yaoyuandaydream

[yaoyuandaydream]

there's a wildfire in your eyes every time you look at me we were never a forest but what's left is ash, all taste the same

not long ago, blood under your nails and daggers in every syllable always testing my waters as if i was ever an ocean compared to you

now there is sun-warm soil sleeping in your fingerbeds i know youth tries to kill the hope in us but you were a galaxy collapsing and i didn't know how to save you without drowning myself

we could be better, give a few years wait for something to bloom away from here you'll learn the weight of gentleness in your palms enough so you don't need to look at me anymore

// am i still worthy of forgiveness?

#poetry #spilled ink #poem #mywriting #this is about a comic book character #but also about siblinghood #but also about a conversation with my reflection #gods. i missed the feeling of words bubbling up in my throat

[yaoyuandaydream]

grief is so funny like here is a bruise that will fade but never really disappear, here is a photo that will never ever capture the joy of the moment yet will be all i ever have left, here is a familiar brand of crackers you reach for on the shelf only to realize there's really no reason to buy it anymore because no one else actually likes them, here is a poem i don't know how to finish just like the conversations i never knew how to start because i was too worried about fucking up the pronunciations, here is a piece of you that will never truly leave and thank gods it won't thank gods it won't

#thoughts #i hate taking pictures of people including myself but #now i wish i did it more

[yaoyuandaydream]

there's a fifteen hour time difference, and her phone was on do not disturb. not that picking up right away would have changed anything. what's gone has already been leaving, a dinner table an ocean away, tired eyes slowly drifting away and names gradually slipping out of the grasp of wrinkled hands, rough from decades of putting food on the table.

last summer, i sat next to ah-ma in her wheelchair and helped her cut sashimi into smaller pieces. she used to take her bike out every day and bring back chelunbing for us. i swear up and down nothing else will ever taste as good. she always said it was a secret where she bought them from. they probably closed down years ago, but i guess i'll never know now.

we piled into the taxi while ah-ma was taking her afternoon nap. my ma's eyes were red, but i politely pretended not to notice. i didn't ask why she didn't wake her. it's easier this way, because it's a twelve hour flight and at least twelve months before she could return. it's easier this way, because the relief when ah-ma said our names correctly was too sharp, serrated on the edge of not knowing if she will remember the next time.

there's a fifteen hour time difference, and the funeral is in two weeks. what's gone will never return with sweets in her basket, but the warmth of her palms linger.

#thoughts #mywriting #poem #woke up to news that grandma passed and y'know *jazz hands* processing grief #sometimes being diaspora is always feeling like you're losing time #i hope wherever she is now that she has a bike and can go wherever she wants whenever she wants #i also feel really bad for my ma because her family has never been very good at phone conversations #so each visit is really important but also really heartbreaking when we have to say goodbye #and now she didn't even get to say goodbye

[yaoyuandaydream]

I wanna be soft with someone and not regret it after

#reblogs

[yaoyuandaydream]

i lay my head on your knees if i weep while your eyes are closed maybe we can both pretend rain in the summer gentle lullabies slipping through the cracks i miss you so much i miss you so much

#poetry #spilled ink #free verse #mywriting #poem

[yaoyuandaydream]

Leila Chatti, from "Postcard from Gone"

#reblogs

[yaoyuandaydream]

you said the way i look at you brings you to your knees; you touch me and i am brought to tears at the reminder that such tenderness can exist in a world like this

#snippets of poetry #thoughts #poem #mywriting

[yaoyuandaydream]

i wish i knew how to speak of my sadness without turning it into a poem

#something something negative emotions more palatable as something to be consumed #i don't wanna throw myself a pity party so i try to project onto fictional characters instead #convoluted way of getting attention huh #thoughts

[yaoyuandaydream]

the temperature of your wounds the same as the tears on your cheeks; i'd let you hide in the hollow of my collarbones, but only if you promise to look me in the eyes and say, i deserve softness, i deserve better than this.

#spilled ink #mywriting #prose #snippets of poetry #thinking about the word 溫度

[yaoyuandaydream]

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

#<3 #reblogs

[yaoyuandaydream]

i brewed some tea from the box you gave me the last time you landed on this side of the ocean. there was just enough hot water for one person.

(it kind of tasted like april, walking home in the drizzle. you asked me why i avoided all the cracks in the sidewalk, and then hooked your arm in mine, so we could avoid them together. i had never wished i lived further. but i woke up this morning and for a moment, i couldn't remember the shape of your mouth around my name.)

i'm learning how to be okay with myself again.

(you don't look my way anymore. sometimes, in the lull between a joke and a confession, i catch myself looking your way. but the sun sets earlier now, and i get cold too easily. don't offer to walk me home. i don't know how to get over this lump in my throat, where my right hand wants to lock the door behind me and my left hand wants to pull you inside.)

i have plans on the weekends, and i'm writing again.

i'm doing okay. i hope you are, too.

// this letter has no valid address.

[yaoyuandaydream]

maybe i am always learning new ways to love myself

[yaoyuandaydream]

i keep looking for you in every reflection, trying to see where the shape of my nose or the line of my jaw matches up, trying to understand why you would say the things you say, dinner going cold on the table.

i don't want to grow up so fast. you make me feel so tired sometimes. but all the time, i feel guilty. you don't want me to grow up and you don't want me to stay naive.

everyone gives advice, like, don't live with your parents in your twenties. sometimes it's healthier to love from a distance. but the housing market is a cesspool and i can't stop myself from straying too far from my phone sometimes because i've seen the news, i'm afraid of what happens to asian elders on the streets these days. i'm not ready to walk away from you. but sometimes i can't breathe when i'm with you.

i catch myself acting passive-aggressively, and it aches like a kick in the gut. you've taught me your bad habits and i hate it. but i wash the dishes right after i eat and i text when i'm going to be late because you've raised me well. you've raised me well. even if sometimes i feel like shit about it.

some nights i sit in my bedroom, some twenty feet away from yours, and i feel so homesick. i wish we were better at saying i love you. but i don't think my heart would be able to take it if we were.

#poetry #spilled ink #mywriting #family hard #just finished a longfic on family trauma and communication and like. damn. #cathartic but damn

[yaoyuandaydream]

i don't want to be here most of the time i don't want to count on someone else to make me feel more than i am i just wish i knew how to be enough for myself

#poetry #spilled ink #it's that kinda night huh!!!!! #i'm feeling really anxious i'm not really sure what to do about it

[yaoyuandaydream]

Ama Codjoe, from "The Bluest Nude" [ID'd]

#reblogs

[yaoyuandaydream]

you are the heat derived from ice cubes, fleeting, something i am still trying to convince myself i didn't imagine

#thoughts #snippets of poetry #mywriting

[yaoyuandaydream]

i wish i was more and i wish i was less, but mostly now i wish i was happy with what i am

#thoughts #anyway event is finally over my feet Hurts but our last program was hella hype #almost a full house too i am crying tears of relief #we'll figure out the m@rketing thing eventually