watchingyougrowwithlove-blog

[watchingyougrowwithlove-blog]

watching you grow; our life together this far.

Mid November, 2010 - things began changing for me, but I couldn’t describe what or why. Dizziness, nausea, sensitivity to smell, tired, the list went on and on. Pregnancy crossed my mind a time or two, but not me. I couldn’t. I was 19, just weeks before I turned 20. I was going to be teen pregnancy. Or so I thought. My 20th birthday - I can never forget. Walking into work and the smell of body fragrance and floral soaps had me running for the bathroom before I could even set my things down. I knew. I knew of you long before I let anyone else know. I knew you were growing and I fantasized about your what your name would be and what your nursery would look like. I spent late nights and lonely afternoons look at cribs and baby clothes. I wanted you. I always wanted you. I was scared. Looking back, it makes me laugh and wonder why. At that time in my life I was much more clueless than I am now. I couldn’t see that it would all work out, but it did. When the time came to tell people of you, their joy surprised me. I think I had always felt that people would look down on me for being younger than many of our family and friends were when they had children. I have always been harder on myself than I care to admit. I feared disappointing my family and friends. I wasn't married. I didn't have a college degree or a good job or even a house of my own. But I had everything I could ever want or need. I had you. My baby girl. I wish I could accurately describe my love for you in words, but its something you have to wait and feel for yourself to truly understand. When I close my eyes and think about it, I can still see and feel your little baby kicks in my stomach as I tried to go to bed at night. Your jumpy legs at night started then and they’re still here now. I’ll admit, they drive me crazy sometimes, but what would I do without your jumpy legs in my life? I cant imagine a life without you in and and I’m thankful I never have to. The day you were born was the day I learned what love was. The things people tell you about becoming a parent don’t even scratch the surface on what its really like. At 19 and 20 I couldn’t imagine myself caring about someone more than I cared about myself. I thought that was something people said because they felt like they had to. But its true, oh so true. 

July 13th, 2011 - 2:27pm my little 7lbs 4.4 oz. baby girl changed my life from the minute I laid eyes on you. Holding you close to me quickly became my favorite thing to do. I loved you more than life itself. Everyday I thought I loved you the most I possibly could, then I would wake up the next day and love you even more. My heart ached for you when we were apart and I never felt more at peace than I did when you were in my arms. I don’t know if all parents feel this way about their children, I’d like to think so? I have so much gratitude for you. “I am because you are”. I feel like you saved me, even though I’m not sure from what. Maybe from myself I suppose. I was never the most dedicated academically. Always liked to work, but school wasn’t my favorite. I was going to college before I had you, but more so wasting money - not going to class and unsure of what I wanted to do. You were my motivation to become an LPN. To work hard at something. To obtain a job with decent pay and health insurance. Things I had never had to think about before you. I am your mother, but you are my rock. Because of you I made it through some very hard and dark days. You have been there for it all and loved me through it. The reason I was able to get out of bed on the days my life felt like it had fallen apart. I found strength in you. You have always made me want to be a better person. I try my best to teach you about life. To use your manners, brush your teeth. Be respectful, help others without expecting anything in return. Love yourself. Be yourself. Believe in yourself. I am always thinking of things I need to tell you to prepare you for this world. Day and night I think of you. Whats funny is, somehow you teach me more than I teach you. I’m willing to bet you don’t even know it, and you're too young to put even half as much thought into it. You are my greatest blessing. The love of my life. For you I would do anything. You are brilliant and charming. You are kind and thoughtful. You are beautiful and smart. You are my baby. My love for all of this life. I am so proud of everything you are. In two days you will turn 7. Seven years I have loved you and for seven years I have watched you grow. I remember when you learned to scoot around  the house and then just like that you were crawling and then walking and then your little legs started to move faster and faster. Soon you were running and flipping around on everything. These days, you don’t walk without adding a few cartwheels into it. That’s extra fun in the grocery store. :) You’re young. I love that you’re always having fun. Carry that through life. Bring happiness to people. You have brought so much joy to my life and your energy is infectious. You’re attitude mimics mine. I am fearful of that in the years to come. ;) Always remember that no matter what life throws us, or where it takes us, we will always have each other. I look forward to watching you grow even more over the next seven years. And the seven years after that, and the seven years after that, and so on and so on. You are magical my sweet baby. Never forget it. 

with love,

Mommy <3