yiliawolf

[yiliawolf]

I am at a loss.

I am no stranger to death and it’s cold pitiless work. I know it is as much a part of life as anything else. This does not mean I have to like it.

In the evening hours last night we received a phone call from the hospital that my sister in law had passed away.

She had been fighting cancer for over a year now, and recently it had begun fighting back really hard. She was struggling to breathe and in so much pain. She had been admitted to the hospital and was on oxygen but it want enough. They drained so much fluid out of her lungs and from around her heart. She was doing better after that. Happy, joking, smiling. And then she was gone. Just like that. Here one moment, and gone the next. We were planning to visit her today…

I’m not sure how her boys are taking the news. They hadn’t really been handling her being sick very well… they’re still so young. Pre-teens and young teens…

I am angry that she’s gone. It’s not fair. People aren’t supposed to die in their forties from cancer. They’re supposed to get old and weird. They’re supposed to see their kids bring home questionable girlfriends and console them when they break up. They’re supposed to help them pick out a suit for prom. To be there on their wedding day… to be there for their birthdays…

I’m not sure how her husband is dealing right now. We were all so hopeful. Things are looking better. She was doing so good.

He works long unpredictable hours as an electrician. His boys will have to be more independent now, and that is a shitty necessity. I had to grow up fast at home. I had so many chores and responsibilities at a young age. I always loved that her boys had more time to be kids… they will have to pull together and help each other out with chores and stuff. It’s not going to be an easy task, and they will likely resent it.

I feel utterly useless.

No words I can offer will heal them.

No words I can say will make the loss they feel disappear.

All I can think of is to make them a casserole… that’s what my mom would have done.

[yiliawolf]

I am completely overwhelmed by the absolute ridiculous amount of love I have for my child. You just look into their sweet little face and think to yourself “I’d commit a felony for you”.

[yiliawolf]

My first time going to Pride Toronto! It was such a party! It was also hot as balls 🤣 So many great floats and people marching in the parade. I will have to say my favourite was the Free Mom Hugs. I got hugs from four different women and I cried. One of them told me “you are seen. You are loved. You are valid.” If my own mother was as supportive as these beautiful strangers, what I different person I would be.

[yiliawolf]

Went and visited my sister the other day. She’s the only person I’ve told that I might be trans. When I arrived at her place and came in, she announced me as her kid’s favourite uncle and honestly it made my heart so happy ❤️

#trans

[yiliawolf]

[yiliawolf]

I want one of these soooooo bad. It would take my drag to the next level! 😫

#davey blue #trans #drag #drag king

[yiliawolf]

On todays episode of I might actually be trans:

This is the second time someone close to me has gotten approval for top surgery and I am jealous. I… don’t think I realized what I was feeling the first time it happened? But this time, I for sure knew it was a little twinge of jealousy.

Will I ever look into getting it done? Maybe. Will I find a better, more comfortable binder to wear more often? Yes. Yes I will.

#davey blue #trans #maybe idk

[yiliawolf]

Went to a celebration of life today. There was so little feeling in the “goodbye” speeches, it was embarrassing. It just got me to thinking about my own inevitable passing.

I don’t want a funeral. I don’t want everyone to see my uninhabited meat sack get buried or cremated. That shit is too damn sad. No. I want a party.

I want it to be crazy. I want the furries there. I want the nerds there. I want the drag queens and kings to be there. I want there to be good food and good drink and even better music. I want people to laugh and tell funny stories about me. I want it to be truly a celebration of life. I don’t want sad speeches. I don’t want a sad slide show of my life playing out on the wall. I want dumb videos playing. Like when I rode the plasma car in toys r us and they locked them up next time 🤣 I want a party. I want it to be amazing.

#funeral #when I’m dead #party time

[yiliawolf]

Feeling pretty butch today. So good in fact that I almost put on my binder to wear under my dress shirt. I’ve got my boxers on and feel just so good in my body today. It’s a rare moment and I am going to enjoy the fuck out of it.

[yiliawolf]

reblog to give the person youre reblogging from a big strong hearty platonic masculine brotherly man hug

[yiliawolf]

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am allowed to have butter and peanut butter on the same bread. Food insecurity fucks you up man…

[yiliawolf]

So on todays episode of “I might be more trans than just genderfluid”, I noticed I’m getting a bit of a moustache, and instead of thinking about how to get rid of it, I ran my fingers over it and was like “nice”.

Maybe I need to talk to a therapist.

[yiliawolf]

Looking at my parents and thinking to myself: “where does my nuerospicy come from?”

Well, let’s look at the things my parents do that they don’t think are signs.

Mom:

Has to do things in a specific manner, EVERY SINGLE TIME she does the thing.

Doesn’t like to change her schedule.

Has to plan every single detail and back up plan in case the plan doesn’t work.

Cut her hair short for sensory issues (but doesn’t see that it was for sensory issues)

Textures. Especially in clothing.

Dad:

Dad I think is really just a big kid. He didn’t have a lot of love or affection growing up and sometimes it shows. He is desperate for validation and for someone to appreciate him. This I don’t think is nuerospicy, but it has led to some of his own personal struggles.

In short, I think my parents would both benefit from an actual therapist. Not a church counseling session, but an actual therapist.

#why am I like this #this is why #thanks mom

[yiliawolf]

I want to share a story.

It’s a personal story, that I’m not really supposed to know.

When I was born, I was not a healthy baby. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck so badly that I was blue when I came out. I was unresponsive to light and sound. I made no noise, not crying, nothing. I barely moved. The doctors were convinced I was mostly brain dead, deaf, blind, and most likely mute. In short, I would be a lot of work, for the foreseeable future, if I lived. They even suggested to my mom that she not take me home, but give me up.

She did not. My mom, if nothing else is a stubborn woman. She cried and asked god for a sign. She says a dove landed on the window then, and so she decided that this little baby would come home with them. It was sign that I was gift from god.

Dad was not as quick to accept this. He was angry, disappointed, and upset. He and Mom got into a big fight (I believe it was a few weeks after I came home) about me. I wasn’t doing anything. I was basically a vegetable baby, not kicking or squirming or anything. He was convinced that the doctors were right, and I was going to be that way forever. He was ready to leave Mom and me. He would take my sister and leave. Mom got so mad at him, told him I was his baby too and pushed me into his arms. This was the first time I actually looked at someone. Right into his eyes and locked on. He cried. He cried so much.

He never forgave himself for almost leaving. I knew growing up that I was “the favourite”, even though I didn’t know why for a long time. When Mom told me the story it made sense.

None of my siblings know this story. I’m not sure if I should tell them? I’m pretty sure Dad is still ashamed of it. I can’t hold it in forever though, so I am writing here, on the internet where people may or may not read it.

(Oh, thanks to a nurse friend of my Mom’s, she did a lot of physio and speech therapy and stuff with me at home, so I actually turned out mostly good)

#family secrets

[yiliawolf]

Wow. I’ve been gone for a long time.

So much has happened. I’m pregnant. Which is something that was so shocking and unexpected I ugly cried when it happened. I’m almost to the due date now, with only one more week of work before being off on leave.

I honestly think people don’t talk about the ugly side of pregnancy enough. Everyone talks about how beautiful and magical and wonderful it is. It is not. The baby is beautiful and wonderful and magical. The pregnancy is hell. I have had nausea for this entire time. I have headaches and shortness of breath because my organs are no longer in the same place as baby squashed them. My hips feel like they belong to a cheap Barbie doll in that they feel so loose that I’m afraid my legs will pop right off. My feet have begun swelling and holding water, which is fantastic as I have to stand all day at work. My back hurts because baby is heavy and boobs are heavy. It spasms sometimes if I reach for something forgetting that I now have the flexibility of a wooden spoon. I’m gassy, and my body keeps yo-yo-I get between being ridiculously constipated or having explosive diarrhea. And no sleep. Nothing is comfortable. Have to sleep on my side with a pillow under the belly and a pillow between my knees and I still get knee pain and hip pain and feel like my chest is being compressed because my boobs are at least double the size they were. I get an hour here and there at best. “Just wait until baby gets here” they say. I know I won’t sleep for that because baby will be awake, but I will be able to sleep on my belly again if I want. The best part? I’m having an “easy normal pregnancy”. I feel so sorry for all you uterus havers who have not had it as easy as I have.

As much as I would love to have a sibling for my little one, babies are expensive and I hate being pregnant. Not doing this again. Nope. Not interested.

Anyway, I’m writing this with maybe a collective 3 hours of sleep? Going to go get dressed and pretend I’m a functional adult.

[yiliawolf]

Tried to do a Pride makeup look tonight. Got about halfway and didn’t love it, but kept going. Finished it and really didn’t like it.

The fuck is wrong with me? I’m so uninspired and when I do try to do something it’s stupid and awful.

Fuck.

[yiliawolf]

These cute little beans are in my Etsy shop!

https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/PaleProductions

The proceeds from the sale of each Yeet the Teet Hyena will go to funding my joyfriend’s top surgery!

#furry #furry art #hyena #yeet the teet #top surgery #trans #nonbinary #lgtbqia+ #lgtbq #support trans people