x1aojun

[x1aojun]

vaping affecting ur ears is dumb as hell honestly

#who designed humans like this why does everything affect everything else #and why am i so sensitive !! damn

[x1aojun]

for all of my teen years I hoped for a terminal illness so it wouldn't be my fault and now I'm not suicidal anymore and my health anxiety gets worse and worse every day 👍👍 the irony is so cruel it's laughable

#in 2020 i thought i had covid and was gonna die and i was so pissed bc i genuinely thought #i JUST decided i dont wanna die anymore and now its gonna happen anyways #this feeling of intense fear of death is so awful i almost wish i still didnt care just so i wouldnt have to feel this terror every day #suicidal ideation tw #suicide tw #being scared of death still feels so new to me after spending most of my life craving it . how weird is that

[x1aojun]

oh my god

sometimes I look back at my teen self and I'm like wow if I didnt throw myself into such horrible mental cycles for years I'd be doing so much better now. and I feel like in the future I'm gonna look back at this point in my life and be like wow if I wasnt so isolated and self destructive all the time back then I'd be doing so much better now

but I'm doing my best with what I have right now and I know I did the same back then so I try to be kind to my past self and I hope my future self does the same for me too

#yes youre right im mad at you for not brushing your teeth #but we did our best

[x1aojun]

[x1aojun]

mmmmmaybe its not actually that bad if my "rock bottom" is stained teeth and cavities

#it sucksssss but its not actually life ending and i think most people experience this at some point #and lots of people experience much worse #not to downplay my own struggles just trying to put it in perspective #makes me feel like shit every single time i look at my teeth but its not the end of the world #common depressed 22 year old struggle i guess #its more abt what it represents ig. in regards to not taking care of myself at all and being disconnected from reality for most of 2022 #but its in the past and im healing and learning and moving forward i SUPPOSE

[x1aojun]

I think I would b such a tragic blorbo

#unfortunate that i am real and not fictional

[x1aojun]

idek if I care abt this concert anymore it feels like the universe is trying to stop me from experiencing this but it would be lame if I gave up

#its just been so many stressful and unpleasant things and nothing is working out #i was looking forward to it the first time bc i felt optimistic but now i just. want to get it over with :(

[x1aojun]

have u ever been SO PISSED at someone it feels like the planet is boiling around u then five seconds later ur perspective shifts just a little and u realize it's fine

#this person is the devil and the universe is punishing me and i need to block them forever #and then suddenly im ljke. oh wait. theyre nice actually. if i use one singular braincell to think abt this situation

[x1aojun]

I should not be allowed to exist in society

[x1aojun]

I mean the whole day wasnt completely bad and I'm trying to focus on the positives of like seeing my friend again and her cat and I had a really nice experience walking down the beach with her that I want to remember

I just wish it wasnt also shadowed with this overwhelming feeling of like. I am getting nowhere in life and I'm never going to be normal

#it doesnt even make SENSEEEEEE like why am i less upset abt the concert than abt the fact that i couldnt talk to her roommates #ok well now that i say it. i dont have deep lifelong insecurities abt missing concerts #but like seriously i neeeeeeed 2 chill like everyone is right its literally FINE #im just tired of the cycles besties. im tired of the inescapable cycles

[x1aojun]

I need to rewatch bocchi and nhk bc I knowww rationally this wasnt a failure but it's hard not to see it that way

I feel stupid for even letting myself hope that I would enjoy a party and make new friends. I couldnt even look at anyone the whole time and I left early while everyone very eagerly agreed with me to leave and I went home alone in an uber crying the whole time. and the paramore concert was rescheduled.

#no concert 🙅‍♂️ no conversations 🙅‍♂️ no alcohol 🙅‍♂️ just intermittent crying and silently squirming around the entire time #bocchi is back in her closet 🙇‍♀️ at least she gets a You Tried sticker

[x1aojun]

today is the first time in a year and a half that I've met a new person that wasnt a medical professional

#and im going full npc victorian child mode i hate myself!

[x1aojun]

I wish I could kill myself

[x1aojun]

what they don't know is that when we were apart they were living a life and I was just sitting here

#girl help.... the attachment patterns......

[x1aojun]

TWICE ☆ season greetings 2023

#twice #fav

[x1aojun]

#nct #🐦💚 #glasses #fav

[x1aojun]

DOYOUNG — nct 127 ‘1,2,7 (time stops)’

#nct #🐦💚