#i cant even motherfucking cry because there's been relatives in my house for months so the house is never empty

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

i miss back when i was active here and had actual friends who cared for me who i talked regularly to and i was doing well

#now its just studying ten hours for six days a week #eight hours on the seventh day #reserving two for my weekly breakdown #like. #no friends no social media no contact with the outside world except coaching teachers and my stuffed toy #just study eat cry repeat #realised i didnt feel triggered from firecrackers like i normally did and felt kinda good about that for a second #before i realised that its not because i overcame my triggers suddenly its because im dissociating too much to actually feel something #and am actually worse than when i was like thirteen #constantly just *feel* my heart pumping #its not concerningly fast its normal but i cant ignore it #i feel the pressure always like something heavy in my chest #my joints cant take writing more than like four pages and i write six anyways #i cant handle even losing marks at a practice unit test #everyone in my batch has studied this topic months ago and i havent even started and i have to take it without any knowledge with these ppl #god i havent had positive physical contact in four years #i cant even motherfucking cry because there's been relatives in my house for months so the house is never empty #and i cant show emotions or react to triggers infront of them #like GOD if you're gonna make me suffer atleast let me cry it out every once in a while #when will i go to college and live alone #i have fibromyalgia or arthritis or just side effects of mental illness but its SOMETHING and its fucking hurting my joints. so fucking much