#I do have to fight this mentality & attitude in myself every day bc im a frightened animal living in fear of failure & rejection

[srlkiller]

today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

[romeo86-blog-blog]

2021

i totally forgot i had this blog and its crazy to see how i documented so much of my past. I was against documenting my life after the last post and i figured why am i writing in this stupid blog. I realized now that sometimes you forget certain things in your life and when you stumble upon things like this blog, you start to wonder more about yourself, your mindset and the decisions you make in life.

Alot of things have changed since my last post

My son is now 6 years old. I remember how nervous i was in becoming a father wondering where that path would take me. It wasnt easy but with help from my family, it was a blessing and a smooth transition . Today i cannot see my life without my son as he is the most precious and dear thing in life to me. I live for him and seeing him grow to be this young boy who has love and and attitude (lol) has been the greatest source of joy for me.

i have also become a homeowner. It has been a blessing although the commute has been killing me, its been great coming home to a big quiet house and just enjoy the peace and santity of the country. It has been 3 years since i have become a homeowner and im learning all the challenges and skills as well of maintaining this house along with the huge land that i have to maintain (2 acres of grass to be exact which needs mowing every week in summer ugh). its a 2 and a half hour job sometimes more depending on what needs to be done. But nonetheless i enjoy mowing sometimes as it can be therapeutic.

i am writing this post today because my mind and soul is not at ease. As much i have made accomplishments such as being a homeowner and also landing a nice cushy gig in my job, i have done things which i am ashamed of. Things that would alter my life, more specifically my marriage. It is sad to say that after 7 years of marriage, i have been unfaithful and cheated on her with another woman that basically provided me the attention and intimacy that my marriage has lacked. When my wife found out, it was truly devastating. She called my parents and her brothers and told them what i have done. I have to miss certain events bc of the family ties of the woman that i had an affair with (her bro is married to my cousin). We were contemplating divorce but we are staying for our son.

This july will be a year since my wife found out about my infidelity. It has been a roller coaster ever since but is starting to stabilize. There is no intimacy between me and my wife. We basically live as room mates in this house that was once a home. Now the future is uncertain as we navigate through this crisis. Even though she is staying for our son and not robbing him of his childhood by divorcing me, it is killing me inside. Things that made me happy now i dont look forward anymore. I beat myself all the time for the stupid things i have done. I wonder if this marriage can ever be fixed. I want to have another child but i cannot have a child with a woman that does not love me and is also forever scorned by the poor life choices i have made. I have gained weight as well as mentally going through an emotional roller coaster. some days i have good days while other days i live in this dark and depressing moment in my life wondering if things can ever get back to normal. My son is the only thing keeping my head straight as i need to be strong for him so that i can continue being a father and providing for my family.

i have regrets for the things i did but I understand why i did them. My love life before and after my marriage was a troublesome sign of things that would eventually destroy the foundation of that marriage. i documented the worrisome signs and failed to acknowlege it and let myself to find comfort from another woman. I take full accountability for my actions but at the same time i understand why i did it.

i hope i can bounce back and find that light at the end of the tunnel. The pandemic of 2020 also bought its shares of challenges but 2020 has truly tested my marriage and resilience. I am trying to bring that optimism back that my marriage can be fixed but my mindset has changed alot for the worse. I dont know why but i am in this very dark space which i hope wont swallow me up until then all i can do is hope and keep on fighting and pulling through. I dont know if i will update this page frequently or in a couple of years but i hope this serves as a reminder that i need to keep my mind clear and my thoughts pure as this is now the fight that i need to win. Otherwise i dont know what else to do.

God.. i need you more than ever.

[muertaheux]

Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]

  4 days of no sleep  has meant  unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days.   but damage done  & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!! 

-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -

“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”

like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??

“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”

We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???

“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”

WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???

Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be  second guessing the creative aspect of it;   and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to  in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??

“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”

What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually  have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??

Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz  but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.

ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??

“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”

Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.

of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!

ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him),  based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. )  even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation..  we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).

Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.

#mheuxarchives

[gilmoregirlsbigbrother]

EPISODE #1

As the cast get settled into the Dragonfly Inn, tensions arise between a few guests. Personalities don’t always mesh and alliances are formed quickly in the first few days of the game. Let’s check in on the houseguests as we begin our journey on Gilmore Girlssssss Bigggggg Brother!

Andrew

Lov it is lit rally 6 hours ahead of est in italy and like my dummy dum dum ass was like oooooo lets play this fuckin game that starts in the middle of my italy trip?? so i love that for my brain. i saw the post, saw clash and dan got the twist thingy, talked to some people for a little bit, and then went the fuck to bed

Isaac

This cast fucking blows.

Randy

5 of the cast are women, 16 are bitches ding ding is it bad that i dont see myself not making it late game like i thought i had an uphill battle but these bitches accepted me so easily so this is gonna be easy

Chelsea

Hi everyone! I'm gonna try to stay on top of my shit but no promises. There are a lot of people that I don't know at all in this game, but so far Randy, Clash, Nick, and Dani have been the people to message me. Dani and I played Guyana together and did well, so it's nice to have her as someone to talk to this early on.

I don't really see any obstacles yet, it's all a matter of how i bring my game to the table and who i learn does it better. This is my second BB game so I have a little bit of learning to do since the gameplay is a bit different than Survivor.

I love the idea of going to Friday night dinner. Not only do i love dinner and Friday nights, but i think it's completely fair and chill. Your decisions may or may not help you and that's what I like. I enjoy seeing how advantages work for different people and how people make weaker ones work in their favor.

I joined this game last minute when I wasn't planning on playing for a while, so I'm still trying to get mentally prepared for the conversations and challenges ahead. I hope that doesn't put a target on my back.

Nick

https://youtu.be/KKrQn3xNd1A

( a little while later) 

Still no reply from Karen but according to Randy, Karen has a premade that she plans on sticking with all game. Randy also told me he wants me to win hoh but I don’t know if I really want it.

(a little while after that)

Karen messaged me which is a yay! I’m hoping he was just busy and didn’t see my message but who knows... can’t wait to play this first hoh and get last in it probably!

Andrew

at this point with the people left who can still win hoh.....i think theres a chance that dani or madison could put me up just bc idk them and im having very boring, fake conversation with them lmao. i love being a meninist! anyway-- i think id be fine with everyone else? i hope. so likeee fuck this hoh ig. i dont need it. if i somehow get it, ill just put up the people that ive talked to the least? also im lowkey worried JG would put me up just bc we arent talking a lot. i should talk to him more huh.. anyway i would hope im good w everyone else. nick - who i was worried about - even told me im good with him if he wins hoh and i told him same. so wow oh wow ive made my first deal of the game

Head of Household commences and Clash is the Head of Household after a water balloon fight. Alliances begin to form as a obvious friendship of Karen, Isaac, Ricky and Andrew is spotted by another emerging friendship of Nick, Madison and Randy. But, is everything as it seems? 

Liana

Hi first confessional here. I've been struggling with playing 2 games at the same time it's hard to keep up. Now i get some quiet time to catch up this lovely morning. This cast is fun and varied. I was excited to see some people I've played with in the past (Drew, Karen, Isaac, Andrew, Dan, and Ricky) and meet some new people. I'm finding it hard to message people because I hate the awkward small talk in the beginning but I don't want to get targeted. While I know those people from the past, they're also obstacles because I know, according to timestamps, Karen and Isaac targeted me in the HOH and they're probs definitely working together. I'm hoping I can stay under the radar for now and let large groups go after each other until I get a chance to build more relationships.

Madison

Let's review

In the past 24 hours I have: -implied f2 with Dan -implied f2 with Nick -f2 with Clash -Alliance with Nick and Randy -implied alliance with Bobby and Nick -alliance with Randy Adrian JG Clash

Nick

Clash winning HOH is acceptable! I think he trusts and likes me and he wanted me to win hoh when I was still in which shows something. On top of that we both had the same sorta idea to put Isaac and Karen up which I’m just here like “bye bye bitches” and these inactive players will hopefully learn how to speak some English.

Dan

Clash winning hoh is like a damn Hawaiian vacation for me. I don’t have to worry about being nominated, I still don’t have to talk to these crackheads, and I can maybe get noms how I want them. I love being pretty

Ricky

My first night in the Dragonfly Inn was riddled with terrible associative experiences in my real life, .org life, and romantic life. So....not great.

Adrian

im here and im ready to dominate

Drew

Right now i don't have a game, Andrew and I keep talking about maybe deciding to start playing but then everyone else who's like old school PI type people that we could tap (Ricky, Isaac, Karen) keep sucking massive ass

so the plan is to be just barely known enough to survive and then we'll reassess in like three rounds when i start wanting to win challenges

aka when the cast gets normal sized

Andrew

i mean im gonna work with isaac and ricky for sure i think bc we're a power trio and can fuck shit up when we put each of our single brain cells together. i like also wanna work with karen and/or drew and/or sammy bc they all me friends. i usually dont trust karen or drew for too long in games but like this is bb and not survivor and i play these 2 games v differently so we'll see what happens. madison and nick were really giving me nothing to work with night one even tho i wanted to have more indpeth convo with them. dan and jg i wanna try working with. clash..... we're gonna manipulate xoxo

clash has been involved with a lot of drama in this community and to be real i still dunno how i feel about him cuz like,,,,,ive only hosted him? and hes kinda immature but like also ig i can work close with him in an actual game and get better bearings on who he is.. maybe he can be a good ally? maybe i can just manipulate the fuck out of him and get him to say he loves me after knowing me for 6 days?

(a little while later)

me to dani: yeah it’s hard being in everyone’s pms haha Also me: rapid fire texting every single houseguest all the way from the homeland

(a little while later)

I'm tryna talk to everyone just so I'm not nominated because for whatever reason I have a bad track record of getting nommed week one? I only wanna win veto comps if I'm actually on the block. HOH rn is dumb and I'm just gonna do the bare minimum to keep myself from being nominated lol

(a little LATER after that)

okay so im gonna make a list from 1 being who i wanna mcshoot to 11 being no pls i dont wanna pull the trigger piglet

1. Madison ew smelly 2. Dani kinda smelly dont trust it 3. JG i like dunno where i stand w him 4. Clash i think he trusts me but that would be crackhead hour 5. Randy same with Clash but less hormonal(?) 6. Liana dont think she'd put me up.. 7. Karen same with Liana but im better fwiends w her uwu 8. Nick we made a deal so like? stick to it?? 9. Adrian a cool man that I wanna get closer to 10. Isaac we tryna power trio w him and Ricky 11. Ricky I think he'd have a better chance at beating Isucc

1 is take em out chief and 11 is sweet bb boi owo

(jesus take the wheel the cameraman gets super tired but Andrew keeps speaking)

Dear diary, clash won hoh today, and I hope he doesn’t put me up. If he does, then I’ll just bully him by constantly posting the screenshots of him confessing his love to Madison kimrey in the house chat. Till next time! Andrew <3

also yikes I guess dani assumes I’m the one who took her out in the challenge but like there were 8(?) of us left and lit rally lov we’ve talked for like 5 minutes so I could not give less of a shit lol

I could use Dani’s passive aggression to fuel a nuclear power plant

After the nomination ceremony where Isaac and Liana are nominated, tensions brew between Bobby and Isaac (which makes Isaac concoct a lie to make Bobby feel bad for being mean). The houseguests start to form alliances on late night calls, notably Madison’s two alliances Weiner Hard and The Chipettes. 

Nick

VL Cast Assessment/Opinions:

Adrian - We don’t exactly talk often but I feel quite safe with him... he gives me laying low type player vibes and I’m gonna let him do his thing! Overall like him a lot and there’s potential with him as an ally in the game.

Andrew - He’s quite chill! He and I talk a lot and I personally really like him and his attitude. I think he doesn’t scream threat but late game he may be the main social player and threat to win. I consider him a worthy ally

Bobby- I LOVE BOBBY! He’s overall really fun and has a great personality. We are definitely close in this game! The one issue is he makes it very clear he hates Ricky and that could put a target on him and possibly me if they think we are close. He’s someone who I will 100% have their back in the game

Chelsea - She’s sweet... nice personality and doesn’t seem to have any enemies. I think she’s a super nice person and there’s really nothing negative to say about them at the moment besides I wish we connected more sooner.

Clash - CLASH IS AMAZING! We knew each other way before this and we already had the bond but we never worked together... hopefully this time it will be different and we can work with each other long term!

Dan - I love him but the house thinks otherwise... people see him as a kind of a crazy over the top player based on past games... but in my opinion it’s better to have those types of people on your side rather than against you in these types of games...  sadly he might be a common target in this game.

Dani - Dani is so kind and I love her so much! We talk all the time  and the only issue I have with her is that she’s after Madison who I also like and trust. Their feud might ruin my game long term!

Drew - I like drew but I feel like he automatically thinks I’m with him because we know each other... we haven’t talked a ton but when we do I enjoy the talks a lot as he’s genuinely a good and funny guy!

JG - Same a Clash where I knew him before this and I trust him but we never played together! I think everyone likes him and he is someone who I gotta trust or I’ll fall out of the loop.

Karen - Rocky start but we actually talked a bit and connected a bit. I’m hoping for more but as of now I don’t trust Karen that much.

Liana - Chips wife omg I love you. they are nominated right now and I’m worried people will evict her because if she “puts the baby down” as some say, she may be really threatening long term in the game.

Madison - Hate this bitch... obviously joking but she can be trouble long term if I don’t keep an eye out for her... she’s going to create and be in drama and I gotta be ready to deal with the aftermath. Trust and love her but she can ruin everything for me in one day if she wasn’t in the right head space

Randy - This bitch is so funny! I want to work so bad with randy and I think it may actually happen! He is someone I hope I can count on long term in the game!

Sammy - We are slowly making connections and he reaches out to me very often so I’m happy to see someone is reaching out to make a bond with me rather the other way around! I’m excited for what’s to come!

Isaac - He might as well not talk to anyone at all because he’s basically inactive... he didn’t even speak to the hoh when they made nominations then got mad when they went up... it’s annoying that you think you deserve to stay over Liana who’s putting work in.

Ricky - I like him! He talks with me which is nice and I’m just overall looking forward to more conversations because I find him funny and interesting!

Andrew

I wasn’t nominated which was lit and clash said I’m one of his closest allies.. dunno if that’s true or not but I’ll run with it for now. Liana being nominated im neutral about but isaac could be an issue bc I’m supposed to be working with him. But sometimes he’ll go inactive in games? And idk why. I guess his aunts in the hospital which is a yikes but also he shouldn’t be surprised if he’s on the block. Also calling clash an incel and Bobby a dick in the chat is a look but also Bobby kinda WAS being a dick so like understandable. PS - who has the social tact now miss isaac? ... ily

Madison

Idk if I could trust Nick fully because he's already backstabbed Randiddy and my keeping things from both him and Bobby is just easier for me. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut this time and not cause too many fights but I also wanna fight most of these people. The noms are also sexy as hell and I hope Liana goes because she has a child to take care of and she should go back to that

Randy

https://youtu.be/QZC4skhewkg

The veto commences, and Sammy reigns victorious in the Word Ladder challenge. Isaac and Liana remain final nominees. But will rumors of the “premade” on a house call seal Isaac’s fate?

Ricky

literally not one single person has spoken to me today except sammy and he said hello and nothing else so i’m not doing shit until i am told anything

Randy

Andrew

so i think isaac is dying and people are coming to me like "i know hes ur fwiend uwu" and im like well im obviously not gonna be a dumb dumb bubblegum lookin ass bitch and rock any vote when im tryna play this UTR friendly to everyone game. my game rn is based purely on conformity and being a wallflower. so if isaac has to get sent down the river then bring me a boat bitch

Madison

i can't wait to evict all these boring ass people

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE

#selfhelp #depression #anxiety #stress #comparing #addiction #social media #i wanna get better

[bankofamericavevo]

a single text frm my ex

”dude im so confused like wtf is going on???”

i’ve been polite and apologetic, so why are you like “hey so what’s up talk to me” and then like *radio silence* every week??? is this middle school? is this degrassi? anyways im sick of being terrified to text you because of how you responded with the intense blocking (???) and what alexander has said. im glad you finally acknowledged my apology, though it’s clear that apologies apparently mean shit all to you, bc i literally apologized to you multiple times profusely and honestly but you weren’t ready to talk about anything. the first time i tried to apologize you literally said “youre only apologizing out of peer pressure.” like what the heck??? do you realize how messed up that is to say to someone who cares about you and who you care about? if you really thought that, that i was capable of that, then why are you even friends with me? why do you even care enough to be mad, if you think i was the kind of person who wouldn’t actually feel bad if i hurt you? and when the hell have i EVER apologized out of peer pressure??? if im pissed, im pissed, and you know it. i lowkey ignored alexander for months when i didn’t think he acted fairly towards me when i’ve always had his back - i think i make it plenty clear. conversely, if i feel bad, i apologize and do some corresponding action(s) to show that i really feel bad, which i did. i deleted my instagram account and told you that i felt bad for what i said and that’s why i deleted it, and said i was sorry. nobody fucking MADE me do that, or even suggested for me to. just because someone might make a mistake and hurt you doesn’t mean you get free reign to treat them however the fuck you want. you didn’t even talk to me after that week and then blocked me on literally everything ??? as if i even show up that much on anything but tumblr and/or snap?? and i know what i did and what i posted was wrong, and i am sorry for it, but it was also incredibly immature and out of character for me!! and you didn’t even think to ask if i meant that, or call me out yourself like “dude wtf is that insta post about me for?” or talk to me about why i said it or how you felt about it or facilitate any sort of conversation about it. but anyways after that i apologized again multiple times to make sure you really saw that i was indeed sorry, once even in person, and at that time my whole attitude and body language was literally filled with shame and relief and joy to see you and talk to you and apologize to you. i was and always am ready to know how to improve things, in spite of all the various mental and physical problems that i have. hey, you know something? it’s almost like we’re friends and i care about you!!! and even when i fuck up and hurt you, i care about you and what you think and feel and how you’re doing!!! and what i can do to help!!!! anyways, on top of this i apologized profusely about you/to you via alexander and sabrina as well, when they literally sought me out for the sole purpose of like? reprimanding me or some shit? on your behalf and putting words in your mouth, even though they are NOT involved in our relationship, don’t know everything about me or even about you, honestly, and have no right to pass judgment and verbalize their hurtful thoughts to me, especially fucking sabrina. she NEVER texts me back or even tries to maintain a friendship relationship with me, who the hell is she to suddenly appear out of the blue to tell me she “was so happy i was growing but now i’ve disappointed her” and make me feel like some schoolchild who needs to stand on the wall during recess ????? as if she even knew any of the growth i’d done other than what was told to her filtered through your voice and mind. she never seems to give a fuck about me apart from when it has something to do with you, so what the hell? there was no reason for me to deserve that, especially not from her, someone who hasn’t had a heart to heart with me in like two years. and im sick of hearing 10 different stories about what MIGHT have gone on / be going on in your brain from Alexander and Sabrina and other people, who don’t even know all the facts or what happened or even exactly why you’re upset. every time i ask for clarification or to be told specifically exactly what all you’re mad about (because if i don’t know exactly for sure, my mind wanders to bad places and i start overthinking every single action, which detracts from the main point, leaving me with the complete wrong impression), everyone always keeps saying “you know what you did” all dramatically like this is house of cards or law and order or some shit??? like calm down! i obviously am still confused and don’t know exactly, or i wouldn’t be asking, and i obviously care to fix it and make it right or, again, i wouldn’t be asking! and when sabrina was scolding me or whatever, i literally had to correct some of the information that she was incorrectly upset with me on your behalf about. and since im assuming youre the source of that information, god knows what the hell you’re thinking, or what all your assumptions and anger are based on!!! you may even be mad about shit that didn’t even happen or isn’t true and never has been or that you assumed, all because you never talked to me!!! like when you assumed i cheated on you??? what kind of person do you think i am??? you assumed that about me, and then immediately accused me of it like im even capable of that???? like i even have enough game?? for god’s sake, you thought that when i said you were my best pal that i was acquaintance-zoning you, when i literally have talked to you every day for like 3 years and love you to bits and pieces??? and i know i hurt you this night too, and i’m sorry that was completely unintentional and caught me by surprise and im sorry i said things in a way that triggered you, but do you honestly think im like a super femme pokemon like altaria, or like roserade - when im so obviously not that femme of a person???? im not NOT femme but im no altaria?? and just because i dress up when i hang out with you, doesn’t mean that there isn’t more to me apart from how i dress? and if i say i think im monferno, and relate to that and feel that, then maybe consider that you could be incorrect and that my self-assessment might be more accurate than your assessment of me? someone like sabrina could maybe be a roserade, all pretty and fierce. but not someone like me! anyways, do you still think that? that im all femme? or that i hate you, or that i’m out to get you? or that i’d cheat on you???? because all those thoughts are all evidence that just goes on to show how bad you are at perceiving and understanding me. so do you really trust everything you maybe have assumed that you think about me or my thoughts and feelings or reasoning behind my actions without confirming anything with me?? what the hell did you even tell them anyways, that made them vilify me to that degree and treat me as though im incorrigibly horrid? i didn’t murder anyone, i didn’t cheat on you, i didn’t even break any rules??? i didn’t know what was happening in my head myself and i wasn’t ready to tell you and also assumed you weren’t ready to hear any of my thoughts/perusings in that area. but what alexander and sabrina said to me? made it sound like you’re a saint and i’m uncontrollably evil and batshit crazy (and i hate using tjat word but jesus). and that literally fucked with my brain and self esteem so badly, and you already know how crap that is (it’s what caused most of this mess in the first place) and just because i made a mistake and we’re in the middle of an argument does not mean that i deserve to feel like that, or view myself like that, or to be treated like that. what did you say to make them completely ignore and forgo my own friendship with them and treat me like literal shit as they stroked their own moral egos for telling me off in your defense? and i know you let them because alexander sent me a screenshot where you literally said he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to me on your behalf. and if you have the right to literally make most everyone i know in this state hate me to the point of them seeking me out and making me feel like an irreparable disgusting monster and then actively ignoring me for a mistake that i made, accepted, and apologized for (which you don’t, by the way, but you did it anyways, so about what i said earlier, you can say whatever you want to whoever but you need to learn to fight your own fucking battles, and you need to take responsibility for the consequences of what you tell people and what they do with that information), then i at least deserve to know what the hell is happening in your brain, why you thought it was a good idea to drag this on for so long without even directly speaking to me and allow other people to speak for you, and why the hell it is that you can forgive shruti after they ignored you for literal months, or why you can hang out with amy who literally makes your stomach curdle and makes you hate yourself to the extent that you get anxious and sick, but you can’t treat me, your fucking best friend, like a FRIEND who made a MISTAKE and is OWNING UP to it and is SO OBVIOUSLY TRYING to make it right. im not forcing you to forgive me, or even asking for you to, but your policy about not talking about important stuff that you can grow from just because it’s difficult or because it hurts you is honestly? complete shit. that’s not how you talk to people or maintain relationships with them. and just as i have shit to learn from this experience and work on, that’s something that you do too.

additionally, about what i said earlier about my misplaced guilt, i’m sorry, but that’s kind of on you. i phrased it nicely earlier, but i am NOT responsible for how you feel about my feelings (that i am not in charge of/in control of) for other people. “it feels so good to see you blog about hahn and caroline in a way that you never blogged about me, it makes me SO wet!” is pretty much what you said to me on tuesday when we facetimed. i had not slept at all the night before, was cramming all night for my chem final, took my chem final, just came out of a two hour yelling session with my best friend holly (which actually allowed us to work out our issues and im grateful she spoke to me clearly and honestly like that so we could resolve the problem as effectively as possible. so. idk what i did to make you think that i was rolling my eyes or being dismissive of her and what she said to me??? but wtvr), i had a pounding migraine, and my eyes hurt like hell. but you had asked me what happened so i just called to tell you what happened, and you like ??? suddenly start with that ??? completely unrelated topic that i am not even responsible for??? you didn’t even address the actual problem, the actual reason you actually had a right to be mad at me about!!! look, i am not yours. i like you a lot and wanted to give us a shot to see if we could work out, and i cared about you enough to try before dismissing the possibility. maybe that was wrong but i was trying my best and have learned and grown from that. i was not trying to hurt you, and i learned my lesson that it can still hurt anyways, and we already talked about that stuff and resolved it as best as we could. and i know you’re not mad about that, you get it. it might hurt, but we talked about it so you’re not mad. but what you said to me on facetime on may 9th? is NOT my responsibility. i can’t MAKE myself be obsessed with you, not that i’m even sure why you’d want me to be in the first place. i have told you repeatedly that being like that makes me feel disgusting, and is terrible for my mental health, and regardless of whether who the object of that angst is, it feels fucking terrible for me to experience and i hate it and i hate thinking like that and being like that. and you know that. and the reason i blog about it at all is because i want to flush it down the toilet, get it out of my head and out of my life, so i can breathe again before i get consumed by some trash useless feelings, but i want to be able to see what i said and thought later when i’m better, to remember that it did in fact happen because of my memory issues. and yet you were upset about me not angst blogging about you??? because you never treated me like the people i DID angst about did??? are you seriously upset that you’re so nice to me that i unconditionally love you??? and back when i did angst abt you and you saw my sideblog back in september or october you got pissed and rightly so, and i apologized then and i explained to you then too that those are my toilet thoughts?? and then i made my vent insta for being similarly salty and flushing away similar crapola thoughts like ??? like for example, im not still upset with autumn for protecting hahn back when i was mad at him. i was irritated then but i dont give a fuck now. same with the things i vagued about you - i was mad and pent up then but i dont think any of those things consistently and im obviously not mad at you now. that doesn’t excuse saying them, or make it okay, but it helps explain where i was coming from in my irritation. people say bad shit they don’t mean in a fight. that’s not an excuse, that’s a fact. people also apologize for saying shit they don’t mean in a fight. that’s what i’ve been trying to do for two months now. im guessing the blogging thing you said might have been something you don’t mean that you only said bc you were pissed, but i don’t know because you HAVENT SPOKEN TO ME. im currently still frustrated with this situation regardless of you saying to clear it from the top of my mind, and im upset and annoyed that what sabrina and alexander said to me made me feel like the worst person alive, which i know i am not by any means. bc i’ve deleted those things i said and also apologized to you for them. so like what else can i do? im not justifying my insta posts or defending them, i know and admit that they were unnecessarily mean, and a paragon example of the word Extra but im just asking you to be a little introspective. since we didn’t talk properly or clearly after that, and we were both highly emotional and upset, anything that we may have spoken about tuesday night (may 9th) does not count as us talking about this issue in a beneficial manner. and we haven’t spoken properly since, which i do Not Like. how do even know what you’re supposed to be mad at someone about if you haven’t even talked to them?

and speaking of angst, just so you know, you were so fucking wrong about Hahn this entire time. all your weird suspicions that you kept projecting onto me about me being angry because i still liked him were all fucking wrong. i emailed him on may 4th because i felt like complete shit, like i was powerless, and it was the only thing i felt like i had the power to change in that moment. it was me doing something to try to drag myself out of my own mental hellhole. and at that time he and i talked, but i did not forgive him. but then three weeks later, in the middle of this shitstorm between you and me going down, he called, crying, saying that he wasn’t ready to be friends again, and that he may never be, and that he’s sorry but he’s not at that stage. and i said thanks for respecting me and telling me that, i wish you the best, goodbye. and that ended that. so im not talking to him currently and im fine, because all i ever wanted was just to be treated like a human. and i haven’t thought about that boy angstily since and when he does come to mind? i feel nothing. just calm and normal and pleasant. so you were wrong to make me feel paranoid and guilty and gross in my own skin because YOU thought i still liked him, and also it wasn’t cool that you somehow conveyed to alexander that ME trying to DO SOMETHING for my crap mental health made you sad because i was “shoving it in your face” ??? that im somehow responsible for how you’d feel upset ??? about me FINALLY getting some semblance of peace and getting over a mental block i’ve been tormented by for MONTHS???? one that you knew all the gory little details of and still insisted that i reevaluate because you thought i liked him??? bc im sorry that it made you feel bad, but you insisted on me telling you everything always, so i did, honestly, but ultimately your suspicion that i still liked him hurt both yourself and hurt me. and my entire attitude when i told you and alexander about talking to hahn on the phone was empowered and salty and savage and relieved, not goo-goo-eyed in love or any crap like that. so there. that’s some shutting down of some of your unkind thoughts that i know are often intrusive or mean to you, and im willing to do it as many times as it takes for you to believe me. and i know that your insecurities and intrusive thoughts are not your fault, but you need to be aware of when those intrusive thoughts affect your relationships with other people, and so do i. i let my intrusive and frustrated thoughts hurt you because i was mad, sick, and sleep deprived, and that was fucking wrong and messed up. i should have shut up then and then asked you to explain to me what you felt when we both were calm and ready to talk about things. and im sorry for it, and have been ready and willing to make up for it for a long fucking time. but this is a rule that applies to everyone, and letting our intrusive thoughts hurt each other is something that we both do, and that we both need to work on in general for ourselves and the people we love.

so all in all, please stop holding your moral high ground over me until you’re ready to do it properly, so either disappear for a while like you did before and take your time to deal with it on your own and be mad or whatever, or speak up now. because i can’t stand another second of this stupid weird fake melodramatic dancing around, where you peek your head out the bushes for a moment before vanishing again. i thought we were good enough friends to grace each other with the honest opportunity to talk it out, including BOTH PARTIES communicating, even if you ultimately decided you needed space or didnt wanna be friends or whatever, since we’ve both done shit to each other in the past and gotten over it. but i guess i’m not a friend, anymore ??? in your eyes?? all because i made one mistake that i am apologetic and regretful towards. oh, and before you go to sabrina and alexander and shriya (who literally just dumped a boy and got with a new one within like two days??? and yet IM judged and “insensitive” for catching feelings after a month since we broke up?? ok 😒) and the rest, if you’re offended, maybe try considering that if someone you supposedly care about makes you upset, the normal thing to do is to talk to them rationally about it and explain to them clearly why what they did made you upset, and what you expect from them moving forwards. when you’re mad at people you love, and you’re fighting with them, most people like to try to resolve it as soon as theyre ready and as soon as possible, not drag it out for months, include everyone they know, and allow their friends to say whatever they want to them. not ignore them for months, let other people say random shit to them to stroke their own egos, and assume that everyone can read your brain and knows exactly how you feel. to axie at one point you said “they know what they done” but obviously i am still unclear about it if you don’t tell me with your own words why exactly you’re pissed??? so do with that what you will, because if you think that this mistake defines our 6 year long friendship where we’ve frankly overcome much worse shit than this, if you’re really that shortsighted and salty and naive (which I like to think you’re not) and if you think that i don’t have other shit going on in my life apart from you to deal with and spend my time on, and that i’m not strong enough to move on, then that’s your problem. talk to me when you’re ready to be real about things. it won’t kill you to be emotionally vulnerable with your supposed best friend for 10 seconds. im sorry about creating this mess. let’s try to work on fixing it. and if you’re not ready to talk about this? then let’s continue this radio silence thing. and let’s talk only when you’re ready to address this and move forward from it.