wheelofpinwheels

[wheelofpinwheels]

this will be a jumble of words but:

the nature of life being the unending unstoppable passage of time and people just deciding (or even subconsciously) to write you out of their story just sucks so bad

[wheelofpinwheels]

i just want to be wanted. and it burns me inside.

[wheelofpinwheels]

i love my friends so much i would literally become undone to see a whisper of a smile on their faces so is it so bad that i don’t care as much for people who wronged me??? why should i go out of my way if one of my dearest loved ones becomes unrecognisable? yes, be sad. yes, hope for their return. no, acting out my wrath even though it hurts. i’ve been there and i’ve done that it hasn’t brought me anything but a heart heavy with regrets of could’ve said should’ve said want to say and won’t say.

[wheelofpinwheels]

the slow detachment when your friendship slowly fades

[wheelofpinwheels]

love letters to the moon

[wheelofpinwheels]

saw jake peralta’s wedding ring and how beautiful is it that people love each other and want to get married. wow. i hope i experience that.

[wheelofpinwheels]

how beautiful is looking at the sky and seeing it painted in the colours reminding you of those you loved. how profound is the human ability to love and keep loving. persevering and finding feeling in the most repetitive yet mind blowing phenomena.

[wheelofpinwheels]

consistency is something i overlook every single time. no wonder my peaks are accompanied with falls so severe.

[wheelofpinwheels]

i have so much love for others it chokes me. how do i tell everyone i hold dear, how can i let them know all the time, everywhere i go they are with me? that the roses i bloom for them are suffocating my heart. i love them and yet i cannot begin to explain how much it blinds me and binds me. how much i am tossed in hopes that they see me and understand that i am someone who holds them close. and yet i cannot utter these words.

[wheelofpinwheels]

today? i don’t know how today is.

[wheelofpinwheels]

do you know when a friend who you became closer with to the point where the space between you was increasingly finite returns to their other friend who is also your friend but they were very close before you two became infinitely closer and now you’re forced into an imposter syndrome mode so as to not hurt yourself because all of your friends and close ones and loved ones are more attracted to your friend because they are so much more bubbly and interesting than you and now you’re stuck in your spirally lonely vortex where you see a future without you in it for them?

[wheelofpinwheels]

and just like every important moment, it passed by ever so fleeting and delicate. i hold my breath as the moment arrives, 22 overlapping 22 overlapping 22 and 2 and 22. a minute passes - 23. tension releases and it’s though nothing happened.

[wheelofpinwheels]

the kind of self sabotage where nothing will ever go right so why entertain it? he’ll never like me back, i’ll never be good enough to be an important main character, and university will just. suck the life out of me. i just want a first but this year is tearing me apart.

[wheelofpinwheels]

being reminded you aren’t enough and no matter what you do it’ll never be enough over and over again is fucking exhausting. when does it end.

[wheelofpinwheels]

we all have different paths in life yes but why is it that mine is always off kilter why do others get great before i do and with my efforts why do i have to invest in patience i’m tired and drained i’m exhausted for waiting for something that was ‘promised’ to me. if life is just suffering why should i keep devoting my life to finding scraps of silver lining in clouds that won’t even water my drought.

[wheelofpinwheels]

how do i balance crippling self-hatred and intense loathing with self-care with newly discovered body dysmorphia without enabling myself too much to continue my apparently damaging and destructive practices and avoid academic burn out

[wheelofpinwheels]

compound anger into compound spiralling into where the fuck have i ended and what is wrong with me. a mix of space song, i swear i’ll never leave again, hate everything, idwbya and everything stupid amazing sad song in existence. i wish i was myself but i wish i was more. i wish the stars burned for me. i wish the trees whispered for me. i wish i had i wish i have an existence that mattered and matters. if a tree falls does it make a sound? yes. but it doesn’t matter. who mourns for the tree. maybe those it shared its soil with. but what if i share my soil with no one else. and i do this every time. i pushed them together? but. ah. i can’t blame him if he doesn’t like me? who cares. i’m not a teenager. i’m just miserable.