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warriorinthegarden · 5 months
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warriorinthegarden · 8 months
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Today’s Thoughts: I Still Love Him & That’s Okay-Part 2
I’m coming to terms with that love. That it’s real. I still love my ex-husband. And that’s okay. I can still love him and choose to not be with him. Because the truth is, I was not at my best with him. I definitely believe that a relationship, a marriage, should bring out the best in people. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case in our marriage. I feel like that is the case, however, with my current partner. I feel healthier and I want to be a better person because of him. When I feel his gentleness, I see that there is another way. All I experienced growing up was tough love with emphasis on the tough. My parents did the best they could. They raised us tough because life is tough and we had to be too. No wonder I grew up to be a brute not knowing how to be gentle with others. When my partner is kind and gentle with me, it feels foreign to me. And I hate that it does because it’s a reminder that I didn’t experience that tenderness as a kid--something that every child deserves. Although I don’t have a basis for that softness, I know that I missed out on something beautiful. We love others in the way we were loved as kids. My partner loves me in the way he was loved growing up with compassion, attunement, closeness, safety, and kindness. It’s because of my relationship with him and seeing his family dynamics that I have hope that things can be better. That there is another way. That I can be different. That I can love in a healthy and safe way for both of us. What I have today makes the chaos of my divorce worth it. While it’s not what I wanted or ever imagined when I said “I do,” I think it needed to happen in order to get to today. My divorce was part of the reckoning I needed to start my healing journey. Without the course of events, I’m not sure who I would be today. In a way, I’m content with those events because I love the person that came out of the fire. I continue to impress myself everyday and I don’t think it would have been possible without my divorce. I accept it. 
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warriorinthegarden · 8 months
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warriorinthegarden · 9 months
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Today’s Thoughts: I Still Love Him & That’s Okay-Part 1
I am coming to accept the fact that a part of me still and will always love my ex-husband. I still love him. I never wanted to separate from him or end our marriage. What I wanted was to fix our problems, but that never happened. For the sake of my sanity, I felt there was no other option than to end our marriage. I saw my ex-husband this past December (we had to sign over car titles per our settlement). I hadn’t seen him in-person in 3.5 years. I was nervous and a bit excited to see him--not going to lie about that. And y’all he looked good. Like damn good! Just like I remember except older, with a beard, and a little weight on him. He looked good! Upon seeing him, I instantly felt nervous and my heart began to beat a bit. He offered to get me coffee and while we were waiting for my drink, I sneaked a glance at him only to see him sneaking a glance at me. Awkward. To keep it short, throughout our conversation (about an hour) we talked about our lives, the last few years, our dogs, and the future. One thing that was clear to me by the end of the meeting was that he still loves me. And that’s not an arrogant statement. That man still loves me. It was clear as day in his face. And honestly, I still love him. I always will. Before we parted ways, he said to me, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I was a shit husband.” “You weren’t a shit husband. I think we both did the best we could.” “No, I’ve had time to think and I was a shit husband.”
His words still hit me. I don’t think he was a shitty husband. I think we both did the best we could with the tools and healing we had at that time. I had the opportunity to get back with him 2.5 years ago and to keep it short, I told him no. I didn’t believe back then that he was truly ready to do the work to fix our marriage problems, or get his own healing. I didn’t trust him with his addiction especially after he said, “I beat my addiction once, I can do it again.” I didn’t trust that arrogance. I think he genuinely believed we could make it work because he said that "love is all we need." I disagree with that statement. For a relationship to work, love is not enough. Love is the minimum. There also needs to be respect, communication, comprehension, compassion, action, compromise, willingness to face problems together, unity, and so much more. For the most part, I didn’t have those things with him. The communication, and action were the big ones. He would not course correct when he crossed boundaries. And to be fair, I didn’t know what boundaries were back then nor did I know how to enforce them in a healthy way. I was a different person back then. I am a new and improved version. And truthfully, he doesn’t know this version of me and I don’t know him either. The version of me that he knew, died. She died after all the stuff went down in 2020 with the wolf (go back and read early posts). And even though she no longer exists, the love I had for him still does. 
Part 2 Later
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warriorinthegarden · 10 months
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warriorinthegarden · 11 months
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warriorinthegarden · 11 months
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warriorinthegarden · 11 months
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warriorinthegarden · 11 months
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warriorinthegarden · 11 months
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Today’s Thoughts: He Broke My Heart
I came to the realization recently that I was left heartbroken by my (ex)husband. I realized that I have not forgiven him for breaking my heart. I came to terms with the anger and grief that came with our separation and divorce but I never really felt the heartbreak. I went from one extreme emotion to another extreme emotion. After four years, it’s just hitting me--that I have not forgiven him for breaking my heart. I did forgive him and myself for the roles we played in our divorce but I’m now seeing that I still need to forgive him for specific things. I need to forgive in order for me to move forward with my life. To move forward, wholeheartedly, with a new partner. I feel like I won’t be able to get to the next emotional level with my current partner if I don’t let go and forgive my ex-husband. I want to forgive him for standing me up on Valentine’s day and all the subsequent disappointments; I want to forgive him for not taking action to rectify my concerns; I want to forgive him for not fighting for our marriage; I want to forgive him for hiding his addiction from me; I want to forgive him for all the years I felt crazy for thinking he was not as committed to me as I was to him and for him later to confirm that I was right--he couldn’t be all in with me because a part of him was in the addiction; I want to forgive him for all the years I spent being labeled a villain, a bitch for leaving a good man; I want to forgive him for not being the man I needed him to be. He broke my heart. He broke my heart every time Valentine's came around; every time I had to have the same conversation with him because nothing changed. When he went months without reaching out to me when we were separated; when he traveled 16 hours to see his sister and not his wife (I was merely an afterthought). When he told his mom “happy valentine’s day” and not to me even though I was sitting right next to him. When he told me “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Ten years later and he never made it up to me. I see now that I have a lot left to forgive. Specific things to forgive. I want to forgive him and I want to move forward from this. Not sure how I’m going to do it but as they say, the first step to solving any problem is admitting there is one. I admit that I have not forgiven my (ex)husband for breaking my heart.
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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Today’s Thoughts: It’s Been a Rough Year But I Made It
I haven’t written in a while because life has been a lot. A lot of good and a lot of other things. After re-reading my last blog post, I realized that I wasn’t entirely accurate in my feelings about my life. Yes, while everything I wrote was accurate...I also did not detail that life was A LOT. Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I want to own the fact that this year was rough. It was good and rough. I am grateful for a lot and I want to acknowledge, too, that it was hard. This year was probably one of the hardest years of my life. In May, I was in a car accident and I was without my car for two months. I was screwed over on the rental car and had to pay $1K+ more than I anticipated. I got Covid bad and was stuck at home for two weeks (that sucked)! My beloved boss resigned and I became the interim program director which was tough (I was doing two FT jobs but only being paid for one role). During this time, one of my dogs was sick and had diarrhea everywhere! For two months, I cleaned up dog #3 from the carpet, bathroom floor, and kennel multiple times a week. I took her to the vet multiple times during this time period and was cooking so much chicken and rice that I was sick of chicken and rice! Eventually they hired a new director (because I didn’t want the job! Because fuck admin, that’s why!) who had it out for me since before she started (that’s a story for another time!). From day 1, she was determined to invalidate me, my teammates, and my program. I went from feeling secure and solid in my role, in myself, my program, my agency to detesting my agency and feeling unsure of my standing in my program. You know those people who believe they can do no wrong and even though they know nothing about your program, they assume on day 1 that we have been doing it all wrong and that THEY are the savior??!! SMFH!! Talk about a savior complex! Well four months later of nonsense, high blood pressure, high stress and anxiety, she has calmed down because maybe reality has set in! Oh did I mention, she sent me to HR! I had four meetings with HR over the course of like 5-6 weeks. Talk about anxiety!! Oh also, even though the collision center had my car for two months, my car needed two immediate repairs a few weeks apart. Going back and forth with insurance to reimburse the cost! And recently being told of a third repair that was quoted by 3 mechanics for $3.5k! Lawd have mercy! Oh and I got Covid again and was stuck at home for a week! Had to miss my flight home and I couldn’t hug or kiss my partner goodbye before leaving for the holidays. During these months, I have been trying SO hard to stay positive, centered, grateful, and sane! It’s been exhausting trying to keep my head afloat! It’s been mentally and emotionally taxing trying to be a healthy person while dealing with so much fuck-shit! Fortunately, I think the storm is over.
I’ll admit, there were days that I did not want to keep going, days that I wanted to give up. Days that I have wanted to say “fuck this” to my healing journey. Days where I have let old me (my old unhealthy ways before I started my healing journey) win and almost win. Trying to be healthy, unlearn and detoxify from generational trauma is hard enough on a good day let alone when life is TRYING YOU! There have been some small wins along the way: I stopped vaping, swapped coffee for tea, got a couple job offers, started a committee for a volunteer group, auditioned for a theater role and got the part (life long dream), rode a motorcycle (another dream), got to meet my nephews, am in a loving and healthy relationship, earned the respect of some great people, found out I am a natural at ice skating and love it, helped some people, laughed a lot, learned a ton, and grew exponentially. While I am grateful for all the good in my life, I wanted to take some time to acknowledge the difficulty of this year and to say that I am proud of myself for not giving up. I am proud that I am a fighter. I am a warrior. A warrior that retired to the garden. I did fight hard this year but I did not fight for people to see me or love me. I fought for my health, for my survival and my children (my dogs), and for my livelihood. There is a time and place to fight. Fight for yourself and your loved ones but never fight for someone’s approval of you. You are Enough. You Matter. Fight the Good Fight and Never Give Up. If You Fall, Get Up!
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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warriorinthegarden · 1 year
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