writen0w

[writen0w]

When you have a lot of time and a brain...

Since I have all the time in the world, I have a lot of opportunities to just think.

Think about how I treat my mom vs how I treat my dad.

Think about I don't have a ride or die friend. Not anymore, I guess.

Think about how boring the interent is if you don't know how to use it.

I am more antagonistic towards my mom probably because she was my greatest bully growing up in terms of my body image.

She was never 'wear what you want' type of mom. Instead, she was 'oh, we have to hide this. Wear this it'll make you look smaller'. I am 24 now and I am finally coming to terms that she was probably the reason why I am so hard on myself. I think I am on food restrictions every since grade school. I was just a kid. Nobody should care about how big my arms are or how my tummy is not flat or why I have chubby cheeks. I think at one point, I went fucking  crazy and just ate and ate because my family is talking shite about me already so what's stopping me from eating another fried chicken? That's fucked up, I know now, but I was just a kid.

Lately, she is back with those passive aggressive comments about me not exercising again. I know she means well but I try not to let those remarks creep inside my head. I am more in control with body now. Thanks to science and internet.

Sometimes, I play her game, too. I comment on her body, on how she's not exercising anymore, and she's getting big. At first, it felt good. Making her feel what she made me feel all those years but then guilt comes in. I don't want to be that kind of person. I am not that person. So I try not to do it again.

Maybe the fact that her brother body shames me every time I visit the province and her nonchalance about it makes me dislike her more.

The next time I go back I will literally reply back with a remark like 'I may be fat but at least I don't cohabit with a woman who is not my wife while still being married to another. Not only that is immoral but also illegal.' I mean, immoral to the catholic church to which he ascribes to. Then I will stand my ground. Tell him every time he body shames me, I will say another statement that he would not particularly like. AND demand a fucking apology. Damn, that would be such a power move. Can't wait to go back because I know he will say something rude.

Yo, uncle. I'll come for you and you won't like it, asshole. He's a DDS. Need I say more?

Okay, I'll write about the ride or die friend next time.

#diary #filipino #pinoy #thoughts #quarantine #writing #amwriting #writers

[writen0w]

Finally, I’m at that point

I’m finally at that point where I don’t look for someone’s company anymore. Wala na akong pake kung may nagtatanong ba sa akin kung kumain na ba ako kasi let’s be honest, sa bahay naman namin ay walang nagugutom. My dad always makes stuff - pita bread, pandesal, ham and cheese bread. Now, we’re on the carrot cake phase. Wala na din akong pake kung wala akong masendang ng memes or mapagkwentuhan ng mga smol things about my life kasi I realized, I do that with my family already.  Wala na akong pake kung wala good morning texts paggising ko. Mas importante na yung fact na may charge yung earphones ko for my morning workout. So this is how it feels to be so fucking busy and happy doing your own shit. It feels so damn good, hun. While I did spend and arguably wasted the earlier parts of quarantine finding someone to connect with but I am finally at that point where I would rather channel all my time and energy to my hobbies.  It feels so good and liberating that I get scared sometimes. What if this spirals to me not exerting effort to build new relationships or sustain my current ones? Oh, well. I’m sure I’m going to be okay.

#filipino #pinoy #diary #thoughts #quarantine #tagalog

[writen0w]

Panaginip Series Ep 01

Fresh from my notes, filed under Facebook posts that never made it.

Written March 21, 2021 Hi! My dreams, since the quarantine started, got so weird and bizarre and I thought I'll share it with you! You know, give you something to read while taking a shite or pag wala lang talaga kayong magawa.

Kaka-lockdown anniversary lang natin kaya feeling ko dun kumuha ng inspiration yung panaginip ko.

Ang dilemma ay I had to choose kung anong sanitary station ang maglilinis ng push cart ko. The other few stalls ay for car owners at sa push cart nila with groceries in it already. May weird sign dun na different ang station for empty and loaded push carts and somehow, in my dream, I just couldn't make sense of it? So I went with what my heart tells me and then the whole sanitary station collapsed right before my eyes. Grabe, this dream really told me, "you have dumb dumb heart, hun."

Syempre, like what I always do kapag may kapalpakan ako irl, tinakbuhan ko. Tapos may nakasalubong akong nagmomomol sa may talahiban.

The end.

I will take this type of dream in  a heartbeat kaysa yung mga survival mode, zombie apocalypse, or war-themed na panaginip ko nung una. Pagod na pagod na pagod ako every time na magigising kasi I don't want to save the world? Gusto ko lang matulog peacefully.

#notes #panaginip #dream #dreams #filipino #sulatph

[writen0w]

Hi

Ang dami kong sinubukan na bagong bagay ngayong quarantine.

Watercolor painting

Sewing

Crochet

Inline skating

The latest one is planting herbs.

Pero gusto kong bumalik sa pagsusulat para makaalala sa 2025. Gusto kong balikan kung paano ako nabwisit sa kuya ko dahil kupal siya o kung paano ako laging tinatanong ng tatay ko kung anong lulutuin niyang ulam. I want to write about my realization about my sister being the breadwinner of the family. My mom’s faith. And my younger brother’s struggle. 

I want to write about my dreams as well. As in panaginip kasi it is getting weirder, folks.

This is probably my 2328328th tumblr account haha I hope this is the last one.

#thoughts #quarantine #intro #philippines