#i just need etoiles to tell people that phil has been the one closest to downing him on the stick fight game

[isa-ghost]

Got any angsty Phil HCs?

Oh, always. =)

Definitely reread the EK possession ones bc those are full of angst.

Restate: He's used to having control. Even if just over himself, that's his normal. And that's part of why the Ender King's emergence scares him so badly. He feels like he has no control and doesn't know how to get control back. He doesn't know how to live without it. His autonomy is one of the things he values the most.

Restate: That's one of his deepest fears if it wasn't obvious. Like yeah he has basic bitch fears that most other people have like losing loved ones or w/e, but his personal Big Fear is the loss of his autonomy. It's part of why he's an anarchist & hates the Federation, another part of why being flightless is killing him inside, and part of why Ender King scares him. Especially after Rose's most recent message (1/17/24) said EK has no vessel. Phil's mind shot right to "He needs a vessel and that vessel is me. That's what he wants."

Restate: He knows he's losing touch with reality slowly. He tries really hard not to think about it, it makes him sick with dread because once again, it gnaws at his ability to control his situation or himself.

Restate: He does NOT like acknowledging that to a degree, he & Ender King DO have things in common. He constantly rationalizes it in his brain as "I have crow brain, I collect the things that look shiny & cool. Ender King is malicious, it's not the same."

Restate: I said it in a rant about Phil's characterization and I'll say it again: this man doesn't fucking realize he's flawed. Like he thinks he is but not in the way he actually is. He doesn't recognize his actual flaws as flaws. Or doesn't realize they're flaws. Or maybe is ignoring that they're flaws because he uses them to cope or something. Either way. What this man THINKS are his flaws & his actual flaws are entirely different things. In his mind his actual flaws are something he thinks are normal bc he's just Been That Way for so long.

Restate: This fucking idiot man has a detrimental habit of insisting on handling stuff like anxiety alone. He hates when people see him without his composure. It's not even like an embarrassing thing, it's just very uncomfortable to him. So when a panic attack hits or he finally concedes and let's himself cry, it's alone. And sometimes that makes it worse. But even that doesn't make him change his mind. "Keep it together for the kids," right? :')

Restate: He doesn't usually let when he isn't okay show, especially when it's a personal matter. He doesn't like burdening or worrying others. When he can help it, obviously. But he has Tells that the people closest to him (Fit, Tubbo, & Etoiles especially) can pick up on if they're vigilant enough. His feathers ruffle, he fidgets with his hands. If he's especially stressed, his wings might flap a little. He stumbles over words. Most annoying to him, he can't control the shaking of his voice. It's a dead giveaway.

Restate: He fucking HATES feeling on edge. He's extremely familiar with it, but that never dulls his hatred for the ick it gives him. That knot in his stomach, the flutter in his chest, the reeling in his mind, the fire in his nerves, the tremble in his limbs. That unshakeable feeling that no matter what or where he is, his back is vulnerable. This man wants to be Fight over Flight or Freeze EVERY time, so when he can't control the situation or can't anticipate what happens, he mcfreaks it. How can he prepare to survive when he doesn't know what to prep against? Or in the case of the Ender King business, how can he do anything to prepare against an all-powerful God?

Restate: Lowkey hates the quiet. It's nice to get out of chaotic environments for bit, but that doesn't mean the silence will grant him peace. He starts getting lost in his own head, or winds up understimulated. Music is a good buffer. Ideally though, he likes having the kids or one person to bounce off of (& keep him mentally grounded when he's stressed). It's why he adventures with Fit so often.

Restate: Speaking of silence, and calling back to fears, there's something so inexplicably uncomfortable to him about footsteps that aren't his, esp in quiet. See, the admins invisible Federation workers that just monitor things, he can usually tolerate those bc it's easy to guess when it's them he's accompanied by & not an unknown presence. But man, when he knows he should absolutely be alone atm but hears movement that isn't his own, his adrenaline shoots through the roof. (Little does he know, that's Hardcore Instincts kicking in. He's used to that movement being a mob out to kill him)

Restate: He'll go above & beyond for his friends for as long as it takes, but when a situation proves futile or hopeless, he gives up. And hates it. He feels guilty for it even when he knows there's nothing more he can do. He also HATES being helpless (it's part of why he's taking being grounded so hard).

Restate: Ever since that taste of flight in Purgatory, he's been aching so much more for it again. His stomach fills with dread at the thought of saving Tubbo's life costing him his wings. He'd make the decision he did again & 100x over, but flying is so core to who he is. He can't fathom being grounded for the rest of eternity.

Projecting here again: His anxiety is fucking visceral. He can't control the shaking of his body or his voice. He can barely form coherent words when it's at its worst. It might even make him physically sick. He can't sleep no matter how hard he tries that night, his mind won't shut down. And he can kiss his appetite goodbye for a few days. Thank god for the backpack autofeed upgrade, no one can pick up on him not eating.

Kinda related, he's had a panic attack so severe that he hyperventilated until he blacked out. It was shortly after the first time EK made contact with him. He nearly did it again after the time EK hijacked Rose's message

He holds in. So Much Rage. And probably grief. He buries it constantly because there are more important things he has to do, responsibilities he has to see to, people he has to take care of. Also he's an anarchist, he can't show that the enemy is having an impact on him emotionally. (But GODDAMN, when he finally explodes on them every now and then. There's a REASON the Feds & Purgatory workers perceive him as a massive threat).

He's hyperaware that right now, all it takes is the right tool or touch to his wings, and he'll be completely out of commission. It'd be SO easy to torture him in his current condition if the person could successfully subdue him.

Actually on that note, he has so many stress dreams about something horrible happening to his wings. Thankfully it was during the time the kids were missing so he wouldn't have to explain himself, but he woke himself up with his own screaming from a particularly vivid nightmare

Now he's getting stress dreams about Ender King possessing him. The only reason they're so sparse is because his mind seems more at ease at Rose's Sanctuary.

He's terrified to hurt anyone he cares about, but he's especially terrified that in the event Ender King DOES possess him, EK hurts Chayanne or Tallulah.

Okay but on a spicier note: Imagine a reverse of how fast he picked up on the code Chayanne & Tallulah. The kids clock right away that You Aren't Our Father & they don't even need to see his violently purple eyes to know for sure.

He is absolutely not (intentionally) self-destructive by any means, but he has tested the limits of How Immortal He Is before. I'll leave you to interpret what that means. But he's discovered he's immortal, not invulnerable. He can very much be seriously hurt. Why do you think he's so careful & over-prepared for everything?

If he's been demoralized too much for too long and no amount of resistance or fighting has resolved the situation, he'll shut down. He loses all hope. If The Angel of Death can't fix things, how the hell can Philza Minecraft do anything?

His connection to the Goddess of Death has been extremely spotty ever since he arrived on the island and it's killing him inside. He can feel that she's present with him, but they haven't been able to communicate. In months. He's been hoping a purple chest will crop up sometime with a book from her, just like Rose does with him.

I think if he were to lay out the entirety of the whole Ender King thing to someone & they hugged him about it, he'd actually cry in front of someone finally. He holds so much in about it, more than he already does. He feels so unsafe no matter what. He shoulders it alone assuming no one will understand, if they even believe him. Unconditional support is his biggest emotional weakness.

He does NOT take betrayal lightly. Purgatory didn't help with that, the only thing that's saved his friendships in that case was the awareness that This Is What The Enemy Wanted. Purely because of that, he didn't let anything the other teams pulled on Bolas get to him.

Btw he had stress dreams about being killed by his friends during Purgatory <3 He was genuinely afraid of Fit & Etoiles for a while, even a handful of time after they were back on Quesadilla Island.

If he's dissociating don't touch him. He's too easy to startle and chances are his response with be Fight. If you're gonna touch him to ground him, have a shield up. Or sharp enough reflexes to catch a fist or blade.

If he could remember his original universe (hardcore) beyond just Rose, EK & exploring, he'd be so unbearably homesick. Maybe it's better that the Feds probably altered his memories...

He has legitimate PTSD from The Nightmare, The Birdhouse, and from the eggs all going missing. You've seen the way he panics when he can't find them. Or the second he realizes he might be the only one seeing something. How A few times he's stopped and stared for a little too long at the abuelito sign. Ironically he probably couldn't put any of his triggers into words even if he tried, but it's easy to figure out the things that make him freeze or start spacing out

There are days where his wings hurt so badly that it spreads to his back. There's days he's bedridden with pain and standing is unbearable. He HATES those kinda days bc not only do they suck, he hates being cared for without being able to do much to return the gesture or show his gratitude.

He thinks about how long it'd take for those closest to him to notice something was off about him if EK possesses him way more often than is probably healthy. He can't help it. And he's a shred doubtful considering no one said anything about thinking he might be in serious trouble after The Birdhouse incident. Though.. he still isn't sure that was real to begin with.

#qsmp #qsmp philza #q!philza #philza #qphil headcanons