zeleniafic

[zeleniafic]

"they make me insane" and it's my own ocs

#correct

[zeleniafic]

when u create too many ocs and dont have the time to develop them all equally and ur brain just wants u to focus on one or two at a time but u keep making more and more and u feel like ur abandoning the ones u havent done anything with for a while

#me

[zeleniafic]

i just want to rest. (x)

#OPE #perhaps the rhaenicent is winning me over bc that shit: HURTED #words #insp #house of the dragon #rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenyra targeryan #q

[zeleniafic]

— anne carson, h of h playbook

#oh that hurt my heart #life really just served her a big plate of tragedy huh #house of the dragon #words #insp #rhaenyra targaryen #anne carson

[zeleniafic]

THE GILDED AGE ✤ a hunger games fanfiction

Turns out, winning the Hunger Games was the easy part. Julius Alexander, citizen of District 2 and victor of the 72nd Hunger Games, thinks he has his entire life figured out. After being the youngest District 2 volunteer to win the Games, he sets out on his victory tour with impossibly high spirits and unshakable confidence. That is, until he meets Fletcher Hunt. Victor of the 68th Hunger Games and a truly depressing guy to be around. After forming an odd bond with Fletcher, Julius begins to look back on his experiences with a different perspective, but the terror of it all doesn't truly hit him until the reaping of the 74th Hunger Games, where his brother Cato volunteers as tribute. From surviving his own games, to watching his brother die, to being thrown back into the arena for a second time, it's safe to say Julius has a lot to be upset about. But Julius Alexander doesn't get upset. Instead, he gets angry. Fletcher Hunt, weighed down by the things he'd been forced to do in order to survive, has a hard time pretending to be happy. He has an even harder time being forced to attend the banquets thrown in honor of the new victors. It's not entirely his fault, then, that he sulks in a corner of the room for most of the evening. It's Julius's fault, really, for approaching him in the first place. But Fletcher likes Julius. Against all odds, and despite Julius's seemingly unshakable ego, Fletcher likes him. He likes him enough to keep meeting him, in the small moments of time that they're awarded together. He never imagined Julius liked him back in any similar capacity. Let alone enough to make sure that Fletcher would survive the Quarter Quell, no matter the cost.

taglist: @kendelias @chlobenet @bravelittleflower @eddiemunscns  @purpleyearning @eddysocs @heavenlysurf @arrthurpendragon @villanele @nolanhollogay @stanshollaand @lovehermioneforever @raith-way @kiara-carrera @decennia @luucypevensie @waterloou @carmens-garden @hiddenqveendom @foxesandmagic @jvstjewels @dragonsbone  @endless-oc-creations @ginevrastilinski @sunlitscribe @dyhlanobrien @partiallypearl @witchofinterest @fleetwoodmcs @daughter-of-melpomene

#barking like a dog #you have my ATTENTION and also unwavering support i love them #richitozier #other ocs #fd: the hunger games

[zeleniafic]

****just to be 100% clear, this has nothing to do with the recent callouts. that individual and their many offshoot blogs have been blocked for awhile now. get’em, anna. it’s also not about the revolving door of anon bullshit. anons have never gotten to me - but my own brain, on the other hand...****

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i think..... i’m going to be off tumblr for... a while? idk. i’m just so... deeply exhausted. i have never been truly well but i am decidedly less well now than previously, to such an extent that i don’t have the brainpower to hide it behind humor anymore. i feel like i am just a black hole of negative feelings and idk why anyone would want to interact with me when all of my shit is just... so bleak, because the ONLY stories i have any kind of inspiration to tell right now is extremely thinly veiled vent writing about things i should be talking about with the trauma counselor i was recommended to see but can’t because i can’t drive myself there without having a panic attack. i feel like i can’t hold any kind of conversation or connect with anyone without making it awkward or traumadumping, so why on earth would anyone want to talk to me??? it’s always just the same old shit i still haven’t processed from the last time we talked. and likewise for all of my works, i don’t want to post shit sitting in my drafts rn because tagging people in it feels like i’m shoving my diary in your face and any response it gets is just borne out of pity or some sense of obligation.

it just feels so fucking embarrassing at this point. i’ve always felt inadequate on here, none of these feelings are new, idk why it’s hitting SO HARD right now. maybe it’s the adhd meds i’m trying not getting along with me (god knows they’ve slaughtered my appetite and reignited the eating disorder i thought i’d buried). i actually have no idea how to tell if this is meds or just my fucked up brain. i’ve always been tired, i’ve always had s. ideation on some level of passive to active for the majority of my life since... idk, somewhere in my early teens???? who knows, certainly not MY shattered memory, but the point is none of this is new. i guess that’s the crux of the problem. none of this is new.

i got diagnosed with ptsd last month. i turned 24 last week. i have virtually no relationship with my family, no degree, no path forward in life, and i keep doing worse and worse and worse in my classes no matter how hard i try to focus on them. birthdays have always been rough but i guess this one came packaged with a mental breakdown over the realization that i am getting further and further behind in life and i STILL don’t know what to do with it, because i don’t know how to make it feel worth living knowing that i’m just... always going to be weighed down by my past no matter how hard i push it to the back of my mind.

GOD idk what i’m even saying here anymore, i don’t know how to wrap this up. i don’t know what i’m doing. sorry. i’m so dissociated out of my fucking mind 99% of the time lately i don’t even know how to fucking communicate, i can barely even keep up with what day of the week it is. i just feel so... numb. my psychiatrist said that’s the ptsd, but my mother called me a psycho when i tried to describe dissociation so you can take your pick between those two i guess.

TLDR: i’ve been using stories/characters as a vent outlet for forever now but it feels so OBVIOUS at this point and i can’t stand feeling so... exposed. i feel guilty for not having the energy to keep up with what i’m tagged in, but even if i didn’t... i feel like anything i say or post or show on here is just so loaded with baggage it’s got a net negative impact on anyone who witnesses it. i already feel like dogshit and i feel worse and worse every time i’m on here so, i’m just... gonna stay off here. i guess.

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(on the off chance anyone actually reads all this, this isn’t like, a cry for help or anything??? don’t freak out and panic message me or smthn. it’s just... idk. an apology, i guess?? i’ve always felt like my entire existence requires an apology lmfao. i feel like i’m failing by not being present to support the ppl i love on here. which is weird bc i simultaneously feel like my absence would be a weight off their backs. isn’t that a lovely fucking contradiction my brain loves to hold onto.)

#ignore this #idk why i'm posting it actually. it just feels.... weeirrd???? not to??? #idk this is just word vomit that. probably should be tagged but i don't fucking know how. um #tw eating issues #tw food mention #tw eating disorder #tw dissociation #tw suicide #maybe that will filter out anyone who definitely needs to NOT read this??? god. hopefully #genuinely my brain is not functioning properly idk wtf im doing. don't read this #zel.txt #irl #personal

[zeleniafic]

when he said "i dont wanna kill myself but if i could be dead for a year i'd do it today"

#yeah.

[zeleniafic]

Perhaps a child failed by their parents has their own failure ordained.

original writing by @traumacure | do not repost

[zeleniafic]

Stephanie Foo, from What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma.

[zeleniafic]

original writing / do not repost

[zeleniafic]

For web-weaving : begging for love from your mother and loving her regardless

DON'T YOU THINK THEY'RE THE SAME THING? LOVE AND ATTENTION?

stephen adly guirgis / lady bird (2017) / darker than erebus / euphoria (2019-) / taylor swift / lady bird (2017) / kyung-sook shin / darker than erebus / corpus christi

[zeleniafic]

The Haunting of Hill House, Shirley Jackson

[zeleniafic]

Safia Elhillo, from Home Is Not a Country; “Haitham”

#yeah

[zeleniafic]

— Mary Oliver, “Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?”

#yeah

[zeleniafic]

STEFANIE MARTINI as Eadith of Mercia The Last Kingdom, (5.05)

#future fc #q

[zeleniafic]

Hi! I saw that you're really good at period fc stuff and I was wondering if you had any suggestions for someone with brown hair who could fit into Captain America The First Avenger (so not Hayley Attwell or Natalie Dormer and ideally not Lily James)?

Hey, here are some that could work for you! I’ve focused on fcs who have been in a period drama set around the time of WW2 to the cold war.

Daisy Ridley (27) - The Lost Wife

Ellie Kendrick (29) - The Diary of Anne Frank

Alicia Vikander (30) - Testament of Youth

Vanessa Kirby (31) - The Hour, The Crown

Gemma Arterton (32) - The Finest

Phoebe Fox (32) - Close to the Enemy

Keira Knightley (34) - Atonement, The Imitation Game,The Edge of Love, The Aftermath

Daisy Ridley (35) - The Crown

Felicity Jones (35) - The Diary of Anne Frank, On The Basis of Sex, The Theory of Everything

Kara Tointon (35) - The Halcyon

Charlotte Riley (37) - Close to the Enemy

Jessica Raine (37) - Call the Midwife, The Last Post

Ruth Wilson (37) - Mrs WIlson

Keeley Hawes (43) - Mrs Wilson

Tamsin Greig (52) - The Diary of Anne Frank

Olivia Williams (50) - The Halcyon

Anna Chancellor (54) - The Cazalets, The Crown

Angela Bassett (60) - Close to the Enemy

#future fc #q

[zeleniafic]

i love characters who are like oysters emotionally

#oyster character kinnie #q