#all I can think about is the fact 'teyam died for him. he watched him die. he watched his little brother die.

[dirtytransmasc]

thinking about how Spider was neteyam's big brother. losing my mind. ripping out my hair.

was 'teyam scared of storms or the dark? did he confide these "childish" fears to his big brother? did he get shy with all the attention he got in the village? did he hold Spi's hand when he got nervous?

did Spi have habits with 'teyam like 'teyam had with lo'ak? did Spi mess with his hair or reach for his shoulder or cuff his neck?

did Spi ever worry for 'teyam after he "stepped up" and became the Big Brother when the humans returned? did he worry something would happen to him? did he want to protect him despite being a human? was he proud? did his pride outweigh his fear?

did he think about 'teyam after he was taken? did he wonder where he was and if he was safe?

what was Spi thinking when he saw the bullet hole in his baby brother's back? did he freeze when he saw the blood, when he realized he failed to protect him?

what was 'teyam thinking? when he looked to Spi, did he want him to be the big brother again, did he want to stop being brave and let Spi do it? did he want to say something?

I have so many questions. I don't think my heart could take the answers.

#I'm probably being delusional. feel free to write this off as fanon bs. idc. it's canon in my mind. #all I can think about is the fact 'teyam died for him. he watched him die. he watched his little brother die. #did he say goodbye to him? #did he sneak into the mauri they kept his body in before they returned him to eywa and say goodbye to his baby brother #properly y'know. not the way he'd say goodbye in front of the kids or at a time where neytiri could see him. #did he stroke his hair and hold his hand and tell him he was sorry? #did he tell him he wished he could switch their places? #did he kiss his forehead one last time? did he look at his face and try and memorize every feature only to find it left wrong by death? #did he worry about him being alone in that mauri at night? did he worry he was scared to be alone in the dark of the pod? #he had to say goodbye to his baby brother for the rest of his life. what did he do? I need to know. #or at least. what did he want to do? #ignoring his grief and guilt and fear of upsetting the others or being caught by neytiri #if he could openly grieve. what would he do? #what would he wish he'd done? #It pains me to say I can't see canon!spider actually getting to give 'teyam a proper goodbye cause of everything #but if he did #what would he have done? #neteyam sully #neteyam #neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan #spider socorro #miles spider socorro #miles socorro #avatar the way of water #avatar #crying actually #I call them Spi and 'teyam cause it feels right