xoxogossiplaur - Tumblr blog

xoxogossiplaur · 4 days

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Dementia is such a devastating disease. Fuck. Why did it have to be my mom. Why did have to be my grandmother. Why did have to be my uncle. Why does it have to be anyone.

#personal #fuck dementia

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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New challenge for christians:

Tell your friend/family member who's going through it "that fucking sucks, no one should have this much on their shoulders or I'm so sorry, I love you" instead of "god will never give you more than you can handle"

#personal #religious trauma #If i hear my aunt tell me the latter phrase one more time I'll tell her i don't believe in her god anymore and that will be one more proble

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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There were so many signs I would struggle/evolve/leave/search for something else when it came to the Christian faith I grew up in but I think the one of the funniest ones happened when I was in the ninth grade:

For context I went to christian schools all my life. I loved Christianity but it was always weirdly hard/painful to me in a way I suspected it wasn’t for my classmates. But Jesus was so interesting and kind and his teachings always kept me in the faith.

One day my Bible teacher decided to do something different with the prayer time portion of class and had us listen to Taylor swift’s “love story” before Easter. It had come out around that year and it was insanely popular. My teacher told us to write down the lyrics that stood out to us that could be applied to our relationship with God and we would talk about it after.

I was so serious about my faith. I took every single Bible class assignment seriously. I listened to Taylor’s song, wrote down lyrics that made me tear up when I put it in the context of god, and was excited to share.

When it was my turn, I said the lyrics that stuck out the most to me were “I got tired of waiting/wondering if you were ever coming around/my faith in you was fading/when I met you in the outskirts of town/and I said/romeo save me/I’ve been feeling so alone/I’ve been waiting/for you/but you’ve never come/is this in my head/I don’t know what to think…” and I earnestly talked about how faith can feel so hard for me and how much I wanted this to work out with god and how badly I wanted a good happy faith where I felt god show up for me and the world like he said he would.

And then my teacher looked me in the eyes and said “wow, you’re the first person in six classes to ever point those lyrics out” LMAO.

Anyways, went on to go to a Christian university and graduate with a minor in biblical studies and theology, worked for a chistian non profit and church while still struggling with everything…only to walk away officially because of how poorly and selfishly most American Christians handled the pandemic and have been listless and wandering in the spiritual abyss ever since.

It was hard and I’m doing so much better now. But damn. The signs were there all along. I wish I could hug that 14 year old and tell it never got easier and that feeling never fell away, but she would somehow find some friends who felt the exact same way.

#there are so many more examples #songs and movies I latched onto as a child #books and characters #there was no I could have ever ended up the Christian my parents tried to teach me to be #I’m ok now though #besides the spiritual drama ya know #personal #religious trauma

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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I can't control everything.

I hope most things will turn out ok.

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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I must keep reaching for the sun

#personal #I don't know what to do

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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California, forever

Instagram | Website

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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Hometown Diaries No. 1

I swore to myself I wouldn't move back to my hometown and yet here I am. My hometown is once again a labyrinth I am running through with no end in sight. Every time I think I see the light of my home in California at the end of the hall, another wall shoots up in front of me and I have to start from the beginning.

I left this town at 18 and now I'm back a few weeks after my 30th birthday and it feels like only a day has passed. I am fighting every day with my dad over his pride and arrogance. I take long meandering walks with the music in my headphones turned up too loud. My hometown is too cold, too dry, too flat and too hard to escape even once. It seems like everyone comes back here eventually. But once again I am the only one fighting my way out for good.

The only thing I have at 30 that I didn't have at 18 is a community waiting for me in California. I have a place I call home that feels like word actually means something. My heart is in California and it keeps reaching toward it with every day that passes. It whispers "soon, soon soon, soon, soon," during the day and it keeps me going, keeps me working to get to the place where I can leave. But at night my hometown wraps its fingers around my arms and whispers "never, never, never."

I will always keep reaching for my home.

#personal

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 months

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I release the expectations of my Christian family. My timeline is my own. My love is my own. My life is my own. I do not have to live in a way that pleases them to be worthy. I do not need to convince them that I am not a lost sheep. People pleasing never made me holy. My self sacrifice was always for them, not their god.

#personal #going back home is hard #even if it’s temporary

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xoxogossiplaur · 5 months

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Instagram | Website

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xoxogossiplaur · 1 year

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My sweet love, October 2022

#southern california #california #personal #shoot film #mine #stay broke shoot film #35mm #california dreaming #film photography #filmisnotdead #pacific ocean #long beach #ocean #socal #lbc #kodakfilm #kodak ultramax 400

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xoxogossiplaur · 1 year

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 years

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Freaky Friday (2003) dir. Mark Waters

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 years

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I know I mostly just share pictures on here, but I also write! Or am trying to! Writing is my first love and I’ve always been scared to publish/show other people my work, but I’m trying to get over it with a bi-weekly substack!

#southern california #my writing #Friday fever #substack #personal #creativity #amwriting #blogging

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xoxogossiplaur · 2 years

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