votxheyll - Tumblr blog

votxheyll · 3 years

Text

ttw’s first anniversary tag reread. the list of stuff im rediscovering/rediscovering the intensity of. oh MAN this is super mega hell long:

that id picked my monologue from isagani el fili

that i felt shy abt chrissy being there for the auds

“i went out feeling like i wasted their time (i was the last pa naman since the one after me na last talaga dapat suddenly backed out since nandun na sundo niya) and that id overestimated myelf cos what the fuck, did i really think i could perform?” auds were so rough man what the fuck. i do remember it being rough but MAN

“i have zero talent but watch me get in cos they need people and then fuck everything up.” ah yes the post-spring fear of overestimation

KAJ (: also it haunts me how i fucked up some lines nung closing show and im only realizing now that its a biiiit similar to how i fucked up my lines nung auds 🤡 🤡 🤡 i wonder if kaj made the connection too

how chrissy said the panel was sad and confused nung auds that i forgot my monologue

the polishing workshop, being unused to being part of the cast, THE PARTNER EXERCISES omg icb i forgot abt them !! esp that wonderfully touchy but scarily intimate one and wondering if my face felt fuzzy to them

that id always called joyce w her last name in my head before lmao

being intimidated as hell esp by my castmates who were Performers

finding out migoy was also the choreographer thru filling out the directory

THE TONGUE TWISTERS oh man i dont memorize them na huhu

THE VIEWPOINTS (of spatial relationships) WORKSHOP

how we didnt know our roles til the ga, how intimidated i was that tristan n ysa were my scene partners, “ive always been kinda shy w showing affection. but marks an affectionate concerned guy i gotta get better im gonna LEARN. also im just at the start and at the end and i dont interact w tristan so thats a relief cos istg tristans an acting powerhouse”

wondering if our auds monologues affected our casting and “rip @ trish who’s lines are all v emotional aND RIP AT EVEryone in eulogy and other long ones” (also ”WHOSE” dapat im illiterate)

“i didnt realize that i rly missed just. Using my body together w other people. the workshops are Starting starting tomorrow but ive already learned a lot??”

daily agendas that didnt always need everyone to be there

being overly strict w myself when they told us to bring printed lyrics at the start of music rehs

ghdsgjgh wondering if lulay or kat wouldve liked to be my scene partner, no offense to ysa but highkey wishing it was mikha

initially singing the freak flag bass part a whole ass OCTAVE too low, “bass 2,” how fuckin HIGH jp can sing w little effort

rehearsing in pockets, that the cast was mostly girls, needing to learn how to project cos ang hina ng boses ko, having SO MUCH to do for my thesis at the same time rip

THE MUSIC WORKSHOP W EJAY, that there was a shiny separate bass part for the warmups 💕, matching the energy of the others while singing, getting and being fascinated by the “ure too much in ur head” or “nanggigigil kayo” or “ure not listening to each other” comments and their tarot/zodiac energy

ejay’s “dont try to be/sound like what u arent” and how i was sharply aware of how i v literally couldnt and wouldnt have done ttw if i was pre t, the constant albeit unconscious validation of my being a guy HEH, how so so so PLEASED i and in love with my voice i was 🥺 🥺 🥺 (i. tend to take it for granted now,,), how quick ejay passed over? by? me when picking who to move to tenor for that day, HOW IMPOSSIBLY PRETTY GIRLS’ VOICES ARE AAAAA 💕 😍 💓, that i forgot how fun it was to sing with other people, that at the time mas feel ko yung can’t help harmonies than freak flag, “singing makes you transparent”

that the day after the most fun workshop was the scariest rehs so far cos it was the first time hw was on the agenda. id forgotten that in addition to being In Front Of People And V High For Me And Also Alone, it was slow and i tend to go fast when i was nervous so i kept getting the timing wrong

“it uh. rly stands out to me that of the soloists (in the ensemble songs cos i havent heard the vignette ones) im v easily the worst one AND IM AT THE START OF THE LAST SONG PA NAMAN.”

i got tense when i got nervous and it showed in my singing and “while im v embarrassed and v v self conscious the entire time i do my solo im grateful that ppl havent gotten mad at me for being terrible. the encouragement kinda embarrasses me a bit tbh cos i shouldnt need it in the first place” “jp’s “think of it as foh” (AAAAA) for projecting and alexa’s “ur speaking voice and ur singing voice r the same” (holy shit???) for hitting the notes rly help”

“come alive! we learned it p fast. easily my fave to sing of the ensemble songs.. its fast w this swing beat so thats fun.”

wondering how it was for alexa to have me there since shes known me from st paul

being a bit jealous of tristan being the come alive solo JUST cos of the deepness. gsdhflgjh bruh me and wes are the less experienced actors and it fits tristan better, present gani’s perfectly content w the casting lmao

still thinking that i was the prof in the research vignette

tristan’s comfy malikot energy that put me at ease as well

that i used to ALWAYS get a tight feeling doing my solo

“trish said she was excited to hear me sing and claire told me i have a nice voice :”)cc i v v much love the fact that while im the only trans guy in the cast and also smallest guy by at least 2-3 inches i have one of the deepest voices. if not The deepest voice cos idk if its me or wes. its us two plus tristan as the basses and tristans voice is the highest one”

that i was less familiar w migoy’s singing voice than the others’ cos wala siya sa ensemble songs

the end of music week aka the first week pa lang of rehs: “ive already said how i Already am not the same person as i was before this prod and how surprisingly fast its happened but like. every day drives the point home? in the bg of my mind theres lowkey this constant amazement of Where I Am Now,,, im singing out loud. im singing out loud w other ppl. im singing out loud so that other ppl hear it. im singing to perform. i go crazy go stupid w my castmates for the “silliness” where we loosen up. im part of the cast. i have a freakin solo where everyones gonna hear my voice alone and look at me alone (or mayb mostly). im so much less self conscious than i was before. im still v much scared of the solo part and i still need to get the timing w the minus one and one of joyce buen’s notes was “dont be shy” yeah i still gotta work on it. still got a little hw to do lmao but ive become a bit more at ease w my solo today. idk if its cos its the second rehs that im doing it w the others or cos joyce buen was there and had us do a round sitting down atbp or what but its v nice”

“THE KWENTO THO when joyce buen was giving notes/encouraging (,,,,starting w me cos of the solo) abt hw she said when she was at the bluerep table(?) daw the ppl asked who was in the cast. she said “ysa” and they cheered and asked who else and when she said “gani” ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ ᵗʰᵉʸ ᶜʰᵉᵉʳᵉᵈ ˡᵒᵘᵈᵉʳ ʰⁿᵍʲᶠᵏʷˢᵈᵏᵛᶜᵠᶠ (WAIT IM JUST NOW REALIZING YSA WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN SHE SAID THAT DFSLKDFKS). and that when andrei (director for tor n bl//ue//rep alumnus) was looking at the cast daw he was like “is that kat fucking batara” (who was asst director for tor) and “is that the foh girl and guy” (me and trish) HAHAHAHAKSDFLDS anyway aaaaaaaaaaaaa her point was that ppl are excited to watch us and that we deserve the spotlight sdfksdgheiGSDL look i already know and kinda anticipate that ppl r excited to see me perform cos ppl r usually surprised and tell me theyre excited to see me when i tell them im cast but it STILL,,,, the feelings like kilig but an embarrassed happy kinda scared nonromantic one. the cheering louder bit talaga holy SHIT” “ vicka told me later that it was amusing how red i was during that kwento rip i didnt even know i was red,, i Did know i was red tho during dinner break (cos i felt the warmth on my face and cos ppl were telling me lmao) when wax was telling everyone the kwento of what my convo w dar during spring”

that at the end of music week joyce said sth like “we chose the right ppl to begin the songs” DUDE I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABT THIS

chrissy telling me in eastwood abt the vignette posters and my self conscious ass mcfreakin losing it

feeling weird as shit abt telling my parents abt ttw and still being in that Overly Critical Of Family Members headspace. ive changed a lot during quarantine

the poll for prod shirts

that ate evee from the dance workshop had brought nice kids to watch tor and that she was an org alumna, the pokey and the dotty partner exercises, the flowy dance routine

that rehs were 5-9pm holy shit ???

that i used to be in the first part of come alive

how bummed out i was that i didnt get to lift “im still sad i dont get to lift anyone huhu I Have Strong Legs 🅱️ls,,,”

that me And tristan had striped shirts for the vignette shoot but we made it work out, that id borrowed moosh’s rose for the dp

“i Cannot believe music week and choreo week went by so fast wtf,, tor feels like a lifetime ago already”

“chrissy pointed out that the costume peg for marks basically jc hjgfksdtlmaoooo”

i didnt have class last day of choreo week babeyy (free cut histo and ibang group for radio prod using the booth) so nag-ukay ako that day for my costume

“may wifi pala sa G310-11??”

that i became a liftee 1) on the last day of choreo week cos 2) lulay was late cos of class. also that claire said my feet r nicer than hers lmao WHICH reminds me that i didnt have my sandal tan at the time HAHA

worrying abt hurting tristan sa lift and “interestingly each of the pairs have different problems. mines w the dismounting and sila trish and wax w the mounting cos they keep ending up in a piggyback instead lmao. wes and kat tho m a n theyre Gud. also im v amused w how all of us pairs are the ppl andrei went like the foh girl and guy and kat fucking batara He Will See Us HAHAHA”

my concern abt Knowing Nothing abt hw’s choreo cos we didnt tackle it during choreo week

that there was a bomb threat again and i was worried we’d miss the workshop w dar

“i start all of the things in ttw i have a Role in,,,, i start hw, where i have a solo, ...and i start and end revelations, my main vignette”

that we only had 3 days of blocking week cos of the workshop and undas so umabot 10pm rehs

“ttw’s given me a new appreciation and enjoyment of charades” “so much of these workshops are rly just vibing and connecting w other ppl and its amazing how fun the stuff is and how nice it is to be on the same page without even speaking”

“they always tell us everyone did a good job and h ngl my brain always tells me “except for u, but theyre just being nice and not calling u out for sucking” (thanks i hate it!) so it helped when dar said he saw everyone grow a little bit today altho lmao idk how he saw All that?? also ive gotten a lot more used to my castmates. im nowhere near as intimidated as i used to be w like tristan and claire and im even as comfortable w them as i am w the rest of my castmates and its nice. ive gotten more comfortable in general and its a combination of being on t and also significantly since joining ttw,, idh a problem commenting acknowledgement on hazels and kajs posts every night, when before joining the org id almost never do cos im painfully self conscious. tonights acknowledgement was even baby pics and while my trans ass had a minor dilemma abt commenting the youngest pic i have available im,, cool w it?”

“im str8 up failing philo and dying under the bulk of thesis work (even tho i love my thesis) and as always sleep deprived, but. ever since the start of the sem ive just been quietly amazed at how quietly happy ive been and im in the best place ive ever been in my life. im happy im here”

that i got my first F in a paper that sem (philo) and that the only oldies left on the a/r/n/is team were john me diego and isid

that id been doing ch5 (analysis n disc) of my thesis wo realizing it cos kala ko for some reason na ch4 (methods) pa rin yun, “i love maam inez talaga shes such a supportive prof and its a real pleasure being her student... she said “ang galing mong magsulat, bwiset ka. nakakamiss” ...and isa daw ako sa quali superstars and one of her best writers hgjfghdvkngdjgytrfgaaaaAAAA”

“i can actually do no shave november now that i have these visible baby hairs of a beard >:Dcc !! ..i can finally make pi//crews w facial hair and have it be sorta accurate i was so excited”

the edits we made to revelations cos rob pointed out how a/m/er/i/can it felt

“im,,,,, v surprised at how ok i am w kissing ysa ? on the cheek siya. i do Not kiss ppl i dont even remember the last time i kissed anyone” oH i remember this! lmao i Also remember that the last time i kissed someone before this iirc was at the car/r/ie semender when pia was drunk HAHAHA bineso niya ako n bineso ko siya back

that i thought the costume parade was a literal costume parade HAHAHA and that id done the character analyses early and na sayang effort ko w yung kay sir apotong rip

the ttw cine/ma/tic universe and feeling sliiightly dysphoric abt being separate from all the other guys in the research cameos

“MAN younger me would be. freakin astounded at me now. singing alone and loud in a mostly empty ampitheater, and then iN A QUIET ECHO-Y CORRIDOR, and then as the actor starting a song (an actor!!!! wtf). also not to me but jp said madami akong fans sa bl//ue//rep like ppl excited to see me perform hgjfskjdfs im already kinda aware but im still AAAAAA”

“i remembered to ask how they casted us for the songs!. so jp said it was for the quality of my voice ( :Oc ! ) cos when they were looking at the songs daw he was like “this is gani” when they looked at hw,,,, “u were handpicked for this” holy. fuck?? flksdjlfksjdf D U D E,,”

how v v pleased i was w having a chair for my solo and how it addresses a lot of my nervous problems n also the foh feeling i got from it !!

that the wrong moments script improved

rob’s revelations feedback of “it’s getting cuter” 🥺 🥺 :D !

wes’ “u seem like the stoner type, long hair and beard” and esp how happy i was w the “beard” aaaaa

“i keep saying this but im just constantly amazing myself w how i can actually. perform now. holy shit whuddufuck. i still get nervous but not in the bad tight way anymore and im deadass stunned at how i actually look forward to performing hw now even tho i start it and w a solo”

im so glad past gani included stuff that wasnt abt ttw cos wow id forgotten abt that famous histo groupmate thing and that frustrating philo lt where sir had us go to school just to get the questions. and damn i completely forgot abt this “jps notes were to Not channel my philo frustration into my singing”

oh man the hyping up all the vignettes and commenting on each others’ dps 🥺 🥺

that they only had TWO WEEKS for ttw 2016 holy shit ???

na sobra yung carpool actually going to kat’s house

that the room for thesis mock defense was the warmest id felt it which was weird since it was usually my coldest class. and that My mock defense had the most audience (ofc cos its memes) and that maam said “this is fun” a lot in her comments sa slides ko 🥺 🥺 . AND THAT MAN I FORGOT THAT I WAS SUPER SUPER LUCKY N DIDNT OVERSLEEP AND MISS THE MOCK DEFENSE ????GAGO WTF sobrang sobrang chamba na lang that i woke up at 6am (after my nap na dapat 1hr lang but i slept thru the alarm) shet and id had 1 hour of sleep pa naman the previous night. wtf

that tth arete rehs were in the same corridor as my last class

how intense the first costumed rehs were for ysa in particular w the death threats D:

that we did rly good for a first run of our vignette :D ! “AND AND AND THEY SAID o̸͕͔̥̞̯̞̦͕͌̋̈́́̾͜ử̸̢͙̭̲̞̤̾̍̒̒r̸͕̀̇͋̈́͐̀͠ ̸̗͊͛v̵̧͎̥̳̜̅ͅĩ̶̼̎̓̓͒̀͒̇̑̌͜g̸̢̢̮̻̦̬͛̿͘͘n̴͎̞̜͍̣̜̙̊̓̑̒ȩ̷̱͇̬̩͓̳̥́̎t̶͎͔̞͎͙͉̭̘̳̳̎͒̇̿̓͝͝ẗ̸̠̘͖̄̎̈́e̶̡͇̯̪̍͐̒̄ ̵̡̯̥͎̦̲͔̅͛̐͛h̷͙́͌̅̔̃͐̍̈́̍͝a̴̢̟̱͖͇͙̯̽̅̔s̴̯̊ ̸̢͎̾͆̽̈́͛̿̽̔͛̚ţ̷̛̗͔̳͉̮͙̲͛̿̀̉͌̅̕͝͝h̷̢̡̨̢̪̼̳̲̭́̇e̴̩̩̾͌͠ ̴̛̙̮̫̔͆́͑b̷̩̱͖̰͇̽̃̄̌ę̴̥̗̞̲̼́̍̔̍͛̀͝s̵͇͓̝̭̬̺̔̒̚̕͝t̶̖̙̖͖̙̋̔͠ͅ ̶̭̤̒ͅ(casted) c̴̢̱̫̞̥͐͑͋̏ͅͅą̸̺͎̺̌̉̋͋̂̈́͠s̶̮̥̦͓͓̦̐̏̃̂̃͠t̸̝͖̠̊͂̊́̾̚͝ AAAAAAAA”

swerves in the carpool w ysa driving and icka’s rly bad sore throat that one time

that sari asked if i was in amp cos i looked like i was daw, and that ppl kept calling me cute in the furry aviator hat dfhsdlfjsd and that rob said i looked like s/t/u/art little and that icka said i looked like a l/o/l chara

my amazement w how all of us cast members had our own labeled spaces backstage

set transitions: rob said ttw’s is harder than spring and tor and joyce said these could make or break the show

how WEIRD it was talking abt foh as Not Part Of It

that joyce lent me her sweater

that all three of us revelations ppl were soloists sa hw and that my solos the only ensemble one and the only one in the show where someone goes on stage alone to sing

that frustration w ma and anabelle not rsvp’ing

“we want ur family to watch” and recording the calls w wes and alex sa arete. i remember the cold and the quiet it was before

that alex said i had him crying like a bitch nung first day of tdrs

that the haircut i got right before the opening show was the first id had at a salon since 2016 and the first i had at katip. now that ive graduated its the Only haircut i got there as a student :-0 past me said i got it “cos im dumb n self conscious” lmao DUDE i ended up being super in love w itttt they blended my undercut n beard so nice and shaped my beard so my jaw looked square n sexy as hell

how amazed i was at how legit the call sounded during the show nice one eljay

that we did pockets hourse before the show and that id forgotten the rose sdghdlsjhd so “how about if i surprise u like this?” *hANDS YSA NOTHING FHDSGHJKG* “sweet mo naman. thank u”

that my hands were shaking onstage in algo 1 and holding my hand out for charlie’s phone

“after the scene when i rushed backstage icka caught me in a hug right after w like a “u did so good!” aaaaaaa it was rly nice and comforting, like falling into an emotional safety net. altho tbh she and most of my other castmates have so many more lines and blocking and singing and all to remember than i do?? so im constantly flustered and floored by all their love and encouragement aaaaaaaaaaafjghgdfhhf” I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABT ICKAS HUG WTF 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺

“weird to think that i was worried for a bit that we werent vibing when it was all in my head and we were all randomly hugging and giving encouragement during (and even before) shows and hyping each other up”

“AND ALL THE LOVE AFTER THE SHOW !! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA holy SHIT there was so much of it wtf !!! it,,,, was actually nice that ma and anabelle were there ??? like they were just proud and impressed and shit aaa. and pia and mikha and lana di aaaaaaaa same w my friends holy SHIT david and chrissy and yanna and gaston and lasco and later alix and matt aaAAAA ɪ ᴡᴀs ᴍᴄғ��ᴇᴀᴋɪɴ sᴜʀʀᴏᴜɴᴅᴇᴅ ʙʏ ғʀɪᴇɴᴅs ᴀɴᴅ Gᴏᴏᴅ Sʜɪᴛ Vɪʙᴇs ᴀɴᴅ ᴄᴏɴɢʀᴀᴛᴜʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴs ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴀɴᴅ AAAAAAAAA ᴍY FUCKIN. HEART !!!!!! and outside Both joyce and rob were just heaping praise man they were also like “u had an amazing performance !!” dsjfksdjfldsfgrhfgsjlfjl”

o wheres the journaling on closing show,,

that the peers sgs was the day before the a/e/c/es gig n that i missed martha

on the ae/c/es gig: “each soloist stepped forward during their part. which to gani of a few weeks ago wouldve been WHACK as absolute SHIT cos the most impt thing that helped me get comfortable doing my solo was getting to sit down cos i was comfy and didnt need to worry abt swaying or fidgeting (kinda felt like cheating tbh). and i jUST DID IT STANDING man i. just keep on surprising myself w this prod that i love to death even tho its done”

“when i mixed ketchup into my sundae someone went “gani we’ll still love u even if u dont do that”” 🥺 🥺 🥺

that “they have world leaders and diplomats over in that room daw” in the room where they fed us jollibee after the h/ir/aya gig

that nung evals they said “the a team didnt give All their notes so we wouldnt overthink and how they changed the opening song from more than s/urvive to come alive to suit the characters better after deciding to make a continuity w them w an mc/u sorta peg” ALSO I KEEP FORGETTING TO ASK what song they wanted dshgdhj i wanna learn it

oh man that paragraph of docu bitterness in the evals post. chrissy doesnt even know she let me down and let me down HARD. man wtf

that ysa was pm for the previous ttw

ALEX’S 20S OFPANIC BREATHING INTO THE MIC LMFAO

A W being excited for crazy run during prod party. baby boy. baby. it never happened

that i was (am,,) so salty abt the docu that i was like “idl chrissy as a prodmate” damn i completely forgot abt this. the sentiment’s still here tho lmfao

THAT MIGOY FORGOT TRISTAN SA PARTY CARPOOL LMFAO

that the party was right after jo/e cool

that martha and trish couldnt make it and that it was “legit one of the best parties ive ever been to, if not The best” 🥺 🥺 🥺

“apparently during my scenes they’d talk abt how much they love me backstage,” “seeing me makes them happy,” “that theyre like a gani fanclub,,,, “we would kill for u, are u aware”” dfhsdlkfgsldhgksdhgsfdhg

“ttw is just. so much love. we don’t even have to be doing anything or i dont even have to be in whatever Main Thing’s happening cos just being around them’s like,, im just contentedly soaking up their presence god damn i love ttw so much” 🥺 🥺 🥺 what the fuck man ik i love the prod but i rly rly forgot how MUCH

how Loved kyras bracelet made me feel wtf how did i forget abt this feeling huhu. i wore it every day til it broke sometime early second sem huhu

obp auds—tristan’s “uve grown a lot since ttw. im sure u’ll do great” and that claire said she always gets chills hearing me sing hw dghsdljgshdfs

#ttw journaling

0 notes