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#also going directly from 'what a catch donnie' to 'no body no crime' nearly killed me (joking)
spinoff-antithesis · 11 months
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i love my private twitter account (half joke) bc half the time it's just me rambling about random shit that people don't really care about and just skim over. does anyone beside me and maybe one other person care abt my taylor swift/fall out boy playlist? no. absolutely not. but am i gonna tweet abt it anyway? hell fucking yeah i am.
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Severed blood ties...
A gift for the dear @sergeant-donny-donowitz​
Hope you will​ enjoy the story...
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France, 1945.
Tied to a chair, Hans Landa, the infamous "Jew Hunter," furiously glanced at his jailers. The enemies he vowed to bring down were the ones who finally defeated him. Those men who the German troops nicknamed "The Basterds" put an end to the Nazi regime, stopping the war in the process.
Holding his head up, he arrogantly said:
"May I guess that you're happy, Lieutenant Raine?"
"Ya bet I am! It's been a long time since I wanna catch ya! And here ya are!"
Landa has a rictus.
"You pretend to be a hero, but we both know that you are only a redneck murderer from Maynardville!"
"Lieutenant, do ya want me to make him shut up?" asked Donny as he held his prized baseball bat.
"It would be very distracting, indeed!" smirked Wicki as he lighted his cigarette.
"Na, not now, guys!" answered Raine.
The Apache turned to the Nazi and explained:
"To answer ya question, Hans, you don't stop a war without getting yer hands dirty, right? After all, you are an expert in this field..."
"Unlike you, I don't kill people..."
"Not directly. But every time you're somewhere, it's like a death sentence!"
"I return you the compliment, Lieutenant Raine!" snarled Landa.
Utivitch raised an eyebrow.
"Is it just me or Landa seem mad at us?"
"I share your impression, Private," stated Hicox.
Stiglitz glared at their prisoner with all the hate he had. For the deserter of the S.S, Landa was the epitome of what he loathed the most.
"Why can't we kill him on the spot?" he growled.
"The orders are the orders, Hugo: the general staff wants him alive," answered Omar.
"What a shame!" scoffed Hirschberg.
"Anyway! Now, I would like to know why he seems pissed!" asked Sakowitz.
"Don't bother! He would never tell us..." scoffed Zimmerman.
"Okay, who dared drink his beer?" jokingly asked Kagan, making his comrades laugh.
However, this joke pissed off Hans, who snapped:
"You EXACTLY know what you've done!"
All the Basters stayed silent, surprised by Landa's outburst.
Wicki replied:
"Apart from screwing your plans up and killing your men, I really don't see what you are talking about..."
"Killing! What an appropriate word for your biggest crime against me, Private Wicki."
Annoyed, Donny roared:
"WHADDYA TELL US WHAT WE HAVE DONE, PRECISELY?"
"Calm down, Donny, calm down!" said Omar.
"Okay, Landa... What pisses you off right now?"
The S.S officer found his calm composure and asked:
"Do you remember Captain (Y/N) (L/N)?"
"Captain (Y/N) (L/N)... It rings a bell to me..." muttered Utivitch.
"This guy was one of the youngest captains of the Wehrmacht. A lot of people said he was a brilliant officer and a capable leader," explained Hugo.
"Sergeant Stiglitz is right. According to MI6 files, the young Captain (L/N) quickly rose to the top. He excelled both at his exams and at his missions. Even the Führer held him up as an example..." added Hicox.
"I got it! Was it not the guy we met in Italy during our mission over there, two years ago?" inquired Zimmermann.
"That's right! It was the young Kraut captain who fought us near Milan! Hell, we struggled to save our skins!" exclaimed Sakowitz.
"A brave boy, I admit. Crazy, but brave." nodded Raine.
"Tell me if I am wrong, Landa, but you hold a grudge against us because of this boy?" asked Wicki.
"Why? Because he was your boyfriend?" snickered Hugo.
"HE WAS MY SON!" exploded Landa.
When they heard that, all the Basterds screamed:
"WHAAAAAAT?"
"(Y/N) (L/N) was ya boy?" asked Raine.
Fuming with rage, the Jew Hunter sighed:
"Yes, he was. (Y/N) was my only child."
"But you don't share the same last name." pointed out Sakowitz.
"He took his mother's name when he entered the army to avoid any accusation of nepotism."
"Okay... So, all you have done against us until now... was only to avenge your boy?" inquired Omar.
"Your judgment is remarkable, Private Ulmer!" said ironically Landa.
"Don't be a smartass, Landa! Maybe the general staff wants you alive, but we can have fun until we arrive in the United States!" snapped Stiglitz.
"Would you dare wound a defenseless opponent, Sergeant? I know it is your modus operandi, but still..."
"If I were you, I would keep my mouth shut. Because my dear friend Donny here would like to bash your skull like a baseball!"
"Ya bet I do!"
"Calm down, boys!"
Suddenly, Landa heard a door opening behind him and a young masculine voice saying:
"My apologizes for being late, Lieutenant Raine."
"Don't worry, boy. We just chat with our guest."
Puzzled, Landa asked:
"Who is it?"
Smirking, Hicox replied:
"In your defense, Landa, you could not know our dear friend here. He prefers working in the shadows... Such a humble boy!"
"I am flattered by your compliment, Lieutenant Hicox." replied the newcomer.
Trying to see who is talking, Hans scoffed:
"And why is he here? Is he going to torture me too?"
Much to his surprise, the newcomer replied in perfect German:
"Nein, dafür bin ich nicht hier. Es wäre Zeitverschwendung!" (No,  that's not what I am here for. It would be a waste of time!)
Impressed, Landa replied with a smirk on his lips:
"Du sprichst Deutsch wie ein Einheimischer..." (You speak German like a local...)
"Das liegt daran, dass ich in Österreich geboren wurde." (That's because I was born in Austria) replied the mysterious young man as he walked to Landa.
This voice sounded familiar to Landa, but he cannot tell where he did hear it. But this accent... He was sure he heard it before!
"Wer bist du?" (Who are you?)
"Du weißt wer ich bin ... Vater." (You know who I am ... father.) replied the young man as he sat in front of Landa.
When he saw the face of the person he was speaking to, the Jew Hunter nearly had a heart attack.
"(Y/N)..."
"Himself, father." replied the young man with a smirk on his lips.
The S.S colonel could not believe it: his flesh and blood was alive! A wave of relief went through his body. But he cannot help but wonder how (Y/N) managed to survive at the hands of the Americans.
Stammering, Hans asked:
"But... But you died! The survivors of your detachment told me that you get killed by Lieutenant Raine!"
"They thought Lieutenant Raine killed me. But the truth is... I faked my death!"
"WHAT?"
Landa could not believe his ears: his son dared betray the army he swore to serve!
"But... How could you do such a crime?"
"Let me return you the question, father. How could you sleep at night while knowing that you send innocent people to their death?"
"That's not the question! You betrayed your army, you dishonored our name..."
The loud slap on his face made him shut up. When he looked at his son's face, he saw a wave of boiling anger in his eyes.
"You thought that I dishonored our name? But look at you: you paraded with this stupid uniform until you crawl in front of the Americans for saving your skin."
"Do not talk about crawling in front of the Americans, boy! You did not act better than I do!"
(Y/N) looked at his father with disdain.
"Maybe. But at least, I redeemed myself by helping the Allies. Did not ask yourself how the Basterds manage to outsmart you?"
Hand stared in amazement as he realized.
"YOU WERE THE MOLE?"
"Bingo, dad. Unfortunately, your loyal lapdog named Hellstrom knew something was wrong and was not far from discovering the truth. It was at this moment I planned to fake my death... with the help of my new friends, of course!" explained the young man while gesturing at the Basterds.
Hans fumed with rage: he hated being outsmarted. But the betrayal of his son was the last straw!
"I can't believe you even dare betray me, your father!"
The icy glare of (Y/N) sent a chill down his spine.
"You're right: you're my father, but only for blood. The fact is you never loved me. You belittled me, pushed me away... All because you wanted me to be your carbon copy. I tried to be the son you wanted me to be, but nothing was enough for the great Hans Landa."
Every word (Y/N) was full of hate and pain, and they hit Landa like a punch.
"But I must admit that you were a great teacher. I've learned a lot from you. Thanks to you, I have learned to speak different languages. With this skill, I can exchange pieces of information with various interlocutors. 
Thanks to you, I mastered the art of deception. Do you want an example? While I gave the pitch of the perfect little Nazi, I helped many Jews escaping from you."
The young man smirked like a predator.
"I have acquired so much from you that I was able to foresee all your comings and goings."
Trying to keep his composure, Hans retorted:
"And you came here just to say that?"
(Y/N) burst into laughter.
"No, dear father... I am here also to say goodbye!"
"Goodbye?"
His son nodded.
"Yes, indeed. Because this touching meeting is our last!"
"What does it mean?"
"The general staff allowed me to see you one last time before your trial... and your move to Nantucket Island. After that, you will never see me again."
(Y/N) shrugged.
"After all, you're not supposed to see me, as I am officially dead!"
He got up and said:
"Now, if you excuse me, Colonel Landa, I have some work to do before we depart for the United States. Enjoy your stay in France!"
(Y/N) went to the exit, followed by the Basterds.
Losing his temper, Hans yelled at him:
"Sure, go away! Anyhow, I have no son!"
(Y/N) turned his head and said:
"As for me, I consider myself as an orphan since my father said Heil Hitler!"
He smirked.
"Besides, (Y/N) (L/N) belonged to the past... as well as (Y/N) Landa. Now, you can call me (Y/N) Raine, like the father I found."
Smiling, Aldo gently ruffled (Y/N)'s hair.
"Come on, kiddo. Time to get home!"
As the door closed in front of him, Hans Landa let out a scream of pain and anger: this time, he lost the war for good. 
And the fatal blow came from his son, who severed their blood ties with his sharp words.
Even him, the great detective, did not see that coming... 
Thanks for the reading!
I hope you enjoy the story!
Your requests are always welcomed here!
Stay safe and see you later! 😘🥰😍
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