#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral

[izzy-b-hands]

Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'

#text post #idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do #literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine. #there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone #and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral #was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao #whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight #plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too #prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night #i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see #i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too #I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not #this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset #i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can #this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve #or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with #im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao