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Actor, to the Stage Manager: Can you hand this to your stupid bitchy dumbass fucking bitch boyfriend for me?
Light Tech (SM's BF): *Standing right there*
Actor: Hi [Light Tech]!
LT: ...
LT: Sup Bestie? :)
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Choreographer: I'm gonna have [Actor] pop up.
Actor: I'm popping off?
.
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Stage Manager: I just heard a song on the radio called “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” and that reminded me to never go to America. 
Stage Hand: *shudders* The midwest scares me.
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Director: Okay, places-
Stage Manager: Pause, someone’s found a singular loose hair out of place. We’ll be here for another 5 minutes.
Whole Company: Thank you, five.
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Stage Manager: I just witnessed a murder! Of the costume rack! Do I need to give you a crash course on how to hang up clothes!?
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I am a university student working on the dissertation performances of a course known for being fucking mental.
Here is a list of things done in previous years:
bath of beans on stage
bath of milk on stage
saved all her and her friends haircuts for two years, covered the stage in hair and danced in it
shaved their pubes on stage
waxed on stage
had a paint fight
covered themselves in jelly
One wanted to murder a goat on stage and was talked out of it, and there is a rumour that a few years ago, two students did a joint dissertation and got in trouble for actually having sex on stage. Not sure about that one.
Pray for me, please.
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Stage Crew, striking a set after the show is over: WE ARE NOT PROFESSIONALS!
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Actor: Do you enjoy walls?
Actor 2: Not actively, no.
Set Designer: I can appreciate a fine wall, though.
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Student: We're creating a repertoire and then we're choosing our shiniest trinket to present to the public
Professor: Yes. ...was there a question?
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Professor: How are you all doing?
Student 1: I'm fantastic!
Student 2: [heavy breathing]
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Stage Hand: *evidently carrying a table*
Actor: Oh, you found a table!
Stage Hand: Nope, I pulled it out of my ass.
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the power went out at a work party (high school, we were working on set building/painting) so we played hide and seek in the school with the lights out
To be fair not all of the lights were out some were on a generator but it was still pretty dark
omg that sounds so fun. We've been unsuccessfully trying to convince The Powers That be to let us do a building-wide hide and seek game, I'm jealous.
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Teacher:  I inhaled my gum. My life flashed before my eyes. What was I talking about?
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i cue my 2 beloved actors for their entrance at top of show, and again- i love them both- but their pre-show preparations are actor A gets extremely sad and actor B gets extremely angry
and it's very funny to me when I'm standing between two large men, one of whom looks like he's about to cry or have a real, genuine panic attack, and the other looks like he's about to kill me and keeps grunting. and im just sitting there doing a lil jig to keep myself warm bcs our heating does not reach backstage
the collection of human emotions on display
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Stage Hand: I don’t like [ACTOR]. Can I run them over?
Stage Manager: No, sadly, we need them for the show.
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Sound Designer: The Theatre Gods do not grant monetary wishes.
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Lead Dancer: I’ve never fought anyone before, but I’m scrappy and I got pizzazz! I’ll figure it out!
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