wormhandler

[wormhandler]

November 15th, 2020 - 9 MONTHS!!!

Huzzah, I’ve been on T for 9 months as of the 10th of November! Amazing!!! CW for mentions of menstruation & IUD stuff for this update!

Similar to my last gender juice update, I still seem to be in a bit of a plateau but I don’t mind it terribly! My period is virtually all gone - I get occasional reddish discharge, but nothing more than that - and while I’ve noticed that I get pretty achy in the abdominal region if I do a lot of physical activity (I went for a hike and got SUUUUPER achy and tired), there’s not really much cramping either! My weight seems to have evened out as well, not really gaining or losing much at this point which is nice.

Ultimately the only things that are really fluctuating right now are my hair growth, which is slowly but steadily continuing, and my acne. I went back to the dermatologist to get some more input on how to control my acne, and the doctor recommended Accutane of all things - but my primary doctor and transition doctor both agreed with me that that’s a little too much, so instead I’m gonna go on antibiotics for a bit and get back in the swing of using my topical treatment. (Accutane is intimidating, y’all...)

Ultimately, not much has changed from the last update, but I’m feeling good about the state of my body. I just got a new vial of hormones as well, so I’m set for the next few months. Since things are evening out a bit now, I’m thinking I might not update this blog every month anymore? We’ll see how I feel about that, though - it’s been nice to have this diary.

Anyways, thanks for reading! Take care of yourselves. <3

#gender juice diary #hormone replacement therapy #transition #nonbinary #transmasculine #transmasc #worm posts #hrt #transgender

[wormhandler]

October 10th, 2020 - 8 months in, and thinking about the future

~Time for another Gender Juice Diary~ CW for brief discussion of IUD stuff & menstruation, as well as political junk and introspective stuff.

Changes this month have mostly been subtle, with the least subtle change being the most important - that I am no longer in terrible pain from the IUD, haha. I do still get mild cramps (usually not much more than a twinge or a backache) and the occasional spotting, but for the most part things have evened out with it. So that’s good! I’m not sure if my period is entirely gone yet, but between the hormonal IUD (which can make menstruation stop) and the T shots I’d be surprised if it’s still here.

My hair growth is slowly but steadily continuing - chest hair’s coming in a little stronger now, though it’s not really visible unless you look closely (but again, I’ll need to take T for several years if I wanna have a super fuzzy chest). Meanwhile I think my beard area is growing in faster? It seems like I need to shave my neckbeard about every 2-3 days to keep it nice and neat looking. Kind of exciting to finally have hair to shave!! I might invest in a nice safety razor...

The third major change I’ve noticed this month: I think my shoulders have gotten... wider, somehow? The bone structure is certainly not different, but I think my muscle distribution has changed. I’ve been clearing out my closet and trying on stuff I haven’t worn in a while, and a LOT of my shirts are feeling quite tight around the shoulders (I tried on a jean jacket and could feel my shoulders being pulled back by the fabric, lol). While I haven’t been actively working out during the pandemic, I do know that T can affect muscle growth and the distribution of that growth so I have a feeling that’s the ultimate cause. And honestly, that’s a very exciting thing for me - I’d like to have broad shoulders to contrast with my waist & hips! Though I’ll need to start actively working out my shoulders to get that. Or start wearing shoulder pads xD

[EDIT] Somehow I forgot to mention this when I first wrote this post! In the past couple weeks, I’ve been noticing an increase in my general body temperature and my sweatiness. I didn’t notice it so much during summer because being warm and sweaty is the norm, but since it’s gotten cooler I’ve just... generally felt warmer and sweatier!!! I don’t have a fever or anything like that. I’m just warmer now - which could be because of my weight gain or because of hormonal stuff, but ultimately it’s not that big of a deal. Except for getting way sweaty, of course, haha.

All in all, I sort of feel like I’ve plateaued in the last month or so, but I’m honestly not too mad about it? As I’ve gotten further along with HRT I’ve gotten much more comfortable in my skin and in wearing certain types of clothing. For instance, I’m a lot more comfortable in skirts now and I’m kind of starting to prefer them over pants, haha. Aside from some acne and general body image stuff, I’m actually super happy with how I look right now!

...which relates to why I’m thinking about the future. I’m based in the USA and deeply concerned about the current political climate, so I’m toying with the idea of moving to another country. Though ultimately there are few cities in any country that are overtly “good” for trans people, part of me thinks I’d be safer and have more opportunities elsewhere - particularly if I go to the EU, which has its pros and cons. With the EU idea I’ve been thinking about the grip that UK terves have on the health system over there. Just the other day, one of the largest private gender care providers in the UK suffered a huge blow from their chemist withdrawing from business with them due to pressure from transphobes. I’m not specifically considering the UK myself, but given its high profile it made me think about what would happen if I ran out of T and had to stop taking it for whatever reason.

And ultimately... I think I’d be okay in the long run? Of course, I don’t WANT to stop right now. I still want that chest hair and more bottom growth, if I can get it! But since I still have my natal gonads at least I wouldn’t DIE if I couldn’t get T (it’s a different story for trans ppl whose gonads have been removed - sex hormones play a HUGE role in bone health, among many other things, and being forced off their medications is a death sentence). But being that I’ve had such positive results from just 8 months of T and the permanent changes have begun, I do feel like - if worse comes to worst - I could stop hormones temporarily and not feel like total shit. At the very least I want to complete a full year of T if I can and I should be on track for that; but ultimately a lot of stuff is still up in the air. Aaaaahhhh!!! Why is it so hard to be trans!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, that’s my update! Thanks for tuning in and hope you all have a good October <3

#gender juice diary #hrt #hormone replacement therapy #transgender #transmasculine #worm posts #long post #politics

[wormhandler]

September 12, 2020 - 7 months! + IUD update

Hey hey, welcome once again to the Gender Juice Diary!

Per my last update, I’ve gone back to administering my T once every two weeks instead of every other week. Interestingly, I don’t feel like my reaction to it has slowed down much - though that may be because changes had been occurring slowly even before I lowered my dosage. CW for discussions of menstruation, IUD stuff, ultrasound appointments and the like!

The main changes I’m seeing right now are related to body and facial hair! In the past month I’ve noticed my facial hair (including neckbeard and sideburns) is growing in more quickly - it feels like I need to shave every 3-4 days instead of once a week, these days. I’m not very on top of it ‘cuz the world is ending and I have other things to worry about, but it is nice to take a little me-time and shave. :> As for body hair: I’M FINALLY GETTING HAIR ON MY CHEST AND I’M SO PUMPED!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s not fully grown in yet, but it’s starting to become visible! Aaaahhhh!! I’m really excited about it XD I kept comparing myself to my dad & granddads on each side and feeling sad that it wasn’t growing in yet... but then I remembered, they had a headstart of LITERAL DECADES on me. If I don’t have a shag rug on my chest in 10 years, THEN I can be jealous lmao.

Other than the hair situation, not much has changed; I still have a ton of acne, and I think I’ve been using too much of my topical creme & irritating my skin... I’m gonna try to ease up on that a bit. On a related note, I invested in some of those hydrocolloid acne bandages to help keep me from scratching & popping my pimples and damn, I really like them. They’re super comfy :’D

And finally: the IUD situation!! We did the post-insertion examination and a second blood test about a week before the start of August; additionally, my doctor had me visit an ultrasound lab to get an internal view of the IUD and make sure it wasn’t poking into one of my uterine walls. (Transvaginal ultrasound examinations, i.e. the ones where they put an ultrasound wand up your [REDACTED], are weird, man.) Both the initial examination and the ultrasound were fine mechanically, though at that point I was still bleeding and cramping very regularly. Meanwhile, the blood test showed that my T levels had returned to the ‘normal’ range after reducing my dosage, while my blood levels were still pretty high (but that’s gonna take a longer time to change afaik).

As of this writing, I’ve been almost completely cramp-free for nearly a week, hooray!!... Which means I spent over a month in pain. Yowch :’O Additionally, the bleeding has slowly but surely tapered off in the past couple weeks! ...though I’m probably gonna need to keep wearing pads for a little while longer. Honestly, as long as I’m not horrifically achy I can deal with a little blood!!!!!!!

So yeah, there’s my 7 month update! Thanks for reading! <3

#gender juice diary #medical transition #nonbinary #transmasculine #ftm #iud #worm posts #transmasc

[wormhandler]

Quick update!

I just got off the phone with my doctor and I wanted to record what we talked about! I had my first blood test since March last week - which is NOT ideal for a trans person, btw - and it’s shed a bit of light on the puzzle that is my current hormonal state.

It turns out my testosterone levels are extremely high; that’s not a good thing. The way I understand it is that when you’re injecting T, there’s a certain threshold for how much T your body can actually use. When you inject more T than that threshold, the body converts the extra testosterone into estrogen! So while I’ve been injecting T weekly, I’ve been creating an excess of it - which means that my body is converting it into an excess of estrogen. And y’know what estrogen does?

IT MAKES YOU BLEED. My doctor’s theory is that my menstrual weirdness in the last few months - and my intense cramping after the IUD insertion - is because of the conversion of T into E; I just have too much E in my body, now.

Between that and a couple other factors - my blood count is up (meaning that I just have More blood cells), as well as my cholesterol levels - we’ve decided to go back to injecting once every two weeks instead of once a week. I’m absolutely fine going back down to this for several reasons: one, it’ll help me save on injection supplies. Two, less stabbing myself in the leg!! Three, it’ll likely have a good effect on my acne as well as my cramping. Four, maybe it’ll help me even out my emotional state as well TTwTT

We’re gonna work hard to make sure I get my blood tested more regularly in the future (the whole reason I hadn’t had a blood test since March was ‘cuz of COVID), so I’m looking forward to that! Fingers crossed for some smoother sailing soon. Thanks for reading!

#worm posts #gender juice diary #hrt #transmasc #hormone replacement therapy #nonbinary #hormone science stuff

[wormhandler]

IUD Experiences! (owwie ow ;_;) CW menstruation

Here’s something I didn’t mention in my 6 month anniversary post!! Last Tuesday, I had a hormonal IUD put into my uterus - I’ve been planning on this for a while, and since my doctor finally had an opening within the COVID-ravaged medical landscape, I decided I should spring for it.

I’ve never had an IUD before, but I went with the hormonal Mirena IUD since it lasts about 5 years and I want to have some peace of mind for the upcoming 4 year period (COUGH COUGH the US is a nightmare COUGH). I also got a pap smear while I was there, cuz why not, and had some blood drawn so my doctor and I can look at the hormone levels in my blood and do other tests. Technically, I should have had some blood tests before now; but between difficulty in scheduling a test and my own personal struggles with executive dysfunction and mental exhaustion recently, we only managed to get it done recently ^^; But hey, better late than never!

Anyways, I got the IUD in on Tuesday. Since then I’ve been having some WICKED cramping, which is par the course for an IUD - your uterus doesn’t like having a foreign object shoved into it, and it responds with cramping. On top of that, hormonal IUDs can cause spotting/bleeding; and on top of that, one of the tools the doctor used while inserting the IUD actually drew a little blood, so I had *that* to deal with for the past few days as well. As of now, almost a week after the insertion, I’ve begun to actually have some menstrual bleeding...

...side note, I haven’t had a period in about 2 months and holy SHIT, how did I EVER deal with this pain in the past?! I started having a period when I was 10 or 11 (on my BIRTHDAY!) so I guess I just got used to it, but jesus CHRIST, this pain is absolutely incapacitating when it’s bad! I mean, I never ENJOYED being in so much pain that I felt the cramps go *down my legs,* but GOD - at least I was mostly able to deal with it in the past! Now I’ve gotten a taste of not menstruating, and god, I do not miss it. ;_;

I’m honestly a tad concerned by how bad my cramps are, so I’ve arranged a telehealth appointment with my doctor this coming Wednesday to discuss it. Sources online say that cramping and spotting can continue for 3 to 6 MONTHS sometimes, sooooo I’m hoping my doctor can give me some advice for how to alleviate the pain without burning an ulcer into my stomach lining or killing my liver :’U

Anyways... important update! exciting news! I’ve been in pain for most of the day and now I’m going to refill my hot water bottle! cheers!!!!!!

#worm posts #menstruation #transmasc #nonbinary #iud #birth control #ow ow ow ow ow my BACK

[wormhandler]

August 10th, 2020 - 6 MONTHS!

Hi y’all! I’m here with my 6 MONTH UPDATE about being on T! Time really flies - it seems so recent and yet, so long ago that I first started discussing T with my doctor... This year has been hell on my mental understanding of time, haha. That said, I think it’s a good idea to look back at how my transition has gone so far, and what’s been changing!

CW for discussions of body image, weight gain, sexual changes, genital changes, and mood changes!

Back on February 10th, I learned how to administer my doses and all that jazz. At that point I was not on any birth control and was only regularly taking my anxiety/depression meds, so the testosterone was pretty much the only new thing happening. At the time I was on a 0.3 ml dose, once every two weeks. Within the first month, I noticed an uptick in acne problems as well as genital growth! Other than that, there wasn’t much happening.

By March 10th, my doctor and I agreed to up my dosage to 0.5 ml, once every two weeks still - this took effect around mid-March. Around that time I also noticed that my voice was beginning to change, and that I had gained about 10 pounds since starting T - though the general shape of my body hadn’t changed much. Additionally, I was able to fully identify an uptick in my libido.

As of April 6th, I was beginning to see my facial hair grow in beginning with my facial hair! Aside from that, most of the changes I noted in this entry were about genital growth and libido changes, as well as emotional changes - though since it was the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, I’m not sure how much of my emotional up-and-down was due to the hormones or due to the state of the world. A mid-April update showed that I noted other parts of my facial hair darkening, as well.

On May 11th, my update talked about my continuing facial hair growth, as well as noticing that my skin was getting oilier particularly on my chest; on top of that, there was a feeling that my fat was beginning to distribute differently and that my period was starting to be affected by the T. Additionally, my voice continued to change and it was around this time that I started noticing my voice cracking/having difficulty hitting high notes.

In June, I got the go-ahead from my doctor to begin administering my T dose once a week instead of once every two weeks! I wasn’t very prompt with my updates, but I wrote one out on June 28th. My voice continued to deepen, and my oily skin began contributing to more facial acne and some gnarly body acne which I’m still dealing with now. I was prescribed a topical vitamin A retinoid at this point. I also began to notice my body hair getting thicker and darker around this point! I think I hit a bit of a plateau with genital growth here, as I brought it up in worry; though understanding that most trans people only hit their final growth point at the 2-3 year mark, I decided not to worry about it. The quality of my genital discharge was changing at this point, becoming reddish-brown as if I’d been menstruating. This was the start of a roughly 2 week period where I was spotting almost daily, since my uterus and the T were battling for hormonal dominance (as it were).

July 14th rolled around, and I recorded some trouble with my facial acne which I’d attribute to the adjustment period around a new medication. I mentioned my two weeks of spotting and that I’d discuss it with my doctor, which I did; and she gave me the explanation I listed above. On top of that, I noticed my body hair continued to get darker and thicker.

...and now it’s August 10th! From here, I can definitely say that my facial hair is growing in nicely (I have sideburns now!); that my body hair is definitely getting luscious (exciting, since I like being fuzzy); that my regular speaking voice is almost an octave deeper than it was on February 10th (CRAZY!!!!); and I’ve gained a LOT of weight without the actual shape of my body changing that much. I’m attributing most of the weight to gains in muscle mass, since that’s a Thing with T; but there’s definitely a gain in body fat as well. I’m trying to begin exercising as a way to manage that so I don’t have to rebuy clothes, so we’ll see how that goes. My acne has not gone away yet, and honestly doesn’t seem to be that much different; so I think ultimately the topical retinoid isn’t attacking the root of the problem. I’ve commonly had deeper, under-the-skin acne for most of my teen years and adult life, so I have a feeling my acne’s source is related to this deeper stuff. For now though, I’ll keep going with my topical and see how things change.

...and that’s about it!! thank you for reading through this long-ass post! see you in the next one <3

#gender juice diary #transgender #transmasc #hormone replacement therapy #nonbinary #hrt #worm posts

[wormhandler]

I just realized I missed my 5 month T-iversary on July 10th, OOPS. I was too busy being depressed to remember, lol

oh well, I’m looking forward to my 6 month T-iversary in August. it’s kinda wild to think about!!!!

#worm posts #wrow I've really been on T for almost 6 months #amazing...

[wormhandler]

July 14th, 2020

Hello all! I’m here with another Gender Juice Diary entry for you all. I’ll mostly be talking about stuff related to my last diary entry. CW for discussion of menstruation, genital-related stuff, and mood swings.

Not a lot has changed since my previous update, to be quite honest! My body hair continues to gradually grow darker, and I’m starting to notice it getting a tad darker on my chest, too; that’s nice, since I’m impatiently waiting to have more chest hair, haha. I’m starting to shave semi-regularly now, too, to keep the neckbeard under control.

My skin continues to be oily AF and since I started using my topical prescription, I’m having some trouble with facial acne. As far as I know, this is totally normal; it takes several weeks of use to acclimate to using this kind of prescription, so I’m not too worried. However I am having a lot of difficulty avoiding picking at my face, so that’s been tough to deal with. I’ll just keep moving forward and keeping up with my skin care regimen.

Discussion of genital stuff & menstruation/mood swings below:

My bottom growth still seems to have paused for the moment, but again, I’m trying not to worry about it. Part of me is concerned because I keep looking at other transmasc people’s results - both from taking T and from undergoing metoidioplasty surgery - and getting jealous, but I know that’s not productive and I just need to wait and see. Still, it’s tough seeing somebody else have what you want & comparing that to your own, much slower progress. ^_^;

As for menstruation... since my last entry on June 28th, I have consistently had low-level spotting almost every single day. That’s over two weeks of spotting, mind you. There’s no pain, no concerning smells or anything like that; just... two full weeks of spotting. I’m concerned because I think it might be that I’ve chemically gotten ‘stuck’ right on the beginning of a period or something; T interacts with everyone’s period differently, and unfortunately I haven’t been able to find a lot of info from others about how exactly their periods changed as they upped their dosages. Relatedly, I’ve been having a really rough time with mental health lately. Last week I was having a lot of issues with anger, and this week I’ve completely slumped into depression - I already have anxiety/depression that I take medication for, but it’s as if everything’s gotten magnified and I’m having trouble motivating myself to do anything at all. I’m concerned that part of this is due to my hormonal state, so I’m going to try and get a phone call with my doctor to discuss it.

My thought is that if I skip my shot for a week or two, I can let this period run its course and finally get on the road to stopping my period outright. Skipping shots is probably not ideal, but I’ll run it by my doctor to see what she thinks... in any case, I just wanna stop feeling like shit, haha. (And related to *that,* I’m going to try and get back into talk therapy - I’m very alone both physically and socially,  so I figured with my mood swings and depression that it can’t hurt to try. Talk therapy worked very well for me a couple years ago!)

Anyways, thank you all for reading. It’s been a rough couple weeks but I’m trying my damnedest to keep going. Have a good one, everybody!

#transmasc #nonbinary #gender juice diary #hrt #hormone replacement therapy #worm posts #menstruation

[wormhandler]

June 28th, 2020

Hello! been a little while since my last gender juice diary entry - a lotta shit’s been happening, so the blog fell to the wayside. I have a moment to chat now though, and good timing! a lot of shit’s still happening!!!

Quick rundown on the gender juice situation: June 10th was my 4-month T anniversary and since then, I’ve upped my dosage with approval from my doctor: where I was previously doing a 0.5 ml injection of 200mg/ml testosterone cypionate every other week, I’m now doing it every week! Aside from having post-injection soreness more often, I’m very pleased with this and looking forward to seeing how it changes things.

I shall put my log of changes under the cut, so if you’re interested, read onward! Be aware that the latter part of this diary is NOT SFW for discussions of sexuality, sexual development, personal hygiene needs, and menstruation.

Firstly: I think I can safely say that I officially have a goatee!! It’s a very small and patchy one, but it’s there and I’m very proud of it. <3 I also definitely have a little neckbeard, but I’ve begun shaving it every couple days since I prefer to keep things looking a bit neater. I finally have a use for the shaving cream & aftershave I bought in February :’D

Speaking of body hair, the hair on my thighs is getting darker & thicker - and a tiny bit of chest hair is growing in!!! .....buuuuut it’s entirely located around my nipples for some reason? I mean. I’m glad it’s showing up, but it’s not exactly showing up where I expected it to. :’O in any case, progress is progress!

Secondly: my voice continues to deepen!! I’m having more trouble hitting high notes and getting a clear, strong sound when I sing high, but my lower register continues to expand and my singing is strong and clear there. I have a feeling I’ll still be able to sing high after my voice stops changing, but it’s kind of silly to sing along to songs in the car and hear my voice cracking every other note x’D

Thirdly: my skin is still oily AF, and the body acne is getting pretty wild... However I’ve recently gone to the dermatologist and got a prescription for a vitamin A based topical for my face, and a body wash for my shoulders/chest/back! I’ll be receiving that soon, so in the meantime I’m trying to get into a better rhythm with daily skin care and face washing. Better washing has helped a bit already, so I’m looking forward to having fewer pimples once I start using my prescriptions.

CW: Next points involve talk of the nether regions and personal experiences with attraction/stimulation/all that jazz. I’m detailing them here because I’ve rarely seen discussion of these aspects when I research them looking for advice or confirmation, so I’d like to share them in case they’re informative for anybody looking to start T. NSFW, tread with caution!

Fourth: This is a little gross, but it’s something many transmasc folks deal with - smegma is a thing. Specifically it’s a material made of sweat, skin oils, and shed skin cells that collects around the phallus and in the labia minora (if present); it’s most commonly known for collecting under the foreskin of a cis male penis. In my case: I’ve definitely noticed increased production as of late, but it’s not uncomfortable - just a little weird, visually. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed with regular showering and washing though!

Fifth: I’m not quite sure what’s going on with my bottom growth at the moment - sometimes it seems like I’ve grown a bit, and other times it seems like growth have stopped. However I know it takes up to 2 1/2 years for bottom growth to max out and I’ve barely been on T for more than a quarter of a year, so I just gotta chill out about it :’D I just hope it continues!!! I’m also realizing that my physical preferences during masturbation have changed. I’ve always preferred clitoral stimulation, but before T my anatomy was very small. Now that it’s larger, things have developed further and there are specific parts of my anatomy that are more sensitive than others - sort of aligning with the sensitivity patterns of a cis male penis, which is cool! really goes to show how the clitoris and penis really are the same phallus, just with different hormones influencing it. Additionally - I’m having changes in my sexual attraction! Where previously I didn’t find myself attracted to men very often I’m getting MUCH more into dudes recently. Changes in sexual orientation are totally normal when a person changes their hormones, so I’m not pressed; part of me just thinks of it as my masculinity responding to masculinity in others, heheh. and weirdly enough, I’m even getting more into cis dudes. unbelievable.

Sixth: This is the most pressing change that’s come on recently; the quality of my vaginal discharge is changing and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s been the normal clear/whitish color for the most part, but in the last week it’s turned reddish-brown. In particular it reminds me of the last few days of my period, when the last of the old menstrual lining is shed and spends a few days getting flushed out. I’m not menstruating; there are no cramps and no fresh blood; my only thought is that it might be spotting, but I’m not quite sure what would have caused it. I’m going to bring it up to my care provider when I make an appointment with her, but for the most part I’m not worried; just keeping an eye on it. In any case I hope that with this upped T script, my period lightens or completely stops! God, wouldn’t it be nice to not have cramps. >o<;

Aaaaand that’s it! Thanks for reading this far, and apologies for getting into semi-graphic territory this time, haha. But the whole reason I started this blog was so that I could log my specific experiences in case somebody was curious! So if this helped you out, I’m glad!

Bye for now and see ya in a bit!

#transmasc #nonbinary #gender juice diary #hormone replacement therapy #worm posts #menstruation

[wormhandler]

Gender thoughts, solidified

It’s been a bit since my last post about gender thoughts, so I thought I’d give a quick update!

Since I made that post I’ve come to terms with the idea that I might not be a lesbian... and actually, it feels good! It’s scary to let something like that go especially since it was such a healing and nurturing part of me. But I’m learning that I can get that healing and that care from other parts of the world.

So this post is just me, officially saying, that I’m identifying as nonbinary & transmasculine now. I figure it’s as good a time as any to put it out there. It’s been so empowering to approach masculinity the way *I* want to approach it, rather than make myself fit into the box of “this is the right way to be A Trans Man or a Nonbinary Person”... there’s a huge difference between being forced to do something and choosing to do it yourself.

so, hey! there’s a little update for ya. have a good weekend everyone! love you! <3

#worm posts #transmasc #nonbinary #transmasculine #pride 2020 #gender thoughts

[wormhandler]

Random gender thoughts

Several things have been jumbling around in my brain in the past week or so, and I’d like to write them down somewhere... so I suppose this is gonna be a more informal journal-y post, haha. You can skip this if you’re just here for the transition diary!

I’ve been thinking about how to describe my identity a lot since I’ve begun T. As I mentioned in one of my first posts I’ve openly ID’d as nonbinary since 2018, and along with that I generally consider myself a lesbian since I’m AFAB and mainly attracted to women (though I’m also commonly attracted to other nonbinary folks and the occasional dude). So basically, a nonbinary lesbian whose relationship with womanhood is defined through their relationships with women. I also love femininity and a lot of feminine-coded stuff - clothing/makeup artistry, cooking, sewing/tailoring, and other things. Along with this, I don’t like being referred to with she/her/miss/ma’am or any traditionally feminine-gendered words. If I must be referred to with a prefix, I prefer Mx. or sir! And historically my social groups tended to be predominantly made up of women & girls - most of my close friends were girls, and my immediate family is mostly women. There’s been a lot of feminine energy in my life!

As my transition continues, I’m finding myself leaning into transmasculine social spaces and ideas. I find inspiration in transmasc people’s presentation; I see pieces of what I want to look like in their bodies; and seeing trans guys grow and develop ideas about what it means to be a man warms my heart. And in turn this means I’m developing ideas about what it means to be masculine and what masculinity might look like for me.

I’m finding a lot of comfort in, specifically, trans masculinity; so part of me is wondering if I should still be calling myself a lesbian. I know he/him lesbians exist, and I know nonbinary lesbians exist and they are all absolutely wonderful and living truthfully; but I’m thinking about how much *I* still identify with lesbianism... My perception of myself is shifting from “NB lesbian with attraction to many different genders” to something I don’t quite know how to describe yet. It feels a little scary to think about letting go of the label “lesbian” because it’s something I’ve taken a lot of comfort in; but I’m finding other places to be comfortable now, too. Just gotta puzzle out what it means for how I’m going to describe myself!

(something funny is that I’m almost NEVER romantically attracted to cis people these days, especially cis men... my first GF was cis and a lovely person, but since then I’ve realized that I never want to date someone who I can’t talk about gender shit with, haha.)

#nonbinary #worm posts #long post #gender thoughts #transmasc #transmasculine #masculinity #femininity

[wormhandler]

May 11th, 2020

Oh boy, it’s that time again! As of yesterday, I’ve been on T for three whole months! Woohoo!! I’m still on a 0.5 ml dose, injected via IM every two weeks (my last shot was about a week ago). Things continue to slowly but steadily change... I’ve noticed several small changes recently, so I’ll go into them now!

First off: I’m definitely starting to grow some patchy facial hair!!! I actually felt the need to trim my chin whiskers the other day, so I’m considering that a wild success! However... I definitely have stuff growing in the neckbeard area too, so. That’ll be something to keep an eye on :’D My mustache hairs are getting darker too, slowly but steadily!

Secondly, I’ve noticed that my chest is getting oilier and more acne-prone. I haven’t had a ton of hair growth there yet, but I’m wondering if the oiliness and acne are indicators that growth will start happening there soon? I need to do more research... I really hope hair starts growing there soon, I’d love to have a little hair on my chest!

Thirdly, something about my face seems more... androgynous now? I’m not sure how to describe it because it’s very subjective, but I think my cheekbones and jawline are getting a little more squared off - where they used to be extremely round since I have a baby face. I don’t always see the androgynous/masculine look, but sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and can’t stop studying the shape of my face, haha.

Fourth: my voice is definitely changing! My normal speaking voice is still pretty high, but it’s definitely lower than what it was before; and I’m noticing a LOT of change in my singing register! I’m slowly gaining notes in the lower register, and sadly beginning to have trouble in my higher register... it’s becoming harder to smoothly transition between my chest voice and head voice and it’s a little harder to sing high notes in general, but I suppose it makes sense because my vocal chords are changing. I’m sure this will even out eventually, but in the meantime I’ll keep singing and practicing to keep track of it.

Fifth: I honestly can’t tell if this is because of T or because of the state of the world, but... I’m finding myself getting angry more often. I noticed the difference because in the past I mostly felt despondent when faced with horrid things, while these days the despondency is being balanced out with a more energetic anger. It’s kind of good but kind of bad - it’s less likely to make me super-depressed, but I’m more likely to get hung up on the things making me mad. I have a good handle on these feelings though; I’m not letting it take over or cause me to be brash or whatever. It’s not good or bad; just different.

Next few points are under the cut due to being not-quite-SFW!

Sixth... this is one that’s still developing, but I think my period is starting to get affected by the T. My last period was a little irregular vs. what I usually have, and recently I’ve been seeing some spotting. I’m going to do more research about what other transmasc/trans guys’ experiences have been with changes in their periods, but I’m definitely keeping track of it.

Seventh - my bottom growth is continuing and my libido is still ridiculous! It’s definitely more under control, but I *have* noticed that it spikes in the days after taking my shot. There’s also been an increase in sensitivity, but not so much that I can’t do regular day-to-day stuff.

And... I think that’s it! Phew, this is a big journal entry. I hope my experiences are interesting or helpful! See ya next time!

#gender juice diary #transmasc #nonbinary #hormone replacement therapy #hrt #worm posts #long post

[wormhandler]

April 20th, 2020

weeeeewwww 420 weeeeeewwwwww (I don’t have any weed and I’m sad about it :c)

I did my T shot today so I figured it’s a good time to write a Gender Juice Diary entry! The hormonal side of things seems to have evened out a bit since my previous entry, which is nice; I’m still up from my baseline but that’s to be expected. Additionally my facial hair has continued to grow and darken; including my mustache hair! I don’t actually *have* a mustache yet but it’s starting to come in :D I’m still getting plenty of acne, but it’s not too bad... I’ve had some persistent acne on my face, but there’s factors such as switching up my face cleansing routine/etc. that are likely affecting that. Ultimately though, it’s nothing I haven’t been able to handle.

My T shot went very smoothly today, and thinking about it more I definitely want to draw a comic guide for how to do IM injections... I think it’d be useful to show people how it works, what you do for it, and talk about ways to minimize pain or nervousness when injecting. I’m gonna be noodling on this idea for a bit, but if I end up drawing anything I’ll for sure post it on my main blog!

#hrt #hormone replacement therapy #nonbinary #transmasc #worm posts #gender juice diary

[wormhandler]

April 6th, 2020

guess what! It’s my two month HRT-iversary!!! things in the world have changed a TON since my one month anniversary... namely, the state of the world 6_6 but luckily hormones don’t care if you’re out of a job, they keep doing their thing and changing your body. so woo!

Anyways, this past month I started doing a 0.5ml intramuscular dose instead of my previous 0.3ml dose - about where a trans man’s initial dose would be (I started lower since I’m NB and also pretty chemically/hormonally sensitive, so I wanted to go slow). Most of what’s changed has been of a somewhat personal/not-work-safe manner, so I’ll be putting this Gender Juice Diary under the cut!

There hasn’t been a ton of physical change, but there’s been enough to be noticeable! I have the beginnings of a tiny bit of chin-scruff forming, and it’s honestly really cute. :’D It’s extremely wispy at the moment, but there’s a couple thick, dark hairs coming in and they make me SO HAPPY! (Though I have been absentmindedly twirling/tugging on them a bit and I accidentally pulled out one of my darker hairs, which was a little terrifying and despair-inducing for a brief moment until I reassured myself that it’d grow back :’D)

additionally... as far as I can tell, my downstairs growth has been continuing! Again I won’t go into too much detail here, but the structures are definitely getting larger and a bit more phallic (for lack of a better word) in appearance. I am SUPREMELY pleased. <3

And then, on the hormonal side of things... I’m definitely feeling a lot of hormonal change because (incoming TMI) the libido changes have FULLY hit and they are NO JOKE. It’s different for everyone, but for me: maybe 2 or 3 days after my initial 0.5ml dose my sex drive abruptly jumped up from its already heightened state to something that’s become a biiiiit overwhelming!! I’m still adjusting to change as best I can but it’s. Whoo. Whoo boy. It’s a lot.

Emotionally/mentally I’ve been up and down, but I’m attributing that more to the overwhelming confusion and anxiety of my day-to-day life as of late than to the T. I’ve been having some bad days as a result of being out of work and in a very precarious position, but I bounce back pretty quickly. And again I do think these mood swings are more influenced by my current living/working situation than my hormonal situation :U I’m trying my best to build some more structure into my days in the meantime... incidentally, Animal Crossing has been helping with that, haha.

and so, that brings this edition of the Gender Juice Diary to a conclusion! thank you for reading! I wish you only the best and I hope you’re staying safe and sound out there! bye!

#hrt #hormone replacement therapy #nonbinary #medical transition #transmasc #worm posts #gender juice diary

[wormhandler]

March 25th, 2020

woop woop, little gender juice update!

This is my first week on my higher dosage of 0.5ml every 2 weeks. I’m still doing intramuscular injections for this as well.

Nothing has really changed much since I did my injection, but I did want to talk about something that happened - usually I do my injections on Monday because those are one of my days off, so I don’t have to leave the house or do strenuous work. However this Monday I did my injection, then did some work which involved me standing for an extended period - which I think caused a mild side effect with my dose. When you do an intramuscular injection dose, it’s common for the injection site to be a bit sore or tender for a day or so afterwards. This time around, though, my right thigh developed a lot of soreness from around my injection site down to my right knee. The soreness started a few hours after my dose on Monday, continued throughout Tuesday, and today - Wednesday - is finally calming down.

My theory is that I agitated the deposited T solution by moving the muscle and working while standing upright, so the solution was pulled downward by gravity and spread throughout the muscle rather than staying where I deposited it. I am not a doctor, so I have no idea if this is an accurate read of the situation... it was annoying and achy, but not life threatening; and I’m doing fine now. I’ll definitely be discussing it with my doctor as soon as I can though.

My only advice for this situation: don’t excessively use the limb you’ve injected into!!! Just rest and keep the muscle warm and relaxed for a good while.

Anyways, just wanted to make a note of this occurrence. I’ll post an update after I’ve talked with my doctor about if this event is a known possibility or if it means anything bad! Other than that my injection was smooth sailing, and I’m looking forward to what might change with my higher dose. anyways, tootles!

#gender juice diary #hrt #hormone replacement therapy #nonbinary #transmasc #worm posts #medical transition

[wormhandler]

UPDATE: I refilled my prescription and now have a 3 month supply, woo! I still need to get more disposable syringes to actually administer it - I only have enough syringes & needles for 1 month’s worth of doses - but it’s good to at least have the meds available. :’)

whoops, an anxiety post, cw for money worries related to COVID

My livelihood has been impacted by closures due to COVID and while I know I have some measure of stability, part of me is INTENSELY worried about maintaining my supply of hormones during this period. I’m planning to make an appointment with my provider as soon as possible so I can refill my prescription and feel more secure, but depending on how things shake out with my job and other factors... slowing or stopping my hormone use might be an option I have to consider to save money.

I truly deeply hope it never comes to that point because thinking about it makes me want to cry, so I’m just gonna do the best I can for now... ;~;

#worm posts #yay less anxious now!

[wormhandler]

whoops, an anxiety post, cw for money worries related to COVID

My livelihood has been impacted by closures due to COVID and while I know I have some measure of stability, part of me is INTENSELY worried about maintaining my supply of hormones during this period. I’m planning to make an appointment with my provider as soon as possible so I can refill my prescription and feel more secure, but depending on how things shake out with my job and other factors... slowing or stopping my hormone use might be an option I have to consider to save money.

I truly deeply hope it never comes to that point because thinking about it makes me want to cry, so I’m just gonna do the best I can for now... ;~;

#worm posts #covid 19 cw #ask to tag //