#I'm pretty sick and tired of vacillating between being perfectly fine and engaging with hobbies and friends and supporting them

[stayathome-ts]

Man I love being really fucking angry and not being able to do much about it. (everything else below the cut, copy-pasted because there's no way in hell I'm rewriting this. You're welcome for the wall of text)

I'm so goddamn angry, why do we have to be so goddamn angry lately? Oh I know, a month straight of being behind in work, all because we got sick or some bullshit, I don't even remember now! But no, now we've got an exam on Monday, and someone told us this morning that a pseudo-grandparent of ours who we haven't seen in years died last week. So that's great! Throw another thing on top of the pile, why don't you, yeah just see how much we can stand before we break knowing that it's only one more week til the term's over.

I can't even brute force my way through it, that's not how that works, I'm left fucking angry at our brain and our body for not being able to do what we need to do despite having all the will in the world to do it.

These last couple weeks have felt like a slice of eternity, it's just math math math, more math, math math, just two more assignments then you'll be caught up, oh hey look you have a biology lecture to go to at 8:30 in the morning and then pass out when you get home, now it's time to do math again except you can't, go to the tutoring center, get something worked out in five minutes that you'd been working on for five hours, go back home, math math math, nap, math math, have a fucking breakdown, turn in homework and see you only have two more assignments, do some math and more math, stare at the unfolded laundry that's been sitting there for weeks now, math math math, turn in homework, check your grades and see that you have two more assignments, remember to hydrate oh look you have hobbies remember those hobbies? Yeah I remember those hobbies, good fucking luck engaging with them though, because guess what, you have more math to do! Except no, now someone's overloaded in the system and you have to deal with that, have fun staring at your graph paper wondering how the hell to do any of this for the next hour, do more math now that you've realized you only have two more assignments, do more math, do you think you can go to the protest this weekend? No? Well either way you'll hear about horrible things every single day, often at times when you're just trying to do stuff like eat. Do more math though, only two more assignments. Have you noticed the days kind of bleed together lately? No you don't, or at least you won't for a while because you keep switching and dissociating from it so good luck trying to bring anything about this up in therapy. Remember to work on math and get that assignment done though. Math math math, shower, eat, more math, dream about having calculator issues, think about your best friend who you'll never see again and doesn't even exist here, switch out to someone who doesn't have that problem, do more math, get distracted by the fact that holy shit you're a husband now! Isn't that great! Gotta do more math first though because you only have a couple more to go. Kiss your spouse. Comfort the kid you take care of. Plan birthday presents for him and his brothers. Stare at the laundry. Contemplate folding the laundry but don't. Pack up your bag, unpack your bag, find the chargers, put away your cane, get out the calculator and the computer and the graph paper and the notebook and the math textbook and the pencil bag. Do this problem, check it, you got it wrong, go over it, triple check, you can't find a problem, do it again, do it again, check it, you got it wrong, go get a cup of coffee instead. Check it again and oh look there's the solution, that wasn't so hard was it. Only thirty more, and two more of that before you're caught up. Remember to stay caught up on how people were tortured today and you couldn't stop them. Hydrate. Stretch. Keep your body in okay condition. Do some more math, watch Columbo or X Files while you're at it, get some dopamine from that and almost feel normal again. Dance in the hallway while you're at it, dance like no one's watching because they aren't, have fun! Have you worked on math lately? Hey by the way this friend who relies on you in some ways is bpd splitting on you and you need to talk with her for a couple hours to make sure she doesn't drink too much and knows you love her, oh by the way did you hear that so-and-so died and you never got to see him again since the last time you went to that church in 2020? You can deal with that later though, you've got math to do and it's already 11 in the morning, you've really got to get a move on now, just get the calculator and the computer and the pencil bag and the headphones and the charger and the math textbook and the notebook out and get started, you're only two assignments behind and the end of the term is only a week away just like it has been for the last. four. weeks.

#This isn't even all of it but goddamn!! #I'm pretty sick and tired of vacillating between being perfectly fine and engaging with hobbies and friends and supporting them #and being held together by scotch tape and just... doing jack shit watching the clock tick as we're unable to do the work we need to #death tw #current events tw #torture mention #covid mention #religion mention #repetition tw