maybe some days I’d just rather pick the joy than remember the sorrow
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Something more to want
I just want something to look back fondly on
that isn’t first grade birthday parties.
I want un-trying times in abundance.
I want a scrapbook of untarnished memories.
I want a specific year to point at and say
“That's been the best one yet.”
I want something to describe clearly-
I want it to be bright and difficult to forget.
I want the immediate ability to explain
all the tangible joys in my life-
and the ability to do it coherently.
I want a book of memories without the strife.
I want to hear the excitable words of my friends
and bubble with the ability to respond
with all my own excitement in kind.
I want happiness I can’t see beyond.
I want desperately to fill myself with it,
with all of the smiles I’ve given.
I want to be the sunshine they think I am,
and for my body to start feeling lived in.
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recently i’ve come to find you can measure me in rocky relationships and bad experiences
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why does all love feel so fragile and littered with exceptions
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for every time i apologize to others for the way i exist- for my tears, for my feelings, for my fragility -that's as many times as i must apologize to myself.
i drink tea as a hug and i rub lotion to hold my hands and i look myself in my mirrored eyes and i cry apologetic tears for once again dismissing my emotions.
i call myself crazy so others will like me and i apologize profusely to myself for letting them believe it.
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every touch and kiss that i give to you
renders me soft and malleable
your lips give mine a softer skin
new and clean and yet still sullied
but perhaps that's not the correct word
for i yearn for your touch when i'm near you.
i will shed my everything
clothes, worry, skin and all
i will willingly be scrubbed clean by your touch
if it means i get to receive it.
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don't you dare call me that;
don't look at me that way as you say it.
I do not speak in any code but my own.
don't you dare say that to me and look at my body
like it deserves the compliments you are whispering.
i do not speak in any code that i have not woven myself.
don't you dare call me that;
don't you dare gaze at my body like it is what you are contemplating,
don't you dare do this after touching every inch of me;
don't you dare make me think that you say this with sincerity.
whatever code you speak in,
whatever message you inject through my mouth with yours,
however soft and sweet it seems to alien ears,
it is bitter.
harsh.
unwanted and poisonous.
infectious.
how dare you touch me then seal your lips as if your hands do not burn my skin.
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it's the next day and i can't ignore
that more than just my legs are sore.
but what can i do about that
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there is something gorgeous
about you
about the body you exist within
the mind you keep inside that body
the soul i see inside your eyes
as you hold my face
and make me look
make me stare
make me see
that thing that you don't show to me.
there is something gorgeous
about you
about the way that you touch me
the words you whisper huskily
to my ear and down my spine
that i will replay every time
that i'm alone.
you ought to know
those words will never leave my mind.
there is something stunning
about you
about the presence that you carry
how the looks you give me vary
and maybe that belongs to frustration
but such a feeling is
cousin to loving
and sibling to lust
perhaps i just
want to hold your laughter just as close to me.
there is something stunning
about you
about the way you make me move
and the way your body responds
and all the ways you go beyond
my sweetest dreams
of sex and lust
and perhaps even the type of love
that comes from
such a platonic place
and the gentle way you still my face.
there is something nervous
about you
and about the way you avoid my lips
the way every touch pairs with a wayward kiss
and your face examines my body like it's
treasured ground to
tread lightly on
and your eyes are drawn
and i see lust's sibling in your lips
that suddenly i'm not allowed to kiss
that suddenly belong to the face
of a boy too shy or too afraid or far too
...
far too thoughtful of all of this.
there is something nervous
about you
but at this point i just have thanks
and gratitude to match all the things
that you have ever given to me.
i take your laughter greedily
as if it's tangible for me to steal
as if you don't give it willingly
as if i don't provide some too
as if we can't both spare a few
of them - both giggles and laughs
and the smiles
that fill my yearning half.
i just thank you for the words we exchange
and the feelings on top of that
both on the surface and buried within.
i thank you for that silly grin
you think that you've kept hidden away.
i see it both in your eyes
and the words you never allow yourself to say
that you keep in plain sight
on your tongue
and on those lips...
that suddenly i'm not allowed to kiss.
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you thought me either incense or candle
and forgot i come from a flammable book
you ignite me and forget my light
even as it burns before your eyes
you call your flame insatiable
yet one encounter leaves you fizzled
while i'm left here with growing flames
to blaze painfully for days and days
my smoke wanders in your direction
and you leave ashes by means of affection.
in your wake- your stride - is kindling
and in your mouth is gasoline
and even though i have been lit before
my flame roars for everything you will give me.
you light me and then run away
you walk by the light of the fire you leave
and i just want you to explain
how that's remotely fair to me.
you watch me burn and shy away
from the heat that you've instilled in me
you act as if my flame threatens you
when you are the wind that makes it carry
you fan me and i grow bigger
and you act shocked at the sight
and i just want you to explain
how that's even remotely right.
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he makes you think you're lost so he can find you
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i couldn’t tell you more
i hope you know
that i could cry
just thinking of
the people i
have turned away
have pushed and left
just because
of what you did
to me
when you said
and said
and saidandsaidandsaid
...
its unfair.
every voice in my head
with a name and a face
all yell
four letter words
over and over
say i shouldn't
but i should and i will and i Should
bc its unfair
and lying does nothing for me
ive coated years and months and days and words
in sugar
just to stomach it
coated others in sour dust
to feign disgust
to pucker and wince
like its deserved
for me
but its unfair
and crying cleans nothing of me
or the experience
nor do i want it to
i stood for years
and months and days and minutes
of my own volition
even as those voices yellled
4 letter words
at me
saying i shouldn't
i just can't help but think...
all the time i think...
how unfair
and i mean it.
i mean it with my heart and soul
with my being
as it vibrates
thinking of you and him and him and you
and me with him and you with me
when you had me.
bc you had me.
its so unfair
nothing is MORE unfair
than sitting here saying
that it was all your fault.
"You broke me."
bc you didn't.
it's unfair to put the blame on you
you did bad things but they don't make you bad
and even making everybody angry
isn't a sin
or a sign of a monster
i did everything and nothing right in your eyes.
no
not even that
i did everything right and everything wrong in your eyes
and that was the WORST part...
but i have nothing to say about it.
i have everything to feel but nothing to say.
it's just unfair.
and maybe so were you.
maybe you felt things about me that weren't fair
but i can't change you.
never could
no matter how much you tried to work yourself over
knead at yourself to be malleable
it never worked
bc you did it with your nails
and poked holes in yourself
and asked me to fix you
manage you
into something more loveable
as if the form that you were
when we were first starting
wasn't something
that i was supremely interested in.
as if you were never enough
and needs something more more even more
i just... don't know what to tell you.
other than
it's unfair.
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and again...
if you lost a piece of yourself without me then you were never whole to begin with
if you lost your passion for things in my absence then the passion was never present
you cant have never stopped loving me when i know that you had never begun
you can’t list all the ways that i’ve hurt you and then liken me to the sun
if seeing me brings you pain be aware it’s because i brandish knives
they poke through me like spikes that only make themselves present to your tired eyes
i share them with you and only you now for you are who gave them to me
stemming from all of those horrible words you spat at me followed by the weakest of “sorries”
where sorry here means flagellating yourself until i sang to you praises
and heard from you all of the reasons no one but you would ever admire my graces
if you’ve never shared such a deep connection then, my darling, you’ve lived 21 years disconnected
because what we shared was not something that anyone would ever hope to be left with.
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y’know i really don’t know what to tell you
i know you hate me growing up. i know you’re pissed i’m not a kid. i can tell you had a kid bc buying a doll isn’t as accepted when you’re 30. plus, a doll doesn’t cling to you like you wished i had when you sent me off to preschool or whatever bullshit you spin to my family and friends when you overthink about me enjoying college and you want to depress yourself.
i can tell you had a kid bc you wanted to relive whatever life you saw pass you by when you made all those decisions in high school. to be that popular girl again through me, pretty and perfect and popular. you set that on my shoulders bc i’m more neurotypical than the kid you had before me.
i can tell you were pissed when i didn’t want to wear make up. when i wasn’t really into skirts and dresses, thank. when i didn’t want to straighten my hair like you wanted me to (and how annoyed you were when you finally beat me down enough to feel i needed to straighten my hair to look presentable, but you had to do it for me bc i didn’t know how) when homecoming and prom came around and buying pretty, sparkly dresses was like a chore for me and like some kind of heaven for you. when I gravitated towards the old fashioned ones, the ones you said looked more like “the mother of the bride”. when i said i couldn’t wait to be the mother of the bride, then.
i can tell you had a kid but you wanted play dough instead. something malleable and lenient. something that didn’t talk back as much. something that would follow your lead. would paint their nails and their eyes and their lips like you did when you were my age. someone who all the boys wanted and craved, someone who would smile and squeal with you about boys so you could relive dating. so you could see me and daydream about who you could have married if you didn’t marry my father.
i can tell you wish i was still a kid. that i was still fun or... whatever.
but i can tell you something for sure... crying isn’t going to make anything more fun. think about that as you lay there with tears in your eyes, watching depressing movies and thinking about how you miss me being “fun”.
because what you’re really missing is missing out on the good person i’m becoming. what you’re really missing is missing the ability to take any positive credit for the good things about me.
i dunno... i kinda hope that sucks for you.
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yes i still care about your well-being
maybe a little more than others
but not over my own.
and i guess what i’ve learned is that, to a certain extent, i shouldn’t care about anyone’s well-being over my own. i shouldn’t put anyone over myself. i shouldn’t care for someone else’s well-being more than i care for my own bc that would mean counting on someone else to take care of me.
that meant counting on you to take care of me.
and i know now that i couldn’t do that. shouldn’t have done that.
i have to worry about myself first and love myself first and i’m happy to learn this. to really, truly learn this. at least, to start to.
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I shouldnt be so surprised that he finds me attractive
But there's something so different about what he said.... I dunno maybe it's silly. But he complimented my eyes. And he said he likes my hair even when I knew it was a rats nest. He held me to hia chest like he needed it. Like he was so grateful for it. There was something so.... present about all of it.
So doting. So affectionate. Something so attracted.
I really shouldn't be so surprised that some people find me attractive
I'm just not my type.
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wow I just love making my mom cry by telling her it's really not right to be homophobic/support actively homophobic organizations ✌️
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