#i can't bring myself to distract myself w games for comfort. i can't bring myself to talk w others at all bcs i don't want to bother them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zuzsenpai · 2 months

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This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

#personal post for ts;#personal post #zuzu note;#mental illness tw #depression tw

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fumikomiyasaki · 5 months

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❤️ for anyone- >:3

I adore you

"What I love about Onyx... oh my I could probably talk hours about this but let me give you the shortened version. I adore this mystery aura keeping me wanting to figure out more about her, those pretty piercing eyes who give me a shiver each time they strike me, the beauty of those thighs being hugged by stockings and nice dresses... that she is honest with her dismay towards me, that even covered in blood she looks more stunning than anything... her dedication to her writing and crafts.... that blush when a compliment of mine hits her... even the pain she gaves me is far more comforting than the pain I already been through... she truely is a precious gem among them all to me... one I want to keep close and claim as mine each day I can... even if it has to be with some marks she might want to hide. I am just teasing.~ Or maybe not."

"About Keisuke? I do love the time we spend together a lot. Playing games, making theories, cuddling while watching something, going to cafes for some tea and snacks... He is also just adorable when I get him flustered I can't help but to feel so happy about it and just want to hug him more. This messy hair of his is sweet to ruffle as well or to share a book in the library and place a kiss on his cheek. Even if it can be tiring with both our bothers but.. I take that risk... he kinda always understands what is on my mind and knows what to do when I need it... and I was impressed that even when I get annoyed by Barry or Yasuno he managed to stand up to them... If he reads his poems to me his voice calms me cause its so soothing to me... what I wanna say is I think there is just a lot why I hold him dear and cherish him.... but I often hope I don't bother him too much with things... I want to leave him his space but the urge to just be close and affectionate and slightly teasing to him is too high... I just can't help it. <3 "

"I would say... even if I call him my Angel I really think I can't say anything without being judged or look at wrong here so... how do I say this... He is beautifull.... attractive... but also quite a mess to deal with... I regret telling him a lot of my preferences.... as well as some of my... odder sites... first I had a blond who didn't accept what he is and now I am with a blonde who is the one exposing me... um we did talk what I love about him... Despite being an annoyance he does actually give me what I need and for the money I hand him he does make me feel good enough so I guess... I love him cause he is one of the few who is there despite my oddities."

"I am already a hot mess just thinking about the boss... this strict tone he has with me... with that firm grip of his hands... this nice body I see move during practise... this buttery voice getting angry with me.... he has talent, looks and strength, what else can I want more?... on Serious note I also admire him as a person as well... he knows how to handle the performances more than anyone But I still can't get help being distracted by his- *he was dragged away by April* "

"Dawn... she makes me feel more comfortable in this untrusting world... being close to her feels like a short nice dream I don't want to end. She is as pretty as the morning sun... Eyes to get lost in and holding her close feel feels like you embrace a cloud yourself. I want to keep anything that would hurt her away just to see that smile each day... I enjoy just having a quiet time where we lean against another or she makes her treats while I finish my work... she is also so precious sleeping in my arms... I do feel the stars brought me to her and I won't let her go no matter what."

"W-why do you bring him up? Geez... well he is handsome in a way... he is reliable... does at least have good manners and doesn't cause me a headache like some others.... b-but its not like I like him that much.... or do I?... I just don't know myself... sometimes when I talk to him I feel my heart pumping... I feel despite the flames he throws drawn to him... and its admirable to still have a family you care about cause.... I can't say the same... I guess you could say I like him because he makes me have hope more in people I meet and that some are comfortable to be around but... I hate to admit I dreamed about him at times... I will stop talking and don't you dare tell anyone about this."

*blushing* "I feel like I am under a spell each time I talk to her... like she enters my mind against my will and twists it to her ways... how come a lowley servant like me be this close to demon royalty I won't ask myself anymore cause it just happened but... I just feel her tapping my shoulder and my brain flipped a switch that makes me a fool for her I admit it. How come her kisses make me long for more.. it made me even think giving up on my current positions but... Kimon is important to me as well... I do love Cattleya to the point it drives me mad given how her voice and actions draw me in but this at this point makes me question myself with how bad it is..."

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gothamlonelyhearts · 8 months

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📝 🌦️ 🛌 🙈 for the ask game !

📝: How would your story in canon go? How would you influence the events of the original story?

GLAD YOU ASKED [opening laminated folder] jk but i have thought of this a lot. there's a couple ways that i can imagine it playing out . the starred one is the "canon" one

meeting during college; i was nice to him, or i showed him to a class once, or we talked after classes while i was waiting for my next lecture to start, and he caught feelings INTENSELY and like. VERY FAST. to the point where it scares him because generally his day is like that meme that's like "wake up. distract myself. gn" but now it's like. "wake up. think about val. gn" and he leaves me cards w/ pages of notebook paper inside writing about how much he loves me and how he wants the best for me, how his day went, etc. i knew it was him because we shared a sociology course & he has a very unique handwriting. i reciprocated. it goes from there :3 *

he's my coworker and i'm nice to him once and he falls nauseatingly in love with me. i know he's the one leaving love letters and little gifts on my desk and i don't confront him about it but i definitely reciprocate his feelings and take the opportunity to tease him about it when i can. we end up getting together because i eventually do bring it up to him and tell him i feel the same. again this would probably alter the canon plot post-ktmj. i don't think i could stop him from going full panic mode after finding out his boss is Evil and Fucked Up but having someone to talk to about it who is on his side would probably keep him somewhat in check.

i find this freak hanging out in my living room after escaping from arkham and i'm really not that bothered by it because something is absolutely wrong with me /lh

🌦️: Would you be accompanied by mostly fluff or angst fanfics? Both? Explain why.

it depends: both i and edward are like. miserable little creatures just in different ways LOL. i feel like my personality lends itself better to fluff fics since i'm mad affectionate w/ a partner and his reactions to that would be cute to write. i feel like angst fics would be easier to write due to neither of us believing we're "good enough" for the relationship we want. another good angst plotline would be the whole "i cannot do anything about the fact that this dude is losing everything and absolutely losing faith in the world rapidly but i will try my best". or me leaving him because i have bouts of edgelording where i think leaving people is doing them a favor (<- mostly held in check by napping when i get the impulse but still)

🛌: What tropes show up in fics involving your ship?

bite of affection (i do this)

obsessive love letter (he does this)

one true love (double-sided)

violently protective girlfriend (me)

not-actually-unrequited love (double-sided)

undying loyalty (double-sided)

hurt/comfort or hurt no comfort lol

🙈: Why would your ship be thought of as cute/fluffy? Why would your ship be considered problematic?

could be seen as cute because of how we contrast :3 also i mentioned this a bit before as well but i am super affectionate when i'm in love w/ someone and ed is the type to be rendered like, a complete puddle when ur being nice to him even a little so experiencing someone he's insanely in love with being very mushy with him will absolutely do some cocomelon shit to this guy he'd just be sitting there like this.

2. could be considered problematic because we're both freakishly into each other like my core plotline for him n me is like, he caught intense and extreme feelings for me after i was nice to him once and started leaving me pages-long notes about how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and i got attached right back which is a little intense for some LOL. i can't really think of anything else except the general "omg you're in love with a batman villain why? he's evil he blew some dude up" discourse you get

#meow!#THANK YOU FOR ASKING I'M LOOKING AT YOU WITH THE TBH CREATURE EYES RN #long #long post

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rattyoakenbitch · 3 years

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❝𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲❞ ─ 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐩𝐬𝐞 𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝

but when he loves me i feel like i'm floating

when he calls me pretty i feel like somebody

❥ content ; little gn reader, sfw agere, corpse is a cg, mostly fluff with a smidge of angst

❥ warnings ; daddy issues, childhood trauma, hints of emotional & verbal abuse and of course age regression if ur uncomfy w that stuff. also pet names and the use of the word "daddy" but not in a sexual/smutty context!!! agere is not a kink!!!

❥ synopsis ; you age regress to cope and corpse takes care of you through it all

❥ a/n ; i got a request to write this agere fic a couple months ago on my wattpad! i myself used to be a part of the agere community but it has been years so i forgot a lot of what i learned. however, unlike age play and cgl, agere is just a coping mechanism and totally nonsexual!! pls do ur research before u attack members of the agere community (: ur coping mechanisms are valid!!!

With a frustrated groan, you push yourself away from your desk, now spinning slowly on your little office type chair.

You had procrastinated and hadn't done any of your work, and even when you did try to finish it, you were easily distracted or discouraged by intrustive thoughts.

Your mind would never fail to drift back to memories of when you were younger. However, those memories weren't exactly fond or anything you'd even want to remember.

Yet they were there, either popping up unexpectedly or lingering in the back of your unconcious mind.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when you felt two strong arms wrap around you, causing you to nearly jump out of your seat.

Corpse hummed. "Are you done with your work yet, darling?"

"Can't finish it.. My brain doesn't wanna co-operate with me today, or ever," you whine, feeling angry tears begin to form behind your waterline.

Corpse sensed the anxiety and frustration in your voice and immediately knew the cause.

"You're not a failure, Y/N. Your father was wrong, and you know it."

"Yeah, but hearing his words in my head don't exactly help when I'm trying to work."

"I know, baby, I know," Still not letting you free from his embrace, Corpse held your significantly smaller hands in his. "But he's not here. It's just me, doll. You're safe."

He knew what he was doing. And he knew that you knew.

You pulled away from his hold, now standing up to face him. He as well stood up to his full height, looking down at you with soft, comforting eyes.

"A-Are you sure I can..?" You ask timidly, looking down at the floor to avoid his gaze. He nods encouragingly.

"Of course, doll. I'll take care of you."

He brings his hand to caress your face and tilts it upwards so your eyes met.

Your eyes dart across the room, looking anywhere but into Corpse's own eyes.

"Tsk, eyes on me, baby."

You hesitantly bring your eyes back to meet his, prompting Corpse to praise you. You feel the blood rush to your cheeks at this.

"You promise?? I don't wanna be a distraction, I-"

Wordlessly, Corpse brushes his thumb on your bottom lip, causing you to quiet down immediately.

"What are you saying? I always have time for you. Now c'mon."

You giggle as Corpse lifts you up into his arms bridal style and takes you to the living room.

You end up watching a Studio Ghibli movie together, tucked underneath blankets and with you snuggled up into Corpse's chest.

At some point during the movie, you unwrap one of Corpse's arms around you and take his hand. This causes Corpse to unconciously hold your hand in his big, calloused ones, adorned with metal rings.

You both look down to where he held you.

"Awe, now would you look at that. Your hand looks so cute, the way it fits in mine," he coos, causing you to sink further into your blankets, hiding your blush.

"Mm stop," you pout, only making Corpse chuckle some more.

"You're hiding because you're blushing?"

"Yes!! Now stop laughing, you big meanie."

Corpse only responds by lifting you back onto his lap, resting his chin on your head.

"Aww, you really are blushing like a rose," Corpse fawns. "Aren't you just a pretty little thing?"

You decide not to sass back and instead accept the praise.

As you both refocused your attention on the screen, Corpse lets go of your hand and instead runs his fingers through your hair. You hum in satisfaction, leaning into his touch. Corpse continues to do this all while he whispers sweet nothings and praises in your ear until you drift off into a blissful sleep.

After what feels like an hour later, but was really just thirty minutes, Corpse's phone chimes, his screen lighting up to reveal a text notification.

As softly as he can, Corpse reaches over to the side table to grab his phone. Despite his efforts, you wake up from the movement and the sudden lack of warmth that was once wrapped around your body.

You huff in annoyance.

"I thought you said you weren't busyyy."

"I know, little one. Sean wants me to join a game with the others. If you want, you can watch us play. We won't be streaming."

You nod in agreement, and once again, Corpse carries you into the studio, setting you down on his lap soon as he sits down.

You hear a little beep, followed by a variety of voices, all talking above one another. It comes to a stop, though, and you're relieved of the overstimulation as soon as they realize Corpse had joined the call.

"Hey, Corpse is here!"

"What's up, Corpse?"

"Hey guys," Corpse greets them. "I hope you don't mind that Y/N's with me right now. They're little again and I promised I'd spend time with them."

You heard some 'aww's' in the back as voices overlapped again.

"Oh, no, yeah of course we're okay with that."

"That's really sweet!"

"All right, guys, no cursing or excessive yelling! If you scare Y/N, you're gonna have me to answer to!"

Though they couldn't see you, you still shyly huddled closer into Corpse's chest. Corpse's friends, being your friends as well, knew that you were an age regressor and were fully supportive and accepting. So this wasn't the only occassion where they'd played with little you around to watch.

"Thank you," you mumbled sleepily into the mic before yawning and laying back down into Corpse.

He gives you a kiss on the top of your head before he goes back to chatting and playing with his friends. An hour passes, and then it's night. The cold nighttime air seeps in through the windows, causing goosebumps to form on your exposed skin.

Silently, you tug at Corpse's hoodie, prompting him to look down at you. Though you've been quiet throughout the past hour, Corpse hadn't forgotten about you.

He raises a brow, confused for a second until you grab at his hoodie again with pleading eyes.

"'M cold, daddy."

"Shh, okay, baby, I got you."

Corpse pulls his sweater over his head, and on instinct, you raise your arms up as well. Corpse takes his hoodie and puts it on you, causing you to giggle in delight.

"There you go. Is that better?"

You beam, "Mhm!"

As Corpse shared this moment with you, he was still blissfully unaware that his mic was still on. That was, until he heard the choruses of "awe's" in his headphones.

#corpse husband x reader #corpse husband fanfic #corpse x gn reader #gn reader #agere little #sfw #corpse x little reader #corpse husband x y/n #corpse husband x you #rattyoakenbitch #mcyt #youtubers #corpse husband fluff #tw: daddy issues #tw: childhood trauma

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neonnoir-ao3 · 3 years

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Some Words of Comfort.

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of people (especially those who have read spoilers/are actively searching for leaked content) lament about their future reactions to the deaths of our beloved characters in-game.

We all knew this was inevitable, and that them living was not an option for the plot of the game, but the time has finally come to face it head-on.

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I understand that someone outside this community might be like “it’s just a game”, but I know it’s way more than that to many: the concept of a female villain that, to many, can be seen as sympathizable and even endearing, is a bit of a new concept— especially on such a large scale as this instance.

In addition, Lady Dimitrescu and her daughters have become a bit of a comfort item for some (with an emphasis on sapphics/wlw, from what I’ve seen personally) in the form of a large, protective, and caring hypothetical partner, or even just a maternal character one can appreciate simply because of her love for her children. Regardless, most of us are here due to some desire for comfort.

Take my own story with this community, for example:

(tws for death, covid, suicide, and general medical emergencies)

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Frankly, 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have ruined me. I lost two men who were the only two positive father figures I’ve ever had. The last of the two tested positive for covid and deteriorated within days, to the point where less than a week after testing positive, my family was making the choice to pull the plug. This all occurred days before Christmas and my birthday. On the first day of the spring semester, having not had the time to properly mourn my grandfather, my mother is in the ER for multiple days with an internal infection that doctors said likely would have turned septic if she had waited to come in any longer. This led to three surgeries throughout the next few months. (Oh, and one of my relatives quite literally dropped dead on that first day of class, too). I am also estranged from one of my parents, and they have been trying to contact my family: they have multiple untreated mental illnesses (severe NPD, bipolar, and more) and they are extremely aggressive in that state of mind and they are agitated extremely easily. That only brings more stress, along with resurfacing trauma and related emotions. Every moment of every day has been a struggle. So much so that I failed half of my classes voluntarily simply because I couldn't do them anymore.

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t expect to be here right now. I expected that the pain of simply moving forward would have finally overridden my fears of death and that I would have already ended my suffering by now.

Then, in late January, I saw something trending on Twitter. About a new female villain in an upcoming horror game. And it went from there.

As cheesy as it sounds, this fandom and its content seriously saved my life. In the darkest of days, I’ve come to this tag for comfort. The oddest way I found said comfort was through those who were attracted to Alcina aesthetically. I have extremely long-term trauma related to being bullied and being the victim of a hybrid catfishing/'Oreo Game' on early social media by peers in middle school to the point where I do not think of myself as being able to be loved, let alone being worthy of it. Finding this community not only provided a great form of escapism (and opened a door into a fantasy world where I could imagine my own person vampire milf gf), but also gained a little bit of self-esteem (as many of you know, I share a lot of visual qualities with Alcina. -yes, I'm still kinda freaked out about it-) via seeing people where features/attributes like mine were actively praised and desired rather than insulted and pushed away like they have been until now.

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(okay sorry that kinda turned into a trauma dump but I needed to emphasize the fact that this community has seriously helped me during a really dark point in my life, and I know I can't be the only one with that sort of experience)

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What I’m trying to get across here is that, like many others, this community and its content have been comforting and therapeutic, and it really is more than just a game to us. It’s entertaining and even a form of escapism in these extremely trying times. We all have some degree of PTSD from surviving a literal mass plague— and this is something we're using as a method of coping. a distraction. a coping mechanism.

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With that being said, here are some ways to hopefully assist in lessening the emotional stress:

(please note that I am not a mental health professional and these may not be healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.)

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Understand that it’s just a game.

I know, this sounds completely counterintuitive, but it’s more or less about keeping your level of immersion down. Personally, I can’t do scary shit in general: I have to listen to music on low volume while watching dark ARG vids at night or when I’m alone because I get too into it, and then my paranoia kicks in. Sometimes just pausing for a moment and grounding yourself/reminding yourself that this is a video game: a jumble of code and 3D rendering that doesn’t have to affect your views/headcanons if you don’t want it to. Did your favorite character just get slaughtered? Nope, that 3D rendering of them just got un-alived, that’s all.

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Ignorance is Bliss/We are the Captain Now

Simple: Capcom can’t even pronounce Dimitrescu right, or even acknowledge the way it’s correctly said in Romanian culture itself. How can you trust them to give you a perfect canon? That’s the thing: with that logic, you can’t. What they say is true means little (if anything, for that matter) to your headcanons and preexisting ideas of the Dimitrescus. In short: fuck ‘em.

I’m currently seeking a double major in pop culture, and one of the cool things I’ve learned so far is affirmational vs transformational fandom. Affirmational is where official canon is seen as the law of the land, and followed to a T. Transformational is seen as much more inviting for audiences, allowing them to bend canon as they wish to fit their own creations. This fandom is obviously transformational, so take that game canon, rip it up, and get back to whatever you were doing.

Capcom’s canon is not the end-all, be-all. Far from it, actually.

Want to still acknowledge canon? Godmod your way out of it.

Character A died? It’d be a shame if they emerged from the rubble they 'died in' a few hours later, very beaten but alive nonetheless... how awful would it be if they sulked away, nursed their wounds, and continued to live... (/s)

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Ignore it completely.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there w be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the in any way. Stay with the version in your head that makes you happy.

Get Creative!

If you're into creating fanart, writing fics, or even just posting a list of headcanons, take some advice from the late Carrie Fisher: "Take your broken heart, and make it into art". Make the fluff oneshot of your dreams! Draw the fanart you've been wanting to! dump lighthearted headcanons into the tags! Not only will it cheer you up, but sharing it with the community will spread the love!

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I know a lot of people are struggling with this emotionally (especially with the pandemic making entertainment like this even more important sources of escapism and coping mechanisms) and I hope that, at the very least, I was able to help comfort one person who reads this.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there will be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the flowers that bloom after major wildfires: after a period of loss, some beautiful can still come of it.

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💙

#tall vampire lady #lady alcina #lady dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu #castle dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #dimitrescu daughters #dimitrescu family #dimitrescu sisters #cassandra dimitrescu #countess dimitrescu #house dimitrescu #resident evil #re: village #resident evil village #resident evil: village

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