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zoetjessweets · 3 years

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Safe Haven

Summary: You are the only person in this messed up world whom Levi seeks comfort in. But when you risk everything for a covert mission in the underground, Levi finds himself coping through denial and self-blame.

Notes: Levi Ackerman x Reader, Angst/Comfort, Spoiler Free, Mentions of Injury, Character death, Swearing.

Word Count: ~4.2k

A/N: This one's a part of @cookiefics's Cliche Collab; my prompt - 'I lied to protect you'. Thanks for hosting this, An! I enjoyed writing a not-so-cliche story for a cliche prompt! Congratuations on the 800 bby!!

Summary as usual by @sooibian because the ones I come up with are cringe-y :(

Master List

Freezing.

Levi was freezing when the searing pain in his neck jolted him awake. He had fallen asleep at his desk again at some obscene hour of the night after his mind ceased to keep up with the fine calligraphy on the heaps of papers before him. His heart was pounding after he had to helplessly watch you die in yet another nightmare. They plagued him every night, at least on the ones he managed to get some shuteye; nonetheless he woke up equally frightened, equally anxious every single time.

Attempting to get reacquainted with his surroundings after the brief but unsettling nap, his silver orbs surveyed the table he was settled at. Two cups sat before him, one of them still full of cold chamomile tea he remembered brewing hours ago. He huffed at the thought of you having wasted another perfectly good cup, knowing how expensive the leaves were.

But money was not the issue; discipline was. This was not the first time that you accepted his offer for the beverage and lost your appetite for it by the time he returned from the kitchen. He would be having a word with you about your blatant disregard for wastage in the morning.

“Brat.”, he muttered eyeing the dainty porcelain containing the tinged fragrant drink.

The golden liquid gleamed within the confines of the pristine china under the pale rays of moonlight delicately enveloping the room, little specs of dust floating on its surface. An urgent cleaning session was immediately added to his mental to-do list.

The wax from the melted candle that he forgot to extinguish before slumber took over had solidified just shy of the autopsy reports from the most recent mission awaiting his signature; something he was avoiding with all his might. If he had to choose his least favorite task at the Survey Corps, signing autopsy reports and death certificates would come a close second to actually witnessing his fellow soldiers die.

The contorted face of a seething Dr. Sasaki at the infirmary came to his mind when he had failed to return them over a week after they were due. With a sigh of relief for the damage avoided, he moved the pieces of parchment out of the way, still making no effort to complete the delinquent assignment. Just then, another glimmering golden object was revealed, hidden beneath the grim sheaf of papers he just shifted to the farthest edge of the desk.

A ring.

The promise ring you gave him a few months ago, accompanied by a vow to finally replace it with a wedding band once this excruciating ordeal would end. The antipathy building up inside his chest at the site of those wretched reports instantly faded. This small piece of gold was a symbol of everything virtuous and pure in this world meant just for him.

But he could not remember taking it off.

He held between his calloused yet dainty fingers, softened blue-gray eyes studying its every feature. It was bruised and dented, evidence of the hardships he faced outside the safe stone walls of the headquarters. He always wore it, even while fighting; for it to serve as a constant reminder of his biggest reason to come back home alive.

You

His safe haven.

The one who could slay the demons outside the walls and the ones in his mind with equal valor. The one who was capable of making him smile a genuine smile. The one who ignited a spark of hope in his heart that he too could have the peaceful and joyous life he had only read about in novels. The one who made him realize that he was more than the war machine put on a pedestal for being Humanity’s strongest, that he was human.

Even after all the afflicted damage, the ring still held its form and fit snugly around his finger, a testament to your mighty and undying love. So, he put it back where it rightfully belonged, on his left ring finger.

The cracking sounds of his joints and the exhausted groan that escaped his lips broke the pin-drop silence that doused his office when he stretched in his seat. Cringing at the screech of the chair brushing against the hardwood floor when he stood up, Levi nimbly walked to the bedroom adjoining the office hoping to catch a couple more hours of sleep before the 6 AM meeting with Hange and Erwin was to begin.

He opened the door as slowly as possible, careful not to disturb the person fast asleep inside. He was well aware of how you hated being awoken before your scheduled time. There were still a few more hours before you would wake up to attend the same meeting as him.

Completely contrasting the insomniac that he was, you were popular among the Survey Corps for sleeping for a record breaking sixteen hours straight on a rare day off. Anyone who dared to interrupt your slumber was usually greeted with curses, if not punches and kicks; and he was not willing to risk being on the receiving end tonight.

Despite the rotten attitude, you proved to be a good influence on the captain because he managed to get an extra hour or two of rest with you cozily nestled into his side; the only one who could make him relax enough to fall into a dreamless sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. Hange wondered why his dark circles began to vanish since you began spending more time at his quarters.

“Shouldn't Shorty be sleeping even lesser now?”, they mused.

Craving the soothing warmth of your body, he stood by the bed - looking forward to seeing you curled up underneath a thick layer of blankets and intending to join you there - only to find it empty. The sheets were neat and crisp, exactly in accordance with his sky-high standards, which meant that they had not been slept in at all.

Sheepishly scratching his undercut, he let out an exasperated sigh and sauntered over to the bathroom in search of you, cursing under his breath when he stubbed his little toe against the foot of the bed in the dark. Yet another vacant room welcomed him.

He was tired, sleepy, and impatient. He needed rest, and he needed you. He needed your arms around his body, your fingers in his hair and the sound of your steady heartbeat in his ears – the perfect lullaby.

And he needed you now. But of course, you were going to make it difficult by disappearing off to Walls know where, in the middle of the night.

Feeling increasingly desperate, he paced back over to his office. Maybe you were in the kitchen, satisfying your nightly snack fixation. A sharp shudder ran down his spine when he was met with the stinging coldness of the workspace again. He rushed to the windows, pulling the shutters closed to cut the chilly breeze from flowing in, and finally began his journey towards the mess hall.

“Looking for me?”, he visibly jumped when you called out to him right as he was about to leave the room.

He turned to find you sprawled on the couch, your head propped up against its arm. The calm adorning your weary face was visible even through the lack of light.

“Baby? When did you get here?”, he asked, walking towards you as carefully as possible to avoid losing another toe to the damned furniture.

“I was here the whole time! You were too dazed to notice. Looks like someone's getting old, Captain!”, you smirked, holding your arms out.

He tched and met your head with a flick, making you giggle. Lowering himself to rest on top of you, he finally melted into your embrace that he had been yearning for. The warmth your body exuded was the perfect contrariety for the freezing cold office. He could feel a trance slowly guiding him away from reality as soon as your supple skin made contact with his.

“Nightmare?”, you cooed. His hair tickled your chin when he nodded.

“Me too.”

“Can you do that thing you do to my hair with your fingers? The one that helps me- aaah”

“You don’t have to ask, love.”, you whispered, gently raking your nails over his scalp before he even completed his request, feeling the smooth strands of midnight hair on his crown followed by the fuzzy ones of the undercut.

He let out a contended hum and his breathing began to even out, eventually turning into the softest, most adorable snores. Who would ever believe that the nocturnal owl of the Corps was currently drooling in your arms with his eyes squeezed shut and mouth ajar?

You admired the innocent angel asleep close to you – He wasn’t humanities strongest, neither the famed titan killing God, nor the grumpy captain that made cadets tremble in their shoes with one glare. In this very moment, he was just Levi, your Levi. The one you loved with all your heart and who loved you back even more. So, you let your eyes flutter closed, your body relaxing under the comforting weight of his.

“Baby, wake up. Its 5 AM. The meeting begins in an hour.”, a soft whisper roused him from deep slumber followed by a loving kiss being planted on the tip of his nose.

He sighed, opening his eyes into narrow slits, still adjusting to the mellow light of the rising sun that flooded the room. Rolling over to lay on his stomach, he took a few minutes to really wake up before moving off the cozy couch to check routine chores off his schedule. You walked away and perched on the windowsill.

“When did you wake up?”, he asked.

“A while ago. Couldn’t sleep much.”, you shrugged.

You alternated between appreciating the gorgeous image of him laying leisurely for a change and looking back at you, and the stunning view of the sun slowly rising above the walls. The playful chirps of birds and occasional neighs of horses grazing in the nearby pastures seldom broke the comfortable silence as two pairs of eyes lovingly gazed at each other before the bustling routine of the day would drive them apart.

He finally left the room to prepare for the forthcoming appointments and brought back two cups of tea when he returned. He handed you yours, which you promptly placed before you on the sill, huffing at how hot the cup was. Shaking his head with his lips slightly overturned thanks to your antics, he plopped back down on the couch, meeting your eyes from over the rim of his cup as he took a sip.

That’s when they caught his attention. The now vibrant rays of the sun not only complemented your gorgeous skin, but also brought out the massive scars on your body. The gentle breeze made your locks sway to reveal a large blue-green discoloration on your forehead and cheek bone, a long gash on your neck, and the plunging V-neck of your night shirt revealed parts of a deep purple bruise on your chest, hiding underneath the thin fabric.

It irked him further when you tried to cover them up by readjusting your hair and clothes when you gauged where his stare had landed. His glare bored holes into you, while you avoided looking in his direction, terrified of the conversation that was about to ensue.

“Why did you go?”

There it was. The first of many questions about your mission from ten days ago which took place not outside the walls, but in the underground.

“Levi, we’ve been over this already. After Miche’s injury, Alessio, Erica and I were the only ones who even stood a chance against Kirā and his thugs; and you can’t deny that.”

“Then, why didn’t you tell me you were going?”

“Because you were who they were after, dumbass! There was no way Erwin was going to risk serving you to them on a silver platter. If I told you, can you assure me that you wouldn’t follow after me?”

Levi did not respond. He knew you were right; there was no point in debating your words. If he knew your whereabouts, he was obviously going to take off into the underground on your trail, not giving the slightest fuck about the implications, as long as he was able to keep you safe. And that is exactly what Kirā, and his men were expecting, given how visibly disappointed they were when they found no signs of the captain upon your squad’s encounter with them. Levi’s scowl slowly thawed into a look of anguish. He looked up from the floor, barely managing to keep your gaze.

“But you lied. You said you were going to the market and left for the underground instead. And the next thing I heard was that they were wheeling you in with life-threatening injuries. You can’t even begin to fathom how helpless I felt. We made a promise to always be truthful to one another. And you broke it.”

“Well, I did go to a market in the underground looking for the assholes.”, your ill-timed joke fell flat, earning no reaction from him, not even his usual tch.

‘Read the room!’, you thought to yourself.

So, you moved closer to sit by his side, clasping his hands in yours.

“Baby, I had to lie to protect you. I had to lie so that you wouldn’t do something reckless and jeopardize your safety because you were too focused on mine. You are vital to this regiment, and we couldn’t let anything happen to our precious captain, could we? Duty comes before love – isn't that what we decided before we got into this relationship? So, I put my duty to the Corps before my promise to you.”

You placed a finger on his lips before he contended your decision further. What is done, is done. The dejection in his sterling eyes was crystal clear as they roamed over the cuts and bruises on your skin.

“Does it hurt?”, he asked, delicately running his thumb over the dark patch on your forehead.

“Not really.”, you shrugged, leaning into his touch.

“Let’s visit Dr. Sasaki about those bruises.”

“I don’t think she’ll want to see me after everything that happ-”, you were interrupted by a series of knocks on the door.

“It's Erwin and Hange for our meeting.”, the latter called from the other side.

The pair filed into the office; a serious expression plastered on both their faces. Hange wasn’t their usual perky self, and Erwin looked pensive too. Maybe it was the stress regarding the upcoming expedition. It was going to be a tough one.

You decided it was best to stay put and avoid ruffling any feathers with your classic uninvited humor which they clearly were not in the mood for. They sat on the visitors’ seats in front of Levi’s desk, skipping on exchanging any pleasantries, and he made himself comfortable on his own chair on the opposite side.

Getting straight to the point, Erwin began discussing some punch-list items about the approaching expedition. He had come up with modifications to the formation that he hoped would work better for the troops. Levi had been moved from the one of the outer flanks to a comparatively safer one in the center, in close range from the commander himself.

The mission comprised of setting up a base in Rekong, a small village within Wall Maria. It was an approximate halfway point between Trost and Shiganshina, making it a strategic location for the Corps to store food rations, fuel for the ODM gear, and weaponry. He declared that they would all be leaving a week from today. The plan was to be aggressive this time since the watchers atop Wall Rose informed that Titan sightings in this direction had significantly reduced. Therefore, the only reasons to retreat would be bad weather, or an unforeseen horde attack.

Hange’s mission was going to run in tandem with this one. If the base in Rekong was successfully established, Ness and a small group of scouts would venture to the east and try to specifically lure a solitary titan towards the village. Taking advantage of the houses and other buildings in the settlement, the others would set up gear, capture it, and bring it back to Wall Rose for Hange to begin their titan research.

‘Selfish.’, Levi thought.

Always putting others’ safety at peril. Staying in safer zones of the formation while commanding others to face their untimely deaths. Risking human lives for some shitty research on those filthy monsters who deserved nothing more than the swipe of a sharp blade across their napes.

So fucking selfish.

“That concludes our talks on the 48th expedition outside Wall Rose, which brings me to the next item on my agenda. Levi, Dr. Sasaki has complained to me thrice in the last week about still not receiving the signed autopsy reports from the last mission from you. Please return them to her at once.”, Erwin urged in his usual authoritative tone.

“Don’t you dare, Erwin. It’s hard enough for me to be in the same room as you. Don’t bring up that last shitshow of a mission.", Levi growled.

A long pause followed as everyone tried to familiarize themselves with this new tense atmosphere in the office. With a sigh, Erwin began, “She did well, Levi. Even after losing Erica and Alessio midway through the ambush, she was able to hold her own and take down the remaining seven members of the Death Wish gang all by herself. Including Kirā himself. We now have proof.”, the commander held out twelve chunky silver chains with large skull pendants – an infamous symbol of the gang.

Levi remembered seeing it during his underground days. He and his former gang had wreaked havoc on a big heist that Kirā and his men were about to execute, leading to their arrest by the Military Police. The thugs were recently released from prison and were out with a raging vendetta against the captain, having placed a large bounty on his head.

“And what about her? Look what it did to her!”, Levi spat. “I could have kept her safe, had you not kept me in the dark.”

His eyes found yours silently begging him to calm down, your expressions riddled with concern. His aggression made you uncomfortable as you sat at the edge of your seat with bated breath, ready to dive in if he lost his temper at Erwin again.

“It was necessary for your safety, Levi. They planned to get to you through her, and the regiment cannot afford to lose you. We all know that you wouldn’t think twice before laying your life down for her. So, I had to leave the mission into her able hands and keep you out of it.”, Erwin explained.

“Quite the leader you are, Erwin. You used her as bait. Your own sister. You pushed her into this situation despite knowing how vicious those scumbags were. Here, take these shitty reports and tell that fucking doctor to stick them where the sun doesn’t shine.”, the captain hastily signed them and tossed them at the man sitting before him.

You pursed your lips and turned to look outside the window, unable to watch your brother being humiliated this way. He did discourage you from going to the Underground. But you insisted that members Death Wish wouldn’t take the carrot unless they were sure Levi would show up; and what better way to entice them if not through his one true love? Why wouldn’t Erwin just spill the beans instead of taking daggers to the heart disguised as Levi’s words? It was not him who put you up as bait, it was you yourself.

Erwin calmly collected the scattered sheets off the floor and began examining them. Hange, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during the entirety of the meeting finally spoke up.

“Whose tea is that?”, they pointed at the cup full of Earl Grey perched atop the windowsill, their gaze alternating between that and the empty one sitting on Levi’s desk.

“The fuck kind of question is that?”, Levi hissed.

“Levi...”, Hange began, but was interrupted by Erwin.

“Levi, you just gave me two. There is one report missing.”, he said, looking at the one still clutched tightly in the captain’s fist.

Levi stared at the piece of paper for what seemed like an eternity.

“No.”

Hange and Erwin exchanged worried glances, and then looked back at the man before them.

“We heard you talking before we knocked at the door earlier.”, Erwin stated. He did not ask a question or raise a doubt, just spoke flatly. But Levi already knew where he was going with this.

A grimace draped the sharp features of his face. His eyes resembled a stormy sky, breathing heightened as if desperately trying to cling on to a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t really happening. Maybe he had dosed off and this was just another nightmare that he would soon wake up from. A troubled voice shook him out of his wildly spiraling thoughts.

“Levi. We’ve been over this. You need to face the truth. You need to accept that she’s -”

“Shut the fuck up!”, before Hange could finish their sentence, Levi, blinded by rage hurled his teacup at them.

With their deft presence of mind, they ducked, leaving an unsuspecting you, the next target in the path of the flying object. You shielded your head by crossing your arms against it as the cup approached you at full speed. Levi gasped, reaching out for it as if the act would compel it to turn in its track. And then-

The cup smashed into pieces against the wall behind, having flown right through you.

“Levi!”, three people screamed his name, the other two oblivious to your cry.

Three horrified pairs of eyes stared at Levi’s own astonished ones. He began to tremble, his breathing haggard, eyes bloodshot and pooling with tears as he mumbled incoherent words gaping at your form.

It all played before his eyes like a vivid dream -

How Eld had barged into the meeting in Erwin’s office that evening, screaming that you were hurt and in the infirmary with a gunshot wound. How he, Erwin and Hange barreled through the hallways towards the wing Eld said you were at, worried shitless. How battered you were with bruises all over your body, whimpering in pain. How the gaping wound in your chest furiously oozed blood. The stench. The deafening screams of Dr. Sasaki spitting orders her nurses.

He remembered when you opened your eyes and declared the mission a success while simultaneously coughing blood. How you timidly held his hand when you told him you loved him one last time before the light left your eyes. How your face was devoid of its exemplary affectionate smile as Erwin’s blood curdling cry pushed him over the edge, down a dark, bottomless ravine. How he was bang in the middle of realizing his worst nightmare; a nightmare he couldn’t seem to wake up from.

He remembered when he bid you his final goodbye as you were lowered into the ground. He felt the massive weight of the promise ring that used to grace your finger on a chain around his neck.

But he also remembered how you comforted him the night he came back from your funeral. How you cradled him as he cried himself to sleep. He remembered the feeling of your hands on his skin, of your fingers in his hair, of the warmth of your body against his, the sound of your sweet voice in his ears as you gave him strength to deal with his loss.

He could see you. You were right here, a few feet from him, with tears streaming down your face, helplessly watching him wallow in agony.

“She’s here.”, he whispered.

Hange’s defensive posture slumped and Erwin’s protective hand before them, dropped. They were dumbfounded, both looking puzzled as Levi kept his eyes fixed on a particular spot on the couch.

“She’s right here. You’re... You’re right here.”, he muttered, stumbling over to kneel before where you sat.

“Levi, please stop.”, Hange begged; face wet with tears as it became unbearable to see their dear friend like this.

“I miss her too, Levi. But you need to accept that she isn't here anymore. You have to let her go.”, Erwin kneeled by his captain’s side, unable to see you, his own little sister, seated just inches away from him.

“No! She promised! She promised she would never leave me alone like everyone else did!”, Levi’s screams broke their hearts.

“And I won't. I’ll be right here with you. Always.”, you whispered words meant only for his ears, cupping his face and resting your forehead on his as all four beings in the room sobbed.

You broke your promise of being truthful to him. You broke the one to never die on him. But you were not about to break another one. It wasn’t him who couldn’t let go. It was you. You chose to stay and keep your word of being with him for eternity. You were not going to leave him by himself in this despicable world. You were going to protect him, watch him experience what countless comrades laid down their lives for.

You were going to stay right here by his side.

Always.

His safe haven.

Master List

#watch my heart break into a thousand pieces #levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #levi ackerman angst #levi ackerman fic #levi ackerman #shingeki no kyojin #aot fic #attack on titan #snk

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