#desparate for god

[nana-glass-chillhop-radio-hour]

Ok sorry I’m long overdue for a follow up of these tags I left on your post lol. Here goes: In my brain, the role of a cop is a very masculine one. Like obviously there are female cops but whenever they appear in media ( at the ones I’ve seen) they always are very masculine. So with Hayward whole thing about performing the role of a standard cop I think he was also performing masculinity in a very standard way. His whole arc in season 2 has also been about learning who he is outside of that performance so he I think he can also start to experiment with gender and get silly with it. I think that’d be good for him. maybe this only makes sense to me but thank you for the space to expand upon me ideas.

This is paige and Hayward season three. my final message

I just saw this response omg loving where you head is at... gotta get this out on the record before s3e3

#he can be gnc like harry dubois never let himself be #the silt verses #investigating officer hayward #hayward's gender has GOT to be weird like his whole thing with his wife who doesn't exist is SO gender #god I need to go back and rewrite 'come hell or high water' to make Hayward's wife not have been real #I think Jon and Muna have heavily implied that Hayward's wife was supposed to exist at the end of s1 #but Jon decided to make her fake retroactively just to fuck with us #(in a 'just to fuck with us (affectionate)' kinda way #I don't believe in rewriting fic to conform to canon but the fact that THAT'S the fanon they canonized is *so* fucking good #a tasty tasty treat for us gremlins #but his wife that doesn't exist... he's like an alien in a human body doing a dane cook routine at work #whenever he talks about his wife who doesn't exist hating him I'm reminded of that John Mulaney bit #of 'my wife's a bitch and I don't like her? That's not a comedy routine! That's a support group for men in crisis!' #like Hayward. you invented this woman #she isn't real #why did you make her a bitch who doesn't like you???? #and who YOU are pathetically still in love with #Like that's the craziest thing he doesn't even portray himself as in a failing marriage #he portrays himself as being desparate to stay in a failing marriage even though he isn't in love because he's afraid of being alone??? #like hello am I speaking English here that's fucking insane in the membrane #siltposting #anyway thank you for answering my ask sorry to write this tag novel when you were just trying 2 help

[gayforcarstairsgirls]

Listen if we could survive the time when idkhow only had six songs we can survive this

#whatever the fuck this actually is #the DRAMA oh my GOD #what a day #idkhow #seriously tho the time before razzmatazz was dire #like i am always desparate for new idkhow songs ALWAYS #i don't know how but they found me #ryan seaman #dallon weekes #ronnie radke

[unma]

Guess who played Part 2 of Canto VI today. Guess who is feeling not very good because he has to wait a whole week to see what happened.

#oh my god Heathcliff #limbus company #unma rambles #I am so desparately waiting #you can't leave me on a cliffhanger like that

[welcometoteyvat]

c3 keqing...............

#pulling xianyun i guess... this is the price of my folly (accidental c1 furina within 3 pulls) #11th time losing 50/50 god bless my luck stays terrible #gacha logs #i also have c3 qiqi but she's worse bc she's broke pity on character banners that i actually wanted desparately (i'm lukewarm on na.via so #i'm vaguely fine w this. i'm so bad at playing geo lmao) #edit: not fine with the fact that i took 83 pulls to get to pity in the first place tho

[violetgauze]

OH GOD OH GOD I JUST WATCHED HANNIBAL 3X012 I KNEW CHILTON WAS GONNA HAVE HIS LIPS BITTEN OFF BUT I WAS NOT FUCKING PREPARED OH MY GOD THAT WAS HORRIFIC THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST UPSETTING THING I HAVE EVER WATCHED

#I desparately need to watch a video of Raúl Esparza being happy now after that oh my god #hannibal #nbc hannibal #hannibal spoilers #fredrick chilton

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Oh yeah I wanted to ask some buddies to look up some book stuff for me cause said book stuff is in Cleithrophobia... I forgor

#GOD I hate cleithrophobia. I hate it SO MUCH #that mental image from the summary was AWFUL #and it's weird cause all of the deaths I've read from Andrea are so cartoonishly over the top desparate to be scary it loops back around #to just getting an 'oh. okay' reaction out of me #I'm a TINY bit curious if the actual cleithrophobia story would hit as hard as my brain filling the gaps in #but I'm not anywhere NEAR curious enough to find out. #big nope from me man #absolutely not. #anyway #who do I ask for book support? hmm #welp. I'm gonna eat and maybe I'll forget again by the time I come back

[seithr]

mass effecte...

#3's ending mightve been divisive—confusing—and Painfully Underwhelming to those who played in 2013 pre Extended Cut Ending #but god if it does not feel the most powerfully desparate. but it doesnt get there without 1 and 2's incredible pillars holding it up #snowball effect of a trilogy. aaug. excuse me its time to listen to leaving earth and think of shepard cracking again #armour clanking

[ssoupcup]

the oc lore iceberg.

#red is evangeline #white is #lillith #blue are #the gods ones. selene and athena #green is our favourite 'scientist' and frankenstein kinnie. #websoup #just to clarify #orange is vallie/my sona and do you #REALLY want an explanation for the coffee cup #please ask i am desparate to talk about my oc lore #ESPECIALLY stuff ive never revealed before. #somehow vallies story is the LEAST concerning. #and evangelines is supposed to be in the format of a kind of. choose ur own adventure game. with those ending cards #i wanna make it but i simply will not #also pls the lore behind the...'plague' pit is so funny 😭😭

[zukkaoru]

okay sorry i skipped ahead and read the bsd vol12 omake bc i saw something on the wiki and i'm only like four chapters away anyway and. oh my GOD i

#fukuzawa PLEASE for the love of GOD call the cops on m*ri #now i desparately need a fic where fukuzawa just. steals elise from him. i need it SO BAD #grace reads bsd #also i was doing research for a fic i was not just casually perusing the bsd wiki. although i've probably done that before too

[one-winged-dreams]

Anyway, Krasus outright confirming that dragons (possibly red dragons especially?) feel more intensely than the mortal races and making it utterly plausible for me to go forward with my potential writing of Dia going mad with grief :'3c

#not like #'evil hysterical villain' mad but #doing something stupid out of desparation mad #because god knows blizzard only knows how to write the former #the gift of ruin

[mitsies]

i have brought u a gift

nvm all is forgiven !!

#MY BABY GIRL #OH MY GOD<<E>??????? #THE VOICE ACTINGGG i have a clip of it saved is my confession for the day #im so desparately in love with him?????? this quanitifies as mental illness #where is my medication #HSAJHVFGIWOSIHGFGEUIKDJNCBVG #thats how i feel abr him #mitz asks

[sapphictea]

got a job interview in a bit and absolutely bricking myself

#i'm sure it'll be fine #they seem nice and i think they're pretty desparate for people #but god do i hate the leadup to these sorts of things #like i need a job but is it really worth all this #to have less free time and more stress #for 20p more than minimum wage #which is less than what it's changing to in april anyway #:( #also thought i'd lost my degree certificate for a bit there which was exciting

[noxtivagus]

lucilius & belial

#🌙.rambles #[ gbf. ] #will i ever shut up about how much i love gbf? no #wmtsb oh my god just brainrotting abt it rn #morning light hymnus #belial he's like. this character that has a lot on love? #like most of the time he's v perverted n all yeah but #if my memory serves me right he's technically in love w lucilius right #think about how. how it must be for someone like belial #bcs lucilius is so #has he ever shown any reciprocation for it? #morning light hymnus has a desparate tone for me #& then thinking of those two n their #the parallel w lucifer/sandalphon #i wna say more but oh my god cramps bye

[altruistic-meme]

my cat is high out of his mind bc i've got icy hot on my arms and he's acting like a fucking idiot

#he is so desparate to lick my arms but its Not Good For Him #i put in a goodie despite the fact that it makes me uncomfortably Temperatire bc of said icy hot #so that at least he cabt get ti the actual medicine and will just lick the fabric #but dear fuckin GODS is he trying his damndest to get a good lick in #shh ac

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday) #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say) #and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard) #its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point. #guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over] #[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG] #so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it. #could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that. #i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition' #really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else . #it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat .. #.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before. #...... #i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me. #it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way. #anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row. #лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really) #(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently) #so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

[lvmity]

some people i know thought i was strange for saying i wanna chew bath sponges and flipflops and i want to especially eat the sponges and bite the soap. when i was little i sometimes used to chew on my bath sponges because it feels so good i swear. so like. what does Tumblr think about chewing sponges

#AMAZING FOR CHEWING. I SWEAR O MY GOD SPONGES>>>> ANYTHING #fabis stuff #i know people around here are desparate to chew human flesh but lets start small #/lh Joke