#I've realized lately that I think my whole life I've just been trying to recreate that lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

infinitemelancholie · 2 years

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We're back for another episode of late night insecurities dealings. I guess it's more dealing with how your mom and siblings ruined your relationship with women on the menu tonight... again.

Look I've already accepted I have mommy issues why can't that just be enough?? Because it's leaving me with regrets over how I've been towards other women in my life. Because it's making me realize just how much I've forced myself into some imaginary role of trying to be the perfect man for women that I end up replaying old roles from my childhood which only recreates cycles of abuse for myself. Because it's making me realize that so much of life was just missed out on because of these issues. Because I think this whole time a lot of what I did was trying to fill in what's been missing from my life. Because I'm still trying to live out a life that would make my parents proud. Because I'm still afraid of living out a life that I'd want to for myself.

I look back on people I've met in the past and even know now and just can't help but realize how much I've missed out on because of these issues. I've always had and wanted good things for myself but I've never thought of myself as deserving of those things. In a way what I did for pleasure was also something I did for self harm and self humiliation.

I'm feeling like a humiliated bi because the part of me into men and non women is a sign of how pathetic I really am. It's a reminder of how much of a failure I really am. I'm that way because I never deserved to have a woman's love in my life.

Now top that off with being sexually assaulted by my dad and boom you've just uncovered everything wrong with me.

How do people live such normal lives when mine is this way?

I shouldn't let this bother me or overtake me but I also don't want to run from it at all. Because it's my problem to work through and I know that I can work through it. Because I'm more than my parents' son. I'm my own person.

It's not shameful or humiliating to be into men and women. It sucks to have missed what I've missed, but also what's in the past is in the past.

I'm going to move to a future where my life is where I want it to be at. I'm not stopping or holding back because of this shit from my parents dammit. One day I'll live in the light with my friends and everyone else I know who'll be there every step of the way. It's going to be great.

The stuff that happened to me from my parents can't hurt me anymore. It's hindered me far too long and it's way past time to move past it. Yeah it made me make bad decisions and yeah it affected my self esteem and everything but it can't dictate my life for me. It can't stop me from living a happy and healthy life. My life is my own. Only I can live it.

One day I'll be as social as Charles. I know this because that's who I'm supposed to be like. One day I'll make an awesome boyfriend and an exceptional husband and I want to do that for anyone regardless of gender. I want to be someone's poison ivy to their Harley Quinn.

I want to accept that I can't always be that to everyone and that's ok because I can't solve everyone's problems. Maybe they're making mistakes but that's theirs to make. If I forever lose it on an opportunity than I forever lose out on that opportunity. Life moves on.

Ok the fomo thing's gonna be hard to move past but I'll make it work because I don't want to make the people in my life feel unimportant. I want them all to feel like they matter.

I'm going to work towards my happiness and start to live out a good life

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hypmic-writings · 2 years

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HHEEYYY!!! IT'S 6:00PM I'M FREAKING OUT!! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY WHOLE LIFE, not that long but feels like ◉‿◉ I've wondering if you can do something like 「TRYING TO RECREATE AKNHA DANCE With Hypmic boys 」 not all of them but 3 at your choice. Thank u and we love u! You are the best~

━━ ∘◦ ☆ ◦∘ ━━

Pairing: Ichiro Yamada x reader; Kuko Harai x reader; Jyushi Aimono x reader

Genre: NSFW

Warnings: Allusions to Sensual Dancing??

A/N: Call me old but I had absolutely no idea what the Aknha Dance was, so I had to look it up. I believe it’s a sexual innuendo from everything I’ve deciphered online, one where the dancer sways their hips in a sensual way, but I could be totally wrong and if that’s the case, I deeply apologize. Hope this is along the lines of what you wanted~

NSFW UNDER THE CUT; 18+ ONLY - MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

Ichiro Yamada

Ichiro was just casually laying down on the bed when you get the idea to do a little prank on him

you hop over to where he is and call out his name to get his attention before grabbing his hand and smiling evilly at him

the confusion is written all over his face, but that quickly goes away when you start to do the iconic Aknha Dance that’s been floating around the internet lately

of course, Ichiro knows exactly what you’re doing because he’s chronically online, and he also games from time to time

so the reference to the dance that was originally from Animal Crossing but has now become a meme is something he’s familiar with

but that doesn’t stop him from becoming extremely flustered

his face turns red but he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from you as you tease him with your swaying hips

he grins at you, half confused and half nervous, unsure of whether to hype you up or whether to turn away

you haven’t been dating for all that long, and he’s just not sure of what you want his reaction to be because he doesn’t want to cross a line but you’re dancing it so well and he’s in awe

omg so wholesome

Ichiro attempts to look away, and it’s only then that you laugh and stop dancing, pushing him back onto the bed so that you can fall down beside him

and poking his face lightly with a teasing smile and a light chuckle

because it’s usually Ichiro who’s teasing you, so this is a nice way to get back at him a bit

“Was that too much?” you chuckle

“No way, you’ll definitely have to show me more of that dance later! And I want to know just how you learned to do it so well!” he exclaimes

but this only makes you laugh harder

Kuko Harai

Kuko is always stealing wifi from his friends to play around on his phone, so he’s pretty up to date on all of the memes floating around

he’s seen the Aknha dance, and he knows exactly what it is, but this makes your plan even better

you’re tired of Kuko always teasing you, so you wait until he comes over one day to enact your plan of revenge to tease him back

you wait until he’s sitting comfortably on the couch, unaware of your music already set up to that of the Aknha zone

and as soon as his attention drifts away, you stand up over him, close enough for him to see everything, but not close enough to touch

and you hit play on the music, laughing lightly as you start to do the Aknha dance, swaying your hips in time to the beats of the song

Kuko is immediately startled, staring at you and not knowing what to do for a moment

but he quickly realizes what’s happening, and he can’t stop himself from grinning a toothy smirk and nodding in approval

because he thinks you look sexy doing the dance and it’s even more sexy that you’re doing it just for him

once you feel you’ve teased him enough, you stop the dance and the music and take a little bow as Kuko cheers

he tells you your dance was amazing and that he definitely wants to see it again, but you just chuckle and tell him that next time he’ll have to be the one dancing for you

Kuko will ask why you did the dance, and whether or not you practiced it, but you just shrug your shoulders and tell him that it’s a secret

to which he narrows his eyes and says that it’s fine as long as he’s the only one you dance that particular dance for

Jyushi Aimono

you can hear Jyushi playing on his switch before you walk into the room and you can immediately tell that he’s in the Aknha zone just from hearing the music

you suddenly remember a meme that you had come across the other day as a mischevious smile dawns on your face

you know you shouldn’t tease Jyushi like this, but it’s just too good to resist, so you steady yourself as you enter the room

just as you predicted, he’s sitting at his desk playing the video game, so you quickly call his name to get his attention

once his eyes are one you, they quickly widen and his jaw drops as he’s practically frozen in fear and anticipation

you’re moving your hips in a suggestive way, recreating the dance that you saw online and giving your boyfriend a sultry look

to you, it feels silly, but it must be having some kind of effect because Jyushi’s face is as red as a tomato and he looks like he’s simultaneously about to cry and about to explode

you keep going for a while before you finally stop, laughing lightly at his expression and nodding to him

“Well? What did you think of my dance?”

Jyushi continues to stare at you for a moment, pulse racing as he tries to get his head on straight to respond

and when he does, it’s a flurry of comments about how good you looked doing the dance, but how you can never do it in front of anyone else

and that you can only dance like that when he’s around otherwise he’ll get too jealous

and as he’s vehemently going on about your dancing skills, you can see tears well up in his eyes, and you can’t quite place if they’re happy or terrified

you feel a little bad, so you give him a kiss and tell him that you promise to only dance that dance for him

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

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yayninjabob · 4 years

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Author Commentary

Ramblings from Yay Ninja Bob about her monstrous creation~

Besides working on my fic, I personally try to journal every day, and I realized that a lot of my journaling has become me pretty much rambling about the process of writing this damn fic lol. So I thought I'd share some of that for those who may want to know more behind my chapters from my author's perspective.

It's certainly not everything I can say, but it is a lot haha..

Chapter 1 - Thirteen

Behind the title:

Well, when I first began writing VillainR, I hadn't planned on having chapter titles at all. Mainly because coming up with chapter titles (or titles for stories in general) has always been something I struggle with personally. Anywho after I decided I wanted to challenge myself with chapter titles, I went back and named chapter 1 "Thirteen." Why? Well, it is the PpG's thirteenth birthday, of course there is that. VillainR as a whole is many things, but one major thing is it is a coming of age story for Buttercup/Joey/Jojo, as well as a story of self-discovery. There's a few important ages I wanted to cover and 13 is around the age where many kids start to "develop" and being a super-powered kid, Buttercup finally begins to develop her own "special power" at this age. I wanted this "growing pain" to be the catalyst for the events of Part One. So, I gave the chapter the title of "Thirteen" to try to highlight the significance of that age for Buttercup. The self-discovery made at this age is that special power (although they are unaware of it at this point). It's considered an unlucky number, and as it turns out, it is an unlucky year for our main character.

During the writing process:

First draft was written on Halloween night 2019 and pretty much all of it was completely scrapped haha.

I started writing it in first person, like the original Villain, in Buttercup's POV. I kept the events but approached it again in third person and liked it so much better that way. One major thing I wanted to improve on with the rewrite was character development which is pretty hard to achieve when writing in a limited POV of a character who eventually loses sight of much around them. I debated briefly on maybe doing alternating POVs between Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, but then I felt like it would still exclude a lot for other major characters like Mojo and Princess. I could add them too but I thought alternating too many POVs would be overwhelmingly difficult (for me as the author for sure but I imagine for the reader too) Third person seemed to be the best way to handle everything and really my only challenge with that was tweaking the whole "unreliable narrator" trope which I will be honest is my favorite trope ever. It is a challenge to try to recreate the same effect in third person, but I decided that a close third person was the best way to 1) tell a broader story and 2) still set limits on the reader's perspective, and control when and how I drop information and attempt to recreate a similar experience in an entirely new way I've never tried before heh. (I guess I will spend more time on this on my notes for Chapter 6)

Second draft I scribbled out in another few days with this new approach. It began at the start of the carnival and ended where it ends. Simultaneously I was reworking my overall outline for the fic and began to narrow down all the characters I wanted to be my key players for this epic. Once my outline was expanded to include everyone, I added the scene with Mojo and Him. For me, that's when I was like "Ayyy it's all coming together 👍👍" haha.

Another thing I wanted to improve on was setting and world-building. So final draft I decided to include some "history" behind Townsville and that's when I worked out the final draft.

This chapter definitely had the most trial and error during the writing process than any other chapter other than 5 so far.

Inspirations:

Townsville world-building/history - much of it is inspired by the city I grew up in (for the most part) which is Los Angeles. I mean it has all the sort of settings we've seen in the show which are all pretty diverse right? Townville had to have a diverse cityscape ranging from a busy downtown setting to quite suburbs to upperclass mansions, beaches, an island, forests, etc. Well I knew LA had all that and so I tried to re-imagine Townsville as basically an alternate universe LA lol. Monster Isle, I based on research I did on Catalina Island. I imagined the Utonium household was in a middle class neighborhood like Pasadena- close to the heart of LA but still a relatively "calmer" part of the city. Morbucks Manor would be in the Hills like Beverly Hills. Downtown was the heart of the city like Downtown LA. I debated briefly whether or not to have the Gangreen Gang be from an area modeled after South Central or East LA, but eventually I went with East LA because TBH I am just more familiar with it since that's where my mom's side is from and where I grew up early on in life. PLUS East LA actually has a pretty big punk scene so that fit the story too with Ace being in a punk band and all that.

1998 PpG Show References:

"Oh my gosh they have giant Bunny-Bunny's at the prize tent!"

(Super Zeroes)

Pop Culture References:

(OK most of my pop culture refs are just punk references lets be honest lol. Why Punk?? - because it is rebellion and rebellion is the heart of this fic)

The Clash - OK in original Villain I established that this was Buttercup's favorite band so I HAD to have that back for the redux. Here's all the refs I crammed into chapter 1 lol:

"Oh, Man! It's so hard to choose, like, I love literally everything by them. But I gotta say it's a tie probably between their first album and London Calling."

"Hell yeah. Jimmy Jazz is my jam."

youtube

"You know, my band does a cover of White Riot," Ace continued to talk music with the teenager as he lit his cigarette and took a deep drag. He held the smoke in his lungs as he continued, "Only we call our version Green Riot."

youtube

Blondie:

The one artist Buttercup had introduced Robin to that she instantly obsessed over was Blondie.

(Some) Symbolism:

- Blossom is 5'9" and Buttercup is 5'8" - Buttercup is always falling one step behind Blossom.

- Bumper Car scene - has some foreshadowing and well...

Blossom sat behind the wheel of a red bumper car at the opposite end of the metal floored rink. Buttercup crossed her arms in protest, "No way. I'm driving." she demanded.

Blossom also crossed her arms from where she sat behind the metal wheel. "So you can just rampage and crash into everybody here? No way." She fastened her seat belt with a quick snap and placed her hands firmly on the steering wheel again.

"Ugh. That's the whole point of bumper cars! It's to bump the other cars! You're supposed to try and bump everyone before the times up!"

"You always take it too far, Buttercup. I'm driving, so get in." The redhead grasped the steering wheel in her hands firmly, and refused to move.

And...

"You drive like an old lady," Buttercup shook her head in disbelief as her sister managed to avoid yet another collision.

"Well, that's your opinion," she shrugged off the insult, "Personally, I think it takes just as much skill to avoid every single car in here, as it does to hit every single car," she smiled at her sister.

And finally a brief allusion to the OG Villain lol...

"Blossom!" Buttercup shouted louder so she could get her sister's attention. She pointed at the fast approaching purple car that zoomed towards them from their right side. Behind the wheel of that car was Bubbles who wore a rather determined look on her face as Robin cheered for her.

Blossom saw, but by then it was too late. Bubbles and Robin's car slammed into Buttercup and Blossom's car at full force, spinning Buttercup and Blossom's car into the wall of the arena. The loud buzz which signified the end of the ride then sounded.

- the roller coaster is Buttercup's ideal carnival attraction; it's got the thrills, twists, turns, ups and downs. And makes Bubbles sick.

- the Ferris Wheel is Blossom's ideal carnival attraction; it's a staple of any fair, grand and big, overlooks everything, and traditionally romantic

YNB's favorite scene:

Personally, I loved writing the whole exchange between Buttercup and Blossom in the car. Establishing their rivalry, Buttercup's jealousy over Blossom's special power and heroism, Blossom's projection of her own insecurities, their differences, and their commonality.

Final thoughts on the chapter:

I was pretty satisfied with how it turned out but I did wait to post it until I had a decent headstart on chapter 2. I was pretty nervous about whether or not I could stay personally committed to writing this fic so I just wanted to make sure I was really feeling it first, lol. It had been so long since I'd written fanfic so I just needed to be sure.

When I outlined everything I estimated the chapter length to be around 6-7k words... And I was surprised that it was double that at about 12k. Which was wild because on my outline each opening chapter for Part 1, 2 and 3 were supposed to be shorter and more like preludes to everything else. Well, I guess they ARE shorter chapters but STILL definitely longer than any chapter I used to write for my multichaptered stories. At the time I thought "Ok obviously my writing has changed but surely I wont go much longer than 12k for future chapters...." Hurr hurr.

Personally, I was pretty proud of myself for spending so much time on it and rewriting it over and over and all that. In the past, TBH whatever was my first draft was pretty much also my last draft haha. I cranked out a chapter in one sitting usually and edited it mayyyybeee lol. I just wanted to get it posted so I could move on and get to that next point in the story. But I suppose now that I'm older and a bit more self aware, I realize a lot of my own anxieties manifest a lot in my writing though and I can recognize it in my old works like the OG Villain where I JUST WANNA GET TO WHAT I WANT TO WRITE RIGHT NOW OK?? I forced myself to slow the hell down this time, take it one scene at a time, and when things felt off I took breaks, slept on it for a few days and came back with new approaches or ideas. And so far that's how I continue to work on it.

Also, CHVRCHES. I listened to a ton of that band while working on this chapter especially.

#villainr #ppg fanfic #yayninjabob #behindthescenes #writing process #chapter 1 #let me know if you guys like this kinda stuff and I'll continue for the other chapters #commentary #author stuff

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