#i've discussed my art with my mom more recently but in the vaguest terms because i'm always ashamed of how shit it is

[readymades2002]

i wish i had a way to talk through things with another person but the only people i see in real life i live with and every time i have actually opened up about how i’m feeling it has gone incredibly badly, in part because i’ve isolated myself so far from human beings that i don’t think i’m able to feel or express things in a human way. so i’ve stopped trying to do it.

#i've discussed my art with my mom more recently but in the vaguest terms because i'm always ashamed of how shit it is #and that it is of course usually some embarrassing media thing and she tries to show interest but i can't be honest about it #when i get passionate about things...when i've done it before i look up at the other person while im talking #and i can see them slipping out of my reach and its like being untethered in space so i dont anymore #that or i actually communicate my needs or what is hurting me honestly and then have it used against me or someone else #i talk to people but it is all this like. meaningless chatter that makes me grit my teeth how much its just a courtesy #i cannot relate to human beings with jobs and lives and experiences and friends and skills and so i'm alone here #and i end up crying on here every few hours because disconnecting would be a death sentence but keeping it all inside of me #would fucking kill me and it just. im not reliable enough or warm enough or brave enough to even message people one on one #in a way that means im a meaningful part of anyone's life so its just. yelling in the post editor i go and pretend it helps #i dont want to word it but it is really really deeply terrifying to me how bad its gotten. i really can't imagine a way out of this #i don't think anyone i live with does it maliciously but it feels like i'm being handled like an irritating animal all the time #not like a person. not like an adult. #i dont know. i feel like i have interesting insights into the world and the things i like. i feel like theres so much beauty #i want to show other people to try and express my love because i can't do it in words or gestures #and i feel like it could be so beautiful if i was just understood. if i could just be #i have to stop talking about this now im sorry