#idk its just not that important to me and also socialising is confusing and difficult and often just sucks

[drashleighreid]

mel, you are worth so much more than that. even after reading their response it’s so obvious the way it was so “““well-written and Composed””” that they were just trying to come across as sincere and respectful- meanwhile throwing little jabs at you in practically every sentence. it reeks of bullshit and still doesn’t cover up the fact they they just.. up and left. anyway i’m sure you don’t want to keep dwelling on it but just know that a lot of people here love you and are here for you

thank you so much. i don’t want to start a whole thing and it’s really just made me super sad and upset because i don’t know what really triggered her to become so cold and callous all of a sudden. i’ve had strangers reach out to me, people i’m estranged from reach out to me, and someone who i thought was one of my closest friends blocked me lol and has been calling me manipulative and vindictive and actively making everything so much worse. 

i honestly only read the response once because i was in a really unstable place and i don’t want to get back there so i probably won’t read it again but it was really upsetting. a lot of the stuff she brought up were things i said to her in confidence relating to my neurodivergence and how adhd affects the way that i socialise. it was taken wildly out of context and broadcasted to her 20k followers which is what was really upsetting. im very aware of my faults and do my best to not let these things become toxic but me bringing up how important she was to me and how i tend to only have one best friend at a time was approached through the lens of me just wanting to express how adhd makes me attach to people and focus on one friend at a time. i said these things with vulnerability and full knowledge of the fact that her friendship style was very different from mine and i just wanted to express it so that there would be open communication and so that we could navigate it in a way that suited both of us. but it never really got across like that i guess and the friendship became kind of difficult and i could tell she was resenting me for bringing up these discussions and wanting to talk about it. i felt very sensitive and vulnerable in the friendship because of other things going on in my life and because our conversations felt really different and i could tell something had changed. i tried for ages to have an open discussion about it but i guess she can only tell me how she really feels when she has an audience lol. the times we did speak about it she assured me that ‘youre supposed to be able to ask for things in friendships’ so i did. i asked for more communication, i told her i felt vulnerable and sensitive and like she was pulling away, i asked why we weren’t headcanoning or talking as much as we used to, and then i could tell she was resenting me for it, vague posting about people ‘expecting too much from her’ instead of telling me directly when all i was doing was asking her to just tell me how she felt but she could never ‘articulate her thoughts’. 

and last weekend i thought we were in a good place. we’d had a discussion about 4 days prior about being more communicative and open and i thought everything was fine. then on the monday i had a really, really bad day. i was in the midst of packing to move house, had to trek across town to sign paperwork, had a director workshop and a screening to go to, was feeling sad about not having a support network here and having to do all of this stuff alone when i haven’t moved out by myself before, got a weird call telling me i owed a huge tax bill which ended up being a scam but came at the worst possible time lkjsf, just hit a super low point mentally, and then during the middle of that when i was literally sobbing in a starbucks and people were looking at me i got a string of messages from her that essentially said ‘you should go to the hospital. we should stop being friends. get some help’ and i literally couldnt think of anything worse to say to someone in a crisis. that could have waited. also literally nothing preceded that. me feeling so crummy wasn’t even about her but that just made me spiral more and made me feel so awful because she was someone i cared about and thought i could rely on for support. then when i, quite manically, asked her what was going on and explained my side she just blocked me on everything lol. so thats that on that. 

im sure she has her own perspective on the situation but to me its just been so cold and upsetting and confusing? i literally don’t know what changed that got us to this point. she doesn’t have to be here for me or talk to me or support me if she’s stressed out or busy with school, but she doesn’t have to actively make things worse. i literally wouldnt do this to my worst enemy if i knew they were in a really low, unstable mental place. im allowed to vague on my own blog. i never used her name, im not even in her same circles. i barely speak to anyone in the pp fandom. so unless she’s telling people what’s going on and they’re lurking me, then i highly doubt anyone would put 2 and 2 together. the people ive been speaking to about this are my therapist, my mother, and a RL friend lol. she was the one who said that us having no connection on social media would be best for us then she lurks me and broadcasts personal things to thousands of people? after randomly cutting off all communication when im having a really rough time? i just dont understand how me being upset about this makes me ‘vindictive’. also the basis of the whole argument - hers included - is that i loved her and enjoyed her company so much that i wished i could speak to her more... fuck me, right? 

anyway, thank you for your support. idk if this is gonna spark a whole other thing but im honestly just sad and done with it now. ive had a lot of people show me support over the past few days and it’s felt really nice to remember how loved i am and that there are people out there who actually want to talk to me and enjoy my friendship and me, entirely the way that i am. 

i hope you have a really lovely day, i love you too x 

#Anonymous