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#i haven't checked since i was fourteen because it made me spiral so badly
spoondrifts
·
2 years
Text
wish there was somewhere i could talk freely about my body image issues without feeling like a waste of space attention seeking lazy fuck
#lol!!
#the way i've never voiced it out loud to anyone in my life before and every time i try to i freeze up and literally can't speak
#it's bc there's no fun and casual way to say that i want to disappear & never be seen again every time i look at my stomach
#whoopsie lol sometimes i wish i had the mental strength to starve myself but then i remember that eating disorders are bad and then hate
#myself for that train of thought even occurring to me in the first place
#got rly close to developing an ed over the summer and it felt good to indulge the obsessiveness i feel every day but don't act on
#i'll preach body neutrality all day long & i believe it wholeheartedly for everyone who isn't me
#LOL!!!!!
#anyway dreading my next doctor's appt bc i'll have go get weighed and that might be my breaking poing actually
#i haven't checked since i was fourteen because it made me spiral so badly
#isn't that fun! isn't that cute! i'll literally never say this aloud to anyone in my life
#when you undress in front of a mirror and the unspeakable self-loathing hits 🥴
#constantly feeling so physically repulsive that i can't believe anyone would ever be attracted to me despite rampant evidence otherwise
#someone literally told me they had a sex dream about me and i'm like haha that's hilarious but be fucking for real
#when i don't get physical affection one singular time i instantly wonder if it's because i'm so fat & ugly & monstrous that they can't
#stand the thought of touching me
#additionally hating myself for lacking the strength of will to exercise consistently on top of all that
#can't build habits! what a fun adhd quirk that totally isn't destroying my life at all
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don't mind me, I'm just venting here.