#i'm a bit of an idealist at heart but i'm v much also a realist. i may be swimming in the deepest depths of oceans but i always know where

[noxtivagus]

hmmm this uh. vent in tags doesn't pertain to anyone here though okay, it's really just a Me problem bcs i rlly appreciate you all so much but i can't help but be like this :<< (working on it though)

#🌙.vents #just thinking a bit n thought i shld write it down bcs i've always really have wondered what's rlly real n not #i'm a bit of an idealist at heart but i'm v much also a realist. i may be swimming in the deepest depths of oceans but i always know where #the shore. perhaps i am a moon and perhaps there rlly are those who love me like that but #i can't help but oft feel that ppl only like sides of me. or perhaps their images of me. idealized to their preferences n needs #to some ppl i've felt from them that i have to be like This so they'd love me. or they only care abt what they can get from me n i'm left w #receiving nothing at all. when i do receive stuff it then feels foreign. n even for those who rlly do care #it hurts bcs ^^ all that is solely my fault. for thinking this way. #i cld break out of it but maybe i don't bcs i think i don't deserve it. to inflict this pain and choose and grasp on it unto myself to #idk smth w all my burdens n regrets n mistakes. no matter what good i do; the past will never be erased. i'll live to atone but i'll never #properly let myself live; is that it? i can't accept a future or reality for myself bcs of the scars of my past n the reality that shldve #been if i wasnt so incompetent? if i was better if i was good enough if i wasnt so afraid to reach out n if i hid when i should have. if i #did all that perfectly. but i'm human n we all are n we make mistakes. i can pardon others i can understand n help them but not for me #it hurts i wish i cld do more for those that r just as deserving but don't receive it. if i'm the moon n you don't know my dark side #then they're the sun that blinds you to see. i hate this world so much #i'm stuck. when it comes to my own self n when it comes to ppl that.. idk rlly have done stuff for me i #i can't help but wonder if it's just for who they think i am n not for who i really am. maybe that cynism is due to old friendships where i #was neglected. like one friend that i feel used from. or another that broke their promises. n i've made my own mistakes too but i have thes #scars that tell me i'm not worth staying for. i'm not worth pushing or digging deeper for others to love the whole me. reciprocation is onl #one-sides; from me to others. but that's dumb too i barely do as much as i shld as i wish i cld as i want to do for others #maybe all we need to do is accept that we're all human n communicate authentically n honestly n openly. trust #but then i think of myself undeserving of it. n i shld fix that. i've been better before i rlly did have that sometime earlier this year bu #i've been falling apart once more. i shld fix this n i know i can but my helplessness regarding other aspects of my life n others burden me #not that others shld be my responsibility before my own in this stage of my life. but i need to give. more than doing things for others for #the sake of myself but More because i really just care for those in my life n i think they deserve so much more. #i wish i was better so they cld have more. fuck if i sacrifice myself i rlly wish i cld do more for others #for my parents. my twin. my friends. for the ones who have stayed despite my shortcomings. who have reached out in any way #i love them all do much n i have to be better bcs i want to love them back properly. #dilemma though bcs sometimes i do get unsure if it's even real at all. but at my heart i know most of it is. but then. hfksjfsjfs #it's not simple at all. it's v complex in fact bcs we're human n this is the real world. there's sm more i can't write. i have stuff to do😭