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xephyrion · 2 years
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I think it’s a sign I should go
I just need to complain. Maybe I just want validation, idk. But I don't want to do it on FB where people know me. My parents are always proud that I was the 'cheapest' child out of my siblings. I used to think this was a good thing. I didn't ask them for money, with the exception that they helped me with my undergrad. I went to community college since university was expensive (which I don't regret at all, my siblings went straight to university). But they seem to be really proud that I was the 'lowest costing' child of the three; and that I put myself through my masters while working. I didn't have a social life until I started working and making money. Never went out in middle school or high school, wasn't allowed to hang out with friends. 
But is that really something to be proud of? I don't ask them for anything because it ends up being a bargaining chip to be used against me later. I don't ask them, because they consistently showed me they were unreliable, unhelpful, or holding me back; so I always went to other people for advice. My mom would always talk about how expensive everything is, and now I'm always worried about having enough money, and I don't ever think I'll have enough. I feel like by the time my parents got to me, they pretty much were done with the whole 'parenting' thing. 
I know my dad cares, and I'm unsure about my mom; but he really frustrates me and tries to hold me back. Whenever I try to do anything and mention it to him, the response is always "No, don't do it". When I was starting out in my career, there was a data entry job and he would tell me not to take the job. I used to be terrified of driving (because I always drove breaking down cars lol) and there was a job interview in a city a few hours away, and my dad said he wouldn't take me because "I think if you go there, you'll never come back". 
But if he really cared, wouldn’t he respect my opinion? Wouldn’t he listen to me when it mattered most? People will always say “But your parents love you”, but do they, really? Because it seems more like they care about their own interests. 
When my friend Det. Mike Brausam said to me:  “If you have kids someday, their personal happiness should take priority over yours“, that made me cry. Because I knew my parents never cared about my happiness, and if they do, it’s conditional. My dad says “I just want you to be happy” but also has conditions for it. Same with my mom. If you really want me to be happy, it should be on my own terms. 
I cycle through about 50 conversations with him, where he tells me the same outdated information. My parents barely know anything about me, I think. A few weeks ago, he asked me for the first time what I do at my job. 
I'd complain about my mom, but she's got her own place elsewhere. I mean, I can still complain about her. 
My dad always talks about the things he would do with mom before they had kids, and the adventures they seemed to have with each other and our cousins; but they didn’t have those experiences or memories with us. We went to the desert or beach a few times, and then it stopped. 
My parents wanted me to be their caretaker and take care of them when they get old, so they didn't want me to get married or anything like that. Fortunately, I broke out of that mindset a few years ago, but I still feel fucked in other ways. 
Yes, my parents made a lot of sacrifices and are immigrants. I get they're not perfect, but I have friends with parents of immigrants that have made plenty of sacrifices and at least feel like their parents love them. Although, when my dad keeps saying he planned us and our mom didn't I can't help but wonder.
Their parenting has set me back in a lot of ways (mostly emotionally). I've been going to therapy, but it's getting too expensive. I hate to hold this resentment in my heart, but it’s made things much more difficult for me. 
I’m sad, angry, jealous, and resentful. 
I guess this is the sign that I should go. 
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xephyrion · 2 years
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Dear future child(ren),
I promise to do my best for you. I will try to keep an open mind and listen to what you have to say and when you speak. I will encourage your interests and let them flourish as long as they do not bring harm to others. I promise to spend quality time with you. I will not trick or deceive you (unless it’s for a birthday surprise or something positive); I will try to explain things to you, apologize when I am at fault, and explain what could be done differently. I will try not to hold any expectations on you or force what I would have liked for my life on you, if it’s not what you want. I will try to be patient, and I will teach you. 
I will do my best to prepare you for adulthood and becoming a person of your own as you navigate your life. I won’t hide the reality of the world from you (and unfortunately, this will mostly be financial); but we will learn how to adapt together. I will not hinder your individuality or try to suppress you. I want you to know, you are the hope of the future. I will do my best to be reliable and involved, and show that I care; even when you make mistakes -- because how will you learn? I hope I never make you feel like a burden, because no one should ever feel that way. I hope to set a good example for you, even if I didn’t have that. 
I promise that whether or not you are born, you come from a place of love. I love you very much and that my decision comes from that love. 
Love, 
Mom
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xephyrion · 2 years
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Need to vent
Dad’s been really irritating lately so I needed to vent. He’s normally OK, but to be fair I don’t interact with him that much. Unfortunately he’s a bit of a selfish asshole. 
A while ago, I was (and still) feeling pretty shitty and we were driving through a particular city so my dad decided to comment that he had a co-worker or friend or whatever who lived in that city and saw someone commit suicide by jumping off a building and said “Crazy people do live here”. 
So I asked him “Why do you think people jump?”  And he said “Because they’re crazy or on drugs”
So I made an offhand comment, but basically told him anyone could jump.  Then he’s like “Don’t say that, you’re scaring me” 
A few days ago he said my sister is the one who caused trouble when she was in HS. I told him “I don’t think she was the problem”. 
And I said “When she cut herself, it was obviously a cry for help” so my dad got mad at me and said I’m “indirectly calling him stupid”. You’d think the wellbeing of his kid would be more important than his damn ego. 
He’s also frustrated that he doesn’t have grandkids, which is one thing. But he ALSO has to be an asshole about it. He goes on saying he wants to see a grandchild that looks like him, he wants to see a ‘mini’ version of him or my brother... Gross. 
I was explaining to him I wouldn’t have a child if I can’t promise them a better life. And I’ve told him he’s prob not going to have grandkids. 
So what does he do? Complain that my life and my siblings lives are so easy which is irrelevant by the way, but then gripes how ungrateful we are. 
Then the other day he continued to gripe about not having grandkids and then got mad and was like “Why do I even recycle!” Honestly, you should be recycling anyway; but it just seems to prove to me he’s a selfish prick. Even if I don’t have kids, there are other people who are having them. He doesn’t care about anyone else in the goddamn world and that’s the problem with people today! They think they live in a bubble of their own world -- NO. Our choices end up affecting EVERYONE. I hate this goddamn mentality that people only care about themselves and those immediately around them; without a thought to the future. He doesn’t listen to boundaries, or listen in general, and he treats me like some goddamn incubator. And like a piece of property. 
It’s none of your business whether or not I decide to have children. It’s MY choice, and even if I DID have kids, I would keep them FAR away from you. 
Ugh. 
Hopefully I save up enough and can put down on a place and move away. 
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xephyrion · 2 years
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If you love him, let him go.
I had to let go of the love of my life recently. I had to set him free. 
It was destiny we would meet, but it also seems like cruel fate that we had to part. I wish I could be with you forever, like I had hoped. I dreamed we would get married someday and grow old together. 
We were aligned in almost every way, except that he wanted biological children, and I didn’t. 
We had a wonderful two years together. We still love each other. We’re going to try and stay in each other’s lives as friends... It’s one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make... But I can’t deny him from what he wants. He wants to have a family. And I can’t give him that. At least not now. And I’m not sure if ever. I’m sorry. 
I felt every second longer I stayed with him, was another second I took away from him finding someone who wanted the same things as him. From his family.
I know he would never blame me or resent me, but I would always resent myself and feel guilty. 
So I had to let him go. 
I’m just so heartbroken right now, but I know made the right choice. 
If the stars align in the future again, I won’t hesitate to be by his side... 
But for now our time together will be a beautiful memory I’ll always cherish. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me so many wonderful things. 
Tol and smol forever. I love you. 
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xephyrion · 2 years
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2021
Whoops, looks like I skipped posting in 2021…
I didn’t even do the 2020 recap… Well, oh well.
Main highlights for 2021:
Participating in National Cyber League
Completed my Master’s Degree in Cyber Security! Yay!
Promoted in my job
I was offered a position at a law firm
I officiated my friend‘s wedding!!
I would start a new position in 2022
Finally reached 6 figures!
Traveled to new places (NY, MN, MA, CT)!
I think that’s all for now?
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xephyrion · 2 years
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It doesn’t help when you find out your mom never wanted kids in the first place, lol.
04.24.20
Inadequacy and being a burden.  
Keep reading
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xephyrion · 2 years
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02.06.22
I haven’t updated this in a while. This is the first time I’ve made a tumblr post on my phone, too.
Wow time sure flies. It’s 2022 now. I always remembered Feb 6 as Yuki day, in honor of my hamster.
Anyway, I was thinking about life in general, and things are soo much better than they used to be. I’m so grateful, and I’m content. I still want things, but life is good.
I was thinking about some old feelings and looking at a book I have called ”Mind over Mood”. It’s about cognitive behavioral therapy; connectjng thoughts, feelings, and actions together.
I remember growing up, I always had stomach pain, indigestion, and nausea. I’d also have congestion, like all the time and get a cold every so often, but I have no clue why. I don’t have those feelings as an adult and it’s great.
I used to cry all the time too, for lots of different reasons. I’d cry myself to sleep most of the time.
Last but not least— I always felt guilt, shame, and inadequacy. I think I always felt that way growing up, but the feeling took off once I was in middle school and took up a majority of my emotions in high school and college.
These aren’t daily feelings and emotions anymore, and I feel so much more… Free.
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xephyrion · 3 years
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October 2020
I’ve been meaning to follow up for a while; but haven’t had the chance to. I am currently six months into my new job, 8 (?) months into my relationship, 13 months into my master’s program (7 to go!). Despite the pandemic, life could not be better, really. 
My SO came out to see me back in July, so we went to Skid row, San Diego, Sawtelle, and Pasadena. I hope he enjoyed that week; but we got chunky, haha. 
Afterward, my apartment lease ended and I moved my things home. Then I flew out to the east coast and have been squatting here since. My mans continues to be sweet everyday, and shows the same love and appreciation he always has. I’m happy. We do silly dumb things and make each other laugh all the time. :)  I’ve pretty much decided that I’ll ask him to marry me... But not right now! Maybe in a few years (there’s no rush). I strongly feel it’s one of those things that I will regret, if I don’t do it (even if he says no).  
Hahah, I’ve already started planning this out. I saw some hockey rings from Stone Forge studios, so I’ll probably get a 18k or 14k white gold comfort ring band maybe with “Hey! Who ate the last hotdog!?” and the Isles logo engraved on the inside, with hockey puck, guitar strings, and hockey oak on the outside; since he loves hockey. Then it would be cool if I can make a ring holder or something out of a Isles hockey puck and I’ll ask him when we go on vacation someplace like Japan or somewhere like that. I just need to get his size, sigh. He doesn’t have to wear it, but it’s a symbol that I really thought about it and knew what I wanted. 
I’m usually an extremely indecisive person, but I knew pretty much right away I wanted to be with him forever, so it must mean something? 
There’s no one else I’d rather be with.
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xephyrion · 4 years
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Shame, guilt, and being a burden
My sister showed me a reddit post a while ago, here: 
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/d4d0ag/guilt_is_the_worst_thing_that_can_happen_to_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x
It’s a post that talks about guilt being a bad emotion and feeling for a child to have while growing up. 
There are 3 instances in a child's life where they gain independence:
1. When born and separated from their mother's womb
2. During puberty when they try to figure out who they are and become their own person
3. When they grow up to earn an income, become financially independent, and move out
If something interferes with these instances, the child misses the opportunity to grow. A normal parent grows alongside the child during these times and learn[s] to recognize and respect their child as an independent individual. The growth needs to happen on both sides in order for a good parent - adult child relationship.
The most critical period is during puberty. During this time, 2 [of the] worst things that can happen in a child: guilt and anger as it affects their sense of self. Anger is better in a way because you can still grow with anger. For example, you can tell yourself "I'm not going to be like my father" and gain a sense of self.
Guilt is the worst thing that can happen to a child during puberty. A child shouldn't feel sorry to their parents. When a parent induces feelings of guilt by saying things like "I sacrificed so much for you", "I worked so hard to support you", and "How could you do this to me?", the child feels guilty and thinks themselves as bad for hurting and making the parent sad. It's really the end when a child says "I'm sorry mom and dad". When they say sorry it's not because they are a nice and well-behaving kid. When they say sorry, that means that they have let go of their sense of self. In actuality, the child's behaviour is completely normal part of puberty, gaining independence, and growing up. When a completely normal child says sorry, it means that they gave up their sense of self. They have given up on themselves and any respect that they had for themselves. This is the worst thing that can happen in a parent child relationship. It's a miserable way for a child to grow up. The normal moms in the video thought that children should grow up without feeling sorry. Children need to be confident, at least to their parents.
Thinking about this was very saddening, but held true to me while growing up. I always felt inadequate growing up. One of the first incidents I remember is when I was doing my spelling homework in Kindergarten or first grade, and my mom started screaming at me “IF YOU DON’T WRITE NEATER, I’M GOING TO KOREA AND NEVER COMING BACK BECAUSE OF YOU”. I started crying, but at least I wrote neater. There was a lot of yelling going on in that home. 
When I was in 6th grade, I talked about my friend not really caring about how I felt to my mom. She raised her voice “You don’t have problems. Your friend has more important problems to deal with”. From then on, I didn’t talk about my problems because everyone else’s were more important than mine. I was just reminded I would always be a burden. 
But the real nail in the coffin was when I was 12. My mom went on a few drinking binges that year, and this time around she was crying as she was drunk. I think my dad and brother carried her to her bed as I watched. She cried out in Korean, “Why did I have these children?!” among other things; it was a terrible feeling. From then on, I felt like my very existence was a burden; that just by being born, I had caused a great disservice to my parents. I felt very guilty, as if I had done something wrong just by existing.   It didn’t help that my mother would emotionally burden (yes, I said burden) me and unload on me for over a decade.  In High School, she would vent to me everyday and make comments like “If I didn’t have kids imagine what I could be doing/have done”; she always said she could have been ‘something’ rather than ‘nothing... And every time, it hurt. I graduated college early taking on semester loads of 20 and 18 units so I could no longer burden my father with the cost of tuition. 
Tumblr media
This picture never applied more in my life.  It still hurts, but it’s a dull pain now. I don’t feel that I’m a burden anymore since I’m (basically) a full fledged adult, but I never want to cause someone to feel this way. Especially not my own kid (though I don’t want any). No one should ever have to feel that way. I was a ‘good’ kid, but I’m dealing with the repercussions a decade later. 
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xephyrion · 4 years
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04.24.20
Inadequacy and being a burden.  
One emotion I’ve always struggled with is the feeling of ‘not being good enough’. The feeling is much less of a burden than it used to be. As an adolescent, I felt inadequate daily. Living was just a reminder of how much of a burden I was. 
This definitely carried over in my first relationship; and some of the actions my exSO did aggravated those feelings. This, along with basically being unable to articulate and clearly communicate how I felt, lead to a point where several negative emotions became normal for me.
I eventually came to understand how unhealthy and abnormal those feelings were; and quite honestly, I’m scared I’ll feel them again. At least I know this time they’re not normal. Certain levels of inadequacy, jealousy, shame, hurt, and neglect were a daily feeling. 
ExSO didn’t quite understand, but I had voiced dissatisfaction with being frequently ignored and neglected-- but I was told I had been overreacting or making large demands, so I stayed feeling frequently ignored and neglected. 
When I was visiting my new SO and he was going to play games with some friends, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat nervous. I had an anxious feeling in my stomach that perhaps all SOs just acted like the previous and I was just overreacting and being clingy...
But he wasn’t neglectful. He included me in the conversation and wanted me to interact with his friends. He did this for a few days and I felt... Relieved. It was such a relief that I didn’t have those negative feelings I recall having before. He’d still acknowledge my existence, and that was really nice. 
I still feel insecure at times. Currently, my SO is trying to promote. He thinks about moving to California, making friends, and spending time with his hobbies and interests. He doesn’t really say anything about us seeing each other, and I’m not really sure if that’s a problem or not, but it made me feel insecure as if I’ll either be an afterthought or he’ll ditch me. In reality, he’s just really excited at the opportunity to promote out here and is working really hard to do so. 
It’s probably me overthinking, past neglect, and past experience that’s making me feel uncomfortable. I mulled it over in my head for a bit... So I had to remind myself: 
1. This a new relationship so we’re not at that level of commitment.  2. I would think it’s absolutely stupid for him to move across the nation with me being the sole reason.  3. He’s just really excited. 4. He has his own life to live, and should live that life how he’d like to. 5. I’m sure there would be hesitations or reservations about me because he was in a long term relationship before, so probably a similar feeling I feel.  Logically, this makes more sense. I think that’s more of the reason anyway.  I still let him know I felt a little insecure, and I think I just need more time to build more trust with him. He said he understood; but I felt like he might have had more to say. I did press a little and he said he was a little sad about how I felt, but it made sense.  Fortunately, he really hasn’t done anything to make me feel uncomfortable or insecure. I think it’s just my head messing with me. It’s always a mental struggle.  Earlier this week, I was irrationally irritated that he fell asleep but didn’t say good night to me (even though he was really tired, which is what makes this irrational). I’m not really sure why that’s such a big deal to me, but I was really looking forward to talking to him and seeing him on video chat-- so I guess I was disappointed. At least this time I verbally expressed it, and he apologized and we talked about it. I felt better.
 He also usually says “I love you” quite frequently, so I thought the other day I might have angered him. I felt somewhat insecure about it so I asked him if I annoyed him somehow. He made the time to call and quickly check in on me to make sure I was OK, and I just feel so much better. He was just busy.  I really appreciate him. I hope I’m not being too needy, but after everything that’s happened in the past I need a little reassurance sometimes. He doesn’t make me feel like I’m a problem. He’s very sweet and takes the time to call me and lets me know when he’s thinking of me. He acknowledges how I feel, works to make amends, and takes the time to talk to me.  My perspective on life was getting better, and I was doing OK. He came into my life, fills my heart with love, and enhances my life. He doesn’t make me feel like a burden, even though I’ve been very emotional with him. He seems to understand I love deeply but have been greatly hurt, and I’m just scared of dealing with that again. He doesn’t make me feel inadequate or like a burden, and I just love him so much <3. I feel loved, cared for, and a bit more secure with him. 
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xephyrion · 4 years
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April 2020
  It feels like I’m putting a close to another chapter in my life this year... 2019 was hectic, crazy, super stressful, and there was a lot of turmoil and change. This year is no different; but it’s also a bit unique since we have this COVID-19 pandemic affecting everyone.
My birthday is coming up, and I’ve been thinking about how there’s even more change going on. I might be sensitive to change, so I might be having trouble with the extra stimuli going on. I’ve been really emotional lately, and it’s really annoying. -_-
I’m starting a new job in a week, and I’m really excited. I’ve been trying to get into InfoSec for 5 years; and I’ve been taking small steps to get there. I’m leaving the department after almost 2 years, and I’m entering the private sector again. It’s scary and there are certain aspects I will miss; but it’s a better move for my future in the end.  I’m in a new relationship with someone who appreciates me and makes me feel loved. It was so sudden I feel weird about it; but I just need some time to process everything that’s been going on. I had this feeling that... They were the right person for me; and I don’t believe in the idea of finding ‘the one’ but it’s a feeling and thought I’ve definitely had about this person. I have this “this is it” feeling. For the time being, I feel sort of odd saying I have a boyfriend again. But I definitely had this niggling feeling to not let this person go. We’ll see in a few months. I think we complement each other really well. We have really good chemistry, and when I started seeing him; I didn’t have terrible anxiety or stomach issues. Things just feel right.  It’s weird because there were so many small choices that could have happened in order for us not to meet; but we ended up together. 
I feel like I’m moving forward in life where I was generally unhappy or apathetic; and I’m working towards and heading in a direction that makes me a lot happier. I feel very hopeful... I’ve closed a chapter in my life of unhappiness, and I’m ready to move forward and pursue my own interests and live for myself. :) 
I feel like I’ve left behind and am moving forward from toxic places, people, and behavior. Work was OK and paid the bills, but there was a lot of behavior that reminded me of home; which was why the behavior didn’t bother me as much at first. However; the more and more I noticed the similarities of the two, the more unhappy I started to become. 
As always, I’ve met a lot of good people along the way. :) And I’m always going to be thankful to them.   Here’s to 26. 
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xephyrion · 4 years
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04.05.20
I had a small heart to heart conversation with someone who deeply hurt me in the past; but myself 5 years ago was immature and lacked proper communication skills; especially when it came to expressing her own feelings. 
I still get along with this exSO, but I held resentment over some events from years ago; and I don’t want to be like my mom. However; what happened kept bothering me, and I know that I wouldn’t be able to give it a rest without an apology.  So I let this friend know I wanted to speak about something from the past. There were a few things they had done to hurt me, but I chose two incidents that hurt me the most. They were someone that should have been there for me; especially in a time of need, and they weren’t.  It was February 19, 2014. I had a car accident while going to my university, so naturally, the first person I call is my SO at the time. I never made such a drastic mistake before. They picked up the phone and I told them what happened. They responded with “Okay”. I guess I had this expectation they would ask if I were alright, if they could do anything to help me, or just ask if I wanted them to come down and see me; but nothing. So I asked “What are you doing?” “Lying in bed,” they responded. I hung up. I called my brother instead and he came down and helped me. 
That incident left me feeling deeply hurt and unloved. I felt like my exSO didn’t care, but I also never brought it up again.  I let my friend know this, and they said “I really didn’t know how to handle that,” 
“I’m sorry.” “Your feelings are important. I’m sorry for letting you feel that way.” I also let them know the second most thing bothering me was how unappreciated I had felt. I felt I had been putting in all the effort to make things work. I failed to communicate that properly, however, so it was unfair for me to hope that they could read my mind. 
They responded “Too late now, but I always loved you. I think I grew up with people doing too much for me so I couldn’t appreciate how much work you were putting in. And once again I’m sorry, I didn’t really understand at the time but I understood later in our relationship.” Which is true. Things were much better later, but I had grown to resent them so much, it was too late...  I held years and years of resentment. I finally feel like I had a weight lifted off of me; and I really hope I can close these feelings away and forget about them. The sincere apology was all I needed.  I hope that I no longer carry any resentment towards them, but also hope that I no longer make this mistake again in my new relationship.  As for that exSO? They’re doing great. They’re happy, found themselves, found supportive friends, and have grown to discover and accept themselves as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. And I’m genuinely happy for them. :] 
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xephyrion · 4 years
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How I met you
Let's see. So it was February in the year 2020 and I was thinking of joining the LAPD reserves. I mostly wanted to go through the process to support my friend (he should totally be my best man lmfao). He was pretty much all about this so he went ahead and got his polygraph scheduled right away. I followed suit and was like "Well, I better schedule it before him so I can give him all the deets". I scheduled my poly for Feb 13 at 1700. At some point I fiddled around with the day and I cancelled it and rescheduled it again (due to a work meeting I'll get in trouble for later). So the day comes and I go to meeting in DTLA at COMPSTAT. Stuff happens. I shouldn't be there. Oh well. Then I go to the polygraph a little early since I'm there and I listen to the examiner's BS for several hours, which causes a headache for me. It didn't help they would use a blood pressure cuff on you semi-tight and leave it on for several minutes at a time. After that was done, I decided, "Well, it's 1900.... I'm in DTLA.... I always go to bae. Let's do it!" So I walk over to the soft serve shop called bae. I look at it, thinking about it. I realize I hadn't eaten any real food all day, so I thought "Well... I'm sort of strapped on cash, but I should probably eat real food first. I'm not down here often, so it's ok to treat myself, I guess". I walk to the left of bae, and I'm deciding between two Japanese restaurants. I look at one that I had never been to before. Hm. Ok. I look at another one, Sushi Komasa, that I had in the past and was a decent sushi place. I stare at the menu for a bit and this couple adjacent to me is also looking. One person says "Oh, I think it's Chinese," so I correct him and tell him "It's actually Japanese" (come on guys, you're in Little Tokyo). In the meantime, something bright enters the restaurant and catches my eye, so I suppose I might as well eat here, too. I enter Sushi Komasa, and the waiter is talking to the customer that just walked in. The waiter asks "Are you waiting for anyone?" and the customer says "Oh, no" or something to that effect. The waiter directs the customer to the bar, or at least the customer is sitting there. The waiter turns to me, asking how many are in my party; and being hot and single it's just me, myself, and I. The waiter tells me I can take a seat at the bar either closer to the kitchen or at a seat near the door. I take note of whomever entered before me and state "I'll sit here". I go to take a seat, but before doing so, though I knew the answer to this, I the guy sitting to my left "Is anyone sitting here?", and as he reiterates his no very politely, I tell him "Ok, cool, thanks", and take a seat. I sit down and look at menu for a while, trying to decide between a few of the dinner items. Salmon? Chicken? Sashimi? I'm having trouble deciding; but eventually settle for a teriyaki chicken dinner bento or something like that. Meanwhile, that punk to my left is ordering sushi (damn rich kids). At some point he tries to make small talk with me, tells me his name is NYI. I'm pretty sure he's younger than me, I mean, look at him. Bright orange sweatshirt. Blue shoes. He looks young. Totally a college student. Definitely not the colors of his favorite hockey team, or something.   Anyway, he starts small talking me, and tells me he's not from the area; that he's actually visiting on vacation. Vacation? Jeez. This college kid can afford sushi and come to California on vacation? "I wish I was some rich college kid", I thought. "Why is this guy talking to me, anyway?" I wasn't in the best of moods, but I didn't want to be rude, either. He tells me how he had met some people and compiled a list of things to do in California. Eventually, this college punk he asks me what I do for work and I think I admit to him I don't usually go to the area we're in and that I work for the LAPD. He gives a smile, and I fail to understand what's so funny about it, but OK. I told him how I just took a polygraph for the reserve program, and he seems entertained. At some point, we get our food and we just kind of eat in silence. I figure, eh, I'm already talking to this person anyway, so I might as well continue the conversation. I ask him what he does for work (even though I'm convinced at this point he's just some rich college punk). He tells me he's a financial advisor; then says two words that blow my mind. Charles. Schwab. He works for Charles Schwab. "OH MY GOD," I exclaim, "THAT'S MY BANK!" I'm way too excited about this. But I mean, who wouldn't? The guy works for Charles Schwab, only the best bank, ever, in my opinion. Anyhow, he sure had my attention from there. He told me how he studied journalism from college and wanted to change careers due to the instability and harsh industry of the work, so he had gotten a chance to work for ScottTrade, which eventually did a merger with AmeriTrade. He's actually reiterating himself at this point, but I was half paying attention before from being brain dead. We continue talking until we finish eating our meals (he left some nigiri behind... and I almost offered to eat it because it was a waste, he admitted he felt bad about it). I tell him, "Well, I'm going to get ice cream now". So he takes it as an invitation (even though I was trying to get rid of him) and says "I'll join you". Uh, ok, I guess. I take him next door to bae, and we request a sample of all the soft serve flavors. He's eating the samples as I order the Ube/Mango over Cocoa Puff and Earl Grey flavored softserve (since the Pegasus was out, boohoo). However, much to my surprise when I go to pay, this guy tries to pay for me! "?! Huh?! What is he doing?! ", I wonder. He was definitely a weirdo for doing that, even if he somehow knew the way to my heart. But being the strong independent woman I am, I fortunately fished out a five dollar bill from my wallet and slipped it into his pocket. "How dare you pay for my ice cream!" Anyway, I get my ice cream and we walk around downtown LA, just chatting about miscellaneous things. He tells me about Boston, how there's a table flipping game, and how his trip had been going so far. I tell him how there are cute mice at city hall, but also rats with typhoid, the homeless problem, and we find a pile of pennies that he dared me to take the shiniest one of. Once I finish eating my ice cream, it's about 2100 (woah, where did the time go), and he (crap, what was his name again?) asks the local, "What should we do now?" I honestly had no clue; but I tell him there's the arcade Round One.... Um... We walk by a bar and I tell him it's Wolf and Crane "Let's go in" he suggests, but I really would rather not... So I kind of shake my head at the idea. He tells me how before his friends back home had girlfriends, they would go to bars or clubs and try to 'pick up chicks' then kind of hang out to the side with their drinks and look silly. Eventually we settle on the idea of going to a karaoke bar. He (.... crap, I still don't remember his name) asks, "Where is a good one?" and with my local knowledge and expertise, I tell him "I don't know".   We do a quick Google search of a Karaoke place, find one called Max Karaoke, and start walking towards that direction. It took us a while to get to it since we kept walking past the location (Hey, I was trying to conserve my phone's battery life). But as we walk, he tells me about his trip to Japan and how he should show me pictures of the trip. Then we talk about food and chef Morimoto. We finally find the Karaoke place and notice a sign with several rules to follow at the place. It also charged significant amounts of money if certain rules were broken. Ok. Anyhow, he (whatshisname???) puts down this really fancy metal credit card that I noticed right away (I swear to God he must be showing off). and we go into the Karaoke room. He goes to the restroom and I search through the songbook. I started playing "Thank u, next" by Ariana Grande, but he came back so I stopped playing it. We sit on opposite sides of the room, and I ask him if he knows Panic! At the Disco, and he has!! He actually seems to listen to much of the music I would listen to! Refreshing for a change. First, Charles Schwab, then Panic! At the Disco! We karaoke for 2 hours, and he has a nice voice. I notice he seems to be sitting closer to me, but we also had fun singing the club remix of Moana, A Whole New World, Paramore, the Pokemon Theme, and other songs. By the end of the two hours, we sing California girls, and he's basically next to me and being a little touchy, which makes me nervous, so I shy away. He asks if he can kiss me, where I either said or shook my head "no". I'm wondering "What the heck?! You don't even know me." Fortunately, he respects my wishes and backs off. it's already around 2300, so I let him know i have work in the morning and should probably get going. We split the bill for karaoke, and I offer him a ride back to where ever he's staying. It just seems like the nice thing to do, especially since it seems like we're friends now. We walk back to my car, which was about 15 minutes away. He tells me how he was from New York; and how he was in Brooklyn, would visit his grandparents, and that he's relatively used to seeing homeless people. I tell him about skid row; but suggest he doesn't go there. It's about midnight by the time we get to my car, and I tell him, "Oh sorry, I need to clean out the front" and I shuffle some things around. I also bought some Kinder Bueno chocolate candy bars from Ralphs, and just being friendly, I offer one to him. He obliges. It happens to be Valentine’s day, as he jokes I’m giving him chocolate because I like him. I’m embarrassed and tell him “Noo”.  I don't remember what we talked about at this point, but he needed to go back to Koreatown since that's where his AirBnB was. At some point, I suggested we exchange numbers, but I don't remember why. I also wonder why I did it. But he gave me his name again, oh yeah! His name is NYI! I start driving and tell him about California drivers. I almost get us killed prematurely turning when there was ongoing traffic, and tell him "I'm perpetuating the stereotype!" He seemed genuinely nice and sensitive as a person, though. After much trial and error, we eventually make it back to the AirBnB; and he tries to hang out with me on Valentine's day, hinting that he's very free that day, and maybe we could meet up again sometime. I feel hesitant about seeing him again, so I tell him, "I might be busy". In reality, this was the first Valentine's day I was single and had money, and I'd been planning on eating jjajjangmyeon for singles day for 8 years. I also had plans to see Raine, my boo. He states "So... I guess this is goodbye?" and I say good bye, good night, and good riddance! (But I was also exhausted at this point). On my drive home, I thought about him... That.... Guy I kept forgetting his name.... Oh yeah, NYI, with the funny last name. I thought about him. I was a bit tired, but... I felt strangely close to him; even close enough to do karaoke with him. But... He was the only guy to really respect my boundaries like that... And I really appreciated it... In fact, so much so, I thought... Hmm... Maybe I should give this one a chance? But should I? Something niggled in my mind about letting this one walk away...  I would need to think about it more. I thought about other guys. Either, I didn't connect with them at all, they would ask me out first thing without even bothering to get to know me, would try to pressure me to drink. Never respected my boundaries, especially when I told them I don't want to kiss them, they try anyway. And none of them ever tried to buy me ice cream. In fact, they didn't even know me at all. At the very least, I messaged NYI that I had fun hanging out with him; and I decided, since he was respectful of my boundaries, that I'd hang out with him again; since he didn't seem to try to put me in harms way. I told him I might be free Saturday or Sunday. I also felt that I needed to explain to him how I form attachments, and was unsure how to approach that. I thought about it for a while. He worked for Charles Schwab. He liked Panic! At the Disco, and other music I liked. He tried to buy me ice cream, even though that was really weird. He respected my boundaries. We got along really well. He loves food. I thought about him a bit, though. I needed some time. But I also remembered I missed an opportunity in the past since I think I was a little "too slow" to understand my feelings. i needed to let the feelings sink in a little more... I decided I would give this one a chance.  I messaged you when I got home, stating it was a lot of fun meeting you and that I could see you Saturday if you were free.  I talked to him the following days, and we were sending each other really long messages, and talked a lot and hit it off well. I genuinely had fun with them.
We talked all throughout the week (well we talk everyday) and when Saturday came, I potentially almost had plans with my brother and his friends, but NYI got to me first. I was thinking about flaking; but I think I also made a commitment to be less flaky. I picked him up from K Town at 2100, and we drove to Round 1. We played a bunch of games at Round 1; and I genuinely had a lot of fun spending time with them. We stayed until closing; which was about 0100; but I didn’t really want to part. 
I started talking about seeing the night sky and stars, I talked about So Cal being somewhat desert; and NYI said ‘Let’s go!’, so I responded “... Really?” so we off to the desert we went. 
It took 2 hours to get to the location, and the night sky was really nice; even with a bright moon above us. We hopped on top of the car and just gazed at the sky together. You held my hand, but it was so cold it didn’t matter. I thought, “Well [it doesn’t harm me], if this will make someone else happy, I guess this is fine”. We talked (and froze) the whole night. We got to know each other, and learned how similar we were. We seemed connected on a deeper level.
The sun eventually rose, and we had to drive back to the Los Angeles area. We were going to K Town, but decided we should eat breakfast first. We kept driving and eventually reached the 405 South. We were having so much fun talking to each other you didn’t pay attention to where we were and we probably ended up in Torrance or past it. We were like “Whoops” and decided we would just go to Santa Monica at exit 1A for 1 apples.  We got to Santa Monica with full bladders and empty stomachs. We finally found parking, and looked for the closest restroom. We tried to be sneaky and enter the Wyndham hotel restroom, but it required a keycard. We left in shame, and you kept making me laugh so hard I almost crapped my pants. Fortunately, the mall was nearby and after running around, we found a bathroom. Thank goodness I could save my pants for another day.  We walked around and decided what to eat. At some point, you were trying to be sneaky and hold my hand (you kind of went “boop”). Again, I thought “It doesn’t harm anyone, and if it makes him happy, then that’s good”. It was kind of nice though, and when we found a restaurant to eat at, there was an odd divider, and I didn’t let go of your hand. We saw a couple of woofers and you happily pet them along the way. 
We finally ate and we walked around Santa Monica and walked out to the beach. We talked and had some more fun. There was a lady with a metal detector going around on the beach, and a homeless person sleeping under some covers. We joked they were being naughty. At some point I was really tired and wanted to go home. When we were leaving the beach you stopped me and asked “I won’t ask this again, but is it ok if I kiss you?” I shook my head no again. But we kept holding hands and walked back to the car. I drove you back to K Town so you could meet your friend’s cousin. I didn’t think I would see you again as we said our farewells until we might cross paths again.  Little did I know you would win my heart. 
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xephyrion · 4 years
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2019
By the end of 2019, there was already a lot of change. Taking care of my sick dad was really tough. It was the major stressor of the year. Scrambling to get his legal affairs in order wasn’t very fun when I had no clue what he had or didn’t have, and especially when my mom was completely in the dark. 
I started a cybersecurity bootcamp and made some new friends. 
I broke up with my significant other of almost 5 years.
I started a lease on an apartment. 
I went to the Mojave and watched the Perseid’s meteor shower. 
I finally went to DEFCON!
I became an ordained minister lol.
I got my ham radio license.
I finally started my Master’s program.  
There was a lot I learned from this year; and I take it into 2020 with me. 
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xephyrion · 4 years
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04.03.20
Dear past me, Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Maybe I finally found the right person for me, but we'll see over time. I continued moving forward. I won't look back. I am OK now. I recognize that I made mistakes, and work towards not making them again. I recognize that I still have insecurities and issues to work through. I am responsible for my own happiness. I will find someone who will love me, cherish me, and appreciate me. I will find someone who shows they care about me. I will find someone who I approve of along with my friends and family. I will find someone who gets along with my favorite people. I will find someone whose actions and words will match up. I will find someone who will bring happiness to my life and I will feel attractive to. I will find someone who is worthy of my love and time. And if I don't, that's OK, too. As long as I am OK with myself. I won't look back, I'll keep moving forward. I'll keep going on. 大丈夫ですよ。 04.04.20
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xephyrion · 4 years
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It’s not your fault 05.03.19
Remember to love yourself and that no one else determines your worth but you. Don't place your happiness on someone else. Expect more. Have higher standards. Find someone who will love and cherish you, will show it and mean it. Find someone who will make that effort to show they care about you. Find someone who your family and friends approve of. Find someone who will get along with your favorite people. Find someone who will do more than just talk. Find someone who will work with you. Find someone who will make you happy and feel attractive. Find someone who is worthy of your love and time. Find someone else. I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry it hurts so much. But you deserve better. Remember that, you are worth so much more than you think. And remember to keep moving forward. Don't look back. 大丈夫. See you soon. Your past self. 05.03.19
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