#and i burst out laughing like ''bro i'm operating at a jittery 5% at all times''

[psalmsofpsychosis]

Me: anyway i'm actually very very dead inside, i haven't used more than 4% of my capacity for warmth in the last 15 years, and i dont feel like i can, i feel super lethargic and beaten all the time

Fella sitting beside me: you're literally burning the stool under your ass and shooting lava from your eyeballs but okay

#contrast is a bitch #like i'll never forget how i was out with a couple of friends and 10 minutes in one of the guys went #''god you have... so much energy... it's unbelievable'' #and i burst out laughing like ''bro i'm operating at a jittery 5% at all times'' #and this is not a joke by the way like #when i have conversations with others i can feel like how i come across as a kids' party active confetti detonator #but the thing is; i can do //so much more// #i know it i have done it before i want to do it again #but the idea that people already see my 5% as ~so much~ #i'm not sure how i feel about it. there's a sense of grief to it almost #because i know that even a solid 15% would be healing to me but it'd be borderline unbearable to them and would drive them away #and i dont feel my energy as in a vital sustaining life force. More like it's a vintage red car with a heart for an engine #and it burns fuel very inefficiently but the ride of lively and it almost gets you to home #i have met so so many people apologising for having the kind of enthusiasm i do though. and that's even sadder #like yes i can feel very lonely in my warmth but i dont feel ashamed of it #and seeing others apologising for being open and excitable hurts