#also sidebar painful truths are so overrated whoever invented this “pass it along" game that I've no doubt started this

[theladyspanishes]

Apologies but you were at the top of my Tumblr feed and I have been instructed to randomly tell someone online a painful truth.

Here goes.

Closing your posts to comments is an inherently hostile act.

Again; sorry. Nothing personal. We all serve the random number gods in our own fashion.

Mndrew, I recognise your profile pic, I've seen you around, I know you're a chill community member and active participant and stuff, so I want to be clear that this isn't like a dig on you or anything, it's just a response to the thesis statement: "Closing your posts to comments is an inherently hostile act". I don't know how many of you know this, but a while back, while I was still at university, I spent around a year? Maybe 2? dealing with an obsessive online stalker.

They made it very difficult to spend time anywhere online, but they especially weaponised Tumblr (I think they realised it was a less public account of mine where I could seek respite). I would wake up in the morning to find they had sent me hundreds, on one occasion close to a thousand, messages. The messages would range from threats of self harm or against me to seemingly nonsense phrases designed to just remind me that they were still there. The tumblr notification sound still spikes my anxiety.

You can't block someone like that. First of all, they would and do simply make more accounts (I just checked - I still have 30+ accounts of his blocked over here). Secondly, this kind of behaviour leaves you in a trap; If you interact with them, they know they have access. If you block them, they know that you saw their message... so they know they have access.

During this period, I had the good fortune of being able to ask Grace Helbig, of all people, whether she had any advice. She got so furious on my behalf I still tear up a little when I think about it, but *she* told me a painful truth that day: As much as you might like to, as much as most people know how to behave appropriately, you cannot leave yourself open to every line of communication your audience might want.

If you look around at my socials you'll probably start to notice a trend. You can't comment on my instagram posts unless you're a follower. You can't DM me unless I follow you on Twitter. Places where I can't control those settings, I simply do not ever open my inbox. In fact, it was really only a short time ago that I turned tumblr messages back on, after a loooong hard think. In many cases this is something that actively hurts my engagement, but it's a choice I've made to draw a line on where and when and how people can access me.

All of that said, you don't need to be an internet personality with digital stalker trauma to draw your lines. Closing your posts to comments is not inherently hostile, it can be an act of self-care, self-preservation. No one is entitled to be able to access you in every way they want to.

#still don't have a personal tag #also sidebar painful truths are so overrated whoever invented this “pass it along" game that I've no doubt started this #you're right up there with chain emails that tell people bad things will happen if they don't pass it on #not you mndrew I don't hold you responsible #also fun fact: i didn't even remember I'd turned off comments on my posts #and after finding out I had guess what? making the decision to keep it that way #Look after yourselves #I learned the hard way that there's no glory in toughing it out