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coll2mitts · 3 years

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Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Thanks to the awesome people who donated to Extra Life (you still can, btw!) y'all will now be treated to a retrospective on the 1993 classic movie, Super Mario Bros. When I took on this milestone, the first (and only) person I messaged for ideas on terrible (but wonderful) films based on video games was my friend Max, who has a history of viewing and talking about bad movies. He suggested this, and while I was aware of this magnificent piece of cinema history, I had not had the pleasure of viewing it myself. He hooked me up with a copy, and to say this film lived up to my expectations would be an understatement.

I couldn’t help but be charmed by this movie. It is filled with so many questionable creative choices that were fucking ridiculous. Mario and Luigi not being blood related? Sure. Cheesy Italian accents replaced with a New York ones? Yeah, why not? Having all the enemies in Super Mario Bros. be canonically dinosaurs? I mean... It's a choice informed by the great media dino wave of 1993, but whatever. Yoshi is a dinosaur, if we want to extend that to goombas and Koopa for whatever reason, I'm down. Having these dinosaurs live underneath New York City in a parallel dimension? It's based on a video game, why the fuck not? Everything is so goddamn bonkers.

The opening credits roll, and we’re told that 65 million years ago, a meteor created said underground parallel universe dinosaur land. We witness a human-looking woman, who is really a dinosaur, leaving an egg baby on a church doorstep. Don’t think about it too hard, the logistics of a human giving birth to an egg that size are just... it’s gross to think about.

We’re then introduced to the titular characters, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Yes, their last names are Mario. Making them the Mario brothers. Because this movie is interested in answering the important questions. Mario is the owner of a failing plumbing business, while Luigi is a conspiracy theorist who would have really enjoyed modern-day YouTube.

While they’re out trying to find work, they run into Miss Amy March herself, Daisy, who is an archeologist in charge of digging up dinosaur bones from a New York City construction site. She’s being forced off the property by the mob, who apparently are annoyed that a blonde lady in cargo shorts is coming between them and whatever the fuck they’re building.

They try and intimidate her, she storms off to use a payphone to call for security, and is almost picked up by two inconspicuous bozos in a cab who apparently are stealing Brooklyn women off the street for no reason. Their plan is quickly thwarted by a random moving pane of glass.

Instead, Daisy runs right into Luigi, who forgets how to human once he sees her pretty face. He asks her on a date, where she reveals even more exposition. She believes the meteor that destroyed the dinosaurs landed in New York City. Oh, and also, she’s the abandoned egg baby. Luigi is also an orphan, and this shared trauma apparently gets them both hot and bothered. They wander off to the dig site, because an underground pit attached to a sewer is so romantic, and it is also where Daisy feels the most comfortable.

What if we made out at the bone pit?

Their touching moment is cut short when the mob sabotages the plumbing in the sewer and water starts flooding the area. They run to get Mario, because he is a plumber, to fix the pipes, which is so fucking clutch, I love it so much.

While the Mario brothers are distracted, Daisy is captured by the weirdo twins and dragged into the alternate dinosaur universe. Mario and Luigi follow, and we’re treated to the most fucking amazing transition scene of Bob Hoskins spinning wildly through colorful rocks.

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Turns out, parallel dinosaur world, or Dinohattan, is fucking lit as hell. I am convinced that Futurama based their sewer city on this movie.

King Koopa, who is a dinosaur with badly bleached hair gelled back in an effort to look like Michael Douglas in Wall Street, has taken over Dinohattan. He is the one who asked the goons to kidnap Daisy, because of the tacky crystal necklace she wears. Apparently, it is a piece of the meteorite that crashed into earth, and once he puts the piece back into the original space rock, the dinosaur world will merge with the mammal world after 65 million years of his people being sequestered underground, and Koopa will have endless resources at his disposal. Also, Daisy is a princess, and her dad is a giant fungus taking over the city, so that’s totally normal and not at all weird.

Problem is, the two idiots he sent to grab her didn’t think to check if she was wearing the necklace. Turns out, Luigi has the necklace, or had the necklace, as they are quickly mugged by a granny, who is then robbed by a lady with a bright red spiky latex coat and springy robot feet. The brothers are then arrested by the dinocops and are grilled by Koopa for the whereabouts of the rock. When they play dumb he uh... reacts in a proportionate way.

I am not even going to attempt to explain the devo process... It is a combination of insane and fucking disgusting. Whoever in the costuming department looked at the cute fucking mushroom Goombas in the video game and decided to translate them into this scaly, jagged-teethed nightmare fuel deserves to be committed.

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Also, there’s only one lizard king, and that’s Jim Morrison, so back off, buddy.

What is hilarious to me is this is the story the screenwriters came up with. Super Mario, as a video game, doesn’t have much lore, right? You slide down pipes, you jump on mushrooms, and you save the princess from a spiky turtle. They took that game and created... This. A parallel underground dinosaur universe that has a sentient fungus as a king, taken over by a human-like t-rex that devolves other lizards into tiny-headed night paralysis demons.

The middle of this movie alternates between a slog of expositional scenes about Daisy being a princess, and pretty entertaining action scenes of the Mario brothers running from Goombas while trying to find and save Daisy. Mario and Luigi steal a cop car and drive it off a cliff Thelma and Louise-style; They cosplay as Ketchup and Mustard to steal the necklace back from Big Burtha while asking her to stomp on them; They jump off a bridge into a garbage truck; They break the pipes in Koopa’s building to freeze everything, and get past an elevator full of Goombas by making them dance.

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Watching Daisy damsel-in-distress-it in Koopa’s high rise office building and fend off advances by a long-tongued dude who devolved her father into a mushroom was pretty boring and disturbing. Alternatively, witnessing Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo pretend to jump on giant sheets of fungus really sold this movie for me. It succeeds when it tries to be ridiculous and fun, and fall flat when it attempts to integrate any sort of drama that I’m assuming was added to make this story more appealing to adults.

Mario and Luigi eventually find Daisy, and she introduces them to her father - a giant dripping blob suspended from the ceiling. Luigi wants in her pants badly enough that he pretends this is a reasonable thing to do. Mario heads further into the building to free the other ladies kidnapped by tweedle dee and tweedle dum that they initially thought were Daisy, but weren’t. The newly assembled group are able to escape by sliding down the frozen pipes on a mattress before they are green-screen launched out of the pipe and back into the greater Dinohattan area.

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The amount of times Mario and Luigi use their plumbing skills to overcome obstacles may be my favorite part of this movie. The plot goes out of its way to justify a really bizarre character trait for the original game.

Anyway, the end of this movie comes at you fast. First, the sentient fungus king gives Mario and Luigi a bomb, and they decide to wind it up and aim it at Koopa. This takes about 10 minutes of screen time to matter again.

Koopa’s second-in-command tries to merge Daisy’s stolen necklace with the meteor, and instead gets skeletoned to bits, prompting the best line delivery reaction from Daisy, a deadpan “Yikes”.

Because the necklace has now been returned to its resting place, the worlds start to merge Infinity War style.

“Mr. Koopa, I don’t feel so good.”

Koopa and Mario end up back in Manhattan, and Koopa just starts shooting his devo guns at human mobsters, turning them back into primates, and giving their wardrobe a whole new literal definition of monkey suit.

Luigi uses his super plumbing powers to drill the necklace back out of the meteor, separating the worlds again. The bomb finally goes off, they devo Koopa into slime, and the citizens celebrate by immediately painting over his ever-prevalent propaganda.

The king evolves back into a mushroom person or something, and Daisy stays in Dinohattan to get to know her father better. Mario and Luigi return to their lives in Brooklyn as plumbers, and their heroic acts make them conspiracy community famous, as they now refer to our heroes as the Super Mario Brothers. Roll Credits.

Except not, because Daisy returns to ask for the help of a couple of great plumbers, setting up a sequel that will never, ever happen because there is no god and we’re not allowed to feel joy.

Honestly, Super Mario Bros. is great. It owned every bold plot and visual choice it made, and I have to respect it. I could listen to John Leguizamo say Mario like 700 more times. Y’all are missing out if you think you’re too cool to watch this movie.

I’ll be back to musical reviews later this month. I have a few seasonally appropriate movies in my big red sack waiting to be placed under the tree... Yes, I meant to phrase it that way.

#unwarranted opinion

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bertha-mason-discord-tag · 3 years

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mockingjay fanction

Hello and welcome to my blog. The election coverage is playing on the TV. This is my fanfiction about Finnick surviving the events of Mockingjay. It’s been so long since I read the books that this takes place in the movie universe. Everyone is wildly out of character, I describe Katniss’s epilogue ending as “unrealistic” which is unfair. It’s probably not that funny but I made myself laugh.

Katniss is ace, Peeta is pan.

This is pure crack.

TW: Katniss discusses not wanting to have a baby, but not wanting to tell Peeta about this (everything is resolved happily).

Two months after Katniss moved back home, the water line to her house broke for the third time in one week. This was frustrating, not just because it interrupted whatever traumatized rebel heroes do when they live out their unrealistic YA epilogue lives — planting a garden, playing with weapons, gradually chiseling away at their personality in order to enter into a heteronormative marriage with children, that sort of thing — but because she was in the shower. So she had to towel the suds off her body, grumpily shove herself into a big T shirt and a pair of cargo shorts, and sulk out to the well, hair still dripping.

Peeta was already out there, hands covered in a sticky mixture of flour and eggs. He was crouched down, fiddling with pipes and valves. Katniss hated pipes and valves. The only thing Katniss liked was the forest: the smell of the pines, the crunch of the leaves, the quiet whip of an arrow flying. And Peeta, most of the time.

“Hey Katniss,” Peeta said as she crouched down next to him, “the water broke again. This is the third time this week!”

Katniss made a quiet, affirmative grunt.

“Anyway, I think there must be something down in there… I’m trying to get the cover off. Can you push from the other side?”

Katniss moved into position and pushed against the rusted metal plate which covered the access point to the water and sewage systems. It took a minute of uncomfortable labor to find the right angle, but eventually the pair were able to slide it off.

Katniss peered into the hole and went white, stepping back in shock.

“Are you ok?” Peeta asked. “You looked like you’ve seen a ghost.” He leaned over into the hole, and made a gasping sound before choking out “Finnick?”

They heard a moan from inside the hole. That prompted them both into action — Katniss running off to find a line of rope. When she returned, Peeta was already back, shining a flashlight down into the hole.

Katniss looked down at Finnick. His hair was dirty, and his clothes were torn, but he was very much alive.

Peeta looked at Katniss. “It’s definitely Finnick, and he’s definitely alive. But how…” “Doesn’t matter right now. Let’s just haul him out.”

This process took some time. First, Peeta lowered Katniss into the well, where she was able to tie a loop of rope around Finnick’s chest, underneath his arms. This made easy by the fact that he was inexplicably shirtless. (Katniss wondered how his exposed muscles were that defined, considering he should have been dead for months.) Then, Katniss climbed back up the rope, and helped Peeta drag Finnick’s unconscious but still breathing body out.

When they got him out and laid him out on the ground, Finnick let out another weak moan, and his eyes fluttered open, in a way Peeta found undeniably attractive and Katniss did not notice.

“Peeta… Katniss…” he murmured. “I need… I need…” he coughed.

“What? What do you need?” Peeta asked.

“I need food… but nothing too heavy… maybe bread? Or cake, or muffins, or some other kind of baked good?”

Peeta’s eye went round like saucers, filled with such pure joy that they basically sparkled, and he ran off towards his house, where he had converted a room into a giant personal bakery.

Once Peeta rounded the corner, Finnick sat up, brushed himself off, and pushed his fingers through his hair, which fell in immaculately tangled waves of blonde across his face. Katniss wondered why he wasn’t worried about getting more dirt in his hair.

“That was just a decoy. I’m not actually that hungry. I need to talk to you, Katniss.”

“What? Finnick, how are you even alive?”

Finnick blinked, clearly taken aback. “Katniss, you know I’m bisexual right? Queer people aren’t allowed to die tragically, it’s against the law. Neither are sex workers, so I’m doubly safe. I thought you knew that… which was why you threw that bomb down there…”

This was really awkward, so Katniss coughed. “Yeah, of course! Um, just a joke. You know me, always joking around. Anyway, what did you want to talk about?”

Finnick did not believe her, but figured it was best to move on. “Katniss, I’ve been done there in the sewers for months trying to find a way out. Somehow, I ended up in the water system below your house. I figured I’d cut off your water until you opened the well and let me out. But you didn’t bother the first few times, which was annoying. Anyway, so I’ve been sitting below the house for a week now, and let’s just say the pipes are remarkably good conductors of sound.”

Katniss’s face went red. “So, you’re saying you heard me singing in the shower, pretending I was in the last round of Panem’s Got Talent?”

Now Finnick was also red. “Um, yeah, but… that’s not the point.” He shook his head to clear it. “I also heard you crying. And I don’t know what that’s about, but I’m pretty good at figuring things out, so: Katniss, have you not told Peeta that you don’t want to have kids?”

The part of Katniss that didn’t immediately bristle at the horrifying ordeal of being known was impressed with Finnick’s stone-cold read of the situation. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Finnick sighed, and pinched his nose. “You told me that you didn’t want to have kids. This was a conversation you and I had. But, also, it’s super obvious that Peeta does. And you’re crying in the shower during your unrealistic happily ever after, so I’m just making a logical guess.”

Katniss broke under the pressure of being read for filth this completely.

“No, I haven’t. But it hasn’t even come up; it’s way to early for that in our relationship!”

“I mean, it’s pretty early, but also y’all went through several lifetimes of trauma together, and it’s clearly bothering you.”

Katniss glared at Finnick, who stared back. It was neck and neck for a while, but Katniss lost the staring contest.

“Fine! It’s bothering me a little. I know he wants kids eventually, and I know that I don’t, but also that I like kids! But I don’t want to have my own… it’s complicated. And I don’t want to freak him out, and ruin everything.”

Finnick’s eyes softened. “I get that. But, look, it’s Peeta. If the two of you managed to survive the events of those four movies, you can survive an uncomfortable conversation about family planning.”

Katniss sighed, frustrated at having received solid and helpful advice.

“Finnick! You’re awake!” Peeta was back.

Finnick nodded, and faked a cough for effect. “Yep. The thought of delicious homemade baked goods woke me right up.”

Hearing that made Peeta feel like he was about to die from joy, and he passed Finnick a giant sugar-covered muffin, and a shirt. Finnick pulled the shirt over his head, and started eating the muffin. They sat in silence for a minute, and Finnick stared at Katniss pointedly.

“Ugh! Fine. Peeta… you and I need to have a whole conversation about this, in private—” she glared at Finnick “— but… I just want to tell you that I don’t really want to have kids. So, yeah.”

Katniss, unconsciously, pulled her limbs closer to her body and turned slightly away. Peeta, who was chewing a muffin of his own, began chewing more thoughtfully. He took Katniss’s hand, which she was grateful for.

“Katniss, I love you. I’ve definitely always wanted kids, but it’s not, like, a dealbreaker or anything if you don’t. To be honest, I always suspected you might not. I’ve been meaning to have a conversation about it, but… I was just worried you know?”

“I know,” Katniss said gratefully. She looked over at Finnick, who looked way too smug, so she kicked him in the shin.

“Well, I hope you both know that Annie and I consider you both family. You’re always welcome to visit us and the baby at our idyllic seaside cottage.”

Katniss smiled. “I think we’d both love that. And we’d both be happy to babysit sometime!”

Finnick smiled. “We’ll have to take you up on that. Speaking of which, I should get home to my wife and son… can I borrow that crowbar ?”

Finnick was pointing to the crowbar Peeta had been using to pry open the cover to the water system. Katniss blinked.

“Um, ok,”

Finnick took the crowbar. “Thanks you guys! For the crowbar and the muffin too.”

Then, Finnick stood up, stripped off his shirt, and started to climb back into the sewers.

“Um, Finnick? What are you doing?”

“Going home? Obviously?”

“Weren’t you just stuck down there?”

“Yeah, but that’s why I have a crowbar now.”

“Ok, fine… but why did you take your shirt off?”

Finnick laughed. “‘Why did you take your shirt off?’ That’s funny Katniss.” He descended further into the hole. “Traveling by sewer, WITH a shirt on? Ha! Imagine that.”

The End :)

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dear-fellow-travelers · 4 years

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Gizzy’s City: Chapter One ~ The Day of the Uprising

---------------Tuesday, February 12, 2071 5:35 AM------ Morning, Rise Up, Begin tasks they set out for you.

“Get Up. Rise, It is time for you to train.” they spoke. Their masks, I hate them. I can’t see their face, and they know they don’t want me to. They hide their scents with putrid smells, Like roadkill in the dead of summer. Their voices, monotone. No emotion for me, I hate them. I HATE THIS PLACE! Today, is My day. Freedom, Will be MINE.

How strange will it bee when i Escape, my Utopia Awaits. An entire city.. For Me, And me Alone.

But for now.. Time to play along, be a good little Wolf, But these Goats, will be slaughtered soon Enough..

“Good to know you’re Following orders, Subject 23. You have to eat after Training, Tine to Earn everything to finally make it out on the field.” “Yes, Commander. I will do you well.”

I spoke in a hidden sarcasm. Even by the time i was Close. That’s when i enacted my first phase. I started to take out every guard with My powers, 18 long fucking years, AND NOW IS MY CHANCE! My first taste of freedom.. like i dreamt of. Damned if they don’t see this plan coming.

I already poisoned their Booze kegs. They will die, a slow, yet effective death. in Three, Two, One!~ I start using my abilities. weapons of their guns, i start to tear their limbs apart, strangling. every bliss of their head being hung from the screams, Glorious Music. This. Is. My. City. I Am QUEEN. I. Am. Kailee Gizzy Hartwell. And this, Is my Time to be freed. Thanks to someone that believed in me; told me it wasn’t going to be a fair fight.. but it was worth a shot.

Somehow.. it went dark, blacked out, i saw red, and.. then.. I was broken free, it happens in a whirlwind..

Everything is torn from their hands. Bones Shattered. Spines broken, “THIS IS YOUR TIME TO DIE! You have not known what have you’ve done to me, Somehow, you shouldn’t even live..One The Pandoras’ Box, Is opened, and It has Opened.. Wide. Too late to back down, YOU DISHONORABLE CUNTS!”

The knots that had long entangled her mind like overgrown vines released. Satisfaction permeated her body, and she screamed, voice reverberating against the metal city. For longest time coming, she Unravels.

The City of Kyoto will be cleansed Of these bastards! Let me Rid this place.. let the world..

Plant life..? Yeah, good thing that will overthrow the building, The Yaro-Kabuki Theater is now flooded with the Overgrowth it Deserves, the structure falls through as i stand on top of the roof, and slide my way down and run full force into the wilderness and the Unknowns of this once beautiful masterpiece.

My first breath of Air, It’s Thrilling, as i look like I killed a thousand Men and women. somehow, when i went into the docks, I secured a boat for food, the river is at least fresh from all waste from their cover-up stories for greener life.... i have everything i could ever need in my pack, but first.. I need to free myself of this

Hours passed.. I awake.. my head and body ache all over.. sleeping in a boat as it starts to wane into sunlight.. my skin burns.. god this burns..

This is my life, MY CHANCE. And, I got this.. I have this.. but first and foremost.. I have to get cleaned up..

But where is.. ‘Here’

‘Am.. i dead..?’

“My.. My fucking god.. i haven’t ached like this in.. how long..?? It fucking burns! AND WHAT EVEN IS THAT THING!” I screamed as i shielded my eyes. I suddenly sit up.

Even an entire day, spent exploring, feasting on my plants i have grown, cooking, trees growing from sky scrapers, an old overwatch base, i know that logo.. “Heros..? bah.. I don’t think they’d like me intruding.. then Again..~” i burst the sky light out and climb down the tree limbs, I stare at the systems, “this is.. Solar powered! sweet! I.. Think i found a way to learn about tthem their weaknesses are going to be great, I don’t wanna be somebody’s little pet to toy with and beat. I just want freedom, a life without rules!.. be free with everything.. and everyone..? will bow to me! AHAHAHHAAHH- ha..ha.. i’m fucking crazy, AND I LOVE THAt! OR- it’s my stockholme syndrome talking hhhhhaaaAAAAAHHHHH-HHEEEE-AAHHHHH!! Hell with that!”

after a hours, countless seconds into minutes.. I end up finding a new set of clothes in a drawer.. “it’s cool, dog tag, not mine but who gives a flying fuck. time to change!~”

it soon turns into a sweet outfit, my feet bound in a way as to were i can summon my powers, and also gain traction!! awesome.

Evening falls.. i sit in the middle of ashore, clean.. I think..?

I feel Free, and this is why It matters.

..but hours turned into days- Weeks even! the ringing in my ears as guns and bombs went off.. but that was all a distant memory.

too bad.. I.. can’t remember what happened..

----------------Present Day----------------

“Oi! Why in the bloody FUCK are we ‘ere? I know we gotta do our jobs, Bu’t..Why this! it’s.. Differ’nt-- Wasteland..??! Who in their Roig’t mind would..- ROADIE! THERE WUZ SUMONE THAT RAN PAST US!” Junkrat yelled. Their mission was to find an old experiment that had gotten loose from Talon’s Grasp, armed with genetic enhancements, and could kill on sight if seen. Little is known about Them. And if you see them, Sedate them.

Hog shined a light, it’s just a Giant Golem.., it’s just spooked by their presence. “O-oh.. uh.. ahhah...- jus.. what is tha’t thing?!” hog then grumbled, knowing he is annoying him, but.. he knows he is just unsure of all of this.. Wildlife, they normally get sent to remote and ruined places.. But this..? was Remote, Yes, but.. it was once a thriving city.

wait.. you can.. see the stars..? the air is.. cleaner..- but.. HOW?!

The “culprit” seems.. Young, for starters from what they saw in pictures, zoomed in, from the salvaged footage from the base before they had to evacuate, Jesse says he let her before, saying she was just looking for freedom, and she was Volatile at first until she was freed, it was.. it was a freedom she Craved, like honey, something so sweet yet it was too dangerous to grasp the concept of, He.. knows she was.. damaged but other than that, that’s all he knows.

he seems to be understanding they don’t want to be caged, The fact is.. they seem to be like Jamie, robbed of a childhood, nobody to turn to, no love.. this, will be interesting..

With a grunt of approval, and a soft resting of his hand he says. “They are..Interesting, you know.. They’re Passive Aggressive..It’s an old Maori legend.. This place was a thriving city, but.. I don’t think they mean any ha-” soon a vine grabbed jamie and dragged him into the old sewers. a growl of spite. “Hunters, Become The Hunted.” BOOMED the terracotta golem. she growled as she was leading him below grown, the massive mazes of the pipes and tunnels.

“waoit!- A SHEILA?!” she growled as she stands over him, back grazing the tunnle, she growled as she stands over him by a good eight inches, but that’s only by shadow of her silhouette, she’s in her armor. he then sees the shadow come Closer, and then.. she throws him down as she stabbed on his gut. pinning him down. “don’t make me kill you, you’re already invading my kingdom!” she growled, “’OG! H-heelkkkkkkkk” soon he comes down with a hook grabbing her from her from behind and she growled, screaming, she never felt like this at all. somehow.. she gets a sudden surprise as she gets taken from her terracotta-like armor. when he had punted her into a side tunnel, causing her outer layer to crumble. she is Wedged. But manages to unfurl her second layer and first.. she has a bloody nose for starters.. she gets held in a tight embrace.

“Thank Mate! wait.. pFFT!! AHAHAHHA! IT’S A MIDGET! now ow cute~ yera tiny ankle boiter!” “James i don’ thi-” he gets picked up by a vine and hung upside down and being disarmed of his peg leg and his arm and his bomb gun as well. “CALL ME TINY ONE MORE FUCKING TIME YA ROADKILL! I’LL RIP YER COCK OFF AND FEED IT TO YA!” “AAAHHHGG! ‘OG! ‘OH! ‘ELP!” “You started fighting with a Hartwell, you best be prepared for a Fight. She’s also damaged, look, we have to earn her trust besides, I knew her mother. She was a close friend of my family, Almost.. like a sister.. then she went missing.. so, cut her some slack, Jameison.” she froze.. her hair sloppy and wet from the sweat that she had aquired from being inside her armor.

“liar... my mom abandoned me, and left me with a life of pain. you never know me, yER JUST A COUPLE OF STRANGERS! WHY SH-SHOU-ULD I TRUST YOU?!”

Mako knows, this will be a long rest of the year..

#I will Grow as you Let me; Where the Wild Breath take me.. I will Follow my Heart.[Kailee Hartwell]#i had fun with this! i hope you like it! :D #SO MUCH EDITING! GAH!

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