#i don't do things because i'm unwell. chronically. it won't ever go away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[the-casbah-way]

i'm not doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not fucking doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just sit and rot and worry and yearn whilst other people are out there living and feeling and breathing and experiencing and still i just do nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#'you're young there's still time' you do not understand #i don't do things because i'm unwell. chronically. it won't ever go away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #that doesn't mean it can't get better i'm sure it will one day #but it will never be what i want it to be #i get so overwhelmed by all the things i'm not doing #i need to stop watching videos and films about people living the lives i want #been procrastinating my hrt shit for ages now even though all i have to do is send two emails and ask my friend for one link #i'm putting off the new tattoos and piercings i want because i always do that and then i get sad that i don't have them yet #i'm putting off my assignments for a degree that i actually enjoy and want to do well in and i do not know why #i'm just WAITING. what am i WAITING FOR. the change is INSIDE OF ME. why am i waiting #i guess i am holding onto safety and predictability because it's the only thing i have control over #i bounce between that and the image of a future me that is completely unattainable #and i tell myself there is no possible middle ground so i just give up #i can't be all the things i want to be. i will never been seen the way i want to be #but that doesn't mean i have to stay stuck like this forever wasting my life feeling miserable about everything #but i still choose to keep doing it every day anyway because i don't know how to stop #is it too much to ask to be a beautiful man who is not technically a man but is perceived as one and gets silly about it #is it too much to ask to be nice and well and attractive and successful #i don't want to be normal. i don't want to be cis. but i would like to be myself in a way that feels right #but i am not brave enough to start doing anything about it