#i haven't found them very dunkable

[simptasia]

lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

#and as you can see this is 98% accurate #this is mostly just a summary of these people pfffttt #interjected with memes and orientation headcanons #i haven't made many jokes about sayid or sun or jin or michael #i haven't found them very dunkable #it's not like im avoiding them either #i just work with whatever joke sparks with me #anyways holy SHIT i make so many different kinds of jokes about charlie #you can tell the ones i favour making jokes about from this huh

[itsbenedict]

nonanalogue: Hey, yo, do you have a second?

itsbenedict:

nonanalogue- "I should probably, like... message you more with things that aren't Dunkables (tm)

so as to lower the amount of suspicion when you see a message from me"

itsbenedict: but yeah, i've got a second

itsbenedict: what's up

nonanalogue: I wanted to know if you'd ever played Ori and the Blind Forest?

itsbenedict: i haven't, no

itsbenedict: what's it about

nonanalogue: So understand I haven't played it either, but from what I understand it's about a spirit and its spirit friend that have to save the world. Metroidvania.

nonanalogue: The reason I bring it up is because I regularly binge on The Cutting Room Floor articles.

nonanalogue: Are you familiar with TCRF?

itsbenedict: not that either, i'm afraid

itsbenedict: i'm 0 for 2

itsbenedict: which i guess is good protection if this is a pun setup

nonanalogue: Lord. Okay. That website I bet you'd be a fan of. It's a giant catalog of unused content in video games.

nonanalogue: Like, seriously, check it out later, you'll really dig it.

nonanalogue: Anyway - so I was looking through articles I hadn't read yet and ended up on Ori and the Blind Forest.

nonanalogue: And they had details on this absolutely wild cut sidequest.

nonanalogue: Do you mind if I go into more detail? Because it's something else.

itsbenedict: i'm sure it is

itsbenedict: and i'm sure none of it is made up

itsbenedict: as part of a nefarious scheme

itsbenedict: continue!

nonanalogue: So we're in agreement.

nonanalogue: Anyway, so the main characters, like I said, are these two spirits. Main character is Ori, their sidekick is Sein.

nonanalogue: Ori ends up getting shrunk to the size of a coin, which becomes useful when they have to use said coin to cross the water - like a surfboard.

nonanalogue: Sein, on the other hand, strays from their normal Spirit Flame powers and uses Spirit Fruits.

nonanalogue: Very tropical theme.

nonanalogue: So with the coin and the spirit fruits, and a third partner they pick up who's an old-school Roman type guy,

nonanalogue: they have to release a bunch of mythical creatures from the spirit world, ushering in a new era of prosperity for them.

nonanalogue: Isn't that wicked?

itsbenedict: oh god

itsbenedict: this is going to be some Pearls Before Swine tier shit

nonanalogue: I dunno what you're talking about -

itsbenedict: anyway sure it sounds wicked and extremely real

nonanalogue: it's just: the cent Ori's on, Sein (durian), centurion: centaur eon.

itsbenedict: aUGH

itsbenedict: that's

itsbenedict: that's disgusting is what that is

itsbenedict: you oughta be ashamed of yourself

nonanalogue: Way ahead of you!

nonanalogue: I figured you'd say something like that, so I got a jump on the 'feeling shame' bit.

itsbenedict: i guess you didn't need to warn me, because it telegraphed itself pretty hard

itsbenedict: you coulda sent some kind of signal- maybe morse code with a flashing ray of light

itsbenedict: should've sent a ray on

nonanalogue: Beautiful.

nonanalogue: That's so bad.

nonanalogue: You oughta be tarred and feathered for that sin. Sin tar, yon.

itsbenedict: god, fuck

itsbenedict: that gets an A for effort

itsbenedict: stamped right in the middle of the assignment

itsbenedict: center A on

nonanalogue: Yes! Yes! Excellent! The spirit of this series burns like fire! Or electricity! Cinder/ion!

itsbenedict: christ that's bad

itsbenedict: i'm gonna have to mail it to my enemies

itsbenedict: but maybe have my friend do the mailing for me so it can't be traced back to me

itsbenedict: sender: Ian

nonanalogue: Ah, for that, I'm gonna re-mail something back - one of my favorite Japanese animes.

nonanalogue: Sent: Yuri On.

nonanalogue: (ice.)

itsbenedict: ffffshut the fuck off

itsbenedict: you need to go to church

itsbenedict: and fast

itsbenedict: sinned! hurry in!

nonanalogue: *Italian chef kissing fingers gesture*

nonanalogue: Say, speaking of,

nonanalogue: you know what I hate in my Italian food?

nonanalogue: Sand, urine.

itsbenedict: ugh, is that the best you can do?

itsbenedict: boring

itsbenedict: that'll make me yawn for a REAL long time

itsbenedict: a century yawn

nonanalogue: You know what made me yawn for a real long time? I got an email from this big guy with a beard at a mall about my order for a new overhang for my porch.

nonanalogue: From Santa, re: awn.

itsbenedict: countless millennia in the future, historians found the dessicated corpse of jocey nonanalogue sitting in her chair, waiting for a response that would never come

itsbenedict: years of sunlight had baked her corpse into a mummy, preserving it for all that time

itsbenedict: she sunned her eon

nonanalogue: Did you intentionally wait a while to send that one? Kudos.

itsbenedict: no, that was a product of a simple fact

itsbenedict: that i am completely fucking out of material now

itsbenedict: and if you can counter it, i'll have to cry uncle

itsbenedict: i'm setting a five minute timer, by the way

nonanalogue: Nah, that sounds pretty sane there, eh, on top of all that.

itsbenedict: well, fuck, if you can bring in the "th", that changes the game

itsbenedict: you got some theory on how THAT shit is allowed

nonanalogue: Nah, see, it's with the regional accent. Sane dere, eh, on...

nonanalogue: But if you think I might be fishing a bit too much with that,

nonanalogue: maybe I'll use something different.

nonanalogue: A seine? Dare I? On with it!

itsbenedict: god damn it

itsbenedict: all my efforts are wasted

itsbenedict: just like on Buffy

itsbenedict: when Xander, 'e un-did everyone's hard work in that one episode

nonanalogue: I applaud that. You know the waveform of applause? I like the one that also represents constellations-

nonanalogue: Sine d'Orion.

itsbenedict: god, this is going to go on forever

itsbenedict: i'm going to have to pass it to my kids

itsbenedict: i can't be too pushy about it, though- they need to have time to relax between bouts

itsbenedict: "son, tarry on"

nonanalogue: I'm not having any kids. Just gonna spend my golden years in California. Gotta get my Santa Rey on.

itsbenedict: you already used santa, you-

itsbenedict: no, i can do this

itsbenedict: the pressure's on

itsbenedict: so much pressure

itsbenedict: so much pressure it'll compress ore into japanese currency

itsbenedict: sinter a yen

nonanalogue: You know what you'd say to someone who did that, maybe to convince them to hire someone from Myanmar? Treasurer-san, try Ohn.

nonanalogue: (Also you reused eon. :P)

itsbenedict: what, when

nonanalogue: Eon was literally the first thing I came at you with! Centaur eon.

itsbenedict: fuck

itsbenedict: okay, um

nonanalogue: So I'll call it square!

itsbenedict: this is making me feel that one feeling, that fuckin made-up word that only shows up in that one tumblr post about really specific words that are probably fake

itsbenedict: making me realize that everyone has a complex inner life that they aren't spending making godawful puns

itsbenedict: sonder-y, in this case

nonanalogue: Well done! That one didn't stink at all! The Scent Area Involved here is small.

itsbenedict: you're cutting it real close with those syllables

itsbenedict: but fuck, i'm coming to my limit

itsbenedict: my breaking point

itsbenedict: you're gonna sunder i, on this day

itsbenedict: (fuck, really good extra one that reuses a thing from earlier- "elles sont d'orion" with some bullshit hunting metaphor)

itsbenedict: (but that doesn't count)

nonanalogue: Nah, man, I wouldn't do that to you. If I'm gonna wear someone down or grind them to dust, I'd rather sander Ian.

nonanalogue: (it IS good)

itsbenedict: ALREADY USED IAN, TRY AGAIN

itsbenedict: 2:10 remaining

nonanalogue: Sander Eoin.

itsbenedict: fuck

nonanalogue: Is what I meant by that typo.

itsbenedict: that's a low blow

itsbenedict: man i can't believe that nazi guy is surprised about the warrant out for his arrest

itsbenedict: "how could the law come after ME, an innocent Aryan?"

itsbenedict: (also regardless of whether you get this next one in time, i have to go do a thing and this has taken up too much time already)

nonanalogue: Yeah, he should head over to some of the islands near Russia, where he could escape. His steps: Saunter, Ayon.

itsbenedict: (so this is for all the beansFUCK

nonanalogue: 👌

itsbenedict: fucking *ayon*

itsbenedict: ugh

itsbenedict: you win this round

itsbenedict: or more accurately, no one wins this round

nonanalogue: I accept your graceful concession and apologize for taking up so much time!

itsbenedict: there is nothing graceful about this concession

itsbenedict: it is a bitter, spiteful concession

nonanalogue: I take what I can get.

#benedict and nonanalogue play basketball #basketball games #long post #FUCKIN #YOU DRAG ME OUT OF RETIREMENT #AND I LOSE ANYWAY #CRUEL CRUEL CRUELTY