Shit My Players Say
The wonderful wit, witticism, and weirdness of tabletop gamers. Need help submitting a quote? Check our FAQs! Want advice on how to run a game, play a game, or find a game? Try the RPG Stack Exchange, @lfglistings, and Roll20! New reader? Bored and looking for a laugh? Check out a random quote!
35061 posts
yourplayersaidwhat · 44 minutes ago
NPC: The Weave is looking for you
Dragonborn: Why is a wig looking for you???
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 hours ago
Blood Hunter: I want to test my new wand.  I aim it at a tree.   DM: There are no trees nearby.   Blood Hunter: I aim it at a building.   DM: There are no buildings nearby.   Blood Hunter: I aim it… left.  DM: Druid and Bard, make dexterity saving throws.  
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yourplayersaidwhat · 5 hours ago
You know like ten different languages how is not a single one of them elvish?
-The paladin asking my (Sherlock Homes like but more obsessive to solve mysteries) hermit inquisitive rogue who has the linguist and prodigy feats. 
My reply? “I know celestial, common, deep speech, infernal, sylvan, thieves'cant, undercommon, and abyssal. What’s your excuse for not knowing elvish?"  Apparently NONE of the party knows elvish which seems like an oversight. 
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yourplayersaidwhat · 7 hours ago
The first meeting between our artificer and our sorcerer
*Note the sorcerer is very devoted to his faith and wears a lot of iconography
Artificer “Are you a clerical man?" 
Sorcerer "I’ve been to church”
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yourplayersaidwhat · 11 hours ago
Does [the paladin] have bowel movements?
A question that needed to be asked
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yourplayersaidwhat · 13 hours ago
I've got a butterknife against Lightning-Hands McPalpatine, what am I supposed to do?!
our very stressed 2hp rogue, not knowing that they’re about to strike the killing blow against an evil sorcerer who already hit them with two lightning spells
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yourplayersaidwhat · 16 hours ago
Background: My character (Rob) is the twin sister with another player’s character (Bob). We’re both rogues, but we both multiclassed. Rob into fighter, Bob into warlock. Both of us have the ‘actor’ feat, have high charisma and are experts in deception. As you can imagine we have caused pure chaos. Here is the best example from last session. The other PC’s have not yet been able to tell the two apart.  Paladin: Bob use fire! He’s weak to fire!
Me: I’m the magic one idiot!
DM: Roll deception, paladin roll insight. 
Me: *Passes* 
Bob: Seriously we’ve been together for months and you still can’t tell whose who! 
Paladin: Someone just throw fire at it! Which ever one of you has fire!
Bob: That’s really rude Paladin! We don’t get you confused!
Me: Yah you tell him Rob!
Barbarian: This is why I call them Ob! You can’t go wrong.
Our sorcerer, as you can imagine, was the MVP of this fight. 
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yourplayersaidwhat · 18 hours ago
(Context: We’re in a cavern fighting pirates and their guard dogs. I was too far back to deal damage so I held my action to heal the already-damaged monk if he took more damage.)
Monk: I’m gonna punch the dog. *rolls a Nat 1* Oof!
DM: Oof. You go to punch the dog, you whiff it, hit the wall, and break your– which hand is your dominant hand?
Monk, OOC: Well, I’m right-handed so I guess [Monk] is too.
DM: Alright, you break your right hand and take 3 damage.
DM: …Oh my god.
Monk: Fuck yeah!
Bard: *rolls an 8 for healing with Healing Word*
DM: …Jesus Christ. You punch a wall, break your hand, and heal for 5 HP.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 20 hours ago
“Wait so did I roll high enough to run against the town leader in the coming election under a new party? Cause he is seriously corrupt, there is no infrastructure here whatsoever”
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yourplayersaidwhat · 22 hours ago
Me: *refers to the old campaign as 'season one'*
DM: pf- season one??
Me: yeah! This campaign is season two, and the one I'm running is a spinoff series since it's in the same universe as the first one.
DM: I love that so much
Me: (other players) one shot was a holiday special.
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
The elven paladin and her elven cleric buddy from the same temple keep rolling the same initiatives.
“Yeah, so we move in lockstep and synchronize our fighting like a dance.”
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Druid: Well, the rogue has pissed off the pirates and the city guard, and we were already fighting some cultists…
Wizard: Let’s find some dragons and make them mad too, so then we’ll have enemies in the sky, sea, and land!
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Deceiving Appearances
A major battle to free a prison camp has just finished. The Human Cleric has found some imprisoned members of her order, and is catching them up on the other party members. The Human Druid is currently in the shape of a chimaera, the Human Fighter is under the effects of an enlarge potion, the Changeling Rogue is in his ‘serious combat time’ persona, and the Aasimar Paladin is interrogating prisoners.
Cleric (pointing at the chimaera): This isn’t what it looks like…
(immediate giggling from players)
Cleric: … that’s our young druid. Maybe it’s best that you see him like this first, he’s easy to underestimate when he’s just the nice young man he usually is.
(pointing at the Fighter) And that’s our Fighter… he’s also not what he looks like. He’s usually smaller. But he’s still very strong even when he’s small.
(continued giggling)
(pointing at the Rogue) And that’s our Rogue…
Paladin, through laughter: This isn’t what it looks like!
Rogue: This is most definitely not what it looks like!
Cleric: And the man interrogating the prisoners is our Paladin.
Druid: That is exactly what it looks like.
Rogue: Yes.
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
"I don't like the moon. It's just cheese and evil macarons". — our kobold artificer
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
“Hey wanna hear about my dream?”
- Our Aarakocra Cleric after jumping off a balcony into a crypt
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Our DM Destroys a Player
“I was debating on adding a mind goblin.” -DM “Mind goblin?” -Player “MIND GOBLIN DEEZ NUTS??” -DM
everyone else proceeds to die laughing
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yourplayersaidwhat · a day ago
Their new traveling companion
Context: Brand new campaign. Since day 1 I’ve noticed there have been no real healers in the party, and they all know what each other is playing. We have a barbarian, fighter, sorcerer, and a rogue. They know this. First session. 
Me (DM): You walk into the tavern where you are suppose to meet Sir Whatshisface for the job. 
Rogue: Oh shit does anyone have healing potions? We’re about to break into a legendary tomb without  some.
Me: To my knowledge you don’t have any and the nearest town is a few days away so you can either forfeit some of the gold or be lucky I guess. 
Sorcerer: So what’s the current scene? Maybe there’s an adventurer we could trade with. 
Me: Mostly miners everywhere, drunk miners. You wont find many health potions with them but could find some gold. The Barkeep might have a few squirreled away but you’ll have to roll fairly high to convince him. Sir Whatshisface is sitting drinking some mead next to a very young and excitable kid. 
Fighter: I want to insight check those two.
Me: Cool. Roll it.
Fighter: Nat 20! First roll of the campaign. 
Me: We’ll Sir Whatshisface is a rich fellow, but you get the feeling he’s more of a butler for someone else. The kid next to him is obviously some stable boy with a hint of druidic abiliti– *I realize my error* 
Me: The kid is so excited about this idea that he does join. Congrats, I now need to roll stats for this child and decided his future druid path. Dang nabbit. 
Barbarian *singing*: We got a healer. We got a healer. We got a healer.
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