winterstorm12

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 21

*Warnings: some light swearing, torture, blood*

Sorry for the delay!

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Steve had just finished checking up on the final equipment pack. Sweat was dripping from his face while he tried looking for something else to occupy his mind with. Having Bucky help out in the inventory room wasn’t purely for the well-being of his friend... it was mostly for Steve himself.

Having you on this mission wasn’t something Steve took lightly. The decision had taken several weeks, and even when they had agreed on sending you out, Steve still felt it was wrong to ask such a major sacrifice of you. And he couldn’t shake the feeling that something more was going on than you let them in on.

After you ‘’settled’’ into your life in the compound, you acted weirdly. It wasn’t very noticeable, but Steve had started to pick up on certain clues as to how you were dealing with things. Whenever you were anxious or scared, you would clench your fist. He noticed this when he tried convincing you to go on a shopping errand with him.

As you hadn’t been outside of the compound in days, he thought some fresh air might do you some good. This proved to be a bad idea, as you immediately created distance between the two of you and avoided Steve for days. 

Asking why you avoided him, you responded that you didn’t feel comfortable being alone with Steve, outside of the compound. If Hydra, or anyone else from your past, was to attack you in broad daylight, you didn’t want to have to watch your back during a fight, in case Steve was to betray you all over again.

That remark hurt Cap, but he understood why you thought that way. It wasn’t like he had a stellar track record of protecting you.... So, Steve respected your boundaries and kept your interactions to a minimum, relying more on Bucky to get you out of your shell. 

Whenever you encountered something you weren’t familiar with, you’d raise your eyebrow and slightly clench your jaw. Almost as if you were frustrated with yourself that you weren’t able to comprehend what was happening in the moment. 

Steve noticed this when Bucky had managed to drag you out of your room, and put you in the kitchen to watch him cook. While Bucky wasn’t a star chef, he was able to come by with his skill set. He was very proud of his home made bread, and was slightly excited to bake one for you. 

Steve was standing in the corner of the kitchen, sipping on some coffee, while he watched the amusing event unfold. Even though Bucky had baked this particular bread a thousand times, he still managed to make an absolute mess of the kitchen. 

Bowls and spoons galore were spread out over the kitchen counter. More flour on the floor than in the bowls themselves, Bucky’s face started to turn into a snowman, while some of the dough managed to get stuck in his short hair. A true achievement which Steve couldn’t help but laugh at. 

You stood next to Bucky in the kitchen, trying your best to avoid getting dusted on by the flour which swept through the air. While he was preparing the dough, Bucky tried his best to explain the process to you.

As you had never learned to prepare food or cook elaborately for yourself, you could not understand the need of learning about it. Bucky kept on walking you through the recipe, one step at a time, but you started to lose your patience. Frustration got the better of you and you walked out of the kitchen. Leaving Bucky behind in a cloud of flour.

Confused as to why you suddenly left, Steve explained the situation to his friend. Having your life being filled by orders and violence did not leave an awful lot of time to have normal things. So Steve could understand why something as plain as baking a bread could be hard to grasp for you.

Bucky felt horrible after realizing that he did not take your feelings into consideration. His enthusiasm got the better of him, and he made it up by taking you out into the courtyard for some combat training (as this was something you were comfortable with).    

And if you experienced something that was close to the emotion of joy, you’d raise the right side of your mouth slightly, almost turning it into half a grin, but quickly returning to your emotionless state. Like you felt extreme guilt for feeling anything even remotely to joy and happiness. 

Having you show any emotion other than a blank canvas was rare, so when it did occur, neither Steve nor Bucky would forget about it. It became precious to both of them when they could make you feel happier than a moment before. 

But, as with all interactions, it was always Bucky that managed to make you feel a certain way. Steve had never had the pleasure of making you look at him any other way than stoic. Which he didn’t mind. It was way better than having you avoid him, or look at him with the intent to kill. 

Steve knew that somewhere deep down you were changing. Evolving into a being capable of having feelings and opinions, and perhaps dreams, giving it enough time…

Knowing that Bucky had started developing feelings for you before he even knew it himself, Steve took a vow not to interfere. Even if he enjoyed your company and wanted to get to know you better.  

He clenched his fist while putting some vials of medicine back in their cabinets. Steve couldn’t get you out of his mind. Not since the first moment he lay eyes on you all those years ago. He could see how battered and mentally scarred you were. And those eerie eyes of emptiness haunted his dreams for months. Cap believed in the good of people, but you were the first person he encountered where he wasn’t sure whether there was any good left in you. 

But, he wasn’t ready to give up on you. Not without trying at least. Growing closer to you during your first time in HQ, made him realize that you could be saved. With enough resources and time, Steve was convinced he could bring you back from the darkness that had become your home. This eagerness and blindness caused you to be hurt in the end. 

Steve would never forgive himself for the incident in the lab, and losing you in the end. While he tried to keep his distance from you when he finally managed to find you, his heart betrayed him. He wanted nothing more than to hold you in his arms and never let you leave again. 

But your eyes, full of hatred and betrayal, made him back off. He could see how you kept your distance, and rather not look at him if you got the chance. It got a little better after you spent more time in the compound with the team, but the feeling of distance was still there between you.

He could feel his heart grow heavy and made him spiral down a path of despair. Of course, as he was Captain America, he couldn’t let others see any weakness. He was a leader, and therefore had to act like one. Perhaps he mistook the feeling of love for one of affection?

Deeply caring about another person doesn’t automatically mean you love them. You had gone through trauma and hardship, same as him, and from your speech and knowledge, Steve just knew that you weren’t from the ‘’modern’’ age. As he didn’t have any ties to his old life, whatever he could find to make him feel normal, even for just a split second, was important to him. 

With Bucky still MIA during your first visit, perhaps Steve simply wanted to hold on to something, or in this case someone, who he was able to save for sure. This eagerness to prove Hydra wrong and show that good will triumph over evil. And this feeling, which turned out to be selfishness in the end, almost cost you your life. 

It has been years now, which allowed Steve plenty of time to think things over. He was absolutely certain now that he didn’t love you. At least not in the way Bucky does. Steve cares about your wellbeing and wants you to be happy. And he would lie if his heart didn’t skip a beat any time you were near. But his feelings weren’t as strong and passionate as Bucky’s.

When he saw how cheerful Bucky became once he grew closer to you, and the spark that had returned into his eyes, Steve knew he had made the right decision. Bucky’s friendship meant the world to him, and he would do whatever to make his brother truly happy. And the positive changes he saw in you, after you built a bond with Bucky, was all he needed to let his feelings fizzle out. 

Steve wiped some of the build up sweat from his brows. Even if he had made peace with Bucky’s feelings towards you, why did he have a knot in his stomach? Your face from this morning popped up in his mind. Your eyes were filled with an unknown emotion and there was something off about you.    

‘Why did Y/N so easily agree to the mission? Almost too eager to get reacquainted with her past…’ Steve muttered to himself.

She knew the risks involved and the possibility of not returning from the mission alive.. So... why? He couldn’t understand why you wanted to return to the lion's den, without a lengthy discussion at least.

Cap scratched his head while leaning against a table. He wasn’t able to contemplate the happenings of this morning for long, as a furious Bucky entered the room.

‘WE’RE LEAVING NOW!’ Bucky growled.

Steve sighed and turned around with an infuriated expression of his own. He had given up on reasoning with Buck about 30 minutes ago, when both men had a heated discussion about the mission and your involvement.

Bucky had walked out of the inventory room to clear his head, while Steve stayed behind to finish things up. Steve understood why Bucky was agitated, but he was annoyed that his best friend couldn’t see the bigger picture... or rather didn’t want to.

Hydra had shown that they possessed more power than they first perceived. And now that they had started their unknown operation, it could have devastating consequences for the world if they didn’t act on it. Yes, having you be a part of the operation wasn’t something Steve wanted to have happened. But the sudden turn of events didn’t leave him with much of a choice.

It was sending you in or losing out on the opportunity to learn about Hydra’s plan.

It was Steve that ordered not to tell Bucky about the plan until they had no other choice. In hindsight it might have been better to tell him from the start, but it was too late for that now. Steve wasn’t perfect, and had made a lot of mistakes, but having a friend with a short fuse sure didn’t help things along…. 

Taking a deep breath, it took all of Steve’s self control to not start yelling at Bucky. 

‘Buck... We talked about this.... Half a day at least before...’

‘NO!’ Bucky shouted while walking towards Steve.

‘Y/N is in danger, and we can’t wait half a day. We need to go NOW!’ Bucky poked Steve in his shoulder while his eyes showed a raging fire within.

About to lose all that remained of his calm demeanour, Natasha and Stark ran into the inventory room, and shared a worrisome glance with Cap. This made Steve divert from starting another argument about the topic, and calmed down. 

‘If you get in my way, I swear I’ll kill you both!’ Bucky hissed angrily at both team members.

Unimpressed by the angry super soldier, and not wanting the situation to escalate, Natasha jumped into the conversation.

‘If we move out now, we might never be able to see her again.’

Bucky turned around and stared at the Black Widow with so much hatred, that it was admirable that Natasha didn’t flinch.

‘We know how much you care about her well-being, but we need to think about this rationally. Just barging in without a plan will get us killed for sure. And what then? Do you want Y/N to spend the rest of her life with Hydra? Having to follow their orders like a mindless puppet?’

Natasha did her best to be calm and collected, but even she felt frustrated. While she hadn’t spent as much time with you as the others had, she felt a genuine connection with you. And she did not want you to rot away while being controlled by Hydra. But, rushing in was not the answer.

Steve cleared his throat and stared at Natasha with urgency.

‘What’s the situation Nat?’

Natasha filled Cap in on what they overheard on their side of the comms, before the tracking device got crushed. 

Steve frowned and stroked his chin.

‘Okay, so from this conversation we can assume that Y/N is back under Hydra’s control. And that the sequence is still intact, correct?

‘Yes, and with her being activated, this will most definitely impact the mission we had planned.’

Steve nodded. ‘I see.’

Bucky glared at Steve and looked like he wanted to hurl his friend into a wall.

‘That’s all you can say? I SEE?!’

Motioning his friend to calm down, Steve responded.

‘Before you get angry Buck... Yes, from the conversation it is clear that Y/N is back to being Hydra’s weapon. But for how long?’

Now it was Bucky’s turn to frown. ‘What... what the hell are you talking about?!’

Steve sighed and folded his arms.  

‘We knew going into the experiment that there was a high probability that the sequence would not be destroyed immediately. Had we had more time, we could have done a couple other experiments with Y/N to ensure the sequence was fully broken.’

Cap stared at Stark. 

‘Tony, I think it’s better if you explain it. Because tech mumbo jumbo is not my strong suit’, Steve said with a sad grin.

Stark straightened his back and looked in Bucky’s direction. A slight presence of glee evident from the way he looked at the angry soldier, he started to explain the situation. Even if Bucky made him feel terrified at times, moments like these where he could put Bucky in his place were something Stark enjoyed lots. 

‘Yeah.. um. During the experiment, I monitored Y/Ns neurons and the electrical signals which travelled from the impacted areas back to the ‘healthier’ parts of her brain. While the experiment has indeed severed most of the synapses impacted by the winter soldier program, a few connections remained. 

BUT, these synapses alone are not enough to force full compliance when called upon. It’s untested for sure, but if we could engage with Y/N in a safe environment and understand the condition of these synapses… we could then…’

Bucky showed a frustrated expression.

‘IN ENGLISH!’

Tony sighed. ‘While there is nothing wrong with my use of the English language, let me dumb it down for you, soldier boy.’

Steve quickly walked up to Bucky and held him back, while throwing Tony a ‘did you really have to say it like that’ look.

Satisfied that he was able to piss off Bucky just a tad bit, Stark continued.

‘The experiment wasn’t a failure, simply inadequate to fully destroy the sequence. Had we done it one more time, it would have erased the sequence completely.’

‘Right now, Y/N’s brain is still wired to respond to the sequence string, BUT, only for a certain duration. How long this interval is, I’m not sure. But what I do know is that after an unknown amount of time passes, her subconscious will awaken and force her out of the brainwashing state she finds herself in.’ 

‘Meaning, she will reclaim control over her body and mind. But that is only until Hydra figures out she is no longer under their control. If they repeat the sequence string, or they restart the program, there is no telling if she will be able to break it again on her own.’   

Bucky pushed Steve away and stared at Tony with anger written all over his face.

‘So what? You’re telling me that the experiment worked but also didn’t work? Y/N might wake up at any moment, not realizing that she was activated, and would have to deal with whatever situation she finds herself in?!’

‘Y/N is a ticking time bomb, is that what you’re telling me?!’

Stark nodded.

‘Yes, I know it doesn’t sound ideal. But at the very least she will not be their puppet forever. Only until her mind… well.... malfunctions... which allows her to wake up from the brain washing.’

Bucky shook his head and just laughed.

‘Ideal... IDEAL?! I knew I shouldn’t have let her go on this mission! I told you I was against the whole idea from start to finish. And now you're telling me that it’s only a matter of time before we could lose her all over again? Her life is in danger, and you tell me I have to wait?!’

Steve sensed that Bucky was about to start a fight with Tony, so he calmly walked in front of his friend.

‘Buck.... We’ve known each other for a long time, and we’ve had to deal with a lot of shit. This situation will be one of them. You know I would never do anything to hurt you. I know how you feel about Y/N, but your feelings cloud your judgement. We will not let Hydra win, nor let them keep Y/N for longer than need be.’

‘But you have got to calm down and think with your head.... not your heart. Y/N agreed to the mission even if she could have said no. She knew the risks involved and what could happen to her. And she still said yes.

You’ve seen how much she’s changed during her time in the compound. She wants to fight for her freedom. No only for herself but everyone involved. She’s tough, and still has a long road towards recovery.... But she’s more capable than you give her credit for. She’s not broken, just lost.’

Bucky took a step back and wanted to open his mouth to protest, but no words came to mind. He grew silent and leaned against the wall. 

Steve didn’t have to tell him all this. He knew how strong you were, and how much you have grown in such a short amount of time. He would have never been able to agree to such a mission, if it was him that had to take action on it. 

Cap sighed and leaned against the wall next to Bucky.

‘I’m not trying to upset you.... But you have to trust us to do the right thing. We will not let Y/N drown in her own darkness. We will get her out of there, and when we do, we will make sure that Hydra is history. Y/N will never have to run away ever again, and can finally think about her future...’

Steve put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and stared at him. Bucky clenched his jaw and nodded. 

‘What do you need me to do?’

-----------------------

The hours seemed to fly by as the team prepared for their rescue mission. Tony was focussing on getting the communication channels installed and secured, while Natasha prepped the vehicle. It was an old beaten up truck, but it was all she managed to find in such a short amount of time.

Cap was held up in the meeting room, where he went over the last recording of the tracking device, before it got destroyed. He wanted to make sure that the team hadn’t overlooked any potential clues which were dropped by Hydra. 

Bucky was in the makeshift gym, releasing his pent up frustration, as Steve had instructed him to be focussed and calm when the mission would start. 

They all felt the pressure as the agreed upon time was creeping closer. Not only would they have to protect the world against Hydra once more.... Now they also had to get Y/N back safe and sound. 

And while none vocalized their concerns out loud, they all dreaded the same outcome. That they would be too late to save Y/N, and would have to take drastic measures to ensure the safety of the world. 

--------------------------

Tick - Tock - Tick - Tock

The sound of a grandfather clock filled the office space. The doctor was seated behind his desk, while he wrote down some notes on a piece of paper. His glasses were balancing on the tip of his nose, seeming to slide off at any moment.

He didn’t pay any attention to you as you lay on a metal operation table in the corner, with your limbs fastened by metal bars. Even if you looked harmless, the doctor didn’t want to leave anything to chance. Emotionless eyes stared at the ceiling, awaiting orders from the good doctor. 

‘MMm... yes..yes...mmm’, the doctor mumbled quietly. The writing of his pen started to compose a rhythm on paper, which combined with the ticking of the grandfather clock.

Nothing occupied your mind but the ticking of the clock. Flashes appeared every now and then, but nothing that would shake you out of your current state. 

To the doctor, it felt like you had never left his company. When you were still active in Hydra, you would always stand in the corner of his office. The doctor couldn’t have been prouder of the work he had done to you. Not only were you an improvement over Bucky’s design, you were also far more dangerous than the old Winter Soldier ever was.

Sometimes he would just admire you from behind his desk, a toothy grin appearing across his face when he thought about everything he could accomplish with you by his side. 

His heart still bled for the loss of his first successful victim. But the doctor was satisfied with having you back at long last. After all, you were superior in every way when it came to the old Winter Soldier. He couldn’t have been happier with this reunion. But the damage that had been done to you was something that grinds his gears.  

Finished with his notes, he put his pen down and took his glasses off. His eyes were bloodshot, and the bags under his eyes were heavy. The doctor let himself fall back into his chair, while rubbing the bridge of his nose. A lot of tests needed to be done to figure out what had been damaged inside your beautiful mind.

The doctor glanced into your direction, and smiled fondly. If people didn’t know better, they’d think he was a kind old man with a passion for memorabilia. And you were his beloved grandchild who he treasured more than anything in this world. But underneath all of that was a twisted, cruel and vile human being. 

The doctor pushed back his chair and got up. He walked to a tiny cabinet, and opened the door. Inside was a glass jar with a golden liquid and a glass. He poured himself a drink and walked back to his desk to take a seat.

Taking a sip of his drink, he closed his eyes for a moment and sighed with relief. 

‘You don’t know how difficult it has all been’. 

‘Years of my research has been destroyed by those filthy Avengers. I could only save a couple of files. Having to replicate my lost notes has not been easy. Especially when I had nothing to show for it.’

The doctor put his glass down and stared at you.

‘If only I had found you sooner....’

The doctor sighed and grabbed his drink again. He slushed the drink inside the glass while seeming to get lost in his own thoughts.

You hadn’t moved a muscle while you laid on the table. 

‘I know you can hear me deep down. That fire you have cannot be easily tamed. But I think we both know that you never intended on losing that drive you have for bloodshed. After all... I fabricated you to be merciless. Or as you liked to call it... a monster.’

‘You’ve been lying to yourself all these years. Convincing yourself that you could be more than a machine, a killer. That you would be able to find happiness and love. Hoping to learn about those emotions if you manage to escape from me. But at the end of the day, you know deep down that you will never be able to have a normal life. You too good at killing for that to be possible.’ 

Still no response came from you, which made the doctor chuckle.

‘I would love to dig more inside your brain. Learn about everything you have gone through in the years that I lost you. Have you gained those overly acclaimed emotions? Perhaps grown conflicted about what you are, and what others perceive you as?’

‘Oh, if I had the time....’

The doctor put down his drink and slowly pulled himself into a standing position. The years had not been kind to him, and walking had become an everyday struggle. He pushed himself away from his desk and moved towards you.

‘I think we have to start by doing some simple electric therapy. After all, it is pain that really makes you come alive now doesn’t it my dear.’ The doctor whispered close to your ear while moving behind your head. 

The doctor started to push the table towards the end of the office, where a door was located with a button. He pressed the button and a couple seconds later a ding could be heard. It was an elevator door. The door slid open and the doctor pushed the table inside. He let out a sigh while the doors closed behind him, and pressed the button for the basement. 

‘Let me tell you dear, growing old is not all people make it up to be. It’s miserable…’

The elevator started to move downwards and the lights within flickered. You laid quietly on the table while softly being shaken by the elevator's movement. When another ding sounded, you had arrived at basement level. The doors opened and a dimly lit hallway came into view. 

The doctor pushed the table forward and continued pushing it down the hallway. At the end was a heavily enforced door, with a control panel next to it. The doctor placed his hand against the panel, and started to scan his handprint. The light on the panel turned green, and the heavy door creaked open. 

Pushing the table in, a laboratory inside lit up. There were all sorts of papers scattered across tables, and contraptions hung from the walls and ceilings. The doctor pushed the table to the middle of the room and walked up to a computer to type some commands in. 

‘It has been a while, but I think you’ll remember this beauty.’

The doctor held up a helmet. It had pads and cables attached to it, which led back to the computer.

‘Let’s find out how much of my work is still there, shall we?’

The doctor put the helmet on your head, and forced your mouth open to put in a rubber mouthpiece.

‘Don’t want you biting your tongue.’ He said with a chuckle. 

He walked back to the computer and pushed a button. A program began running on the screen, and electricity surged through the helmet. Your eyes grew wide and your body started shaking violently.

‘Mmm… Not strong enough. Let’s change that’. The doctor said after typing something on the keyboard.

The surge of electricity increased drastically and you started to scream on the table.

‘Muuuuuuuuuuch better’. The doctor smiled while observing the readings on the screen. His glasses slipped down his nose, and he quickly pushed them back in place. Your readings came in but he wasn’t satisfied just yet.

‘Let’s put it to maximum voltage shall we? I know you can handle it’. He said with a horrific smirk after putting the program to max.

Your body pushed against the metal bindings while your eyes shook in their sockets. Foam started to form at the sides of your mouth and it almost seemed like smoke was coming from your head.

While you had grown accustomed to the feeling and sensations of pain, having your brain be attacked directly wasn’t something you could prepare for on the fly. The doctor stood calmly in front of the screen, while your screams got partially blocked by the mouthpiece. This went on for half an hour. The doctor would slightly lower the voltage and crank it back up, to ensure he wouldn’t fry your brain. That would be a shame after all. 

Completely succumbed to the pain which the surges brought, your body started to shut down. Which was exactly what the good doctor was after. It was the same sort of state that Bucky managed to get you in during their experiment, but with much higher risk, as the doctor didn’t care whether he hurt you too much or not.

‘Interesting…. Yes…’. The doctor muttered while observing the readings that flooded his screen. ‘ It seems that the Avengers are niftier than I thought…’ 

‘No matter. They were not able to break my beautiful program, so I just need to continue your program.’ 

The doctor shut off the power, and your body could finally relax against the cold metal table. Your eyes were glazed over and if there wasn’t a bliep on the heart monitor, showing that there was still life in you, people would think you had died.

‘I don’t have time…. Time… I need time… But….oh….ooooh… YES!’ The doctor finished with glee in his voice. 

‘I think it is best to skip the pleasantries between us and jump straight to the main event. I’m certain that your ‘’friends’’ will be foolish enough to try and save you. So before that happens, I need to prepare you to welcome them.’ 

The doctor pressed a button, and a couple minutes later, 2 large Hydra soldiers entered the lab. 

‘Take her to room 6 and prepare her for my arrival. I shall be but half an hour or so.’ 

The soldiers nodded and wheeled you out of the lab.

‘Time…. Time…’ The doctor muttered to himself, while he rummaged in a drawer. From it he retrieved a small vial with an unknown liquid. He popped the top and downed the substance in one go. The doctor started to cough violently while clutching his chest. He fell to his knees while the vial shattered on the floor. After a couple minutes, the doctor managed to compose himself and hoisted himself up with ease. 

The doctor coughed one final time and adjusted his coat. ‘If only I had more time…. This rigid body will not go on for long. Even if I prolong the inevitable with medicine… So much I still need to achieve in this forsaken world… Oh well… At least I’ve got my years of research back inside that worthless bag of flesh and metal….’ 

—---------------------

A ringing noise could be heard in the far distance. It made you wake up. First there was darkness all around you, and you weren’t sure whether you were even alive. Slowly, your eyes got adjusted to the overhead light shining in your face, and after a couple moments, your blurry vision turned sharp. 

Staying calm, you observed your surroundings to try and find out where you were. Looking down you saw that you were strapped to a metal chair, which was bothersome. You were sitting in a small damp room with only one overhead light bathing the walls in a harsh white glow. Pushed against one of the walls was a table with equipment, but it was difficult to figure out what was laying on it due to boxes blocking your view from where you were sitting.

‘Shit’. You murmured to yourself, while you slowly moved your limbs to check whether you were able to break the metal bindings on your own. Unfortunately, the bindings were well enforced, meaning you would have to use something outside of your reach to break at least one of them.

Slowly, your mind caught up with you. Remembering the van and the pouring rain outside, fragments erupted in front of your eyes. You were trying to hide from the soldiers, hoping to canvas the place before giving yourself up. And then there was that familiar voice which made your body freeze up. It was the doctor…. The exact doctor who tortured you all those years and made you into the monster you were today. How could he be alive when you vividly remember killing him when you broke out of the Hydra compound?

The answer to that question had to wait, because it was more important now to find a way out of your predicament. Swaying from left to right, you noticed that the chair was not bolted to the ground. Good, this meant that you could probably throw yourself on the ground with enough force to break one of the hinges enough to free one of your limbs. 

Getting ready for your daring escape move, you heard footsteps in the far distance. Should you risk it? No, it was better to bite your time till the right moment. You had to be docile, to give your capturer the feeling of superiority. You sloughed back into the chair and focused your attention on the concrete floor. Better not to make direct eye contact, as that could be perceived as a threat.

The door creaked open and the doctor popped his head around the corner.

‘Awake are we? Gooooood! It would be a shame to have to work on your while you’re still asleep. No fun in that!.’ 

The doctor closed the door behind him and put a stack of files he was holding under his arm on the table. 

‘I’ve been doing a lot of work in your absence. Trying to replicate the formula and precise settings, key to the program's success. But I was never able to figure it all out. But now that you’re back, I don’t need to tread in the dark much longer. You my dear will ring in a new era of Hydra. One where we can rule the world with order and progress.’  

The doctor walked up to you and softly stroked your cheek. You sat in the chair motionless with a cold expression filling your complexion.

‘Let’s start things slow… It has been so long since we last had a chat. I did miss it. You were a great subject to talk to. Always quiet and observant. Hard to find these days…’ 

The doctor turned around and grabbed something from the table in the corner. ‘I think this will do just fine to get reacquainted.’ 

From the corner of your eye you could see something shimmer in the overhead light. But before you could fully see what it was, you felt a sharp stinging sensation, followed by warmth. The doctor had plunged a knife in between your ribcage, and slowly twisted it for his pleasure. His eyes were gleaming while he observed your face. 

You didn’t let out a sound and kept your face expressionless. This type of pain meant nothing to your body, and there was no gain in pretending it hurt. The doctor's smile turned into a frown. ‘Have I spoiled you too much?’ 

He let go of the handle and kept the knife neatly buried in between your ribs. 

‘I’ve forgotten how much fun we had in the past. Of course this is nothing more than a mosquito bite to you. Not to worry my dear! I’ve got a whole collection of fun things we can try out tonight. After all, your friends will not be here any sooner than I want them to be. More than enough time to fix you up to your former glory.’  

The doctor smiled widely, while walking back to the table to grab another tool. 

‘Time to get to work.’   

-----------------

A couple of hours had gone by and the doctor had become exhausted. He pulled a chair from the corner of the room and put it right in front of your battered body.

His hands and lab coat were drenched in blood and sweat beads dripped down the bridge of his nose. Your breathing was heavy and a weezing noise came from your throat. Your face was swollen with cuts and bruises all over, and your body was covered by thick fresh blood dripping onto the floor. 

The doctor had to take a breather before he could refocus his attention back on you. A toothy grin showed underneath the overhead lighting, while he leaned back into his chair.

‘I’ve forgotten how much fun it is to talk to you. It really helps to lift my spirit!’ 

The doctor chuckled while trying to wipe off some of the blood from his hands.

‘Good thing that you are not easily broken. I should congratulate myself for creating such a perfection of a weapon.’ 

You coughed up some blood while your head was slumped downwards. You realized the situation you were in, and decided to play along for now. No matter what the doctor would do to you, you had to find a way to send a signal back to the team.

But...a thought entered your mind. Would they even show up? 

The Hydra compound was well guarded, so there was no way for the team to sneak in from the back. The amount of soldiers alone would make it impossible to fight them off all by themselves. Even if the team consisted of Iron Man, Captain America and the prior Winter Soldier. 

The risk was too high for them to come and get you. All they needed was to know what Hydra is planning. Saving you wasn’t a priority. If you’d died here, that wouldn’t be a loss on their side. Only for Hydra would it be an annoying setback. 

But seeing as how the doctor had kept working on the program for all these years, it would only be a matter of time before a new soldier would rise up from the ashes. 

If the team did manage to find their way here, would they get to you in time? Before the doctor could reset your programming, which you were certain was high on his agenda of things to do. It wouldn’t be long before the vicious circle would continue, where you would loss all the progress you had made on your own, and would be forced back into the role you were born to be: a mindless killer.

It didn’t matter what the outcome would be. Either way, you had made your peace with the end of everything. To escape from this existence and finally find some rest of your own.

You wouldn’t be mourned, and be forgotten by the next morning. As it should be. 

You spat some of the pooled up blood onto the floor and kept quiet. While the situation was dire and time was running out, you were calm. Perhaps it was for the better. After all, you had been a killing machine for so long.... 

Your life had never held any meaning to it, other than to survive. You couldn’t remember much of your past, let alone any dreams you may have had when you were younger. Becoming a weapon for Hydra isn’t something you planned on happening. But it did, and you just went with it. 

Did you regret killing all those people because you were ordered to do so? Maybe... Maybe not. 

You didn’t know how to feel about it, never had. You never needed to take emotions into consideration when going on with your life. There was no point in fighting your orders, because there was nothing for you out there, in the big bright world. Filled with laughter, joy and love. You were born in the shadows and would remain there till the day you had become useless to Hydra. They would either ship you off to a far away quadrant to die, or kill you right on the spot.

The time at the compound with the team was an interesting development on your trails. But nothing more than a distraction from the inevidable. You would not return back to them. It would all end here.

You were pulled out of your thoughts when the doctor cleared his throat.

‘Where has the time gone where you were knee high, trying to walk? Always pushing yourself to go further. Even then I could see your twisted mind and the darkness inside you.’

‘From all the children we monitored, you always stood out. Even when we told your mother what we would do to you, she didn’t bat an eye. And you didn’t seem to care one bit whether your mother loved you or not. She was scared of you and was more than happy to sell you to us.’

The doctor laughed.

‘Even the most upstanding citizen can be corrupted with the right amount of money. Naturally, we couldn’t let your mother leave after we told her about our plans with you. And that was the most magical day of all. You were 6 years old when your mother sold you to us. We had already done some ground work, improving your mind while suppressing emotions. The last encounter with your mother was the final step needed to put you in the program. After all, having  bonds with people is nothing more than a headache waiting to happen!’

The doctor showed a toothy grin while raising his glass.

‘You stood before your mother as emotionless as you are now. Wearing a thin one piece with old shoes with holes in them. Your nose was red as a beet during that cold winter morning, when she delivered you to our doorstep. Greed was visible in her eyes as she eagerly pushed you towards us to get the suitcase with money in return.’

‘Your eyes were empty, showing no sign of any humanity left inside your sad little mind. I handed you a gun and you grabbed it tightly with your frostbitten hands. When I ordered you to shoot her, you did so without hesitation. Your mother fell on the ground while the snow turned red. And all you did was stand there, awaiting your next order.’

‘And that’s when I knew that my program would become a success.’

The doctor took a sip of his drink and smiled.

Your right hand clenched into a fist for a moment, but you soon let your body relax again.

‘And look at you now. All grown up and still the good little girl you were on that cold winter morning. No matter what they tried to do to you, my program is flawless.’

The doctor got up from his seat, and with slight difficulty, walked towards you. He put his face closer to yours and continued in a whispering tone. 

‘I’ve grown old and aching in your absence. But there is still enough life left in me to fix you. You are the key to our return into the world, and you will be there to ensure Hydra lives on.’

You didn’t show any response to the doctors monologue, which he perceived as rude. He slapped you across the face with the inside of his palm, and janked you by your hair to look at him.

Your eyes started to shift and you gazed into the doctor's eyes. 

‘Better’, he replied with a bitter tone.

‘I know you’re trying to fight the program. They’ve done something to my perfect creation. But don’t fear... I will fix what they’ve broken.’ 

The doctor let go of your hair and your head slumbed back down.

‘I think we’ve had enough fun for one day. Tomorrow morning we’ll begin your rehabilitation.’ 

‘Get some rest for now my dear.’ 

The doctor walked to the only metal door in the room and flicked the light switch. The overhead light slowly died out and left you chained to a chair in darkness.

‘Sweet dreams’, the doctor said while closing the door behind him.

Tags:

@vicmc624

@psychadelichues​

@iminsecurebutstillbetterthanyou​

#bucky fanfic #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barns x reader #steve rodgers x reader #Steve Rodgers #natasha romanoff #natasha x reader #tony stark x reader #tony stark

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 20

*Warnings: some light swearing, blood*

Slightly longer, sorry!

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

It was quiet in the car while Natasha drove you to the drop off point. You hadn’t exchanged a word since you left the compound. Everything had been said what needed to be said, and now it was time to take action. Your backpack was laying on the backseat, while on a low volume, music was playing from the car radio. 

You didn’t pay a lot of attention to the song, but it made you think about your time in the compound. You recalled when Bucky tried to make you enjoy music. 

Bucky himself wasn’t a big fan of modern music. He could appreciate the craft, but would always have a soft spot for 40s music. You didn’t get the whole appeal of ‘’listening to music’’. Sitting still, while instruments would construct notes which would combine into a melody, sounded unnatural to you. 

It was a real struggle for Bucky to have you sit still and actively listen to music. More often than not you would get aggressive towards him, aggitated by the fact that he forced something on you. 

Bucky realised he had to change his approach with you. He addressed it from more of a skillset type of thing, as you were a soldier through and through. He talked to you about the concept of music, and that using it as a tool could help with your anxiety, which he said you clearly had. 

He highlighted that music had helped him during the tough period, where he had to reconnect with life. You thought about it for a while, but agreed to give it a try.

It took a while to find the right music genre, but eventually you landed on the 40′s era as the one that seemed to connect with you. Which was an absolute treat for Bucky, as he could share his favorite songs with you. From there on out, Bucky would put on some 40′s classics when you spend time in his room.

While at first you didn’t say much. Eventually, conversation started to flow. 

You didn’t initated any topics to discuss, so Bucky would be the one asking you questions. Your answers were short and to the point, but it was a start. One evening you asked him about his past life. You can still see the way in which Bucky’s face lit up. It felt weird receiving such a response, as you were only used to seeing fear or anger when asking questions. 

Bucky told you all about the 40′s. The way people would dance on Friday nights, how him and Steve would take the car of a buddy of theirs and drive around, and when neighbours were actually friendly towards one another. 

As Bucky remembered his life before Hydra, he didn’t mind telling you about it. He would see the soft twinkling in your eyes, and how you were captivated by the stories he shared with you. Whenever he would smile warmly, you asked him why. He never told you how happy it made him that he could entertain you with his stories. It was in those fleeting moments that you both weren’t tormented by your PTSD, but simply became friends sharing fond memories with one another.

You felt pressured however when Bucky asked you about your past. He wanted to get to know you better, learning about the kind of person you were before the hell you’ve gone through. You couldn’t remember your past life and, after a lot of dancing around the topic, reluctantly told Bucky you didn’t remember. Knowing first hand how hard is was not remembering ones life, he never pushed you about the subject ever again.  

In the years that you were on your own, you’d sit in the dark, unable to sleep due to another nightmare, or simply not being tired to begin with. You’d create fake memories or life scenarios to pass the time with. As you knew nothing but your time at Hydra, you pictured what your past life could have looked like.

You’d also imagine what your future could have been like, as you knew you didn’t have one to begin with. 

The image of leading an ordinary life with a husband, and maybe some children later down the line, would pop up from time to time. As you had never experienced having a family, or couldn’t remember, the idea itself vaguely intrigued you. To you, it was the most normal life one could possibly have. 

It seemed like a very cut and dry existence, where you didn’t have to worry for your life. You simply had to live it out till the ripe old age where you could no longer fuction. And then you would die, surrounded by people that cared for you. At least, that’s what you managed to make of it throughout your years on the run. 

You’ve seen plenty of families on your travels, so you assumed that creating one was expected of people who weren’t... killing machines. Almost that it was a standard, uphold by everyone that was considered a normal human being. So you definitely did not fit into that category...

With everything you had done, and still had to do.... how could you possibly start living a ‘’normal’’ life? And not even that. How could you spend a life with someone if you were nothing more than an empty cell with deadly skills? You always told yourself, in those moments, that you didn’t want a normal life nor needed one. All you had to do was stay hidden from Hydra and make it to the next day.

Pine trees zipped by your window while you made a mental image of your surroundings. This might very well be the last time that you would see the outside world on your own accord. 

You felt calm, even if you were getting closer and closer to your worst nightmare. It was the not knowing part that troubled you. Would you really be able to stay in control once Hydra captured you? Was it as simple as ‘’believing in yourself’’ as Steve had said to you before you left? You rested your head against the car window and let your mind wander further. 

There was nothing in the world you wanted more than to make Hydra suffer. To kill every last connection there was to their vile organization. And you would enjoy every single moment of it. But that would only be possible if the sequence was indeed broken.

If you had to be honest with yourself, you didn’t believe that Stark had managed to break it. The disconnect and lapses in memory proved this, and there was a nagging feeling that the mission would fail in the end.

Bucky’s face popped up which caught you off guard. You shouldn’t have bonded with him, because now you imagined the impact it would have on him if you failed the mission. Something you never had to worry about before. Being on your own allowed you to only focus on yourself, and not the impact your actions had on others.  

You had to get rid of the emotional ties with Bucky which had started to fester. Not only could Hydra easily use this against you if they found out, it also cluttered your mind. You repeated to yourself over and over again that he meant nothing to you. And that you meant nothing to him. He had to evaluate whether you were a danger or not, and that’s exactly what he did. 

Anything else that happened or the conversations that were had, were all part of the deal.

Natasha sensed that your mind was drifting, so she opted to break the silence.

‘I like your vest’. She said out of the blue with a grin. 

The weird remark made you turn your head, and pay attention to her. 

‘My vest?’ Your voice still as monotone as ever. 

You looked down and observed the clothes you were wearing. Indeed, you wore a black combat vest which had enough pockets to carry your equipment in. But you always opted for a good old backpack, as you didn’t want to weigh yourself down during a fight. A bag could easily be thrown to the side in the heat of the moment.

‘I like you style’. Nat added.

After a couple seconds you put the pieces together. 

‘Are you trying to comfort me?’ Your voice low and steady.

‘Maybe... maybe not. Just seemed like you needed a reminder that life is not as terrible as you make it out to be. You’re not alone anymore and you can rely on us. We’re not going to let Hydra keep you for long. Once this is over, I’ll show you some fun things you can do.’ 

‘So you better not go MIA on us, or I’ll kick your ass and drag you back myself!’ 

You didn’t show any emotion and stared back at the road.

‘Highly unlikely.’

Natasha gasped and acted like she was offended, but there was a clear grin on her face.

‘It’s good to hear you still got your spark. Don’t lose that. No matter what happens in that base, don’t forgot who you’ve become.’ 

You watched the white stripes of the road disappear underneath the car. 

‘Don’t waste your emotions on me.’

Natasha sighed.

‘You know.... This tough act will only wear you down in the end.’

You clenched your jaw and started to get annoyed. You thought, more like hoped, that Natasha wasn’t the chatty type.... You really wanted to spend you last moments of freedom in silence. Not by talking about useless matters. 

‘Don’t forget what I’m capable of’.

Natasha froze behind the wheel. It’s not that she had forgotten, but she really hoped that, with more time and support, you’d be able to leave your past behind... like Bucky had. 

If Bucky and Steve hadn’t convinced Nat that you were indeed ‘getting better’, she would not have agreed to the 30 minute car drive with you. Bucky had definitely managed to put fear in people as his alter ego, including Natasha. However, Nat knew what the Winter Soldier was capable of. And as Bucky has not been him for a long time, she no longer feared him. 

Winter Soldier had been THE assassin when it came to public assassinations and spreading fear through the ranks. He was the ‘New Fist of Hydra’ and was therefore send after anyone that threatened Hydra’s existence. 

Authorities and everyday folk never knew that it was him who was behind a couple of well known assasinations. But people within that world, like Natasha and SHIELD, learned about the Winter Soldier throughout the years, and labeled him as one of the most dangerous assassins known to men. 

Snippets here and there, and a grainy photograph confirmed his existence. Even thought the timeline did not add up (50+ years was impossible for one person to keep up with), the Winter Soldier became a ghost story. Until Natasha encountered him on a mission, and was left with a scar on her abdomen. Which turned the Winter Soldier from a ghost into a tangible threat. 

With you however, it was a completely different story. Not much was known about the things you had done, as you worked in the shadows. It was only by sheer luck that some things popped up during the teams research. 

SHIELD was not able to gain intel on what you looked like, and there was no way of establishing a profile. As your attacks (which they were able to confirm) were sporadic and ranging in victim age, gender, occupation and nationality, there was no way of tracking you down easily. 

The things that did surface made Natasha’s heart pound faster. Where the Winter Soldier had put fear into people, you would spread terror and panic among those that knew about your existence. No one would volunteer to seek you out nor wanting to fight you head on.

Your skillset wasn’t masively different from that of Bucky (when he was the Winter Soldier). But it was the way in which you performed your missions. Not possessing any emotions to guide your moral compass, you were driven by orders alone. This allowed Hydra to put you on higher risk missions, where discretion was of utmost importance. 

As the Winter Soldier was well known by this point in time, his mere presence drew attention to any mission he was put on. So using their secret weapon in those cases was a no brainer for Hydra. 

They didn’t need you going after the people threatening the organization, as they had Bucky for that. They send you after those that Hydra could benefit from... with the right ‘push’. There was never a doubt in their mind that your missions would succeed. After all, you didn’t question your orders and couldn’t be pursuaded by your target to spare them.  

Where Bucky would have to be wiped after every mission, as his personality and memories would return, for you this wasn’t an issue. You were a doll without emotions or a will, so this made dealing with you much easier for Hydra. 

Not every mission you were send on ended in you killing someone. There were times where you simply had to show yourself to pressure your target into obedience. However, if your target resisted or didn’t comply to your orders, they would not live to tell the tale.

This became apparent when SHIELD received intel of a potential sighting, and jumped on the chance to capture you. Of course the intel raised suspicion. Why now did you seem to have dropped the ball and leave clues about your movements? It was clear that it was a trap set by Hydra, but for SHIELD this chance was too good to give up on. Taking out at least one of Hydra’s assassins would be considered a victory. 

A highly skilled team of agents where deployed to bring you in. The intel showed that you were held up in some abandoned coal factory. There were rumors that you had hostages with you, which made it more of a rescue mission. The team was instructed to use precaution when entering the building. Non of the agents involved took your presence lightly, as they knew what you were capable of from the few things SHIELD had managed to link to your ‘handy work’.  

Fifteen men were send in, and none returned alive. When SHIELD was able to send backup, they found a horrifying scene. Some soldiers had body parts ripped off, blood dripping of walls, and covering most of the floor. And not a single shred of evidence to link you to the scene, showing that you were there in the first place. Defeated and ashamed for being led into the known trap with this outcome, SHIELD had made the mission and any data on you classified. Instructions came in that no one was to pursue you untill further notice. 

At the time, no one knew that SHIELD had been infiltrated by Hydra. Because of this, Hydra was able to delete most of your activities without anyone ever knowing about it. Hence why you were so difficult to capture or even find. As if you were nothing more than a shadow. 

Hydra had set the trap to showcase their power to SHIELD. To make them fearful once more and show them that Hydra was stronger than ever. 

When Natasha met Fury at SHIELD HQ, he showed her a couple of the classified pictures of the incident. He instructed her that no action was to be taken on it, but to simply keep an eye out in case you’d pop up. Natasha could not believe that the carnage shown was done by a single human being. Scrap that.... In that moment, Nat did not think of you as a human, but a monster.    

Natasha’s throat closed up after remembering your dark past, and cleared her throat.

‘I didn’t forget, but I don’t see you as that person anymore. No one in the team does. What Hydra had tortured you into.... That wasn’t you.’

‘What has been done cannot be changed. But you’re not that mo.... person any longer.’

You stayed quiet while trying to convey through your body language that you didn’t want to talk anymore. It didn’t matter what people thought of you. Once a monster, always a monster. 

Unfortunately for you, Natasha wasn’t done talking with you just yet. The conversation had taken a dark turn, and she wanted to end it on something positive. 

‘I should thank you...’

Beyond annoyed at this point, you didn’t want to respond to her. But something made you curious as to why someone would want to thank you...

‘Why...’

Natasha smiled, as you still responded to her, even though it was clear you were agitated. This put her mind at ease, showing that your progress was not made up by Bucky or Steve, but actually true. You did possess some emotion, and had become more human like during your time in the compound. A far cry from the monster she had made you as inside her head years prior.  

‘For making Barnes happy.’

Your eyes shifted to Natasha.

‘What do you mean...’, you ask coldly. 

Natasha grabbed the steering wheel tighter and stared at the road.

‘Bucky had it rough after breaking away from Hydra. Especially after being confronted by all he had done as the Winter Soldier. It still weighs heavily on his conscious.....’

‘We told him time and time again that he should talk with a professional about it. But he always changed the subject. I think it’s because he’s scared of opening up. Having someone judge him for his past actions... Can’t say I blame him.’

‘But he has definitely changed ever since we brought you to the compound. He looks calmer and happier than I’ve ever seen him. Even Steve noticed this positive change and attributed it to you.’

You stayed quiet and stared back at the road. This conversation was starting to wear you down. In your life you have never done anything that could be seen as positive. Most certainly had you not done anything note worthy for Bucky. 

‘I know you must think that you haven’t done anything like that. But just being there for him, and talking to him has done more good than you think. If you just...’

You interupted Natasha. 

‘Stop talking....’

About to say something again, you shut her down.

‘Don’t...’ 

The way in which you said it made Natasha back down. Uneasy by your blank eyes staring at her, she opted not to poke the bear and stop talking. 

You put your head back against the window. It was nothing more than empty words at this point. When there was the possibility that a person would not see another person ever again, they’d feel the need to say whatever came to mind. To make that other person feel better and comfort them. But it’s nothing more then selfishness taking over. Not wanting to be left with guilt if something goes wrong.

What Nat forgot however, was that you were not like most people. The only thing she had managed to do was waste your final moments of freedom with bullshit. You had a mission to fulfill and talking about your bond with Bucky was only annoying you at this point. The mission was dangerous, so you didn’t need reminding of the possibility of never seeing Bucky again.

You cursed yourself for allowing emotions to emerge. God dammit, your mind was filled with Bucky. You repeated to yourself AGAIN that Bucky meant nothing to you and that you meant nothing to him. You took a deep breath and pushed Bucky out of your mind.  

You’re nothing more than a killing machine, destroying everything and anyone you touch. You would never have a place in this world nor deserve to find happiness. Focus on the mission and nothing else. You are a weapon and nothing more. 

Your mind became hyper focused on the mission, and you felt yourself getting numb again. Good, this was the mindset you needed. Not the emotional driven state Natasha was trying to get you in.  

Natasha sighed when you completely ignored her. She had said her piece and really hoped that some of it would stick with you. But worry crept in when she could clearly see that you were shutting yourself down on purpose. Forcing yourself to become the monster... the machine as you liked to call it, and erase any signs of the progress you had made.  

The rest of the journey was filled with silence. Nat had turned the radio off because she couldn’t be bothered listening to it herself. 

-----------------------------

‘We’re here’. Natasha said after parking the car on the side of the road.

You nodded and opened the passenger door. It was quiet, aside from a few birds chirping. Fall was in the air as the trees around you were starting to change color. 

Knowing what needed to be done, you couldn’t allow yourself to dilly daddle. You shook your head and walked to the back door to grab your backpack. 

Natasha was leaning against the hood of the car and had her arms folded. She looked at you with worry, but quickly hid it when you turned around.

‘You all set?’ 

You nodded. 

‘Good. Before you go though, here.’ She handed you a small device with a button.

‘It’s a tiny tracking device. Just press this button and we'll be able to follow your movements untill you either disconnect it or it gets destroyed.’ 

‘Try to keep it with you for as long as you can before ditching it. The longer we can track your whereabouts, the easier it will be for us to get into position. Of course, you will still have to send out a final signal from the Hydra base. But the more info we have about the estimated area you are in, the quicker we can get you out of there.’

She smiled at you while you took the device in your hand.

You looked at it and sighed. 

‘This is cumbersome.’

‘That is why the device is small. You can easily crush it in your hand and no one will every know it was there... Please... It will put Barnes’s mind at ease.’

You stared at Natasha and clenched your jaw. Did she really think that bringing Bucky into this would magically make you agree to it?

About to throw the device on the ground, you heard Bucky’s voice. Looking around to figure out where the source was coming from, Natasha held up a walkie talkie.

‘You there? Answer me Natasha!’

Natasha chuckled while pressing the button.

‘Yeah yeah, I’m here. For a soldier I must say Barnes, you have no patience.’

There was silence that followed, which most likely meant that Bucky was cursing on the other side.

‘Oh come on winter boy, I was just playing around with you.’

‘Don’t.... Is... Is Y/N there?’

Nat looked up and watched your facial expression. She could see that you wanted to say something, but held yourself back.

‘Yeah, Y/N is here. Do you want me to relay a message?’

‘Just hand the walkie to her’. 

Natasha sighed and handed the walkie talkie to you, but you took a step back.

‘You don’t want to talk to him?’

‘Let me do my job and just go back to the compound.’

Bucky’s voice activated the walkie talkie.

‘Y/N.... I... You’re focussed on the mission right now, and I respect that. But please, use the tracking device for as long as it’s safe... please. Knowing you, you must have told Natasha you weren’t going to use it. But please, just do this so I can get to you sooner.’

You clenched your fist while listening to Bucky. Couldn’t they just leave you be? Why did they have to be so over bearing?! You would not take orders from anyone. And certainly not Bucky. Just because you share a past doesn’t mean he can tell you what to do.

But before you could rebel against the request, Natasha walked closer to you. 

‘It’s not an order Y/N. Please, just let us help you where we can. Please...’

All this smothering was becoming unbearable, and you took another step back.

‘Fine...’. You growled while activating the device, and putting it in your breast pocket. 

‘Now leave me alone...’

Natasha sighed and nodded. She was happy that you accepted their help, but felt bad for leaving you behind like this.

‘She took the device. I’m heading back.’

She walked back to the car and nodded at you one final time, before getting in and turning it around. You watched as the car sped down the road, and left you alone on the side of it. 

Based on the intel from Jarvis, the scouts were a couple kilometers out from your position. You looked at a tree and walked over to it. No way would they believe that you were taking a pleasant stroll in these parts of the woods. You had to sell the story that you were still on the run, so you had to look the part.

Leaning your head back as far as you could, you bashed your head against the tree. You split the skin above your eyebrow and blood dripped down your face. Good, it was a start. You spread the blood over your hands and patted it over your clothes. Grabbing your knife, you ripped parts of your clothes, as they looked too neat for someone on the run. 

You lay yourself on the forest floor and started rolling through the dirt. To finish off the look, you punched yourself in the face a couple times. Using the blade side of the knife as a makeshift mirror, you observed your ‘’makeover’’. 

Satisfied with your handy work, you put the knife back in its holster and fastened your backpack. Time to get to work. 

----------

After walking through the forest for about 40 minutes or so, you could hear vague voices in the distance. While walking you had made sure to walk through the thorny patches of bush. This to roughen up your clothes some more and to create scratches on your flesh leg. You wouldn’t be able to replicate it with a knife, so why not use what mother nature provided?

The voices became louder so you knew it was time to start the mission. Pressing on the split skin above your eyebrow, you made fresh blood drip down your face again. Better to sell the image that you were hurt, and therefore ‘’easier’’ to overtake, than showing that you had strength left to fight them. 

You started to wobble to completely sell the farce of this rediculous situation. Who in their right mind would think that, knowing what you were, you had been overwhelmed in a fight? 

You hoped that the scouts were simply too stupid to come to that conclusion themselves. Most likely they would be too overwhelmed with pride that they would be able to bring you back to their base camp. Not realizing that something was off about the way they found you. 

Slowing your walking pace, you looked down to give the illusion that you didn’t spot the soldiers. This should be another red flag for anyone that had half a brain to work with..... 

The Hydra scouts stopped walking when they saw you wobbling in the distance. 

A combination of shouting and the pointing of guns followed. 

‘STOP RIGHT THERE!’ One of the scouts shouted.

‘PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!’ Another shouted. 

The third one slowly walked over to you, while pointing his gun at your head. You put your hands up and stared at the ground. Blood from your cut dripped on a pile of leaves. 

‘Show you face!’ The scout demanded, to which you complied. 

You slowly raised your head to come face to face with Hydra, for the first time in a long while. 

The scout observed you for a moment before his eyes grew wide. 

‘You got to be fucking kidding me’. The scout said after which he laughed loudly. 

‘Guys... You won’t believe who we have come across!’

The other two scouts were confused for a moment, and joined the third one to see who they encountered. 

When both looked at you, their faces showed vile grins. They definitely knew who you were, and based on their expression.... they were indeed overtaken by pride. Which was a good thing for you. 

‘Well well well, if it isn’t our lost weapon of old.’ One of the two scouts said with glee.

‘And here I thought we would come up empty handed.’ The other one of the two said.

‘Maybe we can have some fun with her before we bring her in.’

The third scout, closest to you, ignored the remark for a moment while he observed you some more. He saw the wound above your eyebrow and the bruising on your face. Your clothes looked dirty and well worn, but he was clearly not as easily pursuaded in the ease of finding you as the other two were. 

‘And what makes you walk through these woods eh? Kind of odd to find you here, simply based on a cold trail we picked up on a while ago...?’

Your face was emotionless while you stared at the third scout. He must be the leader of the three, as he was the only one using his brain... 

‘What? You lost your tongue or what? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!’

The third scout hit you with the handle of his gun in your face. Your nose started to bleed but you remained calm. It didn’t feel broken, but you didn’t want to risk moving your hands to check on your nose. Any sudden move could be perceived as violence, which would derail the whole plan if a fight broke out. 

‘Escaped.’ You said while spitting out some of the blood that had dripped in your mouth. 

The third scout raised his eyebrow.

‘Escaped you say... And from what uh? Knowing your history, you’re not easily beaten.’

‘Bounty hunters’. You responded calmly. 

The third scout scratched his chin, thinking for a moment if what you said made sense.

‘We heard you left quite the trail on your travels. Not surprising that there is a bounty on your head. You must have been in quite a fight eh.’ 

The third scout grinned while poking the cut above your eyebrow with the back of his gun. Some more blood started to drip from the wound, which made the scout seemingly happy.

‘I thought you were tougher. The ranks have clearly been lying about how dangerous you are. I could easily take you myself.’ The third scout said while spitting on the ground.

‘Either way... the doc is going to be REALLY happy to see you. Put her in cuffs!’

The two scouts walked up to you and put cuffs around your wrists. The cuffs were reinforced, so it would be tough to break out of them, even with your prosthetic arms.   

‘Don’t try anything funny you hear. We’ll simply shoot you a couple times. We’re not allowed to kill you, but the doc never said we can’t hurt you.’ One of the two scouts said with a vile smile returning on his face.

‘Move it!’ The third scout shouted while pushing the nozzle of his gun against your back. You started to walk behind the other two scouts to wherever they were taking you. 

The first part of the mission had gone smoother than you thought. The only thing on your mind currently was that bloody tracking device Natasha gave you. It was still in your right breast pocket. Not that these goons would even think about patting you down, because they’re clearly amateurs, but you couldn’t risk them finding it. 

----------------------------

Something you didn’t know was that the small tracking device was also broadcasting sound back to the compound. Meaning that the team was able to listen in on everything that had happened so far. 

Bucky’s knuckles had turned white from clenching his fists. Just the way in which those basterds talked to you made his blood boil. He would definitely break the goons arm for hitting you in the face. 

‘The first step of the mission is a success’. Stark said while looking at the tiny blip on the screen. 

Cap stared at the screen laser focused. 

‘Yes, but the thoughest part is yet to come’. He said with a dread filled voice.

Tony looked at Steve and dropped his head. He felt slight nauseau, knowing that at any moment the device could be disconnected. You would be off grid, and the only hope they had was your capabilities of sending a signal once you arrived at the Hydra base.

As Hydra was well advanced on the technological front, there was no way that they would not mask their base from radar or satilites. 

Not that the team hadn’t been working on another approach, in case you weren’t able to broadcast anything. Even if the tracking device would be destroyed. For at least a little while longer, it would send out tiny electronic pulses. These weren’t as precise as the in-tacked device would be able to produce. But it would help them create an estimated area of where you were last spotted. This approach would definitely take longer in tracking you down, but the team didn’t want to risk losing you all together. 

‘How long do we have to wait?’ Bucky growled. 

‘You know the drill Buck. We have to wait at least half a day before we can move out.’

Steve stared at his friend and knew how horrible Bucky must be feeling. There was nothing they could do for now, because moving out too soon would risk your life and the mission. 

Stark and Natasha both thought that the Hydra base could not be out further than a days drive. So they had to stay put for at least 12 hours before starting their rescue mission. 

Bucky slammed his fist on the table due to frustration.

‘This is BULLSHIT! I’m going after her!’

He started walking to the door, but Steve pushed him back.

‘I know you’re frustrated Buck. But if you leave know, you will risk the whole mission and Y/N’s life. Is that what you want? That all of this will be for nothing?’

Bucky clenched his jaw and backed down. 

‘The moment we can move out, we will Buck, trust me. For now, all we can do is collect as much intel as we can regarding Y/N’s current position. Tony, can you continue tracking the device? Buck, I need your help in preparing our equipment.’

Tony nodded and stared back at the screen while Cap patted Bucky on the back.

‘Come on Buck. You need something to distract yourself with, so let’s make sure our equipment is ready when we go after Y/N.’

Bucky growled and pushed Steve’s arm away. He knew Steve was right..... But he hated not being in control. You were out there, risking your life, and the team was safe and sound in the compound, fumbling their thumbs...

------------------------

The two scouts up ahead were talking about unimportant stuff. You walked behind them while the third scout walked right behind you. 

You were still in the forest, and there was nothing around you but trees. It didn’t seem like the Hydra camp was close by yet. This meant that you could keep the tracking device active for a little while longer. 

Every once in a while you would feel the nozzle of a gun against your back. The third scout felt the need to let you know he was still there. Even though you could clearly hear him breathing heavily behind you. He did not seem to be in the best of shape. Hydra must have been cutting corners, or these buffoons were useless for anything else than being gun fodder... ie. scouts.

You kept up the pace and listened to the crunching of leaves underneath your boots. The weather had turned, and there was a stronger wind ruffling the tree tops. You didn’t feel cold, but were not looking forward to dragging your feet through mud when it would start to rain.

One of the scouts looked at the sky above and stopped walking for a moment.

‘Hey... you think it’s gonne rain?’

The other scout looked up. 

‘Does it matter? We’ll be at the vehicle soon enough’.

Vehicle? You clearly remember Jarvis stating that there was no vehicle in a 50 kilometer radius. If there was indeed a vehicle, that would make it all the more tricky to get rid of that god damn tracking device. 

You came up with the plan to act like you lost your balance, and slam into a tree. Which would crush the device. But if you were going to travel by car, destroying the device now would only make it harder for the team to find you. Especially as you had no idea how quickly you would be able to get access to a radio....

‘Quit your whining and just walk already!’ The third scout grunted while pushing you forward. 

The group started walking again, and you had to think of a different plan to get rid of the device.

-----------

On the other side of the line, both Stark and Natasha had heard what the scouts had said.

‘God dammit! They have a vehicle close by!’ Natasha said annoyed.

‘I thought you said there weren’t any vehicles?! What if they find the device, or what if Y/N can’t get rid of it in time? She’s in cuffs so she can’t move her hands freely!’

‘Calm down will you Natasha....’ Tony said while rubbing his forhead with his thumb. 

‘Y/N is a soldier and a survivor. I’m certain that she will think of a way to get rid of it, okay....’

Natasha sighed and nodded. She hoped Tony was right. 

----------------

You kept following the scouts till the sun had started to creep closer to the overhead hills. It must be getting dark soon.

‘How much longer do we have to walk?’ One of the scouts complained.

The third scout was starting to lose his patience.

‘If I hear you complain one more time, I’m gonne shoot you in the head, you hear me!’

The scout that complained quickly turned his head forward, and didn’t mutter another word. 

When the sun had gone down completely, the scouts activated the flashlights on their helmets. The lights weren’t extremely bright, so it made it harder to walk, but it was enough to come by.

All of a sudden the two scouts ahead stopped walking.

‘Finally....’ the other scout who wasn’t threatened before muttered.

‘Deactivate the force field you dimwit! Or are you planning on staying the night here!’ The third scout growled. 

The scout jumped and quickly grabbed a small device from his pocket. He pressed the button and the scenery in front of them started to vibrate. You were intrigued that these idiots were able to handle this kind of technology.

Couple seconds later a van appeared in front of you. 

‘Walk’. The third scout ordered and pushed you towards the van. 

‘You, go sit with her in the back and keep an eye on her. Any weird movement and you shoot her in the leg.’

‘Yes, sir!’

The third scout pushed you inside the van, and you took a seat on one of the metal benches, attached to the side of the van.

The scout climbed in and took a seat opposite from you.

The doors slammed shut and you were sitting in silence with the scout. He hold his gun tightly against his chest, almost afraid he would lose it. You sighed and leaned against the side wall of the van. Your hands were aching for some action, but you knew that starting a fight now would be pointless. You had to wait till you were closer to the base before bashing some heads in. 

Two more doors slammed shut, and the ignition brought the van to life. The vehicle started the shake back and forth, while the van started to drive through the forest. You could hear rain falling on the roof, so that meant that soon enough the ground would become a muddy mess.... just great..... 

You had no idea how long the ride would be to the base. The scout sitting opposite of you didn’t seem tough, so why not ask?

‘How much longer’. You growled at him.

The suddenness of your voice made the scout jump.

‘Shut up!’ He said angrily.  

‘Scared?’ You responded with a cold expression.

The scout clenched his jaw.

‘Shut up, you’re not supposed to talk. I will shoot you!’

You leaned your head back against the side of the van.

‘Try me.’

The scout clenched the gun tightly in his hands, but managed to calm down. Clearly, he knew in how much trouble he would be if he indeed shoot you. Something told you that they had clear instructions not to hurt you, even if they tried to convince you otherwise. 

‘How much longer’. You repeated while staring at the scout.

You clearly ticked him off, but he held his composure.

‘None of your fucking business’. He grunted.

‘How...much...longer...’ You said again, but this time your voice sounded low and treatening, while you leaned forward. 

The scout stared at you, and you saw the fear in his eyes. He must have heard plently of stories about you, and wasn’t as brave by himself as he was with his buddies. 

He shifted on the bench and became uncomfortable. He must not be happy being stuck in a small confined space with you.

He swallowed a couple times and made eye contact with you.

‘Th...three hours.’ He said, after which he quickly broke your line of sight with him.

You sighed and closed your eyes. Three hours... Not a long time to enjoy the last peace you’d find for god knows how long. Well... good thing these scouts are idiots. Had they been well trained soldiers, this might have gone down a whole different way. 

----------------

Every once in a while, the scout would look nervously on his watch. You were able to catch a glimps of it, and saw that it was 5.43 when you asked him how long the ride would be. 

Right now, you saw that it was 6.22. Just an hour and give or take 15 minutes untill you would arive at the Hydra base. Your right leg felt stiff so you slowly moved it back and forth.

The scout immediately clenched his gun and pointed it at you.

You ignored him, and continued moving your leg. It being half a prosthetic made it more susceptible to getting stiff if you didn’t move it for a long time.

‘Stop moving!’ The scout yelled while keeping his gun aimed at your head. 

You stared at the scout, which caused him to squirm on his bench. No back bone whatsoever...

You stopped moving your leg and stared at the floor. You had to be patient for a little while longer.

The cut on your stomach was aching, but you knew that you didn’t have to worry about stitches ripping. After applying his remedy serum, Stark checked your wounds before you left, and said that you had healed enough that you could fight. But urged you to avoid it for as long as possible. 

--------

When the scout checked his watch again, you saw that the current time was 7.29. Time to get rid of the tracking device before it could be discovered at the Hydra base. 

There was no point in taking the precautious route. It was only one scout, and there was no way in hell that he would be able to overpower you. Not even with your hands in cuffs. 

You quickly got up, and before the scout could fully comprehend what was happening, slammed your shoulder against the side of his face. The scout grunted out in pain and fell to the floor. You kicked him in the ribs, and finished it off with a swift kick to the head, knocking him out.

You kneeled down next to the waste of space, and searched his pockets. He should have the key to your cuffs somewhere. When you found the keys, with slight difficulty, you managed to free yourself. 

Able to move freely once more, you stretched your legs and arms, and sat back down on the bench.

From your right breast pocket, you grabbed the tracking device and stared at it. This was your last connection to the outside world. The only thing you could hope for was that the team had gathered enough data to construct an estimated proximity on the map.... 

All of a sudden, the vehicle came to a screeching halt. The voices of soldiers could be heard and the shouting of orders. Had you already arrived at the Hydra base?

You couldn’t stay in the back of the van like this. You had to canvas the area first before you would allow yourself to be captured. Time to break out of this van.

With a powerfull kick against one of the back doors, the hinges broke and the door fell on the ground. Without a second thought, you jumped out of the van and quickly b-lined for the closest cover you could find: a high stack of crates. This should make it a bit harder for soldiers to shoot at you directly. 

More shouting could be heard and big spotlights bathed the forest in light. You stayed quiet behind the crates, thinking of your next move.

‘You have returned to me’. A foreign voice said.

‘After all these years you finally decided to come home.’

The voice made your skin crawl. Why was your body responding in this way?

‘Don’t be shy now, show your face to me’. The voice said.

Like hell you would. You quickly scanned your surroundings and saw a small patch of tall grass that was not hit by the spotlights. You could hide in there for a moment, and then crawl to your next hiding spot.

‘I wouldn’t do that if I where you’. The foreign voice whispered closely behind you.

Not possible... No one is able to sneak up on you. You slowly turned around, but not before grabbing your knife to defend yourself against whoever was standing behind you.

The figure was wearing a long black rain coat, while the hood covered their face.

‘Come now.... That is no way to great an old friend.’

The stranger held his hands up, showing to you that he had no weapons on him.

You wanted to move towards the stranger, plunging your knife in either their chest or neck. But you weren’t able to move your body. You couldn’t even lift the hand that was holding the knife.

‘Ah.... There is that ferocity I’d came to love so much’

‘I can see that you are puzzled by all this. Your eyes betray you.’

‘I know what makes you tick. After all..... it was I who created you.’

Your eyes widened, not able to comprehend what the stranger had just told you. Frozen in place you stared at the hooded figure.

The stranger held up a small box with a blinking light.

‘Did you really think I would approach you without taking precaution? It has been years after all, so I don’t know how much damage as been done to my precious work.’

Your eyes shifted to the box the man was holding. 

‘This little box here... ah... Such a wonder to behold.’

‘You might not be able to hear it, but it emits small shock waves. It’s harmless for humans, but for you....’ A toothy grin became visible underneath the hood. 

‘This little device makes your body freeze up at the flick of a button. You couldn’t have know that I implanted a tiny chip somewhere in your body. This chip transmits the impulses from this device, and causes your muscles to freeze up.’

With a whisper, the hooded figure started speaking to you.

‘Ah yes, poetry was always my soft spot. All this time on the run, thinking you would find your freedom, and not knowing you would never be able to escape me. After all... you are my little doll, aren’t you?’ 

You clenched your jaw and glared at the stranger, which earned you a hearty laugh.

‘Oh my sweetness, you will always be my best work, my muse to life itself!’

‘It has been so long, but I can finally marvel at my best work once more. How sweet words can sound...’ The voice said vile.

Your eyes shifted again, but this time they didn’t show anger. They showed a different emotion you hadn’t felt in a long time. 

‘Our soldier shall rise.’

Something in your brain started to click. You recognized the voice. Your hands started to shake. Not possible. This voice. It couldn’t be. You killed the owner of that voice a long time ago!

‘Now..... what was the rest of the rhyme.. Oh yes. How silly of me.’ 

‘Plunging our enemies into their demise’.

You could feel your mind fighting to stay in control. You wanted to scream, but your body was frozen in place. It didn’t feel like you would be able to resist. 

‘Ah.... What do I see there. It that... .. Yesssss. You have fear in your eyes.’

‘What an interesting development!’

‘Let’s finish this beautiful poetry, shall we?’

You shook your head. Mouth opening and closing but with no sound escaping. Your lungs started to burn and you wanted to run away from the hooded figure. But your body betrayed you, not moving an inch.

‘5...4...6...........................1′ 

The environmental noises disappeared, and everything turned black. The shaking stopped and you stood motionless before the stranger. Eyes glazed over and no sign that anyone was occupying your body. 

‘Ohhhhhh how beautiful you are in this state. My favorite doll!’

Softly, raindrops fell from the sky, after which the sky opened up. Your clothes became soaked in seconds, and the ground turned into a mud bath.

‘Soldat, answer my tale’

‘ Я готов отвечить ‘

‘How I’ve longed to hear you speak those words to me once more. Good good. Now, hand me over whatever you were hiding in your hand.’

You obeyed, and handed over the small device to the stranger.

‘Facinating. Absolutely facinating! Could not have constructed it better myself.’ The stranger said with glee. 

‘I know you can hear me....’ His voice breathed into the device. 

‘You tried to destroy my beautiful creation. Corrupt her with your sense for... justice....’

‘Know you have failed. You tried and tried to no avail. She is back where she belongs... home.’

‘And know this.... you will never get her back.’

‘I applaud you for trying, but my creation is too precious to have erased by the likes of you.’

The voice ended with a vile laugh after which the stranger crushed the device. 

‘Now my dear, it is time to go home.’

You stood motionless, awaiting orders in the same way you had done many years ago. Only this time it was different.

Some flashes of your conscious erupted, which caused a searing sentation inside your head. Hissing due to the pain, you pulled attention to your situation.

The stranger had taken off his hood and turned around to look at your complexion.

‘Oh how horrible, are you in pain?’

The rain muffled the sound of the slap which was dealt across your face. 

The pain in your head lessened after which it disappeared completely. The slap on your cheek didn’t hurt, but your skin turned fiery red. You didn’t move and looked straight ahead.

‘They’ve done some work on you. I can see that clear as day. Not to worry my dear. I will fix you up to have you be my completed master piece once more.’

The doctor showed a toothy grin, while he motioned you to follow him towards the big looming building in the distance.

The building was surrounded by high walls and fences. On each corner, snipers were stationed, and throughout the courtyard soldiers walked by with heavy machinery.

Unless you knew a way in, it was impossible to sneak in without being detected.

You walked behind the doctor, while the Hydra soldiers you passed by whispered between one another.

The words monster where thrown around, with the ocassional dirty remark towards you being a woman. Not that is mattered much as you weren’t listening. The only thing on your mind was to follow your creator inside the Hydra base.

It was like you had never left.   

----------

The sound got disconnected and the signal disappeared from the screen. 

Stark stood frozen in place. His heart was beating in his throat and the hairs on his neck stood up.

‘Fuck.’ Was all he was able to bring out.  

Natasha walked over to Stark and grabbed him by his shoulders.

‘Is that all you can say!? Y/N walked right into their trap!’

‘We have to tell Steve that the mission has derailed!’ 

‘We need to take action, NOW!’

Tony shook his head, trying to get his mind focused again. 

‘No... Don’t tell them yet. We need to be well prepared before taking on Hydra. They’re clearly expecting us. We have no intel on what we will find out there. We can’t let the mission escalate any futher.’

‘We’ll tell them when we’re ready. Especially don’t say a word about what we heard before the tracking device got disconnected....’

Natasha stared at Stark, not sure whether he was serious or not.

‘You can’t be serious?! The mission is a bust! We have to rescue Y/N before Hydra wipes the progress we have made! We can’t keep this quiet Tony.... Most definitely not from Barnes!’

Stark pushed Natasha away.

‘I know it’s not right! But.... we cannot give up now! We’re this close to destroying Hydra for good! Do you know how important that is? There’s more at stake than just Y/N!’

Stark huffed in frustration and pushed his hair back. 

‘If we tell Barnes, he’s going to spiral out of control. We cannot risk losing him this early in the mission. He’d become a lose cannon.... Going after her, and having us lose our only change to wipe Hydra off the map once and for all!’

Natasha stood before Tony with a loss for words.

‘CAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF TALK RIGHT NOW?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?’

Natasha’s breathing became heavier due to her anger.

‘We just heard Y/N getting activated by the enemy! She’s a threat now. We cannot keep that a secret! ’ Natasha growled. 

‘And now what? Her life is of no importance to us?! She will become collateral damage? She is activated Tony! End of the line! We need to pull her out!’

‘WE DON’T KNOW THAT!’ Tony shouted with shaking fists.

‘For all we know...... Y/N is just playing along.... We.... We have to trust her.’

Natasha shook her head.

‘It’s far too dangerous to bet on being hopeful Tony. You know better than that!’

‘Being hopeful is all we got...’ Tony said while staring at Natasha with pain filled eyes.

‘Please Nat... Keep it between us for now. Once we’re ready to move out, we’ll inform Cap and Barnes... But not now... Okay?’

Natasha clenched her fists tightly and glared at Tony.

She was about to say something but froze when she stared at the door.

In the door way, an extremely angry looking Bucky was staring at his team members.

‘H....how long have you been standing there?’ Natasha asked while taking a few steps back.

‘Long enough.’ Bucky growled through clenched teeth.

‘W....We didn’t want to hide it from you Barnes... But we didn’t think this was the right time...’ Tony tried to fix the situation they had found themselves in.

Bucky slammed his fist against the wall, which startled both members. 

‘We’re moving out.... NOW!’

Bucky turned around and walked away. Natasha didn’t move a muscle, while Tony felt like his legs had turned to jelly.

‘Any more of your GREAT ideas?’ Natasha spat at Stark.

Tony swallowed a couple times and stared at her.

‘Better get a move on, before we’re the ones getting killed before Y/N does...’

-----------------------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624

@psychadelichues

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky x #bucky barnes x #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #Steve Rodgers #steve rodgers x reader #natasha romanoff #natasha x reader #tony stark #tony stark x reader

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 19

*Warnings: some light swearing, trauma, blood*

Sorry for the delay. I will not be able to post as regularly as before due to work/life, my apologies!

Slightly longer, sorry!

Part 20

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

You felt like you had an out of body experience. Simply floating somewhere between being conscious and asleep. Slowly losing touch with yourself and getting lost in white noise. Were you finally losing your mind for real this time?

Losing track of time, no matter how short, was definitely a bad sign, no matter the situation. It had happened before, years ago when you had just escaped from HQ. You found yourself in a forest, without knowing how you got there. But based on the blood, you knew that is must have been bad.

You never remembered what had happened after that doctor ambushed you. But you could make an educated guess, that you went on a war path when you got activated. 

Not knowing how you ended up in the meeting room should worry you. It’s not like you were hit on the head or anything. So you didn’t understand why you had no recollection of how you got here. 

Bucky was sitting next to you, so your guess was that he had brought you to the meeting room. But why?

Closing your eyes, you tried to remember the missing pieces you struggled to find within your troubled mind. You were talking to Bucky before the procedure.... There was slight panic being emitted of him, with lots of pain that followed.... nothing for a while... and now you find yourself in the meeting room.... 

You frowned and knew that couldn’t be the whole story. Pushing yourself to remember, fragments of memories started to reappear. That’s right... you woke up in the lab... that was... after the procedure, right? No, it has to be, because you were covered in bandages... And...and... You talked to Bucky. You can’t remember about what, as the conversation is muffeled in your recollections of it. 

And then... Oh!... The alarm went off and Bucky dragged you to the meeting room. And... it’s was clear that something was wrong by the way Steve acted. Bucky wasn’t happy about whatever was happening, but didn’t tell you anything... You just followed him inside the room, and sat on the chair you are currently occupying. 

Opening your eyes, you felt slight relief that you were able to remember, in part, what had happened. But why were you not able to recall the past hour? Almost as if it was erased from your memory for a split second. Bucky had done his job well in torturing you to the brink of falling apart, but you hadn’t suffered any injury to your head....

Could it be due to the lack of sleep perhaps? Or was the torture more taxing on your body than you thought it would be? 

A vague stabbing pain erupted in your frontal lobe as you rubbed your forehead. Whatever the reason was, you didn’t feel like yourself.  

‘What’s your t-minus Nat?’

‘I’ll be there in 10. Is Y/N awake yet?’

Steve was quiet for a moment. 

The mission was already set in motion, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it.... even if he wanted to. Steve felt horrible.... like he was deliberately about to push Y/N off a cliff. Cap noticed Bucky’s burning eyes, but didn’t dare looking directly at him. There were enough issues to deal with, so avoiding an agitated Bucky would be for the best.

Bucky stared at Steve while he talked with Natasha over the phone. He was getting angrier by the minute, knowing what was about to be proposed inside the room. He would not let them get on with the mission that easily.....

‘Steve? You still there?’

‘...Yeah...Sorry Nat. Yes... Y/N woke up.’

‘That’s good news at least.... I’ll see you in a bit’. 

Natasha hung up from her side, and Steve crushed the phone in his hand. It was a regular burner phone, so nothing fancy. The team had agreed that, to avoid the tiny possibility of their phones being tracked, they would destroy their burners after each use. 

Steve looked into Y/N’s direction and felt a knot in his stomach. How in the hell were they supposed to drop the news on you, when you’ve just woken up...

Steve stared at the bandages that peaked through your shirt. No matter how strong you were, even you wouldn’t be able to handle any more strain on your body. Not even the healing serum from Stark would help ensure you were back to 100% before the mission would kick off...

Bucky wasn’t able to stay put any longer. He would not just sit back and let them take you from him, putting your life in danger for the ‘’greater good’’. Bucky pushed his chair back to get up and confront Steve, but was held back by your arm, firmly pressing against his chest.

Having regained most of what happened after you woke up, you knew something serious had happened. Everyone around you seemed on edge, and strangely avoided all eye contact with you. Only Bucky would pay you any mind.

You noticed that Bucky was frustrated about something, but you really needed some peace and quiet, instead of more screaming and the potential throwing of chairs. Your head was throbbing and in the far distance you could hear a weird ringing noise. 

From the corner of your eye, you saw Bucky trying to get up from his chair. You just knew that he was ready for another throwdown or argument by the way he huffed. 

Within a milisecond you had your arm pressed against his chest, to stop him from getting out of his chair.

‘Don’t’, you said firmly which was met by the glare of an agitated Bucky. But he quickly calmed down when he saw how serious you were.

‘Something big has happened. No point in adding fuel to the fire...’. Your face was cold and emotionless. A stark constrast compared to your behavior in the lab, and the laughter that followed, which had made Bucky so happy prior.  

Bucky sighed and leaned back into his chair while folding his arms. You might be the most fucked up out of the two ex-Hydra experiments... but you were clearly the one who was the most level headed, given the current situation. You didn’t even know your involvement in the mission, and still you were able to stay calm and focused. No doubt you were a soldier... that’s for sure....

Due to all the commotion, you hadn’t realized that Cap was suited up. You hadn’t seen Steve in his uniform for years, so you had forgotten how ‘’tacky’’ it looked. This only confirmed to you that something serious had happened, and that the Avengers were getting ready for a fight. 

You relaxed your arm when Bucky did as you asked of him, and leaned yourself forward onto the table. Your head was really starting to hurt, and you felt slight nausea creeping up. You didn’t think you would have time to ask for an asperine...

You widened your eyes every so often as your vision was starting to distort. The voices of Stark and Steve talking with one another began to fade into the background, and it felt like your mind was rejecting your body. And that god awful ringing noise was not helping....

Tony started to pace the room while mumbling to himself. Nat said 10 minutes but it felt like an hour to him. ‘Tony, calm down please... you’re making me nervous’, Steve asked while leaning on the table. 

Stark ignored him and kept pacing. The situation had turned dire, and he was unsure whether the plan would work the way they’d hoped. Not only were they out of time, they were also out of options, and everything would fall on Y/N’s uncertain shoulders.... And the worst part was, aside from it being cruel, they had no idea whether the procedure had worked....

Having it being tested out by sending Y/N into the battle field, was NOT what Stark considered ‘’optimal circumstances’’.....

You lay your head on the metal table, hoping that the cold surface would make the pain magically go away, and help you focus. Bucky noticed that you weren’t well and put a hand on your back. 

‘You okay?’, he asked with worry in his voice.

‘Yeah... headache...’, was all you were able to bring out. You didn’t want to worry him more than needed be, but you felt that something wasn’t right. Bucky sighed and started to rub your back softly, trying to be supportive in his own way. 

You looked to your right and made eye contact with Bucky. With difficulty you pushed yourself to say something to make the soldier less worried. ‘If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’ve grown soft....’. Bucky gave you an annoyed glare but grinned afterwards. ‘Only to some...’, he said while continuing his circling motions on your back.

His frustrations put on hold, he fully focused on you instead of the situation which was about to unfold in 10 minutes time. Bucky observed your face while you still had your head laying on the table, facing him. He could see that there was more going on than what you let him in on.

Bucky had stopped rubbing your back and put the back of his right hand against your forhead. It didn’t feel warm to the touch, so you didn’t have a fever, but you definitely didn’t look well to him. 

You pushed Bucky’s hand away and sat back up in your chair. The ringing sound was getting worse and you stared around the room, hoping to anchor onto something to help ground yourself. But it was like you were stuck inside an old tv show, the images around you being distorted by static interference. Your surroundings were starting to glitch out. Your heart rate was increasing and you could feel cold sweat erupting all over your body. What the hell was going on?   

‘Y/N, are you sure you’re okay?’ Bucky whispered while touching your arm. 

You nodded slowly while trying to stay calm. Your complexion was turning white as a sheet, and sweet beads were forming on your forehead. Before Bucky could say more, they heard movement from down the hallway. 

From a distance, the opening and closing of doors could be heard, followed by fastening footsteps. A moment later, the door of the meeting room swung open and Natasha’s face popped around the corner. Her whole body was covered in dirt and dried up blood, and she didn’t look happy what so ever.

Steve walked up to greet her, but she quickly pushed him aside.

‘No time for pleasantries Cap, even though I’m happy to see you all....’ 

She scanned the room and ended on your face. Her eyes shifted, almost as if she felt guilt while looking at you, and quickly turned her attention to the monitor.

‘Tony, did you get the video clip I send you?’

‘Uh yeah.. hang on, I’ll pull it on screen.’ Stark typed away on the keyboard, and a video popped up. 

‘Just play it and you will understand why I called for an emergency meeting...’.

Natasha folded her arms while she sat on the corner of the table. All eyes were glued to the screen while the video played.

You tried your best to focus on the screen, but you were only able to see blurry flashes. Rubbing your eyes, you tried viewing the contents of the video again, to no avail. 

The video the team was looking at, was shot in the middle of nowhere, in an area surrounded by tall mountains, covered with snow and pine trees. The movement of heavily armed soldiers could be seen and a couple of armored trucks drove by. When the video zoomed in, the team could see that big machinery pieces were being hoisted unto the trucks. In the background they saw some army tents and a smaller building, but nothing notable as to the exact location.

When the video ended, Natasha got up from the table and stood in front of the team. She took a deep breath and started to brief them.

‘As you saw from the video, they’ve began moving their operation. Before this, Hydra had not been spotted since I had to lay low. Which worried me, untill I received this video from my informant 2 days ago.’

Steve clenched his jaw while he walked closer to the screen. ‘Are you sure it’s the cell?’

‘Positive. Yesterday, I checked out the camp for myself before I made my way back to the compound... They’ve began preparations for their operation, so we don’t have a lot of time till they hit whatever target they’ve chosen.’

‘Hang on...What do you mean ‘’whatever target’’? I thought you had that all figured out a while ago? That was the whole reason why you reached out to us and called for this meeting.... right!?’

Natasha looked at Tony with an annoyed expression and rested her right hand on her hip. 

‘Yes... that WOULD have been the reason if I hadn’t had to go into hiding when my cover was almost blown. Hydra has become more vigilant when it comes to their operations. Especially after stripes over there helped destroy most of their organisation back in the 40s.’

‘My informant wasn’t able to figure out what their goal was, so I had him pull out after sending the video file to me.’

‘What was the location of this camp?.’ Steve asked.

‘Couple hours drive from here... Which was another reason why I sounded the alarm....’

‘I’m certain that most of their operation is moving back to their base camp. But that doesn’t mean that scouts weren’t send out to canvas the area’.

Steve frowned at stared at the video with worry. 

‘Okay.. so do you have any idea what their motive is Nat?’

Natasha sighed and shook her head. ‘Let me just start with the bad news, and then I’ll give you the good news...’

On the mention of Hydra your whole body had tensed up. No matter how many years you have managed to stay clear of their radar, just the mention of the name made you fearful. 

You pushed yourself away from the table to get up, but you were immediately hit with light headedness. Bucky jumped up from his chair to support you, but you waved him off and leaned on the table top for support. 

‘Hydra...’, you muttered under your breath, which didn’t go unnoticed by Steve.

He looked at you with worry and saw that you didn’t look well. But he also knew that there was no way around it. You had become a key part in the operation he had planned for months, and they couldn’t keep you in the dark for much longer. He wished they had more time to fully prepare you for the mission...

The execution of said mission was still covered in loose ends, and the biggest one of all was explaining your role in it. What initially would be a team mission, had now quickly turned into a solo one...

Natasha’s eyes moved towards your frozen form, and she felt her throat closing up. If she was in your position, being asked to return to the Red Room, she didn’t know how she would take it. But Nat had agreed on the phone with Steve that they had to tell you the truth. If you weren’t willing to cooperate, the whole world would be in danger. But if you said yes.... your life could be ended, if things went wrong...

She took a deep breath and raised her head slightly. It was now or never.

‘Y/N... There is something we need of you...’.

You didn’t register that Natasha was talking to you, while your body started to twitch. Bucky frowned while looking at the way you were acting, and was unsure what was going on with you. He touched your hand but you pulled away from him, which left a stinging sensation inside his heart. 

In the last couple of weeks, you had made vast amounts of progress. Up to the point where you were semi comfortable with Bucky touching you. And to top it all off, he was able to make you laugh! But right now, it seemed like you were turning back into the person he met on that dark street corner, pointing his gun at your head to stop you from running away.

Was he just imagining things, just worried for your well being, and the fucked up mission that was going to be shared with you? Or did he see things clearly, and were you breaking down right in front of him?

Natasha continued talking to Y/N about the mission.   

‘Steve must have told you about the Hydra cell that emerged. We’ve been keeping tab on them for months. They’ve been dormant most of the time, only sending out some troops every once in a while. But in the last couple of weeks, they’ve shown large spikes in movement and activity.’ 

‘I tracked them for most of it, till my cover was almost blown. So I had to lay low for a while. But my informant was able to share this video with me, which confirmed my fear. They’re getting ready to start their operation...attack.. whatever they have planned. And it’s up to us to stop them once and for all.’

Natasha moved closer towards you, hoping that it would make it easier to have you focus on her... and what she was telling you. She understood that you must feel a lot of pressure and fear in the moment, but it was vital that you were able to comprehend what she was telling you.

You didn’t show any indication that you were listening, while sweat dripped off your face. You weren’t able to move your hands properly, and your body seemed to have turned into a furnace. The ringing noise was vibrating through every fiber of your being. 

‘The bad news is... Hydra is looking for you. They’ve never stopped looking for you in the last couple of years. Sometimes finding traces of you but never able to capture you or pin point your location. I don’t know why they’re so fixated on finding you, but I’m guessing they just want their ultimate weapon back.’ 

‘Having proof that their troops are closer to home than I want them to be, we have to move carefully from here on out.’

‘The ‘‘good’‘ news is... while I said that is was bad news, it’s also good news for us. Because they’re looking for you, we have some leverage over them. But only if we make sure that they will not find out about our compound or your connection to us.’

If Hydra was able to locate the compound, the team would not be able to protect Y/N. Let alone stopping Hydra from forcefully taking her with them. Taking down the potential scouts left behind would only alert Hydra to the teams location. Knowing them, they must have build in some sort of tracking device....

Caps eyes widened. Did that mean you would have a tracking device implanted also?! No... that wouldn’t be possible. Otherwise they’d have captured you years ago. Tony also conducted a full examination when you were first brought into HQ, and he never mentioned to have found any sort of tracking device. 

Nat continued.

‘You don’t have to worry Y/N, as we will do everything we can to stop them. But... the problem is that we do not know where their base camp is... If we were to attack the Hydra scouts head on, we’ll definitely overpower them, but we will not be able to figure out their base of operations that way. So... We ..We need your help with that.’

You raised your head and stared at Natasha with cold glazed eyes. The ringing in your head was deafening and the pain was horrible. Natasha moved closer to you and put her hand on your shoulder.

This sudden touch made you grab Natasha by the throat, while pushing her against a wall.

‘Y/N, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ Steve yelled confused, while running over to stop you from choking Nat. 

Cap started pulling on your arm while yelling at you to stop hurting Natasha. You blinked and immediately let go when you realized what you were doing.

Natasha coughed violently while rubbing her sore throat, while Steve looked at you in terror.

Bucky quickly walked up to you to help you calm down. 

‘Y/N... look at me... Do you remember who I am?’

You took one step into Bucky’s direction, wanting to respond to him, when the ringing in your head had reached its climax. You clenched your head between your hands and started to pant. Your mind was being ripped into pieces and you had no control over it what so ever. 

A scream erupted from your throat while you fell to your knees. Not knowing what to do, Bucky tried the best he could to comfort you, but your screaming tore a hole through his gut. Jarvis interupted with a worrying update.

‘Sir, I detect an unknown sound frequency being emitted 50 kilometers from our location. It seems that Miss Y/N is being impacted by this frequency.’

‘How far of a walking distance is the source Jarvis?’

‘Estimated 13 to 15 hours on foot Sir. By car it could be less than an hour.’

‘Can you pull up a satilite image of a 50 kilometer radius, and scan for any vehicles in proximity to the frequency source?’

‘Yes Sir, one moment’.

Jarvis pulled up an image of the area, and there was a dot shown on the map.

‘There are no visible vehicles present in proximity to the source, Sir.’

Tony shared a glance with Steve, and they both knew it was game time. 

‘Cap... It has to be the Hydra scouts. Based on Natasha’s intel and the satilite image, they’re on foot, which gives us approximately 12 hours to make a decision....’

Steve was frozen in place. He knew they were out of time, but he didn’t think that Hydra was that close to the compound. Or that the mission would kick off that soon. He thought they’d at least have a couple of days to prepare your for the mission.... He wasn’t easily scared, but right now he felt terrified of the prospect of losing Y/N to the enemy. 

Bucky was able to stay calm and kneeled down in front of you. ‘Y/N... Tell me what I can do for you’. 

‘M..Make it ...stop’, you pleaded through the pain.

‘It hurts.... IT HURTS...!’

Bucky’s eyes widened, as you had never said before that you were truly in pain. Not even when he tortured you did you pleaded for him to stop. So, whatever this frequency was, it must be unbearable for you. 

He looked up and growled at Steve. ‘DON’T JUST STAND THERE....WE NEED  TO SHIELD HER FROM THAT FUCKING FREQUENCY!’

Steve was snapped out of his daze and turned to Stark.

‘Tony...do you think we can stop the frequency from reaching Y/N if we put her in a sound proof room?’

Tony frowned. ‘Perhaps, but it will not help for long if they get closer to the compound’. 

‘A couple minutes is all we need. Try to block the frequency from entering the compound while we bring Y/N to safety!’ Steve said while running over to Y/N.

Stark nodded and ran towards the lab to interupt the dangerous and unknown frequency.

‘Y/N, don’t worry, we’re going to help you.’ Steve said while trying to help you up. But you growled at him and started to kick in his direction. Clearly, you did not trust him enough in this moment. 

You started to roll on the floor while screaming from the top of your lungs. 

‘Buck... grab her and follow me, QUICKLY’.

Bucky took you into his arms but struggled to get up, because you were squirming too much. He had to lock you against his chest to stop you from potentially falling onto the floor. 

‘HURRY!’ Steve shouted from the doorway, as Bucky ran behind him.

‘End of the hallway, left. There is a room where we can lay her down.’ Bucky followed Steve and went straight to the room pointed out by Cap.

Inside the room, the walls were patted and there was a bed against one of them. Bucky walked over and lay you down on the bed. Your muscles were contracting and he could see in how much pain you were. Steve quickly closed the door behind him, and after a couple seconds you seemed to calm down. The ringing noise and pain disappeared, and you were left panting heavily to catch your breath. 

‘WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?’ Bucky yelled while looking into Steve’s direction.

‘Anything else you are not telling us?! You sure are great at keeping secrets! Why the FUCK is Hydra close to the compound?! Do those bastards know Y/N is close by?!’

Bucky’s chest was heaving from anger while he glared at his friend. 

‘I.. I don’t know Buck, but we don’t have time to start another argument.’ 

‘FUCK THAT! DON’T LIE TO ME!’

‘I SAID I DON’T KNOW BUCK! I DON’T KNOW WHY THE SCOUTS ARE THIS CLOSE TO OUR LOCATION, OR WHAT THAT FREQUENCY IS DOING TO Y/N. Please... Please can we just focus on finding a solution?’

Bucky clenched his fists, but was stopped from continuing the argument when he heard you couching violently. 

Steve walked up to the bed and kneeled beside it.

‘Y/N.... Y/N.. can you hear me?’

You opened your eyes and looked at Steve. ‘Y...yeah.’ You panted while trying to sit up. Steve helped you up and held onto your hand.

‘I know we have our history, which didn’t end well.... But please believe me when I say that I’ve got your back no matter what.’ His eyes showed earnesty, but you didn’t buy it.

You pulled your hand back and scoffed. ‘Doesn’t mean I trust you...’. You said while wiping away some of the blood you had coughed up, from the corner of your mouth. 

Bucky stared at Steve with bewilderment across his face.

‘What the fuck do you mean ‘‘history that didn’t end well’‘? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!’

Steve sighed and looked Bucky straight in the eyes. ‘ Now is really not the time Buck...’

‘MAKE TIME’! Bucky yelled back. 

‘YOU’RE THE ONE THAT PUSHED THIS ON US. YOU’RE THE ONE THAT GREEN LIGHTED THIS WHOLE FUCKING PLAN.’

‘SO YOU BETTER STOP HIDDING ANYTHING FROM ME. UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE IN THIS ROOM, RIGHT NOW!’

Sighing again, Cap looked at Y/N, hoping that she would tell Bucky to back off.

You got on your feet and wiped some of the sweat from your brow. This day had gone right down the drain. And now to add insult to injury, you would be reminded of Steve’s betrayal in more detail than you wish to remember.

You didn’t see the point in having this story shared with Bucky, but knowing him, there was no way that he would back down before hearing the truth of that day...

You walked over to the wall opposite of Steve and leaned against it.

‘Might as well’. You muttered.

 A few drops of sweat rolled down Caps temple as he stared at the two soldiers. 

‘Guys, we don’t have a lot of time until Hydra gets here. Can we please focus on the mission?’

‘Talk... or I swear I’ll kill you’.  Bucky growled as he took a step towards Steve.

Steve felt fear spread through his body, knowing full well that Bucky was dead serious. 

With no other option than to tell what happened at HQ, Cap decided to share one of the moments he regretted most. 

‘Last time Y/N was here.... Well... not here. I mean when we brought her to HQ.... She spend some time with us. We did some tests, trying to find out what made her tick, and to see if we could help her. This was around the time where you were MIA Buck, so my mind was split between looking for you, and looking after Y/N...’

‘We were starting to make some real progress. We had long conversations about the future, and where she could potentially fit in with SHIELD. I’d like to believe we started to become friends.’

Steve paused for a moment to look at you, but was met with cold eyes. He cleared his troat and continued the story. 

‘Y/N.... She...she told me the evening before an experiment, that she had seen a Hydra doctor in HQ. You must understand that that sounded insane to me... at the time... So when she told me, I didn’t believe her....’

‘The following morning, I took Y/N to Starks lab, as we were getting ready to conduct the experiment. Nothing harmful! Just an pychological experiment to determine her mental state. At the time we did not know how to handle the Winter Soldier program, as we had no experience with it. It was only after we got you back, and Shuri helped you, that we gained insights into fixing the program.’

‘In the lab.... during the experiment..’. Steve folded his arms and looked at the floor in shame.

‘We got ambushed by a Hydra doctor, and.... he actived Y/N. A big fight broke out and ... we lost track of Y/N in the process. Not a day has gone by where I didn’t regret my delusion of thinking we knew better. I not only lost good men that day, I also lost the trust Y/N had instilled in me....’

You frowned when Steve finished the story. You had always remembered how Steve betrayed you that day. Confirming to yourself that once again, no one could be trusted... not even the Avengers. But.... you didn’t think Steve was still that bothered by what had happened. 

‘YOU DID WHAT?!’ Bucky’s anger got the better of him as he was about to punch his friend in the face. But you quickly jumped in between the two men and pushed Bucky back.

‘Leave it’. You growled, which surprised Bucky.

‘Leave it? He fucking betrayed you and almost caused you to get caught by Hydra! How can you be so calm about it?!’ Bucky didn’t want to shout at you, but you made it very hard for him to abide to it.

‘There is no point arguing over it... Was a long time ago, and I don’t need someone else fighting my battles for me...’

Bucky froze for a moment and felt embarrassment creeping up. He had grown overly protective of you, and didn’t realize that he might have overstepped a boundry here.

Bucky lowered his head and relaxed his arms. ‘Sorry...’. He whispered while giving you an apologetic stare.

‘Are you okay now though?’ You looked at Bucky and nodded.

There must have been a reason why you never shared this story with him. Perhaps the betrayal of Steve not trusting you had done more harm than you liked to admit? After all, you saw yourself as a machine and not a human being capable of emotions..... 

Either way, he couldn’t blame you for not telling him. But Steve on the other hand....

‘So what? You just decided NOT to tell me about this?’

Steve shook his head. ‘It’s not like that Buck. Trust me, I would have told you a long time ago. But at the time we did not think it was wise to inform you about another potential Winter Soldier.’

‘You have to remember that you were in a bad place when we found you. Your mind was broken and you had no grasp of reality. How can you expect me to add salt to your wounds by telling you all this?’

Bucky wanted to object, but stopped himself from saying anything. Again, his best friend was not wrong. He didn’t trust himself enough to walk free, so when he went to Wakanda, he asked Shuri to put him on ice. This to protect himself and everyone around him.

Would Steve have shared these insights with him then.... Bucky didn’t know whether he would believe him to begin with. And it wouldn’t have done him any good....

Bucky walked up to the patted wall and started punching it a couple times. Having released part of the frustration racing through his veins, he turned around. 

‘Fine... But I swear... If you hide anything else from me..’

‘I’m not Buck... promise!’ Steve held up his hands while showing regret on his face. This was not how he wanted to tell Bucky about your prior visit, but deep down he was glad that it was finally out in the open. 

Having heard enough, you spoke up.

‘How long do I have?’ You asked in a calm tone, while turning your attention to Steve.

‘We have 12 hours before the scouts get dangerously close to the compound. If they move any closer to the compound, this room might not be able to protect your against that weird frequency Jarvis picked up on.’

‘So... a couple hours...’

Steve nodded. ‘Give or take.. yes.’

You turned around and folded your arms. 

‘And what is it that Natasha failed to tell me? Before my head went through a blender... The needing help part?’

Bucky’s jaw tensed and he clenched his fists. He didn’t want you being involvement with the mission, let alone have you hear about it. He walked over to you and put his hand on your shoulder, but you moved your shoulder to remove his touch. 

Steve swallowed a couple times and straightened his back. 

‘It’s about your involvement in the mission.... As Nat said.. We don’t know where the cell’s base of operations is. Without that location we will not be able to stop them from initiating their attack. And we also need to find out what their target is...’  

You dropped your arms beside you and stared right at Steve.

‘You want me to return to the cell, and give you the info you need.’ Your voice was cold and direct, which made a shiver run down Caps back. 

He knew you were clever, but he didn’t think you were able to figure out what your task would be from the information shared.

Steve sighed...’Yes... We need you to infiltrate the Hydra cell and convey the information back to us, so we can stop them from attacking their target.’

‘Please know that if there was any other way, we’d take it. But the world is at risk of being destroyed by Hydra, and we cannot let that happen...’

You showed no emotion on your face while you turned your back to Steve. ‘The world....has been nothing but cruel and unforgiven. And now you want me to risk everything to save it?’

Steve dropped his head, knowing that this was a lot to ask of you. But they had no one else to turn to. Bucky has been out of the ‘’Hydra business’’ for too long to have them be fooled by him. If Bucky was to go to the cell, they would eliminate him without question, knowing that he is part of the Avengers. Most likely they also knew that he had been ‘’fixed’’ from their brainwashing. 

But you on the other hand were the wild card. Hydra still held onto the hope that they would be able to salvage you.... if they were able to find you....

You opened and closed both of your hands to check whether the prosthetics worked properly. You did the same with your leg, and were certain that no damage had been done to any of your prosthetics.

Bucky observed what you were doing and grabbed your arm tightly. ‘Your not going!’ He growled while fear showed in his eyes.

You looked up at him with cold eyes and janked your arm free from his grip. ‘You can’t tell me what to do’. You said with an iced tone and turned towards Steve.

‘Are you ready to accept the concequences of your decision?’

Steve stared at you in disbelieve and clenched his jaw. Of course he wasn’t ready, as there were too many questions marks surrounding this mission. They hadn’t tested the outcome of the procedure, nor were they certain that Hydra would welcome you with open arms without suspecting foul play.

‘Yes or no?’

‘......Y....Yes’. 

‘I’ll leave the compound in 1 hour.’

Jarvis’s voice chimed throught the room, stating that Stark had managed the block the frequency. So it was ‘’safe’’ for Y/N to exist the room.

Steve stared at you in amazement and wanted to say something, but Bucky jumped in.

‘I SAID YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!’ He made himself as big as possible to stop you from walking out of the room. 

You walked up to the soldier and put your hand on his chest. 

‘I knew that my life would be nothing more than hell. And I accepted that. But I want to thank you for showing me that there is more than terror to be found in this world.’

Bucky was with a loss for words and stared at you. It felt like you were saying your farewell to him, which he didn’t want to accept. His heart was aching and his throat was closing up. He didn’t want to lose you again, not like this. 

‘Steve, I am not certain whether the sequence has been broken fully. And I have no idea what this frequency can make me do if I am exposed to it for a longer period of time... There is definitely something left within my wiring. So be prepared to have a plan B, in case I am not able to relay the information back to you.’

Cap was taken aback by how calm you were in this situation. He had told you that you would have to go back to the organization that destroyed your life, and you acted like it was the most natural thing to do. He didn’t see any fear or uncertainty in your eyes, which scared him. Were you really ready and prepared for the task at hand, or were you simply going to throw away your life?

‘You got that?’

Steve jumped for a moment and nodded afterwards. ‘Yes..’

Bucky shook his head in denial. He grabbed your arm once more, trying to stop you from going on this seemingly suicidal mission, but you removed his hand from your arm.

You turned around to face him one more time and nodded. 

With this, you opened the door and made your way back to your room to prepare. 

Bucky fell to his knees and started to hit the floor with his fists. Steve’s heart broke into pieces when he saw the anguish on his friends face. 

‘Buck...I... I’m so sorry... Please... we’ll do everything we can to protect her... And we will get her back.. I promise!’

Bucky looked up at Steve with hatred. ‘If anything happens to Y/N, I will never forgive you for it!’ He growled while getting back on his feet. 

‘It will not come to that Buck, trust me! We will get her back from Hydra and destroy their organization once and for all!’

Bucky didn’t respond to Steve and walked out of the room, wanting to spend these final moments with you the best he could.

Steve grabbed his arm and breathed heavily. He was on the verge of tears. How could he have fucked it up this badly? 

It was supossed to be a simple recon mission, and Y/N would only be there for support purposes. But now, the whole mission was riding on her ability to take control of her mind.

Starting to get overwhelmed by the idea of being the one sending Y/N to her grave, an idea popped in his mind. 

‘Maybe it’ll work?’ he muttered to himself.

As quickly as he could, Steve ran back to the meeting room to talk to Natasha. She was about to walk out of the room when Steve ran in and grabbed her by the arm.

‘Nat.... I need your help with something.’

----

You walked over to the closet to grab some of your tactical gear. In the last couple of weeks, you started collecting bits and pieces you knew would come in handy. As Steve had confiscated your old backpack when they brought you in, you never thought of asking for it back.

Not that it mattered all that much. The gear you had in your backpack was mostly broken anyway....

You hissed when you tried taking off your shirt. The wound on your stomach sure hurt like a motherfucker, but that wouldn’t stop you from preparing for the mission. Some would say you had lost your mind, as you didn’t put up a fight when you figured out you had to return to your worst nightmare, Hydra. 

It wasn’t like you were looking forward to it, but... It was hard to explain to people why you so easily agreed to the dangerous mission. You wouldn’t be able to tell them that you were made to fight. Molted to be the ultimate killing machine, who wouldn’t step down from a mission, no matter the cost. Bucky had made you rethink certain aspects of your life, but you frankly believed it was too late to change. You were a killer, and there wasn’t enough time left in your sad life for this to change. 

Maybe the mission would fail. Hydra could easily kill you on the spot, thinking that you were now a part of the Avengers. Or who knows? They might trigger your sequence and you’ll be back to where you started. Either way.. you had made peace with the fact that you would not return from this mission...  

You continued grabbing pieces of clothing and equipment from the closet, and put them inside your new backpack. Courtesy of Bucky, who had bought you a new one in secret. 

Putting on a new long sleeve black t-shirt, you unbuckled your pants and replaced them for black cargo trousers, and to finish off the look, black combat boots. 

Lacing your boots, you could hear knocking on the door. You knew it was Bucky, trying to change your mind. But it would fall on death mans ears. Your mind was made up, and not even Bucky would be able to stop you.

‘It’s open’, you responded, and Bucky opened the door. He saw that you were getting ready to leave, and he slammed the door shut. It didn’t startle you one bit and you finished up packing. 

‘You’re serious.... aren’t you?’ Bucky asked while walking towards you.

You didn’t reply and zipped your backpack shut. 

‘So that’s it then? After everything we’ve gone through, you’re just throwing me aside? Like some sort of fucking tool?’

Bucky’s voice was low and it was clear that he was in pain. You didn’t look him in the eyes, as you knew that it could affect your determination.

‘There’s nothing more to say. I’m leaving in a bit so say your piece and leave’.

You could hear Bucky’s breathing becoming heavier. It was clear that he tried to keep his anger in.  

‘Say my piece and leave? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!’

This made you look up, as you didn’t expect Bucky to use that kind of language towards you. 

‘Come again?’

‘YOU FUCKING HEARD ME! YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST WALK INTO MY LIFE, AND THEN WHAT?! RUN OFF ON YOUR LITTLE SUICIDE MISSION AND I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT?’

You stood frozen for a moment as you let Bucky’s words wash over you. Was he seriously going to start an argument when you had only a small window to prepare? 

‘I don’t have time for this’. You said while swinging the backpack over your shoulders. 

‘I’M NOT GOING TO LET YOU LEAVE WITHOUT YOU BEING HONEST WITH ME!’

You frowned at Bucky, getting annoyed by his persistence.

‘What do you want me to say Buck?’

‘ANYTHING, OTHER THAN THE BULLSHIT YOU HAVE SAID SO FAR. SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE FOR YOUR LIFE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!’

You dropped your backpack on the ground and started to lose patience. 

‘And what is that exactly? That I don’t WANT to go. That I’m TERRIFIED?’

You clenched your fist while glaring at Bucky.

‘IF THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL THEN YES! DON’T LIE TO ME! DON’T ACT LIKE YOU’RE THAT EMOTIONLESS KILLING MACHINE I MET THAT NIGHT! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT!’

Losing yourself in frustration, you walked up to Bucky and started to hit his chest.

‘WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS SO COMPLICATED. JUST LET ME GO AND DON’T CONCERN YOURSELF WITH MY WELLBEING!’

Bucky didn’t stop you from hitting him, and looked down into your eyes. He could see how conflicted you felt, but I needed to hear you say it. That you saw yourself as more than just a pawn. That you wouldn’t throw your life away because you didn’t believe you deserved it to begin with.

He grabbed your wrists and made you look at him. No longer raising his voice, his tone was above a whisper. 

‘Because I care for you....deeply.’

You stopped struggling to free your arms and stared at Bucky, not sure what he was talking about.

‘Care?’ Was all you were able to respond with.

Bucky showed a toothy grin, knowing this must be confusing to you. He pulled you against him and put his arms around you.

‘You’ve made me happier than I’ve felt in a long time. So there is no way that I’m going to lose you. I already lost you once before, but this time I’m strong enough to protect you.’

Having completely given up on resisting, you pushed your forhead against Bucky’s chest. 

‘I’m..... I’m scared Bucky....’ This was hard for you to say, but you knew that with Bucky you could lower your walls slightly.

Bucky sighed, but was happy that you were being honest with him.

‘I know you are. So am I. But you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I’m not talking about physical strength... I’m talking about your mental capabilities.’

You pushed yourself slightly backwards so you could show Bucky your confused expression.

Bucky grinned. ‘After everything you’ve gone through, after all Hydra as done to destroy you... You’re still you... deep down. I’ve seen it, and I know that with time you will feel more at ease in your own skin.’

He pulled you back against him and hugged you tightly. 

‘That is why Y/N, I don’t want you to throw your life away like this. I want you to fight for what is rightfully yours. Not for me, or anyone else.... but for yourself. I want you to fight for your freedom, and not give up on it because you think you have to. Or because you don’t believe you have the right to live your life as you choose to.’

Bucky stopped talking and kept you in his loving embrace. You closed your eyes and let his words sink in. 

That’s what he meant when he said he cared for you. Bucky understood you better than anyone else. It was like he could read your mind at times, which scared you. But you realized in that moment that you weren’t alone in this world after all. 

Bucky would be there for you no matter what. And you started to believe his words more and more. 

‘My freedom’. You whispered. 

You pushed yourself away from Bucky and he let go of you. 

‘What if Hydra retakes control over me?’

Bucky’s face grew serious. He couldn’t blame you for asking this specific question. After all, they had no idea if the procedure was a success. And testing it out by sending you into the lions den was not exactly ideal.

But deep down, Bucky just knew you would be okay. That you wouldn’t let Hydra control you again. You were stronger than people gave you credit for. He honestly believed that you were mentally stronger than he was currently. 

Bucky shook his head and put his hand on your shoulder. 

‘Not going to happen. Because we’re going to kill every last one of those fuckers.’

You stared at Bucky and nodded. While you appreciated the support, it didn’t answer the question. What if you we’re within Hydra’s control again?

You moved closer to Bucky and put your lips next to his ear. This sudden personal invasion made him shiver, but he held his ground. 

‘If you aren’t able to stop me from turning back into a killing machine, you’ll shoot me between my eyes. Promise me’. You whispered in his ear, which made Bucky’s eyes grow wide.

You moved your head back to look Bucky in the eyes. ‘Promise me’. You said firmly while removing your hand from his chest.

‘N...NO. I’m not going to kill you and you WILL NOT TURN BACK INTO THEIR PLAY THING! I PROMISED THAT I’D SAVE YOU FROM HYDRA, AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M GOING TO DO!’ Bucky yelled while he started to breath heavily.

You showed the first sign of your ‘’new’’ self after your fleeting chat when you woke up, and grinned at Bucky. 

‘I hope you do...’ You responded while moving past Bucky’s frozen form.

‘I’m going to report to Steve that I’m ready to move out’.

‘Till we meet again, James.’

Bucky’s mouth grew dry while he watched you walk out of the room. 

He had to trust you, but worry started to creep in due to the way you said goodbye. Was it just your way of saying that you will return to him? Or was this you saying your final farewell to him?

------

‘What the hell are you talking about Steve?’

Steve looked anxious while he paced the meeting room.

‘You remember when you told me about the Widow program? That they used some sort of chemical to keep you under their control?

‘.....Yes.... But what does that have to do with Y/N?’

Steve stopped his pacing and looked at Natasha.

‘Well.... It doesn’t have a direct correlation to Y/N... But it did make me think of something you can help with.’

Natasha folder her arms and frowned at Cap. Whenever he had some crazy idea in his head, he forgot that people were not able to read his mind. So he would have to stay his plan OUT LOUD for people to understand what he was talking about.....

Natasha sighed.

‘Can you enlighten me to what the hell you’re talking about?’

Steve raised his eyebrows and realized that he had been rattling on, without actually telling Nat what he needed from her.

‘Sorry Nat.... Um... You know those noise canceling implants you found a while ago. You said they were helpful during your mission to dismantel a sonic pulse bomb..thing...?’

‘Yes.... But I still don’t get h.....oooooooh.’ Natasha smilled at Cap.

‘Say no more. I’ll get what you need.’

Steve smiled warmly. ‘Thanks Nat’.

Natasha walked out of the room, and Y/N walked in.

Cap’s smile dropped when he say that you were fully dressed for the mission at hand.

‘Mission report’, you said sternly while walking over to the monitor screen.

Steve didn’t even have the time to talk to you as you hijacked the conversation.

‘Jarvis, show me the last known location of the source of the frequency transmission.’

‘Yes miss Y/N, one moment please’.

The image distorted slightly, after which a dot was showing on the map.

‘Last know location is 46 kilometers from the compound, 1 hour ago’.

You nodded and turned around.

‘I will leave now and intercept the scouts halfway. I will let them find me and bring me back to the Hydra base. Once I’m there I will try to hack into their radio transmitter and send out a signal. Jarvis, you will have to make sure you intercept it, as I will not be able to send more than one or two transmissions, before they catch on to me.’

‘Certainly Miss Y/N’

‘Make sure you are geared up for the fight of the century....Cap. As they will not go down without blood being spilled on either side.’

With that you turned around, ready to walk out of the room, but Steve stopped you.

‘Wait! I don’t want to send you out without some backup.’

‘I either go in alone or we lose the fight. That’s the plan right?’

Steve shook his head. ‘I know the plan, and yes... that’s what has to be done. But going in alone doesn’t mean we can’t support you from a distance...’

You folded your arms and stared at Steve coldly.

‘If you can just wait a couple minutes, we will give you some equipment that will help you stay safe.’

‘They’ll scan me for any wires or equipment which is foreign to my prior design. These new prosthetics will already arouse suspicion. No point in given me something I won’t be able to keep with me.’

Steve nodded. ‘Yes, I know... But this small addition will be sure to be overlooked.’

You frowned and was about to just walk out of the room, tired of Steve’s games, but Natasha re-entered the room.

‘Got what you asked for Cap.’ She said while throwing Steve a small case.

‘Thanks Nat’, Steve said with a smile and motioned you to come closer.

You looked at the case and was wondering what was in it. But you didn’t trust Steve enough to simply give in to anything he was going to hand to you.

You took a step back, not trusting the contents of the box, but you were stopped by bumping into a sturdy chest. You looked behind you and it was Bucky, giving you a supportive nod to let you know it was okay.

‘Natasha briefed me in the hallway of the contents of the case. You can trust them’.

You turned you head back to Steve and the case, and took a step forward.

‘What is in the case?’ You asked with reluctance.

Steve opened the case, and a small metal circle, fabricated from twisted wire was sitting in it.

‘A.....wire.’ You said in a monotone.

Steve nodded. ‘Not just a wire. This here is a interceptor. As canceling mechanism if you like. With this, Hydra’s unknown frequency transmission will have no effect on you.’

Your right eyebrow slightly quirked, but you immediately went back to a stone cold exterior.

‘With a couple of small tweaks by Tony, this device will become invisible for anyone to find. But it will allow you to stay safe’.

‘If you can just hold on for 30 minutes or so, Stark will install the device, and then we’ll escort you to the drop off point.... okay?’

Steve looked at you with pleading eyes. He wanted to keep you safe the best he could. And with this device, you would have a higher chance of keeping your wits about you once you entered enemy territory.

You turned around to look at Bucky, almost to ask him if he thought this was a good idea. Bucky’s eyes met yours and he nodded.

‘Fine....’ You said while walking up to Steve.

‘But after this I’m leaving’.

Steve sighed and nodded. ‘And we’ll be there to support you from a distance, till we know where the base is and it’s layout. After that we will bust you out and take out every last one of them.’

‘Better think of a plan B.’ You whispered again to Steve after turning around and walking out of the room.

Steve sighed and watched as you walked out. He wasn’t sure how well the device would perform, but it was better than sending you out without any safety measures.

‘Nat, please bring the case to Stark and take Y/N with you. He’ll know what to do once he sees the contents.’

Natasha nodded and followed you out the meeting room. 

Steve was now left alone with Bucky beside him.

‘I’m...truly sorry Buck. I much rather go in her stead, but there is no chance I’ll be able to trick Hydra in taking me hostage...’

Bucky kept quiet. He loved and hated his best friend at the same time. He was angry that Steve had pulled Y/N into this mess, and that he was not able to join her in confronting Hydra. But he also felt sorry for Steve, as he could see how this mission was impacting him. It definitely didn’t seem like Steve had slept much these days, and the worry in his eyes said it all.

While he really wanted to scream, Bucky knew that him acting out would not help anyone... especially you.

Bucky put his hand on Caps shoulder and squished softly.

‘Till the end of the line’. He said before walking out of the room.

Steve sighed and showed a small slither of a smile. He didn’t know how he deserved a friend like Buck, but right now, he couldn’t imagine not having his friend by his side. 

Cap clenched his fists tightly. No matter what, he would do whatever it takes to bring Y/N back, safe and sound. Because after everything that has happened, Bucky deserved happiness more than anyone... 

------

After 30 minutes, Stark was done with cleaning up the wire device, and discretely merged it with your lower right arm.

‘No one will be able to find the device, so don’t worry about it. Just make sure you don’t pull attention to it.’

You nodded and jumped of the table.

‘I’ll take you to the drop off point.’ Natasha said while throwing your backpack over her shoulder.

‘I can carry it myself’. You said coldly.

‘I know you do, but you don’t have to do everything yourself. I know you’ve had your ups and downs with a majority of the guys here.... And to be honest, I don’t blame you for hating their guts...’ Natasha rolled her eyes.

‘But as the only other woman here, know that they mean well... Whatever happens, we’ve got your back. I know how unsettling it is to be forced to confront a part of your past... A part you much rather forget about...’

‘But know that you are strong, and that those bastards will be sorry for every crossing paths with you.’

You stared at Natasha with confusion. But from her eyes, you could see that she was speaking from experience. You had no idea what Natasha had gone through, but from her tone and words alone, you sensed that she understood what you were going through.

You nodded and continued following her down the corridor. Taking a deep breath, you said your quiet thanks for being allowed to enjoy life a little in these past couple of weeks.

Whatever fate would have in store for you, you wouldn’t let it hold you back from doing what had to be done. Destroying Hydra. 

-------------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624

@psychadelichues​

#bucky fanfic #Bucky Barnes #bucky x #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #Steve Rodgers #steve x reader #tony stark #tony stark x reader #natasha romanoff #natasha x reader

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Masterlist

As requested by @bananapipedreams, here is a masterlist of all the Fearful chapters so far. And to all that have been reading the story up to this point, thank you :) I will add onto this master list when I’ve written more chapters!

--------------------

Bucky x Reader, Steve x Reader, Tony x Reader, Natasha x Reader

Warnings: some light swearing, talk of torture, description of torture, trauma, blood/injuries*

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

--------------------

You are an ex-Hydra experiment who’s been in hiding for years. One night, you get found by Steve, Natasha and Bucky, and against your will, taken back to their compound. As time passes, unknowingly to you, you start to build a bond with the only other Hydra experiment left alive. Only, you don’t know Bucky, the fact that he is an ex-Hydra experiment also, or your shared history. Nor do you understand what it means to have emotions, and therefore to be human. Having been tortured into becoming a emotionless killing machine, are you able to ever be more than that? 

--------------------

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19 

Chapter 20

Chapter 21 [NEW]

Chapter 22 [COMING SOON]

#Bucky Barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky #bucky x #bucky barnes x #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #Steve Rodgers #steve rodgers x reader #tony stark #tony stark x reader #black widow #black widow x reader #masterlist

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 18

*Warnings: some light swearing, talk of torture, blood*

Sorry for the delay, Slightly longer, sorry!

Part 19

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

‘You okay Buck?’

Steve sat down on the bar stool next to Bucky in the ‘’lounge’’ room. Tony wanted to have a space in the compound where they could unwind, even if they wouldn’t be using it much. And the number one item on his list was to have a bar added. 

‘’It’s the principle of being able to offer a drink when need be, Cap’’, Tony had said while coming up with a design for the bar counter. 

Steve thought it was ridiculous, and a waste of resources at first, but he was starting to get attached to that dingy bar. In the last couple of months, he has had some great conversations at it, and he secretly enjoyed the tiny piece of normality it brought. 

More often than not, he would find himself sitting at the bar, holding onto a glass of whiskey and being lost in thought. The liquor didn’t do much as his metabolism burned the alcohol faster than it could impact his body, but it helped Steve with calming down his racing mind. 

For a moment, he could forget about the pressure and responsibilities resting on his shoulders, and just imagine that he was back at that little bar in Brooklyn he and Bucky would visit regularly.   

Bucky hadn’t said a word after Steve joined him at the bar, and clenched his glass of whiskey tighter. Steve nudged his friend for a response, but Bucky simply swayed sideways, and ignored Caps attempt to have a conversation with him. 

Steve sighed. ‘Buck....I know you don’t feel like talking... But I could really use some answers right now.’

Bucky glanced at Steve from the corner of his eyes, but stayed quiet. His face was draped in sorrow and concern. 

He knew what Steve wanted to talk about, but he didn’t feel like talking, even if it was with Cap. Bucky’s whole body was on edge, and he knew that it could only go south if he was pushed into a corner. 

‘I’ll talk and you listen, okay? You are free to add to the conversation whenever you feel up to it’. 

Steve returned to his stool after pouring himself a glass of whiskey, and hold onto the glass while staring ahead of him. He didn’t want to come of as hostile right off the bat, but what had happened in the lab....it made him extremely fearful. Not of Bucky necesarily, but of what he was capable of doing to another human being.

Bucky mentioned that it MIGHT become a bit gruesome when he had to inflict pain on Y/N....but a ‘’bit gruesome’’ is not the same as full on torture! Steve glanced sideways to check on Bucky, and saw how affected he was still by the whole ordeal. 

When the procedure was finished, Bucky had unlocked the office door via the monitor screen, and had walked to the door on shaking legs. 

The moment he realized that Y/N was breathing and therefore alive, his legs had given way and he just lay on the floor breaking down. Steve had to lift Bucky from the floor and hoist him over his shoulder to get him out of the entrace way, so they could enter. 

When Stark and Steve ran back into the room to get you on a stretcher, they broke out in cold sweat. They had no idea how you were still alive after the damage Bucky had inflicted on your body. There was so much blood splattered across the floor, that Steve was convinced you’d bleed out at any moment.

Carefully, they lay you on the stretcher and pushed you back into the lab. Tony quickly reconnected you to the ECG machine and grabbed as much medical supplies as he could carry. The wounds on your body were severe, and he knew they had to act fast or they would lose you. 

Both men were covered in Y/N’s blood, but even then, Cap was able to stay cool headed. He walked over to Bucky and kneeled down in front of him. Bucky’s hands were shaking and covered in blood. There was also blood on his shirt and specks on his face, which stood out against his ash like complexion. 

Bucky sat in a daze on the couch and didn’t respond at first. But when Stark pushed down on the gash across Y/N’s stomach, which caused her to cough up blood and groan in pain, he was snapped out of it. 

Steve jumped up and ran over to the stretcher to help Tony, struggling to control the blood flow that was pouring out of Y/N’s wound. 

Bucky looked at Y/N’s face with fear in his eyes, and in what seemed like a second, he had bolted out of the lab. Steve wanted to run after his friend, but Stark begged him to hold you down against the stretcher, because he had to stitch the gash quickly.

Steve’s mind started to race as to what Bucky was going to do in his current mental state, while he pushed Y/N against the stretcher. 

When the wound was closed up, which was the most life threatening injury of them all, Steve asked Tony whether you were out of danger. To which he replied ‘’probably’’. That was enough for Cap to turn around and bolt after Bucky. 

Stark yelled after him, but Cap was already out of the lab before the words for help could reach his ears. 

He was worried Bucky would do something stupid and needed to make sure he was okay. Which left Tony all by himself, while he tried to patch you up the best he could. Luckily, Jarvis was there to assist from a vital readings point of view, but it frustrated Stark that Cap just left him behind like that. 

And that’s how Steve ended up finding Bucky, in the dark, at the bar in the lounge room..... Still covered in Y/N’s blood and not a word exchanged since. 

Steve cleared his throat and decided that he had to tell Bucky the truth about how he really felt. And more importantly, the way in which Bucky had handled the procedure. He needed answers from his friend. 

‘You came to us to ask for help. Which you knew will always be met with a yes, no matter what... You talked us through the plan and requirements. Ayo was on board and helped us acquire the tools needed to aid you....’

Steve sounded cold and distraught. He didn’t want to get angry at Bucky, but he felt close to snapping. Bucky on the other hand sat frozen in place, and listened to his friend throwing everything out in the open. 

‘You said that you would have to hurt Y/N in order to make the procedure work. Ayo send the report to back up this claim. While both Tony and myself didn’t like it, we understood that it was the only way to access the sequence.’

‘I... I was worried for your wellbeing. Knowing full well that you have a strong connection with Y/N. And that you would have to live with the unknown outcome for the rest of your life. But as Y/N trusts you, it had to be done by you.’ 

Steve clenched his fist and took a deep breath. 

‘But what I saw in the lab....that wasn’t just inflicting some pain on Y/N... You....You actually tortured her Buck... That was NOT what we agreed on when we said we’d help you.’

Steve stopped talking for a moment to calm down, as he could feel his anger trying to overtake his thinking.

Bucky took a sip of his whiskey and stared at the wooden grain of the bar top. Steve had every right to feel angry about what had happened in the lab. He hadn’t been completely honest with them, because he knew they would object the moment he told them what he truly had to do. But he needed them to be focused on the goal, breaking the sequence. Having them know the full story would just hinder their capability to execute their side of the plan....

’I can forgive a lot...but I cannot forgive you deliberately lying to us’. 

This ticked off Bucky, and caused him to join the conversation.

’That’s not what I did..’, he mumbled annoyed.

‘Really? Then do tell me Buck....what IS it that you did?’

Bucky let go of his drink and shifted on his stool.

’I wanted you both to be focused and ready for the task at hand. Knowing the full story would have just restricted both of you to do what was needed to help Y/N...’

Steve slammed his hand on the table top which startled Bucky.

‘You wanted us to focus?! What do you think happened when we saw you slicing up Y/N?! It was only because I trust you that I followed your lead!’

Steve now slammed his fist down on the table top and his breathing became heavier. 

Bucky felt his self control slipping and started to get defensive. 

‘YES...I wanted you both to focus and not get distracted by trival things!’

‘TRIVAL!? JESUS CHRIST Buck, you almost KILLED HER!’

Bucky stood up and kicked his bar stool backwards.

‘I DID NOT KILL HER!’

Steve got up from his bar stool and stood in front of his friend, fuming and no longer able to be calm and collected.

‘YOU ALMOST DID! WERE... WERE YOU EVEN ABLE TO STOP YOURSELF FROM HURTING HER?!’

Bucky’s face grew cold and he glared at Steve with hatred.

‘JUST SAY IT ALREADY!! I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO TRULY ASK ME!’

Steve threw his glass against the wall in frustration and stared at his friend. His lip was trembling with anger and grief, as he didn’t want to ask this of Bucky. But the situation didn’t leave him with much choice. He had to know the truth.

‘Did...D...Did you enjoy torturing her.. W..Where you turning back into the Winter Soldier?’ Steve asked while his voice cracked in the middle of his sentence.

That did it for Bucky. 

A rage spread through him and he saw red. This felt like more than betrayal to him. He could not comprehend what his friend had just asked him... or rather... couldn’t believe what Steve had accused him of.

Bucky attacked Steve head on, without warning, and hit him straight in the face. 

Cap fall backwards against the bar counter, and wheezed due to the sudden impact with the hard surface. He touched the spot where Bucky had hit him, and could feel blood starting to drip from his cut lip. 

He knew that Bucky wouldn’t take the accusation lightly, but he was surprised that he’d attack him because of it.

Bucky started to close the gap between him and Steve, and was ready to hit Cap again. But this time, Steve was ready, and deflected the incoming blow. He kicked Bucky in the back and launched him across the floor.  

‘I know you’re angry Buck, so am I! But please calm down and lets just talk about it!’

Bucky growled and pushed himself of the floor. He turned around and glared at Steve. 

‘You think I’ve reverted back to being a stone cold killer?! FINE, I’ll show you what kind of person I’ve become!’ Bucky yelled while he ran up to Steve to deal out a succesion of punches and kicks.

Both soldiers started to fight one another, hitting each other hard and without mercy. Steve had given up on trying to avoid fighting Bucky, and was overtaken by his frustration getting the better of him. 

After 10 minutes of non stop fighting, both men had bloodied, swolen faces and their fists were covered in blood. Steve was leaning against the wall, trying to catch his breath, while Bucky was leaning over a table, coughing up blood.

They had hit their limit. 

Catching his breath for a moment, Steve broke the silence. ‘B...Buck..a...(cough)... Are you satisfied now?’

Bucky coughed up some more blood and raised his head to look at his friend. It was clear that he was still angry, but his rage was less intense than 10 minutes ago. 

He spat out the blood that had pooled inside his mouth, and straightened his back. ‘Not really’, he muttered. ‘But close enough.....’. 

Steve sighed deeply and let himself slide down the wall onto the floor. He let out a breathy laugh and nodded. ‘Good....cause I’m beat.’

Bucky pulled a chair back and took a seat at the table. ‘Doesn’t mean all is forgiven....’, he said while clenching his jaw. 

Steve nodded. ‘I know...and I’m sorry for what I said. But I hope you understand why I had to ask.’

Bucky stared at his friend and nodded. ‘Yeah... but it still hurts to hear you say it out loud. Like you don’t trust me at all...’

‘Buck....you know that’s not true...’.

Bucky didn’t look Steve in the eyes and just stared at the table. He blurted it out before he realized what he had said. The trust between the two men was unbreakable, as was proven time and time again. Now Bucky felt guilt on top of the body ache from their fight...  

‘.... I ..I know...sorry..’ 

------------------------------

‘Sir, Y/N’s vitals are stable. I’ve run several tests and I cannot detect any inconsistencies.’

‘Humor me, just run the test one more time...’

‘Certainly Sir.’

Tony was typing strings of code on the screen while he stared at your results trickling in. Jarvis was right, nothing out of the ordinary was visible in the readings. But that didn’t mean he could just sit back and say ‘’job well done’’. 

Stark knew how complex the procedure was, and had calculated that there was a 63% chance of failure. He hadn’t shared this with either Steve or Bucky, but it wasn’t something he could ignore himself. It would be far too dangerous to let you ‘’loose’’ if the procedure was indeed a failure. But the problem right now wasn’t the failure part as much as the how part’. 

They hadn’t discussed how they would test out whether the sequence was broken.... And while he had given it some thought, Tony could not think of any other way than to lock you up, and try out the sequence sentence and number string... At least then you wouldn’t be able to hurt yourself or anyone else, as you would be locked up in a secure room.  

Lost in thought, Jarvis pulled Tony back to reality. 

‘Sir, the test is complete and no inconsistencies were detected. Do you want me to contact Captain Rodgers and Sergant Barnes to convey this update to them?’

‘NO..no...I.. I’ll tell them myself. I could use a break from the lab. Just keep an eye on Y/N, please Jarvis. And contact me the moment something happens!’

‘Yes Sir’. 

Tony walked over to the sink and washed off the dried up blood on his hands. He grabbed the sides of the sink and took a moment to calm down. This whole situation has shaken him up more than he’d like to admit, and he hasn’t had the time to take a breather. Adrenaline can be a real bitch sometimes....

Everyone thinks that Stark never feels pressure and that stress is a foreign concept. But even though he’s briliant, but also arrogant and selfish, at the end of the day, he’s still human...

He splashed some cold water in his face to wake up. He needed a strong drink and a word with Bucky. Steve had convinced him to cooperate with Bucky’s plan, but there was always that little voice inside that told him something was off.

The way in which Bucky had described the plan and what he would have to do to help Y/N, it never sat well with Stark. It’s not that he didn’t trust Bucky, but it was just in the way he explained the approach. Almost like he was holding back on something... which he did as it turned out... 

Y/N’s screams and the torture images were forever burned into Tony’s mind. 

Stark dried his face with a towel near the sink, and took a deep breath. ‘I’m definitely going to have a chat with that torture loving machine!’ 

Tony knew that was harsh and not at all who Bucky was, but he was just livid for what Bucky had done to Y/N. 

Not that his bond with the new soldier was that strong to begin with, but it was the principle. No matter what, under all that trauma, scars and metal, there was a beating, human heart. He might have grown a soft spot for you, but he would never let you know about that. 

He walked out of the lab after checking up on you one last time, and made his way down the corridor. Jarvis had mentioned before Tony left, that he detected 2 people in the lounge room, so that’s where Stark went. 

When he opened the door, he was greeted by broken furniture, and two beaten up soldiers sitting at the bar. They had moved back to the bar to get another drink in silence after their ‘’heart to heart’’. 

‘What in the HELL happened here?! I leave you two alone for what...40 minutes and you trash the place?!’

Stark walked up to Steve and Bucky and sat on one of the remaining bar stools. 

‘Sorry Tony....we...we had a conflict of interest. But it’s resolved now.’ Steve said with a pained smile. Bucky just nodded and didn’t look Tony in the eye. 

‘OHHHH well... That’s a relieve then, isn’t it...’ Stark replied sarcasticly. 

‘It’s not that I was ARMS DEEP IN BLOOD while I tried to keep Y/N stable. But oh no, by all means... have a fight why don’t you?! Hope you got all your frustrations out of the way!’

Steve lowered his head in shame, knowing full well that he shouldn’t have left Stark by himself. But he thought Y/N was in capable hands, and Bucky didn’t look stable enough to be by himself.

‘I...I’m sorry for leaving you on your own Tony. But I needed to check up on Bucky... and you said Y/N was stable, so I thought you could handle it from there on out..’

‘Yes...and that’s your PROBLEM Cap. You’re too emotional when it comes to cyborg brain over there... You will always choose him over anyone else!’

Steve wanted to say something, but Tony quickly glared at him to ‘’shut the hell up if he didn’t want another fight errupting within this room’’. Tony leaned over the bar and snagged the whiskey bottle and a glass. 

‘Quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck about how you feel sorry for ditching me, or how tin soldier over there has a fragile heart.’ Tony poured some of the gold liquid into his glass. 

‘Before I completely lose my temper, you better start talking about what the FUCK you did inside that room Barnes. Or I will make sure you will NEVER be able to move your blood soaked hands ever again!’ 

Stark spat venom while he took a large sip of whiskey to stop himself from adding onto his anger fueled monologue. 

All his bottled up frustrations and emotions surfaced, and Tony didn’t care to keep the lid on it any longer. He was going to let the two soldiers feel his wrath. 

Steve froze as he had never experienced Tony being that angry before. He looked at Bucky who was unimpressed by the sudden outburst, which did not help the situation. 

‘We’re both sorry Tony, truly... Buck, just tell him everything you told me...’

Bucky clenched his jaw and sighed, after which he filled in the angered genius, billionaire, playboy, philantropist but above all, concerned and caring team member.

When Bucky finished his side of the story, Stark took a moment to take it all in. 

‘Okay.. so if I get this right... You deliberately held back information because you thought we wouldn’t be able to perform our tasks properly?!

Bucky sighed and nodded. ‘That’s the gist of it....yes.’

Tony took a sip of his drink and put the glass on the bar counter. ‘Wow...I’ve been called many things in my life... but never untrustworthy’, he said while clenching his jaw.

Steve jumped into the conversation to help keep the peace. 

‘Tony.... that’s not what Bucky meant by it. He was just concerned that, on top of the pressure that came with the procedure, knowing the amount of pain he would have to inflict on Y/N.... it could have impacted our abilities to focus on the task at hand.’

Stark shook his head and stared at Cap.

‘Always the one to spin things in a positive light... Fine... I don’t care enough for it to let it drag on any longer. You’re still an asshole, but I won’t do anything drastic to your health Bucky...’

Not that Bucky was worried for his life due to Tony’s threat, but he was relieved that he wouldn’t have to fight Iron Man today. He’s had enough excitement for one day....

It was quiet in the lounge room, aside from the occasional movement of glasses and the sound of sips being taken. Bucky had moved back to a table instead of his bar stool, as he needed some space from the others. 

Steve knew the talking and sharing portion wasn’t over, for him at least, but he dreaded for what he had to share with Bucky. Stark already knew about it and was on board, but Steve had delayed informing Bucky as long as possible.

Tony nudged Steve and motioned his head towards Bucky.

‘Have you told him yet?’

Steve shook his head. ‘No...but I know I can’t wait any longer.’ Tony nodded in a supportive manner while taking another sip.

With difficulty, Steve got himself off his stool and walked over to the table where Bucky was sitting. When Steve sat opposite him, Bucky lifted his head to stare at his friend. He knew something was wrong by the way Steve looked at him, and he straightened his posture.

Stark stayed seated as there was no point in having two people ambush the super soldier with the news.

‘Just say it..’, Bucky muttered.

‘I’ve known you long enough to recognize your ‘‘Buck I have bad news’’ face.’

Steve grinned due to Bucky’s remark, but afterwards his smile dropped.

‘You uh... you remember a couple months ago when I told you about the mission?’

Bucky rubbed some dirt from his eye and nodded. ‘Yeah... the mission to take down that Hydra cell. What of it?’

Steve sighed and folded his hands. It was nerve-recking how, after everything they had gone through, he still had difficulty being honest with his best friend when it was about difficult matters. 

Steve was always worried about Bucky’s well being, and wanted to spare his friend, but he couldn’t keep on treating Bucky like a broken thing. He had worked too hard to still be seen as unstable and deserved more of Steve’s trust when it came to Bucky’s mental state. 

‘I uh.. you know....There..’

Bucky glared at Steve and started to get impatient. ‘Just say what you have to say, jesus....’

‘Sorry... It’s just.. I know you’re not going to like it...’

This made Bucky’s ears perk up. ‘What is it that I’m not going to like?’ His face was stone cold and his eyes were burning holes into Steve.

‘You know what the initial mission was going to be like, right? As a team, we would drop behind enemy lines, infiltrate the Hydra cell base and take it out in one clean sweep.’

‘Yeah... and I said that it wasn’t going to be clean at all....’ Bucky scoffed while folding his arms.

‘Right....Well....There might be a change of plans...’

Tony turned around on his bar stool to look at Bucky’s face. He had warned Steve against telling Bucky about the change, stating that the soldier was not going to like what Cap had to share... Well actually... he said that Bucky would kill him for sure...

Bucky’s hands were balled into tight fists and his body was on edge once again. Whatever Steve was going to say, he knew that it involved Y/N. Why else would Steve struggle to speak to him, saying that he wouldn’t like it? 

‘Nat contacted me a couple weeks ago... She had to go off radar after she staked out a Hydra camp... It’s not good Buck.. We uh... we might have to....’

Steve told Bucky about the potential alteration to the mission. But ensured him that this would only be a final resort type of thing.

Bucky flipped the table in anger, and started shouting at Steve for being an inconsiderate piece of shit. Steve didn’t blame Bucky for getting angry and just let his friend unwind. 

‘Told you he wouldn’t like it.’ Stark said while getting up from his stool, which earned him an annoyed glare from Steve.

‘Why the fuck would you think I’d ever agree to such a fucked up idea?!’ Bucky yelled after he had calmed down from trashing the room some more. 

‘I knew you wouldn’t Buck, but I wanted to be completely transparent with you when it comes to the mission... and Y/N. I rather you get angry at me for knowing, than feeling betrayed for not knowing.’

Bucky glared at Steve, but knew he was right. He would have been way more livid if Steve hadn’t told him in advance.

Tony walked up to the two men and folded his arms.

‘Now that all is out in the open... Are we good? Because I’m done with this bitch fest you two are having.’

Bucky stared at Tony with a loss for words and clenched his jaw, ready for round two, but Steve softly pushed him back.

‘Thanks for your insights Tony.... Could have worded it differently...’ Steve patted Bucky on the shoulder and told him to ignore Starks remark. They we’re all agitated due to the developments of the day, and they needed to decompress.

‘Listen Buck, you don’t have to give me an answer now. We still have time to plan the mission, and as I said, this alternation is only when we are left with no other options.’ 

‘This day has been quite eventful, so lets all get some rest and reconvene tomorrow...’

Bucky shook his head in disbelieve and stared at both Steve and Tony. ‘You really think a couple hours of sleep is going to change my mind?! The answer is NO!’

Bucky walked past Steve and Tony, towards the door and paused.

‘If you ever bring this bullshit up again, I will kill you both!’ Bucky growled while slamming the lounge room door behind him. 

Stark sighed. ‘Couldn’t have gone better... I told you it wouldn’t do anything to further the mission...’

‘At least I’m being honest with him Tony.’ Steve said as calmly as he could. ‘He deserves to know in case we have to change the plan.’

‘Yeah... and you think he’s going to just let us go on with it? Good luck with that...’ Tony said while patting Cap on the shoulder. 

‘I’m out. I can barely stay awake. Don’t wake me up if you wish to stay team mates....’

‘Yeah... Go rest... and Tony... Thanks for today.’

Stark waved his hand while walking out of the room. Steve was now left by himself. He looked around the room and saw the carnage left behind. 

‘Should probably clean this up’, Steve muttered to himself, but he was too tired to lift anything, much less cleaning the whole room. 

‘Tomorrow....’ Steve said while jawning. Right now, he needed to get some much needed sleep in. 

----------------------

With difficulty you opened your eye lids slowly. You had a massive headache and your whole body felt stiff. You stirred on the stretcher and tried to process where you were. But it was as if you weren’t able to control your body or mind at the same time. Like both where fractured or disconnected from one another. 

‘Miss Y/N, welcome back.’ Jarvis’s voice chimed through the lab.

Your throat was too swolen to speak or make a sound, and your vision was blurry. It felt like you were deep under water, as your body was being pushed upon by an invisible force. The pressure was suffocating you, and you tried to escape the feeling of drowning. 

‘Based on your injuries, I understand that your throat is too damaged to speak to me. Please take your rest while I inform the others that you have awoken.’

You shook your head, trying to clear your mind, but it didn’t help. The pressure started to build and your vision turned from blurry to pitch black.

‘I’m sorry miss, you don’t want to inform the team that you have woken up?’

Ignoring the AI’s question, you sat up on the stretcher while holding onto your head. There was a loud and painful ringing and you wanted it to stop. You pushed yourself off the stretcher, thinking you would land on your feet, but instead, you fell on the ground. 

Your legs were weakened and you didn’t have the energy to move them properly, let alone support your body weight.

‘Miss Y/N, please lay still while I contact the team. You are in no condition to move on your own.’

You again ignored Jarvis and started to crawl across the floor. Once you made contact with the desk, you started to lift yourself up. Through gritted teeth you pushed through the pain to stand on your legs. Again, a loud ringing pierced through your mind and you voicelessly screamed out, clutching your head tightly. 

After that, everything went silent and you felt yourself fall down a pitch black abyss.

------------------

Jarvis had announced throughout the compound that Y/N had awoken and needed urgent care. 

It was late at night, and Bucky was held up in his room. The information Steve had shared in the lounge room bothered him too much to get some sleep.

So instead, he layed flat on his back while staring at the ceiling. He went over the new plan a hundred times, and each time he hated it more. But as he had gotten some time to calm down, he started to see why Steve came up with it. But it didn’t matter, as Bucky would never allow Y/N to become a part of the plan.

Finally, Bucky started to relax enough where he felt his eye lids getting heavier. Some sleep might help him feel better in the morning, and he didn’t want to look too horrible when you’d wake up. 

Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be able to get rest any time soon, as Jarvis’s voice boomed through Bucky’s room. 

The announcement mentioned Y/N, and Bucky immediately pushed himself off the floor and ran as fast as he could to the lab. Both Steve and a sleep deprived Stark followed soon after. Fear grasping their chests thighly, they thought the worst had happened to Y/N.. Death, or the procedure had backfired.

They were close to the lab when Bucky saw you walking through the hallway. Seeing you moving around allowed him to breathe better, but he was alarmed when he scanned the floor. 

You supported yourself by holding onto the wall, while a trail of blood was visible on the floor behind you. You must have teared some of your stitches. 

‘Y/N?’ Bucky asked while slowly walking over. You didn’t respond to his voice and kept walking. 

‘Buck, I think we..’

‘DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!’ Bucky growled at Steve.

Steve stared at Bucky with pain filled eyes, and Bucky muttered a quick sorry in return. They were all on edge still after their conversation and the happenings in the lab, so it was easy to snap at one another. 

‘It’s fine Buck.... just.. Make sure you don’t startle her.’

Bucky nodded, and softly put his hand on your shoulder. ‘Y/N, it’s me’.

The moment he made contact, you froze and turned on your heels to grab hold of his arm. You pushed Bucky down on his knees while locking his arm in a painful position. If you kept going, you would break his arm for sure. Bucky yelped in pain for a moment and looked up at your face.

You were unconscious as your eyes were clouded, but your body was clearly moving on its own. It was very eerie, almost as if you were a puppet, controlled by someone else.

Bucky became extremely concerned, as he immediately assumed the procedure had failed.

‘Buck.....don’t move’. Steve walked up to the two soldiers while keeping a safe distance. ‘I think she responds to sudden movement, so just hold still.’

‘Easy for you to say.... she almost breaking my arm!’ Bucky grunted while trying to stay as still as possible. 

‘Tony, get the bed ready in the lab. We’ve got this covered.’ 

Stark shook his head and scoffed. 

‘I know for a fact that you DON’T got this Cap. Just move out of the way when I say so.’

Steve looked at Stark in confusion but nodded, while Tony walked into the lab.

‘Sir, Miss Y/N is currently in shock. Her body is simply revolting back to her survival instincts. I would advice the use of a tranquilizer to put her back to sleep.’

‘I know Jarvis..... what do you THINK I’m looking for?’

‘Upper drawer, left cabinet, Sir.’

‘Thank you...’

Tony grabbed the case and took a vial out. He kept some vials of tranquilizer with him in case he’d run into the Hulk. He had made sure that it would be strong enough to put the green guy down, but it would be too potent for Y/N. 

Based on some quick calculations inside his head, he figured that 1/5 of the vial would be safe to use on Y/N. He grabbed his tranq gun and put the vial in. 

‘Get out of the way Cap.’ Stark said while he walked back into the hallway.

You were still holding onto Bucky’s arm and was about to break it. But before that could happen, Stark hit you in the chest with a well aimed dart. The serum from the vial entered your body and you loosened your grip on Bucky. He quickly turned on his knees to catch you in his arms. 

‘That should do it. Now, get your ass up and carry her to the bed. We need to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself any more than she already has.’

Bucky glared at Tony but did as he was told. He hold you close while he walked you over to the bed in the lab. 

------------------------

After going through a couple more tests and observing Y/N’s vital readings, Tony concluded that it was indeed shock. He had checked all stitching and redid some off it around your stomach. Luckily you hadn’t teared too much of it, so the amount of blood you had lost was minimal.

Steve was relieved that Y/N was okay, but Bucky was laser focused on Y/N’s sleeping face.

‘There is no reason to believe the procedure failed Buck. We just need to keep her in observation till she wakes up properly. After that, we can do some tests to see the outcome of the procedure.’ Steve mumbled tiredly. 

Tony typed some notes on the monitor screen, and instructed Jarvis what to do in case you’d wake up again in that ‘’zombie’’ state. Bucky didn’t move from his spot next to your bed, so Steve had no choice but to stay also. He was tired and really wanted to get this day over with, but he knew he couldn’t leave Bucky like this.

Stark was finishing up some things in the lab, while he closely observed the two soldiers on the couch. If they’d start another fight inside the lab, he would kill them for sure.  

With some pushing and pulling, and the exchange of annoyed glances, Cap managed to move Bucky to the couch. Steve stared ahead of him while letting himself sink into the couch. 

Bucky looked to his left and saw you laying in bed. Tony had cleaned up most of the blood, but he could still see some drops glistening in the overhead light. 

He stared at his hands which were covered in your dried up blood... and now also Steve’s blood.... 

‘Can I at least help you with that?’ Steve asked while pointing at Bucky’s hands. 

‘I....I’m fine.’ Bucky murmured while rubbing his hands together. Steve didn’t believe him and got off the couch to get a bowl with water and a towel. ‘Here, use this to clean it off.’

Bucky stared at the water and his reflection in it. His eyes were cold and there were some specks of blood on his face. No idea whether it was yours or Steve’s. It was like he was back to being the Winter Soldier, but this time he was in full control of his actions. 

‘I said that I had your back Buck, but I have to be honest with you. I know we already talked about this, but I got  really concerned that you were starting to lose yourself in there.’ Steve clenched his hands but didn’t look at his friends face. 

‘I didn’t Steve... but I almost wished I had.’ Bucky started to clean off the blood from his hands and grabbed the towel to clean his face.

‘How so Buck?’ 

Bucky sighed. ‘If I had lost control... you’d have a reason to put me down.. And then...Then I didn’t have to live with those images of me torturing her...’

He put the bowl of dirty water on the floor and lay his head back against the couch. 

‘I’ve done some pretty fucked up things, that I will always regret... That I have to live with for the rest of my life... But this....this has been by far the worst thing I’ve done...’

Bucky closed his eyes and turned his back towards Steve. He didn’t want to talk anymore and Steve didn’t want to force Bucky to talk.

‘Take some time to rest Buck. You’ve done good. I just know Y/N is going to be okay.’ Steve whispered while getting up from the couch, and leaving the lab after emptying the bowl of water in the sink. 

‘I’ve done everything I can for now. Y/N will be sore when she wakes up, but the procedure went well.’ Tony said with a tired expression. 

When all was said and done, they were still a team. So no matter how angry they’d get at one another, they’d always make sure to support each other in the end.

‘Thanks...’ Bucky whispered while staring at your sleeping face. 

Stark threw Bucky a vial of serum while motioning at Bucky’s face. 

‘Just spray this on your face... I don’t think it will do Y/N any good if she sees you with a beaten up face. At least with this it will heal faster and only leave some light bruising....’

‘And there is a spare t-shirt in the drawer there... as your shirt is... Just get changed when you can...’

Bucky nodded while staring at the serum.

‘You uh... you know where to find us if you need something.’ Stark said while patting Bucky on the shoulder while passing by. 

Bucky nodded and Stark walked out the door. Steve was waiting for him in the hallway. 

‘Cap..’, he muttered, while handing him the same vial of serum he gave to Bucky. 

‘What do you think? Did it work?’ 

Stark scratched his head. ‘Don’t know... I’ve done everything Shuri instructed, but we can’t be certain till we test it out. But before that happens, I need to get some sleep at least...’

‘You and me both...,’ Steve sighed while both men started to make their way to their bedrooms. 

Bucky stayed with you in the lab and changed his shirt, after using the healing serum. 

He fell asleep every once in a while on the couch, having difficulty to keep his eyes open. But he didn’t commit to it fully as Bucky was worried you might need help.    

----------------------------

A couple hours later, you started to stir and woke up. You could definitely feel that your body had gone through a few rounds of torture, but you’ve had it worse. 

Your mind immediately jumped to the big question you had before the procedure: did it work? You sat up straight in bed and looked around you. Bucky was still sitting on the couch but didn’t look at you.

‘B...Buck...’, you said with a hoarse voice. ‘D...did it...is it...over?’ Bucky nodded while turning his head the other way. 

He had decided not to tell you about your little excursion to the hallway, as it would only trouble you more than it needed be. If you were to remember, he would just tell you it was a bad dream. 

‘Yeah..it’s done.’ His voice was cold and absent. 

You felt immense relief washing over you, and you climbed out of bed. Legs a bit wobbly, you quickly hold onto the headboard to stay upright. Your body screamed out in pain and your muscles were on fire...

But it didn’t matter. If pain was the price you had to pay for freedom, you would do it all over again, ten fold. 

You noticed something was off with Bucky, and you snapped your head into his direction. 

‘Why are you avoiding me?’ You asked while carefully walking towards the couch. Bucky flinched and scooted further down, creating distance between the two of you. 

‘Happy you’re okay.’ He said while still avoiding your gaze. 

Something was definitely off about him. You expected Bucky to be relieved it was all over, happy even... But it almost seemed like he was scared of looking at you. Had you done something to make him feel this way?

‘Can you at least look at me?’

Bucky didn’t move. 

‘God dammit Buck, just tell me what...’ 

You stopped talking when you saw the slight shaking of his shoulders. You groaned in pain while you moved up the couch to sit next to him. You forcefully turned his head to face you, and a tear rolled down his cheek, but his eyes were like empty voids.

Without a second thought, you embraced the broken soldier into your arms, and let his face rest on your shoulder. Not immediately registering that you hugged him, Bucky was leaning against you, but slowly folded his arms around you. 

Both soldiers didn’t realize what a massive change this was in your behavior. You’ve never hugged a person before, let alone show compassion towards another human being. While you did start to accept Bucky’s touches here and there, this would be considered way out of your comfort zone. 

A few of Bucky’s tears fell on your shirt, but you didn’t mention it. You should have known that asking this of Bucky would be a massive hit on his sanity. But when he himself suggested it to you in the first place, you thought he would be able to handle it. 

You tightened your grip and pulled him closer towards you. Rubbing his back softly made Bucky calm down. 

‘Thank you’. You whispered in his ear while continuing to console him. Bucky nodded slowly and burried his face further into the crook of your neck. While Steve had always been of great support to him, this time, he couldn’t open up to Cap about how he felt. But with you, it felt natural to let his guard down. 

‘I’m sorry that you had to do this. But I am thankful that it was you who did it.’

That’s truly how you felt about it. Bucky was the only one you trusted with this, so him actually going through with it, for your sake, was something you could never repay him for. 

‘Y...you okay?’ He whispered after his tears had dried up. You were both still holding on to each other tightly, not wanting to let go... afraid to lose each other if you did.

‘Yeah....as long as you forgive yourself for what you had to do inside that room’.

Bucky stayed quiet for a moment after which he nodded against your shoulder. ‘I’ll..try..’, he muttered.

You grinned and let go of Bucky to look him in the eyes. ‘You better old man, as we have a whole lot of catching up to do.’

‘O...old man?!’ Bucky looked at you with both a surprised and offended look, which made you laugh out loud. 

While you had forgotten what it was like to laugh, your body seemed to remember the motion. Your stomach started to hurt and you had to wipe away a few tears that had formed in the corners of your eyes.

Bucky’s eyes went wide when he heard you laugh and his eyes returned to their usual blue color. It was long overdue, but finally, he had made you laugh. It sounded so sweet and genuine that Bucky couldn’t resist laughing with you. 

This could only be seen as a positive sign. The procedure must have worked as he had never seen or hear you laugh before. Everything would be okay from here on out.... until a loud siren went off inside the compound.

--------------------- 

The sound of the alarm would only ring when there was a true emergency. Red lights turned on and Jarvis’s voice boomed through the compound.

‘Avengers, please make your way to the meeting room. Ms Romanoff has called for an emergency meeting.’

Bucky’s face turned grey when he heared the announcement. He knew this could only mean something terrible must be right around the corner. 

He grabbed your hand and helped you get up. His eyes were focused but beads of sweat were dropping down his chin. You had never seen Bucky this way before. He almost seemed sick, and you were worried that he might keel over.

You clenched his hand tightly to make him focus on you, and you could see the panic in his eyes. ‘what’s going on?’

Bucky grabbed your hand tightly and swallowed his fear. ‘You okay to walk?’

You nodded. ‘Whatever happens, I will protect you’. He said it in such earnesty, that you didn’t know how to reply. 

Bucky pulled you behind him while he walked out of the lab. His stride was strong and a little too fast for your liking, but you didn’t want to ask him to slow down. 

In the distance, you saw Steve and Stark talking with one another. 

‘Steve...STEVE... What’s going on?’ Bucky asked while he walked into the direction of the meeting room.

‘Buck....’, but Cap stopped talking when he saw that you were standing behind him. Steve’s face was grim and there was worry writting all over.

‘What?!’ Bucky growled while holding onto your hand.

Steve sighed. ‘Best get Y/N inside the room first, okay?’ He motioned towards the meeting room and didn’t say another word. Bucky was getting frustrated by the secrecy and shared glances between Steve and Stark. 

‘Not before you tell me what the hell is going on!’ He growled. 

Steve couldn’t look Bucky in the eyes, which caused him to feel uncomfortable. He must have heard something pretty bad, otherwise Steve wouldn’t be so distraught.

Bucky hold his ground and Steve caved. 

‘I... I’m sorry Buck...’. 

Was all he could bring out, which paralyzed his friend for a moment. A thousand thoughts flashed through Bucky’s head, trying to figure out what Steve was sorry for. But all of a sudden a light bulb went off inside his head. And the thought that emerged was the most terrifying one of all to Bucky.

His eyes widened and his chest felt heavy, while anger started to rise. ‘N..no...NO.. STEVE I TOLD YOU NO!’ He let go of your hand and walked up to Cap, while grabbing his shirt tightly. 

‘YOU LITERALLY TOLD ME A COUPLE HOURS AGO THAT WE WOULD EXPLORE ALL OTHER OPTIONS FIRST! THAT WE STILL HAD PLENTLY OF TIME!

He started to shake Steve back and forth, but Cap didn’t respond. He could only look at Bucky with grief and self loathing. 

‘DID YOU LIE TO ME!? DID YOU KNOW WE WERE OUT OF TIME?!’

Steve shook his head slowly.

Bucky let go of Steve with some force behind it, and the hallway was spinning around him. After their fight in the lounge area, Steve had told Bucky about the potential alternation to the mission, involving you.  

Steve promised him that they wouldn’t go through with it unless they had no other options left. Which made Bucky calm down slightly, but he said over and over again that he would never let it come that far. He would not allow you to be pulled back into that hell hole you had narrowly escaped from all these years ago. 

Clenching his fists tightly, he wanted to scream from the top of his lungs. But he didn’t want to upset you by his sudden outburst.  

Bucky turned around and tried his best to hide the whirlwind of emotions erupting within, while he walked towards you.

‘I’m sorry for dragging you over. I didn’t think about your injuries. Are you okay?’

You didn’t know what Bucky was screaming about a minute ago, but you didn’t have the energy to care for it more than a second. Something must have happened, but you were certain that Bucky would tell you all in good time.

You shrugged and nodded. ‘Nothing I can’t handle. It’s better to move around than laying in bed all day’. Bucky forced a smile, but it didn’t meet his eyes, which made you feel uneasy. Should you be concerned? 

‘Come on you two, in you go’. Tony said while pushing both Bucky and yourself into the room. He was fed up with the tantrum Bucky was throwing, and he just wanted to get it over with.

It wasn’t like he was looking forward to sharing the plan with you, but all this proloning of the inevitable started to feel cruel. If he could, he would veto the whole thing, but they were out of options.  

Both Steve and Stark were now left in the hallway, and a dark cloud started to form above them.

‘Tony....do you really think this is the best thing to do? Have we really explored all options?’ Steve whispered with a wavering voice.

Stark sighed and folded his arms. ‘Cap...I wish things could be different, trust me... but we have officially run out of time. It’s this or losing everything we’ve fought for...’

Steve frowned and clenched his jaw, but nodded in the end while opening the meeting room door.

---------------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​

#bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers #steve x reader #tony stark #tony stark x reader

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 17

*Warnings: some light swearing, extreme torture, blood*

This is a long one, as I didn’t want to split it into two chapters, sorry!

Part 18

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

You would have been better off if the Avengers had never found. Everything has gone to shit and now you’re stuck with picking up the pieces. 

The realization of James....who now went by Bucky...still being alive had definitely hit you hard. Not only was the person you had cared for, more than your own life was worth, still alive..... he lied to you.

You felt conflicted as to whether you should feel angry or relieved. Pacing through the basement, you tried to get your head straight.

Bucky had made you remember your Hydra life more vividly, regaining memories your mind had blocked out, but at the same time, he has made you more grounded and almost hopeful for the future....

Okay....the way in which this was achieved cannot be considered ideal....but... you know... no one’s perfect. There is also no one else in the world who could understand you on a deeper level than Bucky.

People like Steve would feel bad for you, and try to show support, but they would never understand the true horror and trauma you had to deal with. Bucky on the other hand didn’t make you feel like an outcast... You felt like a person when you talked with him, even if your conversation topics were dark and twisted due to your experiences. 

You started to slow down your pacing and you felt calmer. Perhaps it was the unconcious realization that your empty feeling of the last couple of years was linked to the loss of James. And by him reentering your life as Bucky, you regained part of yourself?

Even if that was the case... he still lied to you. You couldn’t let that simply slide for the sake of a shared past.

Did it really matter though that he didn’t tell you he was James? It wasn’t like you recognized him the first time around.... And if you remember correctly, he did tell you that he himself didn’t even remember you till after his nightmare?

Hydra had fucked up your lives and minds, so both of you forgetting about each other, and years later finding each other again... it sort of made sense in a weird way.

‘It’s not his fault’, you murmured to yourself.

He had trusted you with extremely sensitive and painful memories of his own, so why would he do that if he wanted to betray you later on?

No matter what would happen next, you would no longer let Hydra wedge itself between your and Bucky’s life. You’ve both lost too much time as is.

Feeling scared was an understatement. What if you truly couldn’t be fixed? Would you have to be on the run for the rest of your life? Looking over your shoulder each time you passed someone on the street. Worried that it could be an Hydra agent who had knowledge of your sequence.

What the hell would you do to stay alive? Would you become a gun for hire, or would somewhere down the line your mind inevitably snap? Is your future nothing more than becoming that numb feeling murder machine again, killing people because that’s what you were accustomed to?

You didn’t want to hurt people, above all the people you cared about, and didn’t want to risk being activated against your will. Either by Hydra, another fucked up organization, or by your own doing.

You felt nauseous when you realized what had to be done. If you didn’t feel this tense you would have laughed at yourself. A super soldier and dangerous weapon.... nervous to ask for help... PATHETIC!

Fuck.... you definitely had to apologise to Bucky first, before you could ask him for help.

----------------

Bucky sat on the bed in his room. He hadn’t slept (yet again) and just stared blankly in front of him. The incidents from the last couple of weeks, up to yesterday, ran through his mind. He wanted to hit himself due to frustration.

Of course keeping you in the dark was a stupid thing to do. He should have told you about his nightmare instead of hidding in his room like a scared little kid. But how the hell was he supposed to tell you about it, when you yourself didn’t even remember? 

Would it really have made a difference if you knew, when you weren’t able to recall the memory to confirm Bucky’s story to be true?

He clenched his fists and sighed. Life has been anything but easy ever since he escaped from Hydra.

Sometimes Bucky wished that he had died when he fell off that train. But he would quickly curse at himself for thinking that way. Even if he had gone through hell, in the end he was able to see his best friend again. He got his revenge on Hydra, broke his own sequence, and he had you back in his life.

From outside the bedroom door, Bucky sensed that someone was standing in front of it.

Bucky looked up, expecting a knock or voice to follow, but nothing happened. A couple minutes passed, after which a soft knocking on the door could be heard.

He got up from his bed to open the door. He had a suspicion that it could be you, as Steve would have just barged in after knocking a couple times. And Stark....never knocked once in his god damn life.

When he opened the door his instinct was correct. Bucky saw you standing in the hallway with your arms folded. You didn’t look him in the eye and just stared at Bucky’s feet. You looked uncomfortable and fragile, which Bucky was dumbfounded by. You were a tough as nails soldier, but right now, you did not emit that energy at all.

Bucky was on high alert after the knife incident, but felt a bit of relief that you reached out to him, instead of disappearing into thin air. Or worse, trying to attack him again.

It was clear that you remembered practically everything there was to remember about your shared past. Saying the things you said made Bucky understand that he had lost your trust, which hurt him more than the damage you had inflicted on his face....

But on the other hand, he was also pissed at you. It wasn’t like he had chosen to forget about you on purpose.... Yes, you had every right to be mad at him, but you should at least give him some slack for it.

Life wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for him either. Bucky has made a lot of mistakes, and he had tried very hard to make things right, and to learn in the process. But he had his bad days still, and there were a ton of things he didn’t know how to navigate through to this day.

Just because he had a head start of a few years, didn’t mean that he had all his ducks in a row. That’s what makes him angry. It feels like you are blaming him for everything that went wrong with your life, which is extremely unfair to Bucky.

He has been there for you and has done his best to make you feel supported. And you repay him by wanting to stab him. Yeah, that’s not going to fly...

Bucky leaned against the door still, arms folded. His expression was cold while he looked you up and down. You didn’t seem aggressive, so that was a nice change of pace from yesterday....

You looked up at Bucky and swallowed a couple times. There was clear bruising on his face, and the cuts you inflicted were flaming red. Luckily no traces of blood, but it made you feel horrible.

If anything, Bucky met you on a good day. You could have easily pulverized his face, which you were thankful had not happened.  

It was so quiet in the compound, that you could hear the buzzing of a fly roaming further down the hallway. Nerves going wild, you wondered if it was possible for a heart to break through a chest cavity? 

It was clear that Bucky wasn’t going to be his warm self. That kinda tends to happen when you try to stab someone... His face was cold and distant, even if his eyes still showed you that he cared.

Bucky leaned his head against the door still and stared ahead of him.

You were still angry at Bucky, but after giving yourself some time to think, you were more pissed off at yourself. You felt guilt for thinking that Bucky, after everything he had confined in you, was part of Hydra.

You sucked at being a ‘’normal’’ human being, and the things that came with it. That’s what made you and Bucky a great pair. Just a couple of malfunctioning people who tried to live day by day.

You didnt want to be apologetic for the person you had become. Part of it couldn’t be helped...helloooooo torture anyone? But you didn’t want to keep hiding behind your traumatic past.

You had made the decision to take back control, so that meant that you would have to go outside of your comfort zone. 

Apologizing for your actions was not something you had ever had to do. You were put on ice after missions, and when you were let out, you did was was instructed of you. Everything was simple. 

It was only in those years on the run that you started to reflect on what you had done. Not that it bothered you all that much at first, but there was a gnawing feeling inside that made you know that something was wrong.

Of course you knew that killing was bad.... but if you don’t remember anything else, how are you supossed to know any better?

Perhaps that gnawing feeling were the surpressed memories of James, as he was the only one that kept you human on the inside?

Shaking your head, you realized that you haven’t said anything out loud, and you could see that Bucky was starting to lose his patience.

You took a deep breath and decided to just go for it. Better to rip off the bandage in one go than taking it slow.  

‘I’ll do it’, you said with as much conviction as you could muster.

You moved closer towards Bucky, which surprised him, but he moved out of the way so you could enter his room. Bucky frowned while you walked past him.

He closed the door behind him and folded his arms again, keeping his distance. You sighed and motioned him to take a seat on his bed. Bucky didn’t comply, and you were the one getting impatient now.

‘I’m not going to stab you....’, you hold up your hands. ‘See..no knife. You can search me if that puts your mind at ease.’

He shook his head and walked towards his bed. He sat down and stared at you.

Bucky leaned his right elbow on his thigh and rested his head on his palm. He made direct eye contact which made you feel even more pressured, but it didn’t seem to matter to him.

Silence........

He started to drum his right index finger against his cheek. Tap, tap, tap, almost like he had turned himself into a grandfather clock. With each tap he made it clear that time was running out.

You knew you had to say something....no matter how hard it would be. This was Jame....Bucky... you were talking to. It would be okay, right?

You slapped yourself across the face to make yourself focus. This caught Bucky off guard, but he was able to surpress a chuckle that wanted to escape. You were showing a whole new side of yourself, and Bucky would be lying if he didn’t find it amusing.

‘I...I don’t want to be controlled any longer’, you mumbled. This made Bucky become serious. His eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to speak but decided not to.

You shifted on your feet and stared at Bucky, hoping he would say anything to take the spotlight off you. Unfortunately, you were met with a cold expression. He wasn’t going to let you off easy after the stunt you pulled yesterday.

‘I’m uh.....um...you know...I’m s....fuck....I’m...jesus christ pull yourself together...’. You coughed and shook your head, almost to try and get your words straightened out inside your mind.

‘I’m.....sorry.’

Bucky looked genuinely surprised and he folded his arms. He looked at you in a way as if he was challenging you to continue. This made you feel annoyed, but you pushed the feeling away. He had every right to act this way...

You sighed.

‘What you told me in my bedroom...About ... you know.. breaking the sequence... I...’. You took a deep breath. ‘Please help me break it.’

You stared into Bucky’s eyes and he could see the determination in yours, and the fear.

‘I...I want to be free..’. You folded your arms and turned your back towards Bucky. ‘Like...you’.

This last part made your voice partially break. This was not the time to start feeling sorry for yourself!

You cleared your throat, relaxed your arms, and turned around, waiting for Bucky to respond.

A huge weight had been lifted off your chest. This was the first time where you had apologized for something and asked someone for help. It felt strange but great at the same time. Perhaps you even felt a bit proud of yourself?

But you had no idea how Bucky would respond to your request. Would he still be willing to help you after everything that had happened?  

Bucky leaned back into his mattress and let out a sigh of relief. If anything he expected you to leave the compound, never wanting to see him again. He drapped his arm across his face and was silent for a moment, before his body started to shake.

He began to laugh, which caught you off guard.  

You began to get defensive and started to feel angry. ‘If you think it’s funny, I’ll leave!’

You turned around and got ready to walk out of the room, but Bucky quickly jumped up from the bed and hugged you from behind. You grabbed his arms, wanting to tear them off, but you couldn’t make yourself go through with it.

‘I’m sorry’, he muttered.

‘I wasn’t laughing at you. I was just surprised by this new...softer side of you. Was just happy to hear you still trust me enough to ask for my help...’

Bucky tightened his grip around you and pulled you closer against his chest. ‘Thought you hated me....’, he muttered in earnesty.

You dropped your arms beside you and sighed. ‘I..I did hate you...still do.. But..’

You removed Bucky’s arms from around your shoulders and created some distance between you.

‘I don’t want Hydra to control my life any longer than they already have. And... I don’t want to lose the person I cared for again in this life time.’

Bucky’s eyes grew wide, as this was the first time he had heard you say something even remote to caring for someone. And it made his heart swell.

All that mattered now was that you both remembered your past, and that there wouldn’t be any secrets between you ever again. Not if he had a say in the matter.

‘Sounds good to me. But if you ever start stabbing me again, I will not hold back’, he said with a grin.

You rolled your eyes. ‘I already said sorry for that... I feel bad enough about it as is...’

‘Sorry...’, Bucky said while giving you an apologetic smile.

‘Well, if we want to fix this Hydra bullshit, we have a lot of work ahead of us.’

‘I know that it’s scary, but if you want us to be able to break the sequence, you have to trust me... Just for 10% is good enough.’

You shook your head and walked up to Bucky. You grabbed his right shoulder and made him look you in the eyes.

‘What I said yesterday was just a cumulation of factors...mostly because I was angry. Keeping our past a secret has hurt me and my trust. But after everything we have gone through... I still trust you halfway.’

Bucky’s eyes lit up and a toothy smile showed on his face. ‘I’ll take whatever you throw my way, minus the knives’.

You punched him in the chest, which didn’t leave much of an impression on Bucky. ‘The joke is wearing thin....’ You sighed and stared at your right arm. ‘Do you really think you can do it?’

Bucky stopped joking around and sighed. ‘Honest answer, I don’t know. But I will do everything I can to help you regain your freedom.’

You nodded. ‘That works’. You reached out your right hand which made Bucky tilt his head sideways.

‘You’re supossed to shake hands when you make a deal....’, you murmured while staring at the floor.

Bucky laughed, took your hand and shook it firmly. ‘The deal is sealed. Now you’re officially stuck with me’.

‘Did I make a mistake asking you for help...?’

‘Nope....as I’m the only one close by that can help you’. Bucky said with a grin. ‘But do know that this is going to be a tough process. Are you up for it?’ He was all serious, no smiles.

You nodded. ‘Never been more sure of anything in my life.’

‘I’ll talk to Steve and Stark to prepare some things. We’ll begin in the morning.’

You nodded, ready to leave Bucky’s room, but he stopped you. ‘Oh no no, you stay here.’

‘Why?’ You asked annoyed

‘Just because we made a deal doesn’t mean you are off the hook that easily. We definitely have to talk things through between us’.

‘Trust goes both ways, and I would like to avoid being on the chopping block next time you get angry....’.

You groaned. ‘I already said I was sorry. What more do you want to talk about!?’

Bucky’s eyes were cold, which made you worried for a moment.

‘Everything.’ He said firmly.

‘There is no point in pretending that everything is fine. You’re angry at me for hidding shit, and I’m angry at you for blaming me for all that has happened to you.’

Your eyes grew wide, as this was unexpected. Was that really what Bucky thought of your actions. That it was aimed at him, that you blamed him?

‘I will not help you as long as we haven’t aired out our grievances.’ Bucky folded his arms and leaned against the wall.

‘So...you ready to talk?’

You sighed and stared at your past, present and future imbodied into Bucky.

‘Fine....yes. We’ll talk.’

Bucky nodded. ‘Good. Now sit down while I run down to the lab and talk to Steve and Stark. Shouldn’t take long.’  

You sighed and sat down on a chair next to a round table, and Bucky walked out of the room.

If it had been anyone else, you would have ripped their head off for asking you to do something you didn’t want to. But Bucky had definitely become a weakness, which troubled you. Weaknesses could be easily used against you, hence why you avoided gaining personal connections in the previous years.

But now that Bucky was back in your life, things were different.

You had your memories back, so the prior feelings you had for James only became more amplified and evolved into something new. No idea that you had started to develop feelings for your fellow ‘’war’’ buddy, you waved it off as stress for tomorrow.

Ignorance was bliss....

After half an hour or so, Bucky returned to the room and closed the door. He had brought some food and drinks and took a seat at the table.

While taking tiny bites of the food, it was quiet at first. But eventually you started to talk. About the past, your experiences, frustrations and fears. Bucky joined into the conversation and brought his side of things to the equation.

You both talked for hours till there was nothing left to say. Exhausted by walking down memory lane, you both decided that you had talked enough. Bucky was satisfied with the outcome, and you felt pleased for having an open conversation with Bucky.

‘Now that we have cleared the air, lets get some sleep. Big day tomorrow’. Bucky pushed his chair backwards and he got up. You mirorred his actions and stretched your limbs.

Bucky smiled at you and nodded with a sleepy expression. You wanted to immediately walk out of the room, but felt that it might be perceived as cold. You scratched your head and cleared your throat.

‘T....thanks for staying alive’, you murmured while you started to walk towards the door.

‘What did you say?’ Bucky asked with a frown.

You stopped and sighed. ‘I....I said...Thanks for staying alive.’

Bucky grinned. ‘Heard you the first time, but just wanted to hear it one more time’.

You turned around and looked at him annoyed. ‘Asshole!’

Bucky held up his hands and laughed. ‘Guilty as charged. But at least it made you feel less tense right?’

You sighed. He was trying to make you feel less nervous about tomorrow.

‘Yeah...maybe.’

Bucky grinned. ‘I’ll come pick you up tomorrow morning, get some sleep, kay’.

You nodded tiredly, and closed the door behind you.

Talking things through was definitely the right call. He walked back over to the table and let himself fall on a chair.

Bucky rested his head on the table. Now the hardest part of the plan was only a couple hours away. And specificaly, the role he would have to fulfil to make it work.

Fear filling his head, he tried to focus on the positive outcome of tomorrow, breaking your sequence.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

They had all agreed that Bucky would take the lead in the procedure to break your mind control sequence. Stark had some snarky remarks, but Steve quickly put them to bed. 

Bucky was nervous, and after his chat with you, called Ayo. She was pleased to hear he had decided to help you out, but understood that Bucky might need to hear some supporting words.

He asked Ayo what the best course of action would be, as you had gone through a different program than him. So he had no idea really where to start....

To Bucky’s surprise, Ayo had send over a file to the lab with more insights regarding your programming. Of course he asked where she got it from, and the only thing she shared was that it didn’t matter. Not wanting to rub Ayo the wrong way, Bucky left it at that, but wasn’t 100% comfortable with the document.

He had picked up the folder from the lab after his call with Ayo, and took it back to his room. To nervous to get sleep, he thought it would be better to stay active than to count down the hours till he would start your procedure.

The folder contained a breakdown of all the torture you had gone through, and the techniques Hydra had used to program you. Reading throught the pieces of paper made Bucky’s skin crawl. 

Hydra had definitely gone a more violent route in getting you to the point of total obedience. Where Bucky’s mind was wiped via shock therapy, for you it was the use of pain (in the form of extreme torture).

Hydra would push you to the point of almost dying, before taking a step back, and cranking the pain right back up there. He could only imagine how much you would have wished to never wake up, with the things that were described in your file. 

Feeling sick to his stomach, Bucky lay the folder on the table and leaned back into his chair. This was going to be more difficult than he thought it was going to be.

It was the middle of the night, and he should get at least an hour of sleep.... but the words from the file were burned on his retinas. A soft knocking could be heard, and Bucky looked up surprised. Everyone should be asleep by now.

‘Buck...you awake?’ A voice asked from the other side of the bedroom door. It was Steve. Bucky sighed.

‘Yeah’, after which Steve opened the door. He walked in, closed the door behind him and walked over to the table Bucky was sitting at. He saw the folder laying in front of his friend and frowned. 

‘So... I’m guessing you read the file?’ Steve sat down on the chair next to Bucky and leaned his arms on the table.

‘Yeah’, Bucky said while staring at the folder. 

‘You read it?’

Steve nodded. ‘Yeah....wasn’t pretty.’ 

Bucky scoffed. ‘No shit....’. He folded his arms and didn’t look at his friend. 

‘I don’t know if I can help her Steve..... This is way more than I could have anticipated. Fuck....’. 

Steve sighed and patted Bucky on the back. ‘I know it’s bad Buck, but that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. No matter how you look at it, there is always a solution to a problem. No matter how difficult...’.

Bucky scratched his head and turned in his chair to look at Steve. ‘Be honest with me....do you really think we’ll be able to break her sequence?’

Steve frowned and looked away for a moment. ‘You know what I said Buck....I believe we can help her, but I’m not certain whether we will be successful...’

Bucky folded his arms. ‘Okay....and what will happen if we’re not successful?’

Steve looked Bucky in the eyes and swallowed a couple times. ‘We’ll have to detain her till we know what’s best for all parties involved.’

‘So... locking her up like some sort of criminal?’

‘That’s not what I said Buck. At the end of the day, we care about her well being, but we also need to ensure that she’s not a threat to herself or others.’

Steve leaned back into his chair. ‘I really hope it won’t come to that. Hence why we have a big day in a couple hours.’ He pushed his chair backwards and got up.

‘I know you’re nervous and uncertain, but if there’s one person who I believe in most, it’s you bud.’ Steve showed a warm smile.

Bucky didn’t reply but showed an appreciative nod in return. Steve turned around and made his way to the door, and paused for a moment.

‘No matter what happens Buck, I have your back.’ 

Steve sighed and walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

------------------------------------------   

Morning had come and Bucky opened his eyes. After his late night chat with Steve he had falling asleep at the table, instead of the bed. His back felt stiff, but that was to be expected. 

He groaned and stretched his weary body. Today would be the start of, hopefully, getting Y/N one step closer to freedom. Bucky sighed and rubbed his eyes. He felt less nervous than he had yesterday, but he wasn’t as calm has he would have liked...

Definitely not feeling like eating breakfast, he took a quick shower, brushed his teeth and changed his clothes. 

‘Time to go pick up Y/N’, he muttered to himself while walking to the door. Bucky really hoped you didn’t have cold feet and still wanted to continue with the plan.

He walked up to your door and knocked twice....no response. He knocked again, and started to get worried. Had you run away, or worse, had something happen? After hearing no motion coming from the other side of the door, he opened your door. Your room was empty, which made Bucky panick. 

‘Where the hell are you?, he muttered.

Bucky turned around and quickly ran to the lab. If you had escaped the compound, he needed to talk to Steve and Stark about getting you back as soon as possible. To his surprise, when he entered the lab, he saw you standing in the middle of the room while having a conversation with Steve.

Bucky sighed of relieve and felt his anxiety melt away, and walked up to Steve and Y/N.

Steve turned around and welcomed his friend with a smile. ‘Morning Buck! You got some sleep?’

Bucky nodded and scratched his head. ‘Hour I guess....’. 

‘Better than nothing’. Steve responded while patting Bucky on the back. Bucky stared at you with a puzzling expression, which Steve picked up on.

‘Y/N couldn’t really sleep last night, so she spend a few hours in the lab, tinkering with some things. Stark wasn’t too pleased with it, but when she fixed the capacitor for his new glove design.... Let’s just say he sang a different tune after that.’ Steve grinned while throwing a wink at you, which you ignored.

‘I heard that!’ Stark growled while typing on his computer. 

You shrugged your shoulders while staring at Bucky, almost to say ‘’I didn’t run if that’s what you were thinking’’. 

He could see that you were tired and your eyes were clouded with fear. If people didn’t know better, they’d think you were completely fine in this moment and wouldn’t observe your distress. Steve certainly didn’t notice your state of mind, but Bucky did. 

Bucky walked up to you and gave you a small smile of support. You nodded and folded your arms. ‘Still want to go through with it?’, he asked in a hushed voice.

You nodded. ‘No turning back now’, you whispered back. 

Pride showing across his face due to the progress you had made, Bucky turned his attention to the other soldier in the room. ‘Steve, is the room prepped?’

Cap turned around as he was talking to Stark. ‘Uh yeah... we got all preparations in place. But Buck....are you sure?’

Bucky turned serious. ‘There is no other way Steve...’

Steve nodded but showed uncertainty in his eyes. Bucky had briefed both him and Stark about the plan. While Steve didn’t like it at first, after reading your file, it made more sense to him. But he was worried about the impact it would have on his friend.

Bucky didn’t give him much time to object. He instructed both men on what he needed and asked for Starks corner office. Which Tony objected to, but after Steve, being his charming self, once again eased the tension between both men, Stark gave in. But not without having Bucky explain why he needed that specific room.

Bucky wanted a room which was easy to observe from the lab, but also allowed them to lock it down when something went wrong. The corner office was ideal for this as all walls were made of thick reinforced glass. Even the Hulk wouldn’t be able to escape out of that room if he tried. 

As Tony would be keeping track of your vitals, it made sense to have the process happen in his corner office. It was that or risk damaging the lab if the procedure went downhill. 

Bucky nodded to Steve to thank him, and turned his attention back to you. He wanted to make sure you understood fully what was about to happen. There would be no more secrets between you, and because this was a very sensitive matter, he wanted to ensure you knew what to expect. 

‘Before we start, I want to uh... you know... walk you through what we’re going to do.’

You nodded and waited for Bucky to continue.

‘Okay... So.. We were able to obtain a folder which encloses your programming. Everything that Hydra has done to you is recorded in this particular file.’

Your eyes grew wide, and you thought back to the red book. ‘Is....is it the red book?’

Bucky shook his head. ‘It’s not the original one, but everything in that book is also in the folder we possess.’  

‘Who gave it to you?’

‘Ayo’. 

‘You trust her sources?’

‘Yes’. 

You clenched your fists. ‘Who else could have access to the file?’

‘Ayo assured me that it was safe. You don’t have to worry about it being leaked outside of Hydra. Besides, when we finish the procedure, no one will be able to control you against your will ever again.’

You looked up at Bucky and saw his blue orbs staring at you. It made you feel a bit more at ease.

‘Okay....continue’, you said while folding your arms again.

Bucky walked you throught the whole plan. Hydra had used pain and torture to program you, instead of the mind wiping they used on Bucky. So, in order to get to the core of the trigger sequence, they would have to inflict pain on you. Just enough so you entered a trance-like state, where they could destroy the words one by one.

Once you were in that trance, Stark would work his magic from within the lab, and follow Shuri’s instructions on how to break the word connections. 

It wasn’t without risks though, as too much pain and pressure could trigger your ‘’self defense’’ state (as what had happened in the lab). Or worse, it could shatter your mind all over again. And if Stark made a mistake, he could delete parts of your personality and memories forever.

You started to pace throught he lab while processing everything Bucky had told you about the plan. It sounded insane at first, but when you gave it 10 minutes, it started to make more sense. If this was the only way to directly attack the sequence instilled inside you, so be it.

Bucky was slightly worried when you hadn’t said anything. ‘You okay?’

You stopped pacing and turned toward Bucky with a nod. ‘Does that mean you understand what we have to do?’, he asked. 

‘Yes’.

‘Do you have questions or concerns? If I see you can’t handle it, or you tell me so, we’ll shut it down immediately.’ 

You shook your head. ‘Promise me one thing.....don’t go soft on me.’

Bucky stared in surprise, but you quickly explained why you said what you said. ‘My pain tolerance is extremely high. And I know you don’t want to hurt me. But this time, don’t hold back.... please.’

Bucky swallowed the objection he wanted to raise and nodded. ‘Fine.’

‘Let’s get started’. 

----------------------

Bucky guided you to the corner office in the lab. All the normal pieces of furniture were removed and there was now a metal table with instruments, a table with metal bindings, and the glass walls had been altered. From the outside you were able to see everything, but inside the room, you were not able to see out (you would see black tinted walls). 

You looked around the room and observed the instruments layed out on the tray on top of the table. Pretty standards stuff for torture purposes. Staring at the table with bindings, you started to feel a slight spike of panic rushing through your veins. Bucky noticed and softly squished your hand. 

‘It will all be okay’, he whispered. 

He let go of your hand and walked over to the monitor attached to the wall. He tapped a few things on the screen and Starks voice boomed through the room. 

‘Y/N, walk over to the table and Bucky will attach the pads I need to keep track of your vitals. There are cameras in all corners of the room, so we are able to see everything on the screens in the lab. We want to make sure you’re safe, so don’t worry okay?’ 

Tony didn’t sound like his usual self. Not an ounce of confidence was present when he spoke over the speaker. Even he felt the pressure in this moment.

You took a deep breath and walked over to the table where Bucky was waiting for you. He nodded to lay down on the table and he started to fasten the metal clamps around your torso, arms and legs.

Clenching your fists you stared at the ceiling, while calming down your nerves. You repeated to yourself that everything would be okay. Bucky was going to help you and nothing bad would happen.

Bucky’s finished attaching the pads across your body and head for vital readings, and checked the monitor to see if he attached them properly.

‘Do you get the readings Stark? He asked while walking over to the monitor. 

‘Yeah, looks good.’

Bucky’s right hand was trembling but he made sure to hide this from your sight. He had focused so hard on making sure you were okay, that he had not taken a moment to check in with himself. 

Inside this room, he would have to do things he would hate himself for, but it was the only way to help you. He would have to embody someone he claimed was gone. Bucky was scared that he would hurt you too much, breaking the last remaining trust you had in him. But it was as if you knew where his mind was at.

‘Bucky...I trust you’. You said firmly while staring at him. He turned around and stared into your eyes. 

A sad grin showed on his face. ‘I know’, he muttered while walking over to you.

‘Don’t go easy on me’, you said with determination burning in your eyes. 

Bucky swallowed and nodded. ‘I will try my best.’

‘Don’t let them into the room, no matter how bad it gets’, you whispered.

Bucky nodded and grabbed a rubber mouth piece from his pocket. You opened your mouth and he put the protector in between your teeth.

He touched your cheek softly before walking back to the monitor screen. He typed in a code which locked the door to the room from the inside, without alerting the party in the lab.

‘Ready when you are Buck’, a voice spoke throught he speaker. It was Steve. 

With one last deep breath, Bucky closed his eyes. Time to break that fucking sequence. He opened his eyes and all the doubt, fear and nerves were washed away. 

His eyes were focused and cold, the spirit of the Winter Soldier was back. 

-------------------------------------------- 

Bucky typed a code on the monitor and metal pins, hidden in the metal clamps of your bindings, burried themselves into your skin. You could feel the metal pins pierce your flesh, but it didn’t hurt. The table moved from a horizontal position to a vertical one, so you were upright instead of laying down. 

Raising the bar on the screen, the pins started to emit a high voltage of electricity, which soared through your body. You started to twitch and shake, but didn’t scream. Bucky pushed the bar to its absolute max, and this sudden change made you scream out in pain. The current voltage that was pushed out would kill a normal man ten times over. You weren’t surprised if your skin would burn off.

Your head started to bounce back and forth against the metal table, while you screamed with the protector piece in your mouth. Bucky walked up to you and pushed your head against the table with force, and made you focus on him. 

His eyes were emotionless and there was no sign of Bucky anywhere. You locked your eyes with his and focussed the best you could on his blue orbs. 

Bucky attached the head binder across your forhead, which would stop you from moving your head freely. And they needed the head contraption also to connect Stark’s computer to your brain, which was the most important step of the plan.

Tiny pins burried itself into your scalp, ensuring that the electric impulses send via Tony’s computer would connect to your brain.

Your limbs were tense and you pushed against the bindings. Your mind started to pulsate and your vision became shaky. 

Everything inside your body was deperate to escape the torture, wanting to attack the source. But you had to push those impulses away. There was no way that you would give up that easily. No matter what would happen, you would let no pain stand between you and your freedom. 

Your screaming became less drastic than it has been a couple minutes ago, and this made Bucky know that your body was starting to get used to the source of pain. Which was a bad thing, because they had to hit your tolerance ceiling just right for your mind to go into a trance. 

Bucky grabbed a knife from the tray and started to twist the knife into the tissue between your right upper leg and prosthetic. This tissue was your weakspot. You jolted against the bindings and you screamed from the top of your lungs. He pushed the knife deeper in and let it sit there, while grabbing more instruments from the table to stab you with.

The knife stopped the majority of the bleeding, but blood still ran down your leg. The room started to look more and more like a horror scene with each passing minute. Steve looked in horror at the screen, uncertain whether this was what you had agreed on with Bucky. 

He began focussing on the tissue between your upper arms and prosthetics. Twisting sharp instruments into the flesh, while blood dripped onto the table and floor. Your eyes started to role into their sockets, and the veins in your neck and forhead looked like they would pop at any moment.

Foam started to form around your mouth, and concern erupted inside the lab.

Bucky slapped you across the face to check up on you, and he saw that you were close to breaking. Just a little more and Stark would be able to access the sequence.

‘Steve....Isn’t Bucky going a bit far? He’s literally torturing Y/N!?’ Starks eyes were filled with terror while he looked at the screen. He felt sick to his stomach and definitely did NOT agree to this degree of torture.

Cap stood frozen in place while he stared at the scene unfolding on the screen. That wasn’t his friend inside that room, but someone he thought was long gone. Something was wrong!

Steve slammed on the monitor to enable communication with the people insight the corner office.

‘Buck...BUCK THAT’S ENOUGH! YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HER!’

Bucky didn’t budge nor acknowledged Steve, and kept inflicting pain on you. Your blood dripped from his hands and a pool of red started to form below the table.

‘GOD DAMMIT!’ Steve screamed while running up to the office door. He tried to open it, but the room was locked. 

‘STARK!!! The door is locked! OPEN IT!’

Tony typed somes codes into the computer but came up empty. ‘I CAN’T CAP! BUCKY HAS OVERRIDDEN THE SYSTEM!’ Stark said in panic. 

‘FUCK!’ Steve banged his fists on the door. ‘BUCKY....BUCKY LISTEN TO ME! STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU WON’T FORGIVE YOURSELF IF YOU GO TOO FAR!’

Steve ran back to where his shield was laying on a table, and he used it to bash in the glass. But it didn’t even leave a dent. Annoyed by the commotion happening outside the room, Bucky decided to chime in.

‘NO! WE’RE ALMOST THERE! Bucky screamed back, which made Steve flinch.

‘MAKE SURE STARK IS READY TO ACT ON HIS SIDE OF THE PLAN!’

‘TRUST ME’, he growled.

Steve was terrified, but had promised to have Bucky’s back no matter what. He looked at Stark. ‘Are you ready Tony?’

Stark was in a daze while his hands were hoovering above his keyboard. ‘STARK!’ Steve yelled, which helped Tony snap out of it.

‘Ye...YEAH! I’M READY!’ 

‘Tony’s ready Buck!’

This was a fucked up situation, and Steve didn’t like any of it. But this might be the only change they would get at accessing your trigger sequence.

Bucky grabbed the knife hanging from his belt and teared throught the flesh around your stomach.

You screamed so loudly, that it sounded like you were about to die. The screaming stopped soon after and you became like a ragdoll.

‘NOW STARK!’ Bucky yelled through the speaker. 

Tony typed like a crazy person on his keyboard, and a map of your mind became visible on the screen. Shuri told him that he would have 3 minutes to find the sequence triggers and delete them. There was no room for mistakes. Every second counted, and exceeding the 3 minute mark would cause irreversible damage to your mind.

Sweat dripped off his nose while he typed codes on the computer to find his target. Where the fuck was it?!

45 seconds gone, and still nothing. ‘You go this Tony’, Steve said in a supportive tone. 

‘FUCK!’ Stark yelled while staring at the screen. ‘Where is it?!

1 minute has passed, Jarvis announced. ‘SHUT UP!’ Tony grunted.

The ECG readings started to flash red and an alarm went off. If they didn’t hurry, you would go into shock. 

Bucky stood next to your lifeless body and held on to your hand. He was trembling and he had trouble breathing. He didn’t believe in a god, but if there was someone who watched over you, he begged them to help you. 

2 minutes have passed, Jarvis announced. Not having the luxury of time to insult the persistent AI, Tony kept searching for the trigger sequence. 

Shuri had walked him through the practise multiple times, but actually having to do it in real life, with a time limit attached to it was a whole other beast. 

Doubt started to creep in. What if he wasn’t able to find the sequence in time? 

‘Don’t stop Tony, I know you can do it!’ Steve said while clenching his fists. Stark was the only one that could find and destroy the sequence, and Cap had faith in his friend to succeed.  

Your body started to shake violently, and you were going into cardiac arrest. Bucky panicked and his screams of despair echoed throught the room. He knew there wasn’t much time left before he had to act.

Shuri had send over a serum which would help you return to the land of the living, if things went south. But she couldn’t promise for certain that it would work. The longer they waited, the higher the risk of failure was. 

Bucky clenched the injection tightly in his right hand, and looked at the count down number on the monitor. 

30 seconds left, Jarvis announced. 

Everything around Bucky started to spin, and he felt like dying. If this was all for nothing, he would never forgive himself for the pain he had to put you through.

Stark became desperate, but suddenly he had a hit. ‘THERE!’ He yelled while typing in the codes Shuri had given him.

The codes would help eliminate the synapse (connection) between the neurons that housed the trigger sequence (transmitter), and the axons (thin strands) who delivered it to the neurons who acted as the receiver. 

If this connection was severed, it would make the sequence useless. The sequence would simply become words to the host, instead of a programmed order with action attached. 

The codes loaded into the system, and started to attack the synapse to silence the transmitters.

‘Stark, how much longer?! Steve asked.

‘5....4....3...2...1....NOW, BUCKY HIT HER!!’

Bucky plunged the syringe with the serum into your chest and pushed the plunger down. Your eyes sprang open and you screamed. Bucky fell backwards and landed on the floor. So much adrenaline was pumping through him that he was shaking all over. 

Steve himself buckled against the office door, while Stark just stood frozen behind his screen, staring at the words that popped up. 

‘‘Upload complete’‘

 But.... did it work?      

-----------------------------------

Tags: 

@vicmc624 

@psychadelichues

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x #steve rodgers x you #steve x reader #steve rodgers #tony stark x reader #tony stark

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 16

*Warnings: some light swearing, torture, blood, trauma, knife*

Long one, sorry!

Part 17

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Your sleep was restless and filled with flashes and sounds from the past. You couldn’t register most of it, as everything was extremely blurry and loud. It was as if you were sucked into a black hole, where you were exposed to distant memories in hyper speed.

You screamed as loud as you could, but your voice was nothing more than a whisper compared to the agressive intrusion of images and distant noise.

Would you ever be able to get out of this hell your mind had created for itself? Letting go of the need to take control of the situation, you let your body free fall down the rabbid hole of your past.

All the impulses were so overwhelming, that it felt like your eyes were going to melt right out of their sockets. You closed your eyes to try and protect yourself from the sensation, and after a while there was nothing but white noise. It was tranquil and almost hold something of beauty. If only you could feel this serene all the time...

-NIGHTMARE-

Suddenly, you felt a shock erupt through your body which made you open your eyes. You found yourself inside a Hydra prison cell, laying on the floor, while staring at the ceiling.

How did you know it was a Hydra prison cell? After spending a long time in one, you would never forget the smell of mold and blood, heavy in the air. Or the unmistakable humming of the overhead lights, which you had falling asleep with on the ‘’’better’’ days inside that man-made hell.

From the cell next to yours, you could hear something moving with the addition of a voice. It made you feel uneasy, not knowing who was in the room with you, but you were in no condition to do anything about it really.

‘Y/N? You awake?’

Your whole body felt like it had been overrun by a truck ten times over. And when you looked down to observe your body, it looked as bad as it felt.

Bloody bandages everywhere and excruciating pain in your right leg. Half of your leg was gone, as Hydra had tortured your limb to the point where it was pointless to keep it.

You still had your flesh arms, but they looked like it would have been a kinder fate to just rip them off. The smell of burned flesh entered your nose and you wanted to vomit.

While you were able to move your arms slightly, you noticed that you couldnt feel your lower arms any longer. They were moving because your brain knew how to do so, but not in a way that looked natural.

The bones had been broken so many times that they had grown in awkward directions. You had no idea how you were still physically able to move them, even if you couldn’t feel them, but you knew it wouldn’t be long before the same fate would befall them as had your right leg.

The voice softly spoke your name again which made you turn your attention to the stranger.

‘Y/N, please answer me...’ The voice sounded sad and weakened. You did your best to turn sideways so you could look into the other cell.

‘I’m... awake’, you responded with difficulty.

Your throat felt like acid had been poured down it and your voice sounded weird. You didn’t even know whether it was the right move to make, considering you didn’t know who you were talking to. But something within told you that it was okay to trust the stranger.  

A sigh of relief could be heared from the other cell. ‘I’m sorry...I’m so sorry...’

You could hear a soft whimpering sound. While grunting in pain, you shimmered yourself closer to the cell bars, hoping to see the face that belonged to the voice.

From the build you could observe that it was a man. He was laying on the floor with his back towards you. 

‘W..what for?’, you asked with slight confusion in your hoarse voice.

Why would the stranger apologize to you, when you had no idea what he could have possibily done in his situation? He didn’t seem like the person that could have injured you as he was a prisoner himself....minus the bloody bandages and fucked up limbs.

You could see the man’s body shaking ever so slightly while he cried. He held onto himself, with his arms tightly locked around his torso.

You were definitely not in your right mind that you cared for a random man, crying in his prison cell, while you yourself looked like a broken build-a-bear project.

‘Can you.... look at me?’

The man fell silent for a moment and coughed a couple times. He seemed hesitant to turn around, but after a couple more coughs and sniffing of his nose, he complied.

Slowly, he rolled himself on his back and then on his side to face you. You could see his bloodshot eyes and tears that were dripping down his face. His nose was red and slightly bloated.

Dirt and dust was spread all over his face, and you could see patches of dried up blood here and there. His brown hair was messy and his clothes were ripped at random places. Around his neck you spotted dog tags, which made you realize that he must be a soldier. No idea from what regiment though....

Even if he looked the way he did, you couldn’t miss his piercing blue eyes. The man stared at you and whimpered softly, like he was in pain. Your heart cried out for the stranger and it felt like you had some sort of bond with the man.

‘T..they h...hurt y..you...’, the man whispered while trying to hold back more tears.

You felt the strong urge to comfort the stranger. To tell him that everything was okay and that you could handle it. You would protect him as long as you could still breathe air into your lungs.

It was as if your brain operated on auto pilot. You had no control and took the back seat in the situation you had found yourself in. Almost as if you were a spectator to the scene playing out between the two prisoners.

‘N.no...they didn’t’, you responded back while swallowing a couple times. You hoped that you could hydrate your throat with some of your saliva. But your mouth was so dry that it felt like you were swallowing hot air and dust.

The man stopped sobbing and looked into your eyes. His blue orbs were piercing through you, as if he was staring directly into your soul.

‘You’re a terrible liar. I can ...can see you’re in pain’. He wiped away some of the stray tears and took a few deep breaths to calm down.

‘Nothing I can’t handle’, you said with a broken smile.

The man moved his body against the wall that separated you, and stuck his hand through. His dog tags clanked against the metal bars, and while it was difficult, you managed to read part of it. ‘’James’’.  

James carefully stroked your cheek with his thumb, while observing you closely. He didn’t want to risk adding to the pain you were already in.

‘I ... I begged them to take me... but they wouldn’t listen.’ His voice was broken and his eyes were full of sorrow and regret.

‘I know...’, you whispered. ‘But as long as they hurt me.. you’re safe...James’.

As flash combined with pain entered your vision and all of a sudden you were in a dimly lit room. You were tied down to a table which was in an upright position.

Both your lower arms were gone, in the same way as you were missing your lower right leg. Your head was thumping and blood dripped from it, as if someone had hit you with a blunt object

A doctor walked up to you with a sinister smile. ‘Ah...I can see you still have some..spark left in you.’ The doctor said with a foreign accent.

He put down the wooden batton he was holding, and stared at you with almost a sense of pride. As if he was admiring his bloodied masterpiece which was hanging against their leather bindings.  

‘Let me guess....that spark is linked to Sergant Barnes...no?’

Your body froze and you clenched your jaw. ‘Oh...what a beautiful expression you have. So brave....so....vicious...so....pathetic.’

The doctor grabbed a metal stick from a table next to you and hit you a couple times. You screamed out in pain and glared at the doctor.

‘Yes....that’s what I want to see....hate...despair.’ The doctor threw the metal stick on the ground and closed the distance between you. He forcefully grabbed your face to make you look at him.

‘I knew that Sergant Barnes was undermining our progress with you...So there was only one logical solution...’ Your eyes grew wide.

‘Yeeeees...that’s right.’ He pressed his lips against your ear and you could feel his horrific breath bouncing off it.

‘Sergant Barnes is...dead.’

You felt all the air in your lungs evaporate. Your body started to shake and you shook your head over and over again. ‘N....no’, you murmured.

‘You need proof?’

The doctor moved a step back and grabbed something from his coat pocket. He unraffeled the object and held it up in front of you. It was a chain with dog tags attached to it. On it was the name of Sergant Barnes and the tags were covered with blood.

‘Do you want to see his dead body?’, the doctor said with glee.

You couldn’t breathe and felt like your chest would cave in on itself. The doctor laughed, looking at your pathetic state, as he coated his fingers with some of the fresh blood still present on the dog tags.

‘You should have heard him scream...It was...magical’, he spoke when he started to smear the blood across your face.

You started to scream and tried moving away from the doctor, but your restraints didn’t allow for much movement.

‘You failed him’, the doctor whispered and threw the dog tags at your feet. ‘He called out for you...begging you to help him.’

The doctor embraced himself, as if he was overtaken with vigour which he tried to contain. ‘The look of betrayal and pain on his face was truly a marvel to behold.’

Pressure inside your head building, James’s face flashed before you. You screamed from the top of your lungs while tears streamed down your face.

You couldn’t fight it any longer. There was no point in trying as the only person who helped you through this hell was gone. And then.... SNAP...

Your body became limb and rested against the restraints. Your breathing was slow and your eyes were hooded. Hydra had succesfully managed to break your mind.

All that was left was an empty cell.

-END NIGHTMARE-

You screamed and sat up on the bed. Body drenched in sweat you punched the mattress a couple of times.  ‘No!’, you said breathlessly.

‘Who the hell is Bucky?!’ You kicked the blanket away and sat up right. You burried your face against your hands. Why did this ‘‘Bucky’‘ person have the same face as James? It all came rushing back to you, but instead of feeling overwhelmed, it was as if the pieces in your mind started to click.

Bucky has never shared that you both were in the same prison. Hell...that you even knew each other. Anger boiled up and you started to shake because of it. Bucky had lied to you. That son of a bitch LIED!

You pushed yourself up from the bed and felt immediately light headed. You quickly stabalized yourself by holding onto the wall. You clenched your jaw while your brain was burning like a wildfire.

‘Who is he?!’, you growled while trying to put one foot in front of the other. ‘WHO THE HELL IS HE?!’, you yelled while spit escaped from your mouth.

‘Liar...’, you whispered while hitting the wall with force. You had started to trust Bucky, even if everything within you said otherwise. And here you were, the idiot who ONCE AGAIN let herself get betrayed. Whoever this person was who had spend those weeks with you, acting like he cared for you, he could not be trusted. Nor could he be the person from your past, because Hydra told you he had died.

The only thing you could think of was the involvement of Hydra. This compound wasn’t real, and the Avengers weren’t real. They must be fucking foot soldiers of Hydra who they made to look like people from your past.

Bucky must be a new torturing method they wanted to impose on you. Hydra knew that pain wouldn’t work on you any longer. So what better way than to have you lower your guard, make you feel some kind of hope, and then destroy your mind all over again. And most likely, to kill you in the end, when you were weak enough to overpower you.

You were sick and tired of Hydra controlling your life, and you would not sit still and let Hydra fuck with you any longer. If this is how you were going to go out, at least you would go out with as much bloodshed as possible.

Your target was the man who called himself Bucky, made to look like the man from your past, followed by those fake-vengers. 

Perhaps you could get some information out of Bucky as to where the Hydra chain of command was hidding, before you killed him.

Checking up on your leg to make sure it was operational, you knew you had to find a weapon. Even if your prosthetics were in fact weapons on their own, you didn’t want to risk losing against Bucky. So, having a weapon as back up was just to give yourself some peace of mind.

Anger and adrenaline was rushing through you, so whoever valued their live would stay as far away from you as possible.

----------------

You sneaked down the hallway, ensuring not to make a sound. Sure, did you want to scream and run around till you found Bucky, and kill him...yes. But as Bucky was an ex assassin + super soldier himself, it was better to have the element of surprise on your side.

There weren’t a lot of weapons in the compound, that you knew of, but it didn’t matter. All you needed was a knife to make it work. The kitchen should have a knife that could aid you.

Sticking to the wall and staying in the shadows the best you could, you made your way to the kitchen. You could hear some movement coming out of the room, so you paused for a moment to peek around the corner.

Bucky sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. He hadn’t taken a sip from it yet and just stared blankly in front of him. He hadn’t had a wink of sleep last night. The thought of losing you kept popping up, which made his anxiety take over for the night.

He sighed while putting his cup down. ‘Why did I even make coffee...’, he mumbled to himself. Bucky didn’t even feel tired, even though he hadn’t slept. Frustrated at how things had turned out he got up from his chair and walked to the sink to pour out his cup.

The shuffling of feet could be heard and Bucky turned around. He saw you standing in the doorway with your arms tense. You didn’t make eye contact and kept quiet, which made the situation all the more awkward. Should he say something, or should he just leave you be?

Bucky pointed at the pot of coffee, motioning whether you wanted a cup of the brew. You didn’t respond and slowly approached Bucky. He could see that something was off, but he blamed it on what had happened in the lab, and the impact it has had on your mind.

He sighed and threw out the remaining coffee from the pot, having his back turned toward you. This gave you the small window you needed to slip a knife, that was sitting in a knife block on the counter, in your hand.

You walked up to Bucky, ready to strike him in the back, but he turned around the moment you stood close. He looked you in the eyes and gave you a sad expression. This made you feel doubt for just a second, before bringing the knife from behind your back and moving it towards his chest. The second of doubt allowed Bucky to register the knife in your hand, and quickly blocked it with his left hand. 

The knife collided with Bucky’s vibranium hand, and he ripped it away and threw it on the ground. There was shock on his face while he stared at you, not being able to process fully what had just happened. 

He was at a loss for words, nor was he able to understand why you wanted to stab him. If he had responded just a millisecond later than he had, you would have plunged the knife into Bucky’s chest successfully. 

Your hands were shaking slightly but your face showed murderous intent. You stepped backwards and felt behind you for another knife from the block. Bucky saw that this situation was going to escalate if he didn’t do something soon. 

His mind went into overdrive, but the only thing he could come up with was to run. He knew that staying in that cramped kitchen was only going to make it harder to defend himself. And he did not want to accidentily hurt you in the process. Even if you had just tried to stab him, he still did not think that you wanted to kill him on.... purpose at least. There had to be a reason for this aggression coming from you.

He didn’t look behind and ran out of the kitchen. He needed to go to a place with enough space to move around in, and the only place that had that was the gym. Bucky kept running till he arived at the gym. Not wasting any time trying to barricade the door, he quickly threw some machinery and equipment out of the way, and waited for you to arrive through the door. 

Bucky did not want to get Steve involved, as he could only take this the wrong way. Cap would look at this situation and state that Y/N had become out of control and therefore dangerous.

He was confident in his ability to overpower you, and wanted to understand why you tried to stab him. Some sweat dripped down his brow and he took a few deep breaths to calm down his anxiety.

-------

You stared at the knife in your hand. Why was your confidence shaking like a leaf? Bucky was a Hydra pawn, planted here to torment you some more before either, delivering you back to Hydra or to kill you when you lowered your guard?!

The moments you had spend with Bucky flew through your mind. He was so kind to you, and made you feel a little more alive...and human. But he had betrayed your trust. He had kept you in the dark with a reason unknown to you, but it made you not trust him any longer.

Using a knife would be pointless if Bucky was expecting you to attack him. You had to rely on your skills and willpower to win this fight. You bumped your fists against one another, sort of trying to pump yourself up, and you started to make your way into the hallway.

Knowing Bucky, he would not lay in ambush but more likely would have chosen a strategic location, from which he would have a tactical advantage. Where would he be right now? The lab was out, as there would be too much collateral damage, and there weren’t many spots in the factory which allowed space to well...fight. So, the only place that came to might was the gym.

You walked up to the gym door and stopped in front of it for a moment. You took a deep breath and calmed your mind. There was no room for doubt...this would be the moment where you would take back control.

You grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. Bucky stood in the middle of the gym, calm exterior, and no noticible traps set. You walked in and the door closed behind you. Bucky looked up and stared while you made your way over to where he was standing.

Standing face to face with Bucky, you saw that he had a cold expression. The same you had seen when he captured you that evening outside your apartment. It didn’t intimidate you as you mirrored the same expression to him. The only thing Bucky couldn’t hide was the pain within his eyes.

Before you would start attacking him, Bucky needed to hear the reason why. After that he would let you do whatever you wanted to do to him. He wouldn’t fight back and just take it, because there was no way that he could hurt you. Not after everything you and he had gone through. After everything Hydra had done to your lives... no.. He wouldn’t let Hydra have that pleasure.

He swallowed and opened his mouth. ‘Why Y/N...Just tell me why...’

You balled your fists and doubt had melted away. Your mind was filled with hate and aggression towards the man standing in front of you. Bucky noticed the shift in your energy and got ready for a showdown. But not without trying to talk first.

‘Y/N....please calm down.’ Bucky said while moving back some more to create space between himself and the livid super soldier.

‘LIAR...’, you growled and ran up to him to dish out a punch. Bucky tried his best to deflect your fists while making sure not to hurt you in the process, but you nicked his nose.

Blood started to drip down his face and Bucky rubbed his nose to check the damage. Luckily you hadn’t broken his nose, but the gash was severe enough to bleed. You kept dishing out punches and kicks aimed at Bucky, which he deflected the best he could.

‘LIAR!’ You yelled again and threw one final hit at Bucky which he blocked with his left hand. Bucky hold on to your fist and when you wanted to hit him with the other, he grabbed your other hand also.

You were both locked down into a staring contest. Bucky’s eyes weren’t filled with hate or horror, but with sorrow and pain.

‘I’m not a liar’, he growled while tightening his grip around your fists.

Your face was filled with anger and you shook your head, while you tried to release your hands from his grip. ‘Why....WHY are you wearing his face!?’

Regaining part of your energy you tried to kick Bucky, but he swiftly swiped your leg and pushed you against the ground. He sat on top of you and held on to your wrists.

‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!’, he yelled. Bucky had tried to stay calm, but even he had a limit. And that limit had been reached, so he couldn’t do anything but scream in frustration at you.

You struggled against Bucky’s grip and glared at him. ‘HE DIED!’, you yelled back while trying to push yourself upwards.

Bucky quickly pushed you back down and looked at your with worry. He didn’t get what you were talking about, untill a bell went of inside his head. You must have remembered something. And from the way you were acting right now, it would not bode well for him to keep you in the dark any longer.

‘Who died?!’, he asked while a mixture of sweat and blood was starting to drip down his nose. You might be smaller than him but you were strong enough to keep him on his toes.

You growled and started to squirm.

‘WHO DIED!?’, Bucky growled while staring at you. ‘ANSWER ME!’

You looked back into his blue eyes and grinded your teeth.

‘JAMES!’, you spat at Bucky.

Bucky sighed and increased the grip on your wrists. The sound of metal squeaking ringed through the gym. He knew that he couldn’t keep it a secret any longer and felt a lump in his throat. The only thing he could hope for was that you’d believe him.

‘James is no longer here..... But I survived.’, he said while loosening the grip on your wrists. He tightened his jaw and stared into your eyes.

‘My....My name is James ‘’Bucky’’ Barnes.’ He moved his hand toward his t-shirt and from the top pulled out his dog tags. It were the dog tags you had seen in the Hydra Prison, the ones covered in blood. ‘James was the name I went by before my life got destroyed by Hydra.’

Your eyes went wide and your quickly pushed Bucky backwards and climbed on top of him. He lay down without objection and stared at you with sadness in his eyes. You punched him in the face a couple times, but Bucky didn’t stop you. He just lay on the floor and would take whatever you felt was necessary to feel relieve.

You screamed while moving your right arm back, ready to hit him again. Bucky smiled at you, while his face was covered in bruises and blood...which you had inflicted on him.

Instead of hitting him, you hit the ground next to Bucky’s head. Out of breath and shaking, you stared at the man laying underneath you. His eyebrow had a cut, there was blood and bruising on his cheek, nose and upper lip, but he didn’t move out of the way.  

Bucky kept staring at you and kept showing a smile. It was a grim picture as blood was dripping down his face. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

‘PARAMUS’, he spoke softly while reaching out with his right hand to stroke your cheek. The same gesture you had seen in your dreams inside that Hydra prison cell, where James tried to comfort you through your pain.

Your eyes went wide once more and your heart started to beat like crazy. It couldn’t be. There was no way that Hydra would know about your secret code word.

‘P..pa..’. You fell backwards on the ground and could only stare at Bucky, terrified. No words came out of your mouth and your vision started to blur slightly. 

‘N..no.. not p..poss..possible’. You trembled.

There was only one person in the entire world that knew that word, and that person was dead. It had all come back to you when you woke up from that nightmare. 

But this time it was not followed up by horific pain inside your head. It was as if a dusty old black and grey photo on your nightstand, all of a sudden was filled with color and clearness. It was for the first time in your life on the run that your mind didn’t play trick on you, but actually showed you the truth. Puzzle pieces fell into place with such ease, that if you thought about it too long, it would scare you. 

You started to feel even more frightened and moved away from the man you thought was an imposter. Bucky saw the fear in your eyes and crawled over to you. The only thing you could do was shake your head vigorously while trying to keep him away from you.

‘Please....d.. don’t push me away’, Bucky said with a trembling voice of sorrow.

‘I....I know it’s late...b...but I’m here know.’ A tear rolled down his cheek.

Bucky grabbed your hand and pushed your palm against his cheek. He softly hummed something you recognized. Inside the prison, Bucky... James... (your mind was confused) would sometimes hum it to you. You remembered.

He had told you it was his favorite song, and that he would love to dance with you to it. It was the first thing he wanted to do with you when you would manage to escape together from Hydra.  

Bucky closed his eyes for a moment to gather all the courage he could find. He looked at you and stroked your cheek some more, while tears started to stream down his face.

‘I promised that I would save you from Hydra. And that is exactly what I’m going to do.’  

Your ears were ringing and the world stood still for a moment. You stared at Bucky, who was still holding on to your face in a loving way. Tears dripping down his face while his lip quivered.

Speechless and uncertain of anything at this point, you sat frozen in place. All those years of pain and struggle, trying to find a reason to get up in the morning. All alone in the world with no one to turn to.

Countless bodies sprawled on this earth, rotting. All because of you. The blood soaked trails through which you dragged yourself forward, hoping to find a direction to take. The pain you had inflicted on unknowing victims of your murderous capabilities, and the numb feeling that filled your soul for decades.

You let your arms fall next to your body, and you felt more lost than you had ever been. All those years ago, you had given up hope. You had let Hydra win, even though you had promised James that you would never let them get the better of you. But...when you saw his bloodied dog tags dangling from the doctors hand.... It destroyed you.

So convinced that this time that had actually done it. Not just empty words to try and break you, but actually killing the only thing you still cared for. Just to make you obedient.

The realization of James’s death being true was so traumatic, that your mind had locked the memory away. You had completely forgotten about James and the things you had promised each other.

And it was all brought back as if it had never been lost in the first place.

Bucky had calmed down enough to be able to catch his breath. He wiped away his tears and looked at you with hope that you would believe him.

‘D....did you know?’, you asked with a trembling voice.

‘DID YOU KNOW?!’

Bucky lowered his head in shame.

‘Y...Y/N... I...I’m sorry that I didn’t remember sooner. That I didn’t tell you sooner... I didn’t want to keep it from you...but...I wasn’t sure whether you would be able to handle it.’

You shook your head.

‘How could you have kept this from me!? I...I thought you saw me as more than just a broken piece of machinery....’.

Bucky shook his head and wanted to say something, but you cut him off.

‘I trusted you....But in the end you see me as nothing more than being broken.’

Bucky grabbed your hand carefully and made you look at him.

‘Please...you know that’s not true.... You can hate me all you like, hit me as much as you want. Scream at me till your voice gives out. But please..d....don’t push me away.’ His voice started to waiver and he was close to crying again. 

You just stared at Bucky and didn’t know what to think. Here he was, the man with which you had shared extreme trauma. He who supported you the best he could in the situation you were both in. Without him you’d have lost your mind way sooner than you had.

How do you process losing someone you truly cared for, only to forget all about them, and then being confronted with them all over again years later?!

You pulled back your hand and clenched your fist. 

‘Y/N...please..’

Opening your mouth for a moment, nothing came to mind on how to answer to the man which had been you tiny light in the darkness prior. You shook your head and got back on your feet.

Bucky jumped on his feet also and held out his arms, trying to stop you from leaving. ‘Don’t run away, please... Can we talk?’

You looked Bucky in the eyes and shook your head slowly. You almost forgot how to breath for a moment there, so you coughed a couple times. ‘I...I need time to think..’

Bucky stepped forward but you softly pushed him back. ‘Alone.’

It was clear that it hurt Bucky to hear you rather be alone than be with him. But he couldn’t force you to do anything against your will. He let his head hang low and stepped out of the way.

No idea where to go, you just started walking through the building till you found a small nook in the basement. From the looks of it, no one had been here in a long time. So it was perfect to hide away in and allow yourself to think.

You pushed some stuff out of the way and dust danced throught the air. You let yourself slide down on the floor, and you sat in the dark with the humming of machinery to keep you company.

‘He’s alive’, you whispered to yourself.

Something you hadn’t done ever since that day in the Hydra prison, happened....

You cried.

--------------------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 15

*Warnings: some light swearing, torture, blood*

Slightly longer, sorry!

Part 16

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

As Bucky had ‘‘unhinged’‘ (more like destroyed) the doorframe of your room, there was no point in even going there. He thought it would be best that you woke up inside a room that didn’t look like a rhino had tried to exit it. 

Hesitant at first, Bucky decided that he would bring you to his room instead. He opened the door and walked straight to his bed to lay you down.

He exited the room for a moment to enter your room, and grab the blanket he had let you borrow after watching a movie. Bucky could see that you had some kind of attachment to the blanket. It acted as a form of comfort which you had never needed before. 

When you started to feel anxious, you would grab part of the blanket and throw it over your shoulder. You would rest your cheek on it and calm down shortly after.

As you wouldn’t be able to feel the fabric with your metal fingers, it made sense that you used your cheeks to rub against the material. And.... he really liked to think you also kept it close to your face because it smelled like Bucky. 

Everyone has different things that provide them comfort. For him it was his gloves. Inside the compound he didn’t wear them, but if he had to go outside, he would always make sure to put them on. 

He felt more secure and comfortable wearing them than having people stare at his metal hand. Bad circulation was always the lie he would feed strangers who’d ask about his gloves.

When they caught you that evening, Bucky could see that you were wearing gloves also. So perhaps you felt the same way he felt about his own prosthetic arm, and would understand him. Bucky knew it was a part of him, but even if he had grown ‘’accustomed’’ to his metal arm, that didn’t mean he was comfortable with it.

He walked back into his room and put the blanket next to you. Bucky closed the door and sat down on the chair next to his bed.     

Stark had tended to your wound and now it was just a waiting game before you woke up (again). As you’re a super soldier like Bucky and Steve, it wouldn’t take long for your wound to be healed.

Unfortunately, having the serum running through your veins didn’t mean you were invincible to damage. It simply accelerates the healing capabilities of your body and allowed you to run faster, jump higher and take quite a punch.

Prosthetics are just an addition to your skillset which have proven useful at times. While you hated them, they had saved you from tough spots on countless occasions. You can’t recall how many times your prosthetics helped you reflect bullets which would have hit you otherwise.    

You were frowing in your sleep and seemed in pain. Bucky sighed and blamed it on Steve who had walloped you (with too much force) on the head with a pipe... He softly stroked your face, hoping that the gesture would calm you down.

He felt horrible for what had happened, and really hoped this wouldn’t change the way you were acting towards him. Even if you didn’t want to talk to him, as long as he could stay by your side, that was all he wished for.

You started to stir and grabbed Bucky’s hand tightly. You murmurmed something untangible and squished his hand. Bucky whispered to you that you were safe and that everything would be okay. If the situation was different he would have felt his heart skip a beat. But he knew this was not the time to focus on his feelings for you. 

Slowly you started to wake up. Completely out of it, you looked around till you locked eyes with Bucky. He smiled at you and broke the silence. ‘Welcome back’, he whispered.  

He felt a wave of relief that you woke up ‘’normal’’ as he didn’t have the energy (or will) to fight you after the day you’ve both had. While Bucky could see that your eyes were clear, he knew that you must have questions as to what had happened. 

You blinked a couple of times to readjust and noticed that you were holding on to Bucky’s hand. You quickly let go and pushed yourself up, which made you feel dizzy. 

Bucky jumped up from his chair to help you but you waved him off. He sat back into the chair and stared at you while twiddling his thumbs. 

You touched the left side of your head and noticed that there was a bandage patch. It didn’t hurt, but you weren’t that stupid to not realize what had happened. 

‘Wh...who hit me?’, you slurred.

Bucky sighed. 

‘You..you had an....incident... and we...Steve... he hit you on the head with a pipe. I told him to do it. You had activated yourself so you didn’t leave us with much choice.’

You stared at Bucky with a mixture of amazement and surprise. No one had ever knocked you out before, so you didn’t get how Steve was able to accomplish it. 

You scuffed. ‘I wouldn’t let myself get hit that easily...’

Bucky grinned. ‘You didn’t go down easy if that’s what you’re referring to. I had to lock your arms behind your back to make it work.’

You nodded slowly and massaged your forehead. ‘W..what did you mean by activated myself?’

Bucky’s grin disappeared and was replaced by gloom. He filled you in on what happened when you ‘’woke up’’. You let yourself fall back down on the bed and groaned. 

This was absolutely fucking fantastic. Not only didn’t you remember anything that had happened, but now they must think you are extremely unstable and therefore dangerous.

Meaning....they would throw you into a cell and you could kiss your freedom goodbye.  

It had never happened before that you were activated into your alter ego, without the actual usage of the sequence. Throughout the years you had tried to get rid of the sequence trigger on your own, but without success. 

You were never able to finish the sentence without panicking. Your body retaliated against anything you tried to break your life sentence of control. Even while inflicting pain to keep your mind occupied, it didn’t work. After a few months you gave up trying.

You had made peace with the fact that you would never gain control back. So the only thing you could do was making sure that no one alive could use the sequence against you. But this had proven to be more difficult than you first thought.

The higher rank of Hydra commanders covered their tracks well, and rarely came out of hiding. Even the ground troops you murdered your way through had no leads on where they could possibly be.

As long as you kept your distance from the higher rank, you would be safe. 

‘That ever happen to you?’, you inquired while moving your head to the side to look at Bucky.

Bucky shook his head. ‘No...I’ve never activated myself. I don’t know how it happened, but Stark thinks it happened due to the sudden invasion of a memory.’

He folded his hands and stared at the wall behind you.

‘Do...do you remember anything new?’

You took a moment to think but came up blank. ‘No...nothing new. Just the shitty  memories I’ve always had’. 

Bucky sighed but was glad that no new horrors had come to light. In the last couple of hours you had gone through enough shit, so a little peace and quiet was much appreciated.

You noticed that your right leg felt heavier. You looked down and saw that you now had a fully functioning prosthetic, instead of...well..a useless stumb.

You pushed yourself into a sitting position and stared at your right leg with confusion. ‘What the hell?’, you mumbled.

‘Stark...While you were out cold...he started the procedure of reattaching your leg’, Bucky responded. 

‘He thought it was high time for you to be mobile again.’ He left out the part where Stark was still against you helping them. 

Bucky had bothered Stark about the progress on your leg ever since you bonded. He thought it was weird that Stark was taking that long to work on the prosthetic. 

While at first he believed it when Tony told him that it was an intricate process and that he would need time, after a month, Bucky didn’t buy it any longer.

After a massive fallout, Stark told him how he truly felt about helping you and how, while he wasn’t lying about the complexity, he might have worked slower than needed. Bucky was furious but Steve quickly jumped in to ease the tension between his team mates.

Bucky warned Stark that if he didn’t finish your prosthetic soon, he would trash the lab. Stark yelled at him for being a spoiled child, but Steve took Stark aside and talked it over with him. Steve must have said something that stuck with Tony, because he finally finished your prosthetic and was even so ‘’kind’’ to reattach it.  

You slowly moved your right leg a couple times to check whether it worked properly. You had to hand it to Stark, he knew his craft. Your new prosthetic felt way better than your Hydra one. Likely because Stark actually cared about the leg being comfortable also, instead of just being practical. 

‘Do you need anything... Maybe a glass of water?’, Bucky asked while staying seated on his chair. 

His hands were resting on his lap and he looked at you with compassion. He was happy that you were talking comfortably with him, like you had done in the previous weeks. So the incident had not hindered or dented your bond.

You shook your head. You had no idea why Bucky was able to stay calm, considering what had happened a few hours ago. You had become unstable, for whatever reason managed to activate yourself, tried to attack them.... and here he was....as peaceful as a person could be.

You observed his facial expression and saw no hints of anger, fear or anything malicious. Why? If anything, Bucky should act careful around you, distant even.

No matter what Bucky had made you believe in the last couple of weeks, the doctors were right. You were worthless, a puppet, and you hated yourself for it. The only thing you were good for in this world, was to be ordered around and kill targets.

Why did Bucky have to unlock your emotions, and why the hell was he still so supportive of you? You despised him for it and wanted nothing more than to be left alone. 

Life was less complicated when you couldn’t feel anything, and when you didn’t have to worry about what people thought of you. You hated Hydra and what they’ve made you do, but the only upside was not being able to feel.

After you escaped, you started to relive the horrors and trauma in your sleep. It made you sick at first, but after a while you started to embrace the terror you would encounter in dreams, as it made you feel alive.

It was the fire that motivated you to hunt down Hydra agents, and to kill each and every one you encountered on your journey. Too bad that Hydra started to realise what you were up to... You definitely wanted to kill some more of those bastards before you had to go off radar... 

Now that you had build a bond with Bucky, it was painful and complicated. You didn’t want him to look at you like you were some kind of broken fucking thing. You didn’t need nor wanted his pitty and started to think that staying in the compound had been a mistake. 

Sure, you didn’t have a leg up till now, but if you really wanted to, you could have forced Stark to work faster. Maybe even break into the lab and steal whatever he had build and attach it yourself. 

Bucky had distracted you from the plan to escape and leave in the dead of night. You shouldn’t have let it come this far. Why the hell did you allow him to intrude your mind and fill it with lies and...hope. 

You could feel your heart bleed for something that could never be. There was no possible scenario where you could give into your new found emotions and feelings. You were a killing machine and nothing more. There was no place for you in this world, and you damn well did not deserve happiness after what you had done. 

Even if you didn’t take pleasure in killing people (aside from Hydra agents), you knew it was the only thing you were good at. It was literally what you were designed to do. 

You had tried normal life, but it always ended in disaster. You would snap and hurt someone, scare people when they saw your arms or make them suspicous of your motives. 

Getting a job had always been an issue but you needed the money to get around. In the country side you would work on farms, which was great, but when you were in a city you had to go a different route. 

You weren’t exactly able to walk into a building and ask for a job vacancy, so you stuck to the odd jobs here and there which were posted in the local newspapers.

Bodyguard needed, random deliveries, hitman jobs (which were always a bust because the requester would chicken out) you name it. If it paid in cash, and you didn’t have to waste more than a couple hours, you took it.

Making friends, talking about mundane things, enjoying life, finding love even.... That wasn’t in the cards for you, and Bucky shouldn’t have made you believe that there was a place for you in the greater scheme of things.

A war was errupting inside your head. On the one end there was a small hope that Bucky was right, but this tiny light was slowly being overrun by your inner demons. 

It wouldn’t be long before you would have to run again, and the outcome would be the same. Hydra would find you and you would become their soldier once more. 

Unless you were able to get out of here as soon as possible and disappear off the face of the earth. 

You pulled your legs against your chest and rested your head on your knee. You stayed quiet for a long time while your mind started to wonder. You closed your eyes and felt like you were back in your Hydra prison cell. 

In the first days that Hydra had caught you, they put you in an isolation cell. You hadn’t spoken to or seen another human being in days, and receiving water or food was out of the question.

You were completely desolate and that was exactly what Hydra was after. You didn’t put up a fight when they removed you from the isolation cell, and that is when they started the torture process.

Thinking about giving in to their demands and losing yourself completely, you vaguely remember hearing someone talking to you every once in a while. Was it a man’s voice... yes..maybe? 

The man would tell you stories and try to make you laugh. It was such an alien experience for you as you couldn’t remember anything but pain. Your life pre Hydra had been extinquished, so your memories started inside that Hydra prison cell, all alone. 

You knew that you must have had a life before that, but no matter how hard you tried, you were never able the recollect those memories. So you had given up on trying to find out about your past. 

The man would ease your pain by stroking your cheek. While it didn’t make your injuries magically disappear....it did make you forget for just a moment that you were in hell. 

In that tiny moment of peace, you imagined that you were somewhere else. That you weren’t a monster but a normal human being with an average life, full of hopes and dreams.

You weren’t alone inside the prison and it gave you some new found determination. Hydra was not going to break you that easily. You would rather die than letting them win.

Not being able to remember the persons face or the exact tone of their voice, a name sprung to mind.

‘Y/N?’, Bucky asked when you hadn’t said anything for a while.

You raised your head slowly and didn’t look at Bucky. You were so caught up in the surfacing of the random name you couldn’t place, that you didn’t realize that Bucky was still sitting next to you. 

‘James?’, you mumbled to yourself.

Did he just hear you mumble his old name, or was it just something that sounded the same? Bucky felt like his blood had turned to ice. Now was not the time to be reminiscent of your fucked up history. 

Bucky opened and closed his mouth a couple times, but he had no idea how to go about this. His throat went dry and Bucky was seriously panicking. It was clear that you didn’t notice his presence, so most likely you just mumbled it to yourself.

Should he act like he didn’t hear you properly and change the topic? 

No, it was better to ask what you said than to lie. Bucky was starting to get sick and tired of the secrets between the two of you. If there was someone in this fucked up world he wanted to be completely honest and truthful with....it was you.

‘S..sorry..what?’ Bucky responded while trying to stay calm.

You didn’t register his response immediately, but a couple moments later you looked at Bucky. 

‘What are you still doing here?’, you asked with a weakened voice. You started to feel drowsy and heavy.

Bucky quickly jumped up from his chair to help you lay down. ‘You had a long day Y/N. Get some sleep okay? We’ll talk more tomorrow.’

You waved him away and closed your eyes. ‘James’, you murmered again to yourself before you fell asleep.

Sweat running down the bridge of his nose, Bucky fell back into the chair. ‘Fuck...’, he whispered. 

While he was still angry at Steve for his behavior in the lab, he knew he needed his friend’s help with yet another revelation on the wreck created by Hydra. 

He quietly got up and left you by yourself, closing the door behind him.

-------------------------------

Bucky walked through the hallway and stopped near the end of it. He leaned his back against the wall and softly bounced his head against it. He didn’t care if it would hurt, he just needed to calm down. 

His mind was an absolute fucking mess and he needed to focus. You had clearly murmured his name, and he had no way of knowing whether you had started to remember something. It couldn’t have been a coincidence, that’s for sure.

Bucky stopped banging his head and closed his eyes. ‘Why can’t anything go smoothly when it comes to Y/N. Fuck...fuck....fuck’, he murmured to himself.

He couldn’t blame you for the awkward situation he had found himself in....but he sure wished things would have gone differently.

Why the hell had he forgotten about you in the first place?! 

He spinned on his heels and with his left arm hit the wall. The force made his arm vibrate throughout. If he had remembered you sooner, maybe he could have saved you from a lot of pain.

Bucky gritted his teeth and punched the wall with his flesh arm. The skin on his knuckles split open, and blood started to drip on the floor. He didn’t care and it wouldn’t matter as it would stop bleeding soon enough.

He punched the wall a couple more times to release his pent up frustration. Bucky’s blood was sticking to the brick wall and he sighed. He was scared.

What if you couldn’t forgive him for forgetting about you? He had promised to save you from Hydra, but instead he went on a bender, after which he found self enlightenment. And not one fucking time did your face come to mind.   

Bucky shook his right hand a couple times to get rid of the throbbing sensation, and made his way to the lab. 

‘Fuck....I could really use some of Steve’s resilience right now...’, he growled.

Where Bucky had always been a hit first talk later kind of guy, Steve was the complete opposite. He was always able to keep a cool head and see the bigger picture. 

Bucky envied his friend for it, but knew that sometimes you had to be the bad guy and just start hitting people. He guessed that that was what made them such a strong duo. 

Bucky brought the brawl while Steve was the brains (most of the time). If it was the other way around, it always made Bucky feel giddy when he could annoy Steve with it. 

Oh, the good old days where they were just living their lives. 

So much has happened since then, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sure, the Hydra part he would give up in an heart beat, but the man his best friend had become...He didn’t want to lose that. 

Bucky always saw a leader quality in Steve, even if he didn’t see it that way. His small frame and medical condition made him think that he would never amount to much. Hence why Steve would always end up in a fight somewhere in an alley way, losing. 

He was never able to look the other way when injustice was happening right in front of him. What Steve lacked in confidence, he made up in sheer will power.  

And no matter how many times he saved Steve, Bucky knew that his friend would be able to handle himself. But he just didn’t want to see Steve get hurt more than needed be. And ironically, after all those years of being the big brother figure, it was Steve that saved Bucky from himself in the end. 

He wouldn’t have been able to escape Hydra, much less start building a life for himself it it wasn’t for Steve, and his unconditional support towards Bucky. He was proud of what his friend had accomplished, and that he was now the leader Bucky had always seen within him.

Bucky had to make it up to Steve. The situation in the lab had gone a bit out of hand and he knew that Steve didn’t mean the things he said.  

------------------------  

He slammed the lab door open with force, which caused both Steve and Stark to jolt from surprise. Both men looked at Bucky with a puzzled expression.

‘Buck?’ Steve asked.

‘I’m still angry at you...but...we have a problem.’

Before Steve could respond, Tony decided to barge into the conversation.

‘Another one, how lovely!’, Stark cheered while cleaning up some of the mess in the lab.

‘A wasn’t asking for your bitch ass remarks Stark’! Bucky growled. 

Steve sighed and got up from the couch. 

‘Enough guys, can we please not fight each other right now? I’ve had enough excitement for one day....’. 

Bucky snorted at Stark but nodded. Stark put up his hands in defense and continued gathering reports that were scattered over the floor. 

Steve stared at Bucky’s right hand and saw the blood and raw flesh on his knuckles. ‘What happened there Buck?’, pointing at his bloody hand.

Bucky looked at his hand and shrugged. ‘Had to release some tension....’. 

Not wanting to push him any further on the matter, Steve changed the topic.

‘So...what’s the problem?’ Steve folded his arms and looked at his friend with an tired expression. 

It felt to Steve like he had been stuck on a rollercoaster for hours against his will. How he longed for the boring days in the compound, where the biggest crisis was the coffee running out.

Bucky cleared his throat. ‘You’re still an asshole for what you said, but I really need your help with this.’ Steve saw the worry in Bucks eyes, even though his face was stone cold. 

‘Fair enough. I was, as you said....an asshole, and I apologize for that Buck... really. You can hit me later if you want. But for now, what do you need help with?’ 

Bucky stared at Steve and offered a soft grin. No matter how much shit they had gone through, how many fights they have had, he could never stay angry had his best friend for long.

‘I hold you to that’

‘I would be offended if you didn’t’, Steve grinned after which he turned serious.

‘So..what’s up?’

‘It’s Y/N...She....she said my name.’

Steve frowned and scratched his head. ‘Doesn’t sound like a problem to me Buck?’

Bucky shook his head. ‘Not my name Steve...she said my.... old name... The name of the person who no longer exists....’

Steve showed surprise and walked up to Bucky. ‘Are you telling me she remembers James? I thought we agreed upon not sharing that memory with her till she was stable?!’

‘I didn’t tell her about the memory!! She woke up, asked what had happened, and then she was quiet for a really long time. I didn’t want to force her to talk, but I got worried, so I pulled her out of her daze. That is when she murmured the name...’.

Steve stayed quiet for a moment to contemplate the best course of action. If indeed you had started to remember James, there wasn’t really anything they could do to stop it from happening. 

‘Buck...you have to talk to Y/N about your prior connection.’ Bucky stared at Steve as if the ground had split open and the world was on fire. 

‘What the hell? NO! We agreed that we would only tell her once she’s ready for it!’

‘I know we did, but if she starts to regain that memory on her own, there is nothing we can do to stop Y/N from remembering it. It’s better if you help her through it instead of having her fill in the blanks on her own....’

Bucky moved his hand across his face and sighed. 

‘You really think it will make any difference if she hears it from me? Don’t you think she will be pissed off that I lied to her?’

Steve shook his head. ‘You didn’t even remember her till your nightmare, so if you are just honest with her and explain that you didn’t know till just a couple weeks ago, she might understand.’

‘It’s not that you tried to keep it from her on purpose. She must have noticed how the nightmare had impacted you. Staying in your room all those days, barely eating or talking. I mean... you have to be blind to not know something was going on with you. And didn’t you say that she tried checking in with you?’

Bucky rubbed the scruff on his chin and nodded.

‘Yeah... She did check in and I told her that I wasn’t feeling well and needed some rest.’‘

‘Well there you go. You should start with telling her what was truely going on when you distanced yourself. And after that, you can slowly fill her in on the nightmare you had....and...your prior connection.’

Bucky stared at Steve with fear in his eyes, but Steve gave him a supportive pat on the back.

‘If anyone is capable of saving Y/N...it’s you Buck. Just have faith in yourself.’

Bucky tried to smile, but felt his insides being flipped over like a sunny side up egg on a Sunday morning. 

‘She’s asleep, so I’ll go talk to her when she wakes up. I rather have her get a few hours in before I combust her mind with our secret past.‘

Steve nodded. ‘Fair enough. So....what you say we have a little sparring session in the courtyard?’

Bucky stared had his friend with suspicion. ‘Why?’

‘Why not. We’re waiting around till Y/N wakes up, and I was an asshole to you, remember? So why not kill time with an old fashioned, but friendly, brawl?’ 

Steve winked at Bucky and started to make his way out of the lab.

Bucky sighed. ‘Fine...but I’m not going easy on you. You might have grow bigger, but you’re still that stubborn little guy from Brooklyn who got his ass kicked on a daily basis!’

‘I never asked you for help though.’ Steve chuckled while exiting the lab.

‘Only because you were too proud to ask for any!!’ Bucky yelled back after which he followed Steve out. 

-------------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x #steve rodgers #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers x reader #steve rodgers x y/n #tony stark

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 14

*Warnings: some light swearing*

Slightly longer, sorry!

Part 15

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Stark ran out of the separate office which was located within the lab. He had never heard Bucky scream that panicked before, so he flew out of the corner office as fast as his legs could carry him.

Bucky stood near the door with Y/N in his arms, and Stark thought the worst had occured.

‘WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! DID YOU KILL HER?!’

Stark stopped in front of the soldier and looked with panic. Bucky shook his head while trembling throughout.

‘I....I... I don’t know ..w...what hap...happened...’ Bucky was close to what seemed like crying, which weirded out Stark.

‘Jesus...don’t start crying like a toddler please. I’ve got enough on my plate as is...’ 

Bucked ignored the snarky remark and sniffed his nose a couple times. Stark was great at making people feel annoyed by him, even if they felt like the world was ending. You could say it was a special gift of his. But while he appreciated Stark trying to comfort him, in a really fucking weird way.... it didn’t work. 

His whole body was on fire and fear pulsed through his mind. Whatever had happened, he let you get hurt, and he despised himself for it. He looked down at your limb body and started to feel like he would break down right then and there. 

Stark saw that Bucky was about to lose it and quickly snapped him back to reality.

‘Soldier, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR WEAKNESS! QUICKLY! Put her on the table.... here!’ Stark motioned to the table in the middle of his lab.

Bucky focussed his attention on Stark and started walking to the table. He carefully lay you down on it and stood motionless next to you. 

He was a failure, and now you would never trust him every again, because he got you hurt. Even if he wasn’t the direct cause of it, for Bucky it didn’t matter as he must have been the trigger for it.

‘Give me some space, come on.... You want me to help her right?’ Stark pushed Bucky backwards and started hooking you up to a ECG. 

‘Focus soldier. Can you walk me through what happened leading up to Y/N’s current condition?

Bucky’s mind was absent. His lips started to move but no sound came out. 

‘Bucky.... FOCUS!’ Stark tried to stay calm, but he would not be able to handle two unstable super soldiers at the same time. Bucky didn’t respond. 

Stark walked up to Bucky and slapped him across the face. This pulled Bucky back to the present with a VERY annoyed expression on his face. Normally Stark wouldn’t dare slapping Bucky, but the situation didn’t leave him with much choice. 

‘Good, you’re back. My god, you super soldiers are a pain in the ass sometimes.... Now...TELL me what happened!!.’

Taking a couple of deep breathes, Bucky filled Stark in on what had happened just a moment ago. 

‘A pain you say? Inside her head?’

Bucky nodded. ‘She was screaming so loudly that I panicked.’ He glenched his left fist to stop the tremor in his hand. 

Overall Bucky was able to stay calm under the worst of pressure, but when you were involved, he couldn’t get himself to be composed. The bond he had build with you, plus your shared history, was too intense to ignore his feelings for you. 

Stark processed the information received and immediately thought about intrusive memory recollection. Shuri had warned him a couple years ago that this could happen. It was rare to occur when there was no clear indicator or trigger, but not impossible. 

She was worried that something akin might happen to Bucky during their rehabiliation program, but luckily it never got to that. What Stark perceived as odd was that you had passed out. 

Shuri explained that a patient might feel light headed and confused, leading up to it. There could be a slight pain, but nothing that would overwhelm them. Overall, it would feel to a patient like they were coming down with the flu or something, while simultaneously being stoned. 

And when they had started to feel better, parts of memories would be remembered. Which they would need support with to receive context and where needed talking about it.

Maybe you had started to remember something, in the moment Bucky had described, that was so painful..... your body couldn’t handle it. Literally shutting itself down as some form of damage control? 

But if that was the case, why hadn’t it happen during your previous stay in HQ? There were a ton of triggers over those few month, but you never became unstable. Aggressive sure, but you had never passed out or had a problem with pain. 

Due to the torture you had gone through, your pain tolerance was through the roof, which worried Steve. During your sparring sessions with him, you never once complained that you were hurt. 

It was Steve having to find out the hard way that you were bleeding, or that you were about to break something. After that he never sparred with you again. 

Stark glanced at the ECG readings and saw a slight increase in heart rate, but nothing life treatening. You seemed to breath just fine on your own and there was no need to put you on an IV. 

All looked good, but Stark was hesitant as you laid unconscious on the table in front of him. Was it really just a simple matter of overexertion of, in this case, your mind.... A voice inside his head warned him to be cautious. 

No matter how many times Steve had pleaded to him that you were not hostile, Tony never 100% bought into it. Sure, Bucky had shown that he was stable, but that was a completely different story! He has practically been off the murdering market for years, while you had just freshly rolled out of the factory as the newest kill toy of Hydra. 

‘Okay’. Stark took a deep breath himself. ‘I’m certain she simply passed out due to her brain being over stimulated. I don’t know the exact cause why, but she’s in no danger. She simply needs to rest.’

Stark patted Bucky on the shoulder to comfort him.

‘Go take a walk to calm down. I will call you if anything urgent comes up.’

Bucky stood frozen while looking at your lifeless body. He didn’t want to leave you alone. 

‘Bucky.....There is no point in standing here like a god damn popsicle. You will just be in the way...’ Stark stared at the soldier with annoyance.

He didn’t respond, so Stark softly pushed Bucky backwards again. ‘Go.....I need you to be stable when she wakes up. No point in having two malfunctioning super soldiers running around the compound...’

Bucky glared at Stark, but knew that he didn’t mean it in a hurtful way. Stark had a way with words that Bucky still had to get used to from time to time. He sighed and nodded. 

‘Fine...’, he muttered and walked out of the lab with reluctance.

Stark returned his attention on you. Deciding to choose safety above compassion, Stark strapped you down on the table. Just in case you woke up all of a sudden and wanted to attack him. 

He kept track of your readings, like he promised Bucky, and continued working on your leg. Stark was still against the whole idea of you helping them, and much rather you would leave the compound... But he knew that if the Hydra cell attacked, having all the support they could get would be essential. 

As Tony had no idea how long you would be out cold for, he decided that he would start with the reattachment process of your right leg. He was practically finished with the design of it, so it was high time to start reattaching it to your limb and test it out.

---------------------------

Couple hours passed where you were still unconcious. Stark had fully attached your new prosthetic leg, and was finishing up some of the fine tuning, when you started to stir. 

He looked up and took a step back, not sure how you would respond.

‘Y/N...? You awake?’, he asked softly.

You stirred a bit more and slowly opened your eyes. The light situated above you was blinding, so you tried blocking the lightsource with your hands. As you were still tied down to the table, you weren’t able to move freely, which made you freeze up. Stark quickly moved the light away from your face and repeated his question.

You blinked a couple times and looked around you. You didn’t register where you where and you felt extremely dizzy.  Your whole body was aching and your right leg was throbbing. This made you look down (the best you could) to see that a prosthetic was now attached to your leg.

‘Uh yeah...While you were out cold, I uh... used that time to start reattaching my new prosthetic to your limb. I’m almost done with it, so please lay still while I finish up.’

You laid your head back against the table and tried to focus on whatever you could find around. You had no idea where you were or who was talking to you. Your head hurts and everything moved in slow motion, like you were on a drug. 

A pressure started to build inside your head again and you could feel your mind slipping. Images of the Hydra facility flashed in front of your eyes, and it started to blend in with your ‘’unknown’’ surroundings.   

Stark hold on to your prosthetic leg and pushed the last pin in place. This made you jolt up against your bindings as it was anything but painless. 

Having a high tolerance didn’t mean you couldn’t feel pain. It was a simple matter of where on your body the pain was inflicted. The parts between your prosthetics and your flesh limbs were your biggest weakness.

Stark froze for a moment, but quickly finished up what he needed to do when you didn’t move further. 

‘Done.’ He said with sweat dripping off his face. ‘It took me longer than planned, but this build should be an improvement over the old one.’ Stark grinned.

Fear crept in however when he saw your glazed over eyes. He moved back towards the tools cart and grabbed a wrench. It wouldn’t do much when you’d attack him, but better to have something to defend himself with than nothing. 

You started to push against the leather bindings, which easily broke from the force exerted, and you sat up on the table. You started to move your leg, in a kicking motion. The prosthetic moved smoothly and without discomfort, so you jumped of the table and looked towards Stark. 

Stark hid the wrench behind his back, as he didn’t want to antagonize a super soldier who was clearly about the lose it (or had already lost it). 

‘Y/N..?..Y/N?... Do you recognize me?’, his voice sounded calm, but Stark felt pretty far from serene right now.

He slowly moved towards the door at the back of the lab. It was a shortcut to exit the compound in case of an emergency. You started to walk into Tony’s direction. 

‘Who are you’, you mumbled. 

Terrified by the realization that you had indeed lost it, Stark moved his back flush against the wall. Wrench in hand, he knew it wouldn’t do shit. As you made clear that you didn’t recognize him, Stark had no idea if you would listen to him. 

‘Better to not find myself on the receiving end of your murderous capabilities.....’, he muttered softly.

He carefully pressed the red button next to him, which innitiated a silent alarm to go off inside the compound.

As they wanted the building to stay unnoticed from the outside world, Tony opted for an alarm without sound. Additional red lights turned on and started to blink. 

This would notify the team that there was an emergency, and from where they were in the building, Jarvis would tell the team where the button was pressed ie. where the emergency was. 

‘Y/N...’ Stark said with as much composure as he could muster. He had no idea what to do in this situation and hoped that either Steve or Bucky would arrive soon as back up. 

You stood in front of him like a doll. You didn’t show any signs that you were hostile, but you were scaring the crap out of Tony. Why the hell did he have to be the one stuck in this mess?! 

‘STARK....Stark?!’ A far away voice could be heard. It was Cap.

Steve got closer to the lab and called out for Tony again. ‘In here!’, Stark replied while making sure not to move a muscle or raise his voice too much. 

Cap opened the lab door with Bucky close behind. They didn’t know what they were witnessing, but by the look of terror on Starks face, they knew something wasn’t right.

‘Y/N?’ Steve said while slowly inching his way towards you. You were still standing frozen in front of Stark, not showing a response to his attempt to make you turn around.

The hairs on Bucky’s neck stood up and he tapped Steve on the shoulder. ‘Stay back’, he whispered with a firmness to it. 

‘Buck...do you think...?!’ Steve wasn't sure whether his gut instinct was right, but by the way Bucky looked at him, he didn’t want to finish his sentence. 

‘Staaaay back, now!’ Bucky whispered with urgency. His eyes were focused on you and he moved as if a wild animal was in close proximity to him. 

Sliding past Steve, Bucky stepped forward. ‘Y/N? Do you recognize me?’ 

Bucky was on high alert when you turned around. He could see that you were not yourself right now, and seemed to have been activated? He knew the blank gaze well enough to understand that they had a major problem on their hands.

‘What the hell Stark?!’, he whisper growled at Tony. 

‘Did you activate her?!’ 

‘I didn’t do SHIT!!!’, Stark whispered back. 

‘She has been acting like this ever since she woke up! If she’s activated, she did it by herself!’

‘Bullshit! You can’t activate yourself, I’d know!!’ Bucky growled. 

Tony shrugged his shoulders and stared at Bucky with desperation. ‘Do something......!!’, he whispered. 

Bucky slowly approached you with his hands held in front of him, to show you he wasn’t hostile. ‘Can you focus on me?’, he asked calmly while stopping in front of you.

You looked up at Bucky with a cold exterior. It made Bucky shiver. He hated what he had to do next, but there was no other way to know for sure where your mind was at.

‘Soldat?’

‘Я готов отвечить‘ (Ready to comply)

‘Mission report, current day.’

'November 28th, 1943, target, doctor Baumer... terminated.’

Bucky felt a chill running up his spine. Not only were you activated, but your mind was stuck in the past. 

As Bucky had never seen you as your alter ego, he had no idea how you ‘’operated’’. Was it the same way in which he had been programmed by Hydra, or did those fuckers try out something new? 

November 1943 was the month and year when Hydra had started their experiments on Bucky. And it was also the month in which Steve would rescue him from Zola.  

A month prior, October 1943, was when Hydra soldiers carried you out of your cell. Bucky thought they had either killed or dispossed of you.  

In the time where you were separated from Bucky, they had completed your program. Doctors noticed that your mind was still attached to one thin slither of determination, so they weren’t able to break you completely. 

They soon found out that the culprit for this annoying delay was Sergant Barnes, so they immediately separated you from James, and continued torturing you with success. 

They told you over and over again that Sergant Barnes was dead. Soon after, your mind had completely shattered upon itself, and they could continue with the brainwashing program. 

They kept you as a spare, somewhere in a back room, as Zola believed that Bucky would become the ultimate soldier for their organization. He had the military background and physique to back up this claim, and from the initial experiments it became clear that James was ‘’easier’’ to brainwash than you. 

But they must have wanted to test you out before locking you away, so this doctor Baumer was most likely the guinea pig... and your first victim. 

Bucky clenched his jaw and looked back at Steve. ‘Y/N thinks it’s 1943 Steve....fuck... She must think we’re at a Hydra facility.’

Steve walked up to Bucky and stopped behind him. ‘We have to contain her Buck. We don’t know how long she will listen to you, as she’s activated herself and not by the sequence.’ 

‘I fucking know that!,’ Bucky growled.

‘You think you can control her?’

The glare Bucky threw at Steve made him almost choke on the air he had just inhaled.

‘Sorry!!! Bad choice of words....’, Steve whispered. ‘But you know what I mean...’

Bucky’s was trembling while he tried to breathe steadily. He didn’t want to command you, but if he didn’t do anything, this could escalate. 

They had to shut you down, and the only way to accomplish that was A. freeze you or B. knock you out. 

He thought about using your secret code word, but the situation was too dire to see whether it worked or not. For all he know, Bucky could make it worse, so he decided not to use it.    

‘She’s focussed on me...Steve...you have to do it.’ Bucky motioned to a steel pipe in the corner of the lab.

‘You can’t be serious?!’, Steve whispered. ‘You want me to whack her?!’

‘You got a better idea?!’ Bucky whispered back annoyed. 

‘I will stop her from blocking, so make sure it counts...’

Steve wanted to argue but decided to trust Bucky, and walked over to grab the pipe. He turned around and signaled to Bucky that he was ready. 

‘Soldat, I have a mission for you...’

You stood still and looked straight ahead of you, awaiting your command. Steve walked towards you in a curve, hoping you wouldn’t see him. He held up the pipe and was ready to swing. 

Of course you noticed his movement and turned around to face him, but Bucky quickly locked your arms behind your back. 

*SMACK*

Steve hit you on the side of the head and you passed out, while Bucky kept you from falling to the ground.

Blood dripping from the pipe, Steve immediately let go of the object. You had a gash on the left side of your head which needed urgent tending to. 

‘FUCKING HELL, I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO CRACK HER HEAD OPEN!’ Bucky was furious, while he tried to keep you up right.

‘I'M SORRY! I didn’t mean to hit her that hard!’ Steve said while guilt was being added onto the pile of mistakes he had made concerning you. 

‘Stark! Help us getting her on the table’, Steve pleaded.

‘Try not to break her even further...’ Bucky growled, which ticked off Steve.

‘I SAID I WAS SORRY! Can you relax for a moment Buck, shit. It’s not like I planned to have a face off with an activated Hydra experiment, and hit them over the head with a pipe!’

Bucky looked angry at his friend, but decided to ignore him. It was more important to get you on the table instead of dropping you on the floor.   

Full of adrenaline, Tony ran up to the super soldier trio and helped getting you on the table. ‘We need to tend her wound, you got anything?’, Steve asked.

‘Yeah, should have some stuff in that drawer... over there’. Stark motioned and Steve quickly grabbed some disinfectant, bandages and needle + thread.

‘Can you stitch the wound?’

‘...Y..yeah.’ Tony said with a wavering voice. 

Stark worked on closing up the wound while Steve focussed his attention back on his friend.

‘Buck...you okay?’

Bucky had fallen to his knees after helping getting you on the table. His hands were shaking and he felt like he wanted to vomit. 

‘Buck..! I know you must feel like hell right now, but I need you to stay with us.’

Steve had kneeled down next to his friend and put his hand on his shoulder. They still didn’t know what had caused you to self activate, but it was clear that there was no time to spare to break the sequence. 

As Ayo said, you were a ticking time bomb and far too unstable to risk letting Hydra get their claws in you.

Bucky pushed Steve’s hand away and glared at his friend. He knew that Steve wasn’t to blame for what had happened, but he needed to focus his anger on something. Otherwise he would go ballistic himself. 

‘Ayo was right, we’re running out of time. We need to break her sequence or she will become a threat.’

Bucky growled at Steve and jumped up. ‘SHUT UP!’ His chest was heaving and sweat was dripping down his face. Expression filled with pure anger, it made Steve terrified for a moment.

There was no point in starting a fight, so he had to lead by example... calm and collected.

Steve cleared his throat and kept his distance from Bucky.

‘Okay Buck, I’m sorry okay. I know you’re angry, but us fighting will not help us find a solution to this situation.’

Bucky tensed his jaw and took a deep breath. ‘Fine’, he answered after having calmed down a bit.

Steve nodded. 

‘What do you need to start the process?’

Aaaaaaand the jump in adrenaline was back. 

‘You want me to start the process now?! Are you out of your FUCKING MIND!?’ Buck was fuming with glenched fists and he could feel his insides boil once more. 

‘For god’s sake can you just calm down! We don’t have much time Buck. The situation that we were just in a moment ago made that VERY clear.’ 

‘I don’t want to force this upon you, but the longer we wait, the harder this is going to be. How do you think Y/N will feel if Hydra was to barge in right now, and reclaim her as their prized possession?!’ 

Bucky’s eyes widened after the painfully truth Steve had blurted out. Hydra would have a field day if they could get Y/N back. 

‘We’ll give it a day after she wakes up where you can fill Y/N in on what has happened. But after that...you have to start the process... or.’

‘Or what?!’ Bucky barked at Steve

‘Or....we have to deactivate her.... for good....’ 

--------------------

That last remark of Steve didn’t go down well with Bucky. Inside his mind he was planning on how to kill Steve (even if he would never really enforce it) and knew he had to get as far away from his friend as possible. He wouldn’t want to make a mistake he’d regret soon after.

Stark quickly jumped in between the two friends when he saw how angry Bucky was. He pushed the brown haired ball of fury away from Cap and told him to leave.

He didn’t have to say that twice. Bucky walked up to the table and lifted you into his arms. Not giving another glance at his friend, he carried you out of the lab.

Steve wanted to apologize to Bucky for the uncalled addition to an already burning wildfire of a cluster fuck, but Stark stopped him. 

Steve had never and will never be afraid of Bucky. But when Buck was truly angry, even Steve felt close to being scared. He wanted to kick himself for being such an asshole, but Bucky wasn’t the only one that got swept up into the heat of the moment.

What had just happened wasn’t anything either of them could have anticipated, so it made sense that Cap wasn’t able to control the situation as well as he would have liked...

Steve knew it would be better to give Bucky some space to cool down. He would talk things over with him when Y/N was awake, and Bucky had had a chance to talk to you in private. 

He let himself fall onto Starks couch and pressed both hands against his forhead. His head was killing him and this day had gone from unevenful to absolute shit, as Stark would say.

Tony joined him on the couch and let out a deep sigh. ‘Well...that went terrifically ...wouldn’t you say?’ The scarcasm was clearly meant to try and lighten the mood, but Steve didn’t feel like laughing.

‘This is a serious problem Tony. What are we going to do if Buck can’t help her?’

‘I wouldn’t say that around him if I were you Cap. You saw the way he glared... I honestly thought he was gonne kill you.’

Steve sighed. ‘Yeah, it wasn’t my proudest moment, but I didn’t know what to say...’

‘Well... clearly not that’, Stark remarked, which caused Steve to role his eyes at the eccentric genius sitting next to him on the couch. 

Stark patted Cap on the shoulder and folded his arms. ‘Best thing we CAN do is wait things out. Hopefully when Y/N wakes up she’s stable... After that we’ll discuss our next steps’. Steve nodded and closed his eyes for a moment. 

‘I really hope she won’t become our enemy... I don’t think I’d be able to handle that’, he murmured.

------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624 

@psychadelichues​

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x #bucky barnes #steve rodgers #tony stark #tony stark x reader #steve rodgers x reader

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 13

*Warnings: some light swearing*

Shorter chapter, sorry!

Part 14

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

After his chat with Ayo, Bucky knew he had to come clean to Steve. He was worried about the task that Ayo had entrusted him with, and he could really use the support of his best friend. If Steve was there for him, he knew that everything would be alright. 

He took a deep breath while staying behind in the hallway. He looked into the direction Ayo and Steve had walked off to. ‘Dammit’, he murmured to himself. 

He was relieved that he was finally able to tell someone about his nightmare. But why did Ayo have to throw him a curve ball?

Would he really be capable of breaking the sequence chain that’s controlling you? And even better....would you trust him enough to let him try?  

While walking down the hallway, Bucky could only think of your face. That tiny smile you showed and how it made him feel. Like all the shit that had happened didn’t matter anymore, because he was able to see you smile again. 

Not covered in blood or bruises, trying to make him feel safe. No, this smile was so pure that you didn’t even know you did it.

It didn’t matter that you didn’t remember him. The more Bucky thought about it, the worse the outcome seemed of sharing his memory with you. 

But he yearned for the recognition in your eyes, even if it would be painful. It was a fucked up situation. How can he justify opening a figurative wound, just to have you remember him?

He really hoped that Steve would be able to give him a better perspective on the situation, because Buck was struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

-------------

Bucky waited near the building entrance and observed Ayo and Steve talking. He couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but he could clearly see that something was bothering Steve once Ayo climbed in the plane. 

Still thinking of what Ayo had told him, Steve started walking back towards the building in a daze. He needed to trust Bucky as much as Bucky had trusted him all these years. 

He felt bad for accusing his friend of not holding up his promise, when he clearly did. But it bothered Steve more that Bucky hadn’t been honest with him in the last weeks. Why would he want to hide the fact that he had build a bond with you? 

Walking in a slow pace while stroking his hair, he didn’t even notice Bucky leaning against the wall. 

‘Steve?...um....Steve?... HEY BROOKLYN!’ 

Cap looked up from his daze and saw his friend leaning against the wall with his arms folded. Bucky smirked and pushed himself away from the wall. 

‘Where did you go? (refering to Steve being lost in thought)’ Steve chuckled. 

‘Just lost in thought I guess...’

Bucky walked up to Steve and patted him on the shoulder. ‘We uh....we need to talk’. Steve stared at Bucky, worried, but nodded. 

Steve didn’t know what Ayo had told Bucky in private, but Steve sure hoped that his best friend would open up to him. If Bucky felt that he wasn’t able to share things with him, that would be on Steve. 

He always told Buck that he could talk to him about anything, but clearly there was something that couldn’t be said easily.

-------------

Both men walked back into the building and Bucky motioned Steve to follow him. They walked through the main hallway in silence. 

Inside his head, Bucky was repeated what he wanted to tell Steve. There was no need to be worried, Steve was his best friend, but he still felt a knot building inside his stomach. What if Steve wouldn’t believe him or blame him for being a danger to them...and you?

After a few minutes, they arrived at the meeting room where they had briefed Stark about your recovery mission. 

Bucky opened the door and took the first seat he could find. Steve followed him inside and closed the door behind him. He took the chair opposite from Bucky. He sat down and folded his hands, waiting for Buck to start talking.

Steve tried to give his friend a reasurring glance, but Bucky was too nervous to look up at his friend. Couple minutes were spend in silence. 

Bucky cleared his throat and glenched his hands together. It was obvious to Steve that Buck was uncomfortable, but they really needed to have a chat.

‘I....I’m sorry...’, Bucky mumbled. 

Steve looked had his friend with surprise. He was not expecting an apology from Buck right out of the gate. And.... he wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for exactly. 

‘What for Buck?’

Bucky folded his arms and stared at the table. 

‘You know...for...um....shutting down.. closing myself off for the last couple of weeks....’ he muttered. 

‘Didn’t think about the impact it would have on you.’ He offered Steve a pained expression and shifted in his chair. 

Steve stared at his friend and took a moment before he answered back. He offered Buck a comforting smile.

‘Thanks Buck... I...I guess we still need to work on our communication’, Steve chuckled. 

‘After almost a decade... we’re still those boys from Brooklyn. Great at mischief, terrible at talking.’ Now it was Bucky’s turn to laugh.

‘Yeah....guess so...’. They kept quiet for a moment. Bucky looked up at Steve and adjusted his posture. Time to be honest with his friend.

‘I uh... I’ve been spending time with Y/N in the last couple of weeks... I guess I got consumed with spending time with someone who had gone throught he same shit I have... Maybe even worse...’. 

Steve gave a quick nod of understanding. That was the whole reason why he wanted Buck to be your support buddy in the first place, mutual understanding. But it seriously scared Steve when Bucky was shutting down, thinking that your presence was hurting his friend.

‘I get it Buck.. You’re a good guy, always have been. You never were able to stand the weak being picked on.’ Steve smiled, thinking back on how Buck would swoop in and fight the guys who picked on Steve (pre serum). 

‘But... I need to know... Why didn’t you tell me earlier on that you were bonding with Y/N?’

Bucky shifted on his chair and stared at Steve. He wasn’t even sure himself why he felt like he needed to keep it a secret. It was simply a feeling inside that warned him against it. ‘I...am not sure myself’. Bucky had a cold expression, trying to find the right words. 

It was clear to Steve that Buck wasn’t lying, but he felt that there was more to this behavior than a simple ‘’I’m not sure’’. 

Bucky looked away for a moment and took a deep breath. ‘I...I guess that I felt protective of her for some reason. And...’. He was almost ashamed to say it out loud. ‘I thought...I felt.. that I couldn’t trust you.’

Steve sat wide eyed opposite his friend. ‘Did I ever do something to hurt your trust? Please tell me Buck if I did!’. 

Shaking his head, Bucky stared at the monitors hanging on the wall. ‘No...never’, he mumbled. 

‘I can’t explain it Steve, fuck.... Just one of my inner demons I guess....’. He stared at his friend with guilt. ‘Just believe me when I say I didn’t do it to hurt you’.

Steve sighed. He knew Buck had trouble expressing himself properly, and while it hurt him that Bucky felt he couldn’t trust him fully, he couldn’t blame him. Cap hadn’t been completely honest with Bucky regarding your prior visit to HQ.... 

But why did Bucky feel protective of you? Could it be because you had gone throught the same trauma? Steve frowed while folding his arms. 

‘Was there a specific reason as to why you felt protective of Y/N?’

Bucky froze. Of course Steve would pick up on that, and he had no idea how to tell him that he knew you from the past....surprise! Bucky coughed and burried his face against the palms of his hands. This was more uncomfortable than he expected it to be. Why the hell was it so hard to talk about you with Steve?

There was no point in torturing Bucky any longer about the reason behind his secrecy. 

Buck had proven himself more than once to be reliable, and not because they shared a past. He had worked hard these last couple of years to right his wrongs, and besides... it was Steve’s brilliant idea to have Bucky bond with you. So both parties were to blame here. 

Steve decided to change the topic to ease the tension on his friend.  

‘So... how did it go? You and Y/N?’ Bucky sighed but was relieved that they could move on from the ‘’interrogation’’ part. 

Even if Ayo told him to be honest with Steve, sharing experiences or how he was feeling was still hard on him.

‘We uh...we talked. Mostly about random stuff, you know.. favorite color, music taste... Y/N has shared some of the things she remembers, but not all of it.’

Steve tensed. How much did you remember from your previous stay at HQ? And had you told Bucky about that incident in the lab? About Steve not trusting you and hurting you in the process?! Before he could start to feel anxious about it, Bucky continued talking.

‘A...a couple of days ago... I had a nightmare. Nothing new right..’ Bucky grinned. ‘And..during that nightmare..a memory emerged.’

Steve focussed his full attention at his friend. It was extremely rare for Buck to open up about his nightmares, so he didn’t know what to expect. Based on Bucks grim expression, it must have been a terrible one.

‘In the memory.. I saw.. Y/N. We were both in a Hydra prison cell. This was during the time Hydra had first caught me...before you rescued me and before I fell off that god damn train...’

Bucky continued talking, filling in Steve on what happened in the prison and what Hydra would do to you, every day. When he finished talking, Bucky was out of breath. His heart was beating like crazy and sweat was starting to form on his brow. Steve could see how tough it was for the super soldier to talk about it.

Steve sat in his chair, motionless. His brain was running wild and he felt horrible. He knew you had gone through hell, same as Bucky, but this was the first time that he heard first hand what actually happened inside the Hydra prison. 

Trying to process what Buck had just told him, Steve remembered the fear in your voice that morning in the lab. How terrified you sounded when he had failed to protect you. 

He clenched his fists and felt more guilt overwhelm him. How stupid could he have been not to trust you. Of course you would have been scared out of your mind for the possibility of being brought back to that hell hole. Steve was honestly surprised you had even managed to stay alive, as the torture Bucky described sounded inhumane to say the least. 

It was clear from Bucky’s description that you were a very strong individual. That you even managed to stay strong and semi postive for James at the time was a marvel to behold for sure. It made Steve sad to think that Hydra had managed to break your spirit in such a way, that you didn’t remember who you were as a person, prior to being turned into a weapon.  

Steve was only able to bring out a few words after being made aware of the connection between Bucky and Y/N: ‘Holy.....shit’.’ 

If the situation wasn’t that tense, Bucky would have joked about the fact that his best friend had just swore. But to Steve, there was nothing else he could reply with but to swear. 

Steve felt so angry and disappointed with himself. He was so confident last time that they would be able to help you. Hell, he was so assured of the situation that he didn’t believe you when you warned him about the Hydra infiltration in HQ.   

He knew that he had to compose himself. Not for him but for Buck, as this was a very sensitive moment for both of them. He gathered from the information shared that Bucky had no knowledge of what happened that morning in the lab. It was aweful, but Steve felt relieved. He didn’t want to deal with that skeleton in the closet just yet. 

Bucky put his full trust in Steve to share this story with him, so he had to make sure Buck felt supported in return. 

‘So... that means that you have a connection with her, right? Through shared memories during your time in that Hydra prison cell?’

Bucky nodded slowly and lowered his head. He clenched his hands together again and waited for Steve to start yelling at him or something. Steve didn’t.

Steve cleared his throat and took a moment before he spoke again.

‘Okay Buck.. Thanks for trusting me with this. I know this must have been hard on you these last couple of weeks. I’m sorry for thinking you didn’t uphold the promise you made, and I’m sorry that you felt you weren’t able to talk to me.’

‘I hope in the future that you won’t hide something like this from me. I’m not a therapist, but I’m your best friend. I’m with you till the end of the line brother.’ He smiled. 

Bucky looked up and saw the support of his friend. He sniffed and smiled back. He felt stupid for having kept this for himself while he had his best friend here to support him. The new experiences with you made him forget that he wasn’t alone in this. 

‘Till the end of the line’, he nodded, ‘... and to be honest, I think you would be a terrible shrink....’

Both men fell silent after which they laughed out loud. The tension disappeared in the room, and both parties felt more at ease after their heart to heart.  

‘Buck...did you tell Y/N about your nightmare...your...memory?

Bucky shook is head. ‘No....I...I’m afraid that telling her might harm the progress I’ve made. But...I also know I cannot keep it a secret from her... Ayo said not to tell her till she was stable enough’

Steve sighed and nodded in return. He was glad that Bucky hadn’t told you about the horrific memory....but.. as Buck said, they couldn’t keep it a secret forever.

They needed to figure out what the best way AND time was to tell you about it.

‘For now, let’s keep Y/N in the dark about this. There is no point in torturing her with lost memories while she’s fighting hard to reclaim her sanity and freedom. Let’s focus on our next steps.’

Steve thought back to what Ayo told him before flying off.

‘Did.... did Ayo tell you anything else?’

Bucky froze and nervously scratched his cheek. He had to tell Steve about the assignment Ayo had given him. The one he was most afraid of.

‘Yeah...she uh.....she wants me to help Y/N break free from her trigger sequence... Back in Wakanda, Ayo helped me break the chain. And uh ..now... she thinks I’m ready to do the same for Y/N,’ Bucky rubbed his hands together. 

‘Scared?’ Steve asked with concern clear in his voice.

Bucky looked up. ‘.....Terrified’. A sad smile present. 

Steve nodded. ‘Well, you’re not alone in this. I’ve got your back. So just tell me what you need and I’ll do it.’

Bucky nodded. ‘I know. But I must first tell Y/N about the plan. It’s important that she trusts me 100% when I start the process. And she needs to WANT to do it. I will not be able to break the chain if she’s not on board with it.’

‘Okay.. well, that’s our current objective then. You go and talk to Y/N. I’ll fill in Stark so he’s ready when you need him also.’

Both men got up from their chairs and stared at each other. They didn’t need to say more. Bucky walked up to Steve and embraced him for a moment, after which he left the meeting room.

Steve felt hopeful for the first time in a long time. They were back on track to get you prepped to help take down Hydra (hopefully) for good. But the part of breaking your mind control sequence made Steve worry slightly. 

What if Bucky wasn’t able to break it in time? Would he still have to take plan B into consideration? Activating you for the greater good of the world?

----------

‘No’, you answered while leaning against the wall in your room.

After his chat with Steve, Bucky had knocked on your door, and told you he needed to talk to you about something. Not wanting to keep any secrets between you (beside the reemerged memory connection piece....) he told you about Ayo’s visit. And he ended it with Ayo’s suggested plan to break your control sequence with Bucky’s help.

‘I know it’s scary, and not something I would force upon you. But...’

Bucky sighed and kept his distance from you. He knew it would not be a good idea to make you feel caged in right now. He could see the strain on your arms while you started to lean on your crutches more.

‘So what? You want to activate me!?’ Anger was clearly breaking through in your voice.

Your emotions had started to emerge bit by bit since the breakthrough you’d had. You weren’t stable right now, and Bucky wanted to hit himself for thinking THIS was the right time to inform you about the plan Ayo proposed.

Not being able to read your actions properly, Bucky kept his distance. He wasn’t expecting you to attack him, but he was thankful that Stark was still working on your leg.... Not that he was scared of you... but the way you looked at Bucky made him feel anything but at ease.

‘I’m NOT going to activate you! I would never force you back into that submissive murdering state! I.....I want to help you break the sequence chain! Like Ayo has done for me back in Wakanda..... I ....I want you to be free.’

Bucky hit the brick wall with the side of his fist to cool off. Not that he was angry at you, but the turmoil from the day had caught up to him. He should have waited till tomorrow to tell you, but he wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

You stared at Bucky and saw that he was clearly upset. Well... he wasn’t the only one that was upset... 

The grip on your crutches tightened and you started making your way to your bedroom door. You didn’t want to be in the same room as Bucky and needed some space. 

Not knowing where you were going in your ‘’state’’, Bucky quickly jumped in front of you to stop you from leaving.

‘Get out of my way’, you growled. 

‘No.... not before we’ve talked about this.’ Bucky’s face was cold. He understood that you were angry maybe, but he couldn’t leave things like this. 

He didn’t want to start a fight with you, but it was clear you were taking this the wrong way. And he didn’t want you to think that he was going to force you into anything you didn’t want to do.

Anger starting to overtake your mindset, you let go of your left crutch and balanced on your left leg. You tightened your grip on your right crutch and swung it at Bucky. 

He quickly blocked the attempted blow with his left arm, which caused the crutch to bend. It fell to the ground with a bang and due to the force you used, you lost your balance. Before you could make contact with the ground, Bucky dove underneath you, and you were now laying on top of his chest.

You started to bang your fists on his chest and screamed at the man you thought you could trust. But you hated yourself for having grown soft for him. You cannot trust anyone in this world, not even yourself. You should have removed yourself from Bucky the moment he tried talking to you.

Can’t they just leave you alone and suffer in peace!

‘LET ME GO.. LET....LEt....Let me go’, your screaming turned to whispering, on the brink of breaking down and your hitting motion slowed down. 

Bucky’s eyes went wide as he saw your broken face looking down at him. So much pain showed in your eyes and it was obvious from your complexion that you felt betrayed. 

He held your wrists to stop you from hitting him and he stared at you with misery in his heart. The first thing he wanted to achieve was making you laugh, and instead, he had managed to have you on the verge of breaking down, maybe crying even. ‘’Good job Buck....’’ he swore at himself internally. 

He let go of your wrists and pushed himself in a sitting postion, and hold you close to him. You tried pushing Bucky away but he hold on to you too tightly. Worried that if he let go, you would never come back. Breathing heavily due to the sudden adrenaline rush, you felt so powerless in this moment.

How can one person make you feel better than you ever felt (considering you haven’t been able to feel properly for a long time), and with a few words have you come crashing down. 

Softly he started to rub your back. ‘I...I know you’re scared. But you know I will never EVER hurt you. Please tell me that I wasn’t imagining things. Please tell me that you felt the same things I felt. We’ve connected over these last couple of weeks, haven’t we?. P....please...’ 

You kept quiet but heard that Bucky tried his best to stop himself from showing weakness. You could feel his heart beating like crazy and you didn’t know why, but you wanted to see his face. 

You pushed yourself back slightly which caused Bucky to let go of you. He thought that this was your answer to his pleas, you hated him. 

You stared at the man who had been a support to you in more ways than he could possibly imagine. It wasn’t easy, and you had a long way to go still, but without him you’d still be floating in complete darkness. 

Bucky’s head hung low and it looked like he lost all will to live. A sudden urge erupted throughout your body. You felt like you had to hold him, tell him that everything would be okay. Tell him that you would hold out as long as possible so he wouldn’t be hurt. An electric shock rushed through you.

You froze and a searing pain erupted inside your head. It hurts so much that you fell back onto your back while craddling your head with both hands. You started to scream out from the pain and this awakens Bucky from his daze. 

Bucky didn’t know what had happened but could see and hear you’re in pain. With fear he looked at you laying on the floor, screaming. 

‘Y/N.. Y/N! WHAT HAPPENED!?’

He quickly moves over to sit next to you and makes you look at him.

Your eyes were glazed over for a moment and then you passed out. Now in full panic mode, Bucky quickly lifted you into his arms and gets up from the floor.

Not knowing what to do, he kicks your metal bedroom door out of its hinges, which makes it fall down onto the floor with a slam. He start to run with you into his arms to Starks lab.

‘S...STARK....STARK!!! HELP ME.. PLEASE!!’

--------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes #bucky barns x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x #bucky x #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers x y/n #steve x reader #steve rodgers #steve rodgers x reader

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 12

*Warnings: some light swearing*

Part 13

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

‘If only Bucky would step in to help out....’ Steve mumbled to himself while he paced through the control room. 

Cap was seriously starting to lose his patience with Buck. He understood it must be hard on his best friend, and he had given him plenty of space (and time) to fulfil his promise. But Cap had reached the point where he was done waiting around. It was time to act, with or without the help of Bucky.

No matter how Steve looked at it, time was running short. The Hydra cell could make a movement any moment now, and they have not gotten any closer to getting your ‘’cooperation’’. 

Natasha had kept him updated about the Hydra cell movements in the last couple of weeks. Luckily for them, the cell was dormant and hadn’t done any activity which could be flagged as an attack. While Steve didn’t fully believe that the cell was doing ‘’nothing’’, he was anxious that they might strike without the team being prepared for it.

Knowing the risk, Steve believed that it was more important than ever to get Y/N on their side. They needed all the man power they could get, and having another super soldier beside them could bend the fight to their favor.

Steve didn’t want to think about his plan B, in case they couldn’t stabilize you in time and convince you to join them. 

He pinched the bridge of his nose after looking at the latest report update that Natasha had send him. He knew that plan B would destroy any hope of repairing your bond, but, if you didn’t leave them another choice... 

Steve had to choose the safety of the world above a damaged super soldier. He would activate you, and make you fight...even though he would hate himself for it. 

Of course, he hadn’t shared this plan with anyone. Steve knew that Stark and Sam would disagree. And he didn’t want to think about how Bucky would respond.

He hoped to never having to use his rogue plan. Hence the frustration when it came to Bucky.

------------------------   

Steve didn’t know that in the last couple of weeks, Bucky had started putting in effort to connect with you. 

Steve was convinced that Buck would be a better buddy for you than him. While he always wanted to help people the best he could, he knew that with everything you had gone through, it would be best to have someone there with you who understood your predicament.

Steve still wasn’t sure whether you remembered that morning when things went south in the lab, but, from how closed off you were towards him, he guessed that the trust still wasn’t there between the two of you (with or without memories).

Bucky told you not to let the team know that you both had started spending time together. You didn’t understand the secrecy, but all Bucky said was that it would be better for the both of you, if the others didn’t know about your ‘’get togethers’’. You complied, not caring much for it, but thinking it would keep people of your back.

Whenever you two were outside of your rooms and saw each other, you acted distant towards one another. Which wasn’t a hard thing to do for two ex Hydra experiments with extensive trauma and PTSD.

After the horrid nightmare, that made Bucky remember that he had a shared past with you, he wasn’t sure what to do. His mind was a complete mess, and it felt like he wasn’t physically there. Maybe he should tell Sam about it?

Bucky was scared.... Frightened that Sam would tell him to remove himself from you. He couldn’t let that happen. Bucky had just found you again, and no one would take you away from him. 

He needed time to figure out whether you had started to remember ‘’James’’ or if those memories were lost forever. It was too risky to ask, as you had made such amazing progress, which Bucky didn’t want to halt. 

He was too scared to hurt the bond that had formed between you. He wanted to ask advise but wasn’t sure whether sharing this information would be the smart move to make. Bucky trusted his team, but somewhere in the back of his mind, paranoia started to creep in. What if they’d use it against you? 

And that’s why Cap never saw any improvement happening between you and Buck. Whenever you saw each other, you acted cold and distant, never talking to each other or acknowledging the others existence.

Fed up with Bucky (allegedly) moping around and avoiding you, even after Steve specifically asked him to put in the effort to spend time with you, Steve contacted Ayo. 

He begged her to talk some sense into Bucky. Asking him to agree to being your support buddy in your time at the compound. She was reluctant at first, but after Shuri supported Steve’s idea, she complied.

-------------------

Soon after, Ayo visited the compound and walked straight to Bucky’s room and knocked on his door. *knock, knock*

No answer. Ayo knocked again. She heard some stirring coming from within Bucky’s room and Bucky muttering something. She couldn’t make out what was said, as it sounded muffled to her, but a few moments later Bucky opened the door partially.

Ayo stared at Bucky and scanned him from head to toe. He was wearing a black t-shirt and sweatpants and was barefoot. His face showed annoyance and he clearly wasn’t happy being disturbed.

‘Busy?’ she inquired while raising her eyebrow and gazing at Bucky with suspicion. 

Bucky grabbed the doorframe tighter and coughed. ‘No, why? 

It took him a couple seconds.

‘.... Wait..w..what?... AYO?! Bucky’s eyes went wide.

‘What are you doing here!? Clearly surprised by the unannounced reunion, Ayo nodded.

‘Your friend here asked me to pay you a visit.’ 

Steve was standing behind her, and if he wasn’t that disappointed and annoyed with his friend not fulfilling his promise, he would have waved sarcastically. 

‘Why!?’ 

Bucky felt dread starting to radiate through his body. Ayo never left Wakanda unless there was a damn good reason for it. 

‘We need to talk... in private’, Ayo answered. 

‘Okay...?’ Bucky was really confused. 

‘Now!’, Ayo said with a commanding voice. 

Bucky frowned but knew better than to keep Ayo waiting.

‘Okay okay, let me just grab some socks and shoes.’ He closed the door and quickly grabbed his apparel. He opened the door of his room and closed it behind him.

Ayo started to walk ahead of him, and Bucky glared at Steve. ‘Why the fuck did you call her?’ Bucky whispered frustratingly.

‘Because...you didn’t keep your promise’, Steve growled back. ‘Couldn’t think of anyone else who could talk some sense into you but her.’ Steve grinned.

Gloom starting to gather above Bucky’s head, he knew that this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation.

----------- 

Ayo walked into a separate meeting room and Bucky joined her. Respecting their privacy, Steve left them be and walked back down the hallway to join Stark in his lab.

When both took a seat around the table, Ayo broke the silence.

‘You are playing a dangerous game White Wolf’. 

‘While you might be free.... yes.., you are not freed from your past. You are still chained by guilt.’ She stared at him with a stern expression.

Bucky’s face grew cold and he folded his arms. He could see that Ayo was not in the mood for small talk.

‘What game are you refering to?’

‘Y/N’, Ayo answered.

Bucky grew tense. Why was Ayo bringing you into the conversation all of a sudden? He started to tense up slightly, but did his best not to show Ayo. 

‘What do you mean Y/N? I don’t even talk to her!’ Bucky’s raised his voice.

Ayo shook her head. ‘You think I’m dumb. That I’m blind to what you’ve been doing?’

Bucky shifted on his seat and was starting to get uncomfortable. 

‘You’ve started to build a bond with her, haven’t you? The tone in which you pronounced her name just now simply confirmed my suspicion’. 

Bucky kept quiet. How the hell did Ayo figure out that he had started to grow close to you? He was careful to avoid suspicion and didn’t get the impression that Steve had started to catch on. 

Why else would he have called Ayo?! He just told Bucky that he was annoyed that Buck wasn’t putting in the work.   

Nervously, Bucky scratched his chin and didn’t look her in the eye.

‘I’m not here to reprimand you White Wolf. I’m here to warn you.’

Bucky’s eyes shifted back towards Ayo. ‘Why?’

‘Because you can be each others salvation... or downfall, depending on how the game is played.’ 

Bucky sat up straight in his chair, clenching his fists.

‘How did you find out?’

Ayo stayed quiet for a bit but nodded her head. It was understandable that Bucky wanted to know how she figured out their growing relationship. Especially as she was in Wakanda all this time, and not in the compound.

‘Steve... He reached out after he became worried about your behaviour. Said you would stay inside your room more often than normal and avoided interacting with him.’ 

‘I like to think we are good acquintances. So it perceived it as strange behavior when I heard you isolated yourself by choice. And you...not talking to Steve...This made it clear to me that something was wrong.’

Ayo took a moment to pause.

‘As Y/N stayed in her room as much as you did, I could only assume that either, you were avoiding each other, or something else was going on. I wasn’t sure which one it was, but due to the way you called her name... and you tensing up when I mention her name.... it showed me what was truly going on. You wouldn’t be so worked up over someone you hated....’ 

Bucky knew he had become a bit distant from Steve in the last couple of weeks. He was so focussed on getting to know you better that he didn’t think about the impact it could have on his friend. 

And when he had that painful memory reemerge of your prior connection with him in the Hydra prison cell....he closed off completely.

He could have known that Ayo would figure it out one way or another. She was as sharp as the spear she carried, so it was pointless to deny it. 

Bucky cleared his throat and adjusted his posture.

‘If that’s true, why... why didn’t Steve say anything?’

Ayo quirked her eyebrows. ‘Why do you think that is? 

Bucky shook his head.  

‘He was afraid that Y/N might have brought out some... hurtful memories for you. Based on your past.... you can’t blame him for not wanting to push you into talking to him’.

Bucky’s face grew cold. Why did people automatically asume that because of his fucked up past that he would become unstable if people pushed him?

Sensing Bucky’s frustration rising, Ayo continued talking in a calming voice.

‘James...’

Bucky glared at Ayo. ‘It’s Bucky.’ He glenched his right fist. 

Ayo sighed.

‘We’ve gone through a lot of effort to get you to the point you are now. I don’t want you falling back into that darkness you managed to crawl out of. Even if that means I have to shield you from someone.’

Bucky growled and jumped up from his chair, kicking it over.

‘Y/N ISN’T SOMEONE I NEED PROTECTION FROM. IT’S HER THAT NEEDS PROTECTING FROM ME!’.

Bucky’s chest was heaving and he tried his best to hold back the anger starting to flow out. His piercing blue eyes were blown out wide and he looked ready to attack.

Ayo showed surprise on her face. This was the first time that Bucky had yelled at her in such capacity. She folded her arms and looked up at the infuriated man standing in front of her. 

‘What do you mean, ‘’Needs protecting from you’’?’

Bucky’s jaw locked and he turned around, folding his arms also. He hadn’t told anyone about the emerged memory yet, not even Sam. He wasn’t sure himself what the best course of action to take was.

He had a connection with you, tied to a very dark and painful part of your shared past. Based on what you had confided in him thus far, there was no sign that you had started to remember him (James). He was afraid that sharing this memory with you might break your mind completely. 

Bucky turned back towards Ayo and took a deep breath.

He told Ayo about the nightmare he had a couple days ago, and the emerged memory that accompanied it. When he finished talking Ayo carried a worried expression.

‘This is bad...’, she murmured. 

‘Have you told her about the memory?’

‘NO of course not! I have no idea whether she’s capable of handling it! I don’t want to implode the bond we have build in the last couple of weeks!

Ayo nodded. ‘Good’, she said with slight relieve in her voice.

‘For now, don’t tell her about it. She needs to be as stable as can be before you share this story, okay?’

Bucky nodded in agreement but didn’t feel at ease.

‘A...Ayo..Do...do you think it’s selfish that I want her to remember me?’

Ayo looked at Bucky and saw the pain clear on his face.

‘No....’

‘It is not selfish that you want to reconnect with your past. But....it will be selfish if you push it on Y/N, when she’s not mentally prepared to hear it.’

Bucky stared at the floor for a moment but nodded in the end. He felt a little relieved with Ayo’s reasoning. It was eating away at him for the last couple of days, so it was nice to hear that someone didn’t think it was horrible for him to long for.

‘Good. Now that that is out of the way there is one matter still needed to be discussed.’ Ayo stared at Bucky with a serious expression.

‘Last time Stark was working with Y/N, he didn’t manage to break the bond between her mind and the trigger sequence completely. This is a big problem as we cannot have Y/N walking around like a ticking time bomb. We can never be sure who knows of her trigger sequence and who doesn’t.’

Bucky frowned. He hadn’t thought about that. The last couple of weeks you both shared stories with one another, but the Winter Soldier program never came up fully. Which made sense as it’s something you both rather forgot about.

‘What do you suggest?’ Bucky asked with concern starting to pulsate through his mind. 

Ayo got up from her chair and stopped right in front of Bucky, staring into his eyes.

‘You remember the methods I used to help you break your bond, back in Wakanda?’

Bucky nodded. 

‘Good’.

‘Now I want you to do the same thing for Y/N’.

Bucky’s face twitched and fear was clearly visible in his eyes. 

‘You...you can’t be serious...?!’

‘I am serious.’ Ayo said while putting her hand on Bucky’s shoulder. 

Bucky shook his head and took a step back.

‘No Ayo... I...I..’. He started to sweat and fear tightened its grip around his heart.

‘I know you’re scared. But right now you are the only person able to help her become free.’

Tears started to form in Bucky’s eyes while he looked back at Ayo. 

‘W...why can’t YOU DO IT!’ He started to panic and shook his head over and over.

Ayo closed the gap.

‘Have faith in yourself White Wolf. You have proven a dozen times over that you are worthy of my praise. There is no one else in this world I would trust this task to but you.’

Bucky’s hands started to shake and he couldn’t bring out a word. Ayo softly grabbed his right hand to have him focus back on her.

‘You are strong, and you are capable of doing this. Help Y/N become free of being controlled against her will..... Have her become as free... as you.’

This hit Bucky straight in his soul. He can still remember when Ayo performed the final test. She spoke his trigger words one by one. He became scared, thinking that it wouldn’t work. That after all this time, the sequence would still be able to control him. Ayo calmly continued speaking the words till she had said the final verb. 

Bucky was shaking, and started crying when Ayo spoke to him the most precious sentence he had heard in all his life: ‘’You are free’’.

He started smiling and crying at the same time. Not being able to believe that he was truly free from the mind control. He no longer had to worry about being triggered into the Winter Soldier.

Bucky wanted you to gain your freedom back. Even if that meant for him to overcome his fear of hurting you. He took a moment to calm down and squished Ayo’s hand.

‘Thank you.... for believing in me’, he whispered while letting go of her hand. Ayo showed a flash of a smile on her face. 

‘The student has become the teacher’. Bucky started to laugh and wiped away some of the tears that had started dripping down his cheek.

‘I will try my best’, he said in a hushed voice. He wasn’t 100% confident in his capability to help you, but he would give it his all.

Ayo nodded. ‘You know what to do, I believe in you’. She patted him on the back and bowed down to pick up the chair that Bucky had kicked over. 

‘It is time for me to leave’, she said while walking towards the door. 

‘If you need advise, you know where to reach me’

‘But promise me one thing....Talk to Steve. You don’t have to carry this weight by yourself’.  Bucky nodded.

While the task ahead was going to be hard, he would do whatever it took to help you gain back your freedom. 

-------------------------------------------

Two hours later, Ayo and Bucky emerged from the meeting room. Bucky’s face showed fear but also determination. Steve had been waiting down the hallway for the past 30 minutes, wondering what was taking so long. 

‘They must have had a lot to catch up about’, he mumbled to himself when he heard the door opening and walked up to them.

Ayo nodded to Steve, who thanked her for flying out on such sort notice and for talking to Bucky. He saw that Bucky looked distraught, but didn’t want to bother him about it. 

Steve joined Ayo on her way out while leaving Bucky behind in the hallway.

‘What did the two of you talk about for so long?’ He asked while keeping a steady pace.

‘Important business’, Ayo replied, not looking at Steve.

‘None of MY business, copy that,’ Steve smirked while keeping his gaze in front of him. The rest of the walk was quiet and Steve and Ayo made their way outside the building.

‘It will not be easy’. Ayo said while stopping in front of her plane. 

‘This plan you have of Bucky supporting Y/N, might not have the desired effect you wish for. Time might not be on your side.’

Steve looked at Ayo worried. Did this mean Ayo thought you could become a threat? 

‘But Bucky will help her, right?’ 

‘Yes....White Wolf will help....but don’t forget the trauma he has gone through himself. He might have been freed from the trigger words, but he will never be free from his past.’

More worry creeping into Steve’s mind, he stepped in front of Ayo. ‘My friend might be a lot of things, but he’s no quitter!’ Ayo looked in amusement. 

‘You really care about your friend, don’t you?’

‘Of course I do! We’ll be there for each other till the end of the line.’

Ayo folded her arms and stared at Steve. ‘That is the reason why Bucky is where he is right now. You have a history together. You’ve supported each other no matter the odds. But more importantly, you have his trust.’

Steve froze and processed what Ayo threw at him. Of course he had Bucky’s trust. Buck knew that Steve would die for him if needed be.

He wanted to respond but Ayo cut him off. ‘If you have the trust of White Wolf, you need to give him your trust in return. He’s stronger than you think.’

Ayo climbed into the aircraft and took off. Leaving Steve alone with his thoughts.

--------------------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x #steve rodgers x you #steve x reader #steve rodgers x y/n #steve rodgers #ayo

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 11

*Warnings: some light swearing, memories/description of torture, trauma and blood*

Longer one, sorry!

Part 12

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Bucky expressed to you that he wanted to spend less time together. He should have worded it better than he did, but it was still new to him also to have build a strong bond with someone (who wasn’t Steve). You’ve both gone on a total movie bender and there was nothing left to watch from the list Bucky had made.

A part of what Sam had warned him about stuck with Bucky. What if he was indeed starting to get obsessed with you? And what if that could lead to Steve, or even you, getting hurt by it. Hence why he told you to take a break. 

You asked him straight out if he was going to discard you. Bucky was shocked that you assumed such a thing, and assured you that he just needed some alone time. He explained that it would do you some good also, as spending too much time with a person wasn’t healthy.

You hadn’t realized that so much time had passed. So overtaken by the new experiences and the conversations you have had with Bucky, you didn’t notice that you hadn’t been by yourself for more than a day or 2.

You’ve never been that invested into another person, ever. By now you knew that you had started to form a bond with Bucky. You tried so hard to keep that from happening, but the more time you spend together, the easier it became to connect on a deeper level. 

Some alone time might do you some good. Allowing you to reevaluate things, as you haven’t been thinking about escaping as much as before you started to connect with Bucky. This realization concerned you. 

Knowing that he didn’t want to just leave you by yourself without something to do, Bucky grabbed a thick brown folder from his desk and handed it to you. 

He had talked to Sam about your dormant emotions, and wanted to understand how to best help you rediscover them. Bucky had done some research on his own by reading books dedicated to the topic. But putting theory into practice was a whole other beast. 

Sam didn’t know the answers as Y/N’s emotional situation was wildly different from typical PTSD cases. But, he had a buddy who had more experience when it came to extreme trauma and emotional damage. 

Couple days later, a folder was delivered to the compound by Red Wing, Sam’s trusty companion. Sam wasn’t able to come deliver it in person, and it would be faster (and more inconspicuous) if he let Red Wing fly over. 

Stark was confused as to why the flying machine was visiting the compound, but Bucky said that it was something between him and Sam. While suspicous, Stark let it be, too busy to finish your leg to bother with the weird situation.

Inside the folder, Sam had included research papers and articles received from his friend, which in part were written by his buddy, and by esteemed colleagues in the field.

Bucky was grateful for the material and asked Sam whether it would be helpful for you to read through it. Again, Sam had to consult his buddy (while making sure to not give away too much info about Y/N), but his friend said it would be fine to do so, as long as you wouldn’t become too overwhelmed all at ones. 

Sam advised Bucky to take out some of the ‘’heavier’’ material and start you off with the lighter stuff. When he opened the folder and browsed through the papers, he found one with a post-it note on it. Written on it was ‘’great starting point!’’. 

This must have been written by Sam’s buddy, Bucky thought, and he decided to follow the post-it’s advise. He took out all other materials and put it safely into one of his desk drawers. 

He handed you the folder and told you to read up on the paper inside when you wanted to.

The paper inside explained the basic consensus of emotions and what impact trauma could have on it. You started to read more and more, and after a while it felt like something was starting to click inside your head. 

The more you read the paper, the more it felt like this was describing your situation. You weren’t a machine but a human being who had gone through a long traumatic experience. Hydra hadn’t destroyed your emotions...they simply made you forget you had them to begin with.

A wave of something started to spread through your body and your hands were shaking. There was hope for you. You weren’t worthless or beyond repair. With time you would be able to feel ‘’normal’’! 

A weird pressure started building inside your chest, and shivers all over your body formed. 

Your heart beated faster and it felt like you couldn’t breath. You were scared as you had no idea what was going on and started to panic. 

Laying on the floor, you banged your fists on the wall. You could hear Bucky call your name. When you kept banging, Bucky ran out of his room and knocked on your door. While gasping for air, you tried calling for him, but the volume of your voice was just above a whisper. 

When you didn’t open the door after Bucky repeatedly called your name, he opent the door and saw you laying on the floor, glenching your throat. He ran towards you and fell on his knees. He quickly helpt you sit up and pulled you into his lap. 

‘Focus on me Y/N....Breathe....Follow my lead.. see...’. Bucky would breathe in...and breathe out. After a couple tries you mimicked Bucky’s breathing and you started to calm down. 

‘What the hell happened!?’, Bucky asked with fear still present on his face. You had just experienced your first panic attack, but neither of you knew that.

He saw the folder and the research paper laying on the floor next to you. Immediately Bucky thought that given you the paper must have been a mistake. You couldn’t handle it. 

You coughed a couple times and your lips trembled. Bucky thought you were about to cry but to his surprise, you smiled?! It wasn’t a perfectly formed smile (more like half of a smile, a grin), but to Bucky, it was a smile non the less. His eyes widened and he stared at you in amazement.

‘D...di ..did you just....smile?!’

You frowned and looked at him.

‘Did I...?’

Both of you were quiet for a moment. You crawled off Bucky’s lap (surprised that you hadn’t frozen up by the sudden physical closeness) and sat on the floor.

This was it.....the turning point in your life. You had started to take control back into your own hands. Hydra had made you believe you were worthless and nothing more than a puppet, being used however they saw fit.

All those weeks of spending time with Bucky and talking had definitely had an positive impact on you. But it was this self realization that marked the start of your found will towards true self improvement.

You stared at your hands for a while and looked up at Bucky.

‘Does..does this mean I can be repaired?’, you mumbled.

His heart ached, seeing you sitting on the floor in front of him. He wanted to embrace you, but was able to stop his impulse. Bucky smiled at you and nodded.

‘Yes...that is exactly what it means.’

You showed relieve and clenched your fists. For the first time in your life you felt... empowered... in control. 

Bucky started to see changes happening in your speaking patterns and body language, and informed Sam about the positive turnaround. 

Sam was happy to hear the good news, but warned Bucky, again, to take it nice and slow.

‘She has had a major revelation about herself. This is important and could act as the driving force behind her getting back in touch with her emotions. Which is positive of course.... but please make sure neither you or Y/N throw too much into the mix. I’m worried that this sudden realization might trigger some dormant memories within Y/N.’

-------------------------------------

What Sam didn’t think would happen, was that this positive incident would develop some negative side effect on Bucky primarily.

After he had seen you ‘’smile’’, Bucky felt a pressure building inside his head. A vague thumping at first soon evolved into a horrible pain. He started to see flashes emerge inside his mind of things he wasn’t able to place.

Bucky started to remember his time as the Winter Soldier more vividly, and the horrific things he had done. He had never forgotten about it, but in the years of healing, he learned to put it away on a shelf. He didn’t have to torment himself with it every single day as some form of catharsis.  

He would wake up sweating in the middle of the night, seeing flashes of you being tortured. He would jump up and try to calm down. Was his mind just filling in the blanks or did what he saw in his dream really happen?

It happened more and more that flashes of memories emerged, with you in it. Bucky didn’t understand how, but there must be a reason for it. Maybe you were both held in the same Hydra facility? Perhaps the Winter Soldier had seen you on the rare occasion where they let him out of the ice for longer periods of time? 

Steve was still upset that Bucky wasn’t showing any effort of trying to engage with you (because Bucky wanted to keep your progress a secret for now). But Bucky just ignored him, mumbling that he was working on it.

Steve was ticked off by his best friends lack of trying, but started to be worried more about Bucky’s mental state. Steve noticed that Buck had become more absent and quiet than usual, and spend more time in his room than before.

He rarely talked to Steve and opted out of any activities he had planned for them together. He asked Sam for advise, but Sam told him to give Bucky some space.

Meeting you must have brought up painful memories, and Sam believed that Bucky would let them know in his own time when he was ready to talk about it. 

Sam had kept his promise to Bucky and didn’t tell Steve about the progress made between him and you. But he felt that Bucky couldn’t hide it for much longer before Steve would figure out something was off.

------------------

When Bucky was by himself, he started to feel like his mind was slipping away. Why was he seeing flashes of you during his Hydra time? Why had he never encountered them before? 

When his memories started to come back, never once did your face pop up. Was that because he simply didn’t know you. Or had his mind blocked you from his memories? 

It scared Bucky to think what else he might have forgotten from that time. He could barely get himself out of bed, and much rather stayed in the safety of his room, than to face the truth. 

He thought you might worry as he hadn’t spoken to you for days, so he told you, in person, that he wasn’t feeling well, and needed time to rest till he felt better. 

You understood and told him to let you know if he needed anything. Bucky must be tired from trying to help you all these weeks, and you started to feel slight guilt. 

But Bucky saw what was happening inside your head, and quickly added that everything was fine. He just needed to rest and he would be back to his old self in no time.

-------------------------

Couple of days in his room didn’t help improve his situation as much as Bucky had hoped. He was laying on his bed and let his mind wonder aimlessly. 

It wasn’t till he could hear you murmur something that made him get out of bed. It was difficult to hear, even with his enhanced hearing, but you were definitely saying something. 

Throwing a quick glance on the clock mounted to his wall, Bucky saw it was a little past 3. Everyone should be asleep by now but he didn’t expect you to be asleep. You had told him before he fell ‘’ill’’ that you struggled with sleep still and would stay awake most of the time. 

He slowly made his way to the wall adjacent to your bedroom, and pressed his ear against it. 

Nothing. He stayed patient, hoping for you to start talking again. Minutes passed by and you didn’t make a sound. Disappointed, Bucky wanted to move away until you started talking again. Pressing his ear further against the wall, Bucky focussed on what you were saying in your sleep. 

The sound was muffled at first, but eventually he heard one single word escaping your lips: ‘PARAMUS’.

Bucky froze after hearing you mutter that word. Why did that sound familiar and why was he sweating and terrified after hearing it?

He pushed himself away from the wall and walked back to his bed. He sat down and moved his hands across his face. Why did he feel so uneasy after hearing that word? It was just a random word you threw out during your sleep....

Bucky decided to lay down instead of staying seated as he started to feel light headed. Not being able to let go of the fear that rushed through his veins, he closed his eyes to calm down. 

- NIGHTMARE -

The dripping of water could be heard in the distance. Bucky stirred and slowly opened his eyes. He was inside a cell, somewhere in a dusty old building. There were no windows and the only light source came from overhead lamps. He didn’t see anyone around and wasn’t sure how he got here. 

He looked down and saw that his arms and legs were held down by chains. Bucky yelled from surprise when he looked down at his left arm. It was his flesh arm, not the prosthetic he had gotten used to. 

‘’Not possible’’, he murmured while slowly moving his, thought to be lost, flesh arm. He was on high alert when he saw something moving in the cell next to him. Staying quiet, he waited to see what it was. A shadowy figure came crawling towards the bars that separated both cells. The figure moved weirdly, like they were slithering across the floor. 

Bucky squinted his eyes to adjust to the bad lighting situation in the room. He could make out the outline of a face, so he calmed down slightly. 

‘Bad dream?’, a weak voice asked. 

Not sure whether to reply or not, Buck said ‘yeah’. 

The stranger’s voice let out a hoarse laugh. ‘Good to hear you got some sleep at least’. Something about the voice sounded familiar to Bucky. He crawled over to the stranger, to have a better look at the person who was clearly familiar with him.

This must have been during the first time Hydra captured him and his battalion. Before Steve was able to save them. Dr Zola would conduct experiments on Bucky and begin the first steps of the Winter Soldier Program. Why had his brain surpressed this memory?

It was difficult to make out who the person laying in the other cell was. The stranger was covered in blood soaked bandages from the neck down. Most of it seemed to have dried up by now, but it was a nauseating scene to watch. Their left leg looked horrendously deformed, beyond recognition. While their right leg was missing from the knee down.

Bucky felt a shiver run up his spine. Before he could vocalize his thoughts, the stranger interrupted him. 

‘I didn’t forget’, the weak voice said. ‘Kept repeating the word inside my mind. Was hard, but I did it’. 

He felt tears welling up, and Bucky reached his hand through the bars of the cell. His wrists raw from the friction between his skin and the rusty metal cuffs.

‘You didn’t forget... did you?’ the weak voice asked, while pushing their cheek against Bucky’s hand.  

He could feel his hand starting to get wet, but he didn’t dare pull away. He moved as close as he could to the bar wall and looked at the stranger. 

‘You promised you wouldn’t’, the weak voice said with a crack in their voice.

From a distance Bucky could hear footsteps nearing the room. He stared at the stranger, hoping to make out their face to confirm his fear. 

The door to the prison cells swung open, and two Hydra soldiers descended the staircase. Additional lights were activated, and the room was now bathed in light. 

Blinded by the sudden change in brightness, Bucky tried his best to focus on the stranger. The soldiers got closer and one of them grabbed their keychain, rummaging through their keys to find the right one.

His eyes now adjusted to the light, Bucky looked at the stranger laying against his hand. Tears dripped down his cheeks and his lip quivered. The strangers face was covered in blood and bruises, but he could still recognise the person underneath. Bucky saw that the wet feeling on his hand was blood, pooling onto the dirt floor. 

The stranger offered him a broken smile while coughing up blood.

‘Was nice.... knowing you...James...’, the stranger spoke in between ragged breathes for air, before moving away from Bucky’s hand, and laying on their backside.

The soldiers opened the cell door and made their way over to the stranger. 

‘’NO’’! 

Bucky screamed while trying to punch the soldiers through the bar wall. The soldiers kicked his arm away and lifted the stranger by their collar, dragging them across the cell floor.

The stranger looked at Bucky one last time, while blood dripped from their face. 

‘Stay strong....’ the stranger said softly after which they closed their eyes. The soldier holding the stranger’s collar punched them in the face for daring to speak. 

‘’NO!!’’ 

Bucky pushed himself against the bar wall, scratching his nails into the dirt. Drool was dripping from the corner of his mouth and tears fell on the ground. His body was shaking uncontrollably and he was banging his head against the metal bars.

‘Leave her... LEAVE Y/N ALONE!! JUST TAKE ME!’

- END OF NIGHTMARE - 

With a shock Bucky sat up in bed. He couldn’t stop himself from crying while his whole body was covered in shivers and sweat. With shaking hands he rubbed some of the tears away. 

‘Y/N’, he whispered through sobs. 

‘I...I remember now’.

How could he have forgotten that there was someone else in the cell next to him? The person who had supported Bucky through his time in the Hydra prison cell. Who tried to keep him grounded, even though they were suffering themselves in a horrible way.

They would torture you everyday without fail. Bucky (or in that period of time, James) was scared, and you knew that. No matter what they did to you, you always managed to smile at him. You told him that as long as they were torturing you, they wouldn’t touch him. So you promised him that you would held out as long as possible before they would eventually break you.

The last time Bucky saw you was the memory that had just played out in his dream. They dragged you away and Bucky never saw you again. He thought they had killed you that day.

Tears started to drip down Bucky’s cheeks again.

Now he knew why the word sounded so familiar to him. It was from a period of time his mind had made him forget about. But now he remembered it.

‘’PARAMUS”, the word Bucky (or James) had suggested to use as a code word. To act as a trigger that no matter what, they would always remember one another. 

James had promised to save you from Hydra, no matter how long it would take. You always laughed at that proclamation, but thanked him non the less. 

Ashamed by the realization, Bucky curled up in bed. 

‘I’m so sorry Y/N. I know it’s late, but would you still remember me if I said the word?’

After everything that had happened between the two of you (and the new bond that had formed), was it selfish of Bucky for wanting you to remember him?

Wanting you to remember the prior connection you had in the past. That you weren’t strangers but long lost souls, meeting again. 

Even though this connection is laced with pain, horror and extreme trauma?

--------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x #steve rodgers #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers x y/n #steve x reader #steve rodgers x reader #sam wilson

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 10

*Warnings: some light swearing*

Part 11

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Sleep was still a problem, but you managed to get a couple hours in every now and then. You stayed vigilant while you started to get used to spending time in the compound.

Having your nightly routine at the gym had definitely helped your mind become clearer, but you still had no solid plan on how to escape. Stark was busy working on your leg, but said that he had made great progress. That wasn’t extremely helpful though, because he never shared and tangible update regarding how LONG it would take before you could walk properly again...

You decided that is was high time to start exploring your surroundings. No point in staying in your room, while you could start creating a mental map of the building, without attracting any attention from the others. After all, you were walking on your crutches and just needed to stretch your legs, right? 

So far, you’ve only been to Stark’s lab, the gym, and the kitchen, so this was a fairly small diameter explored compared to the size of the compound.

Escaping through the main entrance proved to be pointless, as the whole building was being secured by Starks AI system. Just opening the door without authorization would definitely set off an alarm. 

You had noticed that if specific doors (including the main entrance) needed to be opened, the team would scan their irises in front of a machine. This would be followed a computer voice stating that access was granted. One and one equals two... you would not be able to open the main doors without receiving the same access rights. 

With the way things were going right now, you would not expect Stark to jump on the opportunity to give you full access to the building. And more importantly, handing you the ability to leave the compound at your own leisure. 

While Stark has started to be more casual with you, trying to have you help him out in the lab, he would always keep a close eye on you. Trust issues clearly, which was ironic as he was one of the people that had betrayed you years ago. 

Having become a pro at using crutches, you where able to move around without tripping. Steve would keep his distance, but follow you around non the less.

You told him multiple time you didn’t like being followed, but he said he just wanted to be there, in case you needed help with something. He knew Sam had told him to leave you be, but after the short interaction in the gym, Steve felt that you weren’t as opposed to his presence as a couple weeks prior.

You rather be alone, but decided to tolerate Steve’s company. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.  

Steve would show you around the building and share stories on the way. He would talk about the encounters he had when getting out of the ice himself (like he did years ago). The shock of being in another time and the overwhelming tech all around him. He chuckled to himself when he shared the story on how his first time with a laptop went. It ended with him freaking out and bending the device in the wrong direction. 

Steve would carefully ask what you remembered, but you never gave him a straight answer. He knew that it was a bad idea to push you, as you still kept your guard up around him. But he wanted to start fixing your broken bond. Even if it would take the rest of his life, he would do anything to gain your forgiveness. You didn’t have to like him, but he wanted you to trust him again. 

He couldn’t ask you point blank whether you remembered the day you ran away. Steve knew all too well how hard it was to be thrown into a world you didn’t know. His experience was far from the hardship you must have gone through, but he really wanted to talk about it with you. 

While guilt was eating away at him, he knew it was best to not bring it up till he knew for sure you were ready. 

Whenever you spotted Bucky somewhere in the building, he would quickly walk away and never say a word to you when passing by. You didn’t care about his cold treatment, as you wouldn’t be spending much more time in this place. Once your leg was fixed, it was back to being by yourself.  

Steve would glance between the two super soldiers and felt his confidence shake. He could understand why YOU were distant, but he expected better from Bucky. Especially after he had asked Buck to put in some effort on his end.

------------ 

While he didn’t interact with you directly, Bucky didn’t ignore you completely.

Whenever you returned to your room, there would be a post-it note on your door. He would have written down the title of a specific book he wanted you to read up on, or the name of a song he recommended listening to. Sometimes he would tap on the wall in morse code, asking if you were there. 

At first you ignored his suggestions and the tapping on the wall. But after a couple of days where he wouldn’t stop ‘’harassing’’ you, you responded. Tapping softly on the wall you’d share a ‘’yes’’, and sometimes ‘’no’’. 

You would hear a chuckle coming from the other side of the wall, after which Bucky would turn on some music. Always from the 40s. You could hear him humming to the music, and you would lay on the floor listening to the notes dancing through the wall. 

After having this routine for a couple days, instead of leaving suggestions, he would leave questions. He didn’t leave the post-its on your door, but shoved them underneath it. You were hesitant to answer them, but slowly started to open up to Bucky. 

He would ask what music you liked, if there was a vegetable you hated, or what your favorite color was. For sane people these questions would be ridiculous, but you weren’t sane people. You had both gone through tremendous trauma, so you never had the time to think about these silly things.  

At first you started to reply to him on the post-its he wrote, and shoved them back underneath his door. But then you decided to lean against the wall in your room and talk to Bucky directly. He would comply and lean against the wall in his room. You would talk for a bit about random things, getting to know each other better in the process. Good thing you both have enhanced hearing.

Bucky would laugh from time to time, but you never showed much emotion in return. He was fine with it though. He didn’t care that you seemed cold and unapprochable. He was starting to feel a bond with you and hoped that you started to feel the same. Through your conversations and the music you played back and forth from your rooms, you did start to feel at ease with Bucky.

While you had promised yourself to never get close to another person again, there was something about Bucky that made it seem quite... natural.

You didn’t have to worry about Bucky seeing you as a freak... a monster. If you had an off day he would be there for you, in silence. He would tap on the wall, just to check in, and turn on some music to fill the space.  

It could happen that Bucky had an off day too. So you mimicked what he had done for you. Tapping on the wall to check in, putting on some music, and waiting till he was ready to talk again.

One night, Bucky asked you if it was okay for him to come over to your room. You weren’t sure whether it would be smart to let him in, but after thinking on it for a bit, you agreed. 

You could hear Bucky leaving his room, and a couple minutes later he softly knocked on your door. You grabbed your crutches and made your way over to open the door for him. Bucky stood in your doorway wearing some sweatpants and a blue sweater. He was holding up some drinks and a laptop.

‘Thought it might be a nice change of pace to uh.... watch a movie... together?’ 

He was unsure whether the suggestion might be crossing a line, but he really wanted to spend some time with you without a wall in between, separating you.

You stared at him for a moment but nodded. Bucky showed relieve on his face and made his way into your room. He motioned you to sit down next to him and he grabbed a chair to perch the laptop on. 

‘I’ve just found this movie, but I really want to watch it. Hope you don’t mind it being an animated one’, he grinned while looking at you. 

‘Never seen a ... animated movie before, you mumbled’. You can’t remember having ever seen a movie before, period. Having been a murder machine for years, followed by being on the run for your life, you could state you were too ‘’busy’’ to indulge in these normal type of activities. 

Bucky looked surprised but was also really happy. It was always him that was experiencing new things, and people making fun of him because of it. But this time, he knew something another person didn’t. It was childish maybe, but he felt happy about this silly matter. Especially as he was able to share this moment with you.

‘Better start out with watching this animated movie then’, he said with glee and a smile that reached his eyes. 

He turned on the movie and handed you a blanket. You frowned at him while holding it in front of you. 

‘No better way than watching a movie with a comfy blanket’, he said while partially covering you with the blanket you were holding. 

You didn’t understand the purpose of the blanket but let Bucky do his thing. You stared from the blanket to Bucky and nodded. Bucky laughed due to your amusing response and motioned you to focus on the laptop screen. 

The rest of the night you spend in silence mostly. You were fixated on the screen and the movie playing on it. Bucky smiled to himself. While you might have gone through a lot of shit, in this moment, you looked so calm and peaceful. While the rough lines on your face were visible, you seemed like a different person to Bucky. If he didn’t know better, he’d have thought you had known each other for years.  

Bucky could see the gears in your head turning while watching the movie. Your eyes would shift slightly when something happened, and a frown would form on your forhead. This let Bucky know that you were processing what had just happened in the scene. You would open your mouth slightly, as if you wanted to ask him something, but you’d quickly shut it again. 

He could see that you were clenching your right hand, after which you would release it again, and tighen your grip again afterwards. Bucky had seen this behavior before when you were in Starks lab, and when Steve was being his overbearing self. 

The only conclusion he could come up with was that it was something you did subconsciously. He wasn’t sure but thought it might be due to you feeling anxious or pressured. 

Bucky felt he had to do something to make you feel at ease, so he explained the situation which was playing out in the movie. You stopped tightening your right hand when he finished talking, and he saw relieve forming on your face. 

You must feel pressured having to ask questions, but Bucky understood. You’ve missed a lot, so trying to catch up to things people perceive as normal was hard. He had experienced the same struggle years ago, so he knew where to intervene and explain stuff to you, without you having to vocalize it. 

It was a quiet understanding. 

After that night, you would watch more movies together in the weeks following. And without skipping a beat, Bucky would explain parts of the movies to you when he noticed you were feeling lost. You started to feel more relaxed while watching movies with Bucky, and deep down something started to stir. Almost as if you were starting to enjoy yourself, even if this feeling was foreign to you.

While at first you would watch in your room exclusively, eventually, Bucky invited you to his room as well. It made you uncomfortable at first, but Bucky did his best to make you feel relaxed, which worked. So you started to alternate between the rooms to keep things ‘’fresh’’, as Bucky would say.

Slowly, he started to see you personality emerging from your broken shell. 

He knew that you REALLY liked animated movies, even if you would never admit it. You didn’t understand comedies, and was confused by the one and only romantic movie you both watched. It was uncomfortable for both parties, so Bucky quickly turned it off and opted for some music instead. 

You tried to watch an action movie, but this triggered your paranoia, so Bucky made a mental note to scratch that genre from the movie list. He showed you some movies that can be considered ancient, as they were shot in black and white, but he really enjoyed watching them. 

As you started to engage with music more and more, he decided to put on ‘‘Signin’ in the Rain’’. He could see how intriqued you were by it and tried getting you to dance with him. He was too caught up in the moment to realise that this was crossing a major line. Bucky panicked and quickly let go of your hand.

He apologized and offered you a sad smile. He wanted to go too fast and needed to take into account that all of this was still new to you. 

Especially having someone touch you without it being linked to fighting or surviving. 

Luckily, you didn’t seem to raise your guards or act colder towards him after the ‘’dance fiasco’’, so Bucky was just happy he didn’t screw things up between the both of you.

--------  

Bucky hadn’t heard you laugh... but he really hoped he could be the one making you laugh. He noticed how puzzeled you looked whenever he laughed, and just wanted you to experience how good it felt to laugh. Bucky didn’t know how to go at it, so he asked Sam for advice. 

‘Why you coming to me for?’ Sam asked on the phone. ‘Because it’s... it’s  embarassing asking Steve for help.... He doesn’t understand...’ Bucky confessed. 

Sam understood why Bucky might feel more at ease asking him than Steve. Cap was a problem solver and had a kind heart for sure. But sometimes he could be a bit overbearing. And as Sam has experience working with soldiers with PTSD, it made sense for Bucky to confide in him.

Sam knew that it would be tricky to get you to laugh on your own, without it feeling forced or outside your comfort zone. But he was pleasantly surprised by the stories Bucky shared with him. How you would allow Bucky in the same space and watch movies together. That you would talk to him, even if the topics were random. And essentially, that you were actively making memories with him.

The biggest surprise was when Bucky started to describe your personality in parts. It wasn’t fully fleshed out yet, but Bucky was convinced that you started to come out of your shell. 

Sam warned him that is was a marathon, not a race. And urged Bucky to pace himself. 

‘No good comes out of it by rushing things, man. I know you feel a bond with her, but you have to take care of yourself too. Your relationship is still fragile, so take it one step at a time’

Bucky would groan in response, but knew that Sam had a point. He had a few years of self healing beneath his belt, and you were just starting out, getting to know yourself. But when it came to you, he just wanted to give you the world, no matter the price it would take. 

He had grown quite fond of you in the short time you had spend together. It almost felt like he finally found.... home. There was someone in his life know, who could truly understand him.

On a daily basis, Bucky would update Sam about the situation. In return, Sam would provide him with advise on how to handle situations or what he could do to help your healing process along.

‘Am I turning into your personal therapist?’, Sam would ask after a couple of phone calls with Bucky. He listened while Bucky was talking about Y/N in as much detail as he could for the past hour. 

‘I’m not gonne pay you, that’s for sure!’, Bucky would respond with a grin on his face.

It made Sam happy to hear Bucky being passionate about something, or in this case someone. He believed that after all these years, Bucky deserved to be happy. But he was slightly worried that Bucky might be too obsessed with you. 

‘It’s great to hear about the process man, but maybe... take a step back every ones in a while? You’re spending an aweful lot of time with her, so maybe it will do you some good to take some personal time also?.’

Bucky fell silent. 

‘W...what do you mean? I thought you said it was a good thing that I was helping her?! Even Steve said so... he asked me!’

Sam sighed. 

‘I know, I know... and you’re doing a great job! But when you’re helping someone, it’s also important to take care of yourself. Right now, it seems that Y/N is starting to take over your life, and this edges on turning into an obsession for you...’

When it became clear that Bucky didn’t understand what he meant, Sam tried to explain it into simpler terms.

‘Look at it this way. You spend a lot of time together right? And when you’re not with her, you think about her. Wondering what she’s doing and what she’s thinking of? It’s starting to consume your life, stopping you from doing things because you’re worried that it might take away from your time with Y/N.’ 

Bucky listened in silence, while he processed what Sam was telling him.

‘So...what would happen if ,theoreticaly, you’d both were on a mission and you got hurt because you only focussed on Y/N instead of your surroundings? How do you think that would impact her?’ 

‘And what if another person got injured or was killed, because you only cared about protection Y/N?’

Sam finished talking and waited for Bucky to reply.

Bucky’s breathing started to become heavy and scenaries started to flash through his mind. He never thought that it could do harm to spend too much time with someone. He was enjoying himself and being able to help you with your healing journey was a major plus.

Sam cleared his throat.

‘I’m not saying that this is the case right NOW. But that is why I said it’s a marathon not a race. Just take it easy and try to spend some time by yourself. Y/N is not going anywhere, and I think it will do her some good also to have some alone time. It might make her realise that she cares about you...’ 

After a couple moments, Bucky replied. ‘O...okay Sam. I’ll try to take some distance. I didn’t think that what I was doing was harmful... to myself (or potentially others). I really enjoy spending time with her...’

Sam laughed, and reassured Bucky.

‘You’ve done an amazing job so far, truly. I’m happy for you man! And I’m happy to hear you’re enjoying yourself. As long as you keep your own health and mental state in mind also. If you do that, everything will be okay.’

Bucky thanked Sam for all the advice he had given him, but asked Sam not to share this information with anyone else. Not even Steve. When Sam asked for the reason why, Bucky said that he wanted to protect you. 

While he cared about Steve like a brother, he felt that the moment Steve heard about the progress that had been made, he would be too ‘’enthusiatic’’ and push you in a direction which would hinder the progress Bucky had made with you.

Sam couldn’t do anything but agree with that statement, as he had already warned Steve about taking it easy around you a couple weeks ago.

Bucky promised that he would take some time to himself every week and Sam in return promised to keep the progress with Y/N a secret.

------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​

#bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers x y/n #steve rodgers #sam wilson

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 9

*Warnings: some light swearing and talk of suicide (sort of), trauma*

Slightly longer chapter, sorry!

Part 10

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

After your arms were repaired, you stowed yourself away in your room. You wanted to be alone and knew that the moment you stepped outside, Steve would be there, asking if you’d like a tour, or whatever nonsense he could think of. 

You barely ate and just sat in the corner of your room, craddling yourself and softly humming to the overhead light’s buzzing. Steve made sure to leave food outside your door 3 times a day, but was worried when you rarely took anything off the tray. He would knock on your door to let you know he brought food. He would talk to you throught the door, asking if you wanted to stretch your legs or if he could bring you anything, but you never responded.

Concern increasing by the day, Steve called Sam. He told him that you were barely touching the food he brought, and had become worried as you needed to keep your strength up. Steve understood that you didn’t want to talk to him, but just a word or a sound would put him at ease. He didn’t want to forcefully open your door, as this could only be perceived as an attack on your end.  

Sam sighed, ‘You can’t force her to do anything Steve... Don’t forget...she has been by herself for YEARS. She most likely feels suffocated with you trying to entertain her, or whatever you’re doing....’

‘And the shit that went down last time she was in your custody.... You don’t want to start poking at the beast too soon...’

Steve was hurt by Sams remarks. ‘I know I screwed up Sam! I’m only trying to help her. She cannot be left by herself right now, she’s... vulnerable.’

‘SAYS WHO? Yes, she’s gone through a lot of shit, but why do you automatically assume she can’t be left by herself?! She’s taken care of herself for the past years...... so I’d say she can handle herself just fine....’ 

Steve stayed quiet. 

Maybe Sam was right... was he suffocating you? He couldn’t help it. After the incident in the lab, and you disappearing he felt horrible. But now that you were back, he wanted to do anything he could to help. But he might have been blinded by his urge to absolve the guilt that had solidified itself between the two of you.

‘Sorry Sam.... You’re right. I was too intruding on her personal space, wanting to help.... I’ll keep my distance and let her dictate what works and what doesn’t.’ 

Sam chuckled. 

‘That’s the spirit Cap. You’re a good guy, trust me.. and you have a big heart, but sometimes you need someone to reign you in a little. I don’t mind being the one pulling you back. As long as you don’t hit me!’, Sam started to laugh from the other side of the line. 

Steve smiled. ‘Thanks Sam, really... I appreciate it.’

‘Any time’, Sam said and hung up.

-------------------------

From that moment forward, Steve wouldn’t pester you when he brought your food. He would knock on the door, put down the tray with your food, and leave.

You were relieved that Steve had stopped trying to connect with you. Being reunited with the team was bad enough, but on top of that you had to deal with, a grumpy super soldier assassin as a neighbour, a genius engineer with an attitude and obnoxious musical taste, and a super soldier who felt the need to act as your personal support dog with every step you took.  

Safe to say, you weren’t enjoying your stay at the compound. You started to feel like you were in a daze the more time you spend inside your room. 

The second visit to the lab had brought up unwanted memories. Flashes at first, but always accompanied by horrendous noise. As if your brain was overheating and started to break down. You would lay curled up on the floor of your room while pressing your palms against your head. The pain was atrocious and it felt like you would pass out at any moment. No matter the torture you had gone through during your time at Hydra, memories (especially the retrieved ones) were painful as fuck.

- MEMORY -

You remembered parts of your time at HQ, and that horrible morning in the lab when Hydra almost managed to capture you. 

While you don’t remember much after the doctor started to speak the number sequence, you knew it couldn’t have been good. Your consciousness awoke somewhere in a forest. 

Blood dripping from your fists, clothes in tatters and your heartrate high. You weren’t able to move and just fell down on the forest floor. It was like you were stuck in an acid dream. You would float between consciousness and blacking out, finding yourself within a new part of the forrest when you woke up. 

It was a difficult couple days, but eventually you managed to stay conscious without losing control. You had made your way outside of the forest and walked along a dirt road. You didn’t expect to meet another human being for a while, as you must have been in a secluded part of the woodlands (based on your surroundings).

An hour or two of walking and you could hear the sound of a car engine roaring in the distance. From the sound alone you assumed it was an older model car. You contemplated whether to hide in the greenery or to keep walking. You decided on the latter, and kept your wobbly pace going while walking along the road. 

The car started to approach and slowed down when it was close by. The driver rolled down the passenger window.

‘Hey....HEY....You okay?!’

Their voice was filled with concern, which made sense as you looked like hell. You didn’t respond immediately, just walking in a daze, but turned your head to look at the driver.

It was an older gentleman. He must have gone fishing as you spotted a fishing rod laying on the backseat and the man was wearing a brown bucket hat. 

‘Do you need help!? Can I call anyone!? Were you in an accident!?’ Slight panic started to erupt from his voice.

You stopped and turned your full attention to the older gentleman. He stopped the car and as quick as he could, crawled out from the drivers seat.

‘We don’t have much, but we own a farm nearby. Some clean clothes and food might do you some good?’. He said with concern still present on his face. 

You thought for a moment whether it was a smart idea to get into a car with the stranger. While you had managed to stay awake, you weren’t sure if you were safe to be around other humans yet. 

You also perceived it as strange that the older man was willing to even help you in the first place. The blood that covered your hands and parts of your face and shirt, had dried up by now. But it was still clearly visible. 

When he noticed the dried up blood, the man froze for a moment, but quickly snapped out of it. He didn’t perceive you as a threat, and just wanted to help. 

You looked him over and observed his eyes. Strangely enough, he seemed very calm to you. As your brain was still fried from the last couple of hours, you weren’t able to say more than a few words.

‘Why...?’, you mumbled coldly.

The man jumped due to the sudden rumble of your voice. He looked up at you and adjusted his vest. 

‘Why what?’, he inquired while slowly making his way over to you.

Tired, you nodded at the car and looked at your attire.

It took the man a couple seconds, but he seemed to understand what you were referring to. 

‘Ah...yes... You might think I’m an odd geezer don’t ya. Picking up strangers he passes by who look like they’ve gone through the meat grinder.’

He pushed his glasses further up his nose and smiled at you. 

‘Out here, we look out for each other. Doesn’t matter that you’re not from around here. When we see a person in need, we help. No questions asked.’ 

The older gentleman offered another warm smile, while walking around you. He made sure not to touch you and opened the passenger door. 

‘Please, let us help. You don’t have to stay long, but we can give you some clothes, food and money for the road.’ He stared at you hopeful. 

Too tired to even think whether it was safe or not to trust the older man, you slowly nodded and crawled into the passenger seat. The older gentleman was relieved and closed the door behind you. He walked around the front of the car and took his seat behind the wheel.

‘Name’s Carl,’ he said while starting the car engine.

‘My wife’s name’s Marie. Oh, she bakes the best cherry pie in the county! Just wait till you taste a slice!’ You didn’t respond and stared out over the dirt road zipping by.

‘Can I ask your name?’ he asked carefully while driving down the road. Your body was swaying due to the unevenness of the road and you kept staring in front of you.

‘.....Y.....Y/N..’, you muttered coldly.

‘Y/N... That’s a fine name!’, Carl said while smiling at you. 

‘Don’t worry Y/N. We’ll fix you up and help you where we can.’

You would spend the next couple of months on Carl and Marie’s farm. You would stay in the barn, as you weren’t comfortable being in the same house as the older couple, which they didn’t mind. You would help Carl around the farm, plowing the land and helping him with feeding the farm animals. 

Like Carl promised when he picked you up from the side of the road, they never asked you how you ended up in the forrest. It wasn’t any of their business in their mind, and they simply wanted to help another samaritan.

Marie would ask you to help in the kitchen, which you were terrible at. You didn’t have the coordination to move around in the cramped space, and holding knives had only one purpose for you, to kill. Marie noticed your hesitance, and opted for you to start out with plastic knives. This made you less tense, and Marie showed you how to cut or peel vegetables.

She would always laugh when you tried to copy what she was doing (poorly), but she had the patience of a saint. She would teach you how to prepare ingredients and cook simple things and after a while, she thought you were ready to use normal knives again. 

They both had seen your prosthetic arms, and while it scared them at first, they didn’t see you as a threat. A bit anti-social and odd looking, and most definitely distant, yes, but they also saw you as a person. Someone who needed help after hitting a rough patch in life.

When it was time to leave the farm, you had learned a lot. You were able to cook food for yourself and Carl had made sure that you gained some survival tips and tricks. Of course, he didn’t know you were a fully trained assassin, a weapon... But for some weird reason, you couldn’t make yourself stop him from hammering on and on about the importance of survival and staying safe.

Maybe it was the environment, the fresh air, or the simple fact that these people had taken care of you in a loving way. You didn’t realize it then, but years later, you understood that at that small farm, tucked away in the woods, was the first time you had experienced peace. 

They had given you enough supplies to last you a month, and had even given you a list with phone numbers and addresses of family they had living across the country. They had already informed them that if you needed a place to stay, there would be a place for you to go. 

They drove you to the nearby busstop. 

You nodded at the older couple as a way of saying thanks. Marie shed a tear as Carl hold her close. He smiled at you and wished you luck, saying you would always be welcome in their home.

You got on the bus and made your way to Washington DC. You’ve never seen the couple since.

From there on out you would gather intel on Hydra agents hidding within the country. You needed to find leads on the doctors that tortured you, so the best way to do that was by working your way through the footsoldiers.

You had made some progress, untill Hydra started to get a whiff of your activities. It was a risky game, so you made sure to lay low for a month or so before continuing your investigation. After a while there wasn’t any new information trickling in. The Hydra agents were far and few between, and they didn’t have the info you needed. 

You continued your search, but it was made harder as assassins and mercenaries would persue you. 

Having been the unstoppable murder machine prior, and the fact that you were programmed to obey if they could figure out your sequence, it made sense that you were a hot commodity in the criminal underworld. And the bounty on your head was hefty. 

You guess you had to be grateful for the fact that only the highest chain of command in Hydra knew your sequence. And that your red book was kept hidden unless needed.

You spend more time running and hidding than finding answers. After a while you had to pause your revenge plan on the doctors responsible for your hell. It was more important to stay alive and out of the hands of Hydra. 

And that is how you lived your life before Steve, Natasha and Bucky caught you that night. 

- END OF MEMORY -   

You didn’t know how long it was going to take for your leg to be fixed, and as Stark had said, it could take weeks... You needed to make sure you kept your strength up and sitting in your room wouldn’t do you any good.

You decided to go to the gym to keep your mind of things. You saw Steve standing at the end of the corridor, being on the phone with someone. He nodded at you and continued his phonecall. You were surprised that he didn’t jump on the opportunity to annoy you with questions, and innitiate a unwanted conversation. You made your way into the gym and started to work out. 

Steve would observe from a distance, but made sure not to interupt you or be too overbearing. You noticed he was starring at you and paused for a moment.

‘Why are you staring from the ‘’shadows’’.? 

Steve panicked and cleared his throat. As you were the one innitiating the conversation, he thought it would be okay to engage in small talk.

‘I’m not in the shadows....just keeping my distance.’

You showed surprise on your face, which in turn surprised Steve. He didn’t expect you to even bother to listen to his explanation.

‘Right....’, you answered while continuing your workout.

Steve didn’t know what to do. Did you want him to leave, or could he stay?

You noticed how akward Steve was being and sighed. 

‘Towel’. 

Steve froze.

‘What?’

....

‘Towel’, you pointed at the stack of towels close to Steve.

He followed where you were pointing at and quickly grabbed one. The stack fell over and Steve tried to catch it, but to no avail. Towels scathered across the floor, you shook your head.

Steve turned to you with a painful smile and slowly walked in your direction.

‘Here....’, he said and handed you a towel. 

You nodded and wiped away the sweat dripping off your face. 

The room was quiet for a moment, but Steve carefully asked a question in return.

‘Do....do you need anything else?, he scratched his head while taking a few steps back. 

‘No... I’m good’, you answered.

Steve smiled and nodded. He was happy that you had this little chat. Even if it were just a few words, he was relieved that you had innitiated the conversation.

You looked up at him and tilted your head to the side. Almost to ask him why he was still here. Steve understood the hint and quickly spinned on his heels and left the gym.      

After the encounter with Steve, you made sure to visit the gym late at night, when it was less likely to bump into ‘’someone’’. You wanted to work out in peace without having to strike up conversation. While you had noticed that Steve had indeed taken a back seat when it came to pestering you, less outgoing than before for sure, it was still mentally draining on you.

Bucky could hear you leave at night and decided to follow you in secret after a couple of nights had past. He simply wanted to know what you were up to in the dead of night, and as he rarely slept for long, he could use the distraction.

Quietly, while staying in the shadows, he followed you down the hallway. Sometimes you would stop, thinking you heard movement from behind you. But when you looked around you vicinity and didn’t see anything, you credited it to sleep deprivation.

Bucky found out that your nightly adventures were to the gym, which the team had build in one of the corners of the factory. He would observe from a distance and saw how you struggled moving around with just one leg. You would fall on the floor, and he felt the urge to help you. But then he reminded himself of the incident in your room that morning. He would feel anger bubbling up again, and muttered to himself that he didn’t have to do shit. 

----------------

In the weeks following, Bucky would avoid you like the plague. Still pissed off with what you had proposed that morning, he couldn’t look at you, much less being in the same room. It definitely had touched a deep part within him, and he wasn’t sure whether he was capable of helping you. Much less if you would accept his help in the first place.

You passed by Bucky on your way to Stark’s lab, as Tony had called you over regarding measurements needed for your prosthetic leg. You felt he soldier’s eyes burning on your backside. Ignoring him, you kept on going. Steve however paused for a moment to talk to his friend.

‘Can you cool the death stares!? I know something happened between the two of you, but can you at least TRY to make her feel welcome?

Bucky’s mouth fell open. ‘Are you FUCKING kidding me?! I’ve done nothing wrong! Yes.... I broke her leg... BUT.. it was beyond repair anyway! It’s that suicidal peg leg that needs to cool it!’

Steve in turn was surprised by the colorful language Bucky was using, but knew well not to make his ‘’language’’ remark in this heated moment. A snipped of Bucky’s rant raised concern for Steve however.

‘What do you mean suicidal? What have you guys been talking about that morning when you stormed out of Y/N’s room!?’

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose and knew he couldn’t take back what he had just blurted out. Steve of all people wouldn’t let him leave without telling the truth. 

Taking a deep breath to calm his emotions, he shared what you told him that morning. Worry started to spread across Steve’s face. He knew this was a major problem. Not only for you... but for Bucky also. He wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea still to have Bucky be your support buddy. 

Grabbing Bucky by his shoulders, Steve needed to hear more. ‘And that’s all she told you? Promise me Buck that that was all!’

Bucky pushed him away. ‘Yes Steve, nothing else.... or wasn’t that dark enough for you?’, he growled. Steve saw the pained expression on his friends face and knew not to push further. 

Steve crossed his arms and was lost in thought. This could derail the whole operation he had planned for you. He wanted you to join them, and assist the team in taking down the (hopefully) last HYDRA cell that had emerged a couple months ago.

But with this worrisome news, Steve wasn’t sure whether that plan was still achievable. Trying to get you stable was one thing, but you throwing your life away so easily, meant that you could be manipulated under the right conditions. 

It was far too dangerous now, to reintroduce you to Hydra during the planned mission.

He had to delay the mission as much as possible, before there would be no other way than to act. With or without you.  

“Okay Buck, thanks for telling me the truth. We need to think of a way to help her’. Bucky nodded but wasn’t sure whether anything could be done at this point.

‘Y/N might be too far gone Steve.... it’s like she has made up her mind that she wants to die.. sooner rather than later’.

‘Don’t say that Buck! I know that isn’t true. I know that deep down there is life to be found. We got you back didn’t we? So why not her?’

‘Yeah... but I still had some form of emotion within me. And I had my memories with you, remember? I don’t know whether it’s possible for Y/N to get control back over her emotions. It has been years... And she doesn’t have any memories pre-hydra. So her whole life up to this point has been torture, murder and running away.’

Steve frowned and paced back and forth. He knew Bucky had a point. Your range of emotions weren’t broad to begin with. In the months you were with them prior, he saw: annoyance, frustration and a slight slither of panic. But nothing of the major emotions which could be considered on the more positive side of the spectrum. 

They never figured out if you had a life before Hydra like Bucky had. And right now was not the best time to ask you whether you remembered any of it. Not having any shared memories or connections was a problem for sure. The only connector was your name, but that had proven to be fruitless during your last stay with them. 

And after everything that went down, there was no way you would open up again... to Steve at least. So...while he was worried for the well being of his best friend, he knew that Bucky was his only shot at getting you to open up.

Bucky shared with Steve that you were extremely scared when he woke you from your nightmare. And that you almost sounded sad when you responded to his questions. It wasn’t much to go on, but Steve was convinced that deep down, your emotions started to break through. 

He wasn’t sure what the cause for it was, but he liked to believe it was because of Bucky’s presence, and the shared trauma you had. Kindred spirits if you like. 

Even if your emotions were burried or locked behind a mental door, they had to find a way to break them out. They just had to make sure they did it in a safe manner. Overwhelming you with emotions was not the right move to make. If only they could have you experience one postive emotion. That might trigger a connection to occur...

‘I’ll think of something to get the ball rolling. Just promise me you will try to cool it around Y/N. I’m not expecting you to be her best friend or anything, but maybe try spending some more time with her? Just be there for her, as you are the only one who can understand the trauma she has gone through’.

Bucky clenched his jaw but knew Steve was right. He knew the hell you were currently in. Without support, there we no way you could start the healing process. He wouldn’t be the man he is now without help from his friends, and more specifically Steve.

With slight hesitance, Bucky nodded and made his way over to his room. He closed the door and fell down on his bed. Why the hell did this situation have to be so god damn complicated!

----------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​

#bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x #bucky barnes x y/n #steve rodgers #steve x reader #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers x reader #steve rodgers x y/n #sam wilson

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 8

*Warnings: some light swearing, trauma, blood*

It a longer one, sorry! Needed to provide some context.

Part 9

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Steve hadn’t muttered a single word to you after he knocked on your door. While he wanted to ask what you and Bucky were arguing about before he arrived, he felt that it wasn’t his place to do so. Even though Bucky looked furious when he left your room, he had enough faith in his friend to leave the unknown issue be for now. Bucky could handle it, Steve thought.

--------

During your second visit to Starks lab, it was clear that your arms needed repairing too. While they were in better shape than your right leg was, Stark was adament that he had to repair them asap. 

‘Just to be on the safe side’, he noted while grabbing some tools from a nearby trolley. He rolled a magnifying glass with lighting attached behind you, and positioned it over your arms.

‘Showtime’.

Steve kept himself busy with reading up on some regulations with a stack of mission reports laying next to him on the couch. Stark was rocking to some AC/DC and told Jarvis that he needed a specific reading from your arm.  

You thought the music Stark was blasting through the lab was loud and obnoxious, but knew that if you made a remark about it, Stark would simply turn the volume up even higher. ‘As long as he fixes my arms...’, you murmured to yourself.

Steve stared at you from over the report he was holding, and shared a sympathetic look. He himself wasn’t a big fan of Tony’s musical taste either, but as Stark was the only one in the building that could repair your prosthetics, he had to suck it up, same as you. 

‘Time for a quick break, my back is killing me’, Tony said after 2 hours had passed, while massaging his lower back. 

‘Anyone need anything from the kitchen? .... No? Well... don’t say I’m not a charitible person.’ Tony put his hand over his heart and made a fake sad face.

He made his way out of the lab and walked down the hallway. Steve thought this would be the perfect moment to ask Stark about the actual progress regarding your prosthetics. Not wanting to start an argument with you present in the room. 

He put his report aside and followed Stark into the hallway. Making sure to be out of earshot of someone with super soldier hearing (you), Steve stopped Tony in his tracks. 

‘Stark.... We need to talk.’

Stark looked at Cap with a confused expression. ‘What about Cap?’

‘Don’t play dumb with me. I know something was off when you started working on Y/N’s leg yesterday. Just tell me what’s bothering you.’ He looked at his friend with concern written all over his face. 

Tony sight but knew that Cap wasn’t going to fall for any of his normal excuses. 

‘....There’s nothing really bothering me....’ He rubbed his cheek and folded his arms. ‘Just... seeing her laying down on that table...made me remember when we brought her back to HQ.’ He leaned against the wall and stared at the floor.

Steve nodded but was surprised by how open Tony was being with him right now. No sarcasm or snarky remarks. Arms still folded, Tony started to stroke his arm softly, almost to comfort himself. 

‘What went through your mind?’ Steve asked.

‘You know what.... When our pride made us blind to the person we were hurting. I ..... we... didn’t see her as a person, but as a mystery waiting to be uncovered. I thought I was able to crack the code. But in doing so....I forgot that I was dealing with a very mentally damaged individual.’ 

Steve put his hand on Starks shoulder. ‘You know it was an accident. We thought we were..’ 

Stark scoffed. ‘If we hadn’t been so blind.... Y/N ... She wouldn’t have had to go through more trauma..’

‘Jesus Steve... We almost handed her back to Hydra on a silver platter! If we had believed her that night... non of it would have happened!

‘Instead.... we hurt her...forcing her to be on the run for all these years...alone’

Tony showed a pained expression and avoided Caps gaze.

Steve kept quiet. He knew what Stark was referring to, but he never imagined that it was weighing that heavily on Tony’s conscious. 

‘We made a mistake back then... yes. But we’ve got her back now. We can make things right again.’

Stark stayed quiet, and nodded softly. ‘That’s an easy way of looking at it Cap. But it doesn’t take away what happened.’

He pushed himself away from the wall and walked into the kitchen.   

- FLASHBACK -

When they brought you back to HQ, Tony got into a fight with Cap because he didn’t agree with trying to help you. After a lot of back and forth shouting, Tony reluctantly agreed to helping you.

During the initial brain scan he took, he was shocked by the state of your mind. He couldn’t believe that you were still able to function, even if he wasn’t sure whether you actually were. You lay on a table, strapped down, like a hollow shell. You hadn’t said a word since they caught you and just stared at them with emotionless eyes.

It kind of creeped Stark out, but he knew you weren’t going to do them any harm. You wouldn’t be able to get out of your harness easily, and his teammates were closeby in cause you would try something.

Steve suggested to Stark to reach out to Shuri, which he did. He followed her advise and started to think of a successful approach with you. With Bucky still in Wakanda, Steve felt it was best not to share with his best friend that you were here. He asked Shuri to not mention you to Bucky, to which she agreed. Steve was worried that any tangible piece of Bucks painful past could hinder his healing process.

He didn’t know why, but Tony felt sorry for you. Stark didn’t like you one bit, and wished he could just put you into a cell and never look at you again. But he could see that you were still human, deep down. The following days, Stark started getting to know you through gathered data from the digital copy he had made from your mind. While you were on ice, he didn’t have to worry about a potential ‘’malfunction’’. He extracted some flashes of your past, which proved to be useless, but he managed to learn your name, Y/N.

Convinced that you couldn’t truly get to know a person through data alone, Steve demanded from Stark to include a more personal route also.

Every day, both Stark and Steve would ‘’try’’ to strike up conversation with you. It felt akward to the both of them, because you would just lay there on a table, but they kept trying.

While you didn’t answer any of their questions at first, as more time passed by where you weren’t being triggered into becoming a winter soldier, you started to respond.

Your answers were short, but progress was being made. Steve knew a bond was starting to be formed and felt that it was time to let you stretch your legs a bit. Of course, Stark was against it, but after a long discussion they agreed that if you were supervised by Steve and wore Stark’s custom made cuffs, he would let you be.

Steve would take you outside into the courtyard, where there was a small park. He would tell you stories about his time in Boston and whatever else popped into his mind. You would respond here and there and sometimes even ask a question in return. This would excite Steve who was more than happy to oblige. You didn’t mind listening to 40′s music, and some of the books Steve brought you helpt you take your mind of things.

Stark and Steve started to see short glimpes of what they perceived to be your personality. It was very rare, but when it was brought to the surface, you looked more human than murder machine. While you struggled with expressing yourself with emotions, they knew they were on the right track.

After a couple of months, considering you to be ‘‘stable’‘, Stark wanted to conduct a new experiment. He explained the plan to Steve, who hated it, but promised to allow it as long as you were safe. Stark also shared his idea with you. While you didn’t express any feelings on the matter, Steve saw the fear in your eyes.

Stark thought it would be interesting to see if by antagonizing you in a controlled environment, he would be able to pin point certain personality traits. He hoped that he could isolate them on scans, and in return enlarge those data points and '’overwrite’’ your mental wiring.

Shuri had expressed concern when being consulted on the plan. She thought it would be too dangerous for all parties involved, but more so for you. As your mental state was far worse than that of Bucky, she was adament that Stark should follow the process she had conducted with Bucky (which had proven successful).

Stark, being driven by pride, wanted to run a test trial. If it proved to be too dangerous, he would follow Shuri’s advise without complain.

The night before the trial would commence, you asked Steve to meet you in your cell. Surprised by the sudden invitation, Steve joined you. You started talking about the procedure that would happen the next day.

‘There is no need to worry Y/N, I’ll be there every step of the way. And we’ll make sure you’re safe.’

You kept quiet but knew you had to share with Steve what you had discovered in the last couple of days.

Grabbing the sleeve of Steve’s sweater, you looked at him with concern.

‘I need to get out of here.’

Steve frowned and patted your hand.

‘What do you mean, get out of here? Is something wrong? Did we do something to upset you?’

You shook your head and increased the grip on his sleeve.

‘Hydra is here’, you said in a hushed voice.

Steve didn’t register completely what you had just told him and chuckled.

‘What...? What are you talking about? This is SHIELD HQ, the safest place on the planet. If Hydra was here, we would be the first ones to know.’

He smilled at you and pulled his arm away.

‘Why do you think Hydra is here?’ Steve started to see frustration on your face.

‘I saw them’, you answered back.

‘You...saw them? Where?’

‘One of the doctors in the infirmary....he’s Hydra’. You clenched your fists and stared at Steve. He needed to believe you. You trusted him.

Steve kept quiet for a moment and looked you in the eyes. He saw no triggers or signs that your mind was starting to slip. You were being dead serious.

Shaking is head, he leaned back into his chair.

‘How are you so sure that this doctor you saw is part of Hydra?’

You clenched your jaw.

‘Because I never forgot the faces of the doctors that tortured me’.

Steve started to feel worried. Was this your paranoia running amock? Would you become a danger to the people in the building? Were you starting to see things that weren’t there? Confusing fiction with reality?

He sat up straight in his chair and responded with a firm tone.

‘Hydra isn’t here Y/N, you’re safe. Go get some sleep for now and I’ll pick you up in the morning.’

He started to get up from his chair, but you grabbed his hand.

‘Why don’t you believe me?’

‘I believe you, but there is no point in worrying about something that might not even be true. I’ll go have a talk with Stark and discuss our moves from there, okay?’

Steve thought it might be best to postpone the trial for now. As it was clear that you weren’t as stable as they thought you were. He needed Stark’s input on the matter.

‘Don’t worry’, he said in an comforting tone. ‘Just sleep for now’.

You let go of Steve’s hand and dropped back into your chair. Steve left your cell and closed the door behind him.

‘He didn’t believe me..’, you whispered in shock. ‘I have to get out of here!’.

Unfortunately, your cell was locked and would only open when either Steve of Stark would pick you up.

You didn’t get a wink of sleep that night. Panic spreading through your body. Hydra was going to take you back to that hell you didn’t want to return to. You didn’t know when, but you didn’t want to risk finding out.

-----------------

The next morning Steve knocked on your cell door. After having a discussion with Stark last night, they decided to continue the trial. Stark didn’t think that you were unstable. ‘Most likely nerves getting to her,’ he had said while making preparations for the next morning. 

Steve greeted you with a smile but saw something was wrong. You were back to your closed off self. He tried to make small talk with you, but the only thing he got in return was your cold exterior.

Your mind was on high alert as Steve put cuffs around your wrists. ‘Nothing is going to happen, you’re safe’. He said while escorting you to Stark’s lab.

Scanning around the hallways, you searched for the face of the Hydra doctor. He could pop out at any moment. Steve noticed how tense you were but didn’t pressure you into talking to him.

You both entered Stark’s lab and Steve guided you to a chair. You sat down and Steve removed the cuffs and replaced them with the bindings hanging from the chair.

‘Just a precausion Y/N,’ Stark said while typing on his computer. 

‘We want to keep you safe from yourself.’ He finished typing and focussed his attention on you.

‘So, to recap what we’re going to do. I will show you some images to try and get an emotional response out of you. There will be some light shock therapy happening in the background, to try and kickstart your body.’ 

‘But the voltage isn’t high, so it will not hurt you. It will be more like a light stinging sensation. After that, we will slowly increase the voltage but never more than you can handle.’

‘Just let me know when you’re ready.’

You sat, strapped down into the chair, frozen. You mind was going 100 miles an hour. You could feel panic spreading through your limbs.

Stark moved into your field of vision and waved to get your attention.

‘You ready Y/N?’

You didn’t respond but gave a quick nod. You thought that the lab would be the safest place for you right now. Steve and Stark were both here and the lab was closed off from unauthorized personnel. Only members with a high security clearance were allowed in.  

Stark put a protector piece in your mouth and walked back to his computer.

‘Commencing the trial in 3......2......1...’. He pushed the button and images started to flash on a screen in front of you.

Pictures of people, going about their daily life, animals, nature, food. Then... a picture popped up from one of the people you had killed. It was just a second, but you clearly saw their face. Your body started to tense.

More and more pictures of your victims started to pop up, disguished between the otherwise harmless images.

You started to strain against your bindings. Steve wanted to comfort you but Stark motioned him to keep his distance. You could feel electric pulses buzzing through your body.

From the corner of your eye, a man approached the scene. You pushed against the bindings of the chair and tried to yell with the protector piece in your mouth. 

Stark looked up from his screen to see what got you rilled up, but before he could respond, the stranger hit him on the head. Stark fell down, unconcious.

Steve, surprised by the sudden invasion of the stranger, ran up to the man who had attacked Stark. The man pulled a weapon out from under his jacket and started to shoot at Steve. Cap jumped out of the way and ran up for another attack. The man altered something on the gun, aimed at Steve once more, and fired. An electric pulse emitted from the gun hit Cap straight in the chest.

Steve fell to the ground and lay there, motionless.

‘No worry my dear’, the man said with a foreign accent.

‘Your ‘’friend’’ is simply... paralyzed. Don’t want him stopping our emotional reunion now do we.’

You started to squirm violenty, trying to break the bindings.

‘We’ve been looking for you... There is work needed to be done, and I think you’ve had enough of a ...vacation... Wouldn’t you say?’

The doctor stepped closer.

Steve started to grunt and tried to get his body to move.

‘Such a shame....I will have to reprogram you. These vile insects have infected my perfect creation. Now...let’s get you back to where you belong...’

The doctor grabbed a small red notebook with a star on it.

Your eyes went wide and you fought the best you could against the bindings. One of the metal clamps covering your right arm started to creak against the force you were dealing out.

‘Ah...you recognize this...don’t you’.

The doctor opened the book and stared at you with an atrocious expression.

‘You know that I don’t need this book to activate you. I’ve commited it to memory, but it is nice to hold a piece of memorabilia.’

You banged your head back and forth. You lifted your right arm and the metal clamp finally broke. You quickly removed the protector piece from your mouth, and grabbed the clamp holding down your left arm and started to pull.

‘Our soldier shall rise....’ the doctor spoke, while walking around you in a circular motion.

‘STOP IT!’, you screamed.

You broke your left arm free and tear off the leather strap around your neck. Pulling at the bindings holding your legs in place.

‘Plunging our enemies into their demise...’

You knew that the number string was the last part the doctor needed to repeat for the Winter Soldier program to activate. You tear at your leg bindings but the metal clamps wouldn’t give way.

‘STEVE... PLEASE.. YOU PROMISED TO PROTECT ME!’ you shouted with fear flooding your voice.

‘Oh.... how I do love a poetic rhyme’, the doctor said before innitiating the final piece of the sequence.

‘5...4...6..’ *BANG*

The sound of a gun being fired echoed through the lab.

Before the doctor could finish the number sequence, he fell to the floor with a bullet in his head. Natasha stood in the doorway with her gun raised. She was out of breath, sweat dripping off her face.

She put the gun away and ran towards you.

‘It’s over Y/N.’

You couldn’t control the shaking and your head hung downwards. Natasha softly lifted your head to make eyecontact with you, but was met with an expression of terror.

Blood was dripping from your mouth, you must have bitten your cheeks and most likely your tongue. Your eyes were glazed over and it was like your body didn’t have a host any longer.

Natasha shook you vigirously, trying to wake you up. With no response, she quickly removed the bindings of your legs and pushed you back into the chair. 

‘Steve... STEVE... something is wrong!’ Natasha yelled in panic.

She ran towards Steve and turned him on his back. She grabbed an adrenaline injection and plunged it into his chest.

Caps muscles contracted and he left out a breathy exhale. Steve sat up and coughed a couple times before getting to his feet and running towards you.

‘She’s not responding Steve...’. Natasha’s voice cracked.

He kneeled down in front of you and carefully hold your hand.

‘Come back to use Y/N... p..please...’. He softly brushed his tumb over your palm.

Your arm jolted and slowly your limbs started to move. You lifted your head, eyes still glazed over. Steve threw your arm over his shoulder and helped you to stand up straight.

Your breathing was heavy and your body started to twitch. Before Steve could register what happened, you punched him in the chest. Launching him across the lab. Natasha tried to calm you down, but there was no response coming from you. 

Your mind was stuck somewhere in limbo, and the only thing on your mind was to run.

Turning around, you ran out of the lab while fighting through a horde of SHIELD agents that had gathered around the lab. 

Natasha was following a lead regarding the Hydra cell hideout, and found out too late, that they had started to infiltrate SHIELD. She had gathered some agents and ran as fast as she could to the lab. When she saw the doctor from the photo that was taken a couple of days ago, she didn’t hesitate.

Shots fired and screams emitted from down the hallway could be heard clearly from within the lab.

You had killed most of the agents when you made your way outside of the building. You started to run and disappeared into thin air.

- END OF FLASHBACK -  

After returning from his short break, Stark got back to work. Steve had a grim expression, but tried to hide it the best he could when he walked back into the lab. You were still looking at the ceiling, not having moved a muscle.

It took Stark 3 more hours, but he was satisfied with the endresult. You rolled your shoulders and wiggled your fingers to test out the repairs.

‘Smoother than before right?’ Stark commented while getting up from his seat to put away his tools. 

‘Yeah’, you answered while observing your arms more closely. 

Steve got up from the couch and walked over to the table you were sitting on. He looked at your prosthetics and thought they looked good (even though he had no clue how they actually worked). 

‘Thank you’, you whispered while avoiding eyecontact with either Steve or Tony.

Steve was surprised but smiled afterwards. This was the first time since they got you back, where you showed the personal progress you had made. He had never heard you say thank you before. Not even during your previous stay with them years ago. 

‘What?’ Stark asked while looking up from his computer screen.

You froze and stared at the ground. You felt uncomfortable with the current situation and pushed yourself up from the table.

‘Not repeating myself’, you murmured while grabbing your crutches. 

‘Just messing with ya kid. Heard you the first time’. Stark laughed while continuing to type some notes on his computer. 

Your arms did indeed move better than before. No way you would have ever been able to repair them as well as Stark did. No more clicking noises or having trouble moving your hands.

‘Don’t worry Y/N. I’ve made sure that your arms can handle a ton of impact. They won’t break on you that easily anymore.’

His design for your new prosthetic leg was starting to take shape, but he still needed to work out some of the bugs before he could start constructing it. 

‘Give me a couple more days Y/N.... Or weeks.... and your leg will be ready before you know it’ Stark said with a gleeful smile. 

The truth was, creating a new leg for you proved to be harder than he first anticipated. Not only was your leg incredibly damaged, he also needed to think of a way to repair the base structure the prosthetic would be build around. It could easily take weeks instead of days before he figured that one out. Building it from scratch was definitely a setback time wise. 

‘I’ll let you know once I’m ready to start constructing your new leg. Till then, please enjoy your stay at our amaaaaaazing... 1 star factory hotel.’ Tony chuckled while motioning around him.

You rolled your eyes and nodded. 

If Stark was honest with himself, he was a bit hesitant giving you back full mobility. He still wasn’t convinced fully that you weren’t a threat... to him. 

Maybe you would take your revenge the moment he installed your leg? So any extra time he could get from keeping you from walking around freely.... he’d take it.

Just a little while longer and you would be able to escape. But the moment you thought that to yourself, you paused. You would be able to leave, run away again. That was the plan all along, but why were you so hesitant after hearing the good news? 

A flash of Bucky’s aggravated face crossed your mind. Why did you get reminded of the argument this morning? Normally, you would have forgotten conversations before they ended. 

Steve, stopping himself from tapping you on the shoulder out of habbit, cleared his throat to pull you back into the present. 

‘Lost in thought?’ he inquired. 

You glared at him and made your way to the lab exit door. 

‘Don’t you want a tour through the building?’, Steve asked, while walking behind you.

‘No’, you answered shortly. 

‘How about something to eat then? I’m not a great cook, but I can make you some pancakes’! Steve asked hopeful. 

He kept following you through the hallways, and if it wasn’t for your crutches, you’d have kicked him square in the face.

You arrived at your room and opened the door. ‘Just leave me alone!’, you growled and slammed the door behind you. 

Steve jumped as the door slammed shut, but he felt a bit of relieve welling up inside him. 

‘She responded with more than 1 word... so that’s progress... right?’ Steve sight and made his way over to the kitchen. He could definitely use some strong coffee. 

--------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers #steve x reader #steve rodgers x y/n #steve rodgers x reader #tony stark x reader #tony stark

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 7

*Warnings: some light swearing, talk of suicide, dark/negative thoughts, talk/thought of dying)*

Part 8

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

You awoke from a deep slumber. Not used to feeling disoriented when you woke up, you rubbed your eyes slowly. Even though you were well rested (for your standards), it felt like your head had gone through a blender. You pinched the bridge of your nose, trying to alleviate the pressure that had build up within your forhead. While you remembered having a pretty bad nightmare, you felt surprisingly calm...

After the turmoil of yesterday, you should think it’s a good thing that you managed to get a few hours in. Normally, if you had a nightmare, you were never able to sleep afterwards. You could stay awake for days without a wink of rest. And actually falling into a deep sleep? That was definitely a new experience for you. But it wasn’t the sleeping part that bothered you as much as the how part.

Laying on your back you moved over to your left side. As your vision became clearer you also noticed that you weren’t laying on your pillow. Why? Because you saw it leaning against a wall opposite from where you were laying on the floor. This caused panic to start vibrating through your body.

You started to stir a bit and something heavy wrapped itself around your shoulder. Adrenaline kicked in immediately and your whole body froze. You were not alone in this room. You quickly scanned the room for anything you could use as a weapon, but came up empty (crutches aren’t exactly weapon material).

Sure, you didn’t really ‘’need’’ a weapon because your arms should be plenty. But you weren’t sure whether your arms could withstand another fight. Not having your right leg complicated things, and if you wanted to overpower the intruder, you had to move fast.

After a quiet exhale, you looked over your right shoulder to see who the intruder was sitting next to you. Bucky’s right arm dropped, due to you shifting positions, from your shoulder and was now drapped around your torso. Almost in a protective manner but way too close for comfort in your opinion. 

Bucky was breathing slowly and evenly with his head slighly slumped to the side. He looked quite different from when you met him yesterday. Way less aggressive for sure... But that wasn’t important right now. Why the hell was Bucky here? And why were you sleeping on his lap?! Alarm bells going off in your head you had to move away from him as quickly as you could.

You slowly got up and softly pushed Bucky’s arm away from you. This caused his left arm to fall to the floor, creating a clanking sound to be heard. You paused for a moment, hoping the noise wouldn’t wake him. A small sigh of relieve followed when Bucky hadn’t moved a muscle. Must be a heavy sleeper, you thought. 

You knew an arm shouldn’t be making that sound in the first place, so you leaned over Bucky and noticed his left hand looked.... weird. Way darker than his skin tone.... Due to the events of yesterday, you hadn’t registered that Bucky had a prosthetic arm. You were more focussed on not getting shot than observing the shooters physique.... 

When you met him on the street outside your building, he was wearing a jacket and gloves (hiding his hands). And while you were together in the plane, the meeting room and Starks lab, he had never taken his apparel off.

You took a closer look and saw that he had a metal hand, just like you. Carefully, you lifted his hand slightly and noticed that the metal wasn’t isolated to his hand alone. 

While you couldn’t feel much with your titanium hands, you were able to detect the consistency of Bucky’s lower arm. Not the soft feeling of flesh but one of sturdiness and metal. You rolled up his sleeve a bit further, and you were right. It wasn’t just his hand. You managed to roll up his sleeve all the way below his armpit. Stopping periodically when Bucky started to move. 

His whole left arm was a prosthetic, like both of your lower arms. While the metal used was different from yours, the purpose was still the same.

Was it sheer coincidence that you both had prosthetics of this caliber or was there something else going on here? You’ve never seen another person with the same intricate prosthetic builds you had. Most often, people you crossed paths with who had prosthetic limbs, would have very simplistic ones. They could detach and attach them when needed but it didn’t act like a full on replacement of their lost limb. You’ve never seen them function as a full part of their body like yours did.

You softly lifted up his arm, wanting to take a closer look at Bucky’s prosthetic.

Due to the lifting motion, Bucky started to stir and opened his eyes slowly. You quickly let go of his arm and pushed yourself backwards, to build distance between the two of you. It took Bucky a couple seconds to register where he was. His mind was foggy and he himself wasn’t used to falling asleep that deeply either. He squinted his eyes a couple of times to focus, but when he saw where he was, his eyes went wide. 

‘Shit!’, he murmured and quickly looked around the room. He saw you sitting on the floor, eyebrows raised and eyes filled with surprise.

‘This is not what you think!’, Bucky said while waiving his arms. 

He then noticed that his left sleeve was pulled up underneath his armpit. Panicking, he quickly rolled his sleeve back down. He knew that you had seen his arm, and would have questions about it no doubt. But now wasn’t the time to open pandora’s box! His brain went into overdrive, trying to think of a way to take your attention away from his left arm. Luckily, when you decided to break the silence, you asked a different question. 

‘What are you doing here?’ you asked while shifting your position. 

‘I...’, Bucky kept quiet for a moment to recollect his thoughts. Idiot... he thought to himself. He fell asleep next to you instead of going back to his room. His mind went back to the nightmare you had yesterday, and the ‘’recommendation’’ you had given him before falling asleep. He wondered whether you remembered. Bucky cleared his throat and spoke.

‘You don’t remember what happened last night? He clenched his right hand, hoping you wouldn’t.

‘Partially.....’ you responded. Now was not the time for your emotions to run rampant. You had to calm down. You closed your eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Just tune everything out and feel nothing, you thought to yourself. You opened your eyes and looked at Bucky.

‘I remember that I had a nightmare last night and that I was fighting someone.’

‘....Yeah.... that someone would be me...’. Bucky grinned while shifting akwardly on the floor.

‘The short of the story is.....You were screaming in your sleep, came to check up on you, you pinned me to the floor and I stayed with you till you calmed down.’

Bucky stared at you with worry filling his mind. Yesterday it felt like this could be the beginning of a bond between the two of you. But now he wasn’t so sure. Him falling asleep in your room might have done more damage than good.

He had no right to ask you to forgive him, or even being in the same room as you, after breaking your leg. But he hoped that by helping you through your nightmare and being honest with you, this would repair some of the damage he had done.  

You took a moment to process what Bucky had said. And it all came flooding back to you. The horrible nightmare, the memories of the old lady, you...drowning in darkness and the feeling of someone shaking you awake. 

Your face turned cold and Bucky noticed.

He rubbed his hands in a nervous manner, and hoped that you wouldn’t remember the slurred sentence you abruptly shared with him before you fell asleep. 

Bucky wasn’t lying. It’s a bit foggy what happened after you woke up from the nightmare, but you do remember Bucky being there. But why was he still here in the morning?

‘Okay, I know you’re not lying. But why are you still here?’ 

Bucky’s ears turned a slight shade of red and he scratched his chin.

‘Well... you were really tired so I laid your head on my shoulder.... Not because I wanted to!!! But you were sliding along the wall, and I didn’t want you to bang your head on the floor. And.... I Wanted to keep you company till you fell asleep fully. But then I fell asleep myself’......’ He laughed while getting up from the floor. 

‘Okay, so what’s the plan?’ 

You struggled to get up from the floor yourself (having one leg was a pain in the ass) and leaned against the wall to keep yourself steady. You had nothing to defend yourself with. Even if your arms were still semi functional, without your right leg there was no way you could win the fight. And in all honesty, you were tired of having to fight your way out of every situation you encountered.

Bucky wasn’t sure what you were referring to and frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You’ve got me at my most vulnerable... right now, inside this room. I’m missing a leg and my arms aren’t working properly. So this is the perfect moment for you to kill me. I thought you guys were dragging it out for far too long when you caught me yesterday.’

Bucky froze. You might not remember what you said yesterday before you fell asleep. But this was much worse. Fear spreading through his body, he wanted to stop you, but you continued talking.

‘But now it makes a lot of sense... Of course you would wait till I let my guard down. And the best chance of that happening was when I’d fallen asleep. You took a moment to pause.

The ultimate soldier....too worthless to put up a decent last fight before dying’, you scoffed to yourself.

You must think it’s a pathetic display... At least you won’t be wasting any energy on your end by having to fight me.’ You shook your head momentarily and looked Bucky straight in the eyes.

‘So do it...’ Your voice was commanding, and it shook Bucky to his core.

Resting your arms alongside your body, you looked over at Bucky with almost a longing expression on your face. Pain started to pool inside Bucky’s eyes.

You ‘‘stood’‘ in front of him defenceless. Not as the worthless person you described yourself as, but as a person who had been deeply wounded. Someone who was crying out for help deep down. Bucky could see the anguish within your eyes, even if you tried to hide it.

He got the sudden urge to embrace you. Telling you that everything would be okay. But he knew that it would be nothing more than empty promises. If he learned one thing from his own recovery.... it takes a lot of work to become mentally stable again. And even then.... there would be dark days still. But what was most important, was the will to try. And right now... it was clear you didn’t have any left.  

You didn’t care anymore. All those years of fighting, killing, being on the run. But now, in this exact moment, you might finally find peace. You felt a wave of calm flooding across your body. You relaxed your hands and closed your eyes for just a moment. If you didn’t know better you’d have thought this was what it meant to be happy. 

In the back of your mind a voice asked you about your revenge plan. What about the doctors that made your life a living hell. Weren’t you going to erase them, as you vowed to yourself all those years ago?

It didn’t matter anymore. You were tired...oh so tired. It would be easier if it all ended today. 

You uttered your request as if it was the most normal thing to ask of someone. But to Bucky, your words were vile and too horrible to even repeat in his head.

He was shocked by how calm you were right now. You literally just gave him the green light to kill you!

Taking a few steps back Bucky stared at you in disbelieve. ‘You can’t be serious?!’ His lips twitching slightly, trying to stay calm as to not make you feel threatened by him.  

You opened your eyes and stared at him ‘You think I’m not?’

Bucky shook his head and walked over to where you were leaning against the wall. He tried so hard to stay calm in this situation, but your words and actions made him snap.

He could stop himself from touching you, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from running wild. 

‘I am not here to kill you, do you hear me?! I will NEVER hurt you. I’m here because I know the shit you have gone through. Hell, I’VE been there myself. I’m here to help, as a friend, NOT a foe.’

You gave a blank expression in return. ‘Too bad.... you gave up a perfect chance to end my existence’. You hopt passed Bucky and moved towards the corner where your crutches were, and tried to pick them up.

Still shocked by your behaviour, Bucky made his way over and helped you grab the crutches. ‘Never EVER say those words to me ever again!’ He yelled as he angrily pushed the crutches into your hands with force.

His eyes were filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Not that you registered any of them, but you could see he was upset about something.

‘HOW CAN YOU THINK SO LITTLE OF YOURSELF!’ His chest heaved and his fists were clenched.

Keeping a calm exterior, your paranoia started to rip through your veins. When you told him he could kill you, he didn’t want to. But now he looked ready to start a fight.

You made your way over to the bathroom door and grabbed a hold of the doorknob. While his words didn’t mean anything to you, somewhere deep down you could feel something stirring. You needed to get away from Bucky. Maybe a cold shower would make the feeling go away. You didn’t look at Bucky and closed the bathroom door, leaving him alone in the room. 

Bucky exhaled heavily, and felt his insides boiling with anger and above all.... pain. 

‘How much torture have those fuckers put you through where you didn’t care anymore what happened to you?!’ 

He understood why you thought this way, but it was hard to actually hear you say it out loud. He had the same thoughts years ago, but never vocalized or acted on them. He slammed his fist onto the wooden desk and split it in half. Steve wouldn’t be all too happy with Bucky destroying property, but who cares right now! Better some broken furniture than hurting another human being, right?

Livid beyond measure, Bucky stormed out of your room and slammed the door behind him. It was a good thing the doors were made of steel. A wooden door would have cracked under the force Bucky had used to slam the door shut.

In the hallway, he almost bumped into Steve, who was about to knock on your door.

‘Buck?...BUCK, what happened?!’ He tried to stop Bucky from walking off but it was clear that the soldier needed to blow off some steam.

Steve didn’t know what Bucky was screaming about a moment ago, but he had never seen his best friend that angry before. Not even pre-Hydra, when he took two blondes out on a date to a cafe, and they both slapped him in the face and poured his drink all over him for catching the attention of the brunette bartender, who clearly wanted to get laid. 

Contemplating whether to knock on your door or leave, he decided to knock anyway. You had an appointment with Stark at 9 and you might need some help getting there.    

------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

@psychadelichues​ 

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x reader #steve rodgers #steve rodgers x you #steve rodgers x y/n #steve rodgers x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky fanfic

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 6

*Warnings: some light swearing, mentions/describing of torture, blood, nightmare*

Longer than normal, sorry! Needed to write some things for context.

Part 7

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Steve brought you to room 9 and showed you around. ‘It’s not much... but it’s clean and safe.’ You wobled inside, still getting used to the crutches and looked around.

The room wasn’t big, but it was clean as Steve said. Bed in the corner with a nightstand and a lamp, a desk with table, and a small separate bathroom. ‘Sorry, no windows... but we do have AC!’. Steve laughed, trying to ease the tension in the room.

‘Yeah...’ was the only thing you could answer. Picking up on this queue, Steve got ready to leave you alone. ‘Oh... my room is down the hall, number 1. If you need something, come find me.’ He stood akwardly in the doorway, fidgeting with his hands. 

‘OK...’

‘Okay..’ Steve replied and closed the door behind him. You were now left by yourself in the room. You threw the crutches in the corner and hopt to the bed. You sat down and took a moment to digest some of the things that had happened. You needed to put it into perspective. 

1. Unwelcome visit from your past

2. Wasn’t able to escape them and got caught

3. Lost mobility in your right leg

And 4..... now you’re stuck in this building with the people that betrayed you years ago. But try to be nice to you all of a sudden? And you have no real plan on how to get out of here....  

You expected them to put you into a cell, like they did last time. So your current room was kind of a curve ball. Did they try to make you lower your guard? Putting you into a cell the moment you fell asleep maybe? 

You started to feel how tired you really were. The adrenaline had worn off and now you were left with having no energy at all. No matter what, you didn’t have control over the situation. Even if you were to wake up in a cell, with one leg and faulty arms, no chance of escaping. So best to ‘’try’’ and get some sleep and think of a plan when you were recharged.

You grabbed the pillow and blanket from the bed and slid down onto the floor. You threw the bedding into a corner and crawled your way over. You closed your eyes the moment your head hit the pillow, and you fell asleep. Only, it wasn’t pleasant.

-----------------

NIGHTMARE

Flashes of memories entered your dream. Doctors in lab coats torturing you. Breaking your legs over and over untill you couldn’t feel them anymore. Screaming so loudly that your throat became raw and voiceless. Being beaten to a pulp, just to be put into a oxygen deprivation chamber. The feeling of wanting to die but being brought back, just so they could torture you some more. The last screams for help of people you killed and the fear in their eyes. Them begging you to spare them and the piercing sound of gunshots echoing throughout.

Hydra managed to snap your mind, but they never managed to completely erase your personality. But they didn’t think that, after all the torture you had gone through, you’d ever be capable of waking up fully. The thing about torture is that if it’s around the clock, your body becomes immune to it after a while. It was at that point that the doctors decided to push harder on the brainwashing part of the program. With you being a shell, it would be easier to program you.... no resistance. Your mind was broken and you had no will of your own anymore. But one thing that they could never take away from you was revenge. No matter how terrible the torture was, you hyper focused on the doctors hacking into you. Their faces burned into your soul, never wanting to forget them.   

These sort of memories were common to emerge when you tried to sleep. It became normal practise almost up to the point where you started to become numbed down again. Your feelings would shut off and your mind would break a thousand times over. While the last couple of years on the run reintroduced you to certain emotions, you still were not capable of handling them properly. It was far easier to not have emotions at all. Even if that would make you less human and more machine. 

- Small Flashback - 

The most common emotions you started to experience after escaping from Hydra were anger and frustration, followed by paranoia (which made sense considering your trauma) and panic. When the avengers first caught you and brought you back to HQ, they evaluated the situation. Stark was quick to assume you were a basket case, too dangerous to keep. Steve on the other hand was adament that they should try the best they could, for now. Non invasive experiments were performed to evaluate your mental state of being. Stark was shocked, to say the least, and knew he needed help in this matter. And who better to ask then someone (or someones) who had experience with winter soldier rehabilitation? 

Stark contacted Shuri first, asking her how to best go about scanning your brain and hopefully rebooting it. She suggested Stark to put you on ice, to be on the safe side, create a copy of your brain and perform tests on the digital copy of your mind. When asking whether this would achieve anything Shuri sight. 

‘I looked at the quick scan you took...and I have to say...it’s bad. Her mind is far more damaged than that of Bucky when he came here.’ Stark was afraid that would be the case when he looked at the quick scan. But he had promised Cap he would give it his all, so what was this but another puzzle waiting to be solved?

He followed Shuri’s advice and made a digital copy of your mind. It was a struggle getting you back in the ice, but Steve made sure you wouldn’t feel alone. After a couple of days, Tony found the triggering sentence and numbers that activated your programing. Amazed that is was one sentence and a few numbers, Stark updated the team and got back to work. 

With trial and error, he was able to recover some of your pre-Hydra memories. It wasn’t much, aside from a few flashes here and there, but he was able to find out your name, Y/N. Steve was excited by this development. ‘We could use this to build a bond, right?’

‘Technically....yes... but we weren’t a part of Y/N’s past. So it will be extremely difficult to build a bond based on the knowledge of a name alone...’

‘No matter how small the chances of success are, we’ve got to try!’ Steve responded and started to think of ways to make you remember your name. 

With Bucky it was different. He had hours upon hours of memories to share with him, but with you.... there was no material at all he could use. So the best thing he could think of was trying to make you remember your name. And after that he would try and create new memories with you. Maybe a bit of classic music could help? He had no clue what age you were, but who didn’t like a bit of 40s music to start out with? Steve was certain that exposing you to modern music would be a terrible idea.. (even he still struggled with the modern music taste people had).   

- End Flashback, Memory emerging - 

Overall you kept a tight lid on your emotions when you left your temporary hidding places. You kept talking to strangers to an absolute minimum (only if you had to) and made sure you would go the long way round when returning to your ‘home’. While certain events, which would be everyday practise for ‘’normal’’ people, cause emotions to involuntarily emerge.... you always tried to get rid of them as quickly as you could. But sometimes you weren’t able to put the genie back into the bottle.  

You found yourself back in the small grocery store, somewhere in the northern region of France - Normandy, to buy some bread. You tried to grab some coins from your pocket, but your prosthetic arm froze, so you dropped the coins on the ground. A large framed man behind you got angry for having to wait longer now to get served while you picked up the coins. The older lady standing behind the counter tried to control the situation and said softly not to worry about it. You could feel panic starting to leak out and knew you had to get out of the store as quickly as you could. 

With difficulty you managed to pick up the coins and tried to stand up. The moment you did, the angry man put his hand on your shoulder while screaming at you, and this triggered your paranoia. Your face blank, you quickly spun around and grabbed the mans arm. You twisted it violenty till it snapped and pushed him into a rack filled with biscuits. The man fell to the floor and cried out in pain. The old lady behind the counter showed absolute horror on her face. Screaming in a high pitched voice while holding the countertop tightly. Her body shaking violenty she tried to pick up the phone. Most likely to call an ambulance and the police.

Panic taking over completely, you slammed the money on the counter. Not bothered that you paid more than the bread was worth, you grabbed the loaf of bread and ran out the store. Soon after you left the quaint sea side town you stayed at for a couple weeks, and started searching for a new place to lay low.

But the face the old lady had, full of disgust and fear wouldn’t leave you. She was the first normal human who treated you like any other customer who passed through her tiny store. Sometimes she would leave some cookies out and asked you to try them. You were very akward but after a couple of visits you started to feel a bit at ease around her. You never said more then a few words, but she loved talking to you. Sharing stories of her past or tales of visitors that had visited her throughout the years. 

As she struggled with moving around the store, you would pop in from time to time to help her stock the store. She has seen your metal arms on a couple of occations, but never once uttered a single word about it. It was that form of respect that you had never experienced before. She always had a warm expression when you visited her. Sitting in the corner of the store with her knitwear, motioning you to join her for some tea. That must have been the first connection you have had with a normal human since you could remember. While you knew it wouldn’t last long, you felt at ease around the old woman. No judgement, no feeling like being an outcast, and being able to shut off your mind was a big plus. Just you and her, in the store looking over the ocean.     

You determined early on that it would be safer to have no connections with anyone. But the old woman was your first and only exeption. You always gave out a fake name when needed and ensured to leave no digital footprint behind (not that you were great with technology to begin with...). You would husstle money from winning at games of pool or by doing a bit of arm wrestling with the local drunks at bars. Sometimes, if you were traveling through the countryside, you would ask local farmers for a place in their barns and earn some money by plowing the field and helping with the harvest or planting of produce.  

- End of Memory - back to Nighmare 

You were trashing around in your sleep and started to murmur. You were in pain. From the memories haunting your sleep, the short snippets of your life and the feeling of being controlled against your will. The agonizing screams of victims and blood dripping from your hands. The old lady in the store, screaming for you to get away from her.

‘Make it stop’.... please...make it STOP!’  Your lip quivered and your heart was beating like crazy. You started to swing around you, hoping that the images engraved would go away.

You fell like you were standing at the edge of an abyss and you were going to fall into it. All alone in this world where you were doomed to be on the run forever. 

But.... the moment you started to get detached from yourself, you could feel something pulling you out of it. A voice? It wasn’t clear, but someone was talking to you. 

“Y..../N.....hh....ey!...’

 ‘Y../N...W...ke ..p...’

Someone was shaking you.

‘....Wake up!.. Y/N.. WAKE UP!’

You shot straight up and grabbed whoever was shaking you by their throat. Pushing them on the floor you sat on top of them to pin them down. Your eyes were glazed over and you didn’t register who was underneath you. 

Struggling to breath, the person choking made himself known.

‘Ugh...ah... *couch* Y/N.... It’s Bucky.... IT’S BUCKY!’. He tapped your arm vigorously, hoping to wake you from your daze. 

It took a couple seconds but your mind reentered your body. Your eyes became clear and you saw Bucky struggling from not getting his throat crushed. You quickly let go of him and moved as far away from him as you could. 

Bucky started to cough loudly while rubbing his sore throat. After coughing a couple more times he had calmed down enough to focus his attention on you.

You sat crawled up into a dark corner, cradling yourself. He had seen this exact scene before....in himself, years ago. Your eyes were as wide as plates and your whole body was shaking. Not wanting to make any sudden movement that could trigger you, he kept seated and leaned against the wall. Your breathing was heavy and fast. Bucky kept quiet and waited for the right moment to talk to you.

‘Remember to breath’, he would say in a piercing voice, every minute or so.

After 10 minutes he noticed that your breathing had gone back to normal, and he assumed it was safe (for both of you) to start and approach you.

With a hushed tone he began talking to you. ‘Y/N? Do you recognise me?’  You didn’t respond so he repeated the question while softly clapping his hands twice. This caught your attention and you looked up at Bucky. He was slowly making his way over to you from a crouched position, holding his hands where you could see them. 

‘Can you see me clearly?’ he asked softly, while moving just close enough so you could touch him if you wanted to. Or push him away if you felt threatened.

You took a moment and nodded. ‘Good’, he said with relieve laced through his voice. ‘Can I check your heart rate?’ He motioned to your neck. You nodded again and he moved a little closer, putting his two flesh fingers on your neck. Satisfied that your heart had calmed down enough, he moved back and sat down next to you. Ensuring enough space to not touch you by mistake. 

‘Bad dream?’, he asked while folding his hands in his lap. 

‘Yes.’ you answered with a hoarse voice.

This caught Bucky off guard. He has only met you a couple hours ago, but in that time he never once saw any strong emotion coming out of you. Aside from you screaming at him when he broke your leg, all conversations were very cold and distant. Steve said that your emotions were very limited, but right now you showed a new emotion. Not sure which one, but Bucky was sure this was a new development happening. 

You looked at your titanium hands and clenched your fists. You hated this. Hated that someone caught you in a weak moment. And most of all, that the person sitting next to you was the asshole who had given you nothing but grief up to this point. It was always after the more horrendous nightmares that your emotions would violenty burst through. And it also made you at your most weakest (or rather, most human like state). 

Bucky was unsure what to do next, but he quickly remembered something Sam told him a while back. 

‘Don’t try and force someone to speak to you. In the beginning it’s far more valuable to just be there with them in their moment of panic’. 

He wasn’t sure then what Sam meant by it. But in this situation, Bucky thought that the advise must refer to situations such as these. So, he followed Sam’s advice. He sat next to you in silence while doing his best not to invade your space. 

For the next 30 minutes only the buzzing from the overhead light could be heard. Having calmed down fully, you wanted to know why Bucky was here in the first place. 

‘W...why are you here?’ you asked with a voice that was annoyingly weaker than you wanted it to be. 

Bucky snapped his head towards you, his eyes filled with concern and pain. 

‘I...I could hear you scream..... and....knowing what it could be...I made my way over to your room. When... When you didn’t answer the door, I opened the door and saw you thrashing around...’ He squished his hands together, almost to brace himself and took a deep breath. 

‘Thought you might hurt yourself. So.... I tried to pin you to the floor. But when I made contact with you, you jumped me and pinned ME to the floor.’ He scratched his head and let out a chuckle. ‘You’re quite feisty you know’, he commented, trying to break the tension between the two of you. 

You listened to Bucky finishing the story and nodded. ‘Was I that loud?’ you asked, thinking of how far apart each room was. ‘Oh...Yeah...well’, Bucky continued. ‘We’re neighbours... so... I was able to hear you crystal clear. Super soldier hearing and all’. He pointed at his ears and grinned.

You leaned your head against the cold stone wall and closed your eyes for a moment. This was the absolute worth thing that could happen right now. One of your enemies now had leverage over you. He could do whatever he wanted to .... and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You had zero energy and your mind was still foggy. In no state to put up a fight and defend yourself. 

Noticing that you were starting to slip away, Bucky quicky closed the gap and put your head on his right shoulder. ‘It’s okay Y/N. Get some sleep, kay?’ You opened your eyes slightly but couldn’t get them to focus. You started to murmer and slur words. ‘ou..you.. cld.....kll..me..rght..nw......I..cld..do..nthing..agnst..it....’ 

After finishing your sentence you fell asleep. Bucky sat frozen in place while your head was resting on his shoulder. He felt a piercing pain inside his chest. How could you say something like that so easily? But then again....he wasn’t that big on valueing himself when he was in your situation years ago.

Softly, he started to stroke your hair with is left hand. ‘I’ll be here for you’, he whispered. He surprised himself with the sudden action. He had never done something like this before, so it slightly scared him. He was still in the healing process himself, and while he appreciated his teammates, he never got close with either of them. Steve was an exception, because he has know him his whole life. So him sitting here with you resting your head on his shoulder was definitely a new experience for him. But while it was scary, there was something within that made him feel at ease. As if you knew one another. Which was bullshit, because he had never seen you before till a couple hours prior.   

Bucky quietly smilled to himself and closed his eyes. Maybe this event, him being there and helping you through your nightmare, could be the start of a bond forming.

He would wait till you were asleep, afraid you might have another nightmare if he left you, and return to his room afterwards. 

------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x