yellowsassyintj-blog

[yellowsassyintj-blog]

…so, what happened?

Hi.

Almost 3 years have gone by since my first (and only) post in this blog.

I'm in my fourth year of college now.

I accidentally just found this again tonight. I literally forgot about it.

So... I've read my previous post about expectations and such.

Cringe, by the way. But I laughed a little.

Just an update about my college life first: I shifted to business.

Yup, I did not continue accounting after I shifted there during the first semester of my second year in college.

I... got depressed. My self-confidence burned to the ground.

I couldn't bring myself to study AT ALL.

Hated every lesson and every class.

I only lasted for a semester. How pathetic and indecisive is that?

Yea, yea. I'm probably just bringing myself down right now.

I'm not exactly over that yet.

And then the pandemic happened.

As I was saying, I transferred to business during the second semester of my second year. And that semester was my last in school.

I mean, in person.

Because everything went online after our second year.

I will miss my one year with my dorm roommate, J.

She's a really great person to be around with. I learned a lot and experienced how to live with her as a confidant.

All those grocery trips and late-night dinner slash movie hangouts.

I felt like a real college student then and there.

So back to my story (this is messy, huh).

It was during our second year's School Fair.

I invited all my online discord friends to hang out together.

I tried looking good and dressed myself up. Now, I know I failed.

So a month after that reunion, discord hangouts became an everyday thing for all of us. Possibly, because we don't have anything else in a completely online setting.

I experienced having a mutual romantic thing for the first time.

Also experienced having a rough end with friends for the first time.

I had many ends with friends before. Just not like this.

I bared myself so much that other people came to see all my vulnerabilities and personality issues.

I guess when you live all your life bottling everything up and not allowing a single person to see anything wrong with you, there will come a time when everything is just messily thrown out whether you like it or not.

It was pretty ugly. Me, back then.

I was too turbulent (ahem, blog name) and emotionally destructive.

It was majorly my fault for not handling myself better.

Anchoring your happiness on another person is like life poison.

"I can't be happy without them"

Too self-destructive.

Seven months later, I'm still in the same position.

Depending on others' kindness to survive my life.

Maybe because I hated my life.

I chickened out on a lot of things. Mostly, college.

I felt like I only made bad choices from there.

But does it really matter now?

All my past choices and mistakes.

I feel like I had lower expectations before and I was more confident about the future back then.

What now?

Is numbing myself through sleeping going to help?

No, obviously no.

I want to start again.

I want to try again.

#college #last year #graduating life #graduation

[yellowsassyintj-blog]

A day before my college midyear

I have been wanting to start a blog ever since I've stepped inside my college univ, but sadly I wasn't able to start it until now (i got so busy and dying and crying all throughout my first semester then i worked myself like a dog the next semester to make up for that)

My first college year in UP Diliman has been a confusing journey. Confusing bcuz it is not as fun as I thought it would be nor as hard as I thought it would be

Well, my INFJ close friend told me to enjoy college while I can bcuz, according to her, I will miss it when I start to work

It's just... uh... another four years

I dunno... Let's see what can the next three years bring to me

So yea, let me share with you my version of expectations vs reality in MY first year of college

Expectation #1

- I watched too many college kdramas and i thought it would be like drinking + cramming + dating + more cramming all-year round and that the quiet types prevail in the battle of grades over the loud, partying ones

BTW my favorite drama is Cheese in the Trap (Jung and I have same external personality except for the overachiever part)

- so i played the quiet role in class, thinking that is how i will perform the best (NO IT IS NOT)

Reality #1

- YOU MUST BE ASSERTIVE AF IN ORDER TO GET GOOD GRADES HERE, PEOPLE.

- The quiet ones (unless you are God level in acads) do not project good impressions on their peers, especially profs

- Ask the prof, talk to the prof like you mean it even if you don't

- Be sociable like your grades depends on it because it fucking does

Expectation #2

- i thought I would start looking and acting more like my gender in college

- i wore dresses, skirts, nice clothes

- i had TWO main crushes from my PE table tennis class and several minor ones that i don't talk to

- i never had a relationship before and i thought college would be the perfect time

Reality #2

- bitch pls you actually thought that

- i'll possibly die single or hello thirties still virgin (i'm a perverted girl but i'll vomit the moment somebody dares to touch me)

- and no, don't wear nice clothes, wear the comfortable ones

- FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE, IT RAINED LIKE HELL WAS POURING FROM THE CITY SKY ON OUR WAY TO MATH BLDG WHICH WE DO'NT FUCKING KNOW WHERE

- it's either too cold (i always borrow my BA 99.2 prof's air con remote every time we have a class because it's secretly a refrigerator, not just an air conditioned room) or TOO HOT

- i give up, i'll stay loving a 2D guy forever, i won't sign up for any romantic relationshit so it doesn't matter how i dress and all that flirting bullshit, GOODBYE

Expectation #3

- you thought your future was clear and carefully planned out? oh boi run RUN

- i was planning to take accounting, business, or economics... maybe become a lawyer if i want to continue afterwards

- i would love it no matter where i am bcuz there's money everywhere

Reality #3

- I. WANT. TO. SHIFT. NOW.

- there is money and boredom in accounting, yes

- and economics is like math + business in one so sign me the fuck out

- so business it is

- BUT DANG IT'S STRESSFUL TO SHIFT MY LORD HELP YOUR POOR LOST CHILD

- and my parents and friends obviously think accounting is better than any other choices i might have (which i also think is true)

- but i realized i am having so much fun when searching up psychology and language

- fine, i'll do accounting while studying both of my interests!!! no one can stop me except my health

I had a lot more to say but I really need to sleep now (it's 3:01 AM and i hate my sleeping routine)

All in all, a greatly confusing year it is indeed and there are three more hell of it to come

#college #freshman #summer #mbti