#also he beat the shit out of his sister's abusive husband and i don't think juan ever did that soooo...

[joseopher]

I have this au idea where Tristan completely loses it. In this au Callum does team up with Adrian Caine to kill Tristan, possibly even become heir to the Caine criminal empire because Adrian and Tristan mutually cut ties and I believe that Adrian Caine is the type of guy that would only let a man be his heir and just ignore all of Tristan's sisters so he can get this random guy to be the heir.

Anyway, Tristan can't cope with Callum betraying him again by teaming up with his abusive father and just loses it.

There would be some manipulation by The Library, it would transport him to this hall of mirrors where it shows him how much better off everyone is without him. This causes Tristan to be able to not sleep, eat, or focus. So learning Callum betrayed him again is hard but then The Library shows him how (supposedly) happy Callum is...

Callum's finding a place in the Caine family. Callum's healing. Callum's happy.

Callum gets a good father and caring sisters. He gets that.

But Tristan doesn't.

Adrian Caine is nice to Callum, no, more than nice, fatherly. But Tristan didn't get that, he got bruises and punches and cuts. But Callum does. Callum who betrayed him. Used him. Manipulated him.

It's the final nail in the coffin. Tristan just becomes completely unhinged. Instead of being angry, he gets cheery far more cheery than his grumpy self ever was before. But something's wrong around the edges, a sharpness to him, a glint of cruelty.

In this au, he drops the wards and lets Adrian's assassins, and anyone else hunting him, come into the society and slaughters them all with his vast amounts of power. But not before flirting with them because he's a fucking masochist. He also doesn't kill off all the assassins so he can "play" with them again. Though eventually, he will get bored and will kill them off so his father will send new exciting assassins.

He's on his serial killer arc <3

Of course, can't bring himself to kill Callum, so he precedes to just do the most out-of-pocket shit with him because he loves Callum but he's just got a completely fractured mind.

Callum is not thriving as Tristan thinks, he's miserable. So he shows up at the society to murder Tristan only to find Tristan acting completely different and...smiling? Tristan rarely smiles wtf is going on?

This is what would happen:

credit to artist

What proceeds is, grumpy Callum who just wants to literally murder his husband and Tristan, the adoring husband, who constantly throws violent affection at him. (also Tristan has an addiction to murdering people shhh don't tell anyone)

credit to artist

Of course, this situation makes Callum feel needed as he is not used to being loved unconditionally by someone he so clearly isn't manipulating to this level of extreme.

Callum acts very grumpy about Tristan's random bursts of murderous affection and violent actions in regard to him but secretly enjoys it. Callum pays it back in equal measure by continuing to try to murder Tristan and picking off other assassins sent to kill Tristan because murdering him is his job.

They become increasingly obsessed with each other, not used to such devotion (even if it is with malicious intent). Tristan struggles to accept any affection without suspicion unless he knows there's a selfish justification behind it and Callum thinks similarly leaving them perfect (or horrible) for each other.

They become the most toxic unhinged spouses in existence.

Adrian eventually catches on and ties up Callum and beats him because he keeps failing at killing Tristan.

Tristan, who at this point is just the most powerful being in existence, fucking levels London to find Callum. When he does so he proceeds to murder his father, murder the entire Caine crime syndicate, blow everything up and almost end the world.

Callum, for once, recognizes that Tristan needs to calm down and manages to get him to stop his murderous rampage by simply hugging him and telling him he loves him.

Tristan breaks down and they both cry in the ashes of the Caine family house.

Realizing they actually want this to work, Callum stops trying to murder Tristan and Tristan attempts to stop being violent with Callum. But they're still unhealthily obsessed with each other.

They redirect their attention to murdering civilians and become very prolific in the criminal world by simply committing crimes whenever something doesn't go their way.

For example, they go on dates to restaurants and whenever something doesn't taste quite right, they blow up the building.

~And they all lived happily ever after~

P.S. Reina is there and watches this all go down like "wtf is wrong with you two???"

I feel like you would like this @aho-dapa

#novacaine #tristan x callum #tristan caine #callum nova #the atlas six

[littlefankingdom]

My brother made me watch Avatar 2: The Way of Water, so I'm going to make it everyone's problem

Avatar 2 is a good sequel in the sense that it has the same elements as the first one: gorgeous visuals but meh plot with some controversial stuffs in. Maybe you don't remember, but Avatar is this white savior story that came out 13 years ago, and now, because someone needed to make more money (pick whoever you want), we have a sequel and a third movie in the making. For now, we have these 3 hours of the artistic department, which I hope was well treated, busting their ass off to hide the flaws of a movie that could have been 2 hours.

Watch out, spoilers.

This is a movie about fatherhood, but more so about a bad father as Jake Sully was saying the same shit my abusive parents used to, and for a moment I had to ask myself if I was in a theater or back in the house I grew up in. Maybe the original dialogues are different (because I saw the French version), I don't believe so, but this man has four children and yet, doesn't know how to be a parent. No, man that sounds like Thor but it's because you are voiced by the same VA (Adrien Antoine) and not because you are Chris Hemsworth, you don't threaten to beat your children to make them stop joining a battle or not fighting their sister's bully. And the way he talked to his second son is just so awful, even if he brings trouble, that's not a good way to take care of the issue. The whole family dynamic is just wrong because they keep calling him "Chief" ("chef" in French), and he kept using this authority on his children and on his wife, so nobody can discuss his decisions. And it's even more annoying because women are portrayed as more "savage"/emotional and the men are more calm and prone to reason in this movie. Sexism in my 2022 movie? It's more likely than you think. The message being "a father has to protect the family", which is just not correct because, look at your wife my guys, she is also doing the same job. And she isn't saying to your children to befriend their bullies. Another guy is a father, I guess, Miles Quaritch. Him and Spider has a bond for no reason, just because he's a blue clone of his father. But Spider was raised by the Navi and hated his father at the beginning, and yet save the clone at the end because he... cares about him??? Why??? He has no reason to! The guy didn't raise him and have been terrorizing people for the short time he was with him. He threatened to kill so many innocent people in front of Spider, the boy has no reason to care for him at all! Unless it's stockholm syndrome.

Favorite character: Payakan rules, and everyone treats him like shit for wanting to revenge his mother. Y'all are literally doing the same shit for your siblings and children. Everyone else is being so dumb at least once.

This is a movie about racism, I guess. Neytiri refusing to treat Spider like one of them because he's human. Your husband also is, and your children are mixed, wtf? She was even going to kill him just because of who his father is, when they raised him, not the military! The boy must be so traumatized, having his friends' mother threatened to kill him for being related to a human. And the Navi also have racism because, why not? Mocking others for being different, calling them monsters, letting them to die in a dangerous area, and only accept them if they take the blame for you! No bullies are going to be your friends if you take the blame for them trying to kill you, don't be like Lo'ak, that was so dumb.

And finally, this is a movie about war and colonization. The military's goal is to kill Jack Sully because he is the chief of the resistance, so the colonization can continue. When Jack decides to leave with his family to protect them because he knows the military are after him, which is dumb because if they are looking for you, it would be better to put your children in someone else care so they aren't hurt if you are attacked, the military stops caring about the resistance and the colonization because they must kill Jack Sully, for some reason. If he's gone and not the chief of the resistance anymore, do he still matter in the conflict? No! There isn't any logic for the plot to happen! He isn't impacting the colons vs resistance anymore, why are they still focusing on him??? They can kill and destroy everything in the forest while he isn't there, he doesn't care anymore because he has children!

Least favorite character: Jake Sully. You are so bad at everything, white man, so bad. I cut contact with my parents for a reason, stay back.

Expiration date: 2009

~

This is only my opinion, pls to not try to start a debate

#avatar the way of water #avatar spoilers #avatar critical

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

Chris was definately her boyfriend by Jan 21, don't kid yourself. Your buddy Lauren made it clear by showing how her 2 sisters and best friend all suddenly followed him out of the blue on the exact same afternoon, on the same long weekend she announced her divorce (cough cough they met him in person and/or the coast was clear to talk about them). "My WIFE" is possessive, and him pointing at her photo is not 'supporting' her with words. it's always about him.

Funny thing is, that you can't even admit like a mature person, that all your shit was debunked and it took you a few days to finally come out with an answer. the answer that just makes you look more like a pathetic loser, but thanks for entertainment.

Even if he was -and? Like? What this comment has to do with anything? She filled for a divorce and found another boyfriend and you want me to judge her? Because it seems you have a problem with Melissa getting out of a abusive marriage and finding happiness with someone else? How sick in the head you are to think anyone could judge her? I mean, i remember perfectly how SCS were calling her a cheater and slut, so i guess you are one of them too - YIKES.

Anyway, what you say is that I should, dunno, feel sorry for Jenner, because Melissa kicked his ass and found someone to love while she was still married? while their marriage was ALWAYS a fake bullshit that Jenner used to abuse and tie her to him? Are you seriously this fucking dumb to moan about marriage and implying like a typical slutshamer about Mel cheating?

Let me be clear: I don't fucking CARE if she cheated on a fucking ABUSER WHO BEAT HER FOR YEARS. But you know what? Melissa didn't cheat in any form and so far, that's is a FACT. YOU want her to be the cheater and present some bullshit gathered online, like you all stalkers do.

Also, it’s fucking hialrious how you all moan about Mel cheating with Katie and wishing her divorce while suddenly protecting it and bitching about, when it involved Melissa and jenner - like....

Oh, Mel's sisters followed Chris? What just proves they approved him immediatelly, becasue they saw what anamazing person he is and how much he loves their sister. OR simply Melissa told them everything and they supported her and her decisions, like sisters do.

And before you start moaning like a bitcha bout "Chris cheating on Hannah, boo hooo hoo :((((" - your precious Blake and his equally awesome mommy conntacted her when Mel filed for the divorce, because they wanted to trash MW. And guess what, they got nothing, so go and cry more.

Mhm, calling a wife wife is possessive. Calling husbands, wives, fiancess, children, parents, friends etc is possessive. So, when you called Lauren my "buddy" is I guess you spreading possessivness, huh? also, she is not my "buddy", she is just a true Melissa's fan I follow, go and read her thread about debunking your pal Jenner's bullshit.

Also, Mel called Chris her husband, fiancé and boyfriend, so i guess she is possessive too? How you are goin g to call her? Codependant? You really hate her, huh?

Sure, sure, posting a photo of your girlfirend is not supporting her. Also, he is not poiting at anything, maybe look at it or something. You can't even look at a pic and not make an idiot of yourself. Jesus.

But sure, support is only when you talk or uses words about something, thank God I post a lot of pics that proves you are an idiot that can't read. Boy.

Also, he says nothing, he is not supporting her. When he says something, it's always about him. Make up your fucking mind.

#anons #smelties #tantrumcorpses

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Love her... She wears a casa around town in Cuba to remind others to stay home and go out when only necessary, make as few trips as possible and combine all your needs into one trip out.

It says "I'm at home .... "

It also says to me... "Im as safe outside as I am inside my home" it remains not to be in terror of the pandemic. Be comfortable about what the COVID and dangers of racism is out and about. Shit is gonna hit the fan. Be comfortable with it. Its gonna happen and there's no stopping it.

Idk who she is or that she expects her messages to go that far but for me they do.

Cops nervous to go to work. Be as comfortable out as you are in. No one is in those police cars they burn. Take out your personal belongings, be prepared to leave your car if necessary to be burnt.

If you are police all you have to do is Surrender.

You. We.

Its about equality.

The message is: you expect us to surrender to you. So surrender to Me. Give me your name and number. Tell me that you will cooperate and care about me.

Tell me you won't plant drugs on me. Tell me i killed someone of another race that i didn't simply because of the color i am

Treat me fair and with equality to truth and justice.

That is all a police needs to do. Surrender the truth. You ask. You demand. You punish until you find the truth. Make sure it is truth.

Surrender. Feel as we feel. Feel as hundreds of thousands of millions black men near a nervous white woman. But give us just the truth and we will obey your demands 0f "step back" and "move back"

Outside. In the public street. It is our home. Civilians and professionals. Treat us as you would in your home. Because we are all in our home we all share when we are in public.

Love.

That is what this blessed Cuban Woman says to me.

The police merely need to surrender.

The Atlanta PD. I ordered the CIA to inflict terror upon you. Go outside and your police car is in flames. Feet from your unwet down house. I asked them, i told them i demanded. Go fuck them up. They want to tell the public they don't care? Tell them NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM.

3 have been set on fire. And 17 have been stolen. They decided as a team. On their own. To protect the town's assets in Zone 5. And to steal the police cars. You're not using them you're not qualified. You're unwilling. So they stole them instead. They arent afraid. They will fuck you up and kick your fucking asses. But they respect the Mayor. They're not afraid of her. They aren't afraid of anyone. They know in 15 minutes I'll have them on their way to a private island that is protected by the fiercest military in the world And they will lay around in paradise and no one will ever touch them for legal abuse. But they do respect her.

So they will repair the damage done by hotwiring the police cars and make a key via a locksmith skill for the patrol cars. And they will wait for her to fill them with a qualified officer. Because they respect her. They love Her.

I didn't not love nor respect her But my anger was very very high. And i thought fuck them, I'll buy her whatever police fleets she wants. Cause i want them to suffer.

But they're all "Sabrina, we get you baby but we know something else that's just a bit better for you and we're gonna do that. Its gonna fuck them all up real good and send the message you're saying. But we're gonna be a little bit more chill."

That's love. That's family. They confiscated evidence of these police officers possible wrong doing. A federal judge could and would sign off on the "theft" of those police cars. But we escalated and bypassed.

According to Tree. There's only 5 willing to go back to work. But they're also arrogant fools that tree doesn't even like. But he said leave them be. Let them work.

Leave them be. Bees sting once then die

Leave them alone is another story.

I get it. It was a justified homocide. I feel the same. They talked for over 40 minutes then the cop said i think you're still wasted. Take a breathalyzer. He was still too drunk.

At the same time he was just saying he would just walk. His sister lived down the road. He lied about being lost so he could say mistaken identity. Because he was there to check out for his kidnapping.

Because he knew, the cop, he was a kidnapper -- he felt it unsafe to let him free in the streets.

Watch the video, the entire 40 plus minutes. You will see exactly why I do not allow my CIA to engage in verbal communication.

This is exactly why I tell them "just kill at the first moment you can"

I protect my men and women of "Enforced Protection"

Now add to the knowledge of who he is and look at his necklace. It's designed to look like an undercover police badge in a leather case "to protect it from scratches"

You're on the street. He's drunk and angry. He kidnapps you with chloroform and ties you up, bound and gagged. He's a big man. He can do 23 (it's been proven Bec he's done it) people off the street in less than an hour. Call a van for pick up.

It was a justified homocide.

So you're a cop. And you know this. And You refuse to go to work. You know who and what he was and why he wasn't allowed to be free in the streets.

Then you refuse to continue protecting innocent citizens.

That makes me mad. You're no better than Rayshard Brooks. You're fucking letting it happen. Id fucking punch you dead in the face. All 25 of you.

Why don't you just start going out and kidnapping yourself?!? Huh?!?! You ain't doing shit But letting it happen!!!!

Prove it is justified if you're so fucking angry you wanna quit. Fucking prove it was justified and help them two arrested by doing it yourself.

Prove the justice by killing those human traffickers you know are. Kill them all in your uniform.

Instead you decide to be a civilian and serve war from your couch. Except youre not. You're nothing but a COWARD.

Just sitting on the couch. You're too scared to stand up to the District Attorney or make a meeting with the Mayor. You cower and you hide and you become what you're supposed to protect zone 5 from.

Because you refuse to protect. Every single domestic violence act. Every fire. Every lost child. Every single crime. You put that shit in your heart not that you couldn't get there in time. Not that you couldn't protect them because lies. BUT THAT YOU YOURSELF DID IT. You put that in your heart the moment you called in sick.

You yourself did it. Because people will start doing more bull shit. Because they know THERE IS NO COPS IN ZONE 5. THE PURGE IS ON.

Every single mother fuckera calling in coward crybaby committed those crimes.

It wasn't encouragement. You're guilty because it occurred. Its all on you. Its all your fault.

Next girl slapped by her husband. Or raped by her brother. That's the fault of Zone 5. They did it. May as well pulled out their own dick and got the pleasure. Too.

Its not a gimmick. Its the truth.

When APD of Albuquerque, New Mexico walked out with wooden batons. They too did every bearing by a police officer in a riot. That is who i saw. That is who i know.

I was beat as a little girl. 5 years old. And 7. For going and asking for help. "Sir could you help me..." I never got to finish because i was beat down.

Left bloody in the streets. Even raped and no one did anything. The cops did both..

So yeah FUCK YOU SURRENDER TO OUR DEMANDS OR YOU WILL SUFFER.

Im suing the City of Albuquerque in 6 different law suits. Including trauma i received when viewing a video of the APD in their riot gear with batons.

Not even protecting the statue!!!! But attacking innocent people in the streets while CRIMES AGIANST PUBLIC PROPERTY WITH VIOLENT STRENGTH was being committed feet away.

Personal trauma and suffering.

I still suffering.

I won't sue APD of Atlanta. Because I took away their police cars which will be returned to the city's mayor. She seems to have common sense and decency.

We already have plans for those two fired. To help them. Don't think I'm stupid because I get relaxed.

But the rest of that shit? You work for 911? 911 been calling. Over and over.

CIA does NOT ANSWER 911. That's not their job. We don't work for you. You dont call in sick and get paid to be a little bitch and order us around to do your job while you're being paid doing nothing and my CIA don't get money from the police. That's what APD expected.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HUMAN TRAFFICKING IS.

Mi Casa. Su Casa. Treat it as it is.

#Instagram

[stickywitchphilosopher]

EVERY BODY STAY BACK I'M GOING TO VENT!

TW: ugh... Just be careful

I'm sure my parents know I smoke weed...

Mom already saw me and I always stink, I'm not worried too much about it, what can they do as punishment? I'm a broke ass 22y/o public college student with no social life, or many ways of entertainment, I live with my parents in a bunk bed with my 25y/o sister, It's quarantine and we just moved to a smaller apartment, Dad brought his 11 cats so it's a nightmare of crap, furr, vomiting, and Mom goes nuts.

I'm sure she told my Dad I smoke and he is too ashamed to talk about it with me, I hope he hits me as hard as when you found out my sister was caught shoplifting at Wal.mart, I'm trying to remain calm between panic atacks and ripping my hair off, super extreme mood swings, the fact that I'm almost out of Venlafaxine...

Oh dear stars! I'm gonna be so fucked when they decide it's time for me to shut up and listen to the shit they say about me, I'm trying to be careless about it, but Damm words hit hard.

I'm a whore because I had a boyfriend I want that word on a t-shirt to piss you off...

Yes I'm worse because at least whores charge money

Yes I was 13 when I first had sex, probably it's not all my fault?

Yes I was just trying to get out of you...

Yes I remember that time I left the GPS on and I was at a bar at 3 am with some girls from my class, I wanted to make you think I was popular (I have never been there again, tho) it was on my first semester IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS

Can't we speak like adults? with no insulting? No?

Oh, yea! it's because you're superior to me! So you and my teachers and boss can disrespect me, and I just have to take it.

You know what? FINE, disrespect me! I don't care

tell me what to do and I'll do it,

I won't use too much space

I'll be gentle and kind

I'll kill myself studying

I won't sleep when you're not sleeping

I won't ask for favors

I won't eat too much food

BUT I NEED WEED

Just because you bottle up your feelings doesn't mean I have to be the toilet you shit on! You keep looking for every single mistake I make...

But you never hug me, not tell me that you love me, because you don't

You can't love me because I'm just like you AND YOU HATE YOURSELF THE MOST and I "loved" you, or the idea I had about you, because you got rid of me since I was 8months old and I was TOO CLINGY... I cried a lot, your solution was punishment

Then we moved when I was 4

I was raised by the TV, like many dad worked all day and got home twice a week at 11pm the other days we wouldn't even come back, mom started going to therapy (I think she also wanted to get away from us I don't blame her

I wouldn't want to be with me either

Was everything going to be better? Will she stop hitting us every

Welp I'm just gonna tell you my anxiety atacks happen at 6 o'clock in the afternoon when we were left alone.

I know my mom tried to kill herself when she was younger and she was sexually abused by her older brother as a child

I know my grandmother was a fucking monster, and broke all her children souls

I know my mom was forced to mary an abusive husband at 16yo...

I know both my grandfathers hitted my grandmothers, I know every one of my sexually abused cousins,

I know my father's dad killed his brother in law, I know he was an alcoholic, I know they rather spend Christmas at my youngest aunt house rather than ours, even though we pay their rent...

But I'm a weak ass cry baby for going to a psychiatrist and taking meds...I know I don't deserve shit, but

And my undiagnosed-asperger sister? She can do whatever she wants? They hate her at job, her boyfriend just uses her, she has a seriously bad Eating disorder,

And if she keeps hitting my cat I'm gonna hit her, because that's how you taught me to solve problems with my older sister,

When she bullied me, hit me, killed my pets, hated me to death and broke my spirit every single day starting at 6o'clock in the afternoon... until I grew big enough to beat the shit out of her.

[akajustmerry]

The Lying Detective: A Summary

toby jones as disposable villain who isn't moriarty #5: I am SUPER EVIL

sherlock: i'm high and suicidal and apparently that's humorous! come fellow suicidal friend, let's tell my brother to fuck off

*later*

therapist: how's the baby?

john: I HAVE A BABY?? oh wait yeah :(

mary apparition: honestly bro u trippin ballz

*later*

sherlock, also trippin ballz: to quote hamlet, fucking nope?????

mrs hudson: *is suddenly james bond, shoves sherlock in the boot, drops him into john's lap* you forgot this

john: i don't care

sherlock: *drinking from a flower vase* apparently my abusive suicidal drug use is still v humorous at this point!! lmao i'm gonna die in 2 weeks

*later*

toby jones as disposable villain who isn't moriarty #5: *holds up a bowl of cornflakes* i'm a CEREAL killer! get it?? do you tho???? imagine if my bff the queen murdered people anyway i'm really evil in case u forgot

kids in hospital: and spider-man couldn't come visit us because????

*later*

faith: hi :)

sherlock: shit i did the bad decsioning oh well i'll do it more btw i'm STILL suicidal and overdosing

john: ...

john: you waNNA FKN GO M8???

sherlock, bleeding, still suicidal and now bashed by his best friend: this is all my fault and totally portraying a healthy friendship between two people that isn't abusive

toby jones as disposable villain who isn't moriarty #5: btw guys i am still over here being EVIL

*later*

mrs hudson: I'M TIRED OF THESE MUTHAFUKIN PEEPS IN MY MUTHAFUKIN HOUSE

mary: sherlock my guy my pal, if you could lean into your fatal manic abuse of drugs and depression so you can be pals with my husband that'd be tight of u go get wrecked lov u

sherlock: i wanna die

toby jones as disposable villain who isn't moriarty #5: murdering people IS SO FUN!! I AM CLEARLY SO SO EVIL RN!

john: fuk u m8

sherlock: omg thanks for coming to save me at the last minute even tho i have been suicidal and overdosing from literally the start of this episode.

john: ur a dick

mary ghost: lol he should wear the hat

*later*

sherlock: *apparently still has irene's orgasm as his text alert even tho he apparently never texts her back and it would expose her as still being alive*

john: aw thats cute! happy birthday btw speaking of texting i too was texting a hoe

sherlock: aw damn :( sucks bro :(

john: yeah ikr??? mary's dead but i still wish i'd done more than text my side-hoe i am literally saying that ur relationship with irene adler is the same as this

sherlock: *literally does and says nothing*

mary apparition: lmao i'm dead!

john: basically, life is short so u should text her back anyway i'm gonna cry now

sherlock: aw :( life sucks :( let's hug it out while a montage revealing that your bus-hoe and therapist was my secret sister who has literally never existed before now and that my brother gets laid apparently these 2 things are relevant to the montage

john: *sobbing* btw i don't think u killed mary

sherlock: that's okay! u only beat the living shit out of me for it so badly i had to be hospitalized before!! this is literally gaslighting but whatevs its okay we're hugging i guess

toby jones as disposable villain who isn't moriarty #5: lolololololol i am still EVILLLL

mary apparition: wear the hat

sherlock: kay :p

sherlock: btw bestiie it's totally okay that u bashed me and cheated on ur wife like.... me texting the only person i romantically love and u being a cheating asshat are basically the same we r all human and i have been psychologically abused and traumatized to the point where i think that's totally fine :)

john: cool! anywho!! i just remembered i have a kid and i've left it with friends even tho one of the main points of this ep was that i have no one so ig2g

*later*

euros/sherrington/whateverthefuck: bye now time for u to have the death i am another classic case of moffatiss villainizing women, showing their mysogyny and incapability of creating female characters independent of male ones :)

#johnlock #mary watson #adlock #the lying detective #sherlock #merrys rambles #proper thoughts #sherlock spoilers #i fkn hated that ep i want to be sick it was so insensitive and shit #/

[duluthboa]

JustMy first day here, a week after....

This is my first day on Tumblr. My wife use to be on here. She use to be a lot of things. Now she's just dead. I think her user name was WhatLovelyBones. She liked to write to create art. I'm writing this just to get the hurt out, no higher more esoteric reason. I'm being greedy. I WANT to come to terms with how I feel about her death. My late wife, Sandi, was a both beautiful and horrible person. And,to anyone who bothers to read my drivel, please know that despite everything, I loved her to the end. I still love her now.

Sandi drank. She drank a lot. By the end, she was drinking more than a liter of vodka daily. Ironically, her mom had somehow FINALLY gotten thru to her and convinced her to go into an in- patient treatment. Her body couldn't handle the shock of not having alcohol. She was a beautiful woman in so many ways, but she was battling so many demons. Alcohol was just the demon that dealt the death blow.

Much of the following is my attempt to express what she told me happened. I cannot attest to things that I didn't see, but I can try to express what she told me happened.

She had demons...

Sandi had demons. Her father had abandoned her family when she was 3. For reasons that she never understood, her grandmother raised her from that point. Her mom raised the other kids, but Sandi went to her grandmother. She often told me that during this time in her life the only people that she felt love from was her grandmother and her oldest sister... And Sandi was absolutely devastated when her grandmother died. Suddenly, at age 13, she had to move into a home with a family that she didn't know well, with three new half siblings and a step dad.

Two nights after she moved "home" her stepfather revealed what a monster he really was. As I said, Sandi was battling demons.

So many demons...

She told her mom how her stepdad had attempted to rape her. She told me that her mom's response was to accuse Sandi of lying. As time went on, the abuse at her stepfather's hands became harder for her mother to deny. Once her mother acknowledged that abuse was happening, she told Sandi to "suck it up" because the family, now 5 children and 2 adults, needed him. He was their sole provider of income. Sandi often told me that she felt like her mom sacrificed her, the daughter that she hadn't raised.

She had so many demons, so many demons...

Powerful demons...

Feeling like an outcast in her own family, feeling abandoned by her grandmother's death, feeling unloved, Sandi began to rebel. She had always been a little hellion, but no moreso than any other little red haired, highly intelligent, highly inquisitive and energetic kid. But now, when she didn't feel safe anywhere... Parents are supposed to protect their children...But at age 14, she began her battle with alcohol and pills. Alcohol was the demon that eventually killed her. So many demons...

Her own little demon...

With the rebellion of her teenage years, it should be no shock that she became a single mother at 17. It also should be no surprise that her mom kicked her out because of it. Her first son is a wonderful young man, not a demon by any stretch. He grew up trying to help his mom deal with her demons as he learned to deal with his own. He has grown to become a good man, kind and caring, now in his early 20's. I wish that I knew him better.

It occurs to me that this is becoming a long storubtelling Sandi's life story... That wasn't my intention, but I don't know how to express how I feel, what I feel, without explaining how she was and how she got there. She had a good heart, but she had so much damage, so many demons. And it got worse. In addition to all the issues already in this story, she was raped twice, had an unsuccessful marriage, and THEN things got bad. She met her second husband. Her second husband.... is a piece of shit. I'm sorry for the language, but he is. He is very unstable and violent. He beat her. Violently. Viscously. Aggressively. "Never get caught in the bathroom. To many hard corners and other hard things in the bathroom." I don't know how many times I heard her say that. Like many abused people, she didn't know how to escape her abuser. And he was her husband. Additionally, she was fiercely loyal. Her husband might beat her daily, but he was her husband at the time, and her loyalty to him was absolute. When he decided to start cheating on her regularly, he also decided that he didn't need her any more. One day when she went to visit her mom, he changed the locks and told her not to come home. Even this person who beat her to a pulp, treated her so badly, suddenly didn't want her. She was rejected yet again. How does a person deal with all of this? In her case, she drank. And shortly after all of this is where I come in...

Between him and me...

She had two beautiful children with the abuser. I became a stepdad to these children,, and they are amazing. But when the abuser kicked her out with nothing but the clothes on her back, I she tried to begin again. She ran into a guy who was as broken as she was. They fed off of each others' damage. I don't know his story. But while with him, she drank even more, took even more pills, and semi regularly did Street drugs like 'shrooms. She bonded closely with him, and they did horribly disfunctional things together. For approximately 3 years she barely left his side. And for a time they were horribly disfunctionall together and disfunctionally happy together. Until one day, he snapped at her youngest son, his own disfunction showing. Sandi had many faults, but love for her children was never in question. When this boyfriend, that she never called a "boyfriend", snapped at her youngest son, it was over. Her son had interrupted her "boyfriend's" video game. He reacted by yelling at the kid and raising his hand like he was going to slap. She reacted by kicking him out. About 2 months later, I am on the scene, in mad love with a woman that I had met, briefly, 20 years before.

So what am I dealing with?

So at this point, what all is Sandi dealing with? Separation issues from feeling abandoned when her grandmother died. Not feeling loved by a mother who she felt ignored sexual abuse by her stepfather. (For the record, her mom DID love her, but Sandi had difficulty accepting good things into her life.) The trauma of being molested by her stepfather. Being a single mother with nearly no support. Being an outcast in her own family, in her own skin. PTSD from her abusive ex-husband. Numerous physical damages from the ex-husband's hands. Not to mention all the years of heavy drinking and pills. As a result of all of the above, and undoubtedly adding to all the above, multiple suicide attempts. (She described playing with the tendons in her wrist once. She said it was odd how pulling on the veins and tendons didn't hurt, just the cut itself hurt.) And after living through all of that and struggling, sometimes failing, to keep her life together, her body began to turn against her.

Cracks in the temple walls...

If you have read this far, you have seen a story of a woman who has every reason to be bitter at the world. What really sucks... it gets even worse. About a year before her second husband kicked her out, she was diagnosed with a cancerous thyroid. When they treated her for this, she began to gain weight. Prior to the cancer, she was 5'8" and 130-150 pounds no matter what she ate or did. Suddenly, she couldn't stop gaining weight. (Undoubtedly, this contributed to her second husband's cheating and kicking her out. By all accounts, he IS that kind of guy (I barely know him, and intended to keep it that way.)) Now, gaining weight, already with a boatload of anxiety, her medical issues decided to pile on. She developed hypertension, high blood pressure, and her anxiety became so extreme that she required medications daily. Without those meds, I would find her hiding in the corner in the fetal position. Sometimes, even with the meds, the demons in her head would still get to her that bad.

This is where I come in...

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Sandi and I met briefly when she and I were in our early 20s. Unfortunately, a job took me far away, and we didn't reconnect until we were in our early 40s. To me, it didn't matter that she had gained weight, that time had changed her, as it changes all of us. Shee was beautiful. Long flowing red hair, sparkling eyes that always looked for fun, and a smile that you knew was genuine. Despite the years, the changes, the damage, the Sandi that I saw always that 20 something. When you truly love someone, you fix an image of them in your mind, and no matter what happened, she was always beautiful to me. About a week before we reconnected, she had been fired from her job (long story there, maybe another time). As a result, she and I decided to live together, and she moved in with me. She had a lot of trouble adapting to a new life. Suddenly she was in a new house and in a city that she knew-but-didn't-know. She was use to either being on her own (her two youngest children were being raised by their grandparents) or being in a situation so chaotic that it would make most people scream, but she had learned to thrive on chaos. When we got together, I saw the damage, I felt the demonic presence. I waned to help her heal the damage. I wanted to exorcise the demons. Unfortunately, her life had other plans. Shortly after we began to live together, she developed Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA is where your immune system starts attacking your joints. A minor case of RA makes a person stiff and sore. A severe case results in regularly having to visit the ER. We were in our local ER often enough that we knew many of the doctors and nurses by name, and they knew her too. To treat RA, they use meds to suppress the immune system, and that means that you get sick easier. They also use painkillers, mostly opiates. Strong, addiction causing opiates... Add another demon to the list...

Ok, so like I said, this is where I come in...

Sandi and I got back together shortly after I separated from my first wife.

At first it was magical. Despite the years, I still saw the 20 something that I had fallen in love with. That was what I saw in her everyday until her death. I always saw her as the vibrant, strong woman that I fell in love with 20+ years ago.

Unfortunately, time had changed both of us in ways that I never fully understood.

When she and I are reconnected, it was both magical and star crossed. Star crossed... slated for tragedy... What can one do?

So, like I said, this is where I come in...

The years had changed both of us, but my heart still saw the Sandi of 20 years ago. I always saw the Sandi that I fell in love with, no matter how old we were.

Full disclosure: If Sandi was still alive, she would be CERTAIN that I hated her. I never hated her. I couldn't deal with her level of crazy anymore, but I never hated her. I still love her.

When she and I reconnected, she was very clear. She expected to be dead within a year, and that was 4 years ago. I suppose that I should be glad to have had as much time with her as I did, but that is no solace.

When we got together, she already had high blood pressure, social anxiety, depression, and I am sure more things that I cannot think of right now. We got together, fell back in love, and shortly after, began trying to figure out how to build a new family together. Nature had other plans.

Approximately 2 months after we got together, she was very suddenly in very severe pain. With little or no warning, suddenly, all her joints were hurting. Rheumatoid arthritis is horrible. Your immune system starts attacking your joints. Every movement hurt, every motion. And to stop the R.A., the treatment was to use immunosuppressants. Basically, weaken the immune system to keep it from attacking the body. But that means that she would get sick easier. And she did. She got staph infection on her skin. Then another. And an antibiotic. Then another. And a stronger antibiotic. Then yet another. And yet another, stronger, antibiotic.