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It's okay, to not be okay
Second chances and apologies have always been a mantra of mine. I used to let people back in without really realizing the negative effects of my actions; they apologized, right? And because I always made an effort to speak honestly and from the heart and not lead anyone astray, I believed that it was the natural way of life. Alas, too many people in this world either fail to see or fail to care, that the actions they place onto others affect them and in this already hell bent and trying world, we should do what we can to make our touches on each other gentle as possible, especially on the ones we say we love. 
Its taken me 21, almost 22 years, to understand that it is okay to not accept an apology; that its not rude to say "it's not okay". Its been 22 years for me to realize that some people apologize for their own benefit, make amends for their own egos, and all around attempt to keep you placated and docile and at their beck/call/other wise on the lengthy list of people that they may need, someday. In the past year, I made the first effort to rid myself of these people in my life, and though against my inner wish that everyone is good, I've made changes to keep the positive people in my life, and rid myself of the negative.
I've seen many people in my life in all attempts to keep civility, bite their tongues, accept hollow, ego boosting, apologizes, and then be hurt again. Some people, though not all "evil" or "malicious", are toxic. There are people who that, regardless of their intentions, will always cause more hurt than good.
All in all, our actions touch the hearts of many. We are impacted and affected and in many ways shaped by our interactions with others; and many people don't realize the negative (or positive) effects of their interactions with another. I guess what I have to say is this, it's okay, to not be okay. It's okay to say that a relationship, or friendship, has run its course if its no longer mutually beneficial, happy, trusting, or loyal. In a recent discussion with a friend, sometimes quitting people cold turkey, though seemingly crude, is the healthiest way to move on from negative emotions. As my friend put it, "out of sight, out of mind". And, if you find your life without these people more happy and less stressed, its okay to not feel comfortable letting those people back into your life. 
At the end of the day, stay strong, realize that you at any moment, can decide to make adjustments to your life. Acknowledge the people that make you happy and are there for you in the big moments, that will be who you want there for all the little moments too. 
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Talking about my anxiety; things I realized.
I've always battled anxiety, I've come by it naturally with a long line of women focused on all the potential horrors that could evolve from life. I've also come by it through interactions, after many years of second chances, heart breaks and destroyed friendships I've become wary of trusting any basic interactions between me and another human (this is why animals are always better than people). I've succumbed to general anxiety, obsessive patterns, insomnia, and at my worse, panic attacks.
My junior year of college was the hardest year of my life. I was forced through many interactions that broke me to my core and altered me in many ways I'm ashamed of. The kind, trusting and open hearted girl I always had been was riddled with distrust, jealously, and a horribly pessimistic and harmful attitude towards myself. I partook in activities that were harmful and I regret deeply, I drank in excess and spent many nights sobbing my sorrows into the bottom of the toilet bowl. I refused the kind helping words of those around me and sunk into my anxiety and depression alone and angry and feeling as though there was no point in trying to climb out.
The summer before my senior year I moved into my own apartment, began working heavily, and made changes to a particularly muddled relationship that had been wracking at my brain. I spent two and a half weeks on the road, traveling from my home in Chicago down to Texas, back up through Colorado and back home. It was in Boulder that I discovered where my heart strings would tug and set my mind on 365 day goal, to end up there working at one of the top children's hospitals in the world. To get there though, I would have to make it through graduation and my final year at school; at a school that had never been a comforting or happy environment, and after the previous year left me with tight chest and clenched stomach and a general fear of return. The first half of my year I spent in Europe, traveling abroad to complete my capstone, meeting people and traveling to as many countries as I could reach through Europe. So say my hopes for such a life altering experience were low, and after always being a girl of few but deep friendships, the idea of having to go far away with no one besides me left me feeling anxious and alone. 
Little did I know that Europe would ultimately change my life, my views and my mental health; all for the better. I met amazing people with incredible views that showed me the many ways that an active happy mind could keep away the bad demons that resulted from my sluggish, netflixs infused lifestyle at times. Traveling showed me how though there may be many train breaks, missed buses, late flights, long lines, broken ticket machines, you always reach your destination in the end. I cut negative, toxic people from my life and learned how to ask for what I wanted. I left Europe happy, healthy and overall excited for my new life and outlook. 
Now that I'm back in the States, I've felt the trickling of anxiety creeping up the back of my neck. After a family vacation in the "happiest place on earth" I realized the negative vibe and air that comes from so many of people in America. Everyone is always in a rush, always pushing, always late, always angry and mistrusting and mad that someone maybe has better. Since I've been back I've had two very real hits of anxiety that left me struggling to breath and calm down and remember everything that I had been fortunate enough to take part of. The negative thoughts claw up from inside and so far I've been successful at telling them they have no place in my life. Since Europe I've gotten much better at leaving the past in the past, forgiving with true honesty when it is deserved and expressing myself and my anxieties when they do arise to those that I love. As this has mostly been an rambling of self realization, I don't expect much. But this is a promise to myself to keep in mind all the positivity that I have added to my life this year, all the negative I have shunned, and look forward with optimism to end of my schooling and the beginning of my new life; Boulder or Bust.
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Looking forward into 2015
After the truly amazing 9 months that was the summer and fall of 2014, I'm looking forward to a new year of all things new and exciting. I'm not one for new years resolutions (Let's face it, I'ma eat those sweets and not drop 50 pounds for my "spring break ready bod"), but I am one of bucket lists. That being said here is my to-do list of 2015:
Make it to Canada (I live in the nothern half of the country, its too close not to visit those mounties)
Read one (at least) book for fun this semester
Try to write more, poetry/blog posts/rantings/etc.
Remove toxic people from my life
Get back into running (I really have learned to love it)
Scrapbook my semester
Lets go camping! 
Cut down on being lazy, get out and explore and walk around
Master the ukelele (using the term "master" lightly)
Think about myself more
Happy and safe new years to everyone!
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I have been home for three days now, and the reality that Maastricht will be part of my past is now setting in. I've already enjoyed some delicious "American" food, starting with Portillo's (a Chicago famous hotdog joint) just thirty minutes after leaving the airport. We had steak the next day, and Aurelio's (again, more famous Chicago food. Pizza this time). Pictured is my very much missed breakfast foods. I am so grateful for my time in Maastricht, for the people I've met and the journey that was the past four and a half months. Like many study abroaders have said before me, I've learned so much about the world and myself during this experience. I'm ready to face my last semester of college as well as the daunting idea of the "real world" coming right around the corner. I'm not sure I'm done blogging here, and I might keep this site as a bit of my life experiences blog. My wanderlust has only increased from my time abroad, and I plan to live life fully and see the many places that I have yet to travel throughout the world and in my own state. Thanks everyone for staying with me on my sporadic blogging, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
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Superrrrr dorky video for my last day here in Maastricht. Stateside bound in 22 hours.
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Day One-Hundred and Twenty-Four (9 Days left)
In the single digits of the countdown and I decided to make a to-do list for the next week, it goes as follows:
Pumpkinsoup for lunch at the Python
Ice Skating and Ferris Wheel ride at Maastricht's Christmas market
The Christmas Light path, by bike
Buy Excessive amounts of stroopwafel
Study day at Soup Solo
Purchase a Maastricht University sweatshirt
Family Dinner
Close down the Shamrock 
Pack (optional)
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With just 11 days left and two finals (one dauntingly rescheduled for tomorrow) me and some friends still found time to discover a new study spot. A soup cafe and art gallery, I’m wishing I could’ve discovered this place sooner.
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More Christmas markets! Yesterday me and the girls took a day trip to Cologne, or rather Köln, to visit the famous christmas markets there. We crossed the border into Germany by means of a public bus to Aachen, and then a quick train into the city. Spread throughout Köln are 7 different Christmas markets, all with different themes, and more importantly, different mugs for their various punsch or glühwein. We visited the Angel Market, the Gnome Market, Santa's Workship, and oddly enough party or rave themed market. We stuffed ourselves with various German street foods, including sausages, spaetzle, and fried dough. A perfect day to start the two week countdown!
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Celebrating Sinterklaas this week with the best study abroad family I could ask for! Maastricht really shows up with their Christmas market in the Vrijthof square with a ferris wheel, ice skating rink, merry-go-round and tons food and gift stands.
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Some highlights from Vienna, and of course all the beautiful christmas lights! Holidays are here!!
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Day One Hundred and Sixteen (Seventeen Days Left)
The christmas spirit is alive and well after this past weekend spent in Vienna, Austria. While of course experiencing the history and culture Vienna has to provide, I also had an excessive amount of punsch and mulled wine at all of the eight Christkindlmärktes, or Christmas markets, I was able to visit during the weekend. After flying out wednesday from Brussels, I arrived at the hotel where I would meet my best friend Elaine. However, a exhausted, 12 hour travel day-ed, Elaine and friend, had fallen asleep for close to 8 hours, so my first two hours in Vienna were spent stoop-camping and being pitied by a very kind German couple. We grabbed quick dinners from one of Vienna's well known hotdog stands, and planned out our next few days.
I loved the way that Vienna soon became very familiar to me, and I was able to lead us around the city with minimal use of the map and reference to the maps for the public transportation. Mimicking the route of one of the hop on-hop off buses that simply screams tourist, we braved the cold and wandered the streets and christmas markets looking at some of the impressive sites such as the Rathaus (city hall), Burg Theater, Prater amusement park (complete with terrifying wooden ferris wheel ride), Stephan's Cathedral, The Spanish Riding School and the Museum Quarters.
Friday we spent mostly indoors, with a audio tour of Schönbrunn Palace where we walked the same halls young Marie Antoinette did, JFK spent an evening, and 6 year old Mozart gave his first concert. After enjoying (yet another) christmas market and punsch outside the palace, we went the Mumok in the Museum Quarter. There we were able to enjoy modern art and the exhibit "Hippies Use Side Door", about capitalism and the stigmatism that comes from laziness. We had dinner at the Naschmarkt and met up with a friend from Maastricht at the Traveler's Shack, complete with 10 for 20 euro shots and rocking the house with Elaine and myself's karaoke rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Here I Go Again".
On Saturday we went on a day trip to the beautiful Danube Valley, visiting towns such as Krems, a medieval village that is beginning its second millennium.  We also saw the impressive Melk Abbey, with ancient handwritten text, and impressive library and a beautiful church and view of the valley. We spent time in the town of Dürstein where we heard the tale of how Richard the Lionheart was capture and held captive by a lowly duke. Arriving back late, I did some quick research on my phone for a nice place for us to have our last meal. I settled on Sly and Arny, which turned out to be some of the best food I've eaten in Europe, and well priced with two fancy cocktails, delicious curry and an appetizer costing me just 14 euros.
Sunday I wandered the Christmas Markets by myself and ticked off many of my christmas shopping lists and visited the Church in Karlsplatz before heading to the airport and back to my little town of Maastricht.
Last night we had a Secret Sinterklaas (white elephant) party among our friends and with the help of some drinks the night was one to remember. The christmas spirit here is evident by the lights and decorations everywhere, and even helped out by a very slight snow fall. The countdown is real and I'm not happy about it, but I'll be living every second with it in mind! 
Much love from the Netherlands!
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Paris, France: Eiffel Tower
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Paris, France: The Louvre, Notre Dame, Moulin Rouge, Wine Tasting at O'Chateau
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Paris, France: The Cimetiére du Pere where famous person such as Jim Morrison and Oscar Wilde are burried
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Two weekends ago my friend Chloe and I took a day trip to Delft and Rotterdam in the Netherlands. Rotterdam was very modern and did not have that much historic presence, but Delft was an adorably quaint town with some impressive buildings, such as the decorative town hall shown in the pictures above. Besides the beauty of Delft, we were in town on a very special day, the day Sinterklaas, the Dutch equivalent to Santa Claus, arrived in town. Along the river in town, children were lined up, all dressed in costume with banners and flags and balloons. The Pete's, Sinterklaas's helper much the same as Santa's elves, rode down the river on jet skis to excite the crowd. There is some rumor and debate about the Pete's, as they are depicted with black skin the stories and those portraying them paint their face to match. In the States this is a not something we would see, but from most of the Dutch people I have talked too, the history is not the same as it is in the states with racism and the like, and the children are told they are covered in soot and grime from going down the chimney. Eventually, Sinterklaas arrives via boat where his white horse is waiting for him to parade through the city followed by his (quite literally) boat loads of Pete's to the city center. Delft is also the town in the Netherlands where the typical Delft Blue hand-painted ceramic is done, so I was able to get a few items for myself and for presents to take back to the states!
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Day One Hundred and Ten
With just 24 days left my impending departure from Europe is beginning to creep up on me. My last big trip is this weekend with my best friend, Elaine, in the (very recommended) city of Vienna in Austria. I'm tickled, being that Austria is well known for their Christmas markets, and this is where I plan to do many of my Christmas shopping. Not being home for Thanksgiving is weird, but I do get to spend the holiday with family (Elaine is basically my wife), and with no one here celebrating its easy to forget that Thanksgiving is supposed to be tomorrow. That being said, I'm incredibly thankful for my time here, and I'll be writing next after this weekend.
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Day One-Hundred and Two
This past weekend me and Mackenzie spent in Paris! This was my second time in the city and I was pleased by how much more I liked the city seeing it on my own time and my own schedule. We both arrived Friday evening and made our way to our Hotel on the outer skirts of the city. We decided to invest in the metro-three day passes which made getting around the city much easier and we were able to get a lot done. After dinner at a bistro close to our hotel, we went to bed early to get ready for a quick start in the morning. 
Saturday we started a the Cimetiére du Pere, where we could see Jim Morrison's grave and where we attempted to find Oscar Wilde's (attempted being the key word). From there we took the metro into the heart of the city and visited the Notre Dame. Though large and still impressive, its not as exceedingly beautiful as one is lead to believe. After not finding Quasimodo, we went to the Louvre. One of my favorite art museums, I could've spent all day within the massive exhibits housing favorites such as the Mona Lisa and the Aphrodite. For lunch we enjoyed a sandwich and a chocolate eclair before our wine tasting at O' Chateau. Our "wine tour guide" was funny and knowledgable and we were able to try three different wines and learned how to properly describe and talk about each. Afterwards we got tarts and did some typical touristy shopping along the Rue di Rivoli. We walked down the Champ-Élysée which had an adorable Christmas market set up with a big ferris wheel and stalls of Christmas treats and decorations. After dinner, the cold had become unbearable and we headed back to the hotel room to watch a movie with some wine and cookies.
Sunday we got a slow start that I thought would set us back but we managed to get all of our exciting things accomplished. We started at the Eiffel tower, making it to the Summit. Having been there at night the last time, it was cool to see the cityscape by daylight this time. We jumped on the metro (which I was proud to feel confident on after just a few rides) and saw the Arc de Triomphe and the Grand Palais. After, by the recommendation of my friend Jess, we had hot chocolate and a tart at Ladurée's, and experienced our first macaroons (mine rose petal and Mackenzie's pistachio). Though I was probably a bit overzealous with my flavour choice it was still enjoyable and surely won't be my last. We went to the Pont De l'Archevôché, better know as Love Lock Bridge. Afterwards we wandered past the Notre Dame and night and heard the bells tolling. On our way to the Eiffel Tour again, we were encountered with a serious situation that put both our medical training into action. An elderly woman was involved in a pedestrian-vehicle collision just next to us on the street and without hesitation we both ran to help. After assuring she was free of major injuries, we kept her calm and held pressure to her head wound while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. (Never have I been so grateful for my 6 years of first responder training!) After that we walked and saw the Eiffel Tower at night, and I tried some mulled wine before we returned again to our hotel room.
Monday morning we had a few short hours before we left the city, which we spent walking to the Moulin Rouge close by our hotel, and walking alongside the Montmarte Cemetery. We said our goodbyes at the train station and went our separate ways. I had a four hour bus ride and 2 hours of trains before I arrived safely back in Maastricht.
I have one more large trip and a handful of small day trips in the thirty-two days I have left here; I intend to spend everyone of them with the wonderful people I've met exploring as much as I can until they carry me kicking and screaming onto the airplane. 
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