#in a 'captain ahab doomed to search for something that's impossible to capture' way

[carefulfears]

watched paper hearts again yesterday and i'm never not floored at "it's not her." / "it's somebody though." no matter how many times i see it...it's such a grounding moment in a very intense and heavy episode, and there will always be at least one line in the midst of the most haunted and erratic mulder arcs that stays so true to the core of who he is.

standing in that autopsy lab, it really might all be over. he might not be able to search anymore. he might not be able to hope anymore. he might not be able to do the only thing he's ever done every day for 24 years anymore, and he doesn't know who he is without it. what would he do? paper hearts is my favorite episode, because it's so physical. it's almost punitive, how earthly it is. in this moment, he might be standing over his baby sister's corpse, and it's bones clawed out of the dirt. there's a palpably crushing weight to it, you can practically feel him shake through the screen.

when scully comes in with the lab results and says it isn't her, he buckles for a moment when he takes in that breath. but it's only one beat before he stands and replies: "it's somebody though."

it could've all been over, in that moment, and when it's not there is no relief. the way that he turns on that line and looks away, is visibly trying to keep from crying. he's grieving. it's not her but it's somebody, another ghost in a paisley nightgown that will follow him forever.

that's the depth of paper hearts: it's a samantha-arc episode but it's not really about sam, not really. it's about addie sparks. it's about karen ann philiponte. it's about sandra altman, and elsa houbox, and patricia fulton, and kathleen morrow, and elaine shawkowski, and kelly canne, and marla greene.

in the final scene, when the conclusion is "it's not samantha," it isn't a victory. there is no reprieve. he stares at the final heart with weary tear-filled eyes, and then shuts it in his desk drawer, another failure that will always be close by.

#i'm always thinking of that incrementum chapter #that said scully's his voice of reason bouncing in his head like a marble but she is not the only voice #and then listed all of them. all of the lost girls he could not save. #all of roche's victims and carl wade's victims and ed truelove's victims and on and on and on #'emily. samantha. amber lynn.' #has stuck with me so much because THAT'S the ouroboros in mulder #he tries so hard to change it and to save everyone but ultimately he can't so the list gets longer and longer and longer #and it's not just samantha. it could've been! if he had let it go and stopped trying. it could've been just the one loss. #but he keeps walking into that room and he keeps failing and so it's lost girl after lost girl after lost girl #and ALL of them are somebody and ALL of them haunt him #txf.txt #paper hearts #kind of only fitting that he does the same thing with his child tbh #in a 'captain ahab doomed to search for something that's impossible to capture' way