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euphoricmind · 1 year

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Journal Entry #1.

May 6, 2023.

Today, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and I'm having some realizations. It's been about 4 years since I broke up with my ex, but why does it suddenly feel like it's just fresh all over again? People would laugh at me for this but honestly this is how I currently feel.

This is so weird and crazy and anyone who would find out about this—especially him that I'm having relapses and reminiscing our relationship in the past, he would probably get SO weirded out (as if he doesn't think I'm crazy enough lol).

I'm going to try my best to explain what I feel as easy as possible because my thoughts and feelings are literally all over the place right now or maybe this is just because of the zodiac thing about eclipse? or maybe because I'm almost having my period which is supposedly tomorrow. I don't know. Tears started going down by the way as I am typing this right at this moment.

I feel like it's because I'm longing for a relationship right now that I just want to be loved and held and protected but at the same time I show everyone that I am independent, that I can take care of myself. I so got used to being on my own, even before I met my ex, with all the family issues I had, being the panganay, I was built to be strong enough to be alone because no one else would carry the baggage I have in me but myself.

Not that I don't have my family's support, especially my sister who's been my rock and armour, but being alone just gives me peace and that's something I need to work on but God forbid, I don't know how to break my walls down. Hell, I can't even let new people in immediately even just as friends.

I miss him. I miss everything about him but maybe not? Maybe I am mistaking this as him, as a person.. but what I miss is definitely the feeling of being loved romantically. Being seen as a woman, as a woman a man would do anything for. Being seen as their partner, someone that I can be myself with, could be my escape from all the misery I got. It's getting bad again.

I thought I was good alone, well yes I am. But I need that someone, I want someone. But can I take it? Can I handle being hurt again? Because the last time I had a boyfriend, I didn't take the break up in a good way. I was so broken, I almost wasted my life for a boy who didn't want me anymore. I'm so scared to go back to that shithole, but I know right now, I already know better.

But do I, really? I'll never know unless I get into another one, for real this time.

When I saw our pictures and videos together after years of ignoring it, it got me thinking, "I already had all the things I wished for, I had it with him. I wasted it" that was what I thought regardless of the fact that he cheated on me. I became a junkee after our break up but man, that was on me. I'm done with that though, never going back.

But hey, he was the only guy who made me feel like I was worthy of being loved. He was so obsessed with me throughout our relationship and I realized that we weren't on the same level of effort. At least that's what he thought. But all along, that time I thought I was giving in the best I could but now? Now that I know better, I realized that ah fuck, that wasn't my best yet. I was so unfair to him, maybe that's why he left and cheated? But I was a kid back then, I was older than him but I was no less of a kid still trying to learn 😞

He gave me his world, he made me his world and that's where it went downhill when he realized that, I was the red flag that time. We never fought about any girls during our relationship, siya pa yung may pinagseselosan, ako wala. He would go lengths just to see me, would angkas going to Antipolo just to see me after my class. And I never did anything to reciprocate that.

I just realized it now. Women could also be the ones in the wrong in a relationship. I, myself is a perfect example for that.

Just like my mother, who wasted my father's love. I am just like her. And I will forever hate myself for that.

How can I move on from this? Have I really moved on from my first relationship? But it's been 4 years? That's so pathetic but is it really possible?

If yes, then I am the epitome of a hung up ex who's getting her batshit karma for traumatizing a guy who was just trying to love me.

That it came to a point wherein I made him feel that he never did anything right for me when in fact, he was the fucking backbone of the relationship. Helped me through my school by inspiring me, sending me food, gifts and everything. I coped with the fact that my family fell apart that time because HE WAS THERE. I will forever be grateful for that and God....

God... how I wish I could tell him that because being with me was his huge mistake, I made him terrible, even his family hates me, I just know. When he was on drugs, when he kept on pawning his grandmother's jewelries, I was his girlfriend that time and he used all the money FOR ME. I am so ashamed.

To my first love, the only person who tried to get to know me in depths, the only person who loved me for me, J.I.S., I am so sorry for everything.

And to myself, I hope soon enough, I can forgive myself too for fucking things up and hurting someone who tried to love me the best possible way he can.

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askacricket · 3 years

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@askadinergirl

“Well whatever the relationship was I think it was good he was there for you. Even if you don’t think he was your friend or whatever, he at least came into your life at a time when you most needed someone. Life kinda has a funny way of doing that. It happened when I met Snow.” She recalled with a soft smile. All of the life they were both talking about seemed so long ago. And maybe it was for both of them since it was practically many lifetimes away. They had been through a lot since then and had become different people. But at the end of the day Ruby knew that they had gone through what they had gone through to become the people they were today and she was fine with that.

“What do you mean you fold to your morals when it comes to yourself? Archie, you’re the best guy I know. Your smart and funny and just have this way with words that’s inspiring. I can’t really explain it but you have really become like my moral compass. I look to you for guidance as so many others do too. Really it’s not hard for me to reciprocate love for you. You inspire me to be better and I couldn’t ask for anything else in a partner.” She somehow moved a little closer towards him. It was just her natural instincts kicking in. Her need to yet again be close to the man and cuddle him. It was how she showed she cared about someone after all - physical touch.

She reached over and grabbed his hand, thinking back on the time they had met. A small blush came to her face then. “You really knew you loved me all the way back then? That’s a long time.” She teased with a smile. There were tears in her eyes. No one had ever loved her like that and for that long. “All I’ve ever wanted was someone who was honest and in return accepted me for who I am. You fought alongside the wolf and apparently loved me either way. No one’s done that…. everyone who’s met the wolf has always wanted me to hide her away or pretend she doesn’t exist - until she’s convenient for them. But not you. Never you. And if I can’t love you the same way… then I’d be the one unworthy of your love. You don’t ever have to think otherwise. I love you as you are Archie, whatever that may mean. Please don’t change if you’d think that it will impress me or “earn me” or any else of that nonsense, okay?”

“I’m glad Snow and you had each other, and continue to be close. She’s a good friend.” He couldn’t imagine what might have happened if she had to go through what she went through alone. Heck, he knew from personal experience what that was like. “I really appreciate that. I think being a moral compass is what I love to do most in the world. I’m glad you think I’m a partner worthy of you, that’s what I hope for most in the world.”

He looked to her as she verbally worked through what he was saying. Though Archie appreciated the positive affirmations of Ruby’s love and her opinion of him, he saw she wasn’t quite getting it. He didn’t blame her, Ruby had always been someone who was exactly how she presented herself, the only thing not immediately apparent about her was her alter ego. Archie on the other hand was someone who desperately strived to be like that, but felt like he was an inherently subversive person, as if he somehow inherited that from his parents. Archie gently squeezed her hand smiling sweetly at her. Blushing deeper at her teasing. “You are beautiful inside and out Red, how could anyone not immediately fall in love with you? You are always the woman I love, no matter how sharp your teeth may be.” He brought her hand up to his mouth to give her hand a quick kiss.

“I know I’m not explaining myself well enough. It’s not an issue of trying to be something I’m not. It’s.... if someone came to me with the issues I have in a professional sense I would tell them to do the opposite of what I’m doing. For the past week I have been treating myself as if I’m my own patient. And I have... issues..” Archie let’s go of Ruby’s hand in favor of rubbing his eyes and fussing with his hair. “What I’m trying to say is I am not actively changing myself to be with you, but I am so afraid of rejection with every bit of my being, having this conversation is the most stressful thing.” He took a breath and cleared his throat. “Okay here it is. Here it is. I am sick. Something is wrong with me. Ever since the first curse everything about me has been wrong. I lost my cricket form. And since then magic has been affecting me horribly. I get panic attacks at work when I’m alone and I can’t hear crickets. I’m sorry I haven’t told you this, I did, not because I was afraid you wouldn’t understand and reject me and we would have to break up....

“I didn’t bring this up because I knew that if you rejected this-me I would bury these feelings so we could stay together, because I am not strong enough to go against anyone, if it meant I might lose their love.” Archie swiped at his eyes, crying once again.

#au: united realms #askacricket #para interact #au red cricket #askadinergirl #para

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drakewalkerfantasy · 5 years

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Stand, Overcome Your Fear (Beckett x F!MC): Part 7

Summary: Finally the longest month in Beckett’s and Maeve’s life come to the end and they find out themselves in a Mirror Hall. Will they finally find peace and solitude in their new home in Ireland. Or will someone stand on their way? Will they finally be able to be happy and end the nightmare that lasted more than 2.5 years.

Author note’s: This is AU for my MC Maeve Raven and Beckett Harrington. AU where happiness seems not possible for this two but is it so? All characters as usually belong to PB. Please let me know if you want to be tagged or removed from the tag list.

@fluffy-marshmallow-heart huge thank to you for all your support during me writing this AU, we are almost near to the end so thank you honey a lot. I appreciate this so much. @elles-choices thank you for your brilliant idea you gave me.

And thank for anyone who didn’t abandon this series just yet and read them :)

We are almost there. Next part supose to be the last one.

Author note’s 2: This lyric belongs to Aria (Kipelov), this is Russian Heavy Metal band and the name of the song is Stand, Overcome Your Fear. This song ideal for what to come next after this time of solitude

Warning: battle, violence

Words: ~2910

Attunements:

Maeve Raven: Sun and Earth

Beckett Harrington: Moon and Metal

Tagging: @elles-choices @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @brightpinkpeppercorn @briarsunicorn @walkerismychoice @tmarie82 @boneandfur @darley1101 @scgdoeswhat @harrington-sinclaire @feartheendlesssummer @damienazarionos @timmagicktoad

Exactly one month after the moment when they said their goodbyes, one month after their heated kisses, woven bodies and sincere promises, they met again in the Mirror Hall to finally depart from Penderghast to their new home in Ireland. They both could feel how their hearts fluttered, anticipating solitude this place would give them, anticipating the powerful protection this place would provide. They eyes met and a small smile of happiness played on their faces. Finally together, finally free. Their fingers intertwined, their bodies close to each other, standing here, ready to walk through the mirror without any suspicion what fate had prepared for them.

- Are you ready, - whispered Beckett almost touching the Mirror’s glass, waiting for Maeve to nod. When he touched the glassy surface of the mirror, he knew, the same instance his fingers connected with it, that something is wrong. Instead of a shimmering glass surface, the mirror turned into pitch black, sucking them in. He tried to pull his hand away or let go of Maeve’s hand, but this was already too late as they both were swallowed by the blackness of the swirl. They could feel vacuum sucking them further and further into the void, not knowing where it takes them, not knowing what to expect. The time seems froze as they fell onto a stone floor from ceiling height. Beckett could hear Maeve’s weak groan near to him, feeling the warm liquid flowing from his broken nose. He rolled over on the side groaning, raising up and helping Maeve to her feet. His eyes met hers after carefully examining her for bruises, surprised and relieved to see that she is okay. He gently pulled her into his embrace. She could hear his heart thundering matching hers not understanding where they are and what had happened.

- Where are we, - she asked, mirroring Beckett’s thoughts, taking a step forward from him looking around on the high walls covered with claw marks and blood stains. She could smell the foul odor of blood, decaying flesh and deadly fears in the air. Maeve covered her mouth, feeling the sickness rises to her throat, feeling terrified of this place. The realization where they are and what is about to happen slowly sunk at her and she turned around to look at Beckett, fear in her eyes. She noticed the figure behind him, feeling with all her being the imminent danger looming on them. She tried to warn him, but no sound came from her stifled throat. Maeve could feel hot tears started to flow down her face feeling despair crashing her. Beckett’s brows furrowed in concern, but before he could do something, he felt the cruciating pain by every cell in his body, feeling like all the air was knocked out of him and his body hit the floor before being raised into the air and confined to the wall. He could feel the paralyzing fear enveloped his whole body, to no avail trying to fight with an invisible force holding him in place. The cold alien voice echoing around them, making their blood chill in their veins.

- STOP IT, - the voice bounced off the walls, - How dare you, fooling me. You thought you can just pretend that this is over in hope to escape me? Did you planned to live happily ever after with this…, - something similar to the smirk or animal grin crossed her face while she looked at Maeve’s terrified face, sending another wave of pain through Beckett’s body, - you may be protected by Professor Swan’s magick, but I just waited for the right moment when I could fully and slowly enjoy my retribution. You thought you can fool me? That you can get stronger? That you can fight me and be free? - her voice grew stronger and louder when her face changed to the white mask and her veins grew pitch black moving under her skin like a snake ball. Maeve could only stand still not able to move, not able to say a word. She felt as if chained to a place as if the ability to speak has been mercilessly ripped from her. Maeve’s eyes met Beckett’s taking the courage from him, feeling the growing strength in both of them as some invisible power was binding them as one whole. The power that they yet about to discover. She smiled softly at Beckett showing him that everything will be fine before fearlessly looking straight in his mother’s eyes. She could sense with all her body Mrs. Harrington’s fixed gaze, instinctively wrapping hands around waist listening for the harsh sound of her voice ringing in the silence,- Well, well, well… Then this is the infamous Maeve Raven, who stubbornly tries to date my son, thinking that I will allow this to happen? I would better watch him die than will let him date the kind of yours… I probably should know better of his own stubbornness and kill him, rather than give him a chance to break up with you on his own… I should know better, that he is weak. He always was a white sheep in our family. The only one who didn’t have the worthy attunement. The disappointment, the failure in our line… So, now he will learn how to respect me. I will teach him a lesson in obedience and what can happen if you do not obey. He will beg me for death after I’m done with you.

- What kind of mother are you… you are a beast… a monster. He is your son and you put him through the hell, - Maeve fought back tears, her voice was strong but soft like a whispering meadow. The evil laugh broke through the room, stopping as abruptly as starting.

- SILENCE…, - the stabbing pain in her abdomen made her scream falling to her knees, but something pushed it back releasing the pain as quickly as it raised, hot salty tears run down her face, - do you want to know, what kind of mother am I? The one you never had… and the one you will never become, my dear, - she laughed mercilessly watching Maeve’s face distorting by the inner pain, her eyes meeting Beckett’s watching them mirroring the pain she felt of something that now never meant to be. She heard his screams cut through the air, watching him struggle to try and escape, watching his wrists bleeding to the floor and his face getting paler, - Stop fighting, my dear son… Is this little toy of yours really worth to die for? But don’t worry I took you both there not to watch you die, even if your disobedience should be punished. No, no, no my dear. I want you to watch her suffer… I want your pain to last forever, after her womb will be dried out not able to reciprocate, I want you to live knowing, that her tears are all your fault.

- Why are you doing this, - Maeve groaned while her insides twisted in pain, but some invisible power gaining strength pushed this pain away.

- Awwww, you will find out why. Don’t worry you and my traitor son will know exactly why I’m doing this, - she laughed circling around Maeve as a black kite around its victim looking for a better opportunity to strike, - I think you both will be interested in what I about to tell you and what will never come true now, - she stopped for a moment a smile of Death spreading on her lips, - There is a prophecy that a girl born on the summer solstice will develop the power of the sun, and will change the boy born on the winter solstice of the blood moon. Together they will be the greatest force of good that the world ever saw, and with their child, the blood attuned will stop existing, - and with this, she twisted her hands making the world explode in pain taking her breath away slowly dissolving into blackness. What happened next took everyone by surprise. Maeve could feel how some power started to rise from her, protecting her from the pain, making her body glow with a pink shimmering light. She could feel how the strength filled her and her eyes met Beckett’s while the light from her slowly enveloped him healing his wounds. Holding his mother in place by incantation, as under someone’s command she waved her hand tearing invisible chains holding Beckett down watching him getting free, rushing to take her side. His hands securely placed around her not leaving her gaze shocked and relieved at the same time. He could see his mother’s face distorted in a rage with futile attempts to break free.

- Mae, you need to leave, - he whispered to her in a rushed voice taking her hand in his, searching her eyes, not leaving any opportunity to object, - please run, don’t look behind, run as fast as you can. I’ll hold her as long as it will be possible and then… and then I will join you, - after a moment when Maeve didn’t move as if knowing her thought he continued, - I promise you, you will not lose me. I love you. I love you more than anything. I can’t lose you know.

- No, - spoke Maeve firmly, her voice hushed feeling confused and scared, but taking his side, - I love you and I will not leave your side. I’m so sick of losing you again and again. We will fight together, as this is our fight... not yours... our, - their eyes intent on each other magick flows through Maeve’s fingers while she loses her concentration feeling how the spell stops and Beckett’s mother gets her freedom again sending the first incantation toward them. Beckett moves quickly in front of Maeve feeling how his mother’s magick hit him leaving a trail of blood at the point of contact with his skin, making him hiss in pain. Maeve’s eyes grew darker with fury when she met Mrs. Harrington’s black abysmal eyes, and she fought the urge to hit her with all the power she had within her. She knew she must not... for Beckett, but watching his shoulder bleed made her blood boil and anger rise... She put her hand gently over the wound healing it, watching his face flinch with pain from the contact. Her power pulsed through her as she still held her hand over Beckett’s wound focusing on his mother. She closed her eyes focusing on her innate energy pulling it up, feeling it coursing through her veins. She looked at her shining hand sending the beam of light in Beckett’s mother direction watching her deflect it with the darkness around her. She could feel Beckett’s body gone rigid under her touch, feeling the cold spread through him and his eyes glow with a moonlight. They could hear his mother’s cold merciless laugh when she sucked the blackness inside her releasing it with the doubled force. They could see this force reaching them ready for it to pass through them, not expecting the pink light protectively dispersing the force around them not letting it reach its goal. They both could see the opening in his mother’s protection hitting at the same time, making her stumble back watching at them stunned, feeling fury bubbling in her and the cold black as the night voice thundered in the room:

- YOU... DO YOU REALLY THINK, YOU CAN FIGHT ME? - her cold laugh bounced through the darkness, making them shudder to their bones, - DO YOU REALLY THOUGHT, YOU CAN FIGHT BLOOD ATTUNED?

- We don’t want to, - sighed Beckett, - but if... if you think I’ll be watching you hurt my family then you are wrong.

- Then so be it.

Beckett could see his mother’s eyes glistening red and her hands turning into claws. Black energy with sparkles of blood pulsating around her turning into a stream of air rushing toward them. They reacted both at the same time, Maeve’s beam of sun cutting the dark energy making it fall apart, while Beckett sends the energy of Moon toward his mother hitting her in the chest making her stumble backward in surprise. He could feel Maeve’s hand on his calming and soothing like a breath of fresh air, not letting his anger to rise, sensing the power around them pulsating and throbbing. He can feel his own energy started to rise, getting stronger. They caught sight of a red vapor coming from Beckett’s mother hands, slithered over to them like a snake making their hearts race and their heads spin from the lack of air, feeling like suffocating. Not thinking twice Beckett called for Air spell brushing it off, reverting the red vapor backward, watching his mother’s black aura absorbing it. He groped the metal surrounding them, concentrating on it, pulling it toward him forging it with hot flames into a pair of handcuffs. He sends them toward his mother, to chain her to the wall, watching them twisting and writhing before disappearing in the air. His mother’s eyes were focused on him, not noticing how Maeve slowly raised her hand pointing fingers where she stood watching how the stone floor crumbled quickly beneath her and the roots came out of it circling up binding her body. The scream of anger filled the air making it thick and foul ripping off roots that bond her throwing them in their direction not giving them a chance to block debris from them. They could feel how she started to lose temper hearing her murmur ancient incantation filling them with fear. They never heard it before, but Beckett knew what that meant and what is about to come. His mother was performing the spell that would cause shadow monsters to be released and it will mean that while his mother will feed on their strength, they will lose more than just their powers, they will lose their lives. Not thinking twice Beckett interlocked his fingers with Maeve’s, watching how her power pulsating around her in a golden light creating a perfect bubble of safety wrapping the pink light inside. His own power starting flow making his hand glow in blue moonlight interlacing with Maeve’s golden light. They both could feel how their magick started to transform becoming stronger lighting up everything with Northern lights ready to burst out of them. They eyes met knowing that they need to act fast or it will be late, unleashing this new combined power toward his mother, making her stumble backward in surprise. They could feel her struggle against this wall of light, that hit her in the chest in pulsating waves, fighting it, losing her power, anger and fear flash in her eyes. They could see blackness dissolve around her leaving a tired being lay on the floor not magnificent anymore, but vanquished. They let go of each other’s hands their eyes met, feeling drained and tired. Beckett took a step closer to Maeve placing his hands around her, wrapping her tighter into his embrace, his hands securely placed on her waist. His face buried in her thick golden hairs, his heart still pounding in his chest after the battle with his mother. Lifting his eyes on his mother he started to speak.

- Mother, no matter how much pain you made us feel, you will not be able to break this bond between us. I’m sorry for you, sorry that you cannot understand or feel what we can. But I forgive you..., - he looked at Maeve smiling at her weakly watching her to nod, before continue, - we forgive you. I hope you will find it in yourself to let us be. Goodbye, mother, - he said lowering his head and reverting his gaze from cold and bloodshot eyes of his mother, - Let’s go, - he murmured into Maeve’s ear brushing his fingertips over her still slim belly and kissing her forehead. He carefully took her hand in his turning to the only mirror he could see, hoping that it will take them to the destination in mind... their home. Not quite able to believe that they created a new life, still scared to lose them both. As by instinct, he turned his head meeting the cold eyes of his mother pointing at Maeve the black aura pulsating around her and he could feel how his heart drops. Without thinking twice, he let go of Maeve’s hand gently pushing her aside and taking her place reverting his mother incantation at her, watching it hit her in the chest where the heart supposed to be. He could feel hot tears pricking his eyes running down his face watching as his mother hit the floor breathless. He stood motionless feeling pain clutching his heart, not able to move. He felt a soft hand placed on his shoulder pulling him out of his daze, turning his head to meet the warmth of Maeve’s forest green eyes. He could see the pain and the grief in her eyes... the one that he felt himself... the one he tried to fight. “If only she would let us go,” he thought, taking Maeve’s hand in his, squeezing it lightly, hoping that they will find the way home.

#playchoices #the elementalists #te #beckett harrington #beckett x mc #playchoices fanfic

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