waftyjourney

[waftyjourney]

Oh hello there tumblyy!!! It’s been sooooo long that I didn’t check into this blog. Kinda miss it.

Ok so honestly, I just googled something and google brought me to some blog posts here in tumblr. So I redownload the app to see how my blog is going these days haha lol.

It closes to midnight here, but I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed & afraid with current ‘happening things’ in my life. Well, I started the new year, still, with the same resolution and those 3 big goals that I am working - and of course I’ve made a lot of progress although I’ve haven’t arrived into the destinations yet lol. But I am glad that I can make it so far kok.

Ok back to the topic. You know, the resolutions are still same, but the priority list were changed. Yup, I did. And you know what’s on my first list? Ofc, to get married (ok, I feel a bit yucky tbh when saying this lol). And you know why I want to get married? Yes, it started because I was bored with life, and my life felt really flat.

And now, the amazing this is happen. Allah answers my praying (well, after trial & error with different souls ofc hi)

You know, I felt kinda vibin’ when the first time I see him. I felt it’s too good to be true. Even I couldn’t consciously believe that Allah sent someone that closes to my criteria.

There were times when the contact lose between my family and him, but it looks like always get back on a track. I keep check on my ‘assessment checklist’ if there’s something that I haven’t asked him yet.

If I can be honest, I keep repeating a same pattern : excited - enjoy - hesitate - afraid - and it keeps bouncing back. I dunno why. Even until this second, I am still asking to myself: do I really get marrried? Is he really a good man for me? What if bla bla bla - and then the overthinking songs playing in my mind.

Even today, my dad just had a call with him for a short discusssion about technical things of the wedding prep. Then this night, I just started to create a moodboard for the attire, the look on the D day - but I end up with getting overwhelmed for everything, and become afraid. Again.

I dunno why I am like this. It happens frequently, and I dunno if it’s because my survival mode is activated, or I just feel anxious about the future. However, tbh, I am afraid if that would be Allah’s answer to my praying. What if Allah says no? But what if this is a trial, that people commonly saying, before a marriage? But what if this is just a wishy washy from devils? Ugh, I dunno.

I am afraid. I am afraid because I don’t want to live with a wrong man. I am afraid that I’d be wrong to choose a good father for my kids later. Ya Allah, am I doing right things rn? Aah this is tooo complicated :(

[waftyjourney]

Life updates: Mindfulness within

So many moments have passed in these 6 mos since I created the last post on this blog. Kinda miss it, tho' xoxo.

Hmm, if I analyze my feeling right now, I feel like everything is going to be all right. Finally. I feel at peace, especially during this Eid week, but also kinda sad since Ramadhan is over just too fast. I know that I didn't take this year's Ramadhan seriously as pious people do. However, I just feel that I have done the best I can this year in the middle of my busyness.

Several months back, I achieved my one goal: to have my own product. I, along with my two other pals, successfully launched our first product: a healthy cookie with fewer calories curated for women who love snacking. This kick in also became my first portfolio in brand designing, which I am passionate about so much! Although the margin is still not quite high, I believe this will become a good one in the future ahead. I am sure of it.

And hmm, about my other business, I feel I am bored with the small businesses that currently I am working with. At this point, I realised that I easily to be bored when working on a project more than 3 mos long. Lol. And since some of my clients pause their contracts to give birth, I think it's time to redirect my business goal and what things truly energise me and what things I want to level up for the future. Although sometimes I become anxious because of the probability of not having any project (it means there's no income at all), I just think that it's the time when I need to reevaluate everything and expand my skill at a certain set.

I always try to remind myself that I don't need to achieve anything to be worthy or enough with my own life. I don't want to be stressed out anymore, thinking that I need to accomplish this or that just because other people tell me so. Well, I don't know what will happen next in the next couple of months in my life, but at this moment, I cherish how calm my mind is, and how my heart blooms ✨

#lifeupdate #entrepeneurlife #bossbabe #mentalhealth #mindfulness

[waftyjourney]

Mentalhealthceo

[waftyjourney]

🍂A new Milestone: 27th🍂

A warm welcome to you fit for entering this new age! For keeping alive and facing all these adulthood problems. Particularly, for still being curious in this life :)

Getting 27, is never included in my childhood imagination. I never expect to live this long. Many changes happen in the age above 25, I realize that I am growing at the emotional level. I become a woman, not a girl anymore. Creativity, working out, and journaling have become my staples. I have to deal with my hormones which sometimes ruin my days. I have to deal with the loneliness that sometimes sneaks out to my days. I am dear to being organized and clean (a messy place will significantly ruin my energy), which I understood why my mom loves cleaning so much.

I am still learning and working on myself. I know, I am still not completely loving myself. I am working to heal any wounds, reparenting myself, and become a better, a much better person.

26 Flashback

I can't say enough with my 26. The age where I was diagnosed with GAD and the first time to seek help from a mental health professional. I know, that the main problem of the issue is not my previous corporate environment, nor the bad treatment that I received from those people. When I observe myself deeply in my healing journey, I realize that everything that happened is just a kick-off from God for me to work on myself. The anxiety that I've got occurs because of my lack of self-worth, self-boundaries, and my trait as a people pleaser.

Although I often think that I am an introvert, it's not. I am an extrovert who constantly needs to be around people to recharge my positive energy. However, I tend to be a people pleaser due to my personality. I can give all myself all in-out to a person that I value. I nurture them continuously although I just have limited energy for my own. I neglect what they did wrong to me because I think it's my fault instead. Meanwhile, I don't let them know when I am hurting with their actions or words. I bottle it up.

I also realize my mental health problem is a stack of past wounds that I did not work on it yet. The wound that I left open without a cure first: inner child wound, father issue, attachment style, and so on.

#IDGAF

Several months back ago, I hate myself who didn't have control over her life. I felt really like a shit. Until I realized, that I was chasing validation due to my childhood pattern. During that time, my parents always want me to be more. And when I achieved that, they never seems proud of me. They never congratulated me. That's why I keep myself to be an ambitious one to chase everything a typical Asian-parents want. And when the herculean trigger came, I thought: Who am I? Why I can't just do everything that I want? Is this my life? Why I am still living under other expectations in this fucking 26 y.o? Am I a child?

From being over-anxious, mad, until becoming emotionally numb, lack empathy thru my healing journey. I see myself transforming to be a more firm woman. I don't know if it's late or not. But all those experiences in my 26-27th put me into the #idgaf mold.

The key learning

For the sake of myself, here's some key learning that my 26th taught me:

No matter who you are, you need to stand up on your own feet. And it would be hard especially because you're a woman.

Nobody genuinely cares about you, even your family. So you need to look back at #1.

There's no rule to make your life pattern. You don't need to keep the society standards weighing your life.

The expectation is so scary - and I hate it. Let it go, and you will be free.

The world offers wide opportunities. Your horizon is not just. covered in your city or country. You've got everything in your hand in this modern life.

Everything is temporary. Why chase it too hard? keep it slow.

Nature is the best healer.

When growing up, we all carry issues, and we have to work on them. Heal first, instead of bringing the toxicity to others.

Mental illness is not because lack of faith. It's just a quick test from God to enhance yourself.

Living privately is more engaging. Other people don't need to know what's going on with your life. You're free as a flying bird.

People have their undercovered problems. Talk nicely. Show empathy.

Never let your life be ruled by money.

Start a good investment, be consistent.

Don't make excuses to develop a bad habit just for escaping from your troubles.

Keep nurturing your inner child - keep those hands dirty with paint.

Keep learning. Everything your brain loves to consume.

Reducing sugar and sodium intake will help you healthier.

BE MINDFUL. Be present, it's the most important time in your life.

Keep the faith. Either you're in the highest/most down position, always remember the reason for your existence.

Always, always be gentle with yourself.

Marriage & beyond

Well, I don't think I am not ready for this one right now. I am still healing myself, learning to let got that traumatic experiences. I don't fully love myself yet, which is bring a codependency issue. I am still fear of rejection & abandonment. I just don't want to mirror my shit to my future partner and family. I am an adult, so I need to consider this responsibility.

Although I've turned down some of my parent's proposals, I don't feel guilty anymore now. Marriage is a sacred thing, and I want myself to have full control to choose my future partner, to choose a father for my children.

Well, I don't lie if this age I feel lonely sometimes. Or maybe a bit crying due to not having any person who I can rely on. I think it's true, that our instinct is really to live together with my other soul. It's a rare thing if a human can bear themselves alone for their entire life. Also, I don't know what it looks like my future significant other. But I do hope the universe will send someone who has equal energy with me and a charming mind & lovely attitude.

I am proud of myself. I never imagine that I can go this far. I know this is an adulting process, but I don't want that process to be underlined by grief. Adulting should be fun. What's the point to be 'an adult' if it's no more fun? Whereas you have time, energy, and freedom to do legally everything on your own. I don't know what things that will I face up in the future, but I just hope I can enjoy those things without losing myself again.

Je vous aime, fit!

#27 #aletterformyself #embracehapiness

[waftyjourney]

A fate or a coincidence? Why mental illness so sucks

On Sep-20, I wish I was infected by the virus since I experienced the event that triggers my anxiety. I kept praying to God in order to get covid-19 or die in a traffic accident to stop all those events. But look at now, I just got the virus when the day of contract has ended. Isn't the universe really funny?

Well, I am not dying at all. However, if I look around, I got the symptoms worse than my friends. Getting a serious headache, soar throat, and also anosmia & ageusia that lasts for 1 month after the symptoms occurred. Perhaps, what God really wants is I could be slow down for this year. To reflect my own body & soul. Isn't it?

Last week is where my anxiety occurred several times. I experienced a frequent mood swing, even I get heart palpitation suddenly and cry out of nowhere. I think I've already healed, but no. It is just my coping mechanism because I ignore my mental health and pretend that everything is ok.

I was starting to get in contact again with some of my pals, but you know, the feeling was really weird. My fear woke up, my chest is tight, and also my palm is full of sweat. I was startle why I become like this. Well, it's warning me that I'm still in the healing process and fragile.

Sometimes I feel bad thru my close friends. I know that friendship needs to be nurtured by each party, or if it's not, it will die. I just don't want to be near them because I'm afraid that I would be triggered again. I even feel so guilty when they send packages for me, I feel so bad until I just reply back with a cliche talk. Sounds complicated right? I hate this too. I hate why I become like this. Having a mental illness is a real thing.

I become easily afraid of any relationship with people, unable to empathize with others, and I am just so easily mad when there's someone who reaching me but not making a commitment or playing around. As if the guards in myself don't let their surveillance down, I am easily being rude or shutting people out. I do really hate the uncertainty now.

I don't care about anyone. I feel that I have to trust myself, and not considering people's opinions anymore, even my parents. Not sure tho', if they feel my change. Last time, my dad offered me another guy that it means another trigger for me. I really don't care if I will get married or not. Since my current state indirectly surges up my trust issue.

If I observe more, I am using an escape button by working hard all day long and sleepless. Perhaps the feeling to be mad & take revenge is still there. I haven't completely calmed my fear inside of me.

I am an ambivert, who can recharge either by socializing or isolating myself for a moment. There's a time when I really miss my pals, but I just can't reach them out because I am too afraid. This so sucks. Even, ah I dunno how to say this. I don't know what the universe plan for me. Through my healing process, my past crush was back. This's hard. I want to try to release my feeling, but the monster in my head is blocking me to do that. It sends me a fearful warning. I became more depressed than before.

I also just realized that the father wound is real. I often feel worthless when there're people who look love me. I get uncomfortable when I receive so much love from people. So, rather than become open to them, I would eventually ignore them instead. Rejection & abandonment, are still my fear now. It's so hard working on those two.

Could I just ask someone out there to say to me that I'm safe now?

Ah, why do I mumble out all of these here..

#mentalhealth #anxiety #healingprocess

[waftyjourney]

Quarter Story🌬

Whoa, it's been August, and we have passed quarter of 2021!

If I recap a bit my life in this quarter, well this pic tells a lot:

Yeah, I feel so blessed. I have an abundance of energy now, better than a few months ago. July is my fav month of 2021 so far! Many things happened in July, and I didn't know that life brings me into that path.

You know what, I got my first client in July! Whooo!

I feel soo happy. It started when my overthinking & anxiety were biting me, and I intentionally share my thought in the FB group. I don't hope anything. I just want to share & discuss with people who also come from Asia. Turn out, there's a fellow Indonesian (but she's in Cape Town) who was seeking a VA, and asked me to send my kit. At first, I thought she only wants to share with me since we're Indonesian. But she directly offers me a position! It was soo delightful at that time 🥳

I love working with her. I mean, she's so inspiring, who's not? I even stalk her blog to find out about her life journey lol. Unfortunately, I got some symptoms that day that made me wonder if I get infected. I was soo dizzy at that time. So, in the end, I was positive and still done the works, since it's made me so excited!

Not nearly a month, she asked me to be an interviewee at her first webinar. Btw, she has an online group that focuses on women empowerment. Look at that, isn't she so enchanting? haha. Well, it was my first time, so I got nervous indeed. Also, being an interviewee means that I need to open up a bit about my story. That's why I was so afraid. Yes, I am still afraid to be judged by people, afraid that I can control my emotion properly 😔. But well, although I was so doubtful at first, I ended to do it anyway! haha. What's an achievement!🥂During my time in quarantine, I also learn new skills and keep become productive. It surprised me that I can do more & everything. That's a small thing that I have to be celebrated about. I am so proud of myself.

My client also offered me to work with her acquaintance from Venice. I have prepared my presentation and waiting for her feedback. Hopefully, I can make this one!

I know, my journey is still long. I have to work on healing & upgrading myself. Sometimes, there's a time where my anxiety and the memory of that trauma are showering myself, especially on the weekend. I just know that I am not fully recovered yet, but I need to keep making progress.

#dirisaya #July #Quarterreview

[waftyjourney]

New Mindsets (Projections)

Time goes up super quick, indirectly reminded me that we've already hit the mid-year. As many talks, problems, interactions, that happened in the past months. It builds new mindsets in my head.

Actually, we, as humans, have charges on our own feet. Sometimes we block ourselves, just because our focus is disturbed by our surroundings. Society's standard, our people's expectations, the rapid life-pace - all of these, who made us distracted from our true selves. At a moment I asked myself: What do you want to chase in this life, fit? What's life do you want? and it really intrigued me these days.

If I recall my past, I could become anything that I want - without reckon any disallowances from my parents (or my religion indeed, but I'd believe this is the main life principle that I must grip). If I not afraid back then and consider myself only, perhaps I really could achieve my dream to continue my master in Europe. If I didn't disturb by society's standard, I might be living my authentic life, not just follow the set-up pattern to enter the corporate system. Well, although it also depends on my luck.

So, here I am today, with my new objectives, to detach anything that distracts me to achieve an authentic path

I am dreaming to leave Jakarta

I am currently working on this. Seeking a job that I can do anywhere. I am dreaming to have a slow-living concept. I do admire it. Tbh, I feel that it enough for me to live in the city. The pace, the people, I figure out that being in the city doesn't align more with our nature. Therefore, I want to move out! I am planning to stabilize my income first, then if everything is ready, I'll move to Lombok.

It's ok if neither I getting married nor having children

I do want to marry someone, who's not? It's our human nature that we need someone who loves and adores us. However, I saw many objections along with this topic. I have a trust issue. I frequently meet men either who didn't be responsible with their couples, or who always have a dirty mind. I feel I can't let myself rely on them. Also, I realized my own company, and this's so addictive! Although this idea generates by my trust issue (which probably become bigger), I am happy to say, that I am ok to be the one.

And about children, Uhm, I think I have stocks in my family. If I want to have one, I will acquire one of them to live with me. If not, well, there are still many children outta there that wanting to be loved. I believe this.

Relationship always has its ending, it never last

Especially friendship. Well, I do admit that I am someone that always values friendship, but (most likely) not anymore. I dunno why, but my journey taught me to not completely believe in people around you, except your own family. I know that having a friend will help us to conquer our life. But, these days I feel my life becomes so calm when I make sparse interaction. It decelerates disturbance around my brain.

Hmm, in the end, I am not 100% sure that my head will keep around these mindsets. How long? I am dunno either. However, that's it. I will be selfish, I will be more gentle with myself, I will be focus to my own journey only.

#mydeclaration #mid-year #mindsets #myprojection

[waftyjourney]

May Highlight!✈️

Traveling to Lombok, is one of my bucketlist that I wrote down since 2019, and I can't believe I really make it!🥳

Starting from the idea to escape for several days, to leave behind everything that happen in my surrounding, to heal my inner wound from the traumatic experience - I decided to book flights and accommodation in end of March-21. At that time, I still nervous by my decision to travel, since it's still pandemic and also a li'l bit afraid if it will make a huge outcome for my saving xoxo. Fortunately, I followed my gut feeling to make it and also my college friend want to join me to the trip, phew.

At the departure day, me - who never traveling by flight since 5 yo - become too worry about the baggage, which I ended up to add the extra and didn't used it hiks. But it's ok.

During my flight, I amazed with the beautiful scenery, the bouncy clouds, the calming sea, or even the mountains along the trip. Everything feels so calming and astonishing, How can all of these so beautiful?. From above, I looked that everything so small and so shipshap. It woke up my mind: We, human, are so tiny. Why we tend to decay our surrounding, our peers . Why we love war? Why we love to mock or bad-mouthing others? -- And again, I recognize that our truly objective on this life. That everything so fleeting.

Lombok has really gorgeous nature, especially its beaches & hills (I don't have any words left to describe it, because it's more than gorgeous!😭). The beaches are super clear, with turquoise water and you can see what's on it- I even found a starfish! The sand really soft and has vary component, ie: Pink beach & Tanjung Aan has tiny granule, meanwhile Kuta beach's bigger. My travel journey brings lot of curiosity for this life, indeed. I also did snorkeling (one strike again on my bucketlist, yeay!), I just realize that the sea water is super salty. From 3 water spots, I gave up on the second due to drunk too much water and ended feeling dizzy and tired lol. But, the important is, underwater life is so amazing and full of mystery. Well, one day I really want to dive into the sea by submarine to observe many species down there! -- another list xoxo.

Not only the nature, but Lombok also riches of culture. We gone to Sade village, one of an ancient village that still apply its tradition. We met with a nice guide who perpetually smiling over and answer our question for the culture (Thanks ama'!). What I note from their tradition: Eloping & Kidnapped marriage - it's super unique! In addition, not to mention, I keep ended up getting a delicious food there. Either it paid IDR 5k or 20k, it so tasty! Reputedly people said that the community has a good cooking skill, and also they have mouthwatering spice mix!

Overall, this journey a bit healed myself. It's so exhilarating because I only focus on my trip and turn off the phone to avoid any distraction. Until now, I still feel warm & fuzzy for the memory I created. I definitely will back again, especially to Gili Islands! Maybe I will take several mos for living & working from there (amiin!). Since currently I attracted to slow-living concept, and Lombok is a good fit because its peaceful atmosphere. On the other hand, I guess I addict to traveling. Traveling is really blow up your perspective, woke you up that we just nothing in this life system. Everything is fleeting, and temporary.

So, where's next?

#traveling #Lombok #Indonesia #myadventure #2021 #Bucketlist

[waftyjourney]

Be gentle to yourself, Vi.

I was intend to make a post in the end of April, but it needs more motivation to make just one paragraph only xoxo.

Well, as the tittle of this post, this month is my first month for my healing journey. As that’s one of the most hurtful event that I experienced during my 26 life on the earth (xo), I really need to space to find my peace again, which I dunno until when. Because sometimes healing is a long process, not an easy one. Oh fit, aren’t you just being too dramatic? No, I am not. I believe what I felt, is a signal that my body has reached its limit. And I believe that the wound that has build by those people is solid, until what I feel is like my chest is perforating.

This month, surprisingly I met people that has same experiences as me. They also experiencing a mental issue, the one has a depression, and the other also got anxiety. What I realized now is, I am not alone & having such a mental issue it’s ok. Contrary , I also realized that only people who also has a mental illness who understand what I was going through. That’s why I build my own space to my circle, I think I should- no, have to - stop to listen to people. Sometimes, people just really dunno how that’s feel, and end up by shouting out a toxic positivity such as: ‘I know you can Vi’ , ‘I believe you can pass this moment, keep going’, or even the worst: ‘Maybe you need pray harder’. Honestly, it really sucks, they didn’t understand at all to our circumstances. They actually not truthfully put their shoes in our shoes.

As I met the people who still survive at that healing phase, they indirectly help my healing process. I became vulnerable to ‘em, my fears, my background, my wound.. At this time, I also understand that I still have a perfectionist side (at least, I only apply the standard to myself, not to others like her). I remember that my perfectionist side has build since junior high school, where the environment highly competitive and I also have a mindset to always become the best. Therefore, sometime it makes my healing journey to be uneasy. I often think that I still need to not become an average. Chasing this, that, those, to show to the world that I am worthy, I am capable.

In addition, I also have a nature to tend to always please people, especially my dad. I dunno why I become like this, but perhaps it because I am trying to seek a validation from him. It’s because he never seems proud how far I’ve come.

[waftyjourney]

Anxiety, Late 20s, and Parents Expectation

Phew. thanks God it's Mar! Well, this year I am entering to the phase of late 20s, and what the biggest grateful in my mind is: a peace. A peace not to be distracted with to do list that age-related.

So anyway, as I develop irrational fear in several months back, one thing that I suspected from the initial, most likely it would be an anxiety. Because the fears makes me so anxious, super duper anxious. And yeah, in out of my prediction, it become an anxiety disorder, although I need a deep check-up to psychologist to know how big my scale is. Until in the past 1 month, the situation became worst. I had hurt chest at night, shortness-breath, panic & unfocused to do simple task, and even feeling as strangled every time on the way home. Thus, I realized that something need to be changed in my life, before my mental health become worst.

However, I am stuck. I can't just change it anyway without considering other aspects from my life. First; what if, I am just too dramatic? what if everything that I felt is not valid? Why I can be afraid to human? it nonsense tho'. Second; hey dude, why are you become so weak? How you can lose to this situation? Third; What if you disappoint your parents? Look how old they are, are you not gonna help them? Fourth; Why are you couldn't behave like others? Why you couldn't survive like them? You'll gonna left behind with others.. and so on so on and so on...

In that condition, I often seek help from anyone. Because I do realize that I can't handle my brain alone. I grasped my pals either inner or outer circle, my sister, and even my parents. As someone who never story tell and get solution from her parents, I found it a li'l awkward. But because I really felt powerless, I found a comfy corner among them when my anxiety streak me up. Until one day, a problem at its peak, my dad shouted to me: "This's all your fault!" - And well, it's really hurts. Even me, the human who owned this thought can't control it, why on earth he - who is my caregiver - shouted that to me instead of calming me down?

At the same time, my dad brought his 'choice' for 'my future'. He was starting worry about me who still single at this age. He undirectly ordered me to marry someone that I didn't interested at all, just because I will be 27 this year. See that? how s*ck is that. I was starting to see my self like an object. As though, I just have two options for my life: either survive in that f*cking gorgeous corporate or marry someone. At that day, I felt like my life is so dark & miserable. Oh snap. How could all this time I live under my parents expectation? Why I couldn't have my own set?

Until this day, I am still struggling to let it go. I am still learning and relieving to move on from that moment. However, I am also starting to be numb, I don't have any energy left to respond any events that come from external. I though that as I get older, I will able to break my own wall, but it's not. Otherwise, the wall is getting more solid. It's becoming unbreakable to let anyone in.

[waftyjourney]

Experiencing burnout in an area you love doesn’t mean you are no longer passionate about that thing, or are any less good at it. It’s often an indication that there are other parts of your life that need your care. A garden looks most beautiful when every flower is watered, and you deserve to nourish yourself in the same way. You will flourish again.

[waftyjourney]

✨There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things✨ The world is progressing rapidly. It’s like we’re running behind a train of superiority. ‘Be great & exceptional’ - the sound of our communities to each other. We relentlessly identify goodness with being busy, at the center, or in the metropolis. We worry if we don’t follow our society’s standards. In the end, ‘what if’ -surrounded by fears- drowning our brain. We imagine that a quiet life is something that only a failed person would ever seek. Meanwhile, in fact, the mediocrities are the emotional superstars, the aristocrats of the spirit. Life’s true luxuries might comprise nothing more or less than simplicity, quiet, friendship based on vulnerability, creativity without an audience, love without too much hope or despair, or living in a low pace environment: a village So hey! there’s nothing wrong with having mediocre, as long as we are become mindful at our life journey #illustration #illustrationart #childrenillustration #artindonesia #procreate #2020contemplation 
https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ2zGU4jX5c/?igshid=1sjsoz5s6osa

#illustration #illustrationart #childrenillustration #artindonesia #procreate #2020contemplation

[waftyjourney]

A well spent weekend. I am soo gratefull that I still have them in my life, still keeping our bonding since the college life was end. By only being 1 night with ‘em, surprisingly I can forget my grief re.: work. Since I got very terrified this week, they helped me to unhampered from the dark grief. Thanks God, for keeping them in my life, 💕

[waftyjourney]

Hej 2021!

I cant describe how 2020 feels in one word. So many things happened, so unpredictable. However, one thing that I really be grateful for: Thanks God, I survived. I able to finish this year with alive, beside every rocks that I’ve got this year.

From the beginning of the year, I was overwhelmed with my future path, either getting into master or having a dream job. Then, it continued by my worries about the future since Covid19 broke all the plans. Until suddenly God led me into a new job. On that day, I was having rustle in my gut, told me that it would be my dream job. After waiting for the long run, I was in. Worked calmly & peacefully in the 1st month. And well, it’d changed, something trigger my mental health and I lost my self. An identity crisis. Until I write this post, I am still having anxiety disorder through the job. Funny isn’t it?

Well, some points that I wanna recap through my journey in 2020, and I hope these will be precious lesson to my life ahead.

Too much worry about the future. Well, that’s no wrong to be prepared about the future. But I admit that I was a fool. I really worry about my future, I felt hopeless & worthless. I am too naive, thinking that our sustenance only could be achieved by working on 9-5 job. And yeah, I was feel sooo miserable as human being. I even compelled to God as if I can’t get 9-5 job, I would be the most pathetic person on the earth. And now, He slammed me over my face. He gave me what I want, but it’s out of my expectation. So yeah, I would never, never again to compel my hope to uncertain things. Only him who knew what the best story that I must walk in.

Discover my self: fear & anxiety. Another thing that I discovered about my inner self: I can’t resist if anyone scolded me. I thought  that I just afraid when my dad mad at me before, but not just my dad. When people around me show theirs madness through me, i will easily triggered. My brain will automatically give an alert & decide to avoid the person. I dunno why my thinking mechanism turn out like this. So, in this year, I met with a boss who crazy about perfectionism. She will mad if something not equal as her standard. And yeah, as a newbie, I made many mistakes. Until one day, she mad at me and scolded me harshly. I dunno why every time she labelled me in a hector way, my life bubble suddenly ‘feel’ as if  her words become true. Then, as you might expect, I enter vicious circle, that I can’t perform well because I am too afraid to her. The peak is around Sept - Oct, when I guessed I will be cut off because I couldn’t perform. At that time I really really afraid to her, can you imagine how big my fear is? The feeling is such fear to be murdered or beaten up by that person. I have had high intensity of anxiety disorder: I can’t take a nap if there is sun light outta there because my brain activated its alert system to stay guard as it’s work hours. If I try to get a nap, close my eyes, my heart will beat rapidly and the scolding scene will play in my brain.  In addition, I  woke up in 3 AM all of sudden, with a fast beating heart, and stay awake.  I also got my first panic attack, where my brain was dysfunction for a moment. All of these become exacerbate as my self which crazy over efficiency. In one time, I had a suicidal though too, I hoped that I get infected by the virus, in order to end this hell. I am tired, I asked internally: why I am very scare to that person? Why I scare to a human as that much? One thing that I learned, I will get triggered when some one scolded me. I am struggle with overthinking, anxiety, and also my own character as eficiency crazy. I know that I must take control of it, but it not an easy process, right? I must learn how to let it go, how to f*uck i off from my mind, in order to unwiring this paralyzed thought.

Go to Psychologist for 1st time, being vulnerable. Meanwhile my anxiety was high, I blamed my self that I can’t good enough. Why I couldn’t perform, why my fear is very irrational, why and why. I called my friends almost every night, I griped so much to release my anxiety. I even tried to open talk to my parents, which I never done before ever in my life. I really need a help from people, I felt that I am disoriented at that time, and at the end, I tried to visit a psychologist. Spilled out of my emotions. One thing that her suggestion that I marked up, P: What the worst possibility if you make mistake again?; M: I will be fired; P: And what you might feeling if it happened?; M: I relief, I will free from all of these; P: See? you will be ok and still breathing Vi ... At this point, I realized that we can’t really stand alone in our life. We need people, we need their perspectives to see logically in our matters. Sometimes we are too focus at our problem, and can’t analyse clearly how to solve it. Moreover, the best healer in our life is only God, and our parents. Parents & home, are the best thing that I ever had in my life. By only feeling their existence, I get less anxious. Sometimes I regret, why I just realize their importance in my mid 20s, and wasting them in my college year. Regardless all these bad things, surprisingly, my communication with my day has became better. Out bonding get thighter, thanks God..

What is the purpose of our life? What so special about our achievements? After become anxious every time - (the demon is still here, now) - I reached in one point: why I am so screw up? Why my job really affected all of my life, besides there are more joyous things that I could find? Why I am always focus in a bad parts? I am really tired with my demon thought. What’s wrong with me?

Well, that’s a lot happened during my 2020. I am not sure what I will face in the next months, but I just hope: I want to be mindful to live my live, be more conscious, and bring back ‘the old me’.

[waftyjourney]

I am dreaming to live in this surrounding :)

[waftyjourney]

terrible years really make you understand the point of a new year. i know nothing much will have changed between dec 31 and jan 1, but we need to be able to partition off everything that’s happened to us, we need a moment to say, ‘that’s done, we’re done with it, it’s over’ and have a little hope that the future will be different. we need to be able to stop and take a breath and sing, in the middle of winter, and prepare ourselves for spring.

[waftyjourney]

“When you get older, you notice your sheets are dirty. Sometimes, you do something about it. And sometimes, you read the front page of the newspaper and sometimes you floss and sometimes you stop biting your nails and sometimes you meet a friend for lunch. You still crave lemonade, but the taste doesn’t satisfy you as much as it used to. You still crave summer, but sometimes you mean summer, 5 years ago. You remember your umbrella, you check up on people to see if they got home, you leave places early to go home and make toast. You stand by the toaster in your underwear and a big t-shirt, wondering if you should just turn in or watch one more hour of television. You laugh at different things. You stop laughing at other things. You think about old loves almost like they are in a museum. The socks, you notice, aren’t organized into pairs and you mentally make a note of it. You cover your mouth when you sneeze, reaching for the box of tissues you bought, contains aloe. When you get older, you try toner, you experiment with trousers, you experiment with real sexy outfits, you experiment with pin curls and darker hair and orange-toned red lipstick and you date people that look good on paper. You kiss them in public and feel only a little self-conscious. You never like them, although sometimes you really do. you think about safe sex and sometimes, kids. You think about plants, maybe succulents, or maybe even a cat? When you get older, you try different shampoos. You find one you like. You try sleeping early and spin class and jogging again. You try a book you almost read but couldn’t finish. You wrap yourself in the blankets of: familiar t-shirts, caffe au lait, dim tv light, texts with old friends or new people you really want to like and love you. You lose contact with friends from college, and only sometimes you think about it. When you do, it feels bad and almost bitter. You lose people, and when other people bring them up, you almost pretend like you know what they are doing. You try to stop touching your face and become invested in things like expensive salads and trying parsnips and saving up for a vacation you really want. You keep a spare pen in a drawer. You look at old pictures of yourself and they feel foreign and misleading. You forget things like: purchasing stamps, buying more butter, putting lotion on your elbows, calling your mother back. You learn things like balance: checkbooks, social life, work life, time to work out and time to enjoy yourself. When you get older, you find things like rejection hurt less and things like nostalgia hurt more. You watch people do things you want to do, and then you do some of those things too. Things start to feel like pins on a map. You watch landmarks pass and almost note them. You eat a taco from a food truck and be careful to dab the corners of your mouth with a napkin. You smooth your shirt down. You think about details, the details of how clean the beer cup is, how you need to put the dishes away, how she smells like a perfume you wore and how his teeth are perfect and aligned. You feel a little less downtrodden by things like routine and security and a little more appreciative of things like doing nothing, finding a friend, stretching on a big couch. You hear old songs and only sometimes do they gut you. You think about your future almost always, in both a thrilling way and a very very panicked way. When you get older, you find yourself more in control. You find your convictions appealing, you find you like your body more, you learn to take things in stride. You begin to crave respect and comfort and adventure, all at the same time. You lay in your bed, fearing death, just like you did.You pull lint off your shirt. You smile less and feel content more. You think about changing and then often, you do. When you get older, you barely notice it at all. Then, you are sitting somewhere you’ve been before, staring at the nothingness of the sky, and you feel the wind moving away from you, fast and almost impossible to catch.”

— When You Get Older, thefrenemy (via themindmovement)