whitehorsecanfly

[whitehorsecanfly]

So basically I just found myself a new (pink) keyboard to help boost my motivation for late night working and writing and I just feel so good with my headphones on and my jimmy iced coffee that bf bought me.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Bientôt le Nouvel An, bientôt mon anniversaire.

Je me bats tous les jours, et je vais continuer à me battre.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I'm a goddamn artist, born in winter

I'm about to turn 29. Yes, 29 and I will own it. A few days ago, I decided that I won't just celebrate the day of my birthday, but I'll also celebrate the week before it. It means taking better care of myself, doing more of the things that I love, and working on what feels important to me.

After some time of adaptation to embrace my new role, I start to feel more confident about what I do every day. I realize what motivates me is the core of the work that I do. It's to use my esprit critique to guarantees the quality of the engagement. It's a very demanding yet satisfying intellectual process. It feels like being a goddamn artist. At the same time it takes a great sense of responsibility, and not so much to my surprise, it's actually what motivates me because I dearly love a job well done.

How empowering it is, to realize what it takes is to be exactly who I am.

#10 février

[whitehorsecanfly]

Fêtes de fin d’année

Ce que j’ai fait pendant mes vacances:

- poser près de deux semaines pour quasiment ne rien faire et rester à Paris

- décider d’aller aux magasins au lieu de passer des commandes sur Internet

- manger dans un nouveau resto (je vais sûrement y revenir)

- relire Harry Potter tomes 4 à 6 (mon préféré est toujours le 5)

- réaliser que j’aime Paris quand il y a personne dans les rues / lieux

[whitehorsecanfly]

Christmas morning almost feels like New Year’s Day back in my hometown.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Dear younger self,

I am sorry for my shortcomings.

I am sorry that I'm not as kind as you were.

I am sorry that I have to grow up.

[whitehorsecanfly]

natal mars in 12th house, but ten years later

I'm so much better now.

[whitehorsecanfly]

once in a while, sadness just hits me and I want to be dissolved.

[whitehorsecanfly]

order in chaos

these days I’ve been staying at home, cleaning, folding clothes, and removing clutter. It’s step one of my summertime project to restore a bit of balance in my life after one year of overworking myself. It took more time that I thought, but it feels so good now to have a clean and neat place that truly feels mine at all time. I also gave up the idea of having a perfect home like in those pictures on instagram, it’s impossible and gives me headaches rather than relaxing thoughts. Also, baby steps - I don’t need to have a spotless home by the end of the day, cleaning one room at a time is okay. I ask for help too, and my boyfriend does help. So now I actually start to have a routine to keep a cozy home, where I can enjoy quiet time of reading books and drinking hot beverages.

[whitehorsecanfly]

est-ce que tu viens pour les vacances

saying that I fell in love with la Bretagne doesn't correctly convey the way I feel every time I come to this region. It's a more profound and at the same time simpler feeling than that. Maybe because it isn't the passion one should experience when it comes to falling in love. I won't say it feels like home either. I'm not from here, I just happened to adopt it as my favorite place to be. The deep blue sea, the wind in my hair, the sun in my eyes, everything is exactly how it's supposed to be. I guess the best way to describe this feeling is that I feel at peace with myself. à l'aise. And then living isn't so difficult anymore. All I have to do is breathe in, breathe out.

#la bretagne

[whitehorsecanfly]

I’m happy when I’m where I’m supposed to be - when it’s purely about work and about my expertise, that’s when I shine. I’m even good at doing oral presentations, I just forgot how good I was. No politics, no agenda, just me as I am. I’ll make a note to myself to try not to forget that.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I’m feeling à la fois exhausted and dangerously rebellious

[whitehorsecanfly]

comme tout ça n’a aucun sens

la vie, tout ça

Je me souviens toujours de mon premier jour de reprise du travail en janvier cette année. C’était le jour où je t’ai rencontré d’ailleurs. J’étais fatiguée, à bout, et je ne voyais plus le sens de ce que je faisais. Et puis tu es arrivé, discret, silencieux et gentil. Fidèle et sincère. Je vois qui tu es car c’est ce que je suis. Tout ça serait peut-être purement de l’égoïsme de ma part. Mais tu es devenu mon premier ami au bureau après toutes ces années que j’avais à peine survécues. Quand je pense à toi et quand on se parle, la vie devient un peu plus supportable.

[whitehorsecanfly]

« zinzin »

another word that I now understand due to the fact that I now have a French boyfriend

#immersionlinguistique

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je suis une espèce casanière. Comme un chat. Je vais toujours aux mêmes endroits, mange dans les mêmes restos, prends les mêmes plats à chaque fois, choisis les mêmes parfums de glace, relis les mêmes livres, et parle à très peu de gens qui sont toujours les mêmes. Parfois je m’imagine partir vivre dans un nouveau pays, ce que j’ai toujours envie de faire. Parfois j’ai envie de partir en vacances dans des endroits que je ne connais pas. Et puis quand je suis en vacances, j’ai tout de suite besoin de revenir à ma routine, d’être réconfortée dans mon chez moi qui a tout ce qu’il me faut: mon canapé, ma télé, mes produits dans le frigo, mon gel douche, mon shampoing, mon lit, l’idée de savoir qu’il ne manque rien parce que c’est chez moi.

Bonjour, je prends une glace à la pistache s’il vous plaît. Ou deux boules de glace au chocolat et à la vanille.

[whitehorsecanfly]

wounded

there are days like this and I’m just jaded. Too much noise, too many opinions of humans around me, people trying to be rational, pragmatic, to argue, to be sympathetic, to be politically correct. I am tired with all of it. At the same time, I feel the strength in me like burning fire. I won’t stop fighting. I look at your tired eyes and I want to tell you that I can feel what you’ll never say. maybe my kindness won’t be enough to change anything. but I trust in what I see in you, and I guess that you trust me too.

« I remember that it hurts. » looking at you hurt.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I contemplate life as I walk into Spring

there is so much living going on

the clear blue sky

the sparkling sun

the green grass and new leaves inviting you in

I look into my sad dry eyes

into my jaded smile

on another trip to no one’s land

playing another upbeat pop song

how much time would it take to heal

if sadness is where I belong