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yamadadzawa · 2 years

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hi! it’s nice to see your username on my ao3 feed again! i love the new story concept so far and am excited to see where it goes!

i was wondering if i could ask for a spoiler about rebel in the grey since we likely won’t be seeing anymore of it? i’m trans and trans aizawa is my fave headcanon and trans aizawa being a father to trans izuku is just my absolute fave so i was curious if you could explain a little about how you planned on having aizawa and izuku come out to one another and how aizawa helps izuku out with his transition while on the run? or just any related facts about the topic?

no worries if you don’t wanna spoil anything tho! just figured i’d ask since i was anticipating the reveal and fluff aksjsjs

thank you so much for all the hard work you do, and i’m glad you are taking care of yourself and putting yourself first!

Hello! Ahh that’s so sweet, thank you 🥺💛

You absolutely can ask for Rebel spoilers! As much as I’d like to finish that story out, I know it’s pretty unlikely. But I still have a lot of love for it and am more than happy to share.

So Aizawa finding out about Izuku being trans would happen more out of necessity than anything. Where the story left off, Hawks had told Inko that he’d figure something out for Izuku’s puberty blockers. That something ends up being the kind of dumb plan to steal them from the clinic where Izuku’s doctor works, since he’d be able to see Izuku’s files and get the right thing. The doctor ends up catching him, but it turns out she’s actually the sibling of one of the Aviary crew folks (the one whose quirk hides the door). So she ends up helping Hawks out, gives him the blockers, etc.

So as a part of establishing contact with Hawks and Inko, Aizawa finds out that Izuku is trans. By this point, Izuku absolutely trusts Aizawa, Tsukauchi, Dabi, and Jin enough that he’s not really worried about them reacting badly. He does kind of stumble over trying to explain, until he doesn’t have to, because Aizawa very gently tells him “You’re like me.”

Past that point, I honestly didn’t have any detailed ideas. Things like that tend to develop organically when I write. I know that for Aizawa, it would be a really special thing for him, to be able to give someone the same love and support that he got from his mom. I’m imagining that while Aizawa has met trans students before as a teacher at UA, this would be so different because of him being in a parental role. And while Izuku’s parental figures were already supportive, having someone who is like him in that role would give him that view of what his future can look like. I know for me, I feel a very special kind of way when I see older transmasc folks and think about what that means for me.

If I think of anything more for this, I’ll come back to this post to add it! This is what has come to mind for now. Thank you for asking and still connecting to a story that I haven’t done anything with for a while now! It does help me feel better about my decision to set stories aside to know that people can still enjoy them either way.

💛💛💛

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yamadadzawa · 2 years

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hi I’m back with yet another unprompted status update. I have created a series on my ao3 for unofficially discontinued fics. wips that probably aren’t going to continue, but it’s an unofficial discontinue because. well. you never know, I might feel the urge to go back to them someday.

list of fics in this category:

BNHA

Rebel in the Gray

Terminal Velocity

Anomalous Salvation

A Fragile Promise (completed one shot, originally was going to be a series)

Haikyuu

we will always find each other, even here (especially here)

Love is (a paradox)

yes I know those are my “major” bnha fics. yes I know rebel and tvel are the ones most people are interested in. and yes, I know that I said several times in comments and author’s notes that I wasn’t going to abandon them.

I’m still not abandoning them, they’re there in case I ever feel like writing them again. but I have had no genuine interest in them for over a year, and in addition to that they’re just…

my emotional connection to them has changed. they were started at a time when I had a different relationship to fandom and writing, and parts of that relationship were unhealthy for me. working on those wips is not appealing to me for many reasons, but reliving those emotions and that relationship is one of them.

I am still willing and happy to talk about these stories and what I had planned, y’all are still welcome to ask questions. I simply make no promises about ever continuing them.

#no I am not sorry about this bc it’s what I need and want to do with my own stories #I am sympathetic to any disappointment people may feel but beyond that nope #do what you need to keep yourself happy and healthy it’s hard sometimes but the more you do it the easier it gets and the better it feels #I know I’m on the right track here bc doing this feels liberating #I included this on the series page but an additional note: I do not give my permission for other people to continue or rewrite these fics

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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So my status update is this: I’m not currently in the mood to read or write bnha, save for maybe Horography and super maybe Try Different, Try Again.

I’m not marking anything as abandoned, because these wips still exist. They’re still there for me to come back to if I want to. I still love those stories, I still have them and keep them. They’re just not what I’m feeling right now, and I don’t know when I’ll feel like writing them again. It’s just simply not something worth stressing over anymore.

If you’re curious about anything I planned for any of my wips, and you don’t feel like waiting, you are more than welcome to ask! I will answer anything, and I’ll put spoilers under a read more, or make a tag for it.

I feel like talking about how my relationship to writing fanfiction has evolved lately, since it also kind of serves as a Status Update for my wips. If you’re mostly interested in the status update, I’m going to reblog this post with that part so it’s easy to get to. You are welcome to read or scroll past my rambling, choose your own adventure and all that.

Long post incoming.

A disclaimer up front: This is solely about my experience and what works for me. If you feel the exact opposite as me, if the exact opposite methods are best for you, I’m in no way saying that’s wrong. If any of this does feel like it could be helpful though, then I’m glad.

One of the most common pieces of advice for fanfic authors, for good reason, is to write for yourself first, not other people/an audience. There are tons of posts about the difficulties with that, and with the struggles of not letting ao3 stats become too embedded in your hobby and how/why you write.

And that advice definitely helped me. I think I started out with an okay mindset for me, where I was trying to write for myself and not let stats be my focus. And I definitely experienced some great moments of realizing that writing the things I like will naturally attract readers who like the same things, which obviously makes everything better. Having your cake and eating it too, that whole thing.

But I think the phrase that has completely changed my relationship to fanfic and my writing is:

Fanfiction is shared with you, but it is not written for you.

This is not like. A groundbreaking statement. It’s really not that far off from Write for yourself first.

But for some reason, this is what made things Click for me. This is what led to a shift in my mindset and how I feel about writing fanfic and my wips. I think it’s because it explicitly gives me permission to say “this is not for you, it is for me. This is not about you, it is about me.”

I still have some moments where I start to feel guilty for not updating the vast majority of my wips for quite a long time. We’re just past the 1 year mark for most of my bnha wips. Not that long ago, that thought filled me with pure dread.

Now? I shrug and move on. Because genuinely…so what?

They’re not going anywhere. If and when I’m in the mood to write them, then I can write them. I’m not marking any of them as abandoned, but I’m also setting no deadlines or expectations for myself.

My new “rules” or mantras or stances on this are basically:

When I want to write, I write.

What I want to write, I write.

If I want to start a new wip, then I do. It literally does not matter that I still have other unfinished projects.

When I update a fic, I am not going to apologize for the wait. I will thank people for sticking around.

I enjoy the fun numbers on the stats page if they make me happy. I celebrate big numbers or big wins, because it’s still exciting and fun! But they’re a bonus and not a necessity for me.

All of this is working for me because my pieces are genuinely for me. I want to see a certain story a certain way, so I write it. That way, I get to read it. If other people also enjoy it, that’s a nice bonus.

But I owe other people next to nothing in my writing, besides the obvious of basic respect when I engage with readers. I don’t owe anyone updates, or explanations or justifications for my choices.

It is MY writing. I share it because it’s fun to find readers who like the same things I do. But I’m not obligated to deal with anything that isn’t fun. This is for me, and y’all, it feels really damn good to unabashedly put myself first in this hobby.

If you’ve stuck around this long to read what I post, and/or you’re happy to continue sticking around, I’m glad you’re here 💛 stay tuned for the status update.

#long post #thoughts about fanfiction and writing

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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Long post incoming.

But I think the phrase that has completely changed my relationship to fanfic and my writing is:

Fanfiction is shared with you, but it is not written for you.

This is not like. A groundbreaking statement. It’s really not that far off from Write for yourself first.

Now? I shrug and move on. Because genuinely…so what?

My new “rules” or mantras or stances on this are basically:

When I want to write, I write.

What I want to write, I write.

If I want to start a new wip, then I do. It literally does not matter that I still have other unfinished projects.

When I update a fic, I am not going to apologize for the wait. I will thank people for sticking around.

I enjoy the fun numbers on the stats page if they make me happy. I celebrate big numbers or big wins, because it’s still exciting and fun! But they’re a bonus and not a necessity for me.

But I owe other people next to nothing in my writing, besides the obvious of basic respect when I engage with readers. I don’t owe anyone updates, or explanations or justifications for my choices.

If you’ve stuck around this long to read what I post, and/or you’re happy to continue sticking around, I’m glad you’re here 💛 stay tuned for the status update.

#long post #thoughts about fanfiction and writing

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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WHOA!!! WHOA WHOA WHOA!!! This is so damn COOL!!!!! Like! The MOVEMENT and the EYES and where the blur is vs. the focus I’m—

And his SMILE!

And the claws!!!!

Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!! For making and sharing this!!!!

Just started reading a villain?? Izuku fic and uhh yea

He has pwase and wings ::)

Very cute

#everyone shut up this the only thing I’m gonna talk about for the next week I cannot get over how cool this piece is #I am in literal awe your art is INCREDIBLE #just the way you do the posing and show the speed and movement is AMAZING #fanart of my fic #my fic: TVel

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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Enemies to lovers? -cas

CAS!!! 💛💛💛

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

It’s funny actually, this is a trope I used to actively avoid, I think because some stories I read previously just weren’t a good fit for me. But then my dive into Oikawa/Kageyama happened, and lately Sokka/Zuko, and here we are. I’ve read some really really incredible enemies to lovers stories with those ships that have cemented this as one of my favorite tropes when done in a way that fits for me.

#thank you for these!! 💛🥺

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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for you, my big bro! i provide the tropes for the tropes grading ask game thing!

aged up au

best friends to lovers

soulmates

Thank you dear!! Award for best younger sibling goes to you 💛🏆

Aged Up AU

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

So I started out giving this one a B, because I didn’t think of it as something I go looking for all the time, but then I realized that I do tend to read it a lot because I love college AUs for example, or in particular for bnha I love the trope of Izuku being deaged after they’re all older. That kind of thing.

Best Friends to Lovers

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

It feels strange to give this one a B, but it feels like that fits best. When I’n in the mood for reading shippy/romance focused fics then this is absolutely up there at the top, but it’s not always what I go looking for.

Soulmates

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

I would give this one an A+ if I could, this is one of my go-to tropes. Romantic, platonic, familial, all of them. I love the different approaches and tropes within this trope, and once again, given what I’ve written, it’s probably not surprising that I’m a huge fan of angst with a happy ending when it comes to soulmates.

#💛💛💛

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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for the fanfic trope thing: angst with a happy ending

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

This probably doesn’t come as too much of a surprise given what I write! I adore angst, but I do specifically love the happy ending afterwards. The hurt and then the comfort, the angst and then the resolution 👌

#thank you!

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something.

F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

#this could be fun!

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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It’s not bnha but I posted another ATLA fic and decided I’m sharing it here because I can. Part one of what will be a series of fics

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33275941

Summary:

Instead of speaking out against General Bujing at the fateful war meeting, Zuko stays silent. He does not speak, but he listens, and when it is over, Zuko does what he always will.

He protects his people, and faces the consequences.

#atla #not bnha #atla fic #my writing

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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I have acquired a boy!!!

(10 gal planted, heater & filter off to the left behind the mesh divider)

#my new boy!

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yamadadzawa · 3 years

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Rehab for writing injuries

You’ve heard of “making writing a habit,” and you’ve tried, but the pressure to write fills you with horrible pain and dread. You spend all your time wishing you could write but somehow never writing. The “make it a habit” approach doesn’t work for you. But you still want to write, maybe even regularly. Is there nothing you can do?

Here is an alternative approach to try. A rehab program, as it were, for writers with a psychological “writing injury” that has destroyed their desire to write and replaced it with shame, anxiety and dread.

If you have a writing injury, you probably acquired it by being cruel to yourself, by internalizing some intensely critical voice or set of rules that crushes your will to write under the boot-heel of “you should.” “You should be writing better after all the years of experience you’ve had.” “You should be writing more hours a day, you’ll never get published at this rate.” “You should write more like [Hilton Als/Jeffrey Eugenides/Octavia Butler/Terry Pratchett/etc.].” “You should write faster/more/better/etc./etc.”

You know what, though? Fuck all that. Self-abuse may have featured heavily in the cool twentieth-century writer’s lifestyle, but we are going to treat ourselves differently. Because 1) it’s nicer, and 2) frankly, it gets better results. My plan here is to help you take the radical step of caring for yourself.

1) First of all: ask yourself why you aren’t writing.

Not with the goal of fixing the problem, but…just to understand. For a moment, dial down all of the “goddammit, why can’t I just write?” blaring in your head and be curious about yourself. Clearly, you have a reason for not writing. Humans don’t do anything for no reason. Try to discover what it is. And be compassionate; don’t reject anything you discover as “not a good enough excuse.” Your reasons are your reasons.

For me, writing was painful because I wanted it to solve all my problems. I wanted it to make me happy and whole. I hated myself and hoped writing would transform me into a totally different person. When it failed to do that, as it always did, I felt like shit.

Maybe writing hurts because you’ve loaded it with similarly unfair expectations. Or maybe you’re a victim of low expectations. Maybe people have told you you’re stupid or untalented or not fluent enough in the language you write in. Maybe writing has become associated with painful events in your life. Maybe you’ve just been forced to write so many times that you can no longer write without feeling like someone’s making you do it. Writing-related pain and anxiety can come from so many different places.

2) Once you have some idea of why you’re not writing…just sit with that.

Don’t go into problem-solving mode. Just nod to yourself and say, “yes, that’s a good reason. If I were me, I wouldn’t want to write either.” Have some sympathy for yourself and the pain you’re in.

3) Now…keep sitting with it. That’s it, for the moment. No clever solutions. Just sympathize. And, most importantly, grant yourself permission to not write, for a while.

It’s okay. You are good and valuable and worthy of love, even when you aren’t writing. There are still beautiful, true things inside of you.

Here’s the thing: it’s very hard for humans to do things if they don’t have permission not to do them. It’s especially hard if those things are also painful. We hate feeling trapped or compelled, and we hate having our feelings disregarded. It shuts us down in every possible way. You will feel more desire to write, therefore, if you believe you are free not to write, and if you believe it’s okay not to do what causes you pain.

(By the way: not having permission isn’t the same as knowing there will be negative consequences. “If I don’t write, I won’t make my deadline” is different from “I’m not allowed not to write, even if it hurts.” One is just awareness of cause and effect; the other is a kind of slavery.)

4) For at least a week, take an enforced vacation from writing, and from any demands that you write. During this time, you are not permitted to write or give yourself grief for not writing.

This may or may not be reverse psychology. But it’s more than that.

Think of it as a period of convalescence. You’re keeping your weight off an injury so it can heal, and what’s broken is your desire to write. Pitilessly forcing yourself to write when it’s painful, plus the shame you feel when you don’t write, is what broke that desire. So, for a week (or a month, or a year, or however long you need) tell yourself you are taking a doctor-prescribed break from writing.

This will feel scary for some folks. You might feel like you’re giving up. You might worry that this break from writing feels too good, that your desire to write might never return. All I can say is, I’ve been there. I’ve had all those fears and feelings. And the desire to write did return. But you gotta treat it like a tiny crocus shoot and not stomp on it the second it pokes its little head up. Like so:

5) Once you feel an itch to write again—once you start to chafe against the doctor’s orders—you can write a tiny bit. Only five or ten minutes a day.

That’s it. I’m serious: set a timer, and stop writing when the time’s up. No cheating. (Well…maybe you can take an extra minute to finish your thought, if necessary.)

Remember: these rules are not like the old rules, the ones that said, “you must write or you suck.” These rules are a form of self-care. You are not imposing a cruel, arbitrary law, you are being gentle with yourself. Not “easy” or “soft”—any Olympic athlete will tell you that hard exercise when you’ve got an injury is stupid and pointless, not tough or virtuous. If you need an excuse to take care of yourself, that’s it: if you’re injured, you can’t perform well, and aggravating the injury could take you out of the competition permanently.

For the first few days, all of the writing you do should be freewriting. Later, you can do some tiny writing exercises. Don’t jump into an old project you stalled out on. Think small and exploratory, not big and goal-oriented. And whatever you do, don’t judge the output. If you have to, don’t even read what you write. This is exercise, not performance; this is you stretching your atrophied writing muscles, not you trying to write something good. At this stage, it literally doesn’t matter what you write, as long as you generate words. (Frankly, it would be kind of weird and unfair if your writing at this point was good.)

6) After a week, you can increase your time limit if you want. But only a little!

Spend a week limiting yourself to, say, twenty minutes a day instead of ten. When in doubt, set your limit for less than you think you’ll need. You want to end each writing session feeling like you could keep going, not like you’re crawling across the finish line.

Should you write every day? That’s up to you. Some people will find it helpful to put writing on their calendar at the same time each day. Others will be horribly stifled by that. You get to decide when and how often you write, but two things: 1) think about what you, personally, need when you make that decision, and 2) allow that decision to be flexible.

Remember, the only rule is, don’t go over your daily limit. You always have permission to write less.

And keep checking in with yourself. Remember how this program began? If something hurts, if your brain is sending you “I don’t wanna” signals, respect them. Investigate them, find out what their deal is. You might decide to (gently) encourage yourself to write in spite of them, but don’t ignore your pain. You are an athlete, and athletes listen to their bodies, especially when they’re recovering from an injury. If writing feels shitty one day, give yourself a reward for doing it. If working on a particular project ties your brain in knots, do a little freewriting to loosen up. And always be willing to take a break. You always have permission not to write.

7) Slowly increase your limit over time, but always have a limit.

And when you’re not writing, you’re not writing. You don’t get to berate yourself for not writing. If you find yourself regularly blazing past your limit, then increase your limit, but don’t set large aspirational limits in an effort to make yourself write more. In fact, be ready to adjust your limit lower.

When it comes to mental labor, after all, more is not always better. Apparently, the average human brain can only concentrate for about 45 minutes at a time, and it only has about four or so high-quality 45-minute sessions a day in it. That’s three hours. So if you set your daily limit for more than three hours, you may be working at reduced efficiency, when you’d be better off saving up your ideas and motivation for the next day. (Plus, health and other factors may in fact give you less than 3 good hours a day. That’s okay!)

Of course, if you’re a professional writer or a student, external pressures may force you to write when your brain is tired, but my point is more about attitude: constant work is not necessarily better work. So don’t make it into a moral ideal. We tend to think that working less is morally weak or wrong, and that’s bullshit. Taking care of yourself is practical. Pushing yourself too hard will just hurt you and your writing. Also, your feelings are real and they matter. If you ignore or abuse them, you’ll be like a runner trying to run on a broken ankle.

I know I’m going to get someone who says, “if you’re a pro, sometimes you gotta ignore your feelings and just get the work done!”

NO.

You can, of course, choose to work in spite of any pain you’re feeling. But ignore that pain at your peril. Instead, acknowledge the pain and be compassionate. Forgive yourself if pain slows you down. You are human, so don’t hold your feet to the fire for having human limitations. Maybe a deadline is forcing you to work anyway. But make yourself a cup of hot chocolate to get you through it, literally or metaphorically. Help yourself, don’t force yourself. If you’ve had a serious writing injury, that shift in attitude will make all the difference.

In short: treat yourself as someone whose feelings matter.

Try it out! And let me know how it goes!

Ask a question or send me feedback!

#wow wow wow okay!#so uh. now that I’ve started writing again after a long break #I am realizing how helpful these steps would’ve been prior to this #bc that bit at the beginning is where I was at. for a while there writing genuinely filled me with dread and made me miserable #and when I think about my old wips that dread builds back up #so I know I’m not ready for those yet #gonna just. find a way to adapt this process to where I’m at now bc I think it’ll help

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