windsweep1ng

[windsweep1ng]

Last year I had the pleasure of working on an experimental documentary about memory, family, loss, and belonging. These are some stills and details from “A Portrait of Tracy”, which you can watch in the story highlights at @otherlyseries on Instagram - or here for the direct link

Thanks to the NFB, POV Docs, the Otherly team, and the APOT team for making this happen: Joanne, Una, Jonathan, Vassilis - you guys are great

[windsweep1ng]

08.72 fret

[windsweep1ng]

DEEPER CONVERSATION PROMPTS ft. some inspo from random shit i’ve written

“ even morsels of affection are like feasts to a starved soul.  ”

“  you ever feel like…you’re a box of matches everyone keeps passing around to keep themselves warm?  and some days you just wanna set fire to a forest just to watch something else burn for once.  ”

“  seems like when my life was created by—  shit if i know.  the universe or god.  whoever was building it had the blueprint upside down.  something’s just wrong.  ”

“  the world feels too big for me to be noticed,  yet too small to hide.  ”

“  it hurts.  when you want to live.  when you start caring about having a future again.  it makes all the things you’d numbed yourself too ache again.  it can be just as suffocating to want to stay on this earth as it is to want to escape it.  ”

“  only clinging to positive emotions,  pushing all the bad shit down,  that’s not balance.  it’s not any healthier than the people who hold on to their bitterness and anger.  ”

“  truth is i don’t care— i should but.  i don’t care if becoming one of the monsters is what it to takes to protect myself.  i’d rather be something that makes people afraid than be the one terrified anymore.  ”

“  i think the real monsters in the world,  the real villains,  are the ones who create them.  ”

“  no one blames a beat dog for learning how to bite the hands that strike it.  yet when humans learn how to bear their teeth we avert our gaze,  criticize how they learn to survive.  ”

“  i’m starting to think finding your place in the world is about making it.  carving out a piece and making it yours.  ”

“  i’m not afraid to love.  loving is the easy part.  it’s the after that always scares me.  the idea of being left with all that love and nowhere to put it.  ”  

“  i feel hungry.  like in my soul.  but i don’t know what i’m starving for.  how am i supposed to know what i need when i’ve never had it?  it’s just hollow.  ” 

“  it took me a while to realize happiness wasn’t this long,  consistent thing.  it’s just learning to live in the small moments.  appreciating the joys you find,  tucking them away for later so when it’s dark again you remember what the light felt like.  ”

“  i think it’s okay to be lonely sometimes.  i think that’s when you learn the most about who and what you are.  and who you want to be.  ”

“  i knew something had to change when nightmares no longer scared me.  they almost felt safer than what was there when i was awake.  ”

“  i’ve never really learned to identify one emotion from another.  i never got that?  how some people just know what they’re feeling.  it’s all just one mess inside me.  i just feel.  i don’t think about it.  i just feel things—so strongly it’s like it takes over my entire body and soul.  ”  

“  to really know yourself…i think that will always be more important than whether not anyone else knows you.  ‘cause there’s always going to be pieces of yourself you keep from the world.  and only you can understand them.  ”

“  when you fight with someone you actually,  truly love.  that selfless,  committed kind of love?  every argument might as well be like punching your own reflection.  that’s how you know it’s real.  when hurting them wounds you too.  ”

[windsweep1ng]

excerpts from war of the foxes that bounce around my head like a ping pong ball

“How much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it’s some kind of murder? Difficult, to be confronted with the fact of yourself. Opaque in the sense of finally solid, in the sense of see me, not through me.”

“I wanted to explain myself to myself in an understandable way. I gave shape to my fears and made excuses. I varied my velocities, watched myselves sleep. Something’s not right about what I’m doing but I’m still doing it – living in the worst parts, ruining myself. My inner life is a sheet of black glass. If I fell through the floor I would keep falling. The enormity of my desire disgusts me.”

“Unless his heart is a metaphor for his heart, as everything is a metaphor for itself, so that looking at the paint is like looking at a bird that isn’t there, with a song in its throat that you don’t want to hear but you paint anyway.”

“Want something to chase you? Run. Take a body, dump it, drive. Take a body, maybe your own, and dump it gently. All your dead, unfinished selves and dump them gently. Take only what you need.”

“The world doesn’t know what to do with my love. Because it isn’t used to being loved. It’s a framework problem. Disheartening? Obviously. I hope it’s love. I’m trying really hard to make it love. I said no more severity. I said it severely and slept through all of my appointments. I clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. I’d rather quit. I’d rather be sad. It’s too much work.”

[windsweep1ng]

even the description on his poem real estate is so so good

[windsweep1ng]

ok i compiled these pdfs tonight so! come get ur google drive link to journal articles and sites on native horror and natives in horror.

contents:

visionmakerfilms website (list of independent indigenous films  / information about their free native horror film fest in october)

podcast discussion with three native horror writers (stephen graham jones, darcie little badger, nathan adler) about natives’ relationship to horror + depictions in horror

“appropriation and reclamation of native american mythology” - joe nazare 

“a feminist indigenous perspective on the horror genre” - vanessa dion fletcher

“decolonial (re) visions of science fiction, fantasy, and horror.“ - lou cornum, maureen moynagh

“myth and monstrosity: teaching indigenous films” - ken derry

“indigenous spectrality and the politics of postcolonial ghost stories” - emilie cameron

“unsettling racial capitalism: horror in african american and native american fiction” - colton scott saylor

that’s all i’ve got for now! if u have resources u can point me to, definitely let me know and i’ll upload them. i am but one person with limited access to university databases.

[windsweep1ng]

so it’s summer, so it’s suicide/

so we’re helpless in sleep and drowning at the bottom of the pool

-richard siken, crush

[windsweep1ng]

I LOVE RICHWRD SIKEN SO KUCB OH MY GOD HIS POEMS HAVE BEEN ENTANGLED IN MY BRAIN FOR DAYS

my own private idaho x quotes from crush by richard siken // part two (one)

[windsweep1ng]

[text ID: Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them. /end ID]

[windsweep1ng]

Elizabeth Bishop, from The Complete Poems, 1927-1979

[windsweep1ng]

“And the thing about the doe was this. She looked alive. As anything will in the half light. As even lawn statues will. I was going to say as even children playing a game of statues will, But of course they are alive. Though sometimes A person pretending to be a statue seems farther gone in death Than a statue does. Or to put it another way, Death seems to be the living thing, the thing That looks out through the eyes.”

— Brigit Pegeen Kelly, “All Wild Animals Were Once Called Deer,” published in The Massachusetts Review

[windsweep1ng]

Lip Manegio, “february 17th, 2021, 7:38 pm,” published in DEAR

[windsweep1ng]

“two ghosts are making love in the gender neutral bathroom of a gay bar atop a throne lined with toilet paper and grime. a cacophony of limbs so beautiful, the concrete walls shudder with envy. you’ve learned all the names for this: a spectacle, a revolution, a disgrace, but you never learned to be- hold what you see before you. two ghosts heaving their aliveness against the fractured light, gasping all the good air into their profane lungs, sweat stippling brown throats. breathtaking as a forest fire. queer as an unmarked grave.”

— Ally Ang, “More Americans Believe They’ve Seen a Ghost Than a Trans Person,” published in Five South

[windsweep1ng]

mary oliver, the pond

[windsweep1ng]

lost track by aron wiesenfeld // study for night reading by aron wiesenfeld // a railway nocturne iv by marta zamarska // night-time solitude by holly warburton // little weirds by jenny slate

[windsweep1ng]

loving like an existentialist, savannah brown / 17776 / history student falls in love with an astrophysics student, keaton st. james @boykeats / sputnik sweetheart, haruki murakami

[windsweep1ng]

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood