winteranddeath

[winteranddeath]

There's a group of people here and I'm standing in the middle; naked. They didn't ask me to strip, I chose to walk among them and I chose to strip layer by layer till I have no respect left. And now they laugh at me. They talk about how ugly I look, how screeching my voice is, how fat I am, and how weird I act. They talk about these things among themselves, but every word is clear to me. They're like a wall around me and sometimes they talk back. I try to hide myself in desperate smiles, wanting to be liked, being delicate and gentle with every word I speak every act I perform. But they look at me with blood red eyes and they spit on me.

I once was a free bird, testing heights, experimenting flights. I used to sing happy songs, and dance the way I want. There was this nest I used to live in with everything I ever wanted in life. And sometimes happy birds fall into the trap of wanting more. They think the cage can provide better, so they chose to step out of their nest. They themselves, with sane heart and mindless mind walk inside the cage, and then the happy songs become the screams of helplessness, and freedom becomes faded memory. Only despair waits, only hopelessness stays.

[winteranddeath]

I cannot recognize what I feel when i look at you. Maybe it's because I've never looked at something that has felt like this to my heart. I've been questioning myself for months.. What is it you have in you? Why do you feel like a long lost dust that was broken from the star we were created from..

Looking at you for hours felt like... You're more beautiful than any celestial body that has ever existed in any universe. And I love you for the missing part of my entire being, and I love you for existing in the same time frame as me, and I love you for giving me a chance for loving you as you are, and how you are, and what you are.

#what is love #you define love for me. #your whole existence significance #humans were made to love #this is the only thing keeping me alive.

[winteranddeath]

What if we don't find each other before the world ends? It's been years now since I've held you. Well, to be fair, we never held each other. It was always in our eyes. The way you looked at me like all the light around you has disappeared and I'm the only source of happiness you have. The way I used to let you absorb all the positivity in me so that you can stay alive for one more day. I miss sitting in a crowded room with you telling your ridiculous stories and the whole room looking at you but you never let your eyes wander. I miss your stealth smile because you knew I was the only one who got your humour. I miss how before every big event of your life you came to me for acceptance.

To be fair, we still do all of it but it's been years since I laid my eyes on you. You still make me laugh at your senseless jokes, you still make me wonder at your perspective of things, you still make me feel seen in this world where I've become invisible, the mere thought of you makes me feel complete. I used to think it was you who needed me to stay sane, but now after spending hundreds of nights thinking about all the absurdity of this world, I think it's me who needs you to feel alive. It's the thought of meeting you again in a random alleyway that makes me want to live another day. So before this world ends, I want to once hold the reason I'll be witnessing the miracle.

[winteranddeath]

I stare at myself in the mirror; what have I become?

I've turned every inch of every human who has looked in my eyes searching for the tiniest existence of love, to stone. Many have come to suit my eyes, only to find themself stuck with me into this nothingness of loneliness and suffering. I've been stabbing my heart for years now, crying on my knees in front of every lover I've killed. Yes, I've become tired, yes, I want the light to reach my eyes, to warm my heart, to touch my soul. But all I've ever known is violence. I was never taught how to love and I cannot decide how it works anyway. I want to give my blood, body, and, soul but all I offer is hate, grief, and scars. I've accepted the life inside this forgotten dark cave, where I scream and scream for someone to hear me and rescue me from this irony of a life. But I've killed every man who has ever tried. Since no one ever grew roses around me, I learnt to live with thorns.

My eyes were golden in the sun, they soak up every hope of light now.

[winteranddeath]

Janet Fitch, White Oleander // Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye // Gail Carson Levine, "Fairest" // Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait in Letters // Hieu Minh Nguyen, "Pig" // Valentina-Remenar on DeviantArt // Ashe Vernon, Not A Girl

[winteranddeath]

Louise Glück, from “Mutable Earth”, Poems 1962-2012

[winteranddeath]

You call me in the middle of the night high on drugs hoping for me to bring you back to reality where everything is hurting you, and I pick up the phone and call your name. I once wanted to talk about how I want to end my life, but you never texted me back. You once texted me to talk about how much it hurts that your true love is not with you anymore, and that life seems meaning less to you, and I cancelled my plans to tell you that everything is going to be okay. I once called you about how my then boyfriend cheated on me, but I guess you were too busy dancing with friends on a night out. You once told me how complete you feel with me, the way you've never felt it with anyone else, and I believed every word and kissed you back. I noticed your eyes searching for a glimpse of her whenever you look at me.

My sole purpose in life is to make someone happy, make someone feel comfortable, giving them the space to be themselves; what have I received in return? I have to keep a diary to share my thoughts, I have to stretch my boundaries so that no one gets hurt, I have let people step on me so that they can feel good about their situations. I've always kept everyone else above me, their thoughts, their needs, their actions, their words.

I always say I want to be invisible so that no one can ever see me, well, I've always been invisible my whole life.

[winteranddeath]

Charles Bukowski, "the dogs bark knives," from The People Look Like Flowers At Last

[winteranddeath]

So after breaking something today after 3 years, I finally gave up on love. Before you think it's about something cringe, let me tell you, I broke a jar of scented candle. I was angry at that time, furious. And I wanted to shatter something, like the confidence inside of me was shattering. I was crying for what had become of me and I just threw the jar on the floor. The shattering sound reminded me of my childhood.

I switched on the lights, cleaned the mess, sat on the bed, and hugged my pillow. "I don't feel so good" I constantly told myself, "I don't feel so good". I was waiting for something or someone to hold me, hug me comfort me, love me. Someone to tell me that everything's gonna be okay, that let us sleep now and everything will be better in the morning, that I love you and no one is going to hurt you anymore. I searched for that someone in my memory, just to find no one. I didn't have a single person that I wanted to comfort me, that would have felt like home, that would have felt like love.

I was alone from the very beginning. I don't remember how I used to sleep at night, but I do remember there was no one to hug me or love me. I knew for a fact that I was the one who has always collected myself up, and I knew now that it was always going to be me. I knew that no one was coming to save me. I knew I have always been alone in this, and this is how it was going to be. So I told myself to make it stop, since I wasn't feeling so good. And I made sure I wasn't crying anymore, I wasn't shaking anymore, my heart wasn't heavy anymore. And just like that I gave up one love.

#just felt like writing

[winteranddeath]

Li-Young Lee, "A Hymn to Childhood" // Adonis, "Body" (trans. Khaled Mattawa) // #6—AroarA // @inanotherunivrse // @heavensghost // Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game // Eight—Sleeping At Last // Anne Carson, Plainwater: Essays and Poetry // @lesbiantherian // @inanotherunivrse

[winteranddeath]

Megan Chance, The Spiritualist // Edith Eger, The Choice (Google search results) // Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe // Holly Black // Ariesa Ra // Andrea Bartz, We Were Never Here // J. U. Scribe, Roman Identity // Hannah Harrington

[Requested by @lynnimal]

[winteranddeath]

Caitlin Siehl, "Cut" // i.g.p, "Mama Bore a Girl" // Natalie Wee, Letters from Persephone // Sarah J. Maas, Heir of Fire // @klyukvav // @heavensghost // Carol Ann Duffy, "Medusa" // Aria Aber, "Ideology" // Clementine von Radics, "Vigil" // Ocean Vuong, "Prayer for the Newly Damned"

[winteranddeath]

LIFE HACK: if you call things beautiful then they become so . Immediately in front of your eyes

[winteranddeath]

I'm going home the next week. The last time I came back here, things were different; life was different. A lot has changed since then. Stories, characters, characteristics, colors. I'm spring now, April was autumn for me. In these 4-5 months I've lived every possible aspect of life that I ever dreamt of. Straight out from a story book. I laughed, I loved, I lived. I received flowers, I explored places, I witnessed the best sunset, I didn't cry on my birthday, I went on multiple midnight drives, I received surprises, I danced under multiple streetlights, i tasted the sea, I watched the flights take off from under, I floated underwater, i danced in the rain, I went on dates, I fell in love with the city I hated, I got drunk, I danced, I kissed, I fucked, I broke hearts..I was my happiest version ever.

But now I'm leaving in a few days. What would life be after I return? Things are sure to change. Characters that are gone won't return, but will linger in the corner of some blurred memory. Honey brown eyes looking in mine, cursing me with honey dipped words. Deep dark voice singing the last rituals of my lost hope in my ears. Soft warm hands freezing my heart to a point that it never gets warm again. Things will change, Like the seasons have changed. People will leave, like the leaves are shedding. Chaos will come like the strong cold winds are coming. And I, with my empty hands, and hollow eyes, will wait.

[winteranddeath]

nice things will happen but first you have to lose all hope and die 45 times

[winteranddeath]

I've alone loved the rain so fiercely to ever miss someone else when it falls. Since I gained my senses, I've always admired thunderstorms and lightning. You once I asked me if I miss him when I dance in the rain with you. That question felt so stupid to me. I never have needed anyone or anything to complete me when the rain falls. I once told you about how anonymous the sound of the rain is. The sound of the rain solely depends on the surface it's falling on. And I remember how spellbound you were, like someone whispered the secrets of this universe into a child's ear.

It was sunny this morning. I was cooking lunch for myself when I heard the sound of the falling rain on my glass window. So peaceful, so beautiful. How could anyone hate the rain, I thought. I remembered the debate we had on your balcony, talking about things that won't make sense once we get sober. I remember the ripples the drops were making, in symmetry. I told you why my favorite color was blue. I remembered the day you told me "I think I like when it rains". I remembered how you had the whole enemies to lovers arch with my rain. I remember the day you asked me that question, I remember how stupid it felt at that time, I remember how I had all of the rain for myself for years, and then you fell in love with rain.

Feels like she's not wholly mine anymore. Feels like she likes you back. Feels like I cannot love her whole. Feels like she needs you as well now to feel complete. Feels like I can never love the rain the way I used to without ever thinking about you.

[winteranddeath]

— Audrey Niffenegger, from ‘The Time Traveller's Wife’ (via lunamonchtuna)