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#I don't FEEL lonely like it's not acute and I'm calling and texting people really frequently
mintaka-iii
·
7 months
Text
My mental health can't possibly good if an essay on the found family trope gives me such an indescribable feeling of hollowness and yearning
#Generally I know things are bad when some media is unbearable to consume
#It's weird because I'm not overtly anxious and I'm less depression paralyzed than a few months ago
#But I'm so terrified and hopeless about grad school applications that it's affecting my whole psyche
#Even though it's not even a problem in my current life
#It's just unbearable to think about or work on and it has been for like two years
#Which means it's kinda hard to make any kind of meaningful change that would make me LESS terrified and hopeless
#So I don't FEEL anxious or ACT anxious but I'm scared to death and compartmentalizing it
#Also I've been in this town where I know none of my friends for more than a year now and also it's so small and I'm so fucking lonely
#I don't FEEL lonely like it's not acute and I'm calling and texting people really frequently
#But then I never realize I miss my sister until I see her again
#And I didn't know how much I missed seeing all my friends irl until I did
#Exactly twice in the past year
#So there's clearly multiple things fucked up in my subconscious and they're affecting me but I can't directly get a handle on them
#Also I want nothing more than to get an astrophysics PhD but it's SO much more competitive than physics
#Cause the programs are so small
#So do I apply to what I want and increase my chances of being rejected AGAIN
#Or do I try and write essays about being interested in something I'm not really
#No matter which program I get into I can probably do work in the other in actuality
#But I feel like I can't apply to a physics program and exclusively talk about all the faculty I want to work with one department over
#And most places don't let you apply to both
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