weeklywritings36

[weeklywritings36]

1/4/24

Happy new year I guess. Still alive I guess. My supervisor asked if I was okay after a rough meeting.

In my head it's more of an actually? No I'm really not. I almost got hospitalized this weekend because my boyfriend was afraid I was going to kill myself rightly so because I wanted to. Instead I promised I'd wake him up if I was going to leave. He baracaded the door with a chair, pans on the floor, and towels so I wouldn't be able to leave without waking him up if I didn't keep my promise. I live with my toxic parents and cried when I had to go back. I have an obscene amount of unread messages. You are going to cut my hours. I want to die and this is not helping. Thank you for asking though.

I just said yeah. It's eaiser.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #trauma #tw suicide

[weeklywritings36]

1/1/2024

I made it. Somehow. Almost got taken to the hospital but I stayed free. I promised my partner that if I was going to go I'd wake him up first. I always keep my promises. And he baracaded the door with stuff so if I didn't trying to get out I'd probably have waken him up.

I'm still here. I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. It all seems so overwhelming. I don't know how to do tomorrow or the day after. I don't know how I'm still here. But I am.

There isn't really anything else to say. I just don't know what to do with myself.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #trauma #tw suicide

[weeklywritings36]

12/21/2023

The user interface has changed since I last attempted to write anything. You can just select the kind of text instead of me pressing the button to get to largest then accidentally overshooting it and needing to go around again.

I don't really know what to write. I just am feeling really really really lost today.

Years and years ago I made a promise to myself. I would not kill myself yet. I would give myself 10 years from the onset of my depression symptoms to try to get better. I'd try all of the medications and therapies and programs. If it didn't work by then I would call it quits. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life misreable and 10 years of misery would be enough.

And I got better. I got so much better. I have a whole list of diagnosies. It helps to treat things when you know what they are. Treating depression doesn't work well when it's actually bipolar disorder and PTSD. Also Anxiety, dermotelomania, the cusp of a BPD diagnosis, undiagnosed ADHD but if the shoe fits, and minor psychosis. I was in programs, specialized therapys, I tried over a dozen different medications and eventually found ones that worked.

The thing is. That date is soon. For a while it felt like something to be celebrated. I made it. I healed. Am healing. Will continue to heal.

But.

It feels like the last exit sign. My last chance to get off the ride. I feel like I cannot die after this. Just as I've felt for a few years that it's been so long since I self harmed so I can't break that streak. It feels like an impossible wall. I hate commitment. It's scary and awful. This would be my commitment to life. But what if I need to get off this ride later? This is my last chance. I can't die after that date.

Is my fear of commitment that strong that I'd commit suicide to avoid commiting to living? The language is literally commit. It's a commitment to death then.

I don't know. I've got a lot of really great stuff in my life. Before writing this I read through every single thing I've written here. And I have so much good. I've got a partner I've been dating for 4 years who really cares for me. I've got a job that I mostly like. I've got friends. All those reasons not to die don't feel right though. There is this sense of urgency. Running out of time. I don't have the strength to say no because this deadline is around the corner.

None of my mental health professionals were worried all those years of my 10 year plan. We all knew I had no interest in actually committing suicide before then. That's why my cry for help at my attempt was heard because I knew it was different. But the thing is all of it was already set up for me. By me. Years ago. The date the time the method the place. I have notes of how to write notes.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me? And unlike a health person or even a healthier me I haven't told a single person. Not my partner. Not a friend. Not a co-worker. Not even my cat. I don't know how. I think I'm crazy.

I don't know if I know anything anymore.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #trauma #tw suicide #tw self harm mention

[weeklywritings36]

[weeklywritings36]

In case you are full of doubts while stumbling upon this post: You are more than your bad days. You are more than your sadness. You are more than these bad thoughts telling you that you have no purpose. You are loved. You are important. You are irreplaceable. You are so damn worthy. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from you.

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I hope it gets easier for you to live in the now. To remember that you're here, in the present moment, that you're safe, even if your mind is thinking of the worst case scenario. You will overcome every obstacle when they arrive, but right now, you can rest.

[weeklywritings36]

Hey, it's okay. You've been through a lot, your mind focusing on surviving, not leaving room for much else. You haven't lost yourself, not at all.

[weeklywritings36]

(Source: @mysillycomics! I got this off Instagram so I didn’t know it cropped the artist credit out!)

[weeklywritings36]

lots of times if I tell my boyfriend that I am proud of him for dealing with a situation, or that I'm sorry he's having to deal with a situation, he will say "no it's my own fault." meaning that he feels like he doesn't deserve praise or comfort for dealing with a situation that is his fault. (for example a financial problem caused or exacerbated by him having been too anxious or absentminded to deal with the situation sooner.) and I tell him this and I will tell y'all this, that I don't believe that. I think you are even braver and stronger for taking steps to deal with a mess that is of or partly of your own creation, because you have to cope with guilt and shame on top of the thing itself, and because you're fighting against the same ingrained dysfunction in yourself that caused the mess. that's like the bravest and most constructive thing you can do and you should be proud and I am proud of you.

[weeklywritings36]

relax 🪷

everything is going to be okay. you won’t have to deal with those dark days forever. trust that you’ll get through this. you’re strong and if no one else is rooting for you and wishing you well, know that i am. sending you love and light, please accept ‹𝟹

[weeklywritings36]

🌼

take a deep breath...

...before you scroll any further.

if it's been a stretch of rough times for you lately, then please know that the good things may take time but they're definitely coming to you.

the wait might be a little longer this time around but the sine wave of good times and bad never flatlines. it'll keep going up and down.

keep holding on. you're here and for now, that's all that matters. you've got this ✨

[weeklywritings36]

Come on, Barbie, let's go party! Ah, ah, ah later

[weeklywritings36]

we’re gonna be ok btw

#i needed this tonight #gonna cry about this