#I've been so depressed lately (and burnt out my friend claims) that i had to stop DMing (one of my oldest pasttimes) for like three months

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine. I initially had my alarm set for 9:30, but when it went off I decided to reset it for 10. I got up and that point and did some last minute packing, getting all the toiletries and such packed. Roommate and I left for the airport at 11, stopped at mcdonalds on the way for nuggets as a thank you for her driving me to the airport lol. her gps does this weird thing when we get close to the airport and makes her go on a toll road that's out of the way only to turn around and pay the toll again in the other direction...so that was obnoxious lol but other than that it was fine. security had a bit of a line, but ultimately didn't take too long, and didn't have any issues getting through. when I got to the gate i had some time to kill, so I pulled out my laptop and worked on some work stuff I needed to finish up from yesterday since I left the office in kind of a rush to make it to the urgent care for my appointment. I finished up with that just as we started boarding. I ran to the bathroom quickly and my leg was spazzing out for some reason and shaking a bit, super out of nowhere, but thankfully it passed quickly, so I'm just going to ignore it for now because there's not really anything I can do about it. the flight was fine, just listened to podcasts and played games on my phone for pretty much the whole time. landed, got my bag from baggage claim and found my driver. the drive back was fine, and when I got to the house I had some dinner with my mom. low key evening, just sat with my mom and watched some holiday baking championship episodes which was nice. I know I literally just got here so this might just be a time thing, but it's just kinda feeling off to me to be here without my dad. and I mean, this isn't even the first christmas without him here, but it just feels kinda wrong. and I mean, with everything that happened yesterday, I felt completely devastated at the possibility of not being able to go home for Christmas, so obviously I'm glad I'm here, but it's just a lot to deal with. His absence is so much more pronounced when I'm here and it's staring me in the face. he was never even at this house since they moved last year, but it somehow still feels empty without him here. Idk, I think it's time for me to start therapy again, since it's been a while and I've just been feeling really overwhelmed emotionally lately and kind of burnt out work wise, which I really hate because I love what I do and I love that my job lets me help people, so I very much don't want to be burned out by it, it can just be a lot some (or most, really) of the time. sigh. so I'll probably look into virtual therapy options again when I get back to Chi after Christmas and figure out what I want to do there. I'm still in a much better place than I was in the past when I was really experiencing depression and anxiety symptoms, but I realize it doesn't need to get to that point for therapy to be helpful, and I think I'm definitely at a point where I could benefit from it. So I guess I'll sort that out after Christmas. but yeah, we watched a few episodes and then I came upstairs to shower and get ready for bed, and now I'm here. It's a little past 12:30 and I'm kinda sleepy, so I'm gonna go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope you had a great Saturday.

#daily journal #December 2021