ymsliwy

[ymsliwy]

[ymsliwy]

Neglect - part one

Ran x fem!reader

Summary: Reader feels neglected by Ran

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Angst

Notes: English is not my first language, so im sorry for grammar mistakes

Ran didn’t make it home very often. Usually after work in Bonten he slept over at Rindous when it got late, because he lived closer to the Headquarters. So y/n didn’t even get to see him when she randomly wakes up at night, nor does she see him when she wakes up in the morning. But that was rarely the case anyway, because he got up pretty early.

In the beginning Ran tried to always come home in the evening so they could at least see each other an hour or more before they went to bed. He also always tried to keep the weekends free for her. But time went by and he started to come home later than he usually would, until he didn’t come home at all. And the weekends he spent sleeping or working, beating up and killing people.

Y/n did understand that it wasn’t his fault, that he couldn’t be at home all the time and that was his job keeping him away, and not him. She knew that when they started dating, she knew what she would get herself into, but she thought it would be worth it. she loved him, that’s why she stayed.

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[ymsliwy]

Should we try again?-Part 4

Ran x fem!Reader

Genre: Angst to fluff

Warnings: mentions of depression, angst

Notes: English is not my first language, so I am really sorry for grammar mistakes

  “What do you say, do you trust me enough to try it again with me. I promise that I will talk things out with you, I promise that I will be there with you as good as I can.

So, will you try it again… with me?”

Y/n was overwhelmed, never had she thought that their story would turn out like this, never had she thought about the possibility that he had still loved her all that time and that the problem wasn’t her at all.

It changed everything. Every decision she had made, every upsetting and destroying feeling she had felt during the time he wasn’t present, all those years in pain without him, based on nothing but a scenario she had made up in her head.

Ran was right, she couldn’t have noticed, he wasn’t there, for her to notice. He didn’t talk to her, nor did he showed her himself for her to figure him out. And Y/n didn’t sense the possibility of him fighting with himself, too convinced by the thought that he doesn’t love her.

She looked him in the eyes, those lilac eyes, eyes that she tried to forget so desperately, eyes that she didn’t dare to think about, eyes that now were nothing but vulnerable full of truth and fear, fear of losing her, again.

Her answer was barely a whisper, brought into this cold world, almost swallowed by the raindrops falling from the sky.

But he heard it, in his head her word was loud and clear. All his thoughts came to a halt, his heartbeat fell back from rapidly banging against his ribcage to a soft rhythm calming his blood rush. How a simple yes could bring peace to the tension he had felt all those years without her.

How a simple yes could change the live of two people completely.

“Say it again,” he said. “Yes.” y/n said with a half-smile starting to appear on her lips. “Say it once more.” He begged. “Yes, Ran, I wanna try it again.” y/n smiled lovingly at him. Ran grabbed her face and smashed his lips against hers, desperately kissing her. Their tastebuds exploded from tasting each other again after all those years of distance. They drank each other in like lost ones would do when they spent days in the desert without even a hope for water.

They pulled away, to catch some breath, but only an inch. Their noses brushing, their rapid breath tickling each other’s lips. Both smiling happily, to finally being where they belonged from the beginning.

They locked eyes, shimmering with love, adoration, and endless happiness. “I have missed you.” he whispered. y/n smiled while she looked away, now shy because of his intense stare. “I missed you too, every day.” He kissed her again, this time the kiss was deep, passionate and slow. When he pulled away y/n was dazed, her lips chasing his. He laughed, “so desperate for me already.” “Shut up.” she laughed hitting his chest.

“Let’s go inside, or you’ll catch a cold.” He said, looking at her completely drenched form. “I don’t have my key.” “Then into my car.” Y/n opened the door to get into his car, but the door was locked. She looked at him confused and he was already starring at her. “Sorry, babes but there is no way the wet clothes are touching the inside of my bab- eh car.” Y/n sighed and rolled her eyes. He mentioned her to come to his trunk. In the trunk were many guns and weapons, also garbage bags. She didn’t want to think about why he had those. She put her coat off and gave it to him, so he could put it in a bag, then he started to undress, first his coat, then he opened his blazer and his shirt. Where y/n had a good view on his defined abs and the thin hairline following to his lower regi- “stop eye fucking me.” He interrupted her thoughts. He had his shit eating grin on his face. y/n rolled her eyes turning around so he couldn’t see her grinning to herself. “It was a joke, you can look at me its not like you haven’t seen or tasted those- ouch, why are you hitting me.” “Stop talking and undress I am freezing.”

When they were both seated in the car, Ran gave her some of his spare clothes to wear and put on the heater. The drive was quiet. Thoughts of what had happened finally settling. They still couldn’t believe what happened. A feeling of fear was settling into Y/ns mind, a fear of falling. She hadn’t seen Ran for so long, only an hour ago she had tried to forget him, and now she had kissed him and was already joking around with him, it felt unreal, she was afraid, that they would take it too fast and that they would fall apart again. At a traffic light. Y/n quietly spoke while looking out of the window. “Ran?” “Yes.” “I didn’t change my mind just so you know, I wanna try us again, I wanna be with you. But only an hour ago I was trying to get you out of my mind and now we already kissed each other, I am afraid that we are going too fast, I don’t want us to overdo things, you know I don’t wanna lose you again, and- “ “shh, he laid his hand on her leg- “I know what you mean, and don’t worry we will do it just at the pace that is comfortable for us, this time it will work out for us.”

He said that with so much trust and believe in his words that y/n calmed down, Ran had a comforting side on him a side that he didn’t show that often. Looking out the window she started noticing the familiar streets, it was the part of the town where Rindou lived. “Ran.” “Yes?” he questioned a little concerned. “Can- can you take me home, maybe. I, I think I need to be alone right now, just to adjust to everything that had happened today.” Ran hesitated, “Yeah, of course, I understand- but honestly, he didn’t want to be apart from her right now, after all this time that had passed, without her by his side, he just didn’t want to let her go again. He also was insecure that she might change her mind about him, he couldn’t bare losing her again. – but you don’t have your keys.” “ah yeah, but I know where they are.”

Then it hit her, the guy she was with, he was with Sanzu. How could that fact have slipped out of her head? Cold was running down her spine. After she had seen Ran her mind went black. “Omg, the guy that is now with Sanzu, what will happen to him.” Y/n saw Rans knuckle’s tightening around the wheel. He kept quiet.” Ran!” “Why does it matter to you anyway?” Y/n was confused by his question. “Ran just tell me what will happen to him.” “Is he your boyfriend or something?” “What- no, Ran just answer already.” “You sure, it seems like you care about him a lot.” “Yeah, I kinda do, he is alone with Sanzu, Ran please tell me what will happen to him.” “Did you sleep with him y/n, is that why you don’t have pants on, are your keys in his apartment?” “How is this important right now anyway.” Ran didn’t want to admit it but he was jealous, he also had his chicks around sometimes, he wouldn’t deny it, but y/n was different, she wouldn’t just sleep with someone unless she felt something towards this person. He was afraid that he meant something to her. Ran please tell m-“ “He is a traitor Y/n. Its better when you just forget about him and don’t ask further questions.” “That means that he will be killed, doesn’t it?” “y/n you know how things work in that business, there is no mercy, as I said its better when you don’t look to deep into the world, I work in.” “But you can’t just kill him like that, can’t you guys just put him into a kind of jail or something.” “Y/n he is a traitor, he not only brought Bonten into danger but also Kakucho, Rindou and me. Do you understand, we could all have died, Rindou even got shot, fuck.”

Y/n was crying, she was crying because of that guy, she didn’t really know him or liked him, but still she grieved for him, she also cried because she was to overwhelmed with what had happened today, she just wanted to get into her bed and stay there for a long time, before she would be able to face the world again.” Hey, don’t cry okay- Ran had put his hand on her leg to soothe her, she let him- you can’t do a thing y/n nobody can. Mikey made that decision, it’s a big rule in Bonten, Traitors get killed, you don’t know this world, and its better if you don’t. But that’s how things work, if Bonten would show mercy, it would get very dangerous for us, for me. It would mean we are weak, and that would make us easy prey, nobody would take us serious.” Y/n knew that, she knew that she couldn’t do a thing and that even he couldn’t do anything.

“Can we get my keys and can you drive me home afterwards.” y/n whispered. Ran sighed defeated, not wanting to let go of her already, “Yeah, I can do that.”

After they had gotten the keys and the rest of her clothes from the apartment that was completely cleaned up by now, left of every evidence from the scene that had occurred in the morning.

The drive was quiet, it wasn’t a comfortable stillness, it was heavy. Until Ran asked quietly. “Did you like him.” “no.” Ran was confused and relieved at the same time. “I used him, actually, he was just a distraction, to get over you. But I didn’t hate him, I just slept with him a couple of times and now he gets killed, it’s just that I kinda knew him, I spent time with him and now he will be killed. That’s just too much for me, it’s just so stupid. Today a live will be taken, someone I knew, that is just, I don’t know.” Ran didn’t ask further questions, he understood and let her feel what she had to feel.

He stopped in front of her house, both of them were quiet not saying a word. y/n opened the door and stepped into the rain letting ran alone in his car. Both felt like they should say something but they remained quiet, the whole situation was beyond confusing and weird, they hadn’t seen each other in years, then they meet again, under the most bizarre circumstances, they talk, just to learn that things weren’t as they seemed, then they kiss, and now somebody will die. And all that happened in just one day.

Ran called her name, he wanted to ask her if he will see her again, but y/n was already too far gone to hear him through the rain. But he thought about her, saying yes, to trying it again with him. he had to trust her word.

 One week went by. One week that felt like a year with how many thoughts had been rushing through y/n´s head. One week to clear her head, not that it was enough to do that, but she felt like she had processed the whole thing enough. She was done with grieving, with the pain, with being depressed and with not living her live as she should. She wanted to live again, to love again.

She remembered Ran saying that Rindou was injured. That he was shot. y/n had a deep connection to Rindou he was like a brother to her, and it had pained her to leave him too, when she had left Ran. Hearing about him being injured pained her. That’s why she was now on her way to visit him. she knew he wasn’t in the hospital like a normal person would be, she was sure he is being treated in his home. So that’s where she was now, knocking at his door.

She waited, and waited, maybe he was sleeping or- her thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and she was greeted by a shocked looking Rindou. “Y/n!” y/n smiled; she really had missed him a lot. “Hey Rin.” The always bored looking face that he had was gone, he still looked her up like she was some kind of ghost. “I heard you were being shot, I just wanted to check up on you.” “Ah yeah,- he was scratching his neck in embarrassment- shouldn’t have happened to me.” y/n laughed, “Yeah you Haitani´s sometimes forget you are still human beings that can get hurt.” He smiled at her. “Do you wanna come in?” “Sure, if I am not bothering you.” “Nah, it’s boring I am actually happy to have company.” He opened the door further, showing his whole body, his leg was in a cast and he had crutches. Rindou catch her staring at his leg. “Some fucking asshole shot right into my knee, and shattered a part of the bone, and now I can’t walk.” “oh shit, I am sorry, that is pretty awful.” “Yeah but its not that bad, I will walk normally when everything is healed, he missed the important parts.” “that’s good to hear.” He walked into his living room, y/n noticed that he hadn’t changed much in his apartment, it actually looked the same.

“How do you know about my injury?” “Ran told me.” Again, Rindou looked confused and shocked. “You guys had contact?” “Yeah, a week ago. Didn’t he tell you?” “No, but that explains a lot about his behavior the last week.” “His behavior?” “Yeah, he seemed totally out of place, like a bee stung him in the ass, he was so energetic, but a little out of his mind, you know, he seemed kind of… happy, livelier. I haven’t seen him like that for a long time now.”

y/n looked sad, she knew that feeling, not being present, just existing, getting through the day. Ran had suffered a lot more and she wasn’t there for him.

“I have really missed you.” he suddenly whispered not looking her in the eyes, she could see his cheeks lightly blushing. She had never heard him talking about his feelings before. Y/n touched his thigh. “I have missed you too, so much. I am sorry that I haven’t visited you. I am sorry that I just left.” He looked at her. “No, don’t apologize, I can understand why you left, I know my brother well, but there were times when I was young, where even I thought that he didn’t want to be around me. He can get pretty absent sometimes. Its just his way to cope with his problems. And none of us talks about the things that haunt us. That is how we grew up, that is just how we got through everything, not showing emotion, just going forward. That is all we knew. It is wrong I know that, and I think he knows that too, but its hard to change. – he paused for a moment- but he loves you, y/n, he really does, I saw him trying to get better, for you. you are his reason to get better.” “He didn’t have to try all alone, I would love him either way, broken or happy, it doesn’t matter to me. I love him, but he still thought that it wasn’t enough, that he wasn’t enough.”

The sound of keys opening the door interrupted them and you could hear shoes being messily thrown against the wall, y/n immediately recognized who entered the apartment. “Rin, I got your ugly food for you, don’t think I will ever do that again, I waited an hour for that shitty meal to get done, I hate fancy foo-“ he stopped when he saw who visited “Speaking of the devil.” Rindou said when ran entered the room.

Ran just stood there. The whole week he had argued with himself if he should visit her or if he should let her take her time, a whole week he was scarred if he would even see her ever again. but here she was sitting on his brother’s couch smiling shily at him.

Rindou got impatient at the two just staring at each other. “Ran, can I have my food already, you took too fucking long I am starving.” At those words Ran got out of his frozen state, and he huffed “What did you say you disrespectful little shit, the audacity, I stood there for an fucking hour, because you wanted special fancy food.” “Don’t be so whiny.” Rindou rolled his eyes. They went on with their sibling fight. y/n watched in awe; she had missed them so much. When they went in for a fight, Ran with the bag of food and Rindou with his crutch, Y/n interrupted them with her laughter. They stopped and just starred at her. “I really missed that.” She said smiling, while starring right at Ran.

“So, I am going to eat now, you should eat with us y/n, you are not going to regret it, this is the best food you can get.” “It better is.” Ran said. Both are starring at her expectantly. Y/n smiled. “Yeah, I would love to eat with you guys.”

And that’s how they ended up sitting together eating food and chatting about the most random stuff. It was like all those years apart had never existed; it was like everything was just a bad dream.

 The alarm went on and y/n groaned. She didn’t want to get up for work but she had to pay her rent somehow. When she had finally gained enough strength to get up, a strong arm around her waist was holding her back. Now it was Ran that groaned. “stay in bed, baby. Its too early for you to get up.” “I would, but I have a rent to pay.” She tried again to get up but his hold just got stronger. “You wouldn’t have to pay rent when you just move in with me. Its not like we haven’t lived together before, so why do you refuse anyway.” Y/n sighed. “its because we agreed on a slow pace. Its been barely two months and we are basically living like we were never apart.” He was now looking at her. “Is that a bad thing.” Y/n touched his cheek. “No Ran, its just that I am, I don’t know I am scarred of something I don’t know what, but I am scarred we will lose each other again, its just, after all those years where I felt so hollow, its kind of unbelievable how fast I got happy again, how fast everything was okay again.” he kissed her palm that was touching his cheek. “I know what you mean, but there is nothing to be afraid of, it comes so naturally that we are together again, its meant to be baby. We are meant to be. We had our down, and it was necessary, for me to change and for us to know that we have to be together. We had to be apart, just to find us in a new light again.”

y/n breathed out, a breath that she was holding for a while now. She leaned in and kissed him. “You are right.” She kissed him again. “You are right, but that quote you just dropped in your last sentence, be honest you looked that up, it sounds familiar.”

He just grinned at her and she knew she did a mistake. He grabbed her wrists with one hand and held them down, pressing her down into the bed. He sat down on her legs caging her body completely, hovering over her. “And what if I did, you just ruined the whole mood Y/n and now you will pay.” His free hand shot down on her belly tickling her. “No Ran, stop. Stop.” She laughed. “Only when you stay in bed with me.” “I cant I-she laughed- have to go to-she laughed because he tickled her again-work.” “Then I won’t stop.”

And he didn’t stop, until she agreed on calling sick for the day. It was his free day after all, and it was really rare for him to have one. they stayed in bed the whole day. In the evening, right after they had slept with each other. Again. he asked her if she wanted to move in with him. “You know what, I would move in with you. But you are living with Rin, and I am sure he also wants his privacy.” “Yeah, he always complains about us being too loud.” “What, are you serious, I thought the walls were too thick, kinda soundproof.” “yahh, haha- he scratched his neck- that was a lie.” “WHAT.” “sorry baby, I just couldn’t risk you holding back, it was too long that I heard you scream my na- ouch.” “This is so embarrassing Ran.” “No, its hot- ouch. Stop hitting me.” “Stop being a perv.” “And just so you know we wouldn’t live with Rin, I already bought an apartment only for us.” “WHAT, when?” “Actually I bought it,… right after you had visited Rin…Yeah so, do you wanna move in with me already.”

Y/n stayed quiet. Ran already wanted to let out a sad sigh. “I choose the interior placement this time, cant risk a full body mirror opposite to the toilet again just because you couldn’t put it anywhere else, I always had to look down while sitting on the toilet, it was so weird.” Ran looked at her with big and excited eyes. “So, it is a yes then.” “Yes, it is.” He kissed her, hundredths of kisses on her face. “Ran, stop.” Y/n laughed. Only when I can have a mirror on the ceiling of our bedroom.” “Oh my god, fine.” y/n laughed at his childish antics.

 And less than a month later she woke up to her alarm ringing, and when she opened her eyes she looked at herself and the tall man clinging to her side,

he got his mirror after all.

#tokyo revengers #angst #ran haitani #ran x reader #ran x fem!reader #ran haitani x reader

[ymsliwy]

Why I Avoided You-Part 3

Ran x fem!reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mentions of depression, mentions of break up, angst

Notes: im really sorry for grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. Not really proofread!

Rans Pov three years ago

 Ran had finished his message, he dreaded texting her that he wouldn’t make it. But what he dreaded more was seeing her. He knew he was a bad partner; he knew that he was disappointing and neglecting her. Ran was aware of that, but he just didn’t know how to change it.

He didn’t want to admit it, but his demons were haunting him, and he was tired of the constant running from them. he overworked himself until he was too tired to keep his eyes open, that’s when he crashed at Rindous. When he woke up, he went to work, it was easy. Rindou wouldn’t ask him about his day, about his wellbeing. He had his own demons to fight and he understood that ran didn’t want to talk about it, they were alike when it came to emotions.

Y/n was different, she wouldn’t want Ran to suffer in silence, and for him to cope with his problems by overworking and drinking. He knew that. She would see that he was suffering and she would want to help him. And that was the problem, he didn’t wanted help, he didn’t want to talk about his emotions, he didn’t want her to see how fragile he really was. And above all he didn’t want to be a burden, for her to carry.

Ran had learnt from a young age, to hide his emotions. He hid them from Rindou, he had to be strong for him. He didn’t know back than, that showing emotions was everything but weak. But he grew up thinking that is was weakness and he couldn’t just change that. He didn’t know a different method to handle himself other than distracting himself. And y/n would try to change that. He knew she would, and that was what scared him, because he knew that in the end he would open up. and that’s when she would pity him, when she would know how damaged he really was and he couldn’t bare that.

He was wrong, but he didn’t know that. That’s why he was avoiding her. Not because he didn’t love her, but because he loved her too much, he was afraid she would leave him if she knew the shadow that was always following him, when she would finally see how broken and fucked up he truly was.

When they started dating, he was fine. He felt good, but than the wave crushed and he was sucked back into the depths of his past. It happened before and sometimes it took him years to see a glimpse of light again. ran was broken, there was no way to deny that. He knew that he was broken. And he lived in shatters. That was a part of his identity, a part of him. He couldn’t imagine a life without his demons walking beside him. He doubted that there even was a time, when he was free of them.

But he had truly believed something would change, when he had met y/n. he didn’t immediately felt that way. But when he got to know her and when he had spent time with her, he fell in love for the first time in his life and suddenly life seemed friendly to him. Not so heavy and cruel. He had felt peace around her and their love had become his safe place. She had become his home, something he had searched for his entire life.

He really felt like he lived in the clouds, not that cliché cloud seven thing, but rather the freedom he connected with the heaven and the easiness the clouds represented. But when the darkness hit him again, he felt like he had fallen into the mud again. he didn’t dare coming up, he didn’t dare to muddy the home where he had made all this memories of peace and luck and love.

And so, he decided to stay in the mud, in the dark. He didn’t come home. Thinking he would safe this place, not knowing it would turn into a hell of its own.

He always told himself that he just needed another week to push his demons away, just another week to clear his head, just another week to be able to at least feel enough to crack a smile, just another week to feel happiness again. just another week to be able to face her again without her finding out, in an instance, that something was wrong with him. But the weeks went by and he just sunk deeper into his depression. He wanted to get better, so that she would never know about the hell, he was surrounded by.

So that she couldn’t pity him. or leave him.

If only he knew that she wouldn’t do that ever. If only he knew that the pain he felt, wasn’t weakness at all. If only he knew those things…

…he wouldn’t be standing in an empty apartment. With no evidence of her. With nothing that would have proved that she had ever been there.

It hadn’t even smelled like her. How long was she gone? He couldn’t tell. He couldn’t tell because he wasn’t home for a long time. Had she left yesterday or a week ago? He couldn’t tell, he fucking couldn’t tell. He had stood there, in the middle of the apartment that seemed too big and abandoned now that she and all her things were gone.

He stood there dazed and numb. Disbelieve, panic, shook and sadness were building their way to the surface. She had left. She was gone. And it was all his fault.

He didn’t cry or punch the wall or went out into the night to pick up a fight with some stranger. He felt like doing all that, fuck, he felt like destroying this whole fucking planet. But he couldn’t, he just stood there. For a stranger it would have looked like ran didn’t care about it. like it didn’t bother him at all, that his girlfriend had left. But it was nothing like it seemed. Ran went completely numb that day, he lost his reason to get better. He lost that one thing that he wanted to get better for.

What use had he now from getting better. He was tired of fighting against himself. Rindou was grown up now, back than when both had only each other and rindou was too little to take care of himself, Ran had a reason not to drown in the darkness, he had to be a big brother. That’s why he kept his demons at bay. And that’s how Rindou and he had survived. then he had y/n, he wanted to build a live with her. But now, when he had no one to look after, no one to live for. He let go.

He sunk into that numb state and was swallowed by darkness. He made the mud his new home. After that day he didn’t talk about her, he didn’t even mention her name or thought about it. He let her go, he left her and himself behind and became just a shell that carried his name. He wasn’t Ran Haitani anymore, he was just Bontens executive.

He had let her go, at least, that’s what he said, that’s what people believed. He even nearly convinced Rindou. But Rindou just knew him too well. He even nearly had convinced himself, when it wasn’t for the dreams, where she still haunted him and the pain that they brought with reminding him. of her.

Now

Another night where he couldn’t sleep. Another evidence that he still wasn’t over her. Another proof that time doesn’t heal you, not even a bit, even when it had been nearly three years.

Nearly three years later and he wouldn’t have thought that she would sit right in front of him, in Bontens interrogation Room, only wearing panties and shirt, tied up with a bag on her head, next to a guy that had betrayed them.

That day people were grocery shopping, others were working. People went on with their life, for them it was just another normal day. Not knowing that for two people the world had stooped for a moment, time went still and everything went quiet.

Sanzu had never seen Ran flinch away, and his face full of emotion, shock, disbelieve. Sanzu remembered him with a gun against his head, beaten down on his knees, tied up. But never had ran showed emotion, let alone had he flinched, until now. … because of a woman, that was tied up, defenseless.

Y/n could just stare at him with wide eyes, she stared directly in his lilac hues. Lilac like the color, she always waited for the sun to create when she was slipping down the horizon.

Ran couldn’t comprehend what was happening, was it just another sick dream. No, she was real. Her eyes were still bright even with the sadness clouding them. in his dreams her face was always blurry, his mind could have never grasped the full beauty of her eyes.

He couldn’t do it, his emotions were rushing like a hurricane in his head, feelings he had numbed since the day she had left. It was too much, he ordered Sanzu to let her free, then he disappeared. Sanzu was so confused but he didn’t question it, still not knowing what had just happened he freed y/n. He brought her out of the room, where he left her standing in the long hallway. The lighting was dimly luminating the hall. She stood there in her panties not knowing what to do, when she saw someone leaning in the shadows. Head hanging loose, looking down. It was him. He approached her slowly not once meeting her burning gaze. He handed her a coat for her to cover up.

Then he walked past her, and she followed him. She watched him carefully, how he walked, how he lit up a cigarette, he still smokes, she thought. Time seemed to pass slowly while they walked in silence. When they stepped outside the building, soft rain touched them. And y/n followed Ran to his car. Black Bugatti Chiron, still the same car she thought, she almost smiled at that, like he would ever give away his baby. He opened the door for her waiting for her to get in, still not looking her in the eyes.

He started driving and y/n stared out of the window, watching the passing houses, the passing cars. She didn’t want to think right now. she didn’t want to fathom her feelings that she couldn’t suppress, now that she had looked into his eyes again, seen him again. she didn’t want to feel or to think, so she just stared out the window. She didn’t question where he was driving or what would happen next, she just let life play its twisted games.

She didn’t know how much time had passed when the car stopped. She focused on her surroundings and found herself in the familiar area she now called her home. She didn’t question why he knew were she lived. She refused to let any thought slip her mind. But one thought was pushing his way through, the thought about him. she hesitated leaving his car, the windows were getting blurry from the rain. She knew she had to go. He belonged into the past. That’s why she put her hand on the door and waited a second, she didn’t know what she waited for. Did she wait for him to stop her? For him to say something? But he kept being quiet, and that’s when she pushed the door open, leaving his car. Leaving him. Again. The rain embraced her shaking form. Kissed her struggling body, while she moved towards her door, the door she didn’t knew how to open because her keys weren’t by her, but she had to keep moving or she would just collapse crying. She knew his car still stood there in the rain; she didn’t hear him driving away. She felt him staring at her. The rain started to get stronger, louder, but she still heard the whisper, the whisper that left his mouth. She stood still, her back facing him. listening to what he whispered into the air, into the rain. “When did you leave exactly, what day was it.” his voice came out weak, worn out full of pain and regret.

“It was a Friday. Friday night. Actually, it was a Saturday, when I went out the door, it took me a while to pack up my stuff.” y/n whispered back. Struggling to find her voice.

Her back was still facing him. He was quiet. The rain soaked her and her coat, leaving her totally drenched. But everything her body could sense was him. His presence, his smell.

Ran didn’t know what to say, he wanted to tell her so much. But nothing came out of him. he was scared that when he would speak, the moment would break and she would just leave him, again. but that’s what she would do anyway, wouldn’t she? After all he did to her. After all the times he had left her. Left her alone in the apartment that should have been their home.

He was sure she would disappear out of his life, again, he was sure that the next time he would talk to her again would be in his dreams. But he had to let her know that it wasn’t her fault. He wanted to open up to her, wanted to tell her everything about the feelings that were crushing him.

“I-. I am sorry.” He breathed out. She turned around looking him in the eyes. Her eyes looked tired and pained. She cracked a little sad smile. “You don’t have to be sorry, feelings cant be forced. I just wished you would have just told me that you didn’t love me anymore, I wished you wouldn’t have just left me there, alone, feeling like a burden to you. people lose their feelings and that’s okay.”

Ran stared at her in disbelief, “that’s what you think. That’s what you had thought all those years. You think that I don’t love you anymore.” She stared at him confused. He huffed. “you really think I don’t love you.” he huffed in disbelieve. “But I have loved you every single day, I have loved you before I knew that I did, I have loved you after I told you that I do, and I have loved you every single day of those cursed years since you have left.”

y/n was stunned. Her emotions were crushing her mind. Flowing over her, drowning her. It was too much. “no!” she shouted, angry crying. “No!”, she wailed in pain. You may have loved me in the beginning, but you stopped mid-way. You stopped. You just stopped loving me.” She cried out. It pained him seeing her like that.

“hey, don’t cry, please.” He whispered softly. He took little steps until he stood in front of her. He wasn’t sure how she would react, but he wanted to touch her. He took one more step, y/n was hiding her crying face behind her hands, until she felt his long arms wrap around her. She didn’t want to let herself fall loose into his embrace, but before her mind could resist her body was already melting into him. The comfort, the familiarity, everything about him made her feel safe, and she let him hug her. She relished in his touch; she knew she shouldn’t but she so desperately wanted to.

She cried harder in his arms, all her suppressed emotions, emotions that were held back for more than three years were now rushing to the surface, crushing down and flooding everything. Rans shirt was wet from rain and tears, he pressed her against him, holding what he had lost. After a while her crying stopped, but she still pressed her face into his chest, breathing him in. and he still held her. He backed up a little to look at her. She wouldn’t look at him until he gently led her chin up to look at him. her eyes were red and they held so much suffering inside them, mirroring his gaze. She scrunched her face in pain and moved her head out of his grasp. “When you loved me, why did you…why were you avoiding me, why were you not coming home to me, why didn’t you show me that you love me.” She started crying again, her voice was cracking.

He saw the pain in her expression, her tired eyes, her soft features warped up in pain. And he remembered how she had looked like at the time when both of them were happy together. Her face was relaxed and her eyes were shining with pure joy, and she would always carry a smile when he was around, making his jokes. He knew that this was all he ever wanted and all he ever will want. He wanted her smiling at his stupid jokes again, he wanted to see her relax when he was there, he simply wanted her back by his side, in his life.

That’s why he opened up. He had spent a lifetime caging his true self behind a mask that showed no emotion. But that day he broke that mask, he broke his walls down and showed her himself completely.

“I avoided you, because I didn’t want you to see me so damaged, I didn’t come home because you would see me struggling, I told you about my past, and even the scars it had left on me, but you should never see how deep they truly were and how much I was affected by it. I wanted to be strong, I didn’t want you to see me crumble because of memories, feelings. And I know that when I came home more often you would notice that I suffered, you would make me talk to you, and then… then you would pity me and I wouldn’t be able to bare that. You know, I couldn’t handle, you seeing me weak. I was also scared. I was scared to ruin what we had. You, y/n, gave me a feeling of peace, you made me feel like I belonged somewhere. And I didn’t want to destroy the home you had given me, with the ugly past that is a part of me. You have to understand, when you looked at me, I always saw nothing but love, you didn’t know what I have been through, and I was afraid that when I told you about the life Rindou and I had to life, that I would see a glimpse of pity in your eyes every time you would look at me. And that was something I couldn’t allow. I just wanted to fix myself before I gave myself fully to you again. but it took me too long, and then you were gone. I mean I don’t blame you, I blame myself for not talking to you, for avoiding you instead of involving you. I am truly sorry.”  

Ran looked down, he felt so vulnerable, so afraid of what will happen. His thoughts were racing until they all came to a stop when y/n took his face into her palms. “you wanna tell me that I had left you alone while you were suffering. I… I am so sorry.” Her eyes were big and filled with unshed tears, she looked directly into his eyes while cradling his face in her palms.

“It wasn’t your fault, I pushed you away, I left you alone, I avoided you without you knowing why.”  Y/n shook her head. “I should have known that you were suffering, I should have noticed.” y/n said her voice was raspy. “I should have known, I was your partner Ran, I should have known.” She whispered not meting his eyes. He smiled sadly “but how would you notice when I was never there.” He took her face in his hands watching her features distort in guilt and pain.

“Y/n, I, you know, … everything took the wrong turn, we fell apart, I did you wrong, and you left and… I don’t know what will happen now. I... what I want to say is that I… I still love you. It was always you for me and I cant even say that I want you back because the whole time I had never let go of you. Look, I want you in my life, and not just in my dreams, or some shitty memory, it was never enough. I want you back as my lover, my partner.” He paused for a second and breathed out.

“What do you say, do you trust me enough to try it again with me. I promise that I will talk things out with you, I promise that I will be there with you as good as I can. So, will you try it again… with me?”

  Taglist:  @no-signal @itzfl0ra @sacvh @snaeid @rinrinfoxy  @eexphoria 

#ran x reader #Tokyo Revengers #ran angst #ran x fem!reader #ran haitani #tokyo revenger fanfic #bonten

[ymsliwy]

The Aftermath Of Neglect-Part Two

Ran x fem!reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mentions of break up, Angst

Notes: im very sorry when there are grammar mistakes, english is not my first language

 1180 days since y/n had left him. 1180 days, and not one single day went by without her having thought of him. Not a single day. Y/n tried to forget him, she tried moving on. ´Out of sight out of mind´, that was her mantra since she stepped out of his life. But her stupid heart just wouldn’t forget him. Him whose name she did not dare to think. Him, who she sometimes still felt moving next to her when her mind couldn’t grasp the difference between a sweet dream and the hurting reality.

She hated herself and she blamed time, it´s been nearly three years and her feelings for him having changed nor disappeared and she was clueless what to do.

She often reminded herself why she had left. She remembered the pain of him not being there, of him not caring enough. She even convinced herself that he fell out of love with her back when they still were together. There was no use in missing him. Was it?

Sometimes memories slipped through the wall she had built. Memories that she had caged deep down in her mind, waiting to be forgotten. Sometimes they would make their way to the surface when she had no control over suppressing them. And that’s when she dreamed of him. That’s when she would see glimpses of their relationship. Memories that would prove their love.

“I saw that.” Ran is lying on his side of the bed, acting like he is sleeping. But I could see his lip barely twitch. And his phone was suspiciously close to his hand, when it should be lying on his shelf charging, where he had left it yesterday before falling asleep. I sat up watching him intensely. I could see him biting his cheek from the inside. He didn’t last long and his typical grin showed and his eyes opened, flickering with mischief. “What did you see, babe?” I looked at his phone, the phone that he was slowly hiding under his back. “I told you not to take pictures of me, certainly not when I am sleeping.”

“I didn’t, I was taking a picture of the sunrise.” Ran sometimes was so bad at lying that I burst out laughing. “Its 11 am and the curtains are closed.” His grin was growing bigger. “Oh yeah sherlock, is that so.” Now he was above me, from the corner of my eyes i could see the blanket slipping off his body, barely showing the beginning of his hips. He was starting to suck on my neck. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling. “Come on baby, go on complaining to me.” I barely heard what he was saying, his mouth was now sucking that certain spot behind my ear. All I could get out was an “hmm”. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He chuckled. I could feel his hand slowly wandering under my shirt.

His hand stilled when it had reached my belly. I opened my eyes and saw him looking right into mine. I gasped, this look in his eyes, I had never seen it on him before. It wasn’t lust, it was pure adoration, it was love. His eyes were softly dazing at mine. I could only stare at him when he leaned forward to leave a soft kiss on the tip of my nose. I could barely breath and all I could feel was him. Now his nose was touching mine, and then I heard him say it. He whispered those three words and I nearly started crying. For a moment I could stare at him, then I held his face in my hands and kissed him. Kissed him deep with all my emotions showing. I had heard him say those words before. But this time was different, it was the first time I had believed him. The first time I knew he meant it.

When he had said it before, it was during the times we slept with each other, and he never once had looked me in the eyes, while those words had left his lips.

After the kiss he was too shy to look at me, he was staring at the side when he barely audible mumbled: “don’t you wanna say it back?” I have never seen him being this shy before. So, I took his face into my hands once again and looked him deep in the eyes. “I love you Ran Haitani.”

“You better do, Y/n” his mischief look and grin was back and he had me under him tickling me. I had never laughed harder.

The laughter faded and became distant, it started to sound like a memory. Panik and pain was starting to flood Y/n, no, no, no, no, she was thinking. She knew she was waking up. she started to get aware that it was only a dream, a memory from a time, she sometimes thought had never happened.

When she fully woke up, she cried, muffled -no´s-  were wailed into her pillow. Her heart broke all over again and she had a hard time to breath. She thought she would die. She didn’t want to be awake she didn’t want to move on, all she wanted was to dive back into that memory and never have to face reality again.

But that’s not how live worked. And so, she got up, got ready for work and left her new home behind like she didn’t just die.

Halfway through the day y/n received a message, “Do I see you tonight?” She didn’t answer, she didn’t want to see him, she was sick of trying to convince herself that she could forget him when she slept with someone else. Every time she went over to that guy, she pretended to forget him, pretended to move on, but every time she left that guy´s home, a dark knowing was making its way into her mind, and was getting stronger, clearer. It was the knowing that no matter who she will met, what she will do, how much time passes, she would never forget him and that’s what scared her the most.

Lately y/n was seeing some guy, she didn’t particularly like him, nor did she find him good looking or interesting. She was only seeing him because nothing on him reminded her of him. Normally she would see a glimpse of him in everything and everyone, but this guy was so different that really nothing was reminding her of the one she couldn’t forget.

She had met him at a club, when she once again had tried to drink that certain someone out of her mind. At first both of them only slept with each other, he was also trying to forget someone that’s why both of them were sure that no one would catch feelings. The only difference was that his break up was a couple of weeks ago while y/ns reached farther in the past.

She didn’t want to see him tonight, to be honest, she didn’t want to see anyone ever again. but she knew that she would just be crying when she would get home, and then her head would hurt and she would just pity herself. that’s why after work she drove to him and let him distract her at least a little bit from the bleeding of the sharp cuts her broken heart has left on her.

When y/n opened her eyes in the morning she could only see darkness and her hands and legs wouldn’t move, and when she screamed in panic, she could hear her scream being muffled by tape. She started to panic, sweat was rushing down her body, she felt a freezing cold and a burning hot circulating her blood stream at the same time, her body was hyperventilating pushing adrenaline through her. y/n felt someone dragging her out of the bed, she tried to defend herself, to scream. But the ones who held her where strong, to strong for a woman to do anything. But she didn’t stop moving and kicking until she could hear someone cursing and her world went dark.

The next time she opened her eyes her head ached badly, someone must have hit her. She could see light through the bag that was put on her head. She was fully awake now, and the adrenaline was once again pumping through her system. She again tried to scream but to no use. She still screamed until someone next to her called out her name. “y/n”. it was the guy that she visited the night before. “I am so sorry.” He was mumbling constantly. But she was too far away, drowning in her panic to really grasp what he was saying.

A door was being opened and she could hear footsteps. Slowly and heavy footsteps. Then someone started talking. “aww are you scared, yeah you should be, traitor.” Y/n didn’t know what he wanted from her; she didn’t understand anything. Until the guy she spent the night with spoke. “I didn’t do anything; I did nothing wrong.” He was desperately pleading. Then y/n understood that the person wasn’t talking to her.

“oh really and why did we have evidence of you giving information to the enemy.” The mocking tone in voice was familiar to her, as if she had heard it before but she couldn’t grasp who it was. She could hear the guy wailing, that he had no choice, that if he wouldn’t have caved in, he would be dead. “Oh” the familiar voice said. “If it was like that than you really had no choice, hmm- yeah, that changes everything than, I can see that you had to do it.” you could clearly hear the mockery in the captor’s voice. the door opened again and someone else was coming in, that someone spoke and y/n´s blood froze completely, the air was knocked out of her when she heard his voice. “Sanzu, playing with your victim again. oh, let me correct myself- victims. Who is that woman? I thought it was only one traitor” y/n would have known that voice in death, she was sure she would have recognized it everywhere, no matter how much time would have passed or how bad her hearing would get, it was him.” She could hear footsteps approaching her and then her world went bright again.

 Rans POV

Ran´s dreams were haunting him once again, like they would always do once in while for the past three years. that’s why he hadn’t slept properly the past days. He was tired and pissed, so, beating up a traitor was something he just needed right know. He rushed into Bontens interrogation room, hoping that Sanzu hadn’t killed the man already. But he was lucky that Sanzu liked to play with his prey before he went in for the kill.

When he entered the room, he saw that he was right, the man was still alive, “Sanzu, playing with your victim again? oh, let me correct myself- victims. Who is that woman? I thought it was only one traitor.” Now he was curious, the woman was sitting there in only panties and a shirt, completely frozen. He approached her, and started to remove the bag from her face.

taglist: @no-signal @yumeneji @mjsnightmares

#ran x reader #ran x fem!reader #Tokyo Revengers #Ran Haitani #angst #tokyo revengers x reader

[ymsliwy]

Neglect - part one

Ran x fem!reader

Summary: Reader feels neglected by Ran

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Angst

Notes: English is not my first language, so im sorry for grammar mistakes

Ran didn’t make it home very often. Usually after work in Bonten he slept over at Rindous when it got late, because he lived closer to the Headquarters. So y/n didn’t even get to see him when she randomly wakes up at night, nor does she see him when she wakes up in the morning. But that was rarely the case anyway, because he got up pretty early.

In the beginning Ran tried to always come home in the evening so they could at least see each other an hour or more before they went to bed. He also always tried to keep the weekends free for her. But time went by and he started to come home later than he usually would, until he didn’t come home at all. And the weekends he spent sleeping or working, beating up and killing people.

Y/n did understand that it wasn’t his fault, that he couldn’t be at home all the time and that was his job keeping him away, and not him. She knew that when they started dating, she knew what she would get herself into, but she thought it would be worth it. she loved him, that’s why she stayed.

But lately she was sad, she started questioning if he still loved her. She questioned it after every of his voice messages when he would tell her he wouldn’t make it to their date or when he told her that he would stay at rindous once again.

She didn’t say anything though. She would just text him an okay, sleep well. And that was it. What else should she do? Tell him to be there more often. To try to come home more often. To at least call her once in a while. She wanted to scream at him, to tell him that she felt unloved and alone. But to what use. He would just tell her it wasn’t his fault, but Mikey´s and who was he to go against Mikey.

Today was no different, y/n was eating (alone again) when she received a text from Ran telling her he wouldn’t make it. Again. No explanation why, no sorry, no I make it up to you. Not even an I wish I could make it, I miss you. that´s all she wanted to hear. He didn’t have to make it home, she just wanted to know that it upset him to not be there just as much as it upset her. She wanted to know that he also missed her, but it didn’t seem like he cared at all.

She thought back how often she had seen him the past week, today was Friday, the last time she had seen him was on Monday in the morning. He had gotten up early as he always would under the week. She hadn’t seen him the whole weekend that’s why y/n got up sleepy to tell him goodbye. She saw him leaving the shower in a rush, he walked past her and quickly got dressed while she stood by the door watching him with tired eyes.

Then he rushed past her again slipping on his shoes. He looked at the clock on his wrist and muttered a curse that he was too late, then he finally looked at her, gave her a quick kiss and was gone. She remembered how quiet the flat was, until she heard a sob, when she felt her cheeks getting wet she realized she was crying. Y/n touched her lips where he had kissed her, it tingled. She didn’t know if she was crying because he had finally showed her some affection, or over the fact that she was crying because something like a quick kiss that she barely even felt was making her feel that way.

Y/n felt hopeless, empty, she called sick at work and stayed at home crying herself to sleep again. when she woke up, it was already afternoon. Her head ached from all the crying and her eyes burned. She just stayed in bed and wondered when her relationship was starting to break apart. Ran and her got together two years ago, before the dating they had a friends with benefits relationship that quickly got over when both of them catched feelings.  

One year everything was getting good. They didn’t see each other all the time but after they had moved in together and ran was trying his best to be at home they had seen each other enough. But after a year it started to go downwards. he was working more and more because Bonten had new deals to make and stuff y/n didn’t know about. But he had still tried to see her. But after a while he stopped. And now it had been over half a year that she had seen him and really talked to him.

Their relationship consisted of ran not wanting to talk about his work when he was at home and being too tired to hear about y/n´s day. When they slept with each other it was mostly him reliving his stress, it was quick and impassionate. And after that he would just fall asleep.

Y/n was sick of it. sick of always waiting for him. Sick of crying because of him. Sick of feeling unwanted and unloved. She didn’t know why he wouldn’t just break up with her. But he probably waited for her to finally go and leave him be, that’s what she was thinking.

That’s why she packed up her stuff on a Friday night and left his apartment empty of everything that proved her having lived there at all.

#Ran x Reader #Ran Haitani #Ran Haitani x Reader #Tokyo Revengers #Angst #ran fanfic #TR

[ymsliwy]

The Ghost Of You

Shinichiro x fem!reader

Summary: Reader visits shin´s grave.

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mentions of death

Notes: english is not my first language, so sorry for the grammar!!

I miss your touch some nights when I'm hollow

It´s been five years, and y/n had moved from town, trying to forget her live, that was haunted by her past with him. It wasn’t that she wanted to forget him. But it was hard to breath when everything reminded her of the love she had lost. Today was his birthday and she found herself back in the streets where he was racing on his bike with his friends. She remembered him taking her with him one night, when most of the people were sound asleep.

And if you can't be next to me. Your memory is ecstasy.

“Lets go”, he had said, standing there under her window. “I´ll buy you a milkshake”. She could see how tired he was. That day he had no time to meet her because he was to busy working at his bike shop. But he still came even at this late hour, and he looked up at her with his big dark eyes expectantly, how could she say no. So y/n came down, he gave her his helmet. She refused to take it saying he should wear it but he just smiled at her saying she shouldn’t worry, that the angels are on his side, that he cant die. Before she could complain he had kissed her and used her dazed state to slip the helmet on her head. She complained but he didn’t care, he took her hands and put them around his belly and looked back at her saying she should hold him tight. That night she felt like life would be eternal the moment seemed endless and it felt like time would stay still. She felt the cold wind on her body and the heat radiating from him. They were driving hours that night, and she hoped that this moment would never end.

I need more time, but time can't be borrowed

But it ended and so did their story. Shin died a week after. And she was left alone. That day when she received the horrific message a part of her died, and with that did her future. She knew she would never love someone as much and deep as she had loved him, she knew that she would never be that happy again. She felt like someone had buried her with him. Because that’s how she felt, six feet away from living her live.  

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Five years later and she still felt disconnected, time didn’t make it better, it just adjusts you to the pain. You learn to live with the hole in your chest, that’s the only thing time does when you lose what you love.

Since the love that you left is all that I get. I want you to know that

Today is his birthday, or was, but she doesn’t like talking about him in past tense, for her he is still by her side or rather inside her mind. Y/n walked down the familiar streets that ones held so many of her dreams, and stopped at a shop to buy cigarettes. She didn’t smoke, those were for him. After that she visited his grave. Pale grey stone with his initials on it and his bones buried six feet under. She sat herself in front of his grave. “Hey shin, its been a while, wasn’t it”. she smiled sadly. Look what I got you. She lit the cigarette and coughed when the smoke hit her lungs. She laid the cigarette down on his grave. “Happy birthday” she whispered. A tear slipped her eye. “You smoked all the time shin, and I hated that you did it, I hated the smell of it. but when I smell it now, I only smell you, its funny isn’t it how everything is linked with you, I sometimes even light a cigarette just to pretend that you are standing next to me. Its been five years now, but it never really felt like you left. I can still feel you. People are telling me to move on, you know. To let you go. But you know shin, I don’t want that. I mean they are somehow right, I guess. Thinking of you does make me sad but when I remember you, when I remember us, I am happy, I am happy that I had you. and I am sure that we will meet again. until then I have to be with the ghost of you.”

If I can't be close to you. I'll settle for the ghost of you

The cigarette went out and y/n´s face was full with tears but she was smiling. Smiling about the memories of him.

She laid the pack of cigarettes on his grave and went, promising to return next year. And so, she went not aware of his ghost following her every step.

 I miss you more than life

#shinichiro x reader #shinichiro #tokyo revengers #shinichiro sano #angst #shin x reader